some things I want to get done today:

-brainstorm some ideas for my final script and email them to Jackie
-write a 5-page and 7-page first draft for scriptwriting
-finish studying the JVC300 manual for my certification test
-finish the rest of the text for sound production
-run 5 miles
-email Kristin

and maybe, possibly hang out with my dad and brother if I get everything else done (I don't think that's going to happen, though).

So, February is almost over.
Almost.


And on an unrelated note, does anyone want to help me shoot a short film?
...anyone? I'm guessing no, but it would be wonderful if someone did.

We're starting a bowling team. We being my buddies at Starbucks.


I am stoked.

Oh man. I seriously just want to cry. I am too tired to deal with my life right now.

My brother moved back home today, and I am scared. I think bad things are probably going to happen now that he is around. I am just exhausted by the drama he brings into our house. I wish I could escape everything. I wish I were pretty much anywhere but here right now.
I hate feeling helpless, I hate feeling compromised, I hate a lot of things that I wish I didn't hate, and no matter how hard I try, there are really no words to describe the depth of my disappointment, confusion, whatever. I don't know. There are no words. None.
I had this weird thought today, when I was driving my dad's car back from the apartment. This was only the second time I have driven his car. The only other time he allowed me to was once when Daniel was in the hospital. So, it reminded me of that week. We went to the olive garden for dinner because it was right by the hospital. I hadn't slept. None of us had. And I ordered a meal that I never took a bite of. And we all kind of sat there staring at each other and being devastated.
The thing is, when everything falls apart so visibly, you are free to grieve, to fall apart, to be comforted, to be confused and anxious and disoriented and sit there doing absolutely nothing. But what happens when things fall apart quietly, piece by piece, until you can't even point to a moment when it all went wrong because the moments just surround you and box you in? What are you supposed to do then?
It feels just like grief. Like I want to lie in bed and stare at my ceiling and not think because it hurts.

I have no idea how to get through this.

WHAT?!

It is awesome that Izzie took a power drill to a guy's skull and somehow saved his life.
But... Meredith can't really die... can she?

I'm just saying. It's not Grey's Anatomy without Dr. Grey.

(I have a life outside of TV. I swear.)

The Happiest Place on Earth

Some things are just too awesome not to share. That picture being one of them.


Anyway, on Tuesday I got back from my trip to Cali. I spent a day at Disneyland, which, as well all know, is the greatest place in the entire world. Other than that, the trip did not have a whole lot of highlights. There were some tears on my part when I had to say goodbye to my best friend (she is going to Australia for a million years). There were also some other low points that I can only really describe as typical freshman in college scenarios. Not that we are freshmen... but, um... yeah. I'll just leave it at that.
Soooo, since everyone loves to be forced to look at other peoples' vacation photos, I figured I would privelege you with some of mine. They are dandy. (Yeah, I just said dandy.)


The Star Tours ride is about 82% of the reason I went to California in the first place. There is nothing quite as satisfying as riding in a space ship and blowing up the death star. Unfortunately, Andy was the only one cool enough to do this ride with me... Jon and Kristin were too busy making out on some roller coaster... or something.


Pirates! They added Captain Jack to the ride, and he is eerily life-like. Unfortunately you can't take pictures during the ride, or I would have, and just told everyone that I had met Johnny Depp. That's how real he looked.


This was when we were waiting in line for Mr. Toad's wild ride... which I wasn't too thrilled about, for obvious reasons. And if you are wondering... we are twirling our mustaches.



I was pretty excited about the artifacts on the Indiana Jones ride. Brianna was pretty excited about groping me.



Also, I suck at the Buzz Lightyear ride. We found this out and I cried from sheer disappointment and embarassment. This picture was taken before the tears, though.


This is my favorite picture from our whole trip... but it makes me miss Kristin, and Jon. AUSTRALIA IS FAR AWAY. AND FOUR MONTHS IS A LONG TIME.

COME HOME!!!

AHHHHHH.

Why is Pam with Roy?
Stupid Pam.

newport beach makes my heart ache

It feels so distant that it could almost be another lifetime; I stood on this pier with a different future and different dreams spread out before me. Different relationships with their own sets of strengths and their own weaknesses.
But there is beauty in the changing of the tide; in the push and pull of life. There is strength both in stepping forward and in taking a moment to look back. In the end, there is good, no matter how much pain it takes to reach it.
So far, that is all I know for sure.

I'm leaving

Well, despite what can only be described as a 4-day long asthma attack, I'm off to LA tomorrow. I'm a little nervous because my parents are gone on the elders' retreat, so if something goes wrong with my flight, or I mess anything up in any way, there will be no one around to bail me out. Hopefully I don't screw up and miss my flight, or lose my baggage, or lose my boarding pass, or accidentally pack a pocket knife in a carry-on, or get kidnapped, or somehow get on the wrong plane and accidentally fly myself to timbuktu.... then again, you never know...
Oh! I hope I don't get airsick. I didn't even think about that... but it is the most likely. :(
Anyway. I'm looking forward to getting away for a while and hanging out with Brianna and Andy (I haven't seen them in months) and my cousin Connor. Looking forward to a little Disneyland, a little sunny weather, the beach, In & Out burger, getting a crazy piercing or two... you know. All the fun stuff. ;)
However-- I'm really NOT looking forward to saying goodbye to Kristin. That part will suck.

I think I'm pretty excited, though. It's hard to know if I'm antsy because of excitement or because I'm still all drugged up and not getting enough oxygen. Only time will tell...

i feel horrible

So I am sick and I feel AWFUL. Every part of my body hurts. I tried sleeping it off but every time I sleep I wake up feeling even worse. Plus my asthma is trying to strangle me in my sleep. Literally. I kept waking up realizing I'd stopped breathing.
If I have ever felt this sick before in my life, I don't remember it. No matter what I just keep feeling worse and worse.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh I hate life!!!
I seriously feel like I might die.

yuck

perspective

Lately, my parents and I have been having some really honest and encouraging conversations... I am glad that I have two very strong role models right at my fingertips so that I can constantly soak up their wisdom. They are pretty impressive people.
Anyway, I really like talking to my mom about the Bible because she knows so much scripture. You can seriously ask her questions almost like you'd look things up in a concordance or topical bible. She's that knowledgeable. I am glad, because I'm not there yet.

We had this amazing conversation yesterday about the stories in the Old Testament. I have been trying to immerse myself in scripture. (Okay, I'm not going to say that I've been trying it so much as that it's become absolutely crucial. If I didn't have the word to encourage me, I would be completely falling apart. So it's not a concious choice so much as a gut reaction.... sometimes I don't get the whole concept until it's thrown at me quite painfully. This being one of those times.)
Anyway. My mom and I were talking about the story of Hagar, which is one I read at the beginning of January, but was so touched by that I have prayed for her attitude almost every day since then. I was sharing all this with my mom and she said it was something I should blog about. So... here I am.
If you don't know the story of Hagar, you can look it up in Genesis 16 and Genesis 21. But here is the gist: Abraham is promised a son, but his wife (Sarah) is old and doesn't trust God that it will happen. So she tells Abraham to sleep with her maid, Hagar. Hagar gets pregnant, and Sarah is insanely jealous, and punishes Hagar so cruelly that she flees out into the desert.
Which is where this happens:
The angel of the LORD found her by a spring of water in the wilderness, the spring on the way to Shur. And he said, "Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?" She said, "I am fleeing from my mistress Sarai." The angel of the LORD said to her, "Return to your mistress and submit to her." The angel of the LORD also said to her, "I will surely multiply your offspring so that they cannot be numbered for multitude." And the angel of the LORD said to her,

"Behold, you are pregnant
and shall bear a son.
You shall call his name Ishmael,
because the LORD has listened to your affliction.
He shall be a wild donkey of a man,
his hand against everyone
and everyone's hand against him,
and he shall dwell over against all his kinsmen."

So she called the name of the LORD who spoke to her, "You are a God of seeing," for she said, "Truly here I have seen him who looks after me."

There is something about this that just blows me away. First of all, the position that Hagar is in is one that is too horrible for me to imagine. She is a servant. She has a son by a man she doesn't even seem to like. Her mistress treats her so badly that she would rather run away into the desert than endure another day with her. She is at the end of her rope, completely alone, when she comes before God.
Now, the way that God treats Hagar throughout her life confuses me. It is something I don't pretend to understand, the way that he allows her to suffer. He listens to her complaints. He feels her pain. Then he says, "Return to your mistress and submit to her."
Even the blessings he promises to her are bittersweet. She will have a son, and her son will be blessed (there is more of this in chapter 21, which I will get to). But he will also be an obnoxious jerk. And Hagar herself does not get a blessing. She gets to go back and endure the unendurable for the sake of the glory of God.
But, what touched me when I read it was the way that she reacted. It's praise. She is satisfied and complete just knowing that God had heard her, even though he did nothing to alleviate her pain. He didn't even give her an explanation for the pain she felt. He just said, "I hear you, now obey me." And she said, "Praise God, I will obey."
That interaction caught my attention because it's hard to accept that from God. I feel like if he knows I am in pain and praying for comfort he should do something about it. If he doesn't, he must not have heard me. Because how can a good God hear your cries of pain, understand them, and then tell you to go back, grit your teeth, and bear it? Without any explanation or hope of change?
The thing about this story is, it gets better. Or worse, if you're Hagar. Eventually (chapter 21) Sarah DOES get pregnant, and then she becomes even MORE jealous. She insists that Hagar and Ishmael have got to go. And God tells Abraham to honor his wife. So Abraham sends them out into the desert, and Hagar is wandering around desperate AGAIN.
When the water in the skin was gone, she put the child under one of the bushes. Then she went and sat down opposite him a good way off, about the distance of a bowshot, for she said, "Let me not look on the death of the child." And as she sat opposite him, she lifted up her voice and wept. And God heard the voice of the boy, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, "What troubles you, Hagar? Fear not, for God has heard the voice of the boy where he is. Up! Lift up the boy, and hold him fast with your hand, for I will make him into a great nation." Then God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water. And she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink. And God was with the boy, and he grew up.
Yet again her attitude amazes me. Because even when she is on the brink of utter defeat, God calls her back and says, "I have big plans for this boy, so you've got to trust me on this." Again, it couldn't be clearer that this story is not about her. It's not about her being happy or blessed. It's about her being obedient for the greater glory of God. And she IS obedient, without questioning God about her pain. He heard her, and that is all she needs to endure.

...How crazy is that? I have been turning this over in my mind every day, praying for that same attitude, and praying for enough faith and wisdom not to question God about the role my pain has in his greater glory. I don't need to understand it. I need to trust and be obedient. I know that God hears me. He is a God who hears. And even if he doesn't change anything, I know he understands the pain that I am going through. I want that to satisfy me enough that I can leave my doubts behind and just OBEY.

Anyway, I thought I would share that. I have had a very humbling week, and it draws to mind my need for faith and, most of all, obedience. Which is what this whole thing is about.

suffering/joy

(I know this post is long, but I figured I owed a good solid one since I haven't written anything worth reading since last Saturday.)

Back when I took anatomy, one thing I found interesting was the way your body adapts to certain situations. Most of your senses-- sight, taste, smell, hearing-- immediately begin adapting to the stimuli being presented. When you step from a dark room outside into the sunshine, your iris contracts around your pupil to let less light in. When someone sitting next to you on the bus is wearing a ton of perfume or cologne, olfactory adaptation kicks in, and your brain adjusts until you can't smell it anymore. Adaptation keeps your brain from getting overloaded/confused and your body from being physically hurt.
The one sense that doesn't adapt is your sense of touch. No matter how many times a kid falls down and skins his knee, it is still going to hurt just as bad every time. Maybe that kid will get older and get used to it, so he won't cry as hard, and it won't seem as awful, but the exact same pain receptors respond every time in the exact same way. Unless your nerves die, they are as dependable as freaking clockwork.
When you think about it, it makes sense-- if you adapted to pain, then the older you got, the stupider things you would be doing without realizing the impact it could have on your body. If I run my finger through a flame once, and it hurts, but the next time I do it, it doesn't hurt, then what's going to stop me from doing it a third time? And meanwhile, even though it doesn't physically hurt me, my finger is being burned. My skin cells are dying.
What does change, though, is your control over your body; your tolerance of the pain that is inflicted. As you get older, you can recognize pain and differentiate what is dangerous and what is just annoying. If I fell down today and skinned my knee, I probably wouldn't cry as much as I did when I was eight. But not because it doesn't hurt just as much. Physiologically, the exact same thing is happening. But my brain can respond better. Instead of going, "Mommy, I'm bleeding!!!" I can go, "Look, it's just a little blood, it could be a lot worse, so go get a band-aid and you'll be fine." Pain doesn't ever hurt less, you just get smarter about it.
This is just theory from my own personal experience... but I think the same thing is true of your emotions. I have been through a lot of stuff in my short life. And even though, on some level, it gets easier, it also doesn't. Every time something bad happens, it hurts me just as much. The only difference I have noticed is that my response has changed. I am more logical; I have gotten smarter. I actually have the ability to, in the middle of a crappy situation, say to myself, "It's really okay, God is going to take care of it." Not, "Holy shit, this is so awful that I want to die." And I really think that is just a product of growing up and experiencing a lot of pain. It's the same as that split second you have when you look down at your bleeding knee and decide, okay, that hurts, but I'm not going to freak out about it.
Sometimes, it sucks, because it takes experiencing the pain to learn about it. And every time it happens, it hurts just as much. Just because you know you can handle a small burn or a skinned knee, doesn't mean you want it or go out looking for it. It just means that when it happens, you're ready, and you're not going to fall apart.

The reason why I say all this is because, on Tuesday in our studio meeting, we talked about suffering, and I have been thinking about it all week. And what I said to everyone on Tuesday was, there comes a point in the middle of all your pain where you just... balance out. A lot of times, nothing changes. Nothing "gets better". You just push through it and there is joy on the other end. The coexistance of joy and suffering is something so beautiful that is literally indescribable. It is the kind of thing that, until you experience it, you will always be skeptical of.
Anyway, I said this on Tuesday at the meeting, at which point I had a lot of issues on my plate already. But there were ones that I had handled. Then, yesterday, my brother made another poor life choice, and that messed up the balance again. So as I laid in bed awake early this morning, I thought to myself, do I still believe what I said before, that there is joy in all of this? Do I stand by that when there is pain too real and fresh to ignore or put away? And, even though I am hurt and mad and scared, the answer is yes. God doesn't change, and if he is my focus, nothing can really shake me. Which is an incredible feeling.

One other thing I thought about today: back in the day, when I first learned to type/use computers, they required you to put two spaces between a period and the start of a new sentence. I always got in trouble for ignoring that rule because it didn't make sense, and now, no one ever does it. People don't even capitalize or use proper punctuation anymore. I wonder what my elementary school teacher would say about that...

as calm as a dead fish.

Today was just one of those days where nothing so bad happened, but still at the end I felt like crap.
Maybe I am just tired, or stressed, or all peopled-out. I don't know. Maybe I am starting to get sick. I really hope not... but it's possible.

Anyway, I am having trouble focusing, so I am not going to write anything else right now; I am going to go to bed. That way I will not die when I try to wake up for the studio meeting at, like, dawn.

war photographer

I know that I have blogged about this before, but it was over a year ago, which means I don't feel redundant doing it again.
My first term at AI, Michelle had us watch this documentary, War Photographer. It is about the life of James Natchwey. He is one of my heroes-- the kind of person that I want to pattern my life after. After we watched it, I told Michelle that he was doing EXACTLY what I wanted to do with my life, and she told me that was part of the reason she showed it.
This morning I woke up with James Nachtwey on my mind. And not just him, but all the things he works for in the world. One thing I was amazed by is his dedication to his work. I do want to do what he does, but I get so easily distracted by all the other things I want to do. I wish I had the concentration and determination to just give everything up and go for it.
Or maybe I just wish I had the same one-track mind, I don't know.
Sometimes I pray that God will take away some of my other desires and passions so that I could focus and be completely fulfilled in doing his work. I get so tangled up in my own perceptions and my changing mind. At times I feel like I am holding on to a dream just for the sake of obedience. That is always so discouraging to me. I feel like I have always known what I am supposed to do with my life, and I have always been satisfied and complete with that knowledge. But as the reality of it draws nearer, I am less sure of what I am doing. I look for all of the things I can't do instead of the things that I can.
I remember that, a few years ago, I would pray all the time and praise God for the way he had worked out all my skills and talents to honor him. I saw how everything fit together so nicely. I knew foreign languages, so it would be easier to travel. I was very indepedent, so I could work without a team. I loved science and medicine, so I was passionnate about everything he was calling me to.
Lately, my prayers are so much more uncertain. It's like I am finally becoming aware of all the things in my heart that are barriers to obedience. I am shy, how will I travel alone? How will I stick up for myself? I hate change, and I need time alone in a place that is just my own, how will I jump around from place to place? How will I not have a "home" that is my own? Mostly, I want to get married. Not right now, but eventually. I know marriage and obedience in this case aren't mututally exclusive, but, trust me, it really does feel that way sometimes. I joke about it, but I don't know if I am ready to let go of my dreams of having my own family. I just keep asking, "Why me, God? I'm so wrong for all this!"
I take some small comfort in the fact that the Bible is filled with prayers that are so similar. Other people who are ill-equipped and reluctant, and who wonder why they are called to something so outside themselves. That, I get. I can persevere through that if it is for the glory of God. I can handle a lot if I know there is some purpose for the sacrifice, no matter how abstract and distant that purpose is. I'm not saying I would love to sacrifice all my hopes and dreams, I'm just saying I can. I can do it and keep going.
But, on the other side, there are people in the world, like James Nachtwey, for example, that do the hardest things and seem to be totally without doubt that they are doing exactly what they should be doing. Our culture puts so much pressure on being happy in the field you have chosen. I guess I feel like I shouldn't have doubts about this. Like being obedient should be enough to make me happy all the time.

Anyway. I guess I am a little jealous. But mostly in awe of the strength of spirit it takes to do something like this guy does. I hope that when it comes down to it, I have that same strength of spirit.

P.S. I just bought this documentary today, so if anyone wants to watch it, let me know...

a discovery.

So, my aunt bought me these sweet speakers for Christmas. They are really nice but they have a seperate sub and this plug-in control thingy (I think that is the technical term for it). Anyway, using the control you can adjust the volume and the bass. Somehow, it happened that they got stuck with the bass on the maximum level, and wouldn't turn down. I tried everything to get them to work again, but they wouldn't, so I was getting ready to pack everything up and try to return it (would have been a bummer since they are mounted on the wall and the cables are all mixed in with the cables to my computer/external hard drive/every other electronic device I own...). Then today, out of nowhere, I tripped over the cord, and everything started working again.
All I can say is Jesus must have been answering my prayers about fixing them, because I was very vocal yesterday about NOT wanting to take everything apart. ;)

slammed!

Today was another crazy day at work. I spent over 8 hours there and pretty much the only thing I did all day was attend to immediate needs. Forget planning ahead for anything. Usually we have a pretty good system down, but with the bad weather and people off school and work, it has been literally nonstop for two full days. Everybody was working really hard, and a ton of people couldn't make it in for their shifts, so people came in early and stayed long after they were supposed to. Shineadth even came in early and went to QFC to get us more milk (we ran out because our dairy shipment didn't come in last night). So, basically, things were... hectic.
I've heard the weather report for tonight is not good, and the art institute was closed all day today, which means I might miss my classes tomorrow. I am not too happy about that-- I really want to go. I guess it might be nice to have a break, but honestly, if roads/schools are closed tomorrow, and I don't get to go in for classes, I will probably just pick up an extra shift at work... they will probably need me.

Anyway. I am going to go do my homework, because if I do have school tomorrow, I want to be prepared. :)

snow days = no fun for baristas

Today was crazy. I am extremely tired. I am thinking of doing my homework for Thursday but I might just put it off until after work tomorrow. Not that it will be any easier tomorrow night... but I am just so tired...
I am supposed to pick a scene with good sound editing and bring it in to CO on Thursday morning. But I am running out of good stuff to bring him. Last class I picked Spider-Man and Band of Brothers. You really can't top those, so I'm basically screwed. I think I might do 12 Monkeys... I will have to go watch it.

I can already tell this whole week is going to be crazy. But I get the whole weekend off, and I am already really excited for it.

i pretty much love channing tatum

what I think you think

Do you ever wonder what people say about you behind your back?
I don't mean this at all in an angry way. It's just one of the things I think about.
Even if your friends don't talk about you behind your back, the close ones still know your flaws, maybe even better than you do. Don't you wonder what the things are that annoy them the most about you?
I consider myself to be a pretty good friend, but I know I have my flaws. I am the kind of friend who will drop everything to help someone if they need it. I am loyal, too. All the friends I have now are friends that have stuck for years and years. I am a pretty good listener. I usually know when to offer advice and when to keep my mouth shut.
But, if I were to guess the things my friends don't like about me, here is what I would guess: sometimes, I get a little snobby. About random things, too. I get caught up in the things I am doing and act like they are the most important things ever. Like school, work, and church. I also act like doing these things makes me the most grown-up person in the world, which is ridiculous... but it's still how I act.
My second guess would be that I don't spend enough time with them. This has only recently been an issue (in the last couple of years). But when they come home they are not always first priority and I think they notice that and are bothered by it. I want to be alone sometimes (ok, a lot of the time)... and it hurts my relationships and annoys my buddies. Someone once said to me that they felt like they had to always be in a state of emergency in order to get my attention. That made me feel bad, so I've been working on being a more attentive friend. It's been two years since that comment and I think by now I am finally doing a little bit better. I think.
The guys have different complaints, I'm sure. Probably that I get frustrated with them too easily and don't communicate why. Matt is a different story altogether (his is my most complex friendship), but he is pretty honest with me about stuff. And I know him wayyyyy too well (he is mad right now because I haven't visited him at school yet, for example. I can tell he is mad because he jokes about it frequently).

Annnnyway. My point being, I wonder sometimes what these things are, because if I knew, I could just fix them and then all my relationships would be great all the time. I know my friends won't tell me what they think I need to improve on, so I'm just guessing. I do know my own flaws pretty well, after all, because I get to deal with all of them every day.

n'est pas rien

Every time I run, I am getting closer and closer to my target distance. The last ten minutes or so, and especially the last five, I have to push myself to keep going. What I tell myself is that if I finish, I will feel good about myself. If I don't, I will just beat myself up over it later. So far I have never quit early or failed to reach my target for the day.

I wanted to write more but I am exhausted and I have a 6am shift tomorrow!