Quake: the recap

So, I was planning on writing about this before now and since I didn't I don't remember what all I would have said. I'm not going to repeat anything because matt already said a lot about the conference on his blog.

So what I will say is this: I really enjoyed helping out at the Quake conference this past weekend, and I felt God moving through everything. It was a unique experience for me, I think, because I kind of fell within the target age group (it was supposed to be for junior high--college kids). So even though I was helping out, I still felt like I had a bit of a different perspective in terms of the way everything went, and it did have some kind of impact on me spiritually, although many of the themes didn't apply personally.
What I kept thinking all day on Saturday as I watched these kids respond with stories about painful family relationships was I am so thankful for my parents. As I was putting the prayer stations together, one verse really stuck in my mind: "Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me."
The whole day I could not get that verse out of my head. I thought about the heartbreaking reality that some of these kids have lived through. I was so aware that this was not the case for me, and the gratefulness for that incredible blessing just shook me. During the last session, they asked for teenagers with christian parents to gather and lay hands on kids without christian parents and pray for them. I had th eopportunity to pray with an amazing girl whose father and stepmother don't know Christ. My heart broke for her, and it reminded me of my friend Caitie, whose atheist father died this last summer.
I don't know how to describe the reality that settled in me at that moment. But it was one of thankfulness coupled with painful conviction, and the understanding that I have not been blessed for my own benefit, but I have been blessed so that I may bless others. It definitely shook me. I feel foolish for not having grasped that concept before, but I am so glad that it sunk in the way it did.

On the other side of things, it was awesome to feel involved and to see the level of work that goes into these things. I was very impressed by the entire band, but especially by Joel. I sat with him in the sound booth for the better part of the sessions. Honestly, I don't know how he does all that he does. Between the two of us we managed to complete all the crazy tasks Mike threw at him last minute. But it was still hectic back there, and yet Joel was calm throughout everything.
I was so glad to be able to serve with Joel because he has such an amazing attitude and such a servant's heart. I hope for his sake that he has some help lined up for the next conferences, because it was WAY more than a one-man job. The only time he showed even a hint of how difficult his work was, was when Paul dismissed the students. Joel leaned his head back on the pew behind him and happily said, "It's over," closed his eyes for like two seconds, sighed, and then got up and started tearing down the equipment. I was amazed.
As for relationships, I feel like the sacred space team really bonded over this whole conference. Paul and I had some pretty good talks about the team and at one point, as he was thanking us for coming, he said, "It feels like my family is here." I was really touched by that because it felt so true. It made me realize how much we have grown together in that we look out for each other and truly care about each other. Even Jeremy, who just joined the team a couple weeks ago, has already become part of the family. It was a good realization.
We also had to opportunity to meet and train some amazing (AMAZING) women in the Tri-Cities. They were helpful, joyful, efficient and some of the nicest people I have ever met. They are going to do a great job with the creative planning for the rest of the conferences, and I was blessed by spending time with them.

I guess that is all I can say about it for now. I would say so much more but it would be hard to explain the rest anyway. Overall I came away with an appreciation for the ways God has blessed me in my family, both at home and with ethnos.

I got frustrated almost immediately after sitting down to type this because so many ideas came into my head that seemed so unrelated. However, the more I thought about these things, the more they became tied together.
If I were to sum up what is going on, I would say that I am finally being convicted about my lack of humility and my frequently self-righteous way of thinking. The conviction has led me to finally realize how much this wrong way of thinking has permeated my life.
I have many thoughts to share on this topic, and will probably do so later this week... right now I am still too frazzled to begin to explain.

Also, the plaster is coming off of my faith painting because I haven't yet had a chance to varnish it, and it doesn't like traveling back and forth to Ethnos every week. So that is high on my list of priorities tomorrow, because today when I picked it up to bring it to church the thumb fell off on one hand.
Now that is quality artwork. About as fragile as a wet paper towel.

P.S. Kristin, I am coming to visit you on Thursday, and we are going to see the Paul Allan art exhibit on display at the EMP because I heard you can see original gaugins and monets and the cost is only $8/person. Also... I hear the Dead Sea Scrolls are on display somewhere up there?

Quake--Teamwork--My little sister

Okay, so the last few days have been a crazy whirlwind of activity trying to get everything together for Quake. I think there was a lot more work there than I had initially realized. Maybe if I could go back in time I would change things so it didn't require that magnitude of work.
The thing is, we are supposed to be going up and training another sacred space team. I want to show them the best that the Ethnos Sacred Space team can do. I take pride in our work and am passionnate about the way we serve in the church. I also love every member of our team. If we can relate that sense of team and worship to another group of people, and share that with them, that will be awesome. I am excited for that opportunity.
Still, even for that, this was a TON of work. What makes it harder is that everyone was so busy around this time. With your friends (with a true team) you are more willing to pick up where other people leave off, to cut people slack, to take on more than your share here and there because you care about the people you are working with. And you don't want them to be overstressed. If I didn't care about the team at Ethnos I don't think I would have put so much work into this conference.
Guys, if you're reading this, consider it a labor of love.

I wasn't last night, but when I woke up this morning I was excited. I feel like we have a great opportunity here. My sister is riding up with me to attend this conference, and I am stoked for that. I am looking forward to spending some quality time with her, and getting her better introduced to the team. She is going to help us set up and everything. I think this is important for her because I feel like she could really be serving and getting involved if responsibility was given to her. She is a lot like me, and could take on most of the ministry responsibilities I have at Ethnos. I think it would be awesome if she could get more involved there. She would really love helping out with something like sacred space. She is a VERY talented artist (MUCH more so than I was at her age). But shy. Like me.
Also, I know how conferences like this can impact middle school and high school kids. I am praying for something like that with my sister.

Okay. I should go take a shower and pack up the car... that's all I have to say right now. Pray for everyone this weekend!

Yikes.

I got so much done!

Today was such a productive day!
It feels good to bump a few things off my to-do list.

Also-- School starts on Wednesday.
I got a letter in the mail today from the Dean, and it informed me I am in fact working toward a BS and NOT a BFA. I am pleased; I never wanted a BFA. I think for my particular field of interest a BS will get me much further.
Ahhh... I love science.

P.S.
(I know everyone is going to laugh at me or roll their eyes and go "This girl has problems." But I have to write about this.)
Today as I was working in the office I noticed there was some gross ball of fuzz on the floor. Although there was absolutely no reason to think it, I had the fleeting worry, "what if that's a dried frog?" (I have thoughts like this because I am crazy. I cannot prevent them, but I try to ignore them when they come up.)
So, instead of indulging my fears, I continued on with what I was doing at that particular moment, and when I was finished, leaned over to throw away the fuzz.
But in that moment my worst fears were realized, as it was in fact a dried-up frog lying on its back. Don't worry, I didn't touch it. I gasped and ran out of the room, went and found my brother, and asked him to take care of it for me. I couldn't go back into the office until I knew it was gone.
Even after that I was grossed out, and as I sit here I can't help but wonder if there are other frogs in this room.
Perhaps this was the frog that tormented me last week when I was trying to do my Bible study? If so, I am pleased that nature got its sweet revenge.

...I think I need therapy.

Let me be the first to personally welcome you into the month of Auctiontober. I would have done so yesterday, but I was not feeling up to the challenge.
This is how Auctiontober goes: everyone is stressed. When I say "everyone" I primarily mean my friends on the Sacred Space Team, all of whom are to the point of pulling out their hair and having spontaneous meltdowns. However, I assume this trend will prove itself for the rest of the church and our friends outside the church as well.
Why is October such a busy month? I don't know. All I know is, day #2 and I'm already wishing it were over. I don't even have an auction like Ashby does, a GIANT presentation like Doug does, two conferences to lead like the Paul Ramey Band does, etc.
I'm a little frustrated with myself because I expected to have found a job right now, and I'm so busy with other things that I haven't even gotten myself together enough to really start looking.
(Okay... Mike Thibedeaux just called me TWICE in the time it took me to type that last paragraph. And right after that he paged me his number. And he left two messages. I don't really have anything to say to him and I know if I answer my phone I will be caught up in a conversation that lasts, like, 45 minutes (at the least). I told him to wait until Tuesday for the video stuff he asked me for and I'm betting he wants to "check in" on that again...)
Ugh.
The point is, welcome to October. Everyone is really stressed, so please pray for us all. Pray that October will end really really soon.
Thanks.

today, my asthma has decided, is a good day to try and strangle me.

ashbyduck (9:40:24 PM): (jenn is buying tickets to a michael w smith concert. what should i do?)
audioangel2 (9:40:31 PM): OH NO
audioangel2 (9:40:36 PM): INTERVENE.
ashbyduck (9:40:44 PM): HOW?!
audioangel2 (9:40:54 PM): is she doing it on the computer?
audioangel2 (9:41:00 PM): THROW THE COMPUTER OUT THE WINDOW

rough draft

Haha. Thank you all for your photoshop advice/sympathy! When I tried it again this morning it worked perfectly (I think in my sleepiness I may have been forgetting to hold down the control key to trim my path). Jenn, good advice though on the magic wand tool. I didn't think of that, and it would have been REALLY easy to do it that way.
Anyway:



This is the first draft of the layout for our new (ETHNOS-ized) Basic Discipleship studies. We are starting each section off with a story from someone in the community, thus the photo and parchment graphic. The rest is pretty basic and just filler for right now until I build more graphics. I want to create some sort of watermark for the pages, but I haven't gotten to doing that yet... (I threw in a celtic knot graphic in the basic idea of what I want to do, but hopefully it's a lot cooler than that).
When it's printed we'll probably print it on recycled paper so it will have a creamy-looking background instead of white.
Oh, and don't bother trying to read the text... it's just filler and it's all in latin anyway.

I found this Napolean Dynamite review on the rotten tomatoes website:
"In a way, I find this movie similar to Lost in Translation. It's totally boring with zero purpose, zero message and yet, a segment of those who did like it point at those of us who didn't and say, "oh you're just to shallow to get it." Well yeah, you're right. I DON'T get boring movies. Maybe only dull people can relate to dull movies."

Haha... I actually don't mean to offend anyone who liked these movies, but they were both the epitome of boringness to me, so I find this review very amusing...

School for Scoundrels has gotten really bad reviews. I am disappointed; I wanted it to be funny.

I HATE PHOTOSHOP.

Seriously. I am trying to build graphics for our Basic Discipleship studies and my pen tool WON'T WORK, so when I go to load elements from Photoshop into InDesign all of the scratch area shows up. It is a problem because I want this parchment to be the background and then I'm going to build elements on top of it... but when I have all the white space showing up they won't work together.
I want to cut out the scratch area but my pen tool is MAKING ME CRAZY.
ALSO. This is supposed to be done in Duotone but for whatever reason I can't change the color mode??? AHHHHH. PHOTOSHOP, YOU MAKE ME WANT TO KICK SOMEONE.
I KNOW that I know how to solve this problem, and at the very least I have it written somewhere or in my textbook, but I'm probably past the point of productivity tonight, so I quit...

I need a new Bible. My old Bible is falling apart (I've used it since I was 12). Literally, it is duct-taped together and even with that the maps are still falling out of the back.
I've been saving up for a new one, but I'm still $10 from the goal, and it's one of those things that gets shoved to the back burner when a more immediate need comes up (such as buying gas or groceries or whatnot). It feels like I will never get all the way to having enough money all at the same time.
Anyway... that is what I am thinking of right now.

Deputy Mikhail Gerba

After a columnist in the Oregonian posted a story about Deputy Gerba and the Lukus Glenn shooting (remember... he is the deputy who helped my family this summer), my mom wrote a letter to the editor explaining our family's story. The thing is, it was a similar situation, and events like this can destroy a police officer's career because of bad publicity and self-doubt.
The editor called my mom to ask if she could publish the story, and I think it is going to run in tomorrow's paper, so look for it.
My dad also wrote a letter to Mikhail Gerba, thanking him for the help he gave my family, and offering to do whatever he could to help him (be it releasing a public statement, testifying in a trial, whatever). He also mentioned he was praying for him. Gerba routed the letter to the rest of the Washington County Police Department for encouragement, and the sheriff called my dad yesterday to thank him for his prayers and for offering to help.
What I just realized today (this information brought me to tears) was that this man was supposed to go on vacation the next day after the night they found my brother. Because of an error on the part of the Tillamook PD, my brother was checked into the hospital in Tillamook voluntarily (which means he could check himself out at any time). The deputy offered to postpone his vacation to drive to Tillamook himself to pick up my brother and safely transport him to a hospital in Portland, where he could be checked in by the officer so that he would be incapable of checking himself out until he was declared healthy by trial. This turned out not to be necessary, but it was such a selfless offer that I can't help but be touched.

I don't know why I am sharing all of this. It is kind of emotional to talk about. But I feel like since he did so much for us, my family should really return the favor by doing as much as possible to help him.

it's addictive

I love the new version of itunes! I love the jukebox-esque slider that shows all the album covers.
I am missing a lot of the album info though, so I had to go back and fill in a bunch of it. It's one of those things that is pointless and a waste of time but still addictive and somehow gratifying. I love it when the black box goes away and turns into pretty album art.

Hmmm.

Today was my dad's birthday, and next wednesday is my mom's birthday. They are both turning 47 this year. Don't tell them I told you how old they are, but do say happy birthday when you see them next.

my brother is moving out, and i am happy

At the moment I don't really feel like being mature about this, so I'm just gonna say it like it is and people can draw whatever conclusion they deem appropriate.
My brother is a big effing jerk and I don't like living with him at all. This entire summer has been one shit storm after another, and the majority of it has been entirely his fault because of his immaturity and inability to put ANYTHING AT ALL before his own personal happiness. I have watched my entire family suffer through his mood swings, his substance abuse, his irresponsible behavior, etc this summer to try and support him. Not only does he not accept our support he actually treats us poorly in response to all of our love and sacrifice.
Tonight at the dinner table, he yelled at me, cussed me out, and told me to shut up because he didn't like the topic of conversation we had brought up. Basically my mom asked him to let us know when he was going to be coming home on nights he goes out partying. This seems like a fair request on our part because of the way this summer has gone and the level of anxiety that accompanies any of his extended trips out of the house. If he isn't where he says he is going to be when he says he will be there, we all panic a little. It is inescapable.
His response to my mom (which was said in a really disrespectful tone) was, "You can always call me." I pointed out that nobody wants to call him at 2 or 3 in the morning, and it really would just be easier if he told us where he was going/when he'd be back before he left.
Then, he yelled at me to shut up, said, "What the fuck do you think you are, my mom? You're not my mom!" My parents both immediately told him to simmer down but he kept just yelling at me and cussing me out so finally I said, "I think you are a jerk," and got up and walked away.
As I was walking away, my mom pointed out that he really has been a jerk lately (let me remind everyone here of the facts, they are as follows:
1. in the past week, my brother has ditched me (with absolutely no warning) more than three times. when confronted he makes no response or apology.
2. my brother is an alocoholic/stoner, and as such literally incapable of carrying on an interesting conversation. i avoid speaking to him whenever possible because he has a tendency to fly off the handle for no reason and insult/demean the people he is talking to.
3. his behavior is disrespectful to everyone else in the house and can even be dangerous. for example, when i came home from church tonight he had left a pizza in the oven and gone out. he had left the house with the oven on and something inside of it. how stupid do you have to be to do something like that?
4. let us not forget that after having attempted suicide earlier this summer, he now goes out at all times of day and night without informing anyone of his whereabouts. he does not answer his cell phone or respond to messages until he feels like it. this worries everyone in our family. again, when confronted he makes no apology.
5. lastly, his response to this conversation is not out of character because it is pretty much how he responds to anything he doesn't want to hear. cuss the person out and tell them to shut up. they won't fight him back because he's sick and has low self esteem).
He made no response after that, and we finished our meal without talking to him. When he excused himself from the table my mom apologized to me.
I am so tired of him, though. I just don't want him around anymore. After all the things I have done for him, for my brother to treat me the way he does is just disrespectful and wrong.
I don't believe moving out will be good for him. He is incapable of caring for himself in even the most basic way. I worry that he will hurt someone else with his irresponsible behavior.
But I am glad he is moving out so I don't have to deal with his bullshit anymore. And neither does the rest of my family. If he doesn't want my support, fine. I am more than happy not to offer it to him.

It is sad; this is my brother and I'm supposed to love him no matter what. But I have honestly never known someone to disappoint me and dismiss me more than he has, and I'm tired of it. I'm so freaking tired of him.

I knwo this is probably not the response God wants me to have but right now I just don't care.

ACSS, for your enjoyment

Since no one responded in the positive (except for you, Terry) I can only assume you don't know what I'm talking about (or that you don't read my blog, or that you don't like them and don't want to crush me... two possibilities that I will ignore).
So here are a couple Afro Celt videos. They mix African and Celtic sounds (thus the name). WHICH in my opinion is genius, because I love both, and they make a really cool sounding mix.
So here are two videos... the first is featuring Peter Gabriel, the second Sinead O'Connor (who I love!!!!!!)





My favorite part of all Irish music is the bodhran. It is a traditional Irish drum that I think has the coolest sound ever. We have one and when I went through my drum phase I used to play it a lot... the end result being that it is now broken and unplayable.
Maybe I should just buy a new one. Bodhrans are way cool in my opinion. There is a guy playing one in the second video and he is a total BAMF. Like how I could be, if only I had a sweet bodhran....
If only...

Afro Celt Sound System

Does anyone else like them? Because I think they're genius.

the light at the end of the tunnel

This is my favorite painting ever.
For a while after my Buddhist phase (and before I came to Ethnos) I was shopping around for churches, and I went to the Bridge pretty regularly for about 6 months or so. I really liked the worship there because it was so honest and raw. One of the things was that they let everyone do art during the services.
It was very different than what we do at Ethnos. They had tables covered in butcher paper, and tempera paint, and sometimes I couldn't even find brushes.
Anyway, the day I painted this was a particularly bad day in my world. I remember feeling really hopeless and lost, and praying that God would somehow help me find a way out of the darkness (thus the subject matter... and caption).
They had laid out pieces of foamcore all over the floor and told people to paint if they wanted to. However it was so dark in the club that I couldn't see what I was doing at all, and since I couldn't find a paintbrush, I used my hands and what I thought was black, red and white paint. It wasn't until I got outside that I realized it was purple.
Anyway, the reason I like it so much is that it pretty much sums up the way my head worked during that time of my life. And I remember the passionniate worship that day and having my hands in paint up to my elbows...

Another funny thing is that I was so shy, I pretty much ran out of the service afterward, and wouldn't show the painting to anyone (even my dad when he came to pick me up), so it sat in the drum room for a year and a half, until just now when I fished it out.

for you, Lindgren:

This isn't the one I was talking about, but it is almost as bad.

You make me wanna.... flip.

He is kinda cute though.

blessings for the church

There are different ways of looking at situations life throws your way. You can learn from them or you can be frustrated by them. Usually it's a little of both. Lately God has been teaching me some pretty cool stuff through the church, though.
I know the budget crisis for Ethnos is not a good thing. But I do think it has had some positive effects on our community. Justin shared how he has been in prayer more lately than ever before. I have been learning a lot about conserving money through sacred space stuff.
It is not that I spent a lot of church money before, or anything. I've always tried to be cautious about buying stuff for the church. But lately I have been more cautious than ever because there is literally no money at all to spend.
What it takes is a lot of creative thinking about how we are going to make things happen. Which, in my opinion, is a good thing that we miss out on when we have a budget and things come easily. I know from experience in art and film that usually the best things happen when you are forced to do something creative to make up for materials you don't have. This looks like using a wheelchair for tracking shots in El Mariachi or reusing old canvases for paintings. Things like that.
Now... a couple of pretty sweet things have happened in the past couple days that prove this point. The studio team has been helping put together some sacred space stuff for the upcoming Quake conference that the PRB is serving at. We have no budget for this either, but a lot of work to do, so we've been trying to find ways to get everything done on time and for cheap/free.
One of the things I had to do was get together a bunch of verses on parchment paper and matboard. We have no more parchment paper, so I went to the store where we got the first batch (for cheap). The store was closed, so I had to get creative. I ended up finding a whole ream of paper for under $7, which is more than enough for the conference. But I was still worried about finding so much matboard. Matboard is really expensive. I figured I would just have to look for some really cheap somewhere and conserve it as best I could.
Well, I went to craft warehouse to see if there was something I could use (they have low prices), and I found a whole stack of like 30 or 40 pieces of recycled cardboard sitting on the floor in the aisle. It was perfect-- exactly the sizes I needed and plenty of it, because they were the cardboard inserts that come in the back of a ream of cardstock. I took them to the front counter and explained where I had found them and asked if I could buy them for cheap (the store usually just recycles them). After some haggling the clerk decided to give them to me for free!
It was so much better than my original plan because it took so much less work to put everything together, and the whole thing ended up costing only $7. Plus, I know for the future how and where to get those materials for much, much cheaper than we've gotten them in the past.
The next blessing was that we were looking for a whole bunch of cardboard to put together some stuff for the stations. I had called around to find somewhere I could pick up free refrigerator boxes, but the closest place was in SE Portland, so I had decided not to do it today. I went instead to pick up my sister from school. She goes to school in downtown Beaverton, and I sat waiting for her in the parking lot, I thought to myself "You know, the recycling center is right down the street, maybe there is some cardboard there?".
She and I went by the center, and I was planning on basically dumpster diving, seeing if there was anything usable I could salvage. As we pulled into the parking lot it started raining, and I thought, "great, all the cardboard will be soggy now". Then we saw a truck pulling in and a man unloading huge cardboard crates.
I went over and asked him if I could take the crates (he was lifting them on a forklift). He goes, "Lady, these boxes are the size of your car, there is no way you can take them home with you. Plus, they're full of cardboard."
I asked him if I could look around inside them, and he agreed. What was in there was HUGE pieces of cardboard EXACTLY THE SIZE I NEEDED. My sister and I completely loaded our car with as much as we could, and just in time. We managed to get all of the cardboard into the car while it was still dry (it was protected from the rain by being stacked inside the box).
So, my point in writing all of this, is that God is good in the small things. These two things, even though they are not all that important in the grand scheme of life, saved me a lot of time and money this week. And I am really thankful for that, because if we had had a huge budget, I probably would not have tried these options. I would probably have bought cardboard and matboard and expensive parchment somewhere else, thinking I was saving myself time, and actually just making more work for the team.
So I hope these lessons stick with me even if our budget troubles change (and I really hope they do). Because it is good to know that what I think is the easiest way actually may not be, and God blesses us when we are faithful and good stewards of the what he has already given us....