beatlesxforxsale

Croup!

2011-11-07T12:53:00.000-08:00

I hate croup. I really, REALLY hate it.

Kisa came down with croup this weekend for the third or fourth time in her short life, but this was the worst case she has ever had before. I spent Friday morning at the pediatrician and Sunday morning at the ER trying to figure out what was wrong (I should have known croup when I saw it, but I guess I just hoped it would be something else). The ER doctor informed me that Kisa has smaller airways than the average toddler, which is probably why her lungs get so easily inflamed and why almost every cold she has ever caught has ended in croup. She is an unusually healthy child, so the reality is the only real illness we've ever dealt with is croup. And we've done it several times in the last year and a half.

In short, he told me to learn how to deal with it because it is the way her body responds to illness. Kids grow out of "croup" as they get older and their airways enlarge, but she will probably always be prone to respiratory illness and will get coughs more often than her peers. This is a wonderful trait she has inherited from her daddy.

Luckily, the older you get the less dangerous respiratory illnesses become (well... to a point), so hopefully there will come a time when her coughs are just coughs and not cause for alarm.

However. It is still a really scary and annoying illness. It's basically just the common cold settling in a kid's lungs, but it causes a cough and phlegm that can clog your airways and make you choke/asphyxiate. There's nothing you can do to treat it except push steroids (which help decrease inflammation and open up your airways) and ibuprofen to keep irritation down. Cough medicines don't work at all.

But probably the number one reason I hate croup is because it is so deceptive. You wake up in the morning to a basically healthy kid and think, "really? Did I just imagine them almost suffocating last night? They seem FINE right now." All day they play happily and seem barely bothered by a slight cough. You question the decision you made at 3am in the morning to call the doctor when the office opens for the day. You think you must be past the worst of it, or maybe you were just overreacting. Then 8 or 9 pm rolls around and they are gagging and sputtering and your only option is to deal with it or pack them in the car and head to the ER... and you think, what the hell? THEY WERE JUST FINE.

So that is why I hate croup. Because no matter how many times I've dealt with it, despite knowing what it is and the symptoms and remedies, it is still surprisingly terrifying and stressful. Every single time.

Sigh.

An addendum to my last post

2011-09-07T07:57:00.000-07:00

I have discovered that Kisa does not understand the word "some". Ask her if she would like some of something (some peas, some cheese, some toys) and she will look at you like you just offered to give her a shot or put her down for naptime.

If, however, you ask her if she would like peas, or more peas, or cold peas, or hot peas, (you get the idea) she will understand you perfectly and a tantrum will be avoided.

Kids are crazy.

Conversations with toddlers

2011-09-02T09:49:00.001-07:00

Kisa: (apocalyptic meltdown)
Me: Kisa, are you hungry?
Kisa: YES! (panic) Ok, YES!!!
Me: What do you want to eat?
Kisa: Fishes!
Me: You want fishes?
Kisa: No! NO! NO! NO!
Me: Do you want a strawberry bar?
Kisa: NO!
Me: Do you want some cheese?
Kisa: NO!
Me: Do you want some crackers?
Kisa: No! NOOOOO! (resume apocalyptic meltdown)
Kisa: Fishes!
Me: Do you want some fishes?
Kisa: No!
Kisa: Fishes!
Me: Do you want fishes?
Kisa: Ok, YES!

Sigh.

Interactive Play Mat for B

2011-08-31T19:53:00.001-07:00

Note: I realize it's been a thousand years since my last blog post... so I'm going to do what any normal person would do and carry on as if there has been absolutely no gap in time whatsoever. :)

I have this girlfriend, Allie, who is quite the world traveler. Her husband's work takes him on business trips frequently- and she often gets to join him (with toddler in tow). Recently her family has decided to temporarily relocate to Indiana, which means she will be making a lot of plane trips back to Portland over the next year to visit friends and family. And she will be bringing her two-year-old on these trips. (I know, she's like supermom, I can't even fathom it).

ANYWAY. Allie came up with this GREAT idea for moms like her who are often in situations when they need to keep their little ones quietly occupied. It is sort of like a "quiet book"- made of fabric and with plenty of things for kids to interact with- buttons, snaps, zipeprs, etc. Instead of being a book, it is about the size of playmat and can roll up to be stowed in a purse or diaper bag. Neat idea, huh? Perfect for plane travel or while waiting for your meal at the restaurant.

As a going away present, I decided to tackle this project for Allie to (hopefully) keep her son occupied on his many trips back to visit us. I am pretty proud of the results so I thought I would show it off and give my blog a much-needed update (whoops, I mentioned my slacking off).

So (drumroll please) here it is:

The whole project is made of felt with two exceptions, which I will mention when I get to them. Let's start with the tree. The apples attach to the tree with magnets and can be interchanged with flowers (which are hidden inside a secret pocket in the tree trunk). The tire swing is only attached to the tree at the branch, so it swings around like a real tire swing (Kisa thought this was AWESOME. I had to go back to the drawing board after she ripped the first tire swing off the tree branch. She is an excellent product tester.)
The rope ladder is made of yarn, and the bucket at the bottom of the tree is a pocket filled with six apples on strings, for little hands to stuff in and pull out to their heart's content.

What you are seeing in this (really poor quality- sorry, I am just too lazy to go back and take another pic) shot is the center of the playmat. Little items of clothing attach with velcro to a clothesline. The flowers attach to their stems with snaps, and the ball slides up and down the grass. All the people (and the cat) that you see are backed with velcro so they can move anywhere (and attach to anything) on the play mat.

I really like the little house.

The flower patch is the same (snaps), but the door "opens" with a button. The roof of the house lifts up and the inside of the house is a pocket, where you can store the family when they are not in use. My favorite find was the little windows- they are actually tiny mirrors. :)

The sky:

The clouds are made of nylon and stuffed with plastic bags to make a little rustling sound (that didn't work out as well as I had hoped- oh well. The little pearlized beads symbolize raindrops. The ribbons (which you can tie and untie) are meant to be little birds.

The sun is made out of a felt, a bright yellow button, and a bunch of ribbon with free edges. I know how little kids love to play with tags and ribbons.

And, my favorite addition (a practical one, of course)... the suction cups at top, allowing you to secure the mat to a table/tray table to prevent that whole flinging thing that toddlers are sooooooo good at. :)

So... there you have it! An interactive play mat, the size of a place mat, that rolls up and then secures with a buckle:

The little red bag you see contains extras of the little pieces (since toddlers are also really great at losing small items).

And it all stows away in this little bag, which keeps it safe in your purse next to the sippy cup and the crushed-up goldfish crackers (don't pretend like you don't have those in your purse):

This is, by far, the most fun project I have ever worked on. I hope it buys Allie plenty of quiet time on plane trips. :) I plan on making a duplicate for Kisa soon (she fell in love)... after my fingers recover from all the hand-stitching. :)

Recent Projects

2011-03-29T21:15:00.000-07:00

I've been digging out my sewing machine for quite a few projects lately. I find that it's great therapy when you're having a tough day, and I love the productivity- making something out of almost nothing. Kid projects are easy and take the least resources (fabric and notions) so that's what I've been doing. Thought I would share some of my pieces here:

This first one is a dress I made for Kisa out of fabric scraps... I made a similar one in a floral fabric for her BFF Millie and a matching one for Millie's baby sister Sophie. I ended up having enough plain fabric left over to whip up another dress. Since it was a little on the simple side, I added three coordinating rosettes on the waistband. I think it turned out pretty cute... a little on the long side, but hopefully she will be able to wear this all spring and summer. The straps tie so they are adjustable which is neat for little kiddos.
(Here is a link to the pattern which, of course, was free: http://www.made-by-rae.com/2008/05/itty-bitty-dress-take-ii-only-not-as.html)

This one is one of my favorites... not because the fabric is super great, but because Kisa looks amazing in bright blue and the summery-ness of the outfit makes me feel happy inside, even though it will be months before she can wear it out of our house.
The rest of the outfits in this blog were made out of some of Matt's old dress shirts. He was throwing some stuff out the other day, and I just can't stand to see stuff leave my house if I can find something useful to do with it. So I snatched up four shirts and set to work. This particular one was a long sleeve, so I was able to sew the entire top out of the fabric just in the sleeves! Isn't that incredible? The bloomers took up most of the rest of the shirt.
This outfit cost me $1 to make, since I had to buy the elastic for the bloomers, but I used the buttons from Matt's old shirt and had white thread on hand. So it was super cheap! I should mention that if anyone wants to use this pattern, the bloomers are huuuuuuuuge... the pattern was for a 3 month old and these are pretty big on Kisa. She's got little(ish) hips, but still.
(Links to the patterns: Bloomers- http://madquilter.blogspot.com/2010/04/knotted-bow-bloomers.html and Toddler Top- http://www.prudentbaby.com/2010/05/snappy-toddler-top-free-downloadable.html)

This jumper is made out of another one of Matt's shirts, and trimmed with fabric from one of my old shirts. I love jumpers because they are so versatile (worn with leggings and a turtleneck in fall/winter or alone in the summer. You can adjust the buttons as they grow so it will hopefully last a while too!).
As you can see, I have some trouble adhering to the "rules", so I definitely took liberties with some of these patterns. Anyway, here is a link to the jumper pattern I used: http://www.ikatbag.com/2010/01/dress-for-winter-iv-gathered-jumper_15.html

Finally, this is an apron made from another one of Matt's old shirts. It was a pretty nice one, but it had an Axium logo, so it was out! Black isn't really a great color on little girls so I made it into an apron (so helpful for those messy toddler games) and tried to spunk it up a little with some pink accents. I'm not sure how I feel about this one, but hey, it was free and it will protect her other clothes from messes, so that's what matters. Right?!
Apron Pattern here: http://supamb.com/supafine/2007/08/24/sewing-how-to-make-a-kid-sized-chef-apron/

P.S. Isn't that picture hysterical? This kid is destined for a modeling career for sure!

That is it for now, although I have my eye on a couple other patterns I found online and at least one shirt left to recycle, so I'm sure I'll be posting more projects soon. :)

Social Explosion

2011-03-10T12:38:00.000-08:00

I have been meaning to blog for a long time, but honestly, life with a toddler is busy busy busy and yet surprisingly unproductive. ;)

So I blogged recently about the church Matt and I (mostly just me but Matt on occasion) have been attending, Westport. I am too lazy to link to that blog, but you can search back through my archives if you want to reference it or if you missed it. That's just a little background on some of what I plan to talk about in this particular blog.

So... to start off with, I am young. I mean really really young, and I feel it. A lot. Though there are parts of my life where I am, as you would say, "ahead of the curve", the truth is I have only lived on this earth for 23 years and I am not nearly as wise or as self-aware as I feel like I should be.

I find this particularly important when I think about the changes that have been going on in our lives over the past few months and how I have been coping with them. As you all know, our church of several years closed, and Matt and I went on a city-wide "church hunt" to look for a new body for our family to join. It has been a great experience for me in more ways than one, but probably the most essential way has been what it has taught me about myself and the way I perceive myself.

I don't wish to say anything negative about Ethnos, and I'm sure some people will hear it that way regardless of the words I use. But the truth is that by the time Ethnos ended, I was exhausted and looking for some things I felt I had really missed out on (at least in the last several months or year): community with other moms, the ability to serve in the areas I was most passionate and talented, and bible study.

I don't mean to say those things didn't happen at Ethnos, because they definitely did and in fact, the way these things happened at Ethnos has probably formed a lot of my expectations of how church should be. But by the end, it wasn't enough for me. I wanted lots of moms to chat with and have playdates. I wanted lots of artists to create and bring to fruition huge projects. Most of all I have really wanted a personal mentor and a consistent bible study.

So during this time of transition for us, I have been throwing myself headlong into every opportunity that has come my way: relationships, ministries, activities, bible studies. I have found a mentor (she is an amazing lady who I will have to reserve a separate blog for) who I plan to meet with regularly, I have connected with more than one group of mothers and made several really great friendships, and in the near future I hope to help out with the A/V team at Westport. They also have a bible study that I will probably join.

The passion with which I have pursued all these different things reminds me of a kid who has been inside all winter and can finally go out to play in the sun. I am just excited about life and about all the different ways to spread my wings.

I am discovering, as a Christian, how much joy there is in the Gospel message, the community of believers, and the world that God has created for us. That probably sounds crazy, but too much of my adult life I have spent dealing only with the muck and the grime of life and surrounding myself with people who do the same. I don't want to be that person. I want to be a person who is marked by love, joy, and the peace of Christ in her life. I want to be someone who is a good and loyal friend, a faithful servant, and an encouragement in tough times.

As a leader, I also want to be someone who leads with joy and not with fear. I think this is key. I have always thought of myself as a leader and believe it to be one of my spiritual gifts (I have blogged about this before too). But I think my failures to lead well in the past have been tied up in my own negativity- by attempting to control others or by failing to keep my eyes on the goal.

Anyway, I know this blog is pretty much pure madness. I try to be coherent, but honestly, I don't have a ton of time inside my own head at this stage of life, so a lot of my processing happens on this blog. Hopefully you can follow my rabbit trails and see what I am trying to say.

2011-02-28T14:20:00.000-08:00

I'm gonna be honest: I don't really feel like blogging. However, I have been neglecting this blog for a long time, and if I don't push myself, the situation will perhaps deteriorate entirely.

So I will give this my full attention until: a) The dryer goes off or b) my daughter wakes up from her nap, whichever comes first.

----------
My body has been doing some weird stuff lately. Since my thyroid diagnosis, I have been taking medication that has a side effect of speeding up my metabolism. This is super awesome. After spending a whole lifetime as the woman who eats a burger and gains five pounds, I find it extremely gratifying to be able to eat what I want without gaining weight.

But. Is that really a blessing? In the past I have had to be very careful about diet and exercise. There are times when that is stifling and annoying, but overall I think it has led me to good health habits and positive self-image, despite having to pass on cake or bacon from time to time.

So, I am still trying to watch what I eat. Perhaps not the portions as closely as I used to, but at least what goes in. Because you can look great and be totally unhealthy.

In other news, one of my lifelong goals has been to be able to confidently wear a bikini. I do not know why this is a goal, because I don't think I would actually wear a bikini even if I had a killer bikini body. I am one of the most modest people ever (like refuse-to-breastfeed-in-public modest), so I believe in being fully clothed. But, I would really like to try on a bikini at the store and look fantastic in it, then put it back on the shelf and go home (or maybe buy it and wear it just for Matt).

Anyway, I do not even know if this goal is achievable. Let's face it, motherhood does not do wonders for your abs... and there's only so much exercise can do to undo the fact that you carried a human being in your gut for nine months. But, I am going to try.

SO anyway, I have set up a cardio and weight lifting regimen for the next three months and hope to be toned up by the end of them. If not bikini-ready, then at least in better shape, right?!

Aaaaaaaand there goes the dryer! :)

Westport

2011-02-14T13:19:00.000-08:00

So the last two weeks our family has attended Westport church (a nice reprieve from the Pacific Northwest Drum Tour that has been our life for the past few months). I think for the time being Kisa and I are going to be setting up home base there, while Matt continues to play around town as there is need. I think this is a great opportunity for him and love that he is able to be a blessing to lots of different church bodies. But it has been difficult for Kisa and I- it is tough for her to be thrown into a different nursery each week and tough for me to feel like I don't have "roots" anywhere.

Anyway, Kisa and I will be at Westport, for a while anyway. Matt will join us on weeks he is not leading elsewhere, and we will probably join him when he plays at Imago Dei. I don't know how long we will be there or if our whole family will end up there or at Imago, but we shall see, and I'm okay with that for now. I plan on getting plugged in to the community there but keeping my mind open if God calls us to move.

This last week/weekend was especially powerful for me as I felt like I had a good opportunity to get to know the character of the leadership at Westport and the fellow believers there. Last week, one of their members (someone very well connected with the church and different ministries there) was arrested as a result of some nasty sin that had run rampant in his life. I won't go into the details of all that here, because it's not really my story to share. However I was really impressed by the response I saw in the church.

I feel like this man's situation was handled with maturity and grace, with members of the church who had every right to be angry and disgusted instead reaching out and offering support.

Then I was blown away by the sermon on Sunday which was a humbling reminder of who I am without Christ. The jist of the message was this: we can see the effects of unchecked sin in another's life and it is appalling... we may think that we would never stoop to such lows in our own life, and be disgusted and condemn others. But instead, I was reminded that I am not so different from this poor man. I could be in his shoes, easily, without the grace of God. I don't think I'm above any of the sins that are out there. I don't think I'm above cheating on my husband or becoming and alcoholic or abusing my child. All it takes is for us to open ourselves up to sin and temptation. Let it take hold, and we are each capable of the same appalling, disgusting lows. Sin is a slippery slope that way, and none of us are above temptation.

After church, I met a handful of people including the new pastor (who I love- he is one of the most positive and upbeat people I have ever met), childcare workers, and one of the elders, who I had a great conversation with.

Anyway, I have felt very welcomed into this new body and am looking forward to meeting new friends and serving there. Kisa has been struggling with the nursery situation, but she joined us in service last week and was exceptionally well-behaved there (after ramming her head repeatedly into the wall in the childcare). I think we broke her spirit. Hopefully she will adapt now that things will be more stable for her... I'm hoping she makes a connection with one of the childcare providers or kiddos and that will be our ticket to getting well-adjusted with all the new faces.

2011-02-01T23:16:00.000-08:00

I know Matt is going to jump on me for saying this, but... I kinda wish I could freeze time right now so my daughter can be 18 months old for a long time.

I just love it. I have been enjoying every day with her. That is not to say it is not challenging- she has been cutting her molars and I honestly don't think there is a single book in her possession that has not been partially devoured. One night I went out and she ate a page of her FAVORITE book, Baby Loves, which Nana brought her from the Museum of Modern Art in NYC. I was pretty annoyed by that.

In general though, I am loving life. Kisa is happy, I am happy, and we are very busy with friends and "adventures". I am beginning to realize just how well-behaved Kisa generally is, and I am thankful for that.

There is this nagging thought in the back of my head that this won't last forever. She is going to grow up and stop being thrilled by mac and cheese and hunting for ladybugs. Eventually, she will even stop cuddling with me on the couch or running across the room to give me hugs. That sucks. There are things I am really looking forward to about having an older kid, but I love having a toddler. It is just going by way too fast. I don't know if I will ever have another child and so I feel like I need to soak up all of these moments now.

Anyway, there is stuff about parenting a toddler that is really annoying. I guess I have just tried not to see it that way because I know all of it is fleeting and I will miss it when it is over. Well, most of it. I don't think I will ever miss using our playpen as a hallway blocker. :)

I am turning into Matt, I think

2011-01-22T22:18:00.000-08:00

I played my first "horror" video game with Matt today. Even though I pretty much hate horror movies, I can kind of understand the appeal of a spooky game... and playing it myself is MUCH different from watching Matt play.

Isn't it amazing that we live in an age where we have the artistic creativity and technological advances necessary to create video games? I know that most of my readers are not gamers, but have you ever stopped to think about this? Today I played a game where I was running around a broken down space station full of terrifying alien predators... and my heart was pumping as if there might actually be a creature behind me, chasing me. Isn't that really pretty incredible? We are able to experience all kinds of things through video games that we would never be able to do in real life.

I know some of you will say that it's no different from reading a book or watching a movie, but it totally is. There is a level of personal involvement and interaction in a video game that you can't find in a book.

I have always been appreciative of games... I love the artistic/storytelling aspect of gaming, as well as the competition. It makes me sad that a lot of people miss out on what I think is a really cool art form.

2011-01-17T20:42:00.000-08:00

I think I am going to start a new blog. I have been pondering this idea for a while and I'm just going to do it.

The purpose of this blog will be to share tips about home organization and cleanliness. I do not claim to be a perfect housekeeper or to be an expert on this topic, but it does happen to be a passion (sickness?) of mine. So, I am going to start a free blog about it and you are welcome to follow said blog and invite your friends to follow it too (assuming, of course, that my tips are helpful).

I will share the link when I've gotten it ready and published my first post.

How to win friends and influence people

2011-01-08T14:36:00.001-08:00

First of all, let me say thank you to whatever readers have clung through the last several months of this blog. I know it has been drier than the Mojave around here, and unfortunately, like a great many things, that is due to how sick I have been. It is hard to keep up with el blog when my brain feels like it is in a constant fog (yes, the rhyme was intentional). Luckily for all of us, I have finally perked up a bit and regained the ability to form a whole sentence. Which means I hope to be blogging a bit more frequently and coherently in the future.

The past few months have been full of a lot of change for our family, but we are getting rooted in this new stage of life. Recently I have been reminded to seize the opportunity to invest in my husband, daughter, and other new relationships that are beginning to bloom.

Since having Kisa and quitting work, I have watched my social circle shrink dramatically. I no longer connect very often with old friends from school or work and the time I spend with my family takes up such a large portion of my days that it has been easy to call that enough. However, since leaving Ethnos, I have realized that the social network I have had may also begin to deteriorate as friends move on to new ministries with their families.

In short, it's time to get out there and make some friends!

Making new friends has always been a bit of a struggle for me. I, like most people I know, have my share of insecurities. Add to that a sprinkle of shyness and my overwhelming tendency to shove my foot in my mouth (thanks Dad- I'm convinced it's genetic), and you have a great recipe for social anxiety. When I was younger I really let this control my interactions with those around me. As I have grown, I am beginning to realize that I am not the only one who feels this way. I'm not the only person who wonders if the people they like really like them back. I'm not the only person who is too shy to ask a new friend out for coffee or a playdate. I'm not even the only person who walks away from conversations kicking themselves over saying something totally and completely idiotic.

At one of the churches Matt and I have visited recently, we had the privilege of experiencing an appointment of new deacons for the church. They had men and women who were being acknowledged in leadership positions come forward and share why they were being called to that position. One of these people in particular shared something that really touched my heart, and I have been pondering it ever since. This man was being appointed as the deacon of "hospitality", but he described himself as a very guarded, shy introvert. I thought that was strange, but he went on to explain that throughout his life he had always felt like he was on the "fringe" and didn't quite know how to fit in or make friends. As he and his wife began attending church, he got plugged into their community and realized that his shyness had been a gift. He understands more that anyone else what it feels like to be sitting alone in a pew wondering how to reach out to others. He wasn't intimidated by people who were quiet or withdrawn. In fact, he knew how to speak to them and include them without belittling who they were in Christ or forcing them to be the extroverts they were not.

I walked away from that service thinking that this was a cool story, a unique story, and it could easily be my story if I could muster the courage to obey God's call to community in a way I hadn't before.

So, I have started to put myself out there. I have tried not to worry about what people are thinking of me. I have invited, welcomed, complimented and encouraged people where I otherwise wouldn't for fear they would see me as desperate, clingy, or fake. It sounds idiotic when I write it, but it has been a fear of mine that by pursuing friendships with others, I would seem needy.

The biggest hurdle has been to try to relieve myself of guilt for the stupid things I sometimes say. I am an intelligent woman, but my tongue usually has a head start on my brain, and, like I said earlier, I spend a lot of time with my foot in my mouth. That used to deter me from forming close relationships with people. But what I have learned lately is that people are far more gracious than I have given them credit for. If I have the humility to apologize and laugh at myself from time to time, my friends have been kind and forgiving when what I've said has been hurtful or offensive. Thank God for that, because taming my tongue will be a lifelong struggle. I heard a preacher once say that a witty tongue is not a gift but a curse, and I could not agree more.

Anyway, my goal as always is to be real and open with everyone I meet. Hopefully I can be as free with my encouragement as I am with my cynicism, and pick myself up when I stumble.

Thanks for reading!

(Oh, and for those of you who are wondering, no, I'm not reading the book.)

17 months!

2011-01-04T22:05:00.000-08:00

On Saturday Kisa will be 17 months old.

Last night Matt and I let her watch some home videos (of herself) that we had put on youtube, and I was amazed that I seriously have almost no recollection of baby Kisa. It might be the fatigue, or just selective memory, but my daughter is a toddler in basically all my memories of her. It was weird to see her drinking from a bottle and cooing and blinking in her Grandpa's lap.

I think that seeing my child every day makes me oblivious to the fact that she is actually growing and moving forward, so instead I just project backwards and think she must have always been this smart and done this many things. Although, come to think of it, I do remember that in November she knew how to make one animal sound (sometimes- a monkey), and now she has mastered the following: cat, dog, snake, horse, elephant, duck, bear, tiger, sheep, ladybug, dragon, dinosaur (you know- all the important ones).

My favorite part of this phase is watching her sense of humor develop. She has learned to nod her head "yes" and shake her head "no". She also likes to use the actual word no, which comes out more like "mmmm... nah", like she has to think about it (for example: "Kisa, do you have a dirty diaper?" "Mmmmmm... nah." I guarantee you she does.)

Anyway, she likes to answer yes or no questions, which she does very emphatically, although her answers are rarely true. She also doesn't really use the word "mama", but if I ask her if she can say "mama", she will either a) nod her head and smile (but not say it) or b) laugh and say "dada" instead. Little stinker.

I think I am going to start keeping a log of new things I see her picking up, that way I can get a better idea of her progress. Since Christmas, she has:

- Learned how to build towers with her MegaBlocks (her new favorite activity of all time)
- Learned "Ta-DA!" (with arm movements of course)
- Begun crawling up on objects and using some objects as bridges to other objects (ex. kitchen chair to kitchen table, toilet to counter, etc)... makes me CRAZY
- Learned how to pick out a DVD from the shelf, pop it out of the box, turn on the xbox and tv, insert the disc and start playing it... this one also makes me crazy
- Also, recently, but I'm not sure when, she has started waving for "hi" and not just "bye". When she comes into bed with us at night, she has to say hi/wave to Matt before she lays down and goes back to sleep... it's very cute.

I think that is all for now, but I'm sure I will come up with more later, or she'll learn something new tomorrow.

Thyroid Disease :(

2010-12-08T12:42:00.001-08:00

Well well.

I posted that last blog with the full intent of following it up with an equally verbose sequel, but I got a little bit sidetracked- first with some health issues and then by the business of life in general. So, I plan on coming back to that topic, but today I'm going to go on a rabbit trail.

The month of November was a tough one for me, physically speaking. For the later part of October and the entirety of November I was experiencing nausea, loss of appetite, headaches, fatigue etc. I didn't say much about it because I was almost certain that the symptoms were the result of morning sickness (which, THANK GOD, they were not). I wasn't the only one who thought that either- I have had no less than five pregnancy tests (four of them ordered by doctors), and an ultrasound, in the past month. No babies! So we're in the clear.

What I eventually discovered, last week, is that all of my myriad symptoms have been the result of thyroid disease which has gone untreated for at least a year. A couple of months after Kisa was born, I was diagnosed with thyroid dysfunction and put on a hormone replacement, but after a couple of months of treatment my primary care physician took me off the drugs, told me I was cured, and sent me on my way. Since that time, I haven't had any blood tests or check-ups, but I definitely wasn't cured.

Unfortunately, what my doctor had written off as postpartum thyroiditis is actually thyroid disease. When I had blood work done last week to confirm this diagnosis, the doctor who took my tests was floored that I was still functioning normally and had gone a year without getting a checkup. How insane! I find it really sad, actually, that I am so out of tune with my body as to write off all of the symptoms I have experienced over the past year as "well, that's mommyhood for you!". My general exhaustion, hair loss, struggle to lose weight, irritability, sensitivity to cold, trouble sleeping... etc, etc. Your thyroid is basically what makes your body go, so if you imagine pretty much everything in your body slowing down almost to a standstill, that is where I've been for almost a year. It's pretty sad to think I could have felt so much better than I did (especially during the summer, it would have been a big help!). I have at times over the past week felt overjoyed, sad, and frustrated when I consider how much this has affected, and will continue to affect, my daily life. But I have promised myself to be more engaged in matters of my own health moving forward, and to be more in tune with my own body.

It takes a period of several weeks to several months to regulate hormone levels when you start a hormone replacement treatment, so it will be a while before I am fully myself again, but I am looking forward to a point in the future where I have more energy, can shake off what feels like a mental fog, and feel more grounded emotionally. I am also looking forward to getting some more answers as to why my body has shut down on me so dramatically at such a young age. Although thyroid disease is pretty common among women, it's not very common for someone so young and otherwise healthy, so I will be consulting an endocrinologist to see if there may be other factors causing this illness and if there are any effects from the period during which I was untreated. Severe hypothyroidism can cause heart disease and infertility when unchecked, so I'll need to investigate and see if I have done any kind of permanent damage to my body, which I'm really hoping (and pretty certain) is not the case.

All in all, it has been an emotional week for me. The predominant feeling is one of relief, and motivation to get as healthy as I can. I have let up on my expectations of myself a little bit. I am trying not to be as rigid with my diet and exercise right now and just focus on getting better. It is easier to allow myself to rest more when I think that I will only need to be doing this for a little while, rather than that my fatigue is a way of life that must be conquered (which is how I've been operating for so many months- just push through it!). I firmly believe in the power of positive thinking, so I'm trying to be really kind to my body and think happy thoughts. I'm convinced this has already made a big difference, even by something as minor as saying to myself "Look what I have accomplished today" instead of focusing on all the things I didn't do.

I would be lying, though, if I said there haven't been some moments of intense frustration and sadness in the past week. My difficult nursing Kisa and her early weaning, I now realize, was a result of my disease being unmedicated by my doctor. I have felt frustrated thinking about how much money we spent on baby formula, and sad that I wasn't able to give my daughter all that I wanted to. I have also spent a good deal of time and money in the past year pursuing treatments for symptoms that stemmed from thyroid disease, and that is frustrating too. To think that I had the answer and that my failure to ask enough questions or get involved in my treatment process resulted in all of this nonsense... can be kind of difficult to process emotionally.

In addition to that, there is the reality that I have been diagnosed with a chronic illness. So, for the rest of my life, I will be taking pills and getting blood tests. I pray that I can manage this disease to the best of my ability so that it doesn't affect other parts of my health, and I am taking steps to educate myself as much as possible about my illness and treatment options. I want to be knowledgeable about my health, and I definitely don't want to end up in a similar situation again!

Anyway, I realize that is probably not an interesting topic for most of my readers, but I think it's important to chronicle for myself, as well as for Kisa, who has a very high risk of a developing this disease when she gets older. But hopefully she just inherit my creativity instead! :)

Ministry goals

2010-11-29T09:36:00.000-08:00

Hopefully, it comes as no surprise to you (whoever you are) that Matt and I are currently in the midst of a church transition. Ethnos, the church where we have spent the last 5-6 years of our lives and ministry, is drawing to a close, which leaves us "homeless" for the time being. Over the past couple of months we have had the opportunity of visiting a number of churches in the Beaverton and Portland area, and have narrowed down our search considerably. I feel like we are far from making a decision about where we would like to attend, but the process has been an interesting one for our family.

Recently, Matt has had opportunities to help lead worship at 3 different churches in the greater Portland/Vancouver area, and from my estimation, it has been an incredible time of growth for him as a musician and worship leader. The combination of playing with many different musicians, the encouragement of being sought after as a worship leader, and the opportunity to see how other believers worship has been great for all of us, but especially for Matt. It has been fun for me to watch him fully use his gifts and rise to the many opportunities he has been presented with.

However, I would be lying if I said it isn't also a little bit intimidating. As we've traveled around to these new churches, I feel a tiny bit like I am being ripped out of my element. I am going to places where no one knows me beyond what little they may know of Matt. Almost every week I field the same comments from strangers: 1) Your husband is a very good drummer, and 2) Your daughter is cute/adorable/beautiful/precious. I have sunk to a position of total anonymity, and after several years of being known-- WELL-- by my community, it is weird.

Rather than be disheartened by this, I have been encouraged to take a good look at my own heart and where I see myself serving in whatever place we end up. You see, as a young mom it is really, REALLY easy to get caught up in motherhood. As firmly as I believe that God designed me for the purpose of being Matt's wife and Kisa's mother, I also believe that he means me for much, MUCH more than that. Simply put, my family is not my whole life... they are just a piece of it. One of the deepest desires of my heart is to encourage each of them to pursue their own goals and passions, and one of the ways I see myself doing this (especially in my daughter's case) is to lead by example.

Recently I have become a bit restless, and am aching for the chance to employ my gifts and to do ministry in a way that is transformational for myself and those around me. It is something I have thought of quite often lately, and a vision is taking shape for the future. It is something I am excited about (although still working through), and thus something I want to share.

(Maybe now would be a good point to add in a disclaimer. Although I have spent a good deal of time studying the topic I am about to write about, I am by no means a theologian and I have not had the benefit of seminary training. So although what I am about to say is the result of years of study, mentoring, prayer, and seeking God's direction in my life, I am not trying to present my views as infallible or completely formed. I do believe them to be Biblical, but as I know what I say may be a little unorthodox I leave it to you to decide and to challenge.)

I believe that I have the spiritual gift of craftsmanship. Depending on where you go to church or what spiritual gifts inventory you've taken, you may or may not have heard of this gift, or even believe that it is a spiritual gift. You may define it anywhere on the broad spectrum of skills relating to either the creative arts or to architecture/construction. So let me give a somewhat brief/casual explanation of what I believe this gift encompasses, and why.

Though seldom mentioned in the New Testament, there are a few instances in the Old Testament where the Holy Spirit blesses an individual with the gift of "craftsmanship" (this is the term I will use for the purpose of the blog, though the actual word varies according to the text you are reading). These situations occur when God commands the people to build worship structures (ex the Temple) and although the work requires many artisans, there is one laborer that is granted this particular gift. It certainly includes a talent or passion for the arts, but as we know these things can and do exist outside of the church. Rather, the men in the OT who possess the gift of craftsmanship are more like overseers (supervisors or mobilizers) of the other artisans.

It has been difficult for me to pinpoint what exactly this means for me, but let me start by explaining how I have discovered what I am not. Through many spiritual gifts tests, I have often come up with the conclusion that I have a passion and ability for leadership as well as for administration. This is not entirely true, but it is a close representation of what I believe my gift to actually be. Craftsmanship, as Biblically defined and as I have seen in my own life, is a combination of these three elements: a passion for/talent for the arts, the ability to lead, and the means to organize others in this pursuit.

I see it as a gift under the umbrella of many other worship gifts. In that way I have often thought that it's pretty cool that Matt and I have such similar makeup, even though our mode of expression seems so different. When Matt leads musical worship, he is doing with music what I seek to lead others in doing with the arts.

So what exactly is it that I think I'm leading people to? Well, I believe that the act of creation can be an act of worship. I believe we were created in God's image and that includes the ability to create. I believe we were gifted with beauty and a love and appreciation for that beauty as both a call to worship and a means of worship. There is something in the arts, specifically in music but also in fine art, that captures the heart in a way that nothing else can. For my part, I believe that to be a mode of communication that opens our heart in different ways to our Creator; ways that words cannot.

That all sounds pretty vague and hippie-dippy, I know, but my point is that I think art is valuable to the Church as a way to worship and evangelize. The more we can harness our creative gifts, the more we can worship in a way that is transformational and the better we can represent Christ to the world around us. It is no wonder that Paul spoke of the physical world as being an undeniable representation of God. How can you experience something as beautiful as a sunset, a canyon, a snow-capped mountain and claim there is no God? And don't you think a God who has created so much beauty around us loves it when we worship him with our own expressions of beauty?

Because of a great many things in history (idolatry, iconoclasm... to name a couple), the fine arts have taken a backburner or been pushed out of the Western Church. There is a lot there that I can't tackle in this post, but my main goal is to mobilize other artists to worship, in a healthy way, by using their creative gifts. I believe this would change the way the entire church worships, even those who don't think of themselves as artistic or don't care much for art.

Specifically, I hope to become an administrator or leader (of sorts) for those who have creative abilities. I'd love to help them channel their individual gifts into modes of corporate worship... a great example would be leading the Stations of the Cross, which I have done at Ethnos in prior years. I have some other ideas of experiential worship events... things that allow artists to do what they do, and the church to experience God in a fresh way because of it. So if I were to sum it up in a few words, I suppose that is how I would describe my passion and where I think God is calling me forward in ministry.

Now I am trusting God that he will lead us to a place where Matt and I are both able to be mentored, equipped and encouraged in our individual and intersecting passions, and, most of all, where we are able to engage in service the way we hope to! I think there are some strong possibilities out there for us, and it's exciting to feel like we could be on the brink of a new chapter in our lives and ministry.

You can bet I'll be writing more about this as we continue our journey. I've really only shared about a tenth of what I've got bouncing around in my head, but it already feels like I'm trying to say too much too fast and not communicating clearly. I wish I had my husband's gift for blogging! Ah well. ;)

And with that I'm signing off... it's been a long day, parenting-wise, and I'm exhausted.

Something your friends may not tell you

2010-11-19T08:31:00.001-08:00

Fifteen months after the birth of my daughter, my rib cage is just now beginning to return to it's previous size/shape. I am told this depends on the woman and that some bounce back more quickly than others, while some are permanently altered.

Personally I feel lucky that I am not too much the worse for wear. I partly attribute this to still being a young'un myself, so thanks, God, for that... ;)

Housekeeping

2010-11-09T15:08:00.000-08:00

Occasionally (fine... daily) I time myself while performing random household tasks. I find it helps me to keep my perspective on the days I feel tempted to make statements like "I spend my whole life cleaning" or "I never have any free time."

My mom once gave me a great housekeeping tip, which was that if I could employ a general system of order and commit to cleaning once a week, then caring for my house would not be an overwhelming task. In other words, if your house is basically clean and organized, then a little bit of tidying every day keeps things from getting out of control.

I spend 5 minutes/day in each room of my house, and 15 minutes in the kitchen. It comes out to about 30 minutes a day. Doable. And then I stop.

So far, this system has been great, and I've become even more of a believer since Kisa has begun walking and flinging random items around the house. She has the ability to make my living room look like a war zone, but because of my timer, I now know that no matter how terrible the chaos seems, it only takes me an average of 2.5 minutes to correct.

I also know that it takes me only 4 minutes to unload and re-load my dishwasher, which is less than the amount of time it takes to make a cup of tea. Not bad.

So if I happen to walk into my house at 12:45pm (like I did today) and find every room cluttered with dirty dishes, toys and laundry in a questionable state of cleanliness, at the very least I can know that within 30 minutes I can be back to my tidy happy place. And I will still have at least an hour and a half of naptime left to relax. Or to blog.

An Addendum

2010-11-03T13:08:00.000-07:00

One of the reasons I am so jazzed about Kisa's new sleep schedule is because I finally have the opportunity to get up before my daughter if I want. This was never a possibility before because she either: a) woke up before 6:30 or b) woke up when she heard me or Matt get up since she slept in our bed.

The timing of this really couldn't be better, cause it lets me have some lead time in the morning to have a quiet time and exercise. (I was just telling my dad and Emiko on Sunday that I'm having to adapt my workout routine to account for the rain. I have been jogging/walking most mornings, which works really well for both me and Kisa, but I know that won't be a possibility as we move toward winter.) Now I can get up early and work out indoors, which is ridiculously awesome.

I have spent the last week or so catching up on a year plus of missed sleep, but I was feeling well rested this morning and got up early to hit the gym (aka my living room with my set of dusty weights). Unfortunately for me, I seem to have some kind of mild stomach bug, and I couldn't bring myself to finish the routine.

Luckily today is a GORGEOUS day, so Kisa and I walked to the library instead and played on the playground. It was fun, and one of the first times I've been to a playground with her, since she is just now developing the necessary skills to actually play on one. I have discovered that she really, REALLY likes slides. Or maybe she just likes squealing when sliding down them.

Sweet Dreams

2010-11-01T14:09:00.000-07:00

Over the last week or so, we have noticed some significant improvements in Kisa's sleeping, which is something that has been a struggle from the beginning. After many attempts at sleep training, we eventually resigned ourselves to the idea that she would sleep on her own when she was ready, and tried our best to cope with it.

I haven't changed a thing about her routine and can't point my finger to a variable that might have influenced her decision to sleep on her own. But I am ready for it. She has been doing some sort of 8pm-8am routine at nights in her crib, and for the last month or more has been putting herself down without a peep for naps and at bedtime.

It is crazy now to think about how much work it used to be to put her down for the night, and how much stress it gave us. It has probably been the biggest ongoing parenting struggle thus far. To see some measurable improvement is amazing. FINALLY!

I kind of love the way this worked out and that there is no explanation or change in behavior to lead to such a sudden improvement. It just reinforces, to me, my belief that some things will happen in their own time. No amount of stress or worry or tears or bedtime stories or parenting advice made my kid sleep better. She just figured it out, with a little bit of help, when she was ready.

It can be unbelievably frustrating at times... but that is just parenthood.

Family Planning

2010-10-28T12:13:00.000-07:00

When you first get married (or maybe even when you're engaged), there is one question you will get over and over and over again: "When are you going to have kids?"

Once you become pregnant and actually give birth to that long-awaited child, a new question will rear its ugly head: "So when's the next one coming?"

Never mind that asking this question is, really, a pretty stupid thing to do. You never know what a couples' journey toward (or feelings about) parenthood may be. At the worst you are opening a deep wound, and at best you're being nosy and putting your friend/relative in an awkward spot.

Still, we all ask the question. I don't know why we do it, but we do it. Maybe because those of us who are parents want others to share in our joy (and our misery). Maybe because we want nieces or nephews or grandkids. Maybe just cause it's the thing you ask a couple. I don't know.

Lately this question has started to wear on me because of the answer that I have to give: I don't know. I don't know when the next one is coming. I don't know if there will ever BE a next one. And when I think of the reasons and compare pros and cons, I end up even more confused and anxious than when I began. There are arguments on both sides that make logical sense, and there are very real, very strong emotions pulling me in opposing directions. It is hard to make sense of it all, and to be patient and faithful.

I am learning of the ripple effect that an unplanned pregnancy can have in your life. Long after we have adjusted to the idea of parenthood, and to parenthood itself, we are still sifting through the rubble of our "plan".

The handful of times that I had imagined myself as a mother, I imagined it after school and work, maybe in my late twenties or early thirties. I had envisioned quitting my job to stay home with one, or two, or maybe even three reasonably spaced children. I pictured myself running errands while they were in school. Maybe doing some gardening in our backyard or taking the dog to obedience class.

I know it sounds really selfish to be mourning the loss of that dream, especially since I have a beautiful daughter and I am one of the few women who is blessed to be able to be a stay at home mom. In this day and age, that is truly rare. But I can't help continuing to feel a slight loss at how life has played out.

Let me explain: I am rapidly approaching a time which I feel like justifies a reasonable age gap between children. Like, if everything had gone according to plan, and we had a three or four bedroom house and a backyard, we might be able to think about filling up another one of those bedrooms. Maybe. But instead I feel overwhelmed by the concept; physically, emotionally, financially unprepared for another child, and a little disheartened by the reality, which is that we are nowhere near that place that I wanted to be, hoped I'd be, when my first child was walking. I may be looking for a job soon, and those extra bedrooms and that backyard seem like an impossibly distant dream.

So, what's the big deal with that, really? Why can't your kids be spaced five or seven years apart. Even ten? I know in my brain that this is totally reasonable, but I guess- I don't know- I had just thought that I could do it at once, that my kids would go to high school together and play games and be friends and that I would capitalize on their overlap. Five years seems like such a long time to wait to basically repeat everything I have just gone through.

I know to a lot of you that seems silly, and controlling, and maybe it is. I know that I can't express in words how I have been feeling, but the lie that you have been told by society- they call it "Family Planning"- is a difficult bubble to have break. I envisioned parenthood being a much clearer road than this, and I had hoped we'd feel prepared to embark upon it. What does it say that 14+ months in I still feel totally unsure about doing it over again?

The hardest part of all is the unknown, the terrible dangling possibility, the door that you can't shut. It's like standing forever at a fork in the road, just staring at the signs. I can't say with certainty that I'll have another child. But I also can't say that I won't. I can't even know when we will be ready to make that decision.

I don't know why the unknown, the openness, is so disconcerting for me. It could be that with so many other unknowns in life, this is just something that I want to control in my own way. I have struggled and struggled with surrendering this to God and have repeatedly failed. Somewhere deep in my heart I've tried to look ahead to the futures that are open to us and they seem right. Part of me says that there is no right or wrong time for children. That squeezing our kids into a bunk bed and living ten more years in this condo can work, and can even be beautiful. Another part of me says that I need to surrender some of my own dreams and plans to be responsible... to be patient and wait until the time is right. I can do this again in five years, or seven years, or ten years, when God tells us that it is the right time.

Lastly, there is the part of me that wants to close the door on this possibility and pour all my love and ministry into the amazing family God has already blessed me with. This idea is the one that confuses me the most, because that suggestion sends a shock of overwhelming emotions cascading through my body: disappointment and relief; grief, but also a beautiful and attractive sort of finality.

The more I think on this, the more I wonder if grief may always be a part of this process. There is the initial grief and loss of things not going your way, and there will always be the grief of choosing not to have more kids (no matter when you stop). That is a weird kind of grief- like mourning someone you have never met- but also, in a way, it is kind of like mourning a loss of self, a loss of the ability to carry life or to mother again. I envy women who have the opportunity to "try" to get pregnant. I can't imagine the joy of getting the news that you are going to have that baby you have dreamed and hoped and prayed for. It must feel so different to walk around with that pregnant belly full of someone you are just dying to meet.

Just so you know, I'm aware of how crazy (and maybe even offensive) that sounds. I know there are women everywhere who are dying to be in my shoes, who have tried for years or have lost children in the womb. I can't imagine that either, but for my part, I feel like with Kisa I was robbed of some of the joy and expectation of pregnancy. I want to experience that. But that in and of itself is not enough of a reason to have more children, and when I think that Kisa's may have been my only experience of pregnancy, I feel a sense of loss.

Without a doubt, parenthood has shaken me and reminded me, again and again, that God is in charge of me and not the other way around. However, none of it is for the reasons I had imagined. To think that something as personal as motherhood is actually completely out of your control (despite what we may call our contraceptives) is the biggest knock to my pride I could have imagined.

I struggle with how to end this long wave of emotion because I cannot tie up any of my loose ends. I can't pretend like sharing this has clarified anything, rather I feel like it has rubbed me raw. Instead of hiding this I have chosen to share what I think many will find silly, or crazy, or over dramatic. In writing I can recognize my own failure to communicate the gravity or depth of my feelings, but I cannot reconcile the two.

So with that, I'll end.

Fleas

2010-10-20T12:44:00.000-07:00

What I am about to say is likely going to incur the wrath of my husband and without a doubt that of my extended family, but in the interest of openness and honesty here it comes:

I have discovered that I do not particularly enjoy being a pet owner.

I think it has something to do with both the disposition of our cat and the plethora of medical problems he has had in the last year or so. And maybe also that since I have become a mom caring for him has become primarily my responsibility instead of Matt's.

I think I used to kind of enjoy Zeus when I was pregnant and had lots of time but didn't have to take care of him at all. I have a handful of memories of us cuddling and even once showing some of my coworkers pictures I had taken of him on my phone. But that is the only time in the history of my relationship with Zeus that I remember our bond progressing even slightly beyond mere tolerance.

Even though I feed him, water him, change his litter box, pet him, play with him, let him sleep in our bed, clean up his puke, give him medicine, take him to the vet and even cuddle him on occasion (when HE allows it) my reward from him is usually a hiss or a bite. Lately, he's even batted at/bitten Kisa once or twice, which makes my blood boil.

Soooo. His most recent thing is fleas, which I am terrified of. After we found one flea on him I literally have spent the past 2 1/2 days scrubbing our house and washing everything in sight. I haven't seen a flea anywhere else besides on him or dead on the floor, but I am panicked by the idea of little bugs crawling around our house biting us and laying sick eggs. Even I can see that I am slightly over-reacting (I'm pretty sure the pros aren't as thorough as I have been) but I don't care. I don't want a flea-infested house or cat.

Anyway, in the midst of all of this, I have felt about 10% bad for Zeus and about 90% annoyed. I feel bad saying that, because you are supposed to love your pets, right? But I was not raised to have familial-type love for animals and having an actual child makes everything relating to the cat seem so much less important.

Now... before you judge. Please re-read the list of things I do for him. I do everything for this cat. I am the one who notices when he is sick and does something about it. Were it not for me, I doubt we would have noticed the flea situation for at least another week until they started to attack us or multiply out of control. So... it's not like I ignore him or neglect him. I'm not mean to him. But I have begun to think of him as the "weird uncle" of our family, the one you just have to tolerate because he's in your family whether you like it or not.

Zeus is one of the not-so-small things I have compromised on out of love for my husband, and in the last several years I have not complained much about him, so maybe it's just reached a pressure point or something. Regardless. It feels good to have gotten it off my chest.

Lastly, to my dear family members: let me just clarify that I am not saying I hate all animals. I enjoy your pets from a distance, similar to the way that one enjoys being an aunt or uncle but doesn't want to be a parent themselves.

2010-10-04T09:46:00.000-07:00

It has been way too long since I have written a blog. Life has been busy- but that is nothing new.

So what is new? Kisa is now walking, and I have to say, I am loving it. Every parent in every grocery store over the past 13 months told me that when my daughter started walking my "life would be over". Well... whatever you say, crazies. It is fun to watch her take so much joy in her ability to move around. She gets so excited sometimes that she will run up and down the hallway just for the sheer joy of it. That is always fun to watch, and in terms of getting into stuff, IMO, it really makes no difference if your kid is crawling or walking. Either way they require constant supervision!

I am finally entering the phase of parenthood that I most anticipated: toddlerhood. I know I am flying blind here, so all you seasoned parents might be shaking your heads at my naivete. I'm sure discipline, potty training, and the terrible twos will give us a run for our money, but all in all, I am enjoying watching my daughter grow. There are so many new things we can do now that she is walking. We have been "exploring" the area around our condo every afternoon. She is a very tactile little girl, and she is interested in all the different textures found outside (grass, flowers, rocks, dirt, pavement). I have never seen anyone so fascinated by anything in my life (except maybe Elmo). I am looking forward to taking her to the park, the pumpkin patch, and the Children's Museum. I am sure we'll be making a trip back to the zoo soon, now that she and Matt can move on their own and she has a little more patience for finding animals.

Another great thing about this age is that we don't have to tote so much stuff with us when we leave the house. Kisa can eat and drink real people food... soooooo nice. She can even use a straw to drink out of a regular cup if there's no sippy cup on hand. It really makes life a whole lot easier at mealtime, since she can self-feed and chew things up... no more preparing special meals and less of cutting things into tiny pieces. I'm loving that!

In other news, I'm back on the WW wagon and running 5-6 days a week. It's been good for me both physically and mentally to have some "alone time" every morning. We have a jogging stroller so Kisa joins me on my runs, but she is content to sit in her stroller pointing out birds, cars and squirrels the whole time, which leaves me free to think. Initially I had planned to not exercise on the weekends, but I've been finding that I miss the routine and the exercise on Saturdays and Sundays, so I usually sneak a shorter walk or jog in on those days as well.

Over the past month I've lost 9 or 10 pounds. I'm not to my goal weight, but I have been sticking to my diet and exercise and that's what's important to me. Matt is fond of telling me that weight is a poor measurement of fitness anyway... when your body is replacing fat with muscle you can be in better shape at a higher weight.

Finally, in 9 days Matt and I will be hopping on a plane to Southern California for a 5-day trip (it will be the first time we've been away more than two days together since our honeymoon, and our first trip without Kisa). Matt is going to be in his friend's wedding, and we'll be hitting up Disneyland for the first time in Matt's life, so it should be a really fun weekend.

It is actually really cool how planning this whole trip has played out. We live on one income and we don't have a whole lot of money, so we were stressed about the cost. With airfare for two people and four nights in a hotel, plus meals and tickets to Disneyland, it would have been a crazy expensive trip. We finally decided to just put on a happy face and try to enjoy it (since most of the expenses were unavoidable anyway).

I feel like God has been blessing us a bit though, because this is something that we REALLY need and I have seen the way he has orchestrated events so that we're now able to take the trip without blowing a huge chunk of our savings.

First, we found out we had some frequent flyer miles that we were able to use to buy a ticket for Matt. Then, his friend offered to get us into Disneyland for free on our second day down there. Finally, another friend offered to let us crash at their place for the whole trip! So now I'm feeling like we can enjoy our trip without feeling guilty about spending money we shouldn't be. Isn't God good?

I'm sure I have more I could blog about, but as usual I'll cut this short so I can get back to my mommy duties. :)

2010-09-02T14:57:00.000-07:00

I want to be a stand up comedian.

Happy Thoughts

2010-09-01T22:12:00.000-07:00

Wow! It's been a long time since I last blogged. I have been in a bit of a rut lately. The last month has been one of those head-down-and-keep-on-chuggin' kinda months, and I am glad to kiss August 2010 goodbye and start a new chapter in life.

I am feeling especially cheerful this evening since Matt got some good news today. Starting this afternoon, he was able to put weight on his foot and over the next two weeks he will be transitioning into walking without his crutches. That means that sometime in the next 2-3 weeks he will be able to return to work, at least part time. Once he gets off the crutches, he will be able to do other things for himself as well (like get meals and take a shower). I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It's hard not to get my hopes up as to what Matt will be able to help with, chore-wise, and when he'll be able to help with it. All I know is that it will be amazing the first night he is able to put Kisa down, or the first weekend morning I am able to sleep in. I have been really blessed to have lots of help from friends and family over the past six weeks, but nothing can replace your spouse/your kid's dad. It will be cool to see Matt and Kisa walking around the house together pretty soon. It is not too far off for either of them.

Which brings me to another point: my kid is walking. She hasn't quite mastered it yet, but I've watched her take several steps together, crossing the living room on her own. Today we walked from our house to the mailbox (with me holding her hands) and then halfway back before she lost interest. She has been pretty brave. A couple of times I have watched her eat it pretty badly, but she picks herself up (sometimes even giggling) and just keeps on truckin'. I think the real tipping point for her has been, and will continue to be, efficiency. She picks up a new mode of transportation only when she deems it more efficient than her previous preferred method. She followed this pattern moving from rolling to zombie crawl and from zombie crawl to an actual crawl. In this, she is truly her father's daughter.

I've enjoyed watching her learn to stand up on her own, which is still a pretty weird thing to see. To think that this baby I have spent the past year feeding, rocking, changing etc. is no longer a baby and can actually do some things on her own is strange. She tried to feed herself with a spoon the other day (it was a disaster, but she had fun).

I am really looking forward to this next stage of parenting. Although I do miss the small baby stage, I am excited to watch my daughter learn, grow, and begin to express her sense of humor and her personality in ways we can understand. I really can't wait for her to start talking.

On a final note, this past weekend was our last weekend meeting at Ethnos before the upcoming Walkabout, which I am also really pumped about. I think it will be great to relax for a bit and explore what these different communities have to offer. Our extended family might potentially be joining us in visiting a few of these churches, which I am also looking forward to.

Anyway, here's to a new chapter- to getting out of this rut, and getting on with life!

2010-08-17T13:11:00.001-07:00

3 Things I Love About My Daughter:

1. The way she snuggles up to me in the middle of the night (like a tiny spoon)

2. The way she always asks to read her favorite book (Baby Loves), EVERY bed time and nap time, no matter how tired she is or how many times we've read it that day

3. How she helps me fold the laundry by handing me items piece by piece. And then when we're finished, how she knocks over the pile of folded laundry so we can do it over again.

2010-08-11T09:21:00.000-07:00

Kisa has a nasty cold and has been ridiculously grumpy lately (yesterday evening and this morning). I don't know if tylenol would help, but it's a moot point since I'm out of it anyway.

Great gifts come in small packages

2010-08-09T13:46:00.001-07:00

Well, I had a great birthday this year. It was probably one of my favorite birthdays so far. The only thing that could have improved my day would have been if Matt was not bedridden/in a wheelchair, but overall I couldn't have asked for more. I love that Kisa and I share a birth weekend. I'm sure in a few years she will loathe that fact, but for now she is blissfully unaware that the world does not orbit her, which is how we like it.

I received many beautiful gifts this year, but perhaps my favorite was this locket (Matt bought it for me off of a fellow Etsy seller). It is one of my little quirks that I have always had a fascination with lockets, since I rarely wear any jewelry besides my wedding ring. But I have wanted one since I was a little girl, and I finally have one! How perfect that I have exactly two family members.

It was a great weekend, but I would be lying if I said I felt anything other than completely exhausted this morning. We had to get up and going early today to take Matt to his physical therapy appointment. (Sidenote: Kisa stayed in daycare at the hospital during the appointment- her first time EVER being babysat by anyone other than close friends or family- and she did GREAT. I think she must have wooed the employees, because they were actually sad to see her leave. What a pleasant surprise; I was expecting a total meltdown. I'll chalk it up to her love of the spotlight and fascination with other kids.)

We have another appointment with the knee doctor this week, and I am starting to stress a little about that one, because we aren't sure what will happen. Matt will get another x-ray, and hopefully (!) his bone hasn't shifted. If it has, we may be looking at surgery after all. I think this is really unlikely, but it doesn't stop me from worrying about it a little. I will be glad to get Wednesday over with either way, because I really hate the pressure of the unknown.

Well, it is naptime for Kisa which means... time to pick up the house! So much laundry and so little time!

Thanks to everyone who celebrated with us yesterday, your presence (and your presents!) were much appreciated. ;)

Ciara Hartzell and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

2010-08-03T09:34:00.000-07:00

My feelings exactly, Alexander.

Last night at 10:45 Kisa woke up and decided it was play time. It took me an hour and 45 minutes to get her back to sleep, and then another half hour to fall asleep myself. After which, I was promptly awakened by the cat tipping over the glass of water on Matt's nightstand. Ugh...

What followed was actually a glorious night of sleep, but this morning I woke up in a puddle of infant pee. Yes, Kisa wet the bed- and by THE bed, I mean MY bed*. So I had to wake her up and change her diaper and clothes. She refused to go back to sleep, so I came out to the kitchen to get her started on breakfast. Lo and behold, on my way to the kitchen I stepped in a MONSTER pile of cat puke (thanks Zeus)! By the time I had stripped the sheets and cleaned up the cat mess, Kisa had just finished a nice mess of her own in her diaper. And thus, my day begins.

I had already pre-determined that today was going to be amazing, but I guess I need to communicate that plan to the rest of the world, because we don't seem to be on the same page.

In other- happy!- news, my friends and my dad are coming over tonight to help me do some baby proofing and pick up my house, and I am really grateful for their help. It will be a huge weight off my mind to know my bookcases aren't going to tip over on my child (sidenote: I am a highly imaginative, high-anxiety person, and as a parent this has been expressed by dreaming up ridiculous ways that my child might get severely maimed or killed. Terrible, I know, but a part of motherhood nonetheless. My nightmares for this week included choking on a chunk of hot dog at her birthday party, throwing herself out of her crib and sustaining a massive head injury, and falling off the zoo train. Keep in mind that it is only Tuesday morning. At least I can chuckle at my own insanity, right?). Also, I would be lying if I told you I have completed anything but the most basic housework in the last week. I scrubbed one tub and mopped our small kitchen floor. That's it. Other than that I have contented myself with the fact that there are usually not too many toys on the floor by the time everyone is in bed, and that, for the most part, we are all wearing clean(ish) clothes and our last shower or bath has taken place some time in the last 24-48 hours.

Anyway: I am off to tackle this glorious day. Probably starting with a cold shower since I used the hot water to wash our pee-sheets.

*Fine, I lied. It was Matt who wet the bed. I just didn't want to embarrass him.

Summer Birthday Fest 2010

2010-08-02T21:37:00.000-07:00

I am getting pretty excited for this weekend.

For those of you who DON'T know, this weekend will be my daughter's first birthday (and my 23rd) and we are having a huge BBQ in the park to celebrate us (and my birthday twins, Steph and Jason).

It is fun, as a parent, any time you are about to introduce your child to something that you KNOW they will love. This weekend Kisa will get to taste her first cake, open her first ever presents from Mommy and Daddy, and also get to go to the zoo for the first time.

Let it be known that Matt and I are not ones to spoil our child. We don't buy her presents. I think I have bought her a handful of things since she has been born, most of which were clothes and socks. So we only bought her two presents for her birthday, one from me and one from Matt. However, they are carefully selected gifts that I'm pretty sure she'll love, and I am excited to see her open them and play with them.

Also, chief among my excitements is the first zoo trip. I have been waiting for this day since she was born, and I hope she is finally old enough to enjoy it. She pretty much loves animals so I feel like this is probably a home run.

In other news, Matt and I recently found almost $100 in unclaimed gift cards from our wedding (oops), and I used one of them to buy myself this lovely birthday present:

I have been wanting a teapot since I got married. Turns out I could have had one all along, but I'm thinking God timed this so it would be a nice little pick-me-up after a week of nonstop parenting/caretaker-ing.

2010-07-29T07:22:00.000-07:00

I am feeling really blessed right now that my husband isn't going into surgery tonight. I was so anxious about that likelihood that I haven't been able to think straight for the last several days, and literally after our appointment yesterday I felt like a physical burden had been lifted off my body. Then every time I get too excited I have to remember that Matt is still facing a long and difficult road to recovery.

Matt's mom has terrible arthritis in her knees, which started in her early forties. I always knew there was a potential for Matt to get arthritis too, since it has a strong genetic link. Our doctor basically assured us of that yesterday, making a comment to the effect of "a total knee replacement will be in the cards for you, but don't worry about that because that's years from now".

I don't know, I can't hear something like that and not worry. Especially since it just doesn't seem like as far away as the doctor seems to think. Even when Matt is 50 I will still only be 46, which is just way too young to have limited mobility or be looking at a knee replacement. That's less than 25 years from now.

I suppose that is just my nature, to worry about things 20+ years down the road, but this injury has definitely been a wake up call in terms of thinking long-term about taking care of ourselves. I know my family has a high risk for diabetes, so I try to eat well and control my weight (except for the occasional giant marshmallow). I think maybe we will have to be diligent about caring for Matt's joints (especially knees) in the same way going forward.

Anyway, I put Kisa in her crib hoping she would go back to sleep and no such luck. I can hear her playing in there. Time to actually be a parent...

2010-07-26T22:32:00.001-07:00

I feel like this latest season of life has been a lot of trading one trial for another. I suppose that is a really pessimistic way of looking at things, but as I logged in to type this blog I was looking at the one below it. Less than a week ago I was so relieved to have finally cleared the hurdle of our latest sleep troubles, and here we are again smack dab in the middle of another Predicament. This is the detailed account of Matt's knee injury and what's going on with him. Not going to recount it because most of you know and if not, and you are reading this, then you are fully capable of clicking the link and seeing for yourself.

Anyway, I am someone who does well (generally speaking) under pressure. I can buckle down and get my nose to the grindstone and get things done. I'm not going to make any promises about being wonderful to be around while I'm workhorsing it up, but I do have a high capacity.

The thing about pressure is, it is usually short-lived, which is what makes that high capacity possible. I feel like most people could do pretty much anything for a finite time period. With this recent injury we are still unsure how long Matt will be bed/couch -ridden, but the general diagnosis has been 6+ weeks. That number just sounds so exhausting and the uncertainty of the + in there (we heard today it could be more like 8-10) is difficult to stomach. What IF it is more like 10 weeks? What if it's longer? We still don't know the full extent of what's wrong with him, so there is that question looming.

I have been vacillating the last couple of days between feeling super overwhelmed and then feeling borderline ridiculous for being such a mess. Because if you look at the facts, it just seems really weak for me to lose it over a couple of months of an alternate schedule. After all, there are single moms who do this PLUS work a job all the time, and I'm sure they don't have people offering to watch their kids or bring them meals constantly. Our family and friends have already been extremely helpful, and I'm sure they will continue to be so.

I think a lot of it is just emotional fallout from an intense weekend (Matt's injury, ethnos announcment, etc) and me trying to cope with that in the midst of everyday life sans husband/assistant. I am really feeling pretty anxious about the possibility (more like probability) that he will be having surgery, for a whole host of reasons I don't want to go into. Suffice it to say that although I want him to heal as quickly as possible, I would really love it if general anesthesia wasn't necessary.

On a happier note, Kisa has been a trooper yesterday and today. I wasn't able to be with her for most of the days both these days, and she was great for the grandparents and took naps well, as well as settling down much easier at bedtime the last two nights after readjusting to her home sleeptime schedule. Our new routine involves elmo before naps and bedtime, and that seems to do the trick for her. She watches until she is tired (usually 15-30 min), and then she can indicate when she wants to go to sleep. I am sure this won't work forever, but I am pretty happy to have discovered it for the time being- it gives me a chance to pick up the house and for her to wind down a little so that there is more of a transition from playtime to sleep time. I'm guessing when she gets a little older we can replace this with storytime (hasn't worked thus far), which is something I'm looking forward to as a parent.

It just struck me as I read over this post that Kisa is due for a check-up in the next couple of weeks. Sigh... adding that to my task list.

Sleep Troubles: an update

2010-07-16T16:18:00.000-07:00

Well, I am crossing my fingers as I type this (not literally, cause that would make it too hard to type) but it appears Kisa has gotten the hang of our new sleeptime routine and forgotten the trauma of a couple weeks ago. (See picture.)

I have been working on transitioning Kisa away from her morning nap. I was sad to see it go, because that was my morning exercise time, but the rest of her naps and her bedtime were suffering, so something had to be done.

After a couple of weeks of working on this new schedule, I am happy to announce that Kisa has returned to the days of not hating her crib with a passion. The past few days she has played happily in her crib until tiring herself out enough to fall asleep. She does this for afternoon nap time and even last night at bed time. She is still having a rough time with night waking, so we'll have to continue to work on that.

A bonus of eliminating the morning nap is that she is now sleeping in later most days, which I don't mind ONE BIT.

I am feeling thankful to have weathered this stretch of parenting (which I did NOT enjoy), and a little more confident and hopeful that I am moving in a direction that works for my child. I'm not exactly sure where to go from here to help her continue to improve her sleeping habits, but I have some ideas and things I'd like to try.

I have more updates to post (things that aren't baby-related), but those will have to wait for another day!

2010-07-12T23:54:00.000-07:00

You know what I really hate? Unsolicited advice. And boy, you sure do get a lot of it as a parent. It seems like from the second that baby bump starts to show there are people crawling out of the woodwork telling you how to do this or that. I can only hope that this gets better with the second child (if we have one). I would think that at some point people must assume you at least somewhat know what you are doing.

Recently, Matt and I were at Target when we heard a kid a few aisles away having a total meltdown. The mother, clearly at the end of her rope, was hissing (as discreetly as possible but through gritted teeth) something along the lines of, "Stop it. RIGHT NOW. Or you will get a spanking."

Then, from across the aisle, another woman, without children, has the GALL to shout (loud enough for everyone to hear and with a full measure of sarcasm): "Yeah! Intimidation. That'll make the kid stop crying."

I cocked my head and turned to look at her, slack-jawed, then looked back at Matt and said (not quietly, since we're obviously past basic politeness at this point) "Umm, did that really just happen? Who the hell does she think she is?"

Apparently, Target is the place for parenting confrontations too, since a friend of mine told me that on a recent trip there a woman got up in her face with "It's called a child leash-- get one" in reference to her adorable (albeit spirited) 18-month-old daughter.

Now, I understand that when it comes to parenting, we all have our opinions, and they are strong ones. And I do my fair share of actually soliciting advice, because I KNOW there are moms and dads out there who have been where I am and have some good answers to my questions. However, the lady in the grocery store who disapproves a little too loudly of my daughter's pacifier or the acquaintance who raises their eyebrow when you mention co-sleeping... these I could do without.

As I get older and accumulate more life experience, I am finding myself biting my tongue (or kicking myself afterward... if the tongue-biting didn't work) often, catching myself dumping some unsolicited advice on others. Usually, the others are my siblings, or really anyone who roams into my sphere of influence and seems not to have encountered the same obstacles in life that I have. I'm trying to remember, every time I catch myself doing this, how much it makes my blood boil when someone does it to me.

(If you're wondering why I'm blogging at midnight, it's because I can't sleep... which I blame on an overabundance of sleep the past few days, a problem I haven't had in God knows how long, but am unceasingly grateful for right now.)

EDIT: Something I meant to add when I published this post, but forgot, is this: I am also working on explaining myself and my actions to others. And by that I mean not doing it. When someone questions my parenting choices, I feel the need to defend or explain. Why? I am confident in the choices I have made for my family, and no one really needs to understand them but me, Matt, and (hopefully, but not necessarily) Kisa. So when someone criticizes something that I do differently, I am trying to fight back the urge to explain myself, because 1) it perpetuates the cycle of forcing opinions on others and 2) it communicates that I am unsure or that I appreciate the intrusion, which I do not!

Almost every day of my life I feel like I add something to my list of "what not to do to others". As time goes by I am learning how to be a better wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend, and (someday) aunt, grandma, and mother-in-law. Hopes I remember this stuff when I get there!

2010-07-11T13:54:00.000-07:00

We have had (are having) an incredible weekend.

Yesterday, after sleeping in until 9:15 (thanks Kisa!) we walked Kisa up to the Beaverton Library fountain for one of her first kid-centric excursions. She hated the fountain, but Matt and I had a pretty good time cooling ourselves off and watching the other kids going nuts. We had forgotten about the farmer's market, so we walked through all the booths, picked up some lunch and some fresh raspberries and plenty of free samples. It was a nice surprise and a relaxing summer morning, and when we got home Kisa passed out. The only downside was that in my flurry to pack up all the baby gear, dress and sunscreen the kid, etc. I forgot to wear sunscreen myself. Ouch :(

Yesterday afternoon we took Kisa to my parents' for an overnight and Matt and I picked up some Thai food and finished off the day with take-out, Lost, and some mixed drinks. We stayed up late and turned the volume way, way up on our TV. I'm sure it doesn't sound exciting to most of you non-parents, but it was awesome.

This morning we slept in again until 9:15. It is crazy how after a couple of nights of really great sleep, my morning coffee seemed not only optional, but almost unnecessary. I can't stress how dependent I am on caffeine on a day-to-day basis. A couple of days these past weeks I have had THREE cups of coffee in one day... so it was weird to actually feel well-rested and cheerful this morning. I cleaned my whole house (showers, toilets, the whole nine) and spent 30 minutes doing my hair. (side note: last time I got my hair cut, I told my hairdresser that I am a mom to an infant and that I needed something that would be simple. She gave me an amazing haircut that requires 30 MINUTES worth of primping to look good. Who has 30 minutes to spend on their hair every day? [Don't answer that- I will hate you])

I am alittlebitkindof missing Kisa right now, but more excited to zip in and out of the grocery store with Matt, which is about ten BILLION times easier than carrying in a baby and all her paraphernalia (had to look up how to spell that), and trying to intercept all the items she somehow gets a hold of and tosses into the cart, or on the floor, or what have you.

Anyway, I'm out... not gonna waste another second of my free time blogging. :)

2010-07-07T14:59:00.001-07:00

I have good news to report!

Kisa is currently napping- IN HER CRIB- where she has been for about an hour now without waking up and throwing a tantrum. Hope?

Of course this is 99.99% due to the fact that I have to be somewhere right this minute, which for kids is the PRIME TIME to take a nice, solid, 12-hour nap.

Joys of Parenting

2010-07-01T19:50:00.000-07:00

Whew. Today was my worst day of parenting in... well, forever. Or at least in the last 6 months. I can't rightly say because I don't really remember my first couple of months as a parent.

It all started a couple of days ago when we decided to try a "cry it out" method to hopefully help Kisa sleep better. She has never been a great sleeper, but she has been worse lately and by about 3 am every night (without fail) she ends up in our bed. It is around that time of night/early morning that I lose my resolve (and the concentration required to make good parenting choices). Thus the co-sleeping, which is not something that works.

It's not like she cries all night until 3 or anything like that. Actually, she sleeps well but usually wakes up once or twice. It just so happens that the one time she wakes up is in the middle of my deepest sleep cycle, and I cannot rouse myself to rock her back to sleep (or whatever it is she requires). I now think that this sudden bout of fussiness has to do with another possible tooth coming in, but we did not know this when we embarked on the following Ill-Fated Plan.

We have tried cry-it-out (henceforth referred to as CIO for all you non-parents) before but it has not been successful. I have blamed the majority of this on us for not being able to be consistent with it, but I think as a parent you can get a gut sense for when something isn't working for your kid, and maybe that is why we've had such a hard time sticking with it. That, and it is excruciating to listen to a baby scream for an hour. Or more.

So, we decided we would try this in the hopes that it would yield the promised results (your baby can sleep all night, they go to bed in their crib alone, they will be much happier and everyone will sleep better). NO SUCH LUCK. On Monday night, Kisa screamed for 90+ minutes before we gave in. And I mean SCREAMED. She screamed herself hoarse, she screamed until she threw up. She threw herself around in her crib. It was terrible.

On Tuesday night we went out for our anniversary and my parents watched her. They did not do CIO with her- smart move on their part.

Last night, Kisa cried for FOUR HOURS at bed time. I did not even know this was possible for a person to do-- and yes, this was with us going in to comfort her every 10 minutes. She would occasionally fall asleep for a minute or two only to wake up screaming her head off and starting the whole thing over again. We finally gave in around midnight when we simply couldn't take it anymore and didn't see an end in sight.

I decided that perhaps I would have more luck during the day. Kisa has been a notoriously great napper, and I rarely (if ever) have trouble putting her down for naps. She sleeps 3 hours a day, no problem.

Well. This morning I put her into her crib at 9 for her morning crib time/nap. She usually sleeps for 90 minutes in the morning. She screamed the whole time. I kept hoping she would settle down and sleep, but no. Let me tell you, I was sure thankful she had missed her morning nap when I later had to take her to the grocery store. I have never had such a terrible time running a simple errand. She fussed the whole time, tried to bang her head into the side of the shopping cart (her new tactic for getting out of situations that she does not like- she is too smart for her own good. Although I suppose she won't be for long if she continues with that behavior).

Oh well, afternoon nap should be much easier, right? WRONG. She screamed for another hour until I just gave up on naps altogether. I was so exhausted that I just let her sit in her swing watching Elmo until Matt came home.

I have never seen or experienced anything like what happened with Kisa today. She is usually so mellow, but this whole thing just proved to me that one-size-fits-all parenting straight up does NOT work. I truly believe that many, or most, other parents have had success with CIO, but I can now say with 100% certainty that it will not work for Kisa no matter how long we try. That kid is stubborn as a mule.

Matt is at band practice tonight, and I communicated to him that I was giving up on the Plan and sticking with what has been (mostly) working instead. I think Kisa will sleep through the night on her own eventually, but I think we will have a longer road to that milestone with this particular girl. I am okay with that. First and foremost I want to do what is best for my daughter, and sticking with a crazy sleeping plan that involves 8+ hours of crying in a day is NOT it. I will rock her 4 hours a day if I have to instead.

Anyway, guess what? Just put my daughter to bed and after rocking her for ONE MINUTE she is out cold. I will admit a small portion of that has to do with her being completely exhausted from her earlier shenanigans, but still. ONE MINUTE vs FOURS HOURS of crying (and still no sleep). Guess what wins?

You gotta love parenting. I'm glad today is over... hopefully tomorrow will be fantastic.

#3a- Ecco Base Update

2010-06-18T21:07:00.001-07:00

So I have neither the time nor the energy to post a FULL update on my business right now, but I'll take it in chunks so it seems like a less daunting task.

Where to start? The last couple of weeks have been packed full of work. I had a retailer in NE Portland show some interest in my stuff and spent several days whipping up some merch for her. In the end I went to visit her shop and decided maybe I should look around for a better location before settling on selling there. It's not a bad shop by any means, just a little out of the way and for the commission I'd be paying her I want to have my stuff in a more prominent location. So right now I have a ton of gear on my hands that I need to get rid of!

I have realized that, when it comes to business, I lack neither the creativity nor the work ethic, but sometimes I lack the faith that this may actually become successful/profitable. I am still very early in this game, and actually I have had some killer opportunities crop up the past couple of weeks (which I will get into in a later post). Regardless, I am almost constantly doubting myself. I'm having to work on keeping a positive attitude and counting my successes. I'm also just beginning to understand the massive amount of work I am getting myself into. I feel like perhaps I was running blindly into a massive ocean thinking it was a kiddie pool.

Anyway, if that sounds depressing/depressed to you, don't worry. I am not depressed. I am exhausted today (I spent most of the day working at a street fair downtown), but I am also feeling pretty good about where I'm at when it comes to my business. The more opportunities I find, the more I learn. I'm beginning to shape a better vision for marketing, advertising, sales etc. I'm starting to network with the Portland art community, and I have a small army of people who seem to be crawling out of the woodwork offering me suggestions on where to sell or who to contact or something. So that has been helpful.

I desperately need to update my website, and I'd love to write a better update about some of the stuff I have going on, but for now I'm going to call it a day, and just post a couple of pictures of some of the new stuff I've made... and there will be more to come in the next couple of days.

A new floral applique bag- I call this color scheme "beach"
This is a reusable grocery bag very similar to the one I made for Ang.

"I <3 Planet Earth" handbag- beach, with "ecco base" screen printed liner- very cute (I think), this is one of my faves. :)

Same design, but this one is a reusable grocery bag

That's all for now! Keep your eyes peeled for more updates.

#2: Binder Microfiling

2010-06-15T09:17:00.001-07:00

As promised, my nerd blog of the month.

I consider myself to be a fairly organized person. That's not to say there aren't spaces in my house that make me want to scream/cry (our kitchen junk drawer and way-too-small closet spaces come to mind), but I do like to organize and I'm always trying to make the most of the space we DO have.

One of the issues we have come across is where to keep all of our files. Medical bills, tax documents, etc. Since our "office" has been relegated to one tiny armoire in our living room (which houses computer, printer, games AND files) we don't have a lot of space to work with, and on top of our personal files, I also have to keep track of all the Ethnos paperwork (and there is a LOT of that).

One thing I have learned to utilize while living in a small place is our wall space. We have at least one bookcase in every room of our house, which is where we store pretty much everything. And lately I have been working on a system that allows me to store all of our paperwork on the bookcases too. It satisfies my urge to have everything look put together (color-coordinated binders anyone? and yes, they match the rest of the decor) and I also prefer it to file folders.

Three-hole-punching everything would be too much of a pain in the butt (although I have done this before), so I'm just using sheet protectors, which also allows me to keep like items together (ex. an insurance statement, the corresponding bill, and a copy of the paid check in one sleeve).

Another bonus to this (especially for Ethnos) is that the system is highly portable, which is a giant plus considering we don't have an official "office" and it makes it virtually impossible for our files to get messed up. Unless someone were to open the rings of the binder and shake it everywhere. In which case my head might explode.

Anyway Kristin, I hope you enjoyed this. Since you are the only one who read it. And possibly Matt, who is getting ready to comment: "That's nice, but a better way to do it would be to scan everything and keep it on your computer."

#1: Kisa Camille: 10 months

2010-06-10T14:41:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday Kisa turned 10 months old. Matt has been blogging about all the big milestones of her life so far (3-6-9), so I'm choosing to blog about all the everyday stuff instead.

These last few weeks have been fun for me because Kisa is really learning to communicate at a rapid rate, and beginning to initiate games or ask for things she wants. The only word I have heard her use so far is "Dada". Otherwise, most of her verbal skills are just babbles. This kid is a master of nonverbal communication, though. She knows that "no", "nope", and "don't" all mean essentially the same thing, and she will respond to these words with an emphatic shake of the head. She'll also shake her head to tell me no sometimes (which I'm not as wild about).

As I mentioned in an earlier post, she has also discovered how to point, which has been a huge help. During a meal she can choose one dish over another, ask for more, or ask for milk (I have even had her point to an empty bottle on the shelf to ask me to make her a bottle). This is really nice after 10 months of blind guessing.

One of her favorite things lately is to play "chase", which consists of her crawling and then looking repeatedly over her shoulder to make sure you're following her. This usually ends with her getting so excited that she forgets to crawl and just sits there giggling. You can also initiate this game with her by telling her that you're going to "get" her, and she'll crawl about two feet before dissolving into said giggles.

She just cut tooth #2 on Tuesday, and that will hopefully bring to an end a couple of weeks of horrible sleep. Fingers crossed on that one. Teething sucks.

One of my favorite things about Kisa is how chill she is most of the time. Every morning we wake up, eat breakfast, play together for a bit, and then she listens to music in her crib for at least an hour, followed by a two or three hour nap. No joke. You can do the math on that one but I seriously have almost the entire morning to myself (which is usually my workday).

I try to play different kinds of music for her since she is enthralled by the different instruments and styles. For some reason she has a particular passion for dance and jazz (I'm going to throw out a wild guess that it has something to do with the percussion) but really anything with a good beat will get her pretty excited. She LOVES to listen to music and will literally sit through an entire album while just chillin' in her crib. Pretty much every time we walk into the nursery she asks me for two things right off the bat: 1) to turn on the fan, 2) to turn on the music.

Anyway... that is all I've got for now, but I'm sure she'll be doing something new and awesome by tomorrow. I'll keep ya'll posted.

2010-06-10T07:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been so busy lately that I literally have not even had time to blog, which, of course, is when I have the most to blog about, so I've had topics queuing in my brain for the past few days. This is kind of like a blogging to-do list. Which I know is lame, but if I don't commit to it I will never get to it. And yes I meant to rhyme that. :)

Upcoming blogs to look for:
-10 month update on Kisa
-Binder Microfiling (yes, really... it will enjoyable to the one person that reads it ::cough:: Kristin ::cough::)
-Ecco Base update
-Jobs/finances

Coming soon! AKA when Kisa takes a nap!

And now a word from my sponsor:
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2010-06-04T15:19:00.000-07:00

There is really nothing in the world quite like watching your kid learn how to communicate. Today as I was getting Kisa her snack, she started shaking her head, then pointed (rather insistently, might I add) at her favorite snack instead. Jeez, mom, how >dare you feed me a cracker when what I want is a cheese puff!

Last night, when we were getting ready to put her down, we walked into her room and she started dancing, even though there was no music playing. I started laughing at her, until I realized she was pointing at her cd player and asking us to turn it on for her so that she could dance.

Mr. and Mrs. Bergren

2010-05-31T07:20:00.000-07:00

Well, it's done. It's been a long and emotional weekend but Mitch and Ashley are married!

2010-05-25T09:52:00.000-07:00

Matt has been teaching Kisa a new skill: the high five. She is becoming quite adept. Yesterday I gestured too widely while speaking and she snuck one in. Pretty cute.

Hartzell Pride

2010-05-24T09:08:00.001-07:00

Whew. Nap time (aka my one free hour of the day and the only chance I get to blog) is now mostly devoted to my morning workout, which is a really positive thing, but my blog may be taking a hit as a result.

So, we had a full weekend as predicted, though I unfortunately missed out on my friend's bridal shower on Sunday. I was just too tired after the bachelorette party. I pretty much had my "mom hat" on that whole evening (mom jeans? I don't know-- the point is, I was being a mom) and was focused on trying to make sure no creepy guys messed with any of the girls or that no one wandered out into the street in front of oncoming traffic. At one point I actually implemented the buddy system. Sigh. I am getting old.

The kicker was when I found myself in a trendy Pearl District bar sipping some ice water and showing one of the other girls pictures of Kisa on my cell phone. Yep. I am THAT PARENT.

Anyway, all joking aside, I was really glad I was there. I have been thinking quite a bit in anticipation of Mitch and Ashley's wedding this upcoming weekend. When I was single, I thought a lot about the husband that I would someday marry, but I don't know how often I thought about the family I might marry into. Or if I did, I thought about what my mother- and father-in-law might be like, and not about potential siblings.

I have to say that I lucked out with the Hartzells. Sure, we have our drama like any family, but I really do love them (and like them- most of the time). I feel especially lucky that I got another sister in the mix, and as time goes by, she is starting to feel more and more like a real sister.

Probably the most exciting thing about this upcoming weekend is OFFICIALLY welcoming Mitch into the family (although technically we are getting rid of Ashley... I prefer to see it differently). I genuinely like and respect my soon-to-be brother. He is so good to Ashley and to Matt's parents. I have watched the way he has taken care of Ashley and it makes me very proud... (now if only my other sister would find someone like that! and stick with him).

Anyway, not to gush, I am just very excited about watching God add to my family. An unexpected perk of marriage (if you're lucky). Who knew.

2010-05-19T10:04:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been a busy few days for me, and the next couple of weeks will be very busy as well!

The women's retreat was awesome, and somewhat relaxing despite toting along my nine-month old and committing to teaching. It was a good chance for me to get to know some of the women of Ethnos better. The last day we were there we each wrote compliments to every other person, then Brenda compiled them and read them aloud. I feel like I missed a lot of mine, but one person said that they appreciated the effort I put into forming relationships with the other women. I know that whoever said that knows me well because they understand that is something that is a struggle for me and that I have had to work hard at. So that made me feel both known and appreciated.

Yesterday was a full day as Kisa and I joined my parents, brother and Megan at ACMA in the morning to hear Becca recite her Capstone. This was literally an hourlong presentation of her life story (as told by her). It was fascinating to watch as she was very raw with the details. It is always intriguing to hear a situation recounted from someone else's perspective. I hoped that hearing her presentation would help me better understand my sister (she is one of the most complicated people I have ever met). Instead, it gave me a deeper appreciation for the complex person God made her to be and for her own process of growing up and discovering herself. If there's any one thing that I took from it, it's that my sister is still in the middle of a journey of self-discovery. I remember that phase of life as it was not too long ago for me (not that I have myself all figured out at age 22 either).

After the presentation, my mom helped me to hem my dress for Ashley's wedding, and I repaid her by highlighting her hair.

The next few days will probably be full of wedding prep. I'm going shopping for a rehearsal dinner dress today, and I still need to get shoes for the wedding. This weekend is the bachelorette party (I'm DD) and I have another bridal shower to go to for a friend from high school.

Next weekend is literally wedding/family commitments from Friday morning to Sunday night. I'm excited for my sister (from another mister), but phew! It's going to be a busy busy week for everybody.

This is a busy season of life for us... one sister getting married and another graduating from high school, an active baby girl, plus all kinds of friends with weddings and babies left and right.

And not to further scatter this already scattered blog post (I did not have my morning coffee and IT SHOWS) but Matt and I will be celebrating our 2nd anniversary in a little over a month! Weird! Where did all the time go?

2 Things:

2010-05-17T09:14:00.000-07:00

1) Last night we took advantage of the warm weather to begin weaning Kisa off of being swaddled. She did surprisingly well considering how painful it has been the last two times we made attempts. Of course she slept with us and flopped all over us all night long, but it is just the beginning of a process, so we'll get there.

2) I have talked to a lot of people about the exercise programs they have been doing lately. A lot of them are doing P90X (which sounds great but I really think it may be overkill for my motivation level) and a lot are doing the 30-day shred. I think I'm going to try this 30-day shred deal. See how it goes.

I put Kisa down for her morning nap and she is currently playing and singing to herself in her crib. Sooooo... we'll see if she can maybe sing herself to sleep without being swaddled?

2010-05-12T09:24:00.000-07:00

I don't think I really understand the concept of twitter. I don't mean, "I don't get why people use it," I mean, I don't get how it works???

Kinda feel like my grandma right now. The one who told me her computer was too old for facebook.

amateur textile design

2010-05-11T10:29:00.001-07:00

So, I did a little research and found out how to do at-home screen printing. It's very cheap and easier than I thought. I took pictures but not of the same screen, so this is a hodge-podge of images from a couple projects.

To make your own screen-print, you need some sheer fabric (organza is perfect), a picture frame (with the glass), a bottle of modge podge, a paintbrush, tape, and a hot glue gun.

So, step one is to find your image. Tape that to one side of the piece of glass, and tape the fabric to the other side. You have to have a piece of fabric that is bigger than your picture frame so you have space to glue it to the frame later.

Okay, according to the directions I read, you're then supposed to trace your image on to the fabric. However, this is complicated and not really very helpful. So if your image and your fabric are both secure, you can just start making the print. The second time I did this, I taped the whole apparatus down on my counter using duct tape, and that made the whole thing easier.

Step two is to to start making the actual screen. What you want to do is, using your modge podge and a paintbrush, paint around everything that you DON'T WANT to show on your final print. Since you are painting on top of the glass, your fabric will stick to the glass and hold itself in place.

After the glue is completely dry, pull the fabric away from the glass. You may need to do some touch ups, but your screen is ready for printing.

Use hot glue (or staples) to attach your screen to the picture frame (you don't need the glass for this part). Now, you can paint over the screen, and your image will show up on the fabric (or paper) underneath!

That last picture is a test print I did of a textile pattern that I designed. Planning on using that to line my reusable grocery bags. :)

2010-05-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

I have a lot to say but very little time (I'm guessing- Kisa is currently napping) to blog, so I will try to keep it short.

First, I had a great mother's day yesterday (and kind of on Saturday too). Matt cooked me breakfast and then we went downtown and had a picnic at Waterfront Park. The weather was beautiful and Kisa got to crawl around on the grass for the first time in her little life. She was well-behaved the whole day (not that she often isn't), and overall it was just a fun adventure with the fam.

Second, I made a ton of sales this week. Mostly to family members, but that is okay with me. I am trying to do some research on ways to promote my business because I think my problem with online sales is not getting enough traffic to my site. I've been watching my page views and I've only had a few new ones this week.

Third, I've created a new product! I made my first reusable grocery bag (thanks Ashby for the suggestion). I think it is pretty cute... in fact, I'll probably be making myself one in the near future. The thing that I am most excited about is actually the lining fabric, which I screen-printed with my own custom design featuring my logo. It came out exactly the way I wanted it to look. I told Matt that even if I had gotten it custom printed it could not have looked better-- I like the handmade/imperfection feel of it. Anyway, this one has already been sold but I'll be making more and I'll post pics of that and of the general screenprinting process (turned out to be much easier than I had imagined).

Fourth(ly)... I gave myself a great Mother's Day gift in honor of my daughter's ninth month of life, and that was seeing my pre-pregnancy weight on the scale this past week! Unfortunately I promptly gained some back due to the multiple Mother's Day Feasts, but I have not yet given up on my diet and plan to lose a few more pounds in the coming weeks. This is the second goal I have attained in my weight-loss/fitness journey. The goals help me stay motivated and track my progress. These are the ones I have set (some reached, some still to be attained):
1. Get weight back into the 120's/comfortably wear a size 4 (reached that one a while ago)
2. Back to pre-pregnancy weight by Ashley's wedding/fit into my bridesmaids' dress (whoops-I ordered a size too small. Anyway, my dress now fits, thank God!)
3. Wedding weight by my 2nd anniversary (121lbs by June 28th- I made this promise to Matt last year for our anniversary and would really like to reach this goal as a gift to both of us by this year. Shouldn't be a problem)
4. 117lbs/swimsuit body by my birthday. This is more of a fitness goal than a weight loss one. I have been working on my problem areas (basically the abs are the main offenders). This number represents the ideal weight for my height. I'm not tied to the number itself but rather the concept of peak physical condition, so that's really the goal, regardless of the # I end up with on the scale.

Anyway, I know to a lot of people this whole journey may sound a bit shallow, but to me it is about taking care of myself and being the best ME I can be. I have blogged about this before but I believe very strongly that maintaining your health is an important part of life AND an important part of marriage. Matt and I had a serious conversation about this before we got married, and made a commitment to each other to take care of our health and our bodies.

I have been considering this whole thing carefully in the last few weeks, trying to think very intentionally about what I communicate to my daughter about body image, diet and exercise. Now that I am responsible for parenting a girl (who will someday grow up to be a woman with body image issues of her own) I have to be very careful about what I teach her, either by my words or by my actions. I hope to model a lifetime of healthy eating habits and exercise, but not constant diets or insecurities. I want her to know that if she takes care of her body the best that she can then her shape isn't what's important. This is hard to do since we all struggle... and obviously there are some times when diets are necessary (like after you have a baby). But I hope to get to a healthy place for me, and then stay there. And hopefully by doing that I will be a good role model for my daughter.

Anyway... I had more to write but I have already spent too much of nap time blogging and now I will likely not have time to clean my kitchen. :) whoops.

Quick Poll:

2010-05-05T10:20:00.001-07:00

Which is more annoying?:

A) Accounting programs that make life more difficult instead of easier OR
B) People who owe you money and refuse to pay you/communicate with you/acknowledge your existence OR
C) Taking your cat who has panic attacks in the car on a 45 minute (round trip) ride to the vet?

I am not feeling particularly cheerful today.

2010-05-01T08:39:00.001-07:00

I think I am going to start some amateur screen-printing. It seems like that would really streamline my production process, and would be easier to pull off than creating my own stamp...

I kind of want to create my own textile, but I've been looking around and that is going to be way too expensive at this point.

Website

2010-04-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

My website is up and running and I just (this morning) finished listing all of my merchandise, so you can browse my purses and shop for me online!

eccobase.etsy.com

Also, just as I was getting ready to post this link, I got an email from someone in Taiwan who'd like to buy purses in bulk and sell them overseas! Crazy! We'll see what happens...

2010-04-23T09:21:00.000-07:00

I went through my facebook "friends" list and "hid" status updates from people who do the following:

1) Post constantly about what they are drinking, how much they are drinking, and/or how cool they are for drinking

2) Whine constantly about their failing relationships/friendship drama

3) Consistently use vague, emo-sounding song lyrics and/or poetry quotes as status updates

4) Post complaints of any kind more than five times per week

The end result being that I am now following about five people, and I don't really need to be following these people on Facebook because I actually see them in real life.

2010-04-23T08:54:00.000-07:00

I feel bad for my family members... Matt commented to me last night that he felt "like death" and Kisa's eyes/nose/mouth look like Niagara Falls. :( Thank God for Nyquil and Baby Tylenol/Orajel, respectively.

I pretty much had to hold Kisa all night last night to get her to sleep. I can't tell if it is her tooth or her cold that is bothering her... but she was one unhappy little girl, and that is unlike her. Once she fell asleep she snored all night, which was kind of cute but also kind of annoying.

I feel pretty tired and sore this morning. I'm not sure if it's because I'm sick too or just because trying to sleep while holding an infant will yield such results.

Looking forward to nap time today.

Choke

2010-04-21T18:36:00.001-07:00

I made the following baby foods today:

-Peas
-Mango
-Cantaloupe
-Blueberries
-Cherries
-Yellow Squash
-Potato
-White Grapes
-Lentils

Plus, I learned how to make my own blueberry juice.

It is really an exhausting process, but I prefer to do it all at once, and I think this may be the last time I have to do it... Kisa is getting to the age where she will start eating Real People Food very soon.

She would probably already be eating less pureed food if it weren't for the alarming number of choking incidents. On Sunday she choked on her dinner and after securing her safety I had a complete mental breakdown and sobbed in the bedroom for about 5 minutes. I realize that choking occasionally is a common and inevitable part of childhood, but it is REALLY disturbing watching your child struggle for air. I would go to extreme lengths to prevent this from happening again (for example, I spent over an hour today peeling a bunch of grapes because they are a common choking hazard and I just didn't want to take the chance... extremely tedious!).

I know that regardless of my best efforts to protect her, this stuff will STILL happen... which is the absolute WORST part of being a parent. :(

P.S. I know the heimlich, baby heimlich, and infant CPR. Should I ever need it.

2010-04-20T09:48:00.000-07:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA:

It's so pathetic. If there were a thought bubble over her head, it would probably say, "Mommy, why am I in this cage?"

2010-04-19T08:53:00.001-07:00

I had an amazing night of sleep last night. Definitely the best night I've had in 8 months... probably the best night in over a year (you kind of forget about third-trimester insomnia). Kisa is sleeping better every night, and I only had to get up once last night (and it was just a quick trip in and out of her room- less than two minutes). Soooo amazing. Also, she has started sleeping in later and later. When I weaned her off her early morning feeding, she had started rising at 5:30 or 6, which was pretty annoying. Today she slept in until 8! I haven't slept that late in months! It was so nice.

As for myself, I have had a very busy week celebrating two family birthdays and attempting to put 8 hrs/day into my business (Matt will testify that I have almost undoubtedly accomplished this). I have no less than seven bags that are just waiting on final stitches and paint/appliques, as well as two custom orders to get working on. I am making a goal for myself to get my etsy up and functioning by Wednesday (sorry Kristin.. there is just nothing to look at yet. I will give you the URL later this week!).

This past week was an experiment in streamlining my production process. I cut a pattern and fine-tuned a few methods, which made a huge difference in terms of quality, consistency and efficiency. It's also helped me to know exactly how much fabric I need for each piece, which means very little waste, also a huge plus.

I made almost $70 in sales this past week, a very energizing accomplishment for what was really my first week. It's very motivating- even $70 represents a good deal of material I can buy!

2010-04-14T07:08:00.000-07:00

I am having a great week.

First of all, I have put a TON of time into my new business over the last few days, and I am starting to get some finished pieces. I sold my first piece over the weekend (to my mom... but still! It was exciting!) and I've finished two more since then, and will probably finish two or three more today. I've had a few people say they would buy from me already. I signed up for an etsy/paypal account this morning and pretty soon I will be able to snap some pics and actually list some merchandise! That will be incredible. :)

Secondly, over the past few days Kisa has made some great strides toward sleeping through the night. She is now officially night-weaned, which means no more 4 am feedings, and there is a potential for her to sleep all night long. She has not gotten there quite yet (our next step will be to transition away from swaddling), but I have been sleeping a bit better and I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Yesterday Matt and I were able to complete our taxes (I know it was really late, but it is not my fault that it was last minute-- we had to wait on forms from RezDex for several months). I am excited about getting a "payday" from the government. We have talked about potentially paying off one of our mini-debts, which would be fantastic... we'll see what happens there.

And finally, as noted in my previous post, my diet has so far been very successful. Last night I saw a number 2 as the second number on the scale, yay!

So there is a lot to be happy about today. :)

diet update

2010-04-12T16:29:00.000-07:00

5 lbs lost so far.

My goal for this week is to get back into the upper 120's (I am very very close), which will be a first since December '08. :)

My new favorite children's book

2010-04-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

(Thanks Grandma Fortune)

On the Night You Were Born
by Nancy Tillman

On the night you were born, the moon smiled with such wonder that the stars peeked in to see you and the night wind whispered, "Life will never be the same."

Because there had never been anyone like you... ever in the world.

So enchanted with you were the wind and the rain that they whispered the sound of your wonderful name.

You are the one and only ever you.

It sailed through the farmland high on the breeze...

Who in the world is exactly like you?

Over the ocean...

You are a miracle!

And through the trees...

Until everyone heard it and everyone knew of the one and only ever you.

Not once had there been such eyes, such a nose, such silly, wiggly, wonderful toes.

When the polar bears heard, they danced until dawn.

From faraway places, the geese flew home.

The moon stayed up until morning next day.

And none of the ladybugs flew away.

So whenever you doubt just how special you are and you wonder who loves you, how much and how far, listen for geese honking high in the sky (They're singing a song to remember you by). Or notice the bears asleep at the zoo. (It's because they've been dancing all night for you!) Or drift off to sleep to the sound of the wind. (Listen closely... it's whispering your name again!)

If the moon stays up until morning one day, or a ladybug lands and decides to stay, or a little bird sits at your window awhile, it's because they're all hoping to see you smile...

For never before in story or rhyme (not even once upon a time) has the world ever known a you, my friend, and it never will, not ever again...

Heaven blew every trumpet and played every horn on the wonderful, marvelous night you were born.

---
"For you are fearfully and wonderfully made..." Psalm 139
---

Babyproof!

2010-04-06T14:00:00.001-07:00

In the last couple of weeks, as Kisa has started to crawl, I have felt a growing urgency to remove every single object from our living room as I have caught her getting into (among other things) catnip, video games, power cords, and chunks of old baby food stuck to our kitchen floor.

When it comes to the subject of babyproofing, I have received all kinds of advice, from "remove all items but toys from your living room" to "don't change a thing, they need to learn how to live in the world". While I appreciate all the advice, I find both "camps" to be a little too extreme for my liking. While I have no immediate desire to turn my home into an Ode to Baby, I also think it is rather unfair to expect Kisa to immediately adapt to all of our desires. After all, there are three people living in this home, and my feeling is that we all have a right to live in a space that we find comfortable, beautiful and most of all: safe. Our bedrooms should be a place just for us, but the common rooms should be a compromise. Which means, at least temporarily, some minor changes need to be made to accommodate our curious (and surprisingly mobile) 8-month-old.

I spent the better part of today crawling around our living and dining room trying to assess possible dangers (Kisa has already done a GREAT job of finding most of them for me). I have a few items on my to-do list, but in general I think I have identified and solved most of the immediate concerns in our main living space.

The biggest thing for me is going to be trying to keep our floors as clean as possible. In a relatively short period of time Kisa went from sitting happily on her blanket to rolling/crawling all over the place, and it has been a reminder of my failure to clean as well as I should. Matt and I are pretty neat people, and we like to keep our place tidy, but as far as cleanliness goes, it has taken a real nosedive since Kisa was born. Soooo I'm going to have to add sweeping, mopping and vacuuming back to my list of regular tasks. I'm no germophobe (my parents are laughing right now if they are reading this), but I can't describe to you how disgusting it is to see your baby trying to lick up old, dried food that has been stuck under the high chair from the night before.

Anyway, one of my current goals as a parent is to try to let Kisa explore her world as completely as possible. I don't want to always be telling her no, or taking things from her, or taking her away from an object she is exploring. As long as she is safe, I want to be able to support her learning about the world she lives in. Which is why I have decided to (at least partially) do some babyproofing- so that I can be confident that our house is an okay place for her to explore without, you know, contracting some sick disease from her leftover squash.

2010-04-05T11:32:00.001-07:00

I think I love Helen Mirren. When I grow up I would like to be some sort of Helen Mirren/Meryl Streep/Martha Stewart combo. Which, in my mind, means classy and sophisticated, old-lady chic, plus I'd be able to bake a killer cake and host a flawless Thanksgiving feast. And I'd be funny too.

2010-04-04T08:00:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad it's finally Easter! I love Easter. Matt is playing in Vancouver this morning, so Kisa and I are biding our time until he comes home for brunch. I am thinking about how different this holiday will be next year- Kisa will be 20 months and we can have our first ever Easter egg hunt!

Also, hooray for Stations of the Cross being over. Phew. Now I can get back to working on those purses, and in general just not wake up with a full checklist of items every morning. :)

2010-03-31T14:23:00.000-07:00

Wow, so, as much as I am a fan of Weight Watchers I have become uber broke after becoming a mommy and weight loss programs were one of the luxuries Matt and I cut from our budget.

I was pretty bummed, because I love Weight Watchers. I believe in their program, have seen it work for dozens of people, and have made it work myself. It has taught me how to make good decisions about what I eat, and I'm pretty sure that if it wasn't for that whole having-a-baby thing I would probably still be at my goal weight. Alas, the sacrifices we make for our kiddos (whether voluntary or forced). Sigh.

Anyway, I decided I would do my best to use what I know to follow the program on my own, which isn't ideal, but I figured I could make it work. And you would not BELIEVE the plethora of weight watchers stuff that is just out there on the web free for the taking! I found the formula they use to calculate your points allotment (I already knew mine), I found the formula used to calculate points from a food... there are websites devoted to points values in restaurants and so forth. I still have some of my materials from when I did the program before my wedding, so I've been using that (which you can probably buy on ebay).

One feature I really did like about Weight Watchers online was that they had an app that let you calculate the points values in your recipes. Well, I just found a free website that does the same thing! It calculates all the nutritional info and then I can convert it to points values. http://recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-calculator.asp

If I had the money, I really would pay to go the meetings. Their system is such that they give you the tools to continue the program on your own (once you reach your goal weight you can use everything for free as long as you stay within 5lbs of your goal) and over the years, I have probably put a few hundred bucks in their pocket... so I don't feel guilty for doing it on my own... I just wish I could have the community aspect of it.

Oh well. I am really motivated to lose my baby weight, and I have extra motivation to lose it by Ashley's wedding. Matt and I are both in the wedding, and I want to take advantage of having some nice family photos where we are all color-coordinated and pretty. Not to mention Ashley has been doing the Zone and she looks FAN-freaking-TASTIC, which just makes me extra excited and motivated to look my best too. There is something about seeing someone else succeed at something that is just so encouraging!

Bikini Body

2010-03-29T07:09:00.000-07:00

Is it possible for a mommy? I guess we'll find out.

Starting up a more aggressive WW diet today so I can shed that STUBBORN baby weight.

(But I won't really ever wear a bikini, no matter how skinny I get)

2010-03-27T21:48:00.000-07:00

Matt worked all day today and part of the day yesterday fixing up some stuff in our bedroom and bathroom. Mostly he was just finishing up the trim. There is now only one room in our house that is without trim: the main bathroom. We made a goal to remodel that bathroom this year, but who knows. We made that goal when we were a dual-income family. I hope we can get to it this year, but I can be content without the shiny new bathroom in 2010.

I love being a homeowner, but the state of our house is a constant reminder to me of how life did not go according to our plan. When we bought this place, we had planned to put a ton of time and money into doing all the remodeling we needed to do, then we could sell it for a profit and have enough money to buy a family home. Ha! All of our money instead went to pay for Kisa being born, and it will likely be a long time before we can finish all of the projects that we'd like to do.

It would surprise you (well, those of you who are not remodeling your own homes, which are very few of you) how quickly you can adjust to living in an unfinished space. For the most part, this doesn't really bother me, which I think is a necessity if you're going to be a DIY kind of person.

The problem I have run into, however, is that my work style is that of a sprint: I like to tackle projects fast and in rapid succession. So when we are able to do a little remodeling, my brain immediately wants to jump to the next project. Which means that when we're putting in a new window casing in our bedroom I can't help but think of the wall I want to knock out, the tile I want in my new bathroom, the vanity I want to build, etc. I have to learn to be patient about this, because this remodel is more like a marathon than a sprint.

Anyway, I digress. Matt put in the rest of the trim and installed a new blind in our bedroom, ripped out the glass shower doors in our master bathroom, and painted. I am having a really REALLY hard time trying to prevent myself from slipping into daydreams about the lovely slate tile I picked out for that particular room... but I am really happy with the work that we (and by we I mean he... I did absolutely nothing) did this weekend.

:)

Meanwhile, I took Kisa to the grandparents' house while I ran some errands (funny how errands seem less like a chore and more like free time when you are suddenly sans baby). I intentionally drove to a distant store so that I could enjoy the weather, the music, the solitude and the Mazda on the way. So nice.

Pearls of Wisdom

2010-03-25T10:21:00.000-07:00

Below I have compiled some of my favorite tips amassed from my extremely wise friends and family:

Most headaches are a result of dehydration and can be cured with a large glass of water. (Dad)

When you are traveling, always wear your bulkiest clothing items, that way you don't have to check your baggage. (Dad)

You can create your own moisturizing scent by combining massage oil and essential oil. It is way cheaper and will last longer on your skin. (Grandma F.)

Sour candies are a good remedy for morning sickness. (Natalie Mulkey)

In lieu of a rolling pin, you can use a bottle of wine or a can of food. (Sarah Glathar)

If you purchase foundation or concealer and it turns out to be too dark for your skin tone, you can lighten it by adding sunscreen. (Tyra Banks)

You can get rid of grease stains on your clothing by adding dish soap directly to the stain (Real Simple)

You can extend the life of your dryer's heating unit by regularly scrubbing out the lint trap with soap and water. (My mother-in-law)

Frozen washcloths can provide relief for teething babies (Sarah Glathar)

If you pin your socks together before washing them, you will never end up with a loner (Real Simple)

You can use vaseline to moisturize dry skin, prevent puffy eyes and protect your lips from getting chapped. You can put it on your teeth to shine up your smile for pictures, and before drinking to prevent coffee/red wine stains. (Tyra Banks)

If you leave the avocado pit in with your guacamole when you store it, it will keep longer without getting brown (Sarah Glathar)

Along the same lines, lemon juice will prevent cut bananas, pears and apples from browning. (Mama)

A glass of milk will cure your heartburn (Jenn Miller)

2010-03-08T07:28:00.000-08:00

I'm sad that District 9 didn't win last night. I don't know anything about The Hurt Locker, so I guess I need to watch it before I declare injustice. As excited as I am about the first female director to win an Oscar, I really thought District 9 was one of the best movies I have seen in years... and it deserved some recognition. I guess the nomination was enough.

Also, I have been itching to read the book "Push" ever since I saw the first trailer for Precious, and after last night, I am totally hitting up Powell's today to get a copy because I can't wait any longer...

In other news, I spent this weekend with my daughter, mom, cousin, grandma, and all my aunts in Seaside. It was an awesome trip. There was good food, chocolate, coffee, and my aunt taught me how to make mosaics out of old Starbucks cards.

She took up this hobby about a year ago (I think?) and it has earned her an "in" with the corporate artists up in Seattle (where she lives). She even got to tour their roasting plant and meet all the bigwigs. I have always wanted to learn to mosaic, but I've never had the tools/opportunity to do so... so it was a fun time for me. Not to mention having the opportunity to 100% focus on a craft for more than 20 min at a time, because there were plenty of people willing to take care of my baby.

I think Matt enjoyed having a weekend to himself as well, playing video games and sleeping without interruption.

Anyway. Time for breakfast.

solid foods

2010-02-17T19:47:00.000-08:00

I know I have not blogged in a really long time... I have had a ton of changes in my life recently what with being laid off and starting my own business, etc. Every day seems to fill itself up with tasks and activities. On Monday we got back from our trip to Black Butte (which was a lot of fun), but unfortunately Matt and I both came down with some sort of chest infection. Mine is worse than his, maybe because of my asthma. Luckily Kisa is still healthy as a horse, thanks to mama milk.

Anyway... a lot of new stuff has been happening with her recently. She's quite the little squirmer, and she's started to move herself around from place to place. It's not crawling, it's more like a weird combination of wiggling/grabbing/rolling that is just as effective. Which means I can't take my eyes off of her, even for a moment, unless she's in her crib or strapped into her bouncy chair. (Even today I watched her wriggle almost completely out of her chair and caught her with both palms on the ground trying to make a clean break.) Sigh... my little baby is growing up.

Our newest thing has been slowly introducing some food over the past month plus. She has conquered rice and barley cereal, green beans, peas, and avocado. I have been making my own baby food, which is cheap and fun, plus I feel like I have had a more hands-on approach to her diet so far. I have been researching the most nutritious foods for her to eat and when to introduce each one. We are trying to steer away from the fruits and sweeter vegetables, and probably juice, until much later on. I want her to learn to enjoy nutritious foods like cauliflower, spinach and squash before we get too crazy with the sweets. However, every time I turn my head Matt seems to be feeding her whip cream, milkshakes and sugar (yes, he fed her plain sugar the other day). I think he enjoys working against me.

What do you think-- does it sound like me?

2010-01-23T22:21:00.000-08:00

For Ethnos our "homework" this week was to take a personality test. I was surprised to find that my personality has changed (!) since the last time I took this test. I thought I knew what the results would be. However, I think the influence of my husband (who I'm betting has a pretty similar personality type) has swayed me into become more of a "grown up" (according to us- i.e. being organized, following schedules and routines, etc).

Traits of an ISTJ:

-They place great importance on honesty and integrity.
-They enjoy structure, rules, traditions, and routines.
-Extremely dependable on following through with things they have promised.
-May have a difficult time saying "no" when they are given more work than they can reasonably handle.
-Often work long hours and will put a lot of energy into completing tasks they see as "fulfilling a goal".
-Will resist putting energy into things which don't make sense to them, or for which they can't see a practical application.
-Prefer to work alone, but work well in teams when the situation demands it.
-Likely to be uncomfortable expressing affection and emotion to others, but cares deeply for those around them.
-Tend to express affection through actions rather than through words.
-Faithful and loyal. Traditional and family-minded.
-Can take any task and define it, organize it, plan it, and implement it through to completion.
-Great sense of space and function, and artistic appreciation.
-Acutely aware of their senses, and want to be in surroundings which fit their need for structure, order, and beauty.
-Under stress, ISTJs may fall into "catastrophe mode", where they see nothing but all of the possibilities of what could go wrong. They will berate themselves for things which they should have done differently, or duties which they failed to perform. They will lose their ability to see things calmly and reasonably, and will depress themselves with their visions of doom.

(I put that last part in for Matt... if he read this far... because that is me to a T. He is fond of saying that I am not a problem-solver, which is not true, but I do have my moments where all hope is lost and there's nothing to do but despair and wait for the apocalypse)

reality check

2010-01-22T09:17:00.001-08:00

This has been a rough week for me. There are so many reasons why, none of which need to be publicly broadcast... but a lot of things have not gone my way this week, and this morning I am pretty much at the end of my rope. I am so glad today is friday, because I just want to spend a couple of quiet days with my husband, daughter, and a large container of chocolate ice cream.

I would be lying, though, if I said there was nothing positive about this week, so I am taking my friend Sam's advice and focusing on the things I am thankful for.

Yesterday I had a really fantastic opportunity to join a mom's group that is happening at Sunset Pres. I had no idea how badly I needed something like this until I was sitting in a room surrounded by 40 or 50 other moms and babies. I was almost in tears listening to other women sharing their stories of first-time parenthood (which are surprisingly similar to mine). I met another mom who works from home and has a one-year-old son. She's probably at least ten years older than me, but I'll bet we have more in common right now than some friends I've known since high school. I am feeling very, very thankful to have found this group of women and I'm really hoping that both Kisa and I can make some lasting friendships. I think I need to put some more effort into building relationships with other moms, both for my sake and for Kisa's. I have a few acquaintances with young kids, but no one in my immediate community, and I'd really love to have play dates and women I can call up for advice or to vent or whatever.

Anyway, that was a HUGE blessing for me this week. I don't think I can even express in words how much it meant to me.

I have also been reminding myself that the past three years have been overflowing with God's provision and blessings in my life. I got married, bought a house, had a baby, and God has provided for our life together in ways that were literally beyond my imagining. I don't think I could have asked for more from Him. My relationship with my brother has changed and is growing into what I have prayed for years that it would be. I am brimming with pride over Daniel and the things he has accomplished in his own life over the past several months. I hoped for, but did not really expect, him to make such a dramatic change in his life. What a joy for me to finally be able to say that I have a deep respect for my older brother (for the first time in as long as I can remember)...

So, yes, I have an incredible amount to be thankful for. Even if I feel like a lot has gone wrong this week, I have a family I love, a roof over my head, food in my fridge and money in the bank... I have been redeemed by a God who loves me like crazy and has held this entire awful week in the palm of his hand. I guess life isn't so bad after all...

2010-01-19T14:32:00.000-08:00

In the last couple of years, with the aid of a stable relationship and the pressure of motherhood, I have grown up a lot. I am still a young'un at 22 (I have a lot left to learn) but I have discovered some very simple pleasures that come along with growing up.

For the first time in my life, I think I can say pretty confidently that I know who I am. I can list qualities that I possess. I can tell you my strengths and weaknesses. I'm sure I'm still in denial about some of my more negative qualities, but, for the most part, I know what being me entails, and I am happy with me.

Which means... I really don't care if other people think I am cool or like the things I like. I am not embarrassed to admit that I listen to Kelly Clarkson or watch The Hills (both of which my husband finds completely ridiculous). I like what I like. I am who I am.

It is a very freeing feeling.

ski trip!

2010-01-08T10:35:00.000-08:00

Matt and I received an awesome gift this Christmas (or rather, the promise of a gift). Instead of exchanging presents, my parents are taking the entire family on a four-day ski vacation to Black Butte over President's Day weekend.

I am so excited about it that I am literally counting down the days until we leave. I have not been skiing in over two years, and I think the year before that I went to the mountain only once.

I am not an athlete by any stretch of the imagination, but there is ONE sport that I love, and that is skiing. I love it so much that in high school I was on our school's ski team and I competed (albeit rather poorly) in downhill races. It is also the one sport that I LOVE to watch on TV and will become completely immersed in. Perhaps someday, if I am ever wealthy beyond my wildest dreams, Matt and I will be able to attend the Olympic winter games. It's kinda killing me that they are so close this year and I won't be seeing them.

Anyway... there are not many things I do well athletically (in fact there is nothing I do well athletically) except ski. I'm not fantastic at it, but I am a pretty decent skier and because I love it SO much I have always wanted to get Matt into skiing. We have never been up to the mountain together. To me this is the equivalent of being married to Matt and never hearing him play the drums or never seeing a website he had built. I am so excited to show him something I love and am good at. I really hope he loves it too.

I am also just excited to do something I love. It's sad that my one athletic hobby is such an expensive and complicated one. It's not like you can just drive down the street to a ski resort, and so I don't get to do it as often as I would like. Maybe someday there will be more time or money for this. But for right now I am pretty excited to be going on this trip. Time to wax my skis :)

P.S.

2010-01-08T10:20:00.000-08:00

Really, my BIGGEST accomplishment is that my task list no longer includes things like taking a shower, eating meals or changing diapers. Not because I don't do them... but because they no longer register as "accomplishments".

ohhhhh mommyhood. How I have conquered thee.

Things that I did today

2010-01-05T21:44:00.000-08:00

In order of completion:
-Cleaned the bathroom (sink, tub, toilet, mopping, etc.)
-Laundry (this was all throughout the day)
-Tidied up the house
-Did 3 work orders for Rezdex
-Took our comforter to the laundromat
-While the comforter was washing/drying: did a bit of grocery shopping at Thriftway
-Went to another store to buy new pillows for our bed
-Cleaned and dusted the bedroom, including putting away all the random junk that has accumulated in there over the past month or so
-Cleaned the kitchen, swept and mopped the kitchen floor
-Paid the bills
-Put my baby to bed
-Did another work order for Rezdex
-Worked on year-end statements for Ethnos

It was a very productive day for me. I am really, really tired. Hopefully I tired Kisa out just as much and we can both sleep soundly tonight!

sleep training

2010-01-03T08:23:00.000-08:00

So... day six of sleep training for Kisa (day three of the crib), and she is already going down much easier at night. The last 2 nights she actually put herself to sleep in her crib-- with no tears and barely any fussing. I went in and checked on her and gave her back her binky, but she did the rest herself.

We set up a routine for bedtime: bathtime, lotion, pajamas, nursing, swaddling, storytime, and then I rock her and sing to her until she's drowsy (mostly we don't get to this point cause she gets drowsy as soon as I read to her). It sounds like a lot, but the whole thing takes less than 30 min and she is out like a light with little to no fussing. It's also a lot more fun than rocking her forever. We start the whole thing between 6:30 and 7:30 every night, and there has not been a single night this week where she has not been in bed, asleep, before 8pm.

Besides going down easier at night, she is staying asleep for longer periods of time, and I am sleeping much better having her in her own room. The first night was just like it has been in the bassinet (waking every 2-3 hours), but Friday night she woke only every 4 hours, and last night she slept 6 straight hours when I put her down. That still means getting up 2 or so times in the early morning (this morning I got up at 3:30 and again at 5:30), but compared to how I have been sleeping, this is like sweet manna from heaven. She's now sleeping 12.5-13.5 hours total every night. Thank God she got Matt's genes cause I have never been a good sleeper.

This confirmed a couple of suspicions I had about her: first, that she would respond well to routine and structure (I suppose that's not really a huge surprise because I think that most kids do) and second, she has a bit of an independent streak. That's not really too surprising either, considering her parents, but it's cool to recognize her little personality traits as they develop. I'm sure I will not be too thrilled about that in about 15 years, but for now I am pretty proud of my little daughter. I have a pretty sweet baby...

Les Resolutions!

2009-12-31T21:36:00.000-08:00

I know a lot of people think resolutions are lame, but I love them, and I write them every year. Sometimes they are too ambitious for me to complete, and this year I am having a hard time thinking forward an entire year. What will life be like next January? I will have a 17-month-old. I don't know much about 17-month-olds, but I'm guessing they are a lot more work than 5-month-olds. So this year will probably be another year consumed with all things baby. And this time I think I am okay with that.

I have one goal for Kisa over the next few months, and that is to stop sleeping with mommy and daddy. We have been (at least partially) co-sleeping with her since she was a few days old. It started out being something that was genuinely enjoyable for all of us, but as she has gotten bigger (and louder... and more wiggly) it has become less so. I think at this point we are all ready for her to "move out", and I am excited about putting her in her own room, even though I know it will be a tough transition.

My personal goal is to be more open and honest, and it has been inspired by Facebook. Let me explain: over the past few months or so I have been pondering the benefits of social networking tools like Facebook and blogs. They allow me to communicate with all kinds of people: old high school friends, family members around the globe, coworkers, fellow Ethnosians, etc. What I post on my FB page goes out to ALL these people. As such, it eliminates my ability to be different around each group. This, I think, has been a bit of a wake-up call for me, because the truth is that I sometimes am different with different people. Do I want my conservative aunt to see what I would say to my friends (with whom I am often less conservative than I would like)? Would I want my friends to see the things I post about what I believe, or am I too afraid of offending them?

As a result, I have started to really think intentionally about the way that I present myself and whether or not it is an accurate representation of me. Sometimes that means choosing not to say the things I know I really shoudln't be saying, and sometimes that means saying what I want to say, even though I know some people will be offended by it. I want to be someone who is real and honest with people. Even if the majority of people turn out not to like the person that I am-- I at least want them to know who I am. I'm sure I've said things that offend my conservative family members from time to time (and I know for a fact I have shocked my liberal friends). But it has been because I am communicating who I am and what I believe.

So this resolution is partly about becoming a person who is marked by openness and honesty (even with the ugly things) and partly about becoming a person who genuinely feels like they have nothing to hide. If that makes sense.

Finally, I have a resolution for my marriage and spiritual growth. Matt is going to read through the Bible again this year, and I am going to join him on the same reading schedule. Hopefully this will be a good encouragement for both of us. He is generally quite a bit more disciplined than I am, so I hope it will be a help for me having him checking up with me and discuss things with. I love learning and talking about the things I learn, so I really can't think of anything more fun than reading through the Bible with my husband. He is so full of insights.

Anyway, I have to stop writing now because I have to check my blog stats. Matt is claiming he has written more blogs in a four-year-period than I have. I do not think this is the case... but I have to check.

Merry Christmas, Kisa!

2009-12-28T22:49:00.001-08:00

When we were over at the Hartzells' on Friday they dug Matt and Ashley's old toy box out of the garage and gave it to us. We gratefully accepted (because when don't we accept free things?) but decided we'd like to make some changes so it would fit better with her decor. So here are the "before" photos:

Step one was to disassemble the whole thing and paint it white and green to match the other furniture in her room.

I found some awesome green and white polka dot fur at the fabric store, and I lined the inside of the toy box with the fabric so her toys won't break when she chucks 'em in there.

I liked the checkerboard from the original design, so I lined the top of the box with felt and painted a new checkerboard on the inside with some green fabric paint:

I also painted over the old patterns on the top and side with my own murals to match her room. One side already had a green chalkboard, which I left because it's cool (and it already matches). Soooooo here's he finished product (after 12 or so hours of work):

We are spending this week remodeling and redecorating Kisa's room (Matt is remodeling and I am redecorating) in preparation for the Big Move (aka when she starts sleeping in a crib and not in our room/bed). Today I did this and Matt hung custom shelving in her closet, replaced her old light fixture with a new ceiling fan, and shampooed the carpet. Tomorrow we are buying a crib and installing blinds. I've got a few other projects I'd like to tackle, but we are well on our way to our first completely remodeled room in this condo!

Thanks Russ and Vicki for the toy box! Kisa will now have furniture in her room from my childhood as well as Matt's, which I think is pretty cool.

2009-12-26T21:02:00.000-08:00

I don't really remember last Christmas that well (what with the morning sickness and general exhaustion/terror) but this one was both enjoyable and memorable. Our first Christmas as a family unit. And I will say this: having a baby around certainly makes the holiday a little more exciting. I know she's not old enough to open gifts or enjoy traditions, but this year we thought a little more intentionally about the things we'd like to do as a family in the coming years.

We started a few new traditions that I'm excited about. We baked cookies together, and we set up a Christmas tree and decorated our house as a family. In the future, we'd like to cut down our own tree, and next year we'll probably drive around and see some Christmas lights.

Christmas eve was spent with my family, and they started some new traditions of their own. We set a $10 gift limit, which was pretty fun. It's amazing the stuff you can get for $10. Or make for $10 worth of materials. We traded in our traditional Christmas eve dinner for a pasta dish that we cooked together as a family- right down to the pasta noodles! And all of us, as a family, donated some gifts through the World Vision catalog. I'm looking forward to seeing how that last tradition grows. I think when Kisa gets a bit older I'm going to have her save money for it all throughout the year, and then she will probably have tons of fun picking out the gifts to send (they are things like goats and sheep).

Matt and I started our own tradition on Christmas Eve, too: new pajamas for everyone right before bedtime, and then we all cuddled up on the couch and watched Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.

Christmas day was the usual stockings and presents, and then we went to visit the Hartzells. Lots of fun and presents for everyone- especially Kisa! I'm excited for the baby toys we got. It's so fun to see her growing and beginning to really play for the first time.... she is going to be a little explorer. Once she can get over how awesome her toes are, I'm sure she will really love all the new toys! ;)

I could probably write more but, to be honest, I was writing this to kill time while I waited for my new video game to install on my computer. And it's done. So time for some gaming.

Merry Christmas!

My favorite Christmas song

2009-12-24T11:25:00.000-08:00

I’m here with the others
Who saw the heavens testify
Now I hang back in the shadows
I want to come close
I want to know
She sees me shivering here
She smiles and with a nod
I walk through the mud and straw
To the newborn Son of God

Come, let us adore Him
He has come down to this barren land
Where we live
And all I have to give Him
Is adoration

He raises a wrinkled hand
Through the dust and the flies
Wrapped in rags like we are
And with barely open eyes
He takes my finger
And He won’t let go
And He won’t let go
It’s nothing like I knew before
And it’s all I need to know

Come, let us adore Him
He has come down to the world we live in
And all I have to give Him
Is adoration

God is with us here
Our Immanuel
God is with us here
Our Immanuel

O come let us adore Him
O come let us adore Him
Jesus, our Immanuel
Is with us here and He won’t let go

I am continually humbled by the picture of our Savior as an infant... maybe even more so since this year I have experienced motherhood. This song is about a baby, but it is also about our powerful Redeemer... and I think it does a really good job of capturing both. The second verse brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it, or even think about it... what a great God we have!

Regarding Marriage

2009-12-18T08:55:00.000-08:00

I am of the opinion that if you solve the problems in the marriages in your church and create really great successful marriages you will not be able to build a church big enough to hold all the people that want to come and have their marriages healed.

Matt and I subscribe to the daily generous wife and husband blogs. It's a great resource for other married couples out there. Or at least I think it is. Basically they email you a tip every day about how to be a better husband or wife. Even if the tips aren't always relevant to you personally, I like the reminder every morning to be thinking about Matt and how I can bless him that day.

Anyway, I also usually read the husbands' blog too, because I find it to be an interesting window into how men view marriage and their wives, and it also reiterates to me how different we (men and women) are from each other. For example, I'd bet most, if not all, of the wives read the husband blog just like I do. I wonder how many husbands read the wife blog? My guess is not too many. :)

I digress. Today I was reading a conversation on this blog about how one man felt the church had failed him, and his marriage, by failing to teach about Godly marriage and sex. I think this is probably a pretty common experience- that the church might see, but will perhaps not address, marital issues. After all, who has the right to "butt in" to someones marriage and offer advice or instruction?

Personally I think that our marriages, like every other piece of our lives, should be open to instruction and guidance. Matt and I set out to be open and honest about our relationship with others. So far that has been easy, because the vast majority of the past year and a half has been amazing. I hope we can continue to be open when things are harder for us.

I love my husband. He is a great man, one whom I deeply respect, and I want the best things for him. I also love marriage, and not only because I love Matt. It is really a phenomenal gift we have been given, to create the picture of God's love for us on earth. We live in a culture where marriage is seriously devalued, and I never want my own relationship to exemplify that, but rather to be a picture of what God intended it to be. When Matt and I fall short of that mark, I would hope that our brothers and sisters in Christ would guide and exhort us.

I liked the quote at the top of this page because I think I agree with this man. I don't know what it is like to be unhappily married but I DO know what it's like to be happily married, and it is something worth cherishing and protecting.

Anyway... kind of a rambly post but I've got relationships on the brain today. :)

My new baby is coming home today

2009-12-16T09:34:00.000-08:00

You know you're a grown-up when the most exciting part of your day (well, maybe your week) is getting a refrigerator delivered to your house. And you catch yourself daydreaming about it's shiny exterior, well-organized (and lit) interior, and the fact that it doesn't secretly leak water into your floorboards. Or freeze everything on the top shelf and thaw everything on the bottom shelf.

I am seriously so excited about this fridge.

2009-12-11T10:32:00.000-08:00

Of all the wonderful things man has created for our enjoyment and consumption, does anything really compare to a fresh pear and a hard-boiled egg? I would submit to you that it does not.

I do enjoy the occasional (okay, daily) tablespoon of nutella, but still... God's simplest gifts are often the best.

2009-12-08T14:34:00.000-08:00

I like the way I feel when I know I am eating well. I feel proud, healthy, energetic, and confident.

I have decided that the pleasure I get from tasting most of the junk foods that I like does not, generally speaking, outweigh the pleasure I get from being in control of my cravings, eating healthy foods and feeling good about the way my body looks. When I was previously overweight I was somewhat insecure about my figure, and just generally less comfortable-- clothes did not fit or feel that great, plus there are all kinds of medical things that spring up with even just ten extra pounds on your body.

Since I am again in the position of needing to lose some weight (thanks to baby Kisa and my crazy freaking thyroid... and, yes, my poor diet/exercise choices) I am reminded of how good it feels to be a healthy weight and composition.

This is all in response to my renewed diet plan, which I started up again today. I slipped off track for a while there, but I'm gonna do this, because I forgot HOW important it is for me to be feeling good about myself.

Matt is also partially joining me in this, against his will, since I am the primary cook in our house and therefore he eats what I cook him. :)

2009-12-03T09:52:00.000-08:00

Here is my personal goal: that someday, when I pass off this job as Ethnos administrator, the person who comes after me will never have to say that the person who worked the job before them didn't quite know exactly what they were doing.

They will have an easily maintained organizational system, they will know precisely what the job entails, and they will be trained. And they will have a manual to refer to in the event that they have a question.

I say none of this to "rip on" anyone who has worked this job before me, because I think it is a difficult job if you only do it for a few months (which is what most of them did) or if you are not trained properly (which none of us were). But I think we can do better.

oh, memories

2009-12-02T20:56:00.001-08:00

This date last year was the day we found out we were pregnant (and about 4 weeks in).

I came home from work (I had to work the closing shift, so it was about 11) pregnancy test in hand. I had already told Matt about my suspicions earlier that day so he was waiting for me. When we saw those two little strips we (or maybe just me... I don't remember) dropped about a million F-bombs and I cried inconsolably for at least a half an hour, maybe longer.

Haha. I am counting on sleeping better tonight than I did this night last year! :)

2009-12-01T07:41:00.000-08:00

I'm praying for a smooth and relaxing day today.

Last night Kisa had a pretty intense bout of crying right before bedtime. I have had a cold since Saturday night that started with a really raw sore throat, so I sent Matt to the store at 10 pm to buy baby tylenol (in case she had caught my germs). Turns out that wasn't it, but I am glad I have it on hand anyway because I think we're getting pretty close to teething time.

She was an absolute angel the rest of the day, though, and I didn't really get a chance to enjoy it because I was working so hard. So I'm hoping she is happy again today and that I will have less to do so I can have a chance to hang out with her and recover. Pretty much my ideal day today would consist of cuddling with her and watching america's next top model reruns. And eating oatmeal.

2009-11-27T22:16:00.001-08:00

So I had a revelation tonight as we were watching The Wrestler (which is a good movie by the way): it is ok for parents to not be perfect and to not have the answers all of the time because they are just people. After all, I am a parent and popping out a kid sure didn't make me perfect (although it did make me a little more mature). It seems obvious and simple, yet I realize how much I have expected of my parents (and other parents I have known). Now that I am a parent myself, I hope that my kid will be gracious and merciful when, inevitably, I am selfish and weak.

In other news, for any readers out there in the Real Simple club: they are selling one-year subscriptions on amazon for $5. That was not a typo, it's really $5. So go buy it.

2009-11-23T13:30:00.001-08:00

I have discovered a new parenting trick. This is how it works: sit your baby in front of the tv, and then proceed with other household tasks.

Yes, I realize I will not be winning any parenting awards anytime soon. ;)

Mr. Fix-it

2009-11-20T12:00:00.000-08:00

The other day I did something I never thought I would do, which was to write a honey-do list. Now that I spend so much time at home doing housewife-y things, the little annoyances around my house have turned into huge issues. The loose faucet in our kitchen aggravated me to no end. The doors to our laundry space didn't shut properly, and now that I open and close them several times a day (at least), it was driving me crazy. So I put together a list of my five most important small projects and handed it to Matt.

Now, I didn't mean that I expected him to do every single one of them immediately, but rather that when we find time to improve our house, these were my top priorities.

However, my super handy and helpful husband (yes, I meant to alliterate) did four out of five things within the next two hours. Including replacing our kitchen lightbulb, fixing the laundry room doors, repairing our busted toilet handle, and- yes!- tightening up our kitchen faucet. It probably would have been a lot easier if the toilet hadn't overflowed on him mid-fix, and if I hadn't broken the garbage disposal and flooded our kitchen with dirty cabbage water immediately after he was done (oops). He fixed that too.

So, it pretty much goes without saying that my husband is awesome, but I'll say it anyway.

2009-11-18T10:21:00.000-08:00

So, this weekend Matt and I got to visit my friends Jon and Kristin who live up in the Seattle area. It was a long overdue trip, and it was just nice to get away for the weekend and have fun.

While we were up there we had the opportunity to visit their church, Eastlake. It's got a huge congregation (I think they said somewhere around 4-5k) and a big building, complete with parking attendants and even a cop to direct/supervise the traffic in and out of the area on Sundays. I believe they have three Sunday services. The one that we went to was certainly packed, I'm sure the others probably are, too.

It reminded me of the "glory days" of BCC-- where we'd park up at the middle school and ride the shuttle to the sanctuary to allow more room for visitors. I remember weaving in and out of the lobby, packed full of adults, trying to find my parents to get them home for lunch. (One of my biggest frustrations as a kid was how LONG it took to leave church after it was over. We used to joke that my mom and dad could only make it about 5 feet before they'd get sucked into another conversation. I felt like we were always some of the last people to leave.)

Anyway, it got me thinking. Eastlake was started on the same timeline as Ethnos, yet they now have 4,000 members and we have 40. What makes one church succeed and another struggle? I could point to a lot of differences between the two, but the core actually seemed the same. The entire sermon was about valuing each others experiences and connecting, openly and honestly, with those around us. You could tell that what people valued most at Eastlake, and at Ethnos, was the community they were a part of. Both places feel like a place you can be honest and be loved for who you are.

So. What is it? I love Ethnos, the people and the values we have set in front of us. I believe in these things, and that is why Matt and I have stuck by these people throughout the past several years. But, it is sad to see us held back, and I'm not confident that I know the reason why. This Friday Eastlake is having a baptism service/celebration. A whole service just for all the baptisms! It has been more than a year since we have had a baptism at Ethnos. I want us to be growing and having an impact on the community around us.

Anyway, I am thinking about that today.

2009-11-16T22:04:00.000-08:00

I had such a productive day today. I cleaned my entire house (meaning I comet-ed the toilet bowls and mopped the floor and the whole shebang. I have found that keeping my house clean is a lot harder now that I have a baby. It is still tidy almost all of the time, although I know that is going to change. But finding the time and energy to actually CLEAN is a whole other story) I got a haircut, I cooked dinner, I worked on Rezdex (sidenote-- GOT MY FIRST PAYCHECK TODAY! YAY!), I did like 4 loads of laundry, I ran errands for myself and for Matt, and Kisa and I hung out and had quality time.

I feel soooooo much better already, it is unbelievable.

:)

2 good things

2009-11-12T22:30:00.000-08:00

Yay! This evening a man from the doctor's office called me (a full day earlier than expected) to give me the result of my TSH test. So it's true, I have somehow developed the thyroid issues of a woman more than twice my age. However at this point I really do not care, I am just glad that I will hopefully be feeling better soon!

Originally the doctor had said I would have to wait until next week to get any medication (after meeting with my PCP) but she just went ahead and ordered me up a prescription so I can get started as quickly as possible. I assume this was probably because of just how low my TSH levels actually were. I mean really, it is just ridiculous that an otherwise healthy 22 year old woman would develop such a sudden and severe problem like that. Perhaps its been coming on for a while now and I've just attributed it to pregnancy/new parenthood. Who knows. Who cares. They are going to fix it and I can go back to being myself. Hooray!

Good thing #2: Matt and I are going up to Seattle tomorrow to visit my BFF and her husband for the first time ever since they got married (almost two years ago... yeah, I'm kind of a bad friend :/). Actually right now the thought of packing and driving all the way up there sounds really exhausting, but I'm really looking forward to seeing her and I'm hoping that maybe getting my medication tomorrow will help me feel a little better and more energetic! We'll see.

2009-11-11T16:27:00.000-08:00

I might kind of be a fan of my sister's new boyfriend, despite my dislike/general distrust for most of the people she dates. Last night I overhead him asking my dad's permission to take her to an apologetics conference. So at the very least he knows how to drive and woo her family members.

Natalie Mulkey is a genius.

2009-11-11T12:57:00.001-08:00

I am thankful for my friend Natalie, for a great many reasons but one of them being that she always has good advice. When I was pregnant she gave me all kinds of tips about how to combat my morning sickness and I was sooooooooo grateful to her for that.

Well, on Sunday she and I were discussing my health (aka how I have been feeling crappy for a couple of weeks now). She mentioned that sometimes women can develop thyroid issues after having babies. This is the first suggestion that has made sense to me because I have had no other symptoms besides a headache and fatigue. So, I finally went to the doctor to get checked out, and the doctor is pretty much positive that that's what's up.

While I'm not super thrilled about having to wait even longer to feel better (it will take a few days to get my test results and get in to see my primary care physician, and then a few weeks to fine-tune my medication) I am relieved that I probably know what's wrong and can now address it. It is very defeating to feel like you are doing everything in your power to take care of yourself and still feel like your body is trying to shut down. So, hooray for seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

A long post concerning my feelings about abortion, etc.

2009-11-08T12:09:00.000-08:00

I have been deeply engaging/praying about an idea that was brought to the forefront of my mind a couple of weeks ago. I was driving home from the grocery store and I saw this bumper sticker on the car in front of me: "Be a Voice for Choice: Every Child a Wanted Child".

I have always had my own thoughts and opinions about abortion, and at times in my life I have held these opinions with varying degrees of fervor. However, when I read this bumper sticker, my eyes immediately welled up with tears and I felt nauseous. It was like all of the emotions of the past year of my life came tumbling out right then and there, and I could barely keep it together. I don't know if I could describe it in a way that would be understood, but I will do my best because I have finally been awakened to the profound change God has brought about in me.

First of all, let me say that I am not what would be defined as "Pro-Life" in the political sense, and it's been years since I made that decision. It's not because I don't value the lives of the unborn, in fact, I place few things in life with such high priority. Rather, it is because of my own firm beliefs regarding my role in society as a believer and the role of our government. First off, I don't believe that the government has the right to pass laws regarding personal morality. There are many things that take place in the world out there that I don't agree with, and these things are the result of sin and depravity, and also a result of the freewill granted by our Father. I do believe that this freewill has a purpose, and though I sometimes would like to reach into others lives and make their decisions for them, that was never His design. So, I fundamentally disagree with forcing my moral values on others through government. (This is the conclusion I have come to after much study and prayer. I realize a lot of people out there will disagree and have Biblical support for their stance, and I am happy to hear it. I don't think there is just one way to integrate faith into your life, but for me, this is what I believe.)

The second reason I believe this with such strength is that I simply do not believe politics are the answer. I have seen too many Christians sit back and let their ballot be their only method of combating the evil in our world. If you REALLY believe abortion is wrong, what difference does it make to fill in a circle on a page? I think that too often we think of our political stance as our primary weapon in a moral battle. The reality is, we are simply commissioning others to do the work we are unwilling to do ourselves. And this, to me, is just as evil. Politics have made no progress in turning people to Christ because THAT IS NOT THE GOAL. I think we, as Christians, need to stand up for our own ideas, not behind the shield of senators and representatives and presidents we "agree" with but clad in the armor of the Holy Spirit.

All of that being said, I have been struggling lately with what my response should be to the Pro-Life/Pro-Choice debate. How do I support mothers of "unwanted" (or rather, unplanned) children? Or how do I support the children? I feel like it would be hypocrisy for me to say that I feel strongly and yet personally have no involvement.

I will get to my thoughts in a minute, but first I just want to say something else for the record. I know what it is like to experience an unplanned pregnancy. It is one of the scariest things life can throw at you. I realize I am saying that as a woman in a healthy marriage with a wonderful and loving support system, so I can only imagine how women feel when there are other variables involved: finances, single parenthood, teenage parenthood, no support system, even rape. I know that I don't understand those situations, and I don't claim to. All I know is that the women who choose life for their babies in the midst of these difficult situations are heroes, and they should be celebrated.

I do understand what it feels like, though, to find out you are pregnant when it's the last thing in life that you want. To be honest, the day I found out that I was pregnant with Kisa was the worst day of my life. I have a tendency to minimize pain in retrospect, but I have made a point to try to remember my feelings about that because I believe God allowed me to experience them for a reason. I think the pain that Matt and I went through was for a purpose, and even that, apart from the changes of parenthood, has made a lasting imprint on who I am.

Obviously, I see things differently from the other side of pregnancy. I have changed dramatically, from the things I value in life to my goals for the future, and even my passions and interests. But I do remember the person I used to be, and how that person used to feel about the world. I don't think it's presumptious for me to say that I probably experienced a lot of what other women experience when they find out about unplanned pregnancies. So, really, I understand. I understand what it's like to feel the cascade of your well-planned life coming down around you. I understand what it's like to hope for, or even pray for, a miscarriage so things don't have to change. I know the surge of adrenaline that tells you that you can't do this, that it is a mistake, that there's got to be something you can do to go back in time and pretend it never happened. I know how it takes weeks, even months, for that feeling to fade. I have watched dreams crumble, or seen walls built up around them so high that they seem impossible to scale. I would not wish that pain upon anyone. I would hope that every woman would be able to experience the sweetness of pregnancy without the bitterness of sacrifice. But that is just unrealistic. We live in a world where, for the first time, we can actually MAKE the decision whether or not to have children, and when that decision is yanked from us, it feels like a severe injustice. Perhaps that is our own coloring of the situation, but I will not deny that the pain and the fear is very, very real.

I believe all of this had a purpose in my life, and whether or not I planned her, Kisa is here and she has been one of the most beautiful gifts that a gracious God has ever bestowed on me. I also know that someday her husband will thank God for bringing her into this world in the same way that I thank God for creating Matt, and for entrusting him to Russ and Vicki, who were faithful to love him and raise him in truth.

So the question has been raised: where do I go from here? I understand how abortion can seem like a reasonable choice in a broken and sinful world. I honestly don't judge the women who consider it as an option, because were it not for my husband and my faith, I probably would have, too. In a different circumstance, I hope that I would have made the same choice, but I honestly don't know.

I have been kicking around some thoughts on the topic, and asking God for his guidance as I consider how to turn these passions into ministry. I spoke before about the pain I endured having a purpose, and I believe this is it. I believe God means for me to have direct involvement with mothers and babies of unplanned pregnancies. What that looks like, I don't yet know. Maybe it means I will volunteer with some local NPOs, like the PRC. Or maybe it means something more dramatic, like adoption.

It's odd that in my life I have tried to leave everything open to God's direction, except family planning. For some reason I have always considered that to be my choice (i.e. I will have a baby, or have more babies, when- or IF- I am ready). Well, God pretty much blew that up in my face, and I'm glad He did. It is weird to try to consider God's plan for my family. Does he want us to have more children? Does he want us to adopt? When do we know we are done having children? I am starting to understand how people get to the "quiver full" idea. I do believe that kids are a blessing, and I fully intend to have as many as God wants me to have. Right now it seems scary to think about, or talk about, continuing to grow our family, and, Lord willing, we are hoping to take a break for a while. But the question lingers in my mind. What does He want for us, and how do we obey?

In the meantime, my heart is beginning to be drawn to the idea of adoption. Maybe for Matt and I, or maybe just as a concept that I throw time and energy into supporting. We will have to see what the future brings, and see if God leads Matt's heart in the same direction.

Either way, I feel like a new world has been opened to me, one that I have never before considered. I think that God wants me here, engaging this topic, and I am doing my best to be faithful and continue in humility and prayer so I can follow wherever He leads.

2009-11-06T17:58:00.000-08:00

It feels unfair that over a week has gone by and I STILL have a major headache and I'm STILL so tired that this afternoon (after a cup of coffee, mind you) I took a nap ON THE FLOOR (the floor I have not vacuumed in... oh, I don't know how long) in front of Kisa's swing so that I wouldn't have to rouse myself and walk over there to put her binky back in her mouth if it happened to fall out.

That was kind of a run on sentence, but oh well. At least most of the stuff in that paragraph is spelled correctly, although exhausted has taken a toll on my punctuation.

Seriously though, if you know me you know I am a complete pansy when it comes to headaches. I hate them, and the most minor headache makes me feel like I am going to implode imminently. I would rather throw up all day than have a headache all day.

In other news, I am looking forward to relaxing all weekend, because hopefully I will feel better after a little R & R.

Since Matt updated his blog, I guess I should too...

2009-11-03T12:51:00.000-08:00

Thank you all for pointing out my hypocrisy.

In other news, I have discovered a slight down side to working from home.

When your home is also your office, it can start to feel a little bit like you are always on the clock. Between the two jobs I work, my baby, and taking care of basic household responsibilities (cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands), I have discovered that I can go an entire day with almost no down time. Surprisingly, I have discovered that I am NOT the type of person who struggles to motivate herself when unmonitored (I would have guessed this about myself). Rather, I struggle with sitting still or resting when it feels like there is always something I have to get done.

I have not been feeling well the past few days, and I'm not entirely sure why. It could be the changing of the seasons (I have historically had a difficult time adjusting to the winter months). It could be lack of sleep, although I feel the amount of sleep I get is generally reasonable, so I'm not sure that's it. It could be that I am feeling overworked or overwhelmed. It could be that I am coming down with something. It could be that I have had a bad reaction to the flu shot I got last week. There are so many possibilities. Regardless, I have been feeling pretty wiped out, and that's made me rethink the patterns I've fallen into over the past month.

So, in a renewed attempt to take care of myself and thus be a better wife/mother/employee, I have decided to enforce some general rules for my "work day". Like, for instance, coffee breaks and lunch breaks. Which means setting aside about 45 minutes of my day to stop working (and not because my baby just woke up and I have to feed/change her). But just to enjoy my meal and have a little bit of unstructured quiet time for myself.

So we'll see how that works out.
(And yes, I typed this during my first ever self-imposed lunch break)

2009-09-28T13:40:00.000-07:00

P.S. my baby is awesome, also. This past week she has been like a totally different baby. Maybe it is just that I am settling in a bit better, but I really feel like she totally turned a corner right about the 6-week mark. Breastfeeding has gotten a LOT easier, and she has started to form a bit of a routine. She is on a very regular sleeping schedule at night, and she even takes a nap during Matt's work day, which gives me time to work on Ethnos and get things done around the house. In addition, she has greater stretches of time in which she is awake and happy and not eating, which makes her lots of fun to be around and puts me in a much better mood also.

For the first few weeks Matt was back at work, I was exhausted and moody by the time he got home in the evening, but now I feel really settled and happy with the pace of our life. Over the past year or so I have become a much more optimistic person, and that has been a huge help when it comes to the parenthood adjustment. For example: the last week or so, Kisa has started crying when she gets tired, and the only way to get her down for her nap sometimes is to hold her and rock her to sleep. Previously, she only cried when she was hungry (which was all or the time that she was not sleeping) and had to nurse herself to sleep. So I have decided that this new development is actually a good thing: it is tiring sometimes when she is really crying, but on the plus side, I know that it will be easier for me to wean her later on. Some babies have a hard time being weaned because they have to nurse themselves to sleep; Kisa has already developed a different nighttime routine. So, there is my silver lining.

There is always a positive, you just have to find out what it is.

2009-09-28T13:11:00.000-07:00

I have read that it takes between 3-6 months to lose your baby weight. I gained a lot of weight while prego (more than 40lbs). Most of it is already gone, but I still have a little under 7lbs to go. I really want to lose these last few pounds before the 3-month mark, which is November 8th. So that is my goal for the next few weeks. The first 30+lbs have been easy, but I have the feeling that these last few will be a bit of a challenge. This past week I got the okay to start exercising again, and now that the weather has cooled down, I think it's time to take the jogging stroller out for a spin. Maybe that will make the weight loss easier. Plus, I really need to tone up and get into better shape.

I made a few promises to my husband for our anniversary this year, one of them being that I would do my best to lose all of my baby weight after Kisa came. I think it's very important for married men and women, especially parents, to take care of their body and their appearance. In my mind, this is one thing that I do to show Matt that I care about him and want to look my best for him. Not that I expect (or he expects) for me to be a perfect-looking supermodel, but I think it's important to be healthy physically, and to make an effort to look put together. I think it would be very sad to send the message to him that now that I am married, I don't need to make an effort. That says that he isn't worth it, when in reality, he is the only person whose attention I really care about.

Anyway... that was kind of a long shpeel, but the point is that I have been working hard to do this, for myself and for my husband. I am really close to my goal and that is exciting, since I spent nine months dreading my postpartum body.