happy birthday dear bec-ca

Today was my little sister's birthday.

She is 15 now.

For her birthday we drove to the lake in LO.

And we played in the water fountain and climbed all over the creepy statues.

I got back my grades. Two A's and two B+'s.

and I hate to even mention it. But something bad happened yesterday.
Another something.
I wish it would have happened to me instead.

for self, so next year i don't need to look too hard

Barbecued Spareribs on a Charcoal Grill

240 MIN
60 min to make
180 min to grill
Does not include rest time

2 full racks spareribs (about 6 pounds total)
3/4 cup Dry Rub for Barbecue (see recipe)
2 (3-inch) wood chunks or 2 cups wood chips
2 cups barbecue sauce, optional

Rub both sides of the ribs with the dry rub and let stand at room temperature for 1 hour.
Soak the wood chunks in cold water to cover for 1 hour and drain.
Meanwhile, light a large chimney filled a bit less than halfway with charcoal briquettes (about 2 1/2 quarts or 40 coals) and allow to burn until covered with a thin layer of gray ash. Empty the coals into one side of the grill, piling them up in a mound 2 or 3 briquettes high. Keep the bottom vents completely open.
Place the wood chunks on top of the charcoal. Put the cooking grate in place, open the grill lid vents completely, and cover, turning the lid so that the vents are opposite the wood chunks or chips to draw smoke through the grill. Let the grate heat for 5 minutes and clean it with a wire brush.
Position the ribs over the cool part of the grill. Barbecue, turning the ribs every 30 minutes, until the meat starts to pull away from the bones and has a rosy glow on the exterior, 2 to 3 hours. (The initial temperature inside the grill will be about 350 degrees; it will drop to 250 degrees after 2 hours.)
Remove the ribs from the grill and wrap each slab completely in aluminum foil. Put the foil-wrapped slabs in a brown paper bag and crimp the top of the bag to seal tightly. Allow to rest at room temperature for 1 hour.
Unwrap the ribs and brush with the barbecue sauce, if desired (or serve with the sauce on the side). Cut the ribs between the bones and serve immediately.





Dry Rub for Barbecue
10 min

4 tablespoons sweet paprika
2 tablespoons chili powder
2 tablespoons ground cumin
2 tablespoons dark brown sugar
2 tablespoons salt
1 tablespoon dried oregano
1 tablespoon granulated sugar
1 tablespoon ground black pepper
1 tablespoon ground white pepper
1-2 teaspoons cayenne pepper

Mix all of the ingredients together in a small bowl.
(The rub can be stored in an airtight container at room temperature for several weeks.)
Makes about 1 cup.




serv. suggestions:
mashed potatoes
corn on the cob
watermelon

i miss joey.
he is not coming back until the middle of july.
=( <-- that is how i feel about that.

On wednesday I went and had dinner with my family- Aunt Melinda, Uncle Rich, Connor, Aidan, Hannah, and Owen (no, his name is not Owen Owen, his name is Owen Lewis). They are just here on break from missions in Afghanistan. I have not seen them in several years. Since the summer of my freshman year. So I guess it's been about 4 years now.
The funny thing is how we can pick up right where we left off like nothing has changed or there is no huge cultural shift for them in coming here. They are so laid back it blows my mind. My cousin Connor just graduated from boarding school in India, and a day after the ceremony hopped a plane to come back here, and he was sitting across the table from me joking about the hip-hop culture and that freaking awful "Booty Booty" song.
Ahhhhh I love these people. Of course, we share the same sense of humor, same interests, but also the same passions (missions, the gospel, travel). jajhjfjsdf.... No, I can't even find words to describe how happy I am that they are here.
Also, my uncle Rich is a trained optometrist and he practices in Kabul, so I asked him about degrees in medical science and what his recommendations were for me. He told me it was okay to continue with my current degree, as long as I was sure to keep my grades up and fulfill the undergraduate requirements for medical school. Which I'm looking into. That means taking extra classes, maybe at PSU, in biology and chemistry, etc. So I'm weighing my options there.
He also assured me that coming to med school with a different background (film instead of bio or chem) is actually encouraged in some cases... they want well-rounded individuals who will use their degrees in different areas.
So maybe there are some options for me?

I am FREAKING OUT about my grades from last term. I want them now-ish. How long do I have to wait?

damian lewis

I couldn't sleep so I watched 2 hours of Band of Brothers. It's been about a year or so since I last saw them. Soooo freaking sweet. Also, I have had a secret crush on Damian Lewis since I first saw this series. And by "secret crush" I really mean "not so secret at all," because I have absolutely no problem admitting this guy is smoking hot and also the epitome of manliness.

Yep, this guy is a BAMF for sure.
Of course the picture doesn't really do him justice, but if you've seen the series you know what I'm talking about. Damian Lewis = All That Is Man.

CS Lewis's A Grief Observed

"It is hard to have patience with people who say, 'There is no death,' or, 'Death doesn't matter'. There is death. And whatever it is, matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn't matter.
I look up at the night sky. Is anything more certain than that in all those vast times and places, if I were allowed to search them, I should nowhere find her face, her voice, her touch? She died. She is dead. Is the word so difficult to learn?"

i wish someone had told me about this book two years ago. i was only sixteen; i could not find words. how could anyone else understand when i couldn't even understand myself? after all, i was the only one who knew how it felt to lose someone.

one down and two to go. I executed a fairly well-written 5-page research paper this morning in roughly an hour and a half, thanks to Brandon's inability to communicate clearly or DO ANY WORK OF HIS OWN.
AUGH.
If I had known it was going to come down to me shouldering the research load for the whole team, I would have done it weeks ago and written the best paper possible. I know this topic like the back of my hand. I could have done that. But instead I crammed it in at the last minute, picking up slack for two of the laziest people alive, who will probably walk away from this class with A's because of MY hard work.
AHHHHH. I hate that.

I also submitted a second draft for my theory of natural selection/description of selective pressures essay.

Then I sat in Powell's and typed 15 pages of script. And assembled them like a madman.

I went to turn in my portfolio and Jackie told me to go home. Apparently I looked like I was about to die. Which was about right, because that's how I felt. As I turned to leave she stopped me, saying, "I'm looking forward to working with you in the future, and I'd like you to think over break about the possibility of working on an independent study later in your career here."
Oh hell yes.
Jackie loves me.
Of course, she hasn't read my script yet. When she does, she might change her mind.
I'm hoping for a B + in that class.

Then I skipped over to Bill's office to drop off my final essay. We talked about anatomy, physiology and biomechanics. I asked him for some advice on whether or not to pursue science as a possible career field. We talked about it extensively. He encouraged me to take every science class I could fit into my schedule between now and graduation. That will put me in a better position for a master's program, although his recommendation was just to get a second Bachelor's degree. (random tangent-- The thing I don't get is, right now I'm working toward a BS, not a BFA. If I already have a BS shoudln't it be much easier to get a graduate degree in a science field? I haven't researched it enough so I don't know for sure... anyway, yeah. Whatever. ) Of course he recommended OSU (he taught there for years). I was planning on going there originally, so it's kind of a bummer. I know I am doing exactly what God wants for me, but I still feel like there are other talents/skills I should be pursuing. I could have so easily majored in English, Psychology, Biology, etc. Even Biblical Studies. I considered all of these things and I settled on film. I'm hoping that wasn't a poor choice. I love my major more than anything in the world, and I am so looking forward to being able to use these skills to glorify the kingdom. But I am leaving so much out!
I just want to be sure I am doing what's best, that I am not closing the door to something I could find satisfaction and joy in. Am I doing something good right now? Am I doing what I can do best? And am I doing it to the best of my ability?

Starting wednesday, I have a break until July 10th. I'm so happy I could cry.
I need money though. Does anyone need their house painted?

The LIST (ashby understands)

FOR TOMORROW:
-Compile/write/edit 5-page research paper
-Edit natural selection paper
-Write 22(!) pages of script
-Compile all scriptwriting info from the entire term, and make it look nice so Jackie doesn't hate me

MONDAY:
2:45-4:45 Bio Final, 2 research papers due, Powerpoint presentation due
5:30-7:30 Table reads, Script DUE (AHHHHHHHHH!)
Turn in my apt key?

Monday night/Tuesday morning:
-Value assignment
-Ground Subtraction/Contrast assignment
-Study for Final Exam

TUESDAY:
7:30-10:30 ???? Sacred Space meeting???
2:45-4:45 Color Theory FINAL EXAM, two projects due
7:30+ Community group @ Sanders

Tuesday night:
Study for Computer Final...

WEDNESDAY:
10:00 MEET WITH SARAH! YAY!
5:30-7:30 COMP FINAL EXAM
Straight from final to grandparents to hang out with my family who is coming from Afghanistan/India.

The end.

On Thursday I am going to lie in bed all day in my pajamas and watch the entire Lord of The Rings trilogy while eating chinese food and chocolate ice cream.

I finally saw MI3... and everyone was right, it was badass. There were a couple freaking sweet lines of dialogue. Mostly Fishburne's. "You can look at me with those judgmental eyes all you want, but I bullshit you not: I will bleed on the American flag to make sure those stripes stay red." or "Don't interrupt me when I'm asking a rhetorical question."
I think I nearly had a heart attack several times when Ethan was flying through the air, shooting random bad guys, or hanging off ledges being shot at. During the final scene I was about hyperventilating, leaning forward in my chair and clutching the back of the seat in front of me. (Yeah... I get into movies. What can I say?) Bri came with me and she would scream and bury her face in my shoulder any time something intense happened. (So basically the whole movie.)
I think JJ Abrams should be applauded for reviving the series, especially after John Woo's crappy directing in MI2.

My one criticism is this: Apparently MI-3 did not have a large enough budget, because although they could afford a Ferrari, to shoot on location in the Vatican, and to clothe every extra in the party scene, they clearly ran out of cloth when they were sewing Maggie's evening gown. I'm not sure wearing half a dress goes over well in the Vatican... but that could just be me.

sickle cell disease

I've spent a term doing research on Sickle Cell Disease and the relationship between genetic mutation (in this case, the substitution of regular hemoglobin-- HbA-- for HbS, in which the gene improperly codes for valine instead of glutamic acid) and instances of malaria in tropical/subtropical regions. There is a link there. Essentially children and teenagers with SCD or SCT are immune to malarial parasites which, before medical advances in malaria-rich regions, allowed them to survive TO reproductive age. Now of course the HbS mutation has been spread around so much (it is one of the most common genetic disorders) that it is common even outside of regions where malaria is a threat. Also, because of medical advances, SCD/SCT patients nowadays often live PAST reproductive age (in the last 30 years, the average lifespan of an SCD patient has increased from 14 years to 45ish years). This longer lifespan increases possibility of reproduction and therefore the continued spread of the mutation to future generations. Of course this is a common risk factor with any genetic mutation, but it's interesting to think that when we are trying to "help" patients who suffer from Sickle Cell, what we are actually doing is enabling the mutation and messing with the science of natural selection/survival of the fittest. Obviously I'm not advocating ending medical treatment for SCD/SCT patients, but it is an interesting dilemma nonetheless. In nature, mutations persist because they have an advantage of some sort. In recent history there has been no medical advantage to Sickle Cell Disease, yet it persists because we allow it to.
Just a few thoughts.
Tomorrow I am giving a 30-minute lecture on this topic in my molecular biology class. I'm really nervous because there is so much information to cover in such a short time period... it's just a complex issue. The physiological impact of this relationship is kind of... confusing? I guess.
Blah blah blah.

Came across this passage a couple of days ago in my quiet time. It's the first time I've read it in years, and maybe the first time I've actually thought about what it means.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails." -1 Cor 13:5-8

I wonder how many times I've told people I've loved them without really thinking about what love means. I'm impatient. I am envious, I am too proud to share my true feelings, I am mean to the people I care about. I get angry too often. I don't trust easily and I lose trust quickly. A lot of the time, I feel like giving up on people because they aren't meeting my expectations.
Is that love? Because it really doesn't sound like it...

The next time I say it, I really want it to be true.

some of my more serious (and intelligent?) thoughts...

Lately I haven't had a lot of time to write. I've been busy with school, moving, and all of this dumb medical stuff. So I figured I'd take the chance right now to write out some stuff while I take a break from working on my film glossary (ahhhh shoot me now!!!! I hate this project).
I don't particularly enjoy writing for writing's sake. Honestly, I would much rather sit down and have a good conversation about the things that are on my mind. But, since that is kind of an impossibility at the moment, blogging it is...

Recently one of my friends returned from a study abroad in Russia. Talking with him about his experiences there has been incredibly interesting to me. Over the past couple of months I have had Russia on the brain quite a bit. It has one of the highest incarceration rates in the world, and due to the overcrowding of prisons it is incredibly common for prisoners to become ill while serving their sentences (most of which are for bogus crimes... police officers in Russia are corrupt and the legal system does not work as it should). Unfortunately, one of the illnesses that has come up repeatedly is tuberculosis... a specific strain of it that is resistant to all known forms of antibiotics. This Supertuberculosis strain is literally ravaging Russian prisons, and as yet there is no known cure.
I can't get this situation out of my mind. Antibiotic resistance is a scary thing... mostly because our response is to manufacture more drugs and perpetuate the adaptation of viruses/bacteria. This isn't the proper way to react to the circumstances, but we don't really have any other options. The more we introduce antibiotics into our society the more dangerous and deadly these diseases become.
Anyway... Woody describes Russia as a place you go for the experience, not for a vacation. I don't think he really enjoyed his trip there, but he obviously learned a lot. It shook up his world view a bit, to be sure. It's shaking up mine just to hear about it. I have been praying about Russia as a potential future destination, perhaps after school...?
Since I've been in art school, I've been learning that I am probably not as good at art as I was hoping. Actually, I have been increasingly interested in science, specifically biology, human anatomy, physiology and biomechanics, and medical research. Lately I've been doing some light research on possible degrees in these fields. I am considering double majoring, possibly in biology or a related field? In terms of practical application, I think it would be a good idea to get some kind of medical training, maybe as a nurse or physician's assistant. I want whatever I am doing in school to be something I can apply to my future plans. I would love to have the knowledge and equipment to practice medicine in foreign countries, so that I can actually help the people I am going to serve in a more tangible way. Film is an excellent medium and I have not lost interest in it or faith in its potential power, but I don't want to be another American who shows up, takes pictures, and leaves without providing any kind of physical/emotional relief from suffering.
The problem is, I still don't enjoy school. Any kind of schooling... I never really have. So already I'm looking into (potentially) another 4 years of school, which does NOT sound exciting to me, save the final accomplishment of a nursing/biology degree.
Anyway, that's just something I'm turning over in my mind.

Finally, I've been re-reading some of my favorite books lately. I read Siddhartha earlier this week, and now I'm getting into Crime and Punishment again (Dostoeyevsky is an astounding writer). I have a really strong appreciation for classic literature... anything that demands my respect or makes me think. Crime and Punishment has always been one of my favorite books. My copy is totally battered and notated.... anyway, I picked it up earlier this week and got into it again, and it's been weird re-reading some of what I wrote and seeing how I reacted to it at different stages of my life. I treat my favorite books like journals... I'll write or draw in the margins to express what I'm thinking... which is why it's really fun to re-read them later. When I first read Crime I was incredibly depressed, and I remember having some really dark thoughts. Some of the things I thought or saw in my mind scared even me. Today I came across the following passage:
"In a morbid condition of the brain, dreams often have a singular actuality, vividness and extraordinary semblance of reality. At times monstrous images are created, but the setting and the whole picture are so truthlike and filled with details so delicate, so unexpected, but so artistically consistent, that the dreamer... could never have invented them in the waking state. Such sick dreams always remain long in the memory and make a powerful impression on the overwrought and deranged nervous system."
I am reminded of Van Gogh, Woolf, Tolstoy, Michaelangelo, Beethoven etc. So many great artists wrought beauty from their weakness and, in some cases, insanity. I think this purely emotional response, although sometimes unsettling, is what makes the difference between good and great art. There is an intesnity all of these artists exuded that is virtually unmatched by anyone in history.

I don't feel like stopping, even though I have already said way more than I intended to (no one is going to read this entire blog... but oh well, I am just going to pretend).
I'm going to sleep now... forget the film glossary. Ugh.

[EDIT: took out the snakes on a plane trailer... that was for you, troy... and to shield us from further retardation by exposure to this crap]

There are no words to describe how I feel about this.

been holding off on this for a while so i can think it through. but, this is the announcement:

I AM MOVING.

Finally. Colie has already found somewhere else to live, so she will be moving out within the next 10 days. I paid rent to the end of June, which completes my one month notice. But I am already on my way out. I'm moving back into my parents' house, at least for the next term. I am taking summer classes July-September, and then I don't know what. Taking the fall term off, and maybe more. It just depends. I get really depressed in the winter (haha... more than my usual whiny-artist self) and have a hard time focusing on schoolwork. The months leading up to Christmas are the worst. So I am just ging to take my break in the fall instead of the summer. What I really want to do is get out of Portland, move somewhere new, and take some time to relax/recharge. I have an idea of where I want to go already... but not what I want to do, and not how long I will be there. But I think it would be good for me to get away.

calendar of events for june.

(i can't sleep)

June 15th. That is just two weeks from today, and that is when school gets out at OSU, and probably at the Art Institute, too. (It's interesting that I know their schedule and not my own, huh?) June 15th means Matt comes home. I forgot how much I miss him. With everyone coming home it has been hard, we have all changed quite a bit, and I forgot what these relationships were like. Super emotional. Now I remember that the reason I held it all together with so many hard friendships was because I always had Matt to talk things through with. To decompress. I am looking forward to having that stability again. Oh my gosh, I freaking love and miss this kid. TWO WEEKS.

June 17th. TODDY'S BIRTHDAY! He is turning 23. According to Todd, if you are not an adult by the time you are 23, you are a jackass. So basically over the next two weeks, the man has a ton of maturing to do... ;) juuuuust kiiidding. i love you, buddy.

June 18th. Father's day. I have no idea what my father wants for father's day, but I'm guessing socks. He has asked for that every year for as long as I can remember, so I doubt this will be any different. Anyway... it is what it is. Happy Father's day to everyone.

June 19th. MY LITTLE SISTER TURNS 15. Yikes. She is getting old, and I'm not sure I like it. 15 is a big deal. That means she can drive... and... well I can't really think of anything else you can do at 15, but, yeah. I'm just glad it's not 16. In my family you can date at 16. So pretty much that is where the downward spiral begins. I do not know what to get my sister for her birthday. She is basically the most amazing gift-giver in the history of gift-giving. And I SUCK at it. I never know what to make or buy people. I end up usually getting them dumb stuff that they don't want. But Becca always makes me the coolest stuff. I think I will probably end up making her something, but I'm not sure what yet. It's going to take a lot of planning and plenty of time for the execution, which is why brainstorming begins today. If you have any suggestions feel free to submit them in writing and they will be considered, although you will not receive any credit once i steal your idea.

this is for you. you know who you are.

Troubled, Siddhartha looked into his friendly face, in the many wrinkles in which there was incessant cheerfulness.
 "How could I part with him?" he said quietly, ashamed. "Give me some more time, my dear! See, I'm fighting for him, I'm seeking to win his heart, with love and with friendly patience I intend to capture it."
Vasudeva's smile flourished more warmly...
"You don't force him... because you know that 'soft' is stronger than 'hard', water stronger than rocks, love stronger than force. But aren't you mistaken in thinking that you wouldn't force him...? Don't you shackle him with your love? Don't you make it even harder on him with your kindness and patience?... Isn't he forced... by all this?"
… Siddhartha…went troubled into the hut, and could not sleep for a long time. Vasudeva had told him nothing he had not already thought and known for himself. But this was a knowledge he could not act upon, stronger than the knowledge was his love... stronger was his tenderness, his fear to lose him. Had he ever lost his heart so much to something, had he ever loved any person thus-- blindly... sufferingly... unsuccessfully... and yet happily?... Indeed, he had never been able to lose or devote himself completely to another person, to forget himself, to commit foolish acts for the love of another person; never had he been able to do this, and this was, as it had seemed to him at that time, the great distinction which set him apart from the [ordinary] people. But now, …Siddhartha had also become [an ordinary] person, suffering for the sake of another person, loving another person, lost to a love, having become a fool on account of love. Now he too felt... this strongest and strangest of all passions, suffered from it, suffered miserably, and was nevertheless in bliss, was nevertheless renewed.

I seriously think I am losing it.

... I am such a woman. I am more than slightly ashamed of this story, but oh well. It's just been one of those days.
So this morning I was actually in tears because I could not find a pair of pants that fit. And I had misplaced my belt. I spent at least 20 minutes looking for the belt, and could not find it. So I cried. Then, I threw up (not because of the crying, but because I have been nauseous lately and unable to keep food down... whatever). Then, I got dressed and headed off to my meeting with pants that were literally falling off of me every time I stood up. And I felt gross. And a little like crying.
After dealing with my nausea for a couple of hours, I finally just left my meeting, called the doctor and went into the office to get checked out. I had an appointment for Thursday but... I haven't kept a meal down in several days, and I can't wait that long. I am sooooo tired and hungry and crappy feeling.
The doctor said he can't switch my medicine (he switched me off of the other one because of the weight loss thing, and he was hoping my body would do better on this one) because not enough time has passed yet to see if I will get used to it. UGH. So he gave me pills for my nausea and sent me on my way, with a "if you're still throwing up on thursday, come back in to the office." Uhhh... ok?

medical problems?

I know for most people weight is primarily a cosmetic issue. I mean, sure, there are health issues attached to it, but the majority of people judge their body based on feeling; they FEEL too fat or too skinny, and that is what drives them to change-- exercise, diet, whatever.
I'm not going to pretend like I'm any different from anyone else. Of course I am self-concious about how I look. I could probably stand to lose a few pounds and that has been true for as long as I can remember. But I don't think, based on conversations I have had over the past few years, that it is as important to me as it is to most women. I rarely notice physical changes in myself until other people point them out to me. I don't expect to be the most beautiful woman in the world, and I am pretty satisfied with the way I look. It's good enough for me.
Okay, so that was basically just a preface to what I'm about to say now. I have been losing weight. For a while now, and not on purpose. In fact, I have been trying pretty hard to maintain my weight and it is dropping anyway.
This concerns me-- from a medical standpoint. Last December I found out I have a blood problem and I started taking meds for it. That was when I started losing weight. At first my doctor said it was just a normal side effect, and I wasn't losing very much or very fast, so it wasn't a big deal, and my body would get used to it and even out eventually. But lately it has been getting more noticeable, and faster. Which isn't right. If my activity level and food intake has stayed the same, there is no reason for me to have been losing wieght.
The thing is, technically, I'm not in any medical danger. This isn't actually a real problem yet. So far, I am just losing my extra fat. And on a cosmetic level, that doesn't bother me. In fact... let it happen. I would love to lose a few pounds. Why not?
BUT. I am a little worried about what this means. It shouldn't be happening, and we can't get it to stop. So say it goes on for a few more months, or a year, or a couple years? Then it will be a real problem. And I will just keep on getting sicker that whole time.
Anyway. Being sick is frustrating me. I don't know what to do. And this isn't even worth whining about yet, but I'll admit it's been bugging me for at least a month now. And I have really complicated and mixed feelings about it.

yesterday i felt better but today i feel awful

dear mr. roth,
you seem like a very nice person, and i am glad that you are interested in reading my blog. and yes i read yours, and you are very funny. however since i don't know you there is actually no way for me to judge whether or not you will hunt me down and kill me if i become your friend on facebook. i am not saying you will do this, i am just saying i can't know for sure, and the internet is a dangerous place. How do i know that if i tell you my name you won't find me and hack me to pieces? you never know about internet people, right? =)
love,
me

also, another thing for today is that i want one of those graphic tablets so i can draw things into my blog instead of writing them. i think that would be easier. if anyone has a million dollars (of me and ashby money, which is really only around $250 of real money) and would like to buy me one i'm all for it. better yet, build me a time machine so i can go back to the time of cro-magnon man, where they didn't even have words and just communicated in grunts and pictures. i would be better than everyone else, and everybody would love me because i would always know the perfect thing to say(/grunt/draw).
a scanner would also do the trick.




p.s. some things i really do want, maybe for my birthday???:
-the human brain documentary series from opb (it goes from infant brain to adult brain... genius. it is a masterpiece)
-an anatomy textbook, with lots of pictures and diagrams. and maybe a fake human skeleton to go with it. one that i can take apart and re-assemble if i feel like it, and maybe hide in my roommate's bed to freak her out (if she ever comes home).
-an oscillating fan. yes the oscillating part is pretty important, because it moves cool air all around the room, instead of just in one direction...
-pants that fit. or, a better belt.

on the subject of losing close friends

i feel like some of my friends are letting me go.
i'm not going to pretend it doesn't suck or hurt really, really bad.
i'm also not going to pretend i don't wonder what i did wrong or how to fix it, because i would give anything in the world for these people to value me as much as i value them.
on the other hand, there are circumstances in which relationships fail.
i can't always fix it,
and sometimes, it really is my fault.

one of my biggest insecurities has to do with my own emotions. i don't know how to share them with people in a way that doesn't overwhelm them or drive them away. i am painfully aware of how unattractive and trivial my drama is to other people. i really spend the majority of energy in my relationships 1) assessing whether or not i can trust people with my shit, 2) trying to spill it in a controlled and sane manner so i won't scare them away, 3) letting go in super intense and frustrated outbursts of insecurity/pain, 4) subsequently worrying that i really am driving them away by all of my stupid, childish behavior.

When I start to trust people enough that I lay my shit on them, I do it knowing that eventually they will say, "I have had enough," and walk away. The question is usually when, how long, how much will they take before they get bored and tired and overwhelmed and just give up?

the point is, i see people pulling away, and now it is my move, and rather than trying harder to get back what i've lost, maybe it's time to just let go. move on. free them of my high expectations and demands for unconditional love.
it hurts. more than i know how to express- i feel very alone right now. but i think god will provide that kind of relationship in time, when i have gained the maturity required to maintain it.

rough stuff

I don't really know how to express everything that I am thinking right now. I feel like too much is happening for me to explain. Hahaha... this is how I get when I am overwhelmed by emotions.
Anyway... it is a mixture of good and bad. I am heartbroken over some of the things that have happened recently, but I am learning a lot about God through all of this, and learning to rely on people who will build me up.
Don't really know what to say besides that. I feel like I owe an explanation but I don't have one. Too hard to find words. So, that is all I'll say for now.

my heart hurts

no. i lied

i'm not done procrastinating yet.
i am preemptively stressed about this weekend.
there is a memorial service for my friend caities dad tomorrow morning
i hate memorial services (when my mike died, i skipped the memorial service. i remember my excuse too... i told my mom that i had to be in my anatomy class that day or i would fail the final/flunk the class. ... but i don't think i went to anatomy. i think i got stoned instead.)

also. formal party thing tomorrow night
i am supposed to wear a fancy dress (which i don't have)
i am too shy for parties.

bio/scriptwriting

I have a huge biology paper due today. I'm really not looking forward to typing it but it must be done. I'm trying to warm up my brain by writing in here.
My scriptwriting class last night was amazing. Turned in scene 3, got back scene 2. Alex helped me calm down about the pace of my story and got me back on track. I am starting to get a little unsure of myself. I need to write a lot faster and my story is really complex. Sometimes I feel like I don't have a handle on it.
The best part was a conversation I had with Jackie (she is my teacher). I was asking her if there was a way to get more experience writing features. There are only two Script classes at my school and the 2nd is for short films. The thing is I feel like I have a surprisingly good handle on this kind of writing. It comes pretty naturally and my characters take on a life of their own really fast.
Anyway, Jackie told me independent studies are available every term and she could help me out in the fall if I take advanced scriptwriting with her. She also told me I am a good writer and that she would like to work with me more.
That is the best compliment coming from Jackie, because she actually works in the field and has for years. She is an extremely good writer. I'm kind of in love with her. Everyone in DMP is. She's a genius.
Anyway it felt good to hear that from her. And to get feedback from Eli and Alex. I have a lot of work to do the next couple weeks. I get to have a private conference with Jackie next week. So excited.

Okay... on to bio. Ugh, I am totally dreading this. This class is completely kicking my ass right now. I have a huge presentation due in three weeks and I can't even begin to wrap my mind around it... I somehow got stuck as group leader and now everyone seems to be looking to me for direction. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO PULL THIS OFF IN THREE WEEKS. I have too much on my plate. Yeah, I am going to figure out some way to do it, but I can already tell this is going to be a pain in the ass.
Okay... I am done writing for real. Off to do my homework.

words, because that's how everyone else communicates things

I am pretty discouraged this week, in case you can't tell. There are a lot of reasons I can think of for this feeling, none of which are particularly good reasons. But that doesn't really change the fact that I feel crappy. And when I feel crappy I spend a lot more time drawing and painting. And when I do more drawing and painting I also write more. I've been told this will help me communicate better.
People tell me all the time I am fine at communicating but I don't feel like I am. Maybe I can find a way to express little tiny things in ways other people can understand, but I feel like the majority of my thoughts and feelings are way too complex to explain. Usually I talk circles around an issue and end up hitting on about 10% of what I feel like is important. Interestingly enough, this seems to be a good amount for other people, so maybe it is just me who feels inadequate. It could be that all the other things I think are not socially relevant. The question then is why do I want so badly to express them? And why am I so disappointed when I can't?
Right now I am in therapy. Art therapy, actually. For my grief. It is interesting. I have this assignment each week where I draw how I am feeling and then I have to write a page explaining it. I am surprised at some of the stuff that comes out of my head. Some of it is so abstract that I can't even THINK of words.
I know a lot of people think art therapy is dumb. My own best friend laughed at me when I told him about it. That hurt. I guess I can understand why people think that, but it's really hard to hear. It is the way I think and process things. It is hard to do that otherwise.
I guess I am just frustrated because I feel like I can never explain myself directly-- it has to be THROUGH something else, like a drawing or action or words someone else has written where I can just point out-- "hey, this applies to me." When people tell me they don't think art is important (which they do, quite often), it feels like they are saying, "your ideas and your personality are not important." Like many things, I realize that is probably not what they mean, but that is so much how it feels.

The older I get and the more I understand myself the more I realize how distanced I am from other people. It is a very sad feeling and I wish there was something I could do to change it.

That may seem very eloquent to you but I spent about an hour drawing it before I wrote a single word. And I'm leaving so much out. It is starting to make sense to me why artists are generally interpreted as independent, selfish and misanthropic.

the downside to being a dumb teenager: LUST

Through the cracked window
the sighs of night air
brush through the shades.
i am alone,
except for the images of you
that stain my mind
like dark red wine on a tablecloth.
you look in my eyes
and you see this filth,
it has formed the bricks of our great wall,
corroded the stones of our grand canyon,
angered the tides of our red sea.
now, looking back,
i am ashamed to admit:
i knew the darkness when it came.
i knew it in the warmth of your hand
as you touched my cheek,
or pressed your lips to my ear
and whispered--
---well...
something you could never mean.
and i, being so empty,
could not bring myself to care.

weeks later,
i have forgotten what drove me to be so childish,
to auction off a friend i valued
for cheap kisses and empty sentiments.
tonight, my heart burns to share with you
my love for the lips that speak wisdom when i'm lost,
the hands that protect me when i'm afraid,
the cheeks that bear my tears
when i am too proud to bear them alone.
and, if i traded these away so quickly,
i would just as soon take them back
--i would take it ALL back.

real things i think, and why i sometimes kick myself for thinking them

[excerpt from a letter to rick]

"...it's stupid, really, but i can't move forward. i feel stuck, like i've got a set of weights tied to my ankles, dragging me down. It's more than just the loss of someone important, someone who i loved and cared about. To be honest, that happens to me every day. I have such a capacity for love that I can love anyone. I could fall in love right now, probably, and get married and settle down, and for my part be a loyal, faithful, loving spouse. for the rest of my life.
the problem is not that, i don't think. what i feel like i lost is someone who really LOVED ME. I feel like i lost the only person (besides my family, of course) who will ever really care enough to figure me out, to know how i tick. i loved that feeling that i didn't even have to say anything because he knew it already. i loved how we'd go to restaurants and he'd order for me because he knew what i wanted. i loved him finishing my sentences and anticipating my stupid quirks. i loved how he kept a blanket on the back of his couch even in the summer because he knew i'd always want it. i loved how he would hold my hand when we were with his friends, because he knew i felt shy and awkward. i miss feeling like i can just be myself, like i can fucking cry if i want to, like i can say anything and not be worried that people are getting bored or annoyed with me. or tired of my drama.
it's those stupid little things that i miss, the kind of things he would notice when no one else would. i can't explain how much it meant to me just to be understood by someone. and not effortlessly the way your family knows you from years of experience... but intentionally, from observation, from paying attention to all my ugliness and flaws and finding a way to turn it into something good and healthy.
honestly, rick, that is the answer to your question. that is what "haunts me". i am absolutely certain i will, at some point, fall in love again. in fact in the time since i lost mike there have already been people in my life who i've loved intensely. i've dated plenty of people. i am not worried about my heart moving on. i am ready.
what i have learned, though, is that loving someone, no matter how much or how deeply, does not make them love you in return. they may value you, want friendship, want a relationship, want all of these things. they may even say they love you or claim to understand you. but i know the difference in my heart.
so i guess all of that to say what i am really afraid of is that no one will ever love me. i don't blame them and i don't really expect them to, but it makes me wonder what is the point? what is the point of opening up to people if they really don't understand and really don't care to? if they don't have the capacity or put forth the effort this whole thing gets pointless so damn fast.
i really just want to feel that someone, anyone, has made an effort to figure me out. i mean REALLY understand me, and without my having to force it, or explain it, or whatever.
is that too high of an expectation?
it's an honest question... i really don't know. you started the conversation. and you're supposed to be the wise one. so YOU tell ME."

INFJ

Just some quotes--- things I read about my personality type. These are mostly about how my type relates to others. If you know me they will probably make you smile because of how true they are. I feel a little silly putting so much stock in a personality test... but it's so right!

(Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging)

Comprises 1% (or less) of the population, making it the most rare of the 16 types.

-In conflict, INFJs tend to waver between expression and repression. They are very sensitive to correction and conflict and are often discouraged or disillusioned by disagreements.
-Shy and reserved, INFJs may be read as cold or judgemental, but they are geniunely warm and caring people who value interpersonal relationships and have an incredible depth of emotion.
-INFJs will judge the outcome of their decisions before they have made them, and act for the desired result.
-In close, trusting relationships INFJs are capable of being sincere and open-- but usually on their own terms. They will share what they want, how and when they choose to, and nothing more.
-Trust is of the utmost importance to an INFJ. Because of this, they will shut down as soon as they begin to feel uncomfortable or insecure.
-INFJs long for the perfect relationship- both with lovers and friends. They are good friends themselves and expect as much from others. Because of their high expectations they can be often and easily disappointed. Intensely loyal, they seek lifelong relationships, and a true connection is of the utmost value to an INFJ.
-Because they are easily misunderstood by other types (and because this feeling is incredibly painful for an INFJ), they tend to be quiet and withdrawn. They are deep and complex, and typically difficult to understand. They can seem unpredictable to those who do not know them very well.
-Above all else, their desire is to be understood and valued as they are. This hunger of the INFJ is rarely satisfied due to their secretive nature. Successful relationships with INFJs require intentional interest in core values, religious beliefs (if they have them), and thought processes. Expressing interest in these things assures an INFJ that they are loved and valued, the way they love and value others.

oops.

so i forgot about matt's birthday (it was friday) and HE called ME, and when i called him back i just said I was too busy to talk and I would call him when I got a chance. Now it is sunday night and I still haven't called him back, and just now his girlfriend sent me a message reminding me that he misses me and wants me to call him. and that i forgot his birthday. on top of that she said that when i did call him i should not tell him about our conversation. which means probably that he got upset and told her about how crappy of a friend i am. and she knows that the best thing to do is for him to believe that i actually cared/remembered, when in fact i didn't.
so anyway. i feel guilty now. i am a bad friend.

awful

i went and saw a horrible horrible play- oklahoma. it sucked. it sucked so much that even though my cousin was in it i left during intermission. even getting to intermission was torture. torture on a "slowly breaking every bone in your body" kind of level. it's not that the acting or singing or dancing or sets or script or songs were bad. it's that they were awful. AWFUL. I wanted to tear out my eyeballs and use them as earplugs.

my cousin did a good job though.


also, this formal thing: got a date, don't got a dress. thinking of ditching the date. dates are free and easy to find... but dresses? that could take weeks of shopping around, and money that i simply do not have.
he is pretty cute though, so we'll see if i can figure something out.
suggestions? ashby, you up for a sewing project?
hahaha... juuuuuuust kidding. maybe.

mixed feelings

a pretty good day i guess. i talked to my brother earlier and my dad is feeling a little better. he has missed work for over a week already, so i'm hoping he feels well enough to go to the office soon. i'm sure they're hurting without him there.

i aced my computer fundamentals midterm. it was pretty hard so it felt really good. only three more to go.

also i had a pretty encouraging quiet time today. i've been working on a study about communicating with God after Justin and I had a conversation about that a couple weeks ago. there is some good stuff, and i feel a little encouraged, like maybe God hasn't completely forgotten about me the way I thought he had...

the bad things are that there is some drama going on in our church and it has been really discouraging. especially today. yikes. some things have been said that have really, really hurt my feelings. todd came and visited me today and got to hear my frustrations and i felt SOOO much better after i had talked it all out with him. i wish i could do that more because it is so much easier to explain how i feel out loud to someone like todd who knows me really well and can fill in the blanks, vs. trying to say a bunch of stuff to a computer screen where people don't really know me as well as i would like and things are often misread. im way too sensitive for this mode of communication.

the other thing is i'm having so much trouble sleeping, as evidenced by the fact that it is nearly 5am and i am writing a stupid blog instead of sleeping... I think maybe this has something to do with all the stress, first about my dad, then the midterms, and now church... ahhh! i would like to sleep longer than an hour at night without waking up worried about something. it's not a good feeling.

my dad

i guess he has viral pneumonia. my family is not doing a good job of keeping me updated. i talked to him on the phone today and he seemed pretty sick. todd and nate and i went to visit and he was looking better, but after nate left his temp spiked again. he is changing meds again, but there is not really much the doctors can do besides the whole trial-and-error process. it bugs me that with all our technology there is nothing they can do to make him feel better or get better any faster.
i probably worry too much, but i don't like that it's been a whole week and he is just getting worse.

also i have midterms starting tomorrow. i'm a little unprepared, so this week might be semi-crazy. and so far i am stuck on my screenplay, the next scene of which is due on thursday night. stuck as in, i have one word written.

scary

My dad has been super sick all week and last night his fever spiked again; he had to go to the hospital around 10pm to get checked out to make sure everything was ok. I had to leave and didn't hear from my family until late this morning... looks like he is going to be ok although the doc still doesn't know for sure what's wrong. He's on a new type of med though so hopefully he will be feeling better in the next couple of days. If not they say there are a couple more meds they can try before they know for sure that it's something bigger. I have never seen him this sick before, so it's kind of freaky.

brianna came home from college today...

and oh my gosh... i freaking love her.

enough said.

A nice way to end a long week...

It feels like the longest day ever. Color theory today was the longest 4 hours of my life. We studied the physics of color theory, linear perspective, social connotations, etc. And colored pencils. I drew a mango. If it wasn't for Eli I might have had a mental breakdown... Cynthia is never going to give me an A no matter how hard I work. lame.

I forgot about Cinco De Mayo, but it turned out to be an ok night. Noah had a barbecue on the roof of our building (he is my buddy who lives across the hall). It is so beautiful up there in the evening when you can see the whole city. The sunset and everything. It was fun. (some cute older guys, too... haha. and i am sooooo smooth. i have flirting down to a science, i swear.)
After that we went to this lady's house who makes/sells custom art tiles. They were really cool. It was one of those rich "art snob" parties... I guess now that we're "artists" we've earned our way into their social circle. But, really, I had a good time. We hung out and talked about tiles and everybody else drank margaritas while I drank root beer. Yum. (I was DD. Not that I was going to drink anyway, but that is not my favorite job. It is wonderful being 18 when all my friends are like, 25... but anyway, that's a seperate issue.)
Then up to Council Crest to hang out for a bit. Got lost and took a long detour. Then home.

ANYWAY. On a more important note...
As it turns out, I spoke too soon about my dad being ok. He got incredibly sick this week. He is running a temp of 102.7 and above, and has been for a couple days now. I came home to bring him some movies and make sure he is ok. He has to preach on Sunday and as of right now I would say that might not happen.
It's only 12 but I'm exhausted... I have to work in the morning... I have a lot more to say but I will save it I guess.

Hope everyone else had a good night!

scene 1: suicide, three years prior

This is the first scene of my movie. As a warning to anyone who is planning on reading this... it has some language, so, if that bothers you, don't...
The formatting is wrong because I had to paste it straight from Final Draft. But it's all there. I think.

1




IN BLACK:

As the credits roll, we can just barely distinguish the sound of a police siren over banging, shouting and loud sobbing. At first it is barely audible, but becomes loud very quickly, and we can distinguish separate voices. A MALE POLICE OFFICER and his FEMALE PARTNER are attempting to reason with DEVIN, who is in hysterics and refuses to open the door.

MALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
Ma’am! MA’AM! You need to open the door right now!

There is a loud banging and a crash sounds from behind the locked door.

DEVIN (V.O.)
Wake up, you bastard! WAKE UP!

There is another crash.

DEVIN (V.O.)
Get the fuck up!

FEMALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
Calm down, ma’am. We need you to open the door.
There is a pause and then a loud thump. Sobbing erupts from behind the door.

DEVIN (V.O.)
Oh, god… Oh god, oh god, OH GOD!
(beat) …BREATHE, GODDAMNIT!

FEMALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
(to partner)
Prepare to force entry.
(to Devin)
We’re entering the house.

DEVIN (V.O.)
(sobbing violently)
Wait! It’s my boyfriend…

2




FEMALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
(to partner)
On three.

DEVIN (V.O.)
He’s not breathing. Eric… oh god! Wake up!

FEMALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
One.

DEVIN (V.O.)
Why won’t you just wake up?

FEMALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
Two.

There is the sound of breaking glass from inside the apartment.

FEMALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
Three.

There is a loud bang and the creak of busting wood as the door gives way and the two police officers force their way into the apartment.

MALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
Police! Ma’am, are you hurt?

DEVIN
(Sobs quietly throughout the interaction between officers)

FEMALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
Oh god.
(on radio)
Officer Brown requesting two paramedic units to 104 College Street. A male and female, both around age 20, male is unconscious… looks like a suicide attempt...

MALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
(quietly, to partner)
There’s no pulse. He’s probably been dead for hours.

FEMALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
(to partner)
What about her?

3




DEVIN (V.O.)
(coughing, sobbing… quietly)
It’s my boyfriend. I don’t think…

MALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
Calm down, ma’am. You’re going to be alright.

The RADIO sputters and on the other end a female dispatcher confirms that paramedic units are on their way.

FEMALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
(to partner)
The paramedics will be here soon. Can you try and stop that bleeding?

DEVIN (V.O.)
He won’t wake up…

The audio gradually begins to fade out here as the police officers continue their conversation with Devin.

MALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
Calm down. Relax. Can you tell me what happened to your boyfriend?

DEVIN (V.O.)
I think... (she trails off)

FEMALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
You need to tell us what happened.

FADE IN:

INT. APARTMENT- EARLY MORNING, THREE YEARS LATER

DEVIN lies awake in her bed, staring straight up at the ceiling. You can still hear the audio from the previous scene. She mouths the words as it fades out completely and is replaced by the sounds of the morning commute taking place in the city outside her window.

DEVIN
I think my boyfriend’s dead.

There is a long pause as the audio picks up. Devin lies there, motionless and expressionless. Soon, the alarm clock goes off, signaling 5:45 AM. She listens to it for several seconds before finally rolling over to turn it off.

The Plan:

I have recently become quite passionnate about the lack of current events education in public schools. It bothers me that global emergencies like HIV/AIDS, the war in Northern Uganda, hospital conditions in Moldova, orphanages in Romania can go completely undetected by the younger generation because there is no education system in place for that information. If it is up to the children to tackle the problems of our future they need to know what those problems are. They need to be concerned about life on a global scale. That needs to start at an early age.
Ask me more about this. I will gladly tell you how I feel.
In the meantime, this is the plan I have developed to conquer this issue (because I can't take care of it myself):

kagemusha911 (1:09:25 AM): theres been a lot of news converage on the conflict in darfur
kagemusha911 (1:09:28 AM): on the genocide there
kagemusha911 (1:09:36 AM): a little late though
audioangel2 (1:10:04 AM): well,
audioangel2 (1:10:09 AM): that's how the media works
audioangel2 (1:10:29 AM): it doesn't cover problems for which there are no solution or end in sight
audioangel2 (1:11:08 AM): if you decide to become a teacher instead,
audioangel2 (1:11:19 AM): please campaign for a better current events curriculum
audioangel2 (1:11:23 AM): it's so important.
kagemusha911 (1:11:30 AM): thats why im gonna be a cop
audioangel2 (1:11:52 AM): yeah
audioangel2 (1:12:08 AM): i would like to follow through on all of my convictions but that would take more than one lifetime
kagemusha911 (1:12:27 AM): i believe it
audioangel2 (1:12:50 AM): i guess i will have to leave the current events curriculum to somebody else
audioangel2 (1:13:00 AM): i wrote a strongly worded letter to senator smith about it
kagemusha911 (1:13:12 AM): oh really?
kagemusha911 (1:13:22 AM): that would have been fun to read
kagemusha911 (1:13:28 AM): havbe you gotten a response?
audioangel2 (1:13:34 AM): no
audioangel2 (1:13:43 AM): i just mailed it
kagemusha911 (1:13:46 AM): whend you send it?
kagemusha911 (1:13:48 AM): i see
audioangel2 (1:14:01 AM): on sat.
audioangel2 (1:14:06 AM): i bet he doesn't read it
audioangel2 (1:14:15 AM): i'm going to keep writing until i get a response.
kagemusha911 (1:14:19 AM): good
audioangel2 (1:14:39 AM): a letter a week
kagemusha911 (1:14:54 AM): atta girl

sweet site

http://www.lastfm.com

for music... it automatically reads the music you are listening to on your computer and then scans for similar bands/artists.

sick.

My whole family is sick (except for my dad, so far he is okay). There have been some whispers about mono. I really hope that's not it, but who knows. Mono would not be good... for any of us, but me especially...

Anyway, the point is, we don't feel good.

SCREEN TEAM

last few days have been crazy. school every moment. friend tony got alcohol poisoning, got his stomach pumped last night. he is ok. prayer would be nice (not that it seems to do a lot, lately).
homework load getting intense. screen team (alex + eli + i) working nonstop on ideas. they are talented. i admire them a lot. alex is hilarious, eli is one of those sensitive writer types, but good sense of humor. we make a solid team. ideas getting better from bouncing them off the boys nonstop. molecular bio, scriptwriting, color theory back to back. too much reading. this was my last day of classes until next wed. it is good to have a break. writing first scene of my screenplay, script for my bio movie. scientific research on the correlation between SCA and malaria. unicode makes me want to scream.
school is having spring formal event for the apparel majors. of course we are all invited. community stuff is rare so people are talking. it is a promotional thing like everything the Ai does. but fun still.
dmp majors are pretty elitist. find a lot of people who think like me. i have missed the guys. within our major we know each other really well. like a family almost. me, erin, and about 40 guys. have been hanging out a lot more lately. do this nerdy friday thing at cin 21. screenings. with all of us. good times.
i am so exhausted and tied up in school. thank god for the break. i'm getting stressed.
ash invited me to sunriver with the petersons and sanders this weekend. i said no but i wish i would have said yes. i wanted to do the night commute and i had class and i wanted to hear my dad preach. but im really craving some downtime...
worst post ever, i know. so busy i don't even think in complete sentences anymore.
augh
i need sleep.

dane cook

He is my hero. Honestly, the man is a friggin genius. I just want you to understand his talent. So I am going to give you a chance to experience the wonder through the following clip:
(As a warning I will say that Dane Cook is a very offensive man. I don't find this video offensive, but you might, so don't blame me if you don't like what you see.)



... Your move, Holy Man.

eat your bananas!

They are a good source of potassium which aids in muscle contraction and in maintaining the proper fluid and electrolyte levels in your body. Potassium deficiencies can lead to muscle cramps, so make sure you get enough!

all of the things i'm most afraid of have a way of coming out

There has been a lot on my mind for a while now. Last night I finally had my story approved for my scriptwriting class, and it was a crazy/emotional process. We had to pitch our ideas to the entire class (about 25 people) and then they would chew them over, and spit them back. Sometimes ideas were totally ripped to shreds. Most of the time, though, the class would listen and say, "That doesn't work..." or "I don't see why your character would..." and then we'd spend ten minutes or so putting the idea back together, only with a more solid foundation.
What I am learning about writing a movie (or creating a story) is that it is almost obsessive. You get these characters in your head and you start to feel certain things for them. They're like real people except that YOU are in control and YOU can change them. You spend a lot of energy and a lot of time going over them, making them real, making up stories and character quirks- limps, lazy eyes, nervous ticks, bald spots-- whatever.
The point is, you start to really love your story. Which is the point I was at when I started my pitch. I knew it wasn't solid or anything, but I was in love with the basic idea and the characters.
When I threw it on the table, Jackie bit immediately. It was such a relief. She seemed impressed, and she helped me fix the ending. Since it is a character piece, the story is defined by the characters who live it... and my ending did not fit with my main character. In the end, she was supposed to commit suicide, but the main character is too strong for that. We came up with a good ending and suddenly the whole story seemed to fit together. It was a beautiful thing.
The more I think about this character, the more I love her and hate her. I understand her but I hate the way she ruins other peoples' lives; I want her to get better but I don't think she deserves all the love and understanding people show her. She throws it right back in their faces; turns their love into pain. It is a terrible thing to write, but it is a damn good character.
As I was walking home from school running over everything in my mind, I was overwhelmed by how emotionally difficult this thing will be to actually write. I relate to the character so much. I hope I am not her, but I know that one some level, I really am. I can see my family and friends in some of my characters. I see situations I've been in and pain I've felt. This scares me. Some of it I didn't realize until I started putting this story together. And I'm wondering if the people on whom I've based my characters will know who they are, and that this is how I think of them. That scares me the most.
All of this is on my mind in light of the things I have been going through lately. I can feel myself becoming really selfish in the way I interact with everyone around me. My judgement has been clouded. I can't tell the difference between doing something because I think it is the right thing to do, and doing it to protect myself from getting hurt or to serve some other selfish need. That is what I see of myself in the main character. She does things to serve herself and prevent herself from more emotional pain. On the one hand, I think guarding your heart is important, but how do you know when to stop? How do you know the difference between protecting yourself and pushing people away and causing THEM unnecessary pain?
Right now I am seeking for the answer to this question. I do not feel like I can reach a conclusion on my own. I have been praying endlessly about it. Maybe if you're reading this you can pray for me too. I don't have the wisdom to discern God's will from mine, or to obey when I am afraid of getting hurt. So pray for that.
And also pray for this scriptwriting process, because I am afraid of that, too. And Becky... I will post the storyline when I write more of it. I really appreciate your comments on my blogs. I love you and miss you a ton.

(don't worry, i took the mug)

there are people getting stoned in my living room and i have a million pages to read for class tomorrow.

sometimes i really hate my roommate.

one man's junk is another man's treasure...

At our apartment building, right inside the door there is a huge shelf on which people can put all kinds of things they don't want anymore. I pass by this shelf multiple times every day and see all the neat stuff people want to get rid of. There are board games, armchairs, clothes, dishes... all kinds of stuff. If people don't take it after a couple of days, they take it out to the trash. But it usually gets taken by someone else in the building.
When I am walking with my roommate, she never lets me pick things off The Shelf. She hates The Shelf for the same reason she hates Goodwill and garage sales. But I love The Shelf, and when I am alone, I take things. Later, when my roommate asks me about them, I rapidly change the subject of the conversation so she will not find out they are used (by someone other than me).
I am telling this story because today on The Shelf there is the best thing EVER. It is a clear mug with a Twilight Zone inscription on it. I am debating whether or not to take The Mug off The Shelf. Probably by the time I decide I want it, it will be gone. But seriously. A free Twilight Zone mug. The world is a cool place...

Also, today in my molecular biology class I learned about something really neat. It is called the "Tree of Life" and it is a website on which you can find categorized information about any living organism in the world. Biologists from all around the world contribute to it. It's amazing. check it: http://www.tolweb.org/tree/

tuesday 04.18.06

I am pretty damn miserable right now.
I know that in the real world, people often act like they're not upset when they really are. I don't understand this game. I really value emotional honesty in other people and I make a concious effort to be honest myself about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. Relationships are hard enough without lying or masking how you feel, so I choose to be honest and open. It really, really bites me in the ass a lot of the time. But at least at the end of the day if there is a miscommunication I can say that it wasn't because I was afraid to be vulnerable.

once upon a time...

a friend and I had a bad fight. He was extremely frustrated with me because he kept asking me questions that I could not answer (I have trouble communicating... in general, and especially if I'm upset). We ended our conversation on a bad note, and I felt incredibly guilty the next day. I tried multiple times to tell him how I felt but it always ended up confused and I felt like I was being too harsh. Finally I decided the best way would be to show him my favorite songs and explain why they made sense to me. So i made him a cd with all of the following songs on it and wrote out the verses that I liked and how they corresponded to how I felt right then:

1. Alien Ant Farm- Movies

2. Cake- No Phone

3. Pearl Jam- Betterman

4. Foo Fighters- Disenchanted Lullaby

5. Something Corporate- Break Myself

6. Over The Rhine- If Nothing Else

7. Elton John- Tiny Dancer

8. Death Cab For Cutie- Tiny Vessels

9. Goo Goo Dolls- Iris

10. Jimmy Eat World- Hear You Me

11. Maroon 5- Secret

12. Goo Goo Dolls- Acoustic #3

13. Red Hot Chili Peppers- My Friends

14. Pearl Jam- Nothingman

15. Johnny Cash- Hurt (Cover)

16. Radiohead- Creep

17. Bush- Glycerine



... this boy and I are no longer friends, but I still have this playlist on my computer and when I listen to it I think of him, and feel guilty. I feel bad that I couldn't explain myself better or apologise and fix our friendship or make him understand why I act the way I do. That was nearly six months ago. Today I had a similar opportunity to explain my feelings to someone and I couldn't do it properly this time either. It makes me frustrated that I have such a difficult time talking to my friends about important things.

early character descriptions

I c+p this straight from Word, it is the very beginning sketches of my character, mostly relational things. It really has less to do with her and more to do with her family and backstory... I have the character planned out much more than this in my head, it is mostly a matter of typing it out and making sure it makes sense and is a solid and interesting person...
Anyway, read on if you're interested...


(First of all, she is capable of falling in love. More than capable of it, she is obsessed with it, that is the fundamental element on which this entire story is balanced...)

FAMILY

[[She is young, probably mid-twenties. She is a talented artist but has not painted for over three years (result of a tragic event- discuss later). She is currently working at a coffee shop for a boss that she hates (he is pompous and feels the need to micromanage every aspect of her job). She is frustrated by their dealings but continues to work there despite that (not because she enjoys the coffee shop, but because she lacks the drive and determination to find a new job). ]][<—move to professional life]
CHARACTER is incredibly intelligent. She spent several years at an art college but dropped out (result of tragic event- discuss later) her junior year. When she dropped out she was working toward an art therapy major- a combination of psychology and art, and interned part-time at a counseling center to gain some experience in her field of choice.
Her family is very worried about her and it shows from the beginning of the story. She loves her family very much (especially her twin brother-- the only one she communicates with regularly and honestly) but has distanced herself from them because of their concern, especially on the part of her mother. Relationships with her parents are incredibly complex. Her father worked throughout her childhood as an investment banker. He took an interest in his daughter and tried very hard to be a good father but CHARACTER put up walls as a result of his absence. (She sees their relationship how she wants to see it rather than how it is, which is a pretty safe generalization for most of her relationships. For example, she will claim her father does not care, does not know her, and never took interest in her. The truth is none of these are true, this is just how she chose to interpret his actions.) CHARACTER has closed herself off from her father so much that he can rarely understand her needs, although he has a pretty good idea of what her personality is like. He is concerned but does not necessarily know how to express his concern, so he leaves that aspect of parenting to the mother.
The mother was a stay-at-home mom during CHARACTER’s childhood and cares deeply about her. Through observation she has grown to understand her daughter very well. During adolescence and college, she was a great source of motivation to CHARACTER because of her constant involvement in her life. She is a fantastic mother but has the tendency to smother her children. As an adult, CHARACTER has made an attempt to physically distance herself from her family, primarily as a result of her mother’s nagging (which she does with the best intentions). The more distance put between the two, the more the mother compensates by repeated phone calls, lots of worrying etc.
The twin brother is married and lives on the East coast, so he communicates with his sister mostly by phone. He is also extremely intelligent and fairly well-educated. Two years ago he graduated with a degree in Elementary education, and he is now a second-grade teacher. He met his wife in college and they were married his senior year. They have two children (twin girls, age three). After he finished school they decided to settle on the East Coast. Because of the fact that they are so far away CHARACTER has never really taken the time to get to know her sister-in-law. To her she seems bland and uninteresting, a housewife, maybe a little too ditzy to be with her brother (whom CHARACTER values very highly). She resents her sister-in-law for taking her brother away, and although she keeps in contact with him, does not interact much with the wife or kids.
As children, they were incredibly close, especially in high school. Because of their shared interests they have learned to communicate incredibly well. Brother has seemingly unlimited patience and understanding for his sister, who is often dramatic and usually completely apathetic. His optimistic yet wise advice usually falls on deaf ears, but he is satisfied with cheering her up, and doesn’t feel the need to “fix” all of her problems. Brother is also very protective when it comes to dating. CHARACTER’s last boyfriend was a close friend of his and he is still distraught over his suicide (tragic event referred to earlier). He dealt with his grief after the fact with counseling, but is still visibly distressed by discussion of the event, and even more so by his sister’s varying depression and apathy (which he believes is a direct result of the suicide).
They also have a younger sister who is extremely self-centered. She is off in her first year of college and basically lives in her own world. She also does not keep in contact with her family members unless she wants something. ???She is pregnant (and single) although she does not know this (at least at the beginning of the story)???. She is less intelligent than her older siblings, and the sister-sister relationship is strained… younger sister resents the intelligence and talent of older sister, older sister is disgusted by younger sister’s arrogance and self-centered behavior. ironically, CHARACTER views herself as superior to her younger sister which is the primary reason they do not get along.


So... tell me... what do you think? Do you want to hear her story? Should I get rid of her and start over? I guess the family is a hard place to start because it requires explaining a lot of outside events. The family themselves are pretty stock but the important thing is how they illuminate the main character and her problem... I doubt any of them will play a large role except for the brother, and maybe the mother...
Okay... feedback, readers?

what if you can't fall in love?

audioangel2 (12:53:31 AM): did you ever read brave new world?
ashbyduck (12:53:42 AM): no
audioangel2 (12:53:45 AM): okay
audioangel2 (12:54:11 AM): well, in that book, there is a character named helmoltz, and he is a genius but he is trapped in a utopian society that uses various forms of mind control
audioangel2 (12:54:24 AM): and you look at him and think, wow, he has all the potential to start a revolution
audioangel2 (12:54:42 AM): and at various points throughout the book he seems like he is really getting it. and things are going to change
audioangel2 (12:55:03 AM): and then at the end, he disappoints you and accomplishes nothing and his life does not change.
audioangel2 (12:55:15 AM): he is basically one of my favorite literary characters ever.
ashbyduck (12:55:29 AM): wow
audioangel2 (12:55:36 AM): he is basically too lazy to live up to his potential
ashbyduck (12:55:43 AM): wow
audioangel2 (12:55:44 AM): and would rather exist in misery than fight for freedom
audioangel2 (12:55:55 AM): he reminds me so much of the world.
audioangel2 (12:55:56 AM): anyway
audioangel2 (12:56:13 AM): i really want a character like that, because i think it is such a good description of what people are like
audioangel2 (12:56:20 AM): it's more true to life than movie heroes
ashbyduck (12:56:20 AM): yeah, huh
ashbyduck (12:56:24 AM): hey i have myspace comments
ashbyduck (12:56:25 AM): or something
ashbyduck (12:56:32 AM): yes. i want to read this book now.
audioangel2 (12:56:41 AM): it is really really really good.
audioangel2 (12:57:40 AM): so, i was brainstorming ways to change that character idea or adapt it
audioangel2 (12:57:50 AM): so that i'm not ripping off huxley
audioangel2 (12:57:59 AM): at least not as blatantly
audioangel2 (12:58:14 AM): what i want to do is create a character that is trying to find love
audioangel2 (12:58:34 AM): and seems close to finding it, but in the end,
ashbyduck (12:58:50 AM): bails cause it's too hard?
audioangel2 (12:58:56 AM): no
audioangel2 (12:59:16 AM): in the end, she can't fall in love
audioangel2 (12:59:51 AM): and rather than finding hope, she loses it
audioangel2 (1:00:14 AM): i think love changes people
audioangel2 (1:00:20 AM): but only if they are ready to be changed
audioangel2 (1:00:26 AM): i think love gives life meaning
audioangel2 (1:00:29 AM): so if you can't love
audioangel2 (1:00:34 AM): then does your life have no meaning?

do you give up? do you stop? are there people who really are incapable of falling in love, despite all the right circumstances? what about people who put up their OWN roadblocks for love because they are afraid of getting hurt? If you can't break them down, does that mean you stop trying? if you are too afraid to actually feel anything for someone does that mean you're lost? does it end there? do you miss out on lifes greatest adventure because you're screwed up or because you have screwed up in the past? because you have met and lost the right person? because you're numb?
but worst of all, becuase you KNOW what you're missing? doesn't that make it worse?
i don't know the answers to these questions. i'm just playing with the idea. what happens to someone who needs love so badly they can't live without it... but are incapable of feeling it?
just turning it over in my mind.

no, i don't have time for this... but i need to regroup.

Today was a rough start to a busy, emotionally charged and potentially disastrous week. (Yes, I realize Tuesday is not REALLY the beginning of the week... but whatever).
As it turns out, the Stations of the Cross have been an amazingly huge project and despite midweek conversation (on the forum) the Sacred Space Team came together this morning pretty disorganized and with a LOAD of work to do. There are about nine people who do Sacred Space (Ash, Natalie + Joel, Doug Wilken, Nate, Justin, Paul, Todd, and me). Today we came together with only five and ended up with just me, Ash, Justin and Todd. It was crazy. It was literally a 6-hour long meeting, and by the end I was totally exhausted. I am really excited that the church is going to do the Stations of the Cross, but it has been so crazy (already) trying to make it happen. Yikes. Of course we each have our own workload, but I am scrambling to get mine finished today so I won't have to worry about it the remainder of the week.
Today was really busy with other things, even AFTER our Sacred Space meeting (we got done around 1:30, and Ash and I went straight to another meeting with Chris Lindgren). We got to talk through some cool ideas for GRACEworks stuff. I want to write aobut it but I am too tired to process it well right now. So that can wait.
After that, I went and played soccer with my exboyfriend (yeah, kind of awkward). He asked me a while ago to help him coach a team this summer and I said I would. He is a very talented player so I felt pretty dumb, even though we were just doing some drills and talking about organizational stuff. I never claimed to be good at soccer, but I do like to play. We will see how this turns out.
After that, I spent the rest of the evening working on Sacred Space stuff, driving around to get the materials I needed, writing/cutting/glueing/looking up verses. I am not done yet but I am exhausted. I want to have this all to Justin in the morning so I don't have to think about it the rest of the week.
Tomorrow Mike's little brother is flying in to be with his family (for the holidays and because of April 14). I love him so much but I am really discouraged and dreading seeing him. I know this is going to suck away my time and energy when I really need it. I have meetings and class Wednesday night (my homework is not done yet- ahhh!). I have classes all afternoon and evening on Thursday (from 12:30 to 10:00pm). On Friday, thankfully, school has been canceled, but I am supposed to go to the beach with Mike's mom and brother (another thing I am really dreading. I could go on about this for quite a while). In fact, I'm not totally sure I'm even going to make it to the Good Friday gathering. I do not want this week to happen. it is so busy and I already feel like I am just barely hanging on. I do not want the added emotional burden of everything that this Friday represents (not Jesus OR mikey).
Point being, atfer tomorrow morning, I am not going to have any time to myself. Which is why I need this Sacred Space stuff done NOW. But after hours of working I don't think I can focus anymore. I'm exhuasted. It's nearly 1:30am. Maybe I can finish it in the morning...
=( I can't put into words how discouraged I am thinking about the next three days. I am praying really hard that I make it through...

go ahead and kill them... but please don't break their kneecaps.

My brother and I, we are connoisseurs of violence. I enjoy gratuitous violence in action movies.
I have had my fair share of conversations about how violent movies are destroying my soul and desensitizing me and hardening my heart. It is true that I am quite desensitized to violence. However, there are a few things that will make me completely ill if even suggested. Most of the instances I am referring to occur when I have some kind of emotional connection with a character and they are suddenly, like, beaten to a pulp, or shot, or tortured. However, there are a handful of things that bother most people that do not fall into this category. I cannot think of any reason why people have such an emotional response to these specific actions but they do. You will rarely see this on film except for by the power of suggestion. They are as follows:

1) EYE WOUNDS. People being stabbed or poked in the eye. Also, eyes being ripped out (ala Kill Bill vol. 2 or Minority Report). I can understand this because I personally have a phobia of eye damage. The thought of it gives me goosebumps. But, it is one of those generally recognized disturbing images. That's why there is that whole "Stick a thousand needles in my eye" rhyme. Because the majority of people would do ANYTHING to prevent turning their eye into a pincushion.

2) ACHILLES TENDON. Speaking of Kill Bill, did you notice how everyone watching that movie cringes when the nurse's Achilles tendon is cut? When I took anatomy in high school, my teacher used to love to tell the story about the time he ruptured his Achilles playing basketball. Because of how tense that tendon is I guess it just shot straight up into his calf and sat there in a ball. He had to get surgery to find and reattach it. He said it was the worst pain of his life.

3) PROTRUDING BONES and/or LIMBS AT ODD ANGLES. There are few things more disturbing than seeing someone with a protruding broken bone. In middle school my friend Michael broke his arm one day on the football field and our teacher threw up when she saw his wrist which was literally broken into three pieces. He had bones sticking out the top and bottom. Yuck. Another good example that comes to mind is in The Shield when Tavon gets in that savage car accident and his arm is all twisted around at odd angles... yikes! disturbing!

4) KNEECAPS. Here is another place we don't go. It is rare for you to actually see someone get their kneecaps busted, although it is suggested in tons of movies and makes me feel sick every time. The one exception I can think of to this rule is the movie Daredevil when the guy is hit from the front and his knees collapse backward... ugh. Other than that, it is up to the power of suggestion. I mentioned this to my brother and he said he would rather see someone take a baseball bat to a skull than a kneecap. I found that pretty ironic. In a really sick way.


I could be missing a few things, and maybe I'm wrong about the ones I have, but I think these disgust and disturb the majority of us, right?

oscar wilde

True friends will stab you in the front.

cynthia nelms

Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.

albert camus

Man is the only creature that refuses to be what he is.

joseph roux

We call that person who has lost his father and orphan, and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence.

james baldwin

"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."

3 years of April 9th

Just for fun... I went through my old blogs today and looked up what I had written on this date for the past three years. Kind of interesting. I am posting them in chronological order...

(Sophmore year of HS)
April 9, 2003
The Princess Classics

Let me just say this: I know sometimes I may sound like I have mental issues or something, but really I have had a lot to struggle through in my life and the majority of it I have struggled through alone. When I say what I'm thinking it is a rare expression of the true state of my life and generally something I'm not happy with. So yes, everyone, be frustrated with me because I act stupid sometimes, selfish and hyper, and I can't calm down or be serious with you. I'm not being sarcastic: i do deserve it. i just want people to understand that I am just as frustrated with myself. But, yes... I would never tell them that, especially those who need to hear it, and I don't view it as an excuse for my behavior.
In fact, i don't belive in subjecting other people to my issues. So, in that thinking, maybe it's sick of me to write in here even, but the motivation is stronger and it's been making me feel, if not good, at least not quite as shitty.



(Junior year of HS)
April 9, 2004


Flattery is like gum. Enjoy it, but don't swallow it.








(Senior year of HS)
April 9, 2005

wow, I feel like shit. 
i think i need to go to the doctor.
i'm just posting because last night i got an e-mail from one of my dad's work associates who I've been working on for months about the AIDS crisis. The first conversation we had, I remember, he told me AIDS was "population control"; survival of the fittest in action. I went home and cried and didn't talk to him for like 2 weeks. 
Anyway, last night he e-mailed me to say he wants to make out a check to support our sister school in Kenya, because he was pretty touched by the presentation we gave last week. 
He also asked me how he could help with raising awareness and if there was any more information I could give him to pass on to others. 
I just thought I'd share because I was so excited about it. Other people getting involved is really exciting for me. Honestly, I think my experiences from the past few months have been the most rewarding of my entire life. 
I just keep thinking about some kid getting a roof over their head, or clothes or shoes, or breakfast this morning... and that just makes me smile. 
Okay... I'm going to the doc now. Everybody have an amazing weekend!








....yeah... ok, so i was bored...

april 14

Every once in a while I go through a phase (especially when I’m depressed or scared or something) where I get really quiet and really really boring. More quiet and boring than my usual shy and introverted self. They can last for a long time, even months. Of course, I can’t really help it, but I can definitely recognize it, which usually makes me feel even more crappy than I did to begin with.
It’s like I lose all power to communicate with other people and even though I want to be around them I feel totally lame when I am. It makes me think maybe I just shouldn’t fight my shyness and should just let myself be alone and be happy (?—if I would even be happy if I were alone). I can’t tell if people make me feel better or worse.
I had such a bad day today. I feel like everything possible went wrong. I hate my Friday class. I realized that next Friday (good Friday) is also the anniversary of Mike’s death. I am not sure what to do. I am not really sure what mourning is supposed to be like. Obviously I have it wrong or I would be feeling some kind of relief at some point. I think that is the general idea.
I am so, so, so, so, so sick of being sad.

I know this probably sounds overdramatic but I don’t care because this is my blog so I can write whatever I want in here. And if you know me you will know that I am not an overdramatic person. But I am honest and I honestly feel like shit.

SHAUN!!!

(In case you can't tell from the capital letters and the three exclamation marks I LOVE SHAUN. He is my favorite Art Institute boy.)

As it turns out, my "Chemistry" class REALLY IS Molecular Biology. Hallelujah, all my prayers for this week have been answered. In addition, Shaun and Branden are in my class (Branden is another cool DMP boy). It went from the worst class ever to one of my favorites really really fast. Soooo interesting! So fun!
Anyway, I have scriptwriting in about an hour, so I have to go cook dinner now.

P.S. -- (I am adding this part in at like 11:00pm...) My scriptwriting class is really cool. I love, love, love my teacher. The following majors take scriptwriting: DMP, ANIMATION, GAME DESIGN. I like the diversity, but I also like being with the DMP boys. They are rad and I missed them last term when I got swallowed up in gen ed. I forgot there are other people here who think like me. Our major is pretty small and interdependent and as a result we're pretty close-knit. So it's cool nerding it up together. Man, I freaking love DMP.

you may think i'm an artist, but i'm really a nerd

Had my computer class tonight from 6:00-9:45. Wiped me out, but it was really interesting. It's kind of a solo thing which is I think why I like it. It's not about listening to our teacher lecture forever or about working in groups, it's just messing around with different computer stuff on your own.
Today we went through computer basics. We are each going to design and budget for a personal computer that fits our specific needs. Mine of course has to be super speedy with TONS of memory and fantastic graphics and a DVD-R drive. So I spent like 2 hours of my class tonight looking through motherboards online. Reading specs and reviews from all the other video editing nerds. hahaha. yesssss.
The thing about moviemaking is that it sounds glamorous and completely badass, but the people behind it-- the good ones anyway-- are total dorks. Quentin Tarantino is a perfect example of my point. His movies are the epitome of badassness, but the guy himself? Not so much.

I like the night class thing. I'm more alert than I would be in the morning or right after lunch. Although I won't be getting home until 10:00 Wednesday or Thursday. And I will miss community group.

P.S. Where is my roommate? I am beginning to think she doesn't live here anymore.

school is back in session...

Well, starting on Wednesday. I went down this morning to check up on my grades from Winter Term and get my new schedule. This past week and a half I've been contemplating dropping out of Ai and doing a one-year intensive film program. School has been really difficult for me the past couple of years. The only reason I'm at Ai in the first place is because I really believe in the message I'm planning on sending with my films. I also kind of look at it as an act of obedience to God because he is the one who directed me there in the first place, and I know he has his hand all over this. But it's getting harder and harder to focus when I just want to get out in the field as soon as I possibly can, and start helping people...
I have really been struggling through this issue for a while now, and seriously considered it over these past two weeks, which is why I waited until today to register and pay my bills for this term. But ultimately I decided that I need a full degree. Without my bachelor's there is very little I can do here without connections, which will be hard to maintain if I'm overseas for long periods of time. I don't plan on working here, and if I do, it will probably be a temporary position. But then again, I don't really know what's in store for me in the future. Ultimately i want to be safe and have my bases covered, and know I have the potential to provide for myself and/or raise a family (?) if I need to.
So I went down to school this morning with my fingers crossed, hoping I passed all my classes last term and praying things only get better for me from here on out. I have been working pretty hard and just managing to scrape by in more than one area. But I got a fair enough grade report. I even got my first A, in-- are you ready for a surprise?-- math. Of all the classes for me to ace... haha. Guess I got some Owen genes after all. Just when I was beginning to wonder.
There was one problem in the execution of an otherwise flawless registration. I accidentally registered for Chemistry. Chemistry is my least favorite subject IN THE WORLD. I nearly flunked it in high school (my first term I managed a 65.6%, the lowest possible grade you can get and still pass. I'm pretty sure I dropped it the second term). The reason why I registered for it is because, here in art school, we have retarded course titles. Instead of calling a class "Design 101" we call it "Principles of Visual Communication." And, apparently, instead of calling a class "Chemistry" we call it "Molecules and Motives". I misread the title and thought it was Molecular Biology. Yikes. Big difference.
Other than that, it looks ok. Computer classes, one (only ONE- hallelujah!) art class called Color Theory (which means from here on out I can work in color, yesssss!), and scriptwriting with the most amazing teacher at our entire school. Her name is Jackie and she used to be the head of our department. The thing is, department heads are full-time, while most of our other staff is part-time because they are working in the field. Well, Jackie sold a script last summer, and is in the middle of working on a $10 million movie. So she pulled out as dept head but is still teaching this class because she is basically a freaking genius. I am so excited to work with her. That class will be extremely difficult but I didn't realize I would be taking it so early on. Usually most students take it their sophmore/junior year (the years run together, since we only have three, and it depends on your registration schedules). But I knocked out 12 english credits before and during my first term here, so I get to take it more than a year early.

In other news, everyone went back to school. My high school buddies are gone. This time it wasn't as sad watching them go. I will still miss them, of course, but I don't feel lonely here anymore. Still, it will be good to have them home for the summer. Maybe I can convince Brianna to stay here. Out of everyone, I miss her the most. California is just too far.