Born to Run

I have heard of (and even know) some women who, after giving birth to their first child, suddenly have a new appreciation for their bodies. It's kind of a light bulb moment: this is what I was made for. This is what my body was built to do.

I had a similar revelation earlier this year, but not about childbirth.

When I was younger, I possessed very little (if any) natural athletic ability. I was short, clumsy, and chunky, which made most sports pretty much impossible. On top of that, I am not particularly competitive and I don't enjoy team sports, so there were very few activities that captured my interest or attention. I have a handful of vivid childhood memories involving learning to ride a bike for the first time (at age 11- yes, you read that correctly), running the mile in gym class, and attempting to exercise at the gym my family belonged to. And when I say vivid, I mean terrible. Needless to say, sports were not my thing. And you could tell by looking at me.

When my husband and I got engaged, I was 20 years old and at my heaviest weight ever, a solid 35-45lbs heavier than I am today. As part of our premarital counseling, we discussed some of our expectations for the future, among them that we would each do our part to stay physically healthy for as long as possible.

Somewhere in the course of these conversations, it dawned on me that I was not doing my part. Diet and exercise had never been a priority for me, but out of love for my husband (and a desire to look good in my wedding dress) I joined Weight Watchers, started hitting the gym, and dropped about 30lbs in time to walk down the aisle. I felt good, but even at that point, it had nothing to do with fitness. It was about diet and dress sizes. At the gym, I gravitated toward the bike or treadmill because I knew how they worked, and that was pretty much the extent of my thought process.

After my daughter was born, I struggled with putting the pieces back together physically. During the first year of her life, I was decimated by an autoimmune disorder called Hashimoto's thyroiditis. It took almost a full year to be correctly diagnosed and begin treatment, and to this day I am still in the process of fine-tuning my medication levels. Hashi's rocked my world. Here I was at age 22, losing my hair, perpetually exhausted, and throwing up until I quite literally would pass out. Sometimes I couldn't form full sentences because I was in such a constant mental fog. Forget about exercise. I was happy just to make it through the day.

There have been other times in my life where I've felt uncomfortable in my skin, but never like that. I was angry at my body. I felt betrayed. I guess I thought that I was "owed" good health, despite no effort on my part to earn it. Not to mention the extra baby weight that wouldn't budge, and the scars of pregnancy. It was not the body I envisioned spending my life in. It was a huge wake-up call for me.

For the first time in my life, I started to really work out. I started running with a jogging stroller. I dropped those last few pounds of baby weight. I bought workout dvds. I asked a friend, a figure competitor, for tips. She directed me to My Fitness Pal, an online community for people who are trying to lead healthier lifestyles. In October 2011, I bought a gym membership.

I dropped 15 more lbs, meeting and then surpassing my ultimate weight goal. By January 2012 I was in better shape than I ever dreamed I would be. I started running more, and signed up for my first 15k with my sister-in-law.

That was when I fell in love with running. The more I ran, the harder I fell. I started to replace all those feelings of hatred and betrayal with gratitude for my body, in all of its weirdness. My petite frame that has never been able to carry an ounce of extra weight (at least not without me looking like the Michelin man)? Turns out, carrying less weight has protected my joints. My legs, which are long (too long) in proportion to my torso, let me run faster than other women my height. My flat feet that have never felt quiet right in heels, but feel oh-so-at-home in my running shoes. The list goes on and on. Suddenly my body makes sense to me. I was built for this. I was born to run.

There have been a few truly passionate loves in my life: God. My husband. My incredible daughter. All of them have knocked the wind out of me, taught me things about myself that I had never known before. They've shaped me into the woman I am and the woman I will become. I have loved each of them more than I thought possible. And I never, in a million years, thought I would say that there is a sport that could help me realize some of those same things, but running has done that for me.

Croup!

I hate croup. I really, REALLY hate it.

Kisa came down with croup this weekend for the third or fourth time in her short life, but this was the worst case she has ever had before. I spent Friday morning at the pediatrician and Sunday morning at the ER trying to figure out what was wrong (I should have known croup when I saw it, but I guess I just hoped it would be something else). The ER doctor informed me that Kisa has smaller airways than the average toddler, which is probably why her lungs get so easily inflamed and why almost every cold she has ever caught has ended in croup. She is an unusually healthy child, so the reality is the only real illness we've ever dealt with is croup. And we've done it several times in the last year and a half.

In short, he told me to learn how to deal with it because it is the way her body responds to illness. Kids grow out of "croup" as they get older and their airways enlarge, but she will probably always be prone to respiratory illness and will get coughs more often than her peers. This is a wonderful trait she has inherited from her daddy.

Luckily, the older you get the less dangerous respiratory illnesses become (well... to a point), so hopefully there will come a time when her coughs are just coughs and not cause for alarm.

However. It is still a really scary and annoying illness. It's basically just the common cold settling in a kid's lungs, but it causes a cough and phlegm that can clog your airways and make you choke/asphyxiate. There's nothing you can do to treat it except push steroids (which help decrease inflammation and open up your airways) and ibuprofen to keep irritation down. Cough medicines don't work at all.

But probably the number one reason I hate croup is because it is so deceptive. You wake up in the morning to a basically healthy kid and think, "really? Did I just imagine them almost suffocating last night? They seem FINE right now." All day they play happily and seem barely bothered by a slight cough. You question the decision you made at 3am in the morning to call the doctor when the office opens for the day. You think you must be past the worst of it, or maybe you were just overreacting. Then 8 or 9 pm rolls around and they are gagging and sputtering and your only option is to deal with it or pack them in the car and head to the ER... and you think, what the hell? THEY WERE JUST FINE.

So that is why I hate croup. Because no matter how many times I've dealt with it, despite knowing what it is and the symptoms and remedies, it is still surprisingly terrifying and stressful. Every single time.

Sigh.

An addendum to my last post

I have discovered that Kisa does not understand the word "some". Ask her if she would like some of something (some peas, some cheese, some toys) and she will look at you like you just offered to give her a shot or put her down for naptime.

If, however, you ask her if she would like peas, or more peas, or cold peas, or hot peas, (you get the idea) she will understand you perfectly and a tantrum will be avoided.

Kids are crazy.

Conversations with toddlers

Kisa: (apocalyptic meltdown)
Me: Kisa, are you hungry?
Kisa: YES! (panic) Ok, YES!!!
Me: What do you want to eat?
Kisa: Fishes!
Me: You want fishes?
Kisa: No! NO! NO! NO!
Me: Do you want a strawberry bar?
Kisa: NO!
Me: Do you want some cheese?
Kisa: NO!
Me: Do you want some crackers?
Kisa: No! NOOOOO! (resume apocalyptic meltdown)
Kisa: Fishes!
Me: Do you want some fishes?
Kisa: No!
Kisa: Fishes!
Me: Do you want fishes?
Kisa: Ok, YES!

Sigh.

Interactive Play Mat for B

Note: I realize it's been a thousand years since my last blog post... so I'm going to do what any normal person would do and carry on as if there has been absolutely no gap in time whatsoever. :)

I have this girlfriend, Allie, who is quite the world traveler. Her husband's work takes him on business trips frequently- and she often gets to join him (with toddler in tow). Recently her family has decided to temporarily relocate to Indiana, which means she will be making a lot of plane trips back to Portland over the next year to visit friends and family. And she will be bringing her two-year-old on these trips. (I know, she's like supermom, I can't even fathom it).

ANYWAY. Allie came up with this GREAT idea for moms like her who are often in situations when they need to keep their little ones quietly occupied. It is sort of like a "quiet book"- made of fabric and with plenty of things for kids to interact with- buttons, snaps, zipeprs, etc. Instead of being a book, it is about the size of playmat and can roll up to be stowed in a purse or diaper bag. Neat idea, huh? Perfect for plane travel or while waiting for your meal at the restaurant.

As a going away present, I decided to tackle this project for Allie to (hopefully) keep her son occupied on his many trips back to visit us. I am pretty proud of the results so I thought I would show it off and give my blog a much-needed update (whoops, I mentioned my slacking off).

So (drumroll please) here it is:


The whole project is made of felt with two exceptions, which I will mention when I get to them. Let's start with the tree. The apples attach to the tree with magnets and can be interchanged with flowers (which are hidden inside a secret pocket in the tree trunk). The tire swing is only attached to the tree at the branch, so it swings around like a real tire swing (Kisa thought this was AWESOME. I had to go back to the drawing board after she ripped the first tire swing off the tree branch. She is an excellent product tester.)
The rope ladder is made of yarn, and the bucket at the bottom of the tree is a pocket filled with six apples on strings, for little hands to stuff in and pull out to their heart's content.

What you are seeing in this (really poor quality- sorry, I am just too lazy to go back and take another pic) shot is the center of the playmat. Little items of clothing attach with velcro to a clothesline. The flowers attach to their stems with snaps, and the ball slides up and down the grass. All the people (and the cat) that you see are backed with velcro so they can move anywhere (and attach to anything) on the play mat.

I really like the little house.

The flower patch is the same (snaps), but the door "opens" with a button. The roof of the house lifts up and the inside of the house is a pocket, where you can store the family when they are not in use. My favorite find was the little windows- they are actually tiny mirrors. :)

The sky:

The clouds are made of nylon and stuffed with plastic bags to make a little rustling sound (that didn't work out as well as I had hoped- oh well. The little pearlized beads symbolize raindrops. The ribbons (which you can tie and untie) are meant to be little birds.

The sun is made out of a felt, a bright yellow button, and a bunch of ribbon with free edges. I know how little kids love to play with tags and ribbons.



And, my favorite addition (a practical one, of course)... the suction cups at top, allowing you to secure the mat to a table/tray table to prevent that whole flinging thing that toddlers are sooooooo good at. :)

So... there you have it! An interactive play mat, the size of a place mat, that rolls up and then secures with a buckle:

The little red bag you see contains extras of the little pieces (since toddlers are also really great at losing small items).

And it all stows away in this little bag, which keeps it safe in your purse next to the sippy cup and the crushed-up goldfish crackers (don't pretend like you don't have those in your purse):


This is, by far, the most fun project I have ever worked on. I hope it buys Allie plenty of quiet time on plane trips. :) I plan on making a duplicate for Kisa soon (she fell in love)... after my fingers recover from all the hand-stitching. :)

Recent Projects

I've been digging out my sewing machine for quite a few projects lately. I find that it's great therapy when you're having a tough day, and I love the productivity- making something out of almost nothing. Kid projects are easy and take the least resources (fabric and notions) so that's what I've been doing. Thought I would share some of my pieces here:


This first one is a dress I made for Kisa out of fabric scraps... I made a similar one in a floral fabric for her BFF Millie and a matching one for Millie's baby sister Sophie. I ended up having enough plain fabric left over to whip up another dress. Since it was a little on the simple side, I added three coordinating rosettes on the waistband. I think it turned out pretty cute... a little on the long side, but hopefully she will be able to wear this all spring and summer. The straps tie so they are adjustable which is neat for little kiddos.
(Here is a link to the pattern which, of course, was free: http://www.made-by-rae.com/2008/05/itty-bitty-dress-take-ii-only-not-as.html)



This one is one of my favorites... not because the fabric is super great, but because Kisa looks amazing in bright blue and the summery-ness of the outfit makes me feel happy inside, even though it will be months before she can wear it out of our house.
The rest of the outfits in this blog were made out of some of Matt's old dress shirts. He was throwing some stuff out the other day, and I just can't stand to see stuff leave my house if I can find something useful to do with it. So I snatched up four shirts and set to work. This particular one was a long sleeve, so I was able to sew the entire top out of the fabric just in the sleeves! Isn't that incredible? The bloomers took up most of the rest of the shirt.
This outfit cost me $1 to make, since I had to buy the elastic for the bloomers, but I used the buttons from Matt's old shirt and had white thread on hand. So it was super cheap! I should mention that if anyone wants to use this pattern, the bloomers are huuuuuuuuge... the pattern was for a 3 month old and these are pretty big on Kisa. She's got little(ish) hips, but still.
(Links to the patterns: Bloomers- http://madquilter.blogspot.com/2010/04/knotted-bow-bloomers.html and Toddler Top- http://www.prudentbaby.com/2010/05/snappy-toddler-top-free-downloadable.html)



This jumper is made out of another one of Matt's shirts, and trimmed with fabric from one of my old shirts. I love jumpers because they are so versatile (worn with leggings and a turtleneck in fall/winter or alone in the summer. You can adjust the buttons as they grow so it will hopefully last a while too!).
As you can see, I have some trouble adhering to the "rules", so I definitely took liberties with some of these patterns. Anyway, here is a link to the jumper pattern I used: http://www.ikatbag.com/2010/01/dress-for-winter-iv-gathered-jumper_15.html


Finally, this is an apron made from another one of Matt's old shirts. It was a pretty nice one, but it had an Axium logo, so it was out! Black isn't really a great color on little girls so I made it into an apron (so helpful for those messy toddler games) and tried to spunk it up a little with some pink accents. I'm not sure how I feel about this one, but hey, it was free and it will protect her other clothes from messes, so that's what matters. Right?!
Apron Pattern here: http://supamb.com/supafine/2007/08/24/sewing-how-to-make-a-kid-sized-chef-apron/

P.S. Isn't that picture hysterical? This kid is destined for a modeling career for sure!

That is it for now, although I have my eye on a couple other patterns I found online and at least one shirt left to recycle, so I'm sure I'll be posting more projects soon. :)

Social Explosion

I have been meaning to blog for a long time, but honestly, life with a toddler is busy busy busy and yet surprisingly unproductive. ;)

So I blogged recently about the church Matt and I (mostly just me but Matt on occasion) have been attending, Westport. I am too lazy to link to that blog, but you can search back through my archives if you want to reference it or if you missed it. That's just a little background on some of what I plan to talk about in this particular blog.

So... to start off with, I am young. I mean really really young, and I feel it. A lot. Though there are parts of my life where I am, as you would say, "ahead of the curve", the truth is I have only lived on this earth for 23 years and I am not nearly as wise or as self-aware as I feel like I should be.

I find this particularly important when I think about the changes that have been going on in our lives over the past few months and how I have been coping with them. As you all know, our church of several years closed, and Matt and I went on a city-wide "church hunt" to look for a new body for our family to join. It has been a great experience for me in more ways than one, but probably the most essential way has been what it has taught me about myself and the way I perceive myself.

I don't wish to say anything negative about Ethnos, and I'm sure some people will hear it that way regardless of the words I use. But the truth is that by the time Ethnos ended, I was exhausted and looking for some things I felt I had really missed out on (at least in the last several months or year): community with other moms, the ability to serve in the areas I was most passionate and talented, and bible study.

I don't mean to say those things didn't happen at Ethnos, because they definitely did and in fact, the way these things happened at Ethnos has probably formed a lot of my expectations of how church should be. But by the end, it wasn't enough for me. I wanted lots of moms to chat with and have playdates. I wanted lots of artists to create and bring to fruition huge projects. Most of all I have really wanted a personal mentor and a consistent bible study.

So during this time of transition for us, I have been throwing myself headlong into every opportunity that has come my way: relationships, ministries, activities, bible studies. I have found a mentor (she is an amazing lady who I will have to reserve a separate blog for) who I plan to meet with regularly, I have connected with more than one group of mothers and made several really great friendships, and in the near future I hope to help out with the A/V team at Westport. They also have a bible study that I will probably join.

The passion with which I have pursued all these different things reminds me of a kid who has been inside all winter and can finally go out to play in the sun. I am just excited about life and about all the different ways to spread my wings.

I am discovering, as a Christian, how much joy there is in the Gospel message, the community of believers, and the world that God has created for us. That probably sounds crazy, but too much of my adult life I have spent dealing only with the muck and the grime of life and surrounding myself with people who do the same. I don't want to be that person. I want to be a person who is marked by love, joy, and the peace of Christ in her life. I want to be someone who is a good and loyal friend, a faithful servant, and an encouragement in tough times.

As a leader, I also want to be someone who leads with joy and not with fear. I think this is key. I have always thought of myself as a leader and believe it to be one of my spiritual gifts (I have blogged about this before too). But I think my failures to lead well in the past have been tied up in my own negativity- by attempting to control others or by failing to keep my eyes on the goal.

Anyway, I know this blog is pretty much pure madness. I try to be coherent, but honestly, I don't have a ton of time inside my own head at this stage of life, so a lot of my processing happens on this blog. Hopefully you can follow my rabbit trails and see what I am trying to say.

I'm gonna be honest: I don't really feel like blogging. However, I have been neglecting this blog for a long time, and if I don't push myself, the situation will perhaps deteriorate entirely.

So I will give this my full attention until: a) The dryer goes off or b) my daughter wakes up from her nap, whichever comes first.


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My body has been doing some weird stuff lately. Since my thyroid diagnosis, I have been taking medication that has a side effect of speeding up my metabolism. This is super awesome. After spending a whole lifetime as the woman who eats a burger and gains five pounds, I find it extremely gratifying to be able to eat what I want without gaining weight.

But. Is that really a blessing? In the past I have had to be very careful about diet and exercise. There are times when that is stifling and annoying, but overall I think it has led me to good health habits and positive self-image, despite having to pass on cake or bacon from time to time.

So, I am still trying to watch what I eat. Perhaps not the portions as closely as I used to, but at least what goes in. Because you can look great and be totally unhealthy.

In other news, one of my lifelong goals has been to be able to confidently wear a bikini. I do not know why this is a goal, because I don't think I would actually wear a bikini even if I had a killer bikini body. I am one of the most modest people ever (like refuse-to-breastfeed-in-public modest), so I believe in being fully clothed. But, I would really like to try on a bikini at the store and look fantastic in it, then put it back on the shelf and go home (or maybe buy it and wear it just for Matt).

Anyway, I do not even know if this goal is achievable. Let's face it, motherhood does not do wonders for your abs... and there's only so much exercise can do to undo the fact that you carried a human being in your gut for nine months. But, I am going to try.

SO anyway, I have set up a cardio and weight lifting regimen for the next three months and hope to be toned up by the end of them. If not bikini-ready, then at least in better shape, right?!

Aaaaaaaand there goes the dryer! :)

Westport

So the last two weeks our family has attended Westport church (a nice reprieve from the Pacific Northwest Drum Tour that has been our life for the past few months). I think for the time being Kisa and I are going to be setting up home base there, while Matt continues to play around town as there is need. I think this is a great opportunity for him and love that he is able to be a blessing to lots of different church bodies. But it has been difficult for Kisa and I- it is tough for her to be thrown into a different nursery each week and tough for me to feel like I don't have "roots" anywhere.

Anyway, Kisa and I will be at Westport, for a while anyway. Matt will join us on weeks he is not leading elsewhere, and we will probably join him when he plays at Imago Dei. I don't know how long we will be there or if our whole family will end up there or at Imago, but we shall see, and I'm okay with that for now. I plan on getting plugged in to the community there but keeping my mind open if God calls us to move.

This last week/weekend was especially powerful for me as I felt like I had a good opportunity to get to know the character of the leadership at Westport and the fellow believers there. Last week, one of their members (someone very well connected with the church and different ministries there) was arrested as a result of some nasty sin that had run rampant in his life. I won't go into the details of all that here, because it's not really my story to share. However I was really impressed by the response I saw in the church.

I feel like this man's situation was handled with maturity and grace, with members of the church who had every right to be angry and disgusted instead reaching out and offering support.

Then I was blown away by the sermon on Sunday which was a humbling reminder of who I am without Christ. The jist of the message was this: we can see the effects of unchecked sin in another's life and it is appalling... we may think that we would never stoop to such lows in our own life, and be disgusted and condemn others. But instead, I was reminded that I am not so different from this poor man. I could be in his shoes, easily, without the grace of God. I don't think I'm above any of the sins that are out there. I don't think I'm above cheating on my husband or becoming and alcoholic or abusing my child. All it takes is for us to open ourselves up to sin and temptation. Let it take hold, and we are each capable of the same appalling, disgusting lows. Sin is a slippery slope that way, and none of us are above temptation.

After church, I met a handful of people including the new pastor (who I love- he is one of the most positive and upbeat people I have ever met), childcare workers, and one of the elders, who I had a great conversation with.

Anyway, I have felt very welcomed into this new body and am looking forward to meeting new friends and serving there. Kisa has been struggling with the nursery situation, but she joined us in service last week and was exceptionally well-behaved there (after ramming her head repeatedly into the wall in the childcare). I think we broke her spirit. Hopefully she will adapt now that things will be more stable for her... I'm hoping she makes a connection with one of the childcare providers or kiddos and that will be our ticket to getting well-adjusted with all the new faces.

I know Matt is going to jump on me for saying this, but... I kinda wish I could freeze time right now so my daughter can be 18 months old for a long time.

I just love it. I have been enjoying every day with her. That is not to say it is not challenging- she has been cutting her molars and I honestly don't think there is a single book in her possession that has not been partially devoured. One night I went out and she ate a page of her FAVORITE book, Baby Loves, which Nana brought her from the Museum of Modern Art in NYC. I was pretty annoyed by that.

In general though, I am loving life. Kisa is happy, I am happy, and we are very busy with friends and "adventures". I am beginning to realize just how well-behaved Kisa generally is, and I am thankful for that.

There is this nagging thought in the back of my head that this won't last forever. She is going to grow up and stop being thrilled by mac and cheese and hunting for ladybugs. Eventually, she will even stop cuddling with me on the couch or running across the room to give me hugs. That sucks. There are things I am really looking forward to about having an older kid, but I love having a toddler. It is just going by way too fast. I don't know if I will ever have another child and so I feel like I need to soak up all of these moments now.

Anyway, there is stuff about parenting a toddler that is really annoying. I guess I have just tried not to see it that way because I know all of it is fleeting and I will miss it when it is over. Well, most of it. I don't think I will ever miss using our playpen as a hallway blocker. :)

I am turning into Matt, I think

I played my first "horror" video game with Matt today. Even though I pretty much hate horror movies, I can kind of understand the appeal of a spooky game... and playing it myself is MUCH different from watching Matt play.

Isn't it amazing that we live in an age where we have the artistic creativity and technological advances necessary to create video games? I know that most of my readers are not gamers, but have you ever stopped to think about this? Today I played a game where I was running around a broken down space station full of terrifying alien predators... and my heart was pumping as if there might actually be a creature behind me, chasing me. Isn't that really pretty incredible? We are able to experience all kinds of things through video games that we would never be able to do in real life.

I know some of you will say that it's no different from reading a book or watching a movie, but it totally is. There is a level of personal involvement and interaction in a video game that you can't find in a book.

I have always been appreciative of games... I love the artistic/storytelling aspect of gaming, as well as the competition. It makes me sad that a lot of people miss out on what I think is a really cool art form.

I think I am going to start a new blog. I have been pondering this idea for a while and I'm just going to do it.

The purpose of this blog will be to share tips about home organization and cleanliness. I do not claim to be a perfect housekeeper or to be an expert on this topic, but it does happen to be a passion (sickness?) of mine. So, I am going to start a free blog about it and you are welcome to follow said blog and invite your friends to follow it too (assuming, of course, that my tips are helpful).

I will share the link when I've gotten it ready and published my first post.

How to win friends and influence people

First of all, let me say thank you to whatever readers have clung through the last several months of this blog. I know it has been drier than the Mojave around here, and unfortunately, like a great many things, that is due to how sick I have been. It is hard to keep up with el blog when my brain feels like it is in a constant fog (yes, the rhyme was intentional). Luckily for all of us, I have finally perked up a bit and regained the ability to form a whole sentence. Which means I hope to be blogging a bit more frequently and coherently in the future.

The past few months have been full of a lot of change for our family, but we are getting rooted in this new stage of life. Recently I have been reminded to seize the opportunity to invest in my husband, daughter, and other new relationships that are beginning to bloom.

Since having Kisa and quitting work, I have watched my social circle shrink dramatically. I no longer connect very often with old friends from school or work and the time I spend with my family takes up such a large portion of my days that it has been easy to call that enough. However, since leaving Ethnos, I have realized that the social network I have had may also begin to deteriorate as friends move on to new ministries with their families.

In short, it's time to get out there and make some friends!

Making new friends has always been a bit of a struggle for me. I, like most people I know, have my share of insecurities. Add to that a sprinkle of shyness and my overwhelming tendency to shove my foot in my mouth (thanks Dad- I'm convinced it's genetic), and you have a great recipe for social anxiety. When I was younger I really let this control my interactions with those around me. As I have grown, I am beginning to realize that I am not the only one who feels this way. I'm not the only person who wonders if the people they like really like them back. I'm not the only person who is too shy to ask a new friend out for coffee or a playdate. I'm not even the only person who walks away from conversations kicking themselves over saying something totally and completely idiotic.

At one of the churches Matt and I have visited recently, we had the privilege of experiencing an appointment of new deacons for the church. They had men and women who were being acknowledged in leadership positions come forward and share why they were being called to that position. One of these people in particular shared something that really touched my heart, and I have been pondering it ever since. This man was being appointed as the deacon of "hospitality", but he described himself as a very guarded, shy introvert. I thought that was strange, but he went on to explain that throughout his life he had always felt like he was on the "fringe" and didn't quite know how to fit in or make friends. As he and his wife began attending church, he got plugged into their community and realized that his shyness had been a gift. He understands more that anyone else what it feels like to be sitting alone in a pew wondering how to reach out to others. He wasn't intimidated by people who were quiet or withdrawn. In fact, he knew how to speak to them and include them without belittling who they were in Christ or forcing them to be the extroverts they were not.

I walked away from that service thinking that this was a cool story, a unique story, and it could easily be my story if I could muster the courage to obey God's call to community in a way I hadn't before.

So, I have started to put myself out there. I have tried not to worry about what people are thinking of me. I have invited, welcomed, complimented and encouraged people where I otherwise wouldn't for fear they would see me as desperate, clingy, or fake. It sounds idiotic when I write it, but it has been a fear of mine that by pursuing friendships with others, I would seem needy.

The biggest hurdle has been to try to relieve myself of guilt for the stupid things I sometimes say. I am an intelligent woman, but my tongue usually has a head start on my brain, and, like I said earlier, I spend a lot of time with my foot in my mouth. That used to deter me from forming close relationships with people. But what I have learned lately is that people are far more gracious than I have given them credit for. If I have the humility to apologize and laugh at myself from time to time, my friends have been kind and forgiving when what I've said has been hurtful or offensive. Thank God for that, because taming my tongue will be a lifelong struggle. I heard a preacher once say that a witty tongue is not a gift but a curse, and I could not agree more.

Anyway, my goal as always is to be real and open with everyone I meet. Hopefully I can be as free with my encouragement as I am with my cynicism, and pick myself up when I stumble.

Thanks for reading!

(Oh, and for those of you who are wondering, no, I'm not reading the book.)

17 months!

On Saturday Kisa will be 17 months old.

Last night Matt and I let her watch some home videos (of herself) that we had put on youtube, and I was amazed that I seriously have almost no recollection of baby Kisa. It might be the fatigue, or just selective memory, but my daughter is a toddler in basically all my memories of her. It was weird to see her drinking from a bottle and cooing and blinking in her Grandpa's lap.

I think that seeing my child every day makes me oblivious to the fact that she is actually growing and moving forward, so instead I just project backwards and think she must have always been this smart and done this many things. Although, come to think of it, I do remember that in November she knew how to make one animal sound (sometimes- a monkey), and now she has mastered the following: cat, dog, snake, horse, elephant, duck, bear, tiger, sheep, ladybug, dragon, dinosaur (you know- all the important ones).

My favorite part of this phase is watching her sense of humor develop. She has learned to nod her head "yes" and shake her head "no". She also likes to use the actual word no, which comes out more like "mmmm... nah", like she has to think about it (for example: "Kisa, do you have a dirty diaper?" "Mmmmmm... nah." I guarantee you she does.)

Anyway, she likes to answer yes or no questions, which she does very emphatically, although her answers are rarely true. She also doesn't really use the word "mama", but if I ask her if she can say "mama", she will either a) nod her head and smile (but not say it) or b) laugh and say "dada" instead. Little stinker.

I think I am going to start keeping a log of new things I see her picking up, that way I can get a better idea of her progress. Since Christmas, she has:

- Learned how to build towers with her MegaBlocks (her new favorite activity of all time)
- Learned "Ta-DA!" (with arm movements of course)
- Begun crawling up on objects and using some objects as bridges to other objects (ex. kitchen chair to kitchen table, toilet to counter, etc)... makes me CRAZY
- Learned how to pick out a DVD from the shelf, pop it out of the box, turn on the xbox and tv, insert the disc and start playing it... this one also makes me crazy
- Also, recently, but I'm not sure when, she has started waving for "hi" and not just "bye". When she comes into bed with us at night, she has to say hi/wave to Matt before she lays down and goes back to sleep... it's very cute.

I think that is all for now, but I'm sure I will come up with more later, or she'll learn something new tomorrow.

Thyroid Disease :(

Well well.

I posted that last blog with the full intent of following it up with an equally verbose sequel, but I got a little bit sidetracked- first with some health issues and then by the business of life in general. So, I plan on coming back to that topic, but today I'm going to go on a rabbit trail.

The month of November was a tough one for me, physically speaking. For the later part of October and the entirety of November I was experiencing nausea, loss of appetite, headaches, fatigue etc. I didn't say much about it because I was almost certain that the symptoms were the result of morning sickness (which, THANK GOD, they were not). I wasn't the only one who thought that either- I have had no less than five pregnancy tests (four of them ordered by doctors), and an ultrasound, in the past month. No babies! So we're in the clear.

What I eventually discovered, last week, is that all of my myriad symptoms have been the result of thyroid disease which has gone untreated for at least a year. A couple of months after Kisa was born, I was diagnosed with thyroid dysfunction and put on a hormone replacement, but after a couple of months of treatment my primary care physician took me off the drugs, told me I was cured, and sent me on my way. Since that time, I haven't had any blood tests or check-ups, but I definitely wasn't cured.

Unfortunately, what my doctor had written off as postpartum thyroiditis is actually thyroid disease. When I had blood work done last week to confirm this diagnosis, the doctor who took my tests was floored that I was still functioning normally and had gone a year without getting a checkup. How insane! I find it really sad, actually, that I am so out of tune with my body as to write off all of the symptoms I have experienced over the past year as "well, that's mommyhood for you!". My general exhaustion, hair loss, struggle to lose weight, irritability, sensitivity to cold, trouble sleeping... etc, etc. Your thyroid is basically what makes your body go, so if you imagine pretty much everything in your body slowing down almost to a standstill, that is where I've been for almost a year. It's pretty sad to think I could have felt so much better than I did (especially during the summer, it would have been a big help!). I have at times over the past week felt overjoyed, sad, and frustrated when I consider how much this has affected, and will continue to affect, my daily life. But I have promised myself to be more engaged in matters of my own health moving forward, and to be more in tune with my own body.

It takes a period of several weeks to several months to regulate hormone levels when you start a hormone replacement treatment, so it will be a while before I am fully myself again, but I am looking forward to a point in the future where I have more energy, can shake off what feels like a mental fog, and feel more grounded emotionally. I am also looking forward to getting some more answers as to why my body has shut down on me so dramatically at such a young age. Although thyroid disease is pretty common among women, it's not very common for someone so young and otherwise healthy, so I will be consulting an endocrinologist to see if there may be other factors causing this illness and if there are any effects from the period during which I was untreated. Severe hypothyroidism can cause heart disease and infertility when unchecked, so I'll need to investigate and see if I have done any kind of permanent damage to my body, which I'm really hoping (and pretty certain) is not the case.

All in all, it has been an emotional week for me. The predominant feeling is one of relief, and motivation to get as healthy as I can. I have let up on my expectations of myself a little bit. I am trying not to be as rigid with my diet and exercise right now and just focus on getting better. It is easier to allow myself to rest more when I think that I will only need to be doing this for a little while, rather than that my fatigue is a way of life that must be conquered (which is how I've been operating for so many months- just push through it!). I firmly believe in the power of positive thinking, so I'm trying to be really kind to my body and think happy thoughts. I'm convinced this has already made a big difference, even by something as minor as saying to myself "Look what I have accomplished today" instead of focusing on all the things I didn't do.

I would be lying, though, if I said there haven't been some moments of intense frustration and sadness in the past week. My difficult nursing Kisa and her early weaning, I now realize, was a result of my disease being unmedicated by my doctor. I have felt frustrated thinking about how much money we spent on baby formula, and sad that I wasn't able to give my daughter all that I wanted to. I have also spent a good deal of time and money in the past year pursuing treatments for symptoms that stemmed from thyroid disease, and that is frustrating too. To think that I had the answer and that my failure to ask enough questions or get involved in my treatment process resulted in all of this nonsense... can be kind of difficult to process emotionally.

In addition to that, there is the reality that I have been diagnosed with a chronic illness. So, for the rest of my life, I will be taking pills and getting blood tests. I pray that I can manage this disease to the best of my ability so that it doesn't affect other parts of my health, and I am taking steps to educate myself as much as possible about my illness and treatment options. I want to be knowledgeable about my health, and I definitely don't want to end up in a similar situation again!

Anyway, I realize that is probably not an interesting topic for most of my readers, but I think it's important to chronicle for myself, as well as for Kisa, who has a very high risk of a developing this disease when she gets older. But hopefully she just inherit my creativity instead! :)

Ministry goals

Hopefully, it comes as no surprise to you (whoever you are) that Matt and I are currently in the midst of a church transition. Ethnos, the church where we have spent the last 5-6 years of our lives and ministry, is drawing to a close, which leaves us "homeless" for the time being. Over the past couple of months we have had the opportunity of visiting a number of churches in the Beaverton and Portland area, and have narrowed down our search considerably. I feel like we are far from making a decision about where we would like to attend, but the process has been an interesting one for our family.

Recently, Matt has had opportunities to help lead worship at 3 different churches in the greater Portland/Vancouver area, and from my estimation, it has been an incredible time of growth for him as a musician and worship leader. The combination of playing with many different musicians, the encouragement of being sought after as a worship leader, and the opportunity to see how other believers worship has been great for all of us, but especially for Matt. It has been fun for me to watch him fully use his gifts and rise to the many opportunities he has been presented with.

However, I would be lying if I said it isn't also a little bit intimidating. As we've traveled around to these new churches, I feel a tiny bit like I am being ripped out of my element. I am going to places where no one knows me beyond what little they may know of Matt. Almost every week I field the same comments from strangers: 1) Your husband is a very good drummer, and 2) Your daughter is cute/adorable/beautiful/precious. I have sunk to a position of total anonymity, and after several years of being known-- WELL-- by my community, it is weird.

Rather than be disheartened by this, I have been encouraged to take a good look at my own heart and where I see myself serving in whatever place we end up. You see, as a young mom it is really, REALLY easy to get caught up in motherhood. As firmly as I believe that God designed me for the purpose of being Matt's wife and Kisa's mother, I also believe that he means me for much, MUCH more than that. Simply put, my family is not my whole life... they are just a piece of it. One of the deepest desires of my heart is to encourage each of them to pursue their own goals and passions, and one of the ways I see myself doing this (especially in my daughter's case) is to lead by example.

Recently I have become a bit restless, and am aching for the chance to employ my gifts and to do ministry in a way that is transformational for myself and those around me. It is something I have thought of quite often lately, and a vision is taking shape for the future. It is something I am excited about (although still working through), and thus something I want to share.

(Maybe now would be a good point to add in a disclaimer. Although I have spent a good deal of time studying the topic I am about to write about, I am by no means a theologian and I have not had the benefit of seminary training. So although what I am about to say is the result of years of study, mentoring, prayer, and seeking God's direction in my life, I am not trying to present my views as infallible or completely formed. I do believe them to be Biblical, but as I know what I say may be a little unorthodox I leave it to you to decide and to challenge.)

I believe that I have the spiritual gift of craftsmanship. Depending on where you go to church or what spiritual gifts inventory you've taken, you may or may not have heard of this gift, or even believe that it is a spiritual gift. You may define it anywhere on the broad spectrum of skills relating to either the creative arts or to architecture/construction. So let me give a somewhat brief/casual explanation of what I believe this gift encompasses, and why.

Though seldom mentioned in the New Testament, there are a few instances in the Old Testament where the Holy Spirit blesses an individual with the gift of "craftsmanship" (this is the term I will use for the purpose of the blog, though the actual word varies according to the text you are reading). These situations occur when God commands the people to build worship structures (ex the Temple) and although the work requires many artisans, there is one laborer that is granted this particular gift. It certainly includes a talent or passion for the arts, but as we know these things can and do exist outside of the church. Rather, the men in the OT who possess the gift of craftsmanship are more like overseers (supervisors or mobilizers) of the other artisans.

It has been difficult for me to pinpoint what exactly this means for me, but let me start by explaining how I have discovered what I am not. Through many spiritual gifts tests, I have often come up with the conclusion that I have a passion and ability for leadership as well as for administration. This is not entirely true, but it is a close representation of what I believe my gift to actually be. Craftsmanship, as Biblically defined and as I have seen in my own life, is a combination of these three elements: a passion for/talent for the arts, the ability to lead, and the means to organize others in this pursuit.

I see it as a gift under the umbrella of many other worship gifts. In that way I have often thought that it's pretty cool that Matt and I have such similar makeup, even though our mode of expression seems so different. When Matt leads musical worship, he is doing with music what I seek to lead others in doing with the arts.

So what exactly is it that I think I'm leading people to? Well, I believe that the act of creation can be an act of worship. I believe we were created in God's image and that includes the ability to create. I believe we were gifted with beauty and a love and appreciation for that beauty as both a call to worship and a means of worship. There is something in the arts, specifically in music but also in fine art, that captures the heart in a way that nothing else can. For my part, I believe that to be a mode of communication that opens our heart in different ways to our Creator; ways that words cannot.

That all sounds pretty vague and hippie-dippy, I know, but my point is that I think art is valuable to the Church as a way to worship and evangelize. The more we can harness our creative gifts, the more we can worship in a way that is transformational and the better we can represent Christ to the world around us. It is no wonder that Paul spoke of the physical world as being an undeniable representation of God. How can you experience something as beautiful as a sunset, a canyon, a snow-capped mountain and claim there is no God? And don't you think a God who has created so much beauty around us loves it when we worship him with our own expressions of beauty?

Because of a great many things in history (idolatry, iconoclasm... to name a couple), the fine arts have taken a backburner or been pushed out of the Western Church. There is a lot there that I can't tackle in this post, but my main goal is to mobilize other artists to worship, in a healthy way, by using their creative gifts. I believe this would change the way the entire church worships, even those who don't think of themselves as artistic or don't care much for art.

Specifically, I hope to become an administrator or leader (of sorts) for those who have creative abilities. I'd love to help them channel their individual gifts into modes of corporate worship... a great example would be leading the Stations of the Cross, which I have done at Ethnos in prior years. I have some other ideas of experiential worship events... things that allow artists to do what they do, and the church to experience God in a fresh way because of it. So if I were to sum it up in a few words, I suppose that is how I would describe my passion and where I think God is calling me forward in ministry.

Now I am trusting God that he will lead us to a place where Matt and I are both able to be mentored, equipped and encouraged in our individual and intersecting passions, and, most of all, where we are able to engage in service the way we hope to! I think there are some strong possibilities out there for us, and it's exciting to feel like we could be on the brink of a new chapter in our lives and ministry.

You can bet I'll be writing more about this as we continue our journey. I've really only shared about a tenth of what I've got bouncing around in my head, but it already feels like I'm trying to say too much too fast and not communicating clearly. I wish I had my husband's gift for blogging! Ah well. ;)

And with that I'm signing off... it's been a long day, parenting-wise, and I'm exhausted.

Something your friends may not tell you

Fifteen months after the birth of my daughter, my rib cage is just now beginning to return to it's previous size/shape. I am told this depends on the woman and that some bounce back more quickly than others, while some are permanently altered.

Personally I feel lucky that I am not too much the worse for wear. I partly attribute this to still being a young'un myself, so thanks, God, for that... ;)

Housekeeping

Occasionally (fine... daily) I time myself while performing random household tasks. I find it helps me to keep my perspective on the days I feel tempted to make statements like "I spend my whole life cleaning" or "I never have any free time."

My mom once gave me a great housekeeping tip, which was that if I could employ a general system of order and commit to cleaning once a week, then caring for my house would not be an overwhelming task. In other words, if your house is basically clean and organized, then a little bit of tidying every day keeps things from getting out of control.

I spend 5 minutes/day in each room of my house, and 15 minutes in the kitchen. It comes out to about 30 minutes a day. Doable. And then I stop.

So far, this system has been great, and I've become even more of a believer since Kisa has begun walking and flinging random items around the house. She has the ability to make my living room look like a war zone, but because of my timer, I now know that no matter how terrible the chaos seems, it only takes me an average of 2.5 minutes to correct.

I also know that it takes me only 4 minutes to unload and re-load my dishwasher, which is less than the amount of time it takes to make a cup of tea. Not bad.

So if I happen to walk into my house at 12:45pm (like I did today) and find every room cluttered with dirty dishes, toys and laundry in a questionable state of cleanliness, at the very least I can know that within 30 minutes I can be back to my tidy happy place. And I will still have at least an hour and a half of naptime left to relax. Or to blog.

An Addendum

One of the reasons I am so jazzed about Kisa's new sleep schedule is because I finally have the opportunity to get up before my daughter if I want. This was never a possibility before because she either: a) woke up before 6:30 or b) woke up when she heard me or Matt get up since she slept in our bed.

The timing of this really couldn't be better, cause it lets me have some lead time in the morning to have a quiet time and exercise. (I was just telling my dad and Emiko on Sunday that I'm having to adapt my workout routine to account for the rain. I have been jogging/walking most mornings, which works really well for both me and Kisa, but I know that won't be a possibility as we move toward winter.) Now I can get up early and work out indoors, which is ridiculously awesome.

I have spent the last week or so catching up on a year plus of missed sleep, but I was feeling well rested this morning and got up early to hit the gym (aka my living room with my set of dusty weights). Unfortunately for me, I seem to have some kind of mild stomach bug, and I couldn't bring myself to finish the routine.

Luckily today is a GORGEOUS day, so Kisa and I walked to the library instead and played on the playground. It was fun, and one of the first times I've been to a playground with her, since she is just now developing the necessary skills to actually play on one. I have discovered that she really, REALLY likes slides. Or maybe she just likes squealing when sliding down them.

Sweet Dreams

Over the last week or so, we have noticed some significant improvements in Kisa's sleeping, which is something that has been a struggle from the beginning. After many attempts at sleep training, we eventually resigned ourselves to the idea that she would sleep on her own when she was ready, and tried our best to cope with it.

I haven't changed a thing about her routine and can't point my finger to a variable that might have influenced her decision to sleep on her own. But I am ready for it. She has been doing some sort of 8pm-8am routine at nights in her crib, and for the last month or more has been putting herself down without a peep for naps and at bedtime.

It is crazy now to think about how much work it used to be to put her down for the night, and how much stress it gave us. It has probably been the biggest ongoing parenting struggle thus far. To see some measurable improvement is amazing. FINALLY!

I kind of love the way this worked out and that there is no explanation or change in behavior to lead to such a sudden improvement. It just reinforces, to me, my belief that some things will happen in their own time. No amount of stress or worry or tears or bedtime stories or parenting advice made my kid sleep better. She just figured it out, with a little bit of help, when she was ready.

It can be unbelievably frustrating at times... but that is just parenthood.