something to cheer you up

you can't NOT smile when you look at this picture.

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.
James A. Baldwin

The Complete Financial Guide For Young Couples

I picked up this book yesterday and it is really, really good. I know that probably sounds weird, but finances have been on my mind lately. I've never really had a reason to save or spend responsibly, and I tend to be a little impulsive. Sometimes I get into pretty minor debt, but I always pay it off as fast as I can and get back on track.
The reason why this hasn't landed me in (too much) trouble yet is that I don't have a lot of money to spend, and I (purposefully) do not own a credit card, so there's not really an opportunity for debt, as least not much of it. But I'm pretty bad at saving money.
Anyway, this is something I know I really need to work on because at some point I am going to have more money and the way I use it will matter to more than just me. From what I have seen poor finances can be a huge stressor and source of fighting in a marriage. And I don't want that for my family. So I figure I should start learning now so that when I get married I can do it right.
This book is really wise, and I think every couple who is planning on getting married should read it (together). It's a good pre-emptive measure. Plus it has already made me re-evaluate some of the things I've been thinking. The author is a Christian and he teaches a sound Biblical approach to managing money. It's not really anything I've heard before, but at the same time, it seems like common sense.
The author spends a lot of time talking about how (and why) opposites attract, and he paints a very beautiful picture of the "oneness" of marriage... how two people are designed so their strengths and weaknesses, when brought together, balance each other out. It makes me very thankful for Matt because he is very organized and responsible when it comes to most things, especially finances, and it is a good check for me.

Anyway, all of that to say, I really like this book. It is helpful, and it is interesting to read. So I recommend it.

I mentioned that lately I'm trying to pay closer attention to the good marriages I see. But in the last couple weeks I have been reminded that I can learn from others' struggles as well- if I am attentive to them. So I am actively disciplining myself in areas where I know my weakness will damage my relationship. As a pre-emptive measure of my own.

school

Finished my last class on Thursday and now I'm taking a break. That means I'll be picking up more hours at work and hanging out with my friends who are home for the summer (or for small parts of it). I was almost certain that I was in trouble this term, but I managed to pull through finals week and maintain my GPA. So that's good.

I'm taking tomorrow off and I think I'll get up in the morning and go for a run. We'll see.

"Processing things in community" isn't all it's cracked up to be. It depends on people either all being on the same page or being understanding of someone who isn't. And of course these is pressure to "be real" with people but for what purpose? So others can judge the validity of your feelings or so that you can hear them repeated to people you would not have chosen to tell them to?
Where there is even the slightest opportunity for judgement or gossip, people will take it.
All of this to say, I really don't feel like sharing anything with anyone right now. I'm pretty much done.

There's this theory called the James-Lange Theory of Emotion. What it says, basically, is that your brain learns how to interpret feelings based on how your body is responding. That sudden drop in your stomach that tells you you're feeling anxious... or the tears running down your face that tell you you're sad... those are examples.
The other part of the theory is that you can control your emotions by controlling your body. Smile and stand up straight, and eventually you'll feel happier. Or lie in bed and mope around all day and you'll feel depressed.
My body tells me I don't want to feel better. I want to remain anxious and angry and afraid. But my mind tells me I need to move on. I need to get things done. I have a life that I need to tackle today, a project I need to finish, and a final to study for. I can't afford to be anxious or distracted.
So I am making a concious effort for the following things: to be focused. To work hard, even though I don't feel like I can. To forgive what I can (or move in that direction).
It's like putting a smile on my face and waiting for the happiness to follow. I guess I'm putting a lot of faith in the hope that it will.

Yesterday I hung out with Matt the entire day. We mostly just stayed at his apartment, cleaning and organizing stuff. It looks really nice. Also we vaccumed up enough hair to comprise an entire Zeus. That cat sheds like crazy. I wore a black shirt and by the end of the day I looked like a giant grey hairball.
It was nice to just relax after such a stressful week. I basically bawled my eyes out every day last week and by Friday I was really getting tired of it. And also dehydrated.
It was a blessing to be able to just hang out, have fun and enjoy each others' company. I'm really glad he's around, because he's pretty much the only thing that's keeping me sane right now.

Job 7:11-20 (NLT)

I am tired and there is no end in sight
God, I just want to run

Tonight Matt and I spent some time with the Rameys. It was weird-- a response to all of the things that have happened. Or that's what it was going in. It turned into something else, and that was weird. Sometimes you find yourself saying something and you think, where did that come from? And why didn't I recognize/articulate that earlier? Today was one of those days.
Anyway, on the way home I listened to this song on the radio, and it really means nothing about this current situation, but it just felt good to listen to this at this moment. I don't really expect anyone to understand what I'm talking about, I am just talking, after all.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

I didn't sleep that well. Mostly because of the thunderstorm, but also because I feel nauseous.
And hopeless. I have built up some role models over the past few years. My parents, the Rameys, the Wolvertons, the Fergusons, the Lewises (my aunt and uncle)... to name a few. I have watched them all closely for many years.
Since Matt and I have started dating, I have paid even closer attention. How do they speak to each other? Or about each other? What do they do together? Do I see them argue? How do they support each other, what does that look like?
The thing is, I really want to get married someday, and when I do, I want it to be strong and healthy and beautiful. I want a relationship like the one my parents have. Or rather, I need that kind of relationship because failure is not an option. And I desperately, desperately want to be happy, and to be the best wife I possibly can be. I want to honor God and honor my husband. I want to be the one who helps him realize his dreams. I want to know how to build him up and support him and love him and I want us to grow closer together and closer to Christ.
I am absolutely terrified of messing this up. So I watch people. I watch people who I think have good, strong, healthy marriages and I try to figure out what makes them that way. And despite all the bad marriages that are out there, that I have seen, I have never felt truly scared of getting married until now.

let the torture end!

I desperately miss my friends. They have been gone since February and I haven't even spoken with them since then (except for an occasional e-mail or text). It seems like a ton has happened. Kristin got engaged, I started dating Matt (which I guess is small in comparison but it feels very big to me), and Becky has been living in an immersion program in Argentina where she is only allowed to speak in Spanish! Brianna ended school a few weeks ago but she has been touring with a theater troupe since then, so I have not gotten to see her yet.
Anyway, it is finally June, and that means they are coming home, one right after the other (literally). So now I am just counting down the days:
June 23- Kristin
June 24- Becky
June 25- Brianna

Yay! I hope this month passes quickly.

more drama at the Owen house

So last night my parents came home from their anniversary trip to the beach (it's their 25th this year), and I guess they were sitting around with my brother playing a game when they heard my sister screaming upstairs...
"Help me! Help me! I just pooped in the toilet and it overflowed!"

Thank God I was at work or I probably would have been roped into the family adventure of mopping up the mess...

some people are so rude

Today at work a customer brought back a drink complaining that there were coffee grounds in his cup. Of course he had already had most of the drink, but here's the thing. It was an espresso drink. There's pretty much no way coffee grounds could get in that cup.
Which really bothers me. There's really no reason to lie, because we remake drinks all the time for absolutely no reason. And yet people do lie. And sometimes I am soooooo tempted to just hit them with some smart retort. Especially when they're rude liars. But of course I don't.
This guy was particularly rude to me and even after we remade his drink he grabbed up all of his trash, stomped away, and on his way out of the store, threw all the trash on a nearby table.
Seriously, some people are so effing rude that I just want to slap them.
It's worst when they're regular customers, because I see these people almost every day.
Anyway... that's pretty much all I have to say.
I'm already over it.

matrix of meanings

A couple years ago, while previewing colleges, I picked up this book at Biola (which is supposed to have a pretty impressive film center). While I wasn't really thrilled with their facilities or equipment, they do seem to have a pretty well-developed understanding of the use and need for Godly people in the mainstream media. It was one of the only Christian schools I went to that didn't treat a career in TV or Film like something that was inherently wrong. Like God is absent from the mainstream media. I visited quite a few schools who believed that working in TV or film would only be "right" if you were doing it with a Christian agenda. Which I think is a pretty ignorant view to hold.
Biola is one of the few schools that understands the importane of pop culture. That sounds kind of dumb, but I really do mean it. Pop culture isn't bad in and of itself. God isn't absent from it. Rather, God uses these things to reach people in ways we never would have dreamed of... and that is pretty impressive. So being a Christian in this field doesn't mean running in the opposite direction. Or limiting yourself to directing movies that star Kirk Cameron (sorry, I'm not a fan).
Anyway, I digress. The point is, this book is cool. It makes me feel like there are others out there who find value in the things I value. Who really get the concept of being in the world but not of the world. And don't try to define God's power or reach over culture.
There is one thing that kind of made me smirk. The guy talks about postmodernism and the emerging church-- the "cool" new trend for the church. Then he talks about how, like with everything else in our culture, it has already begun to lose its edge. How POST-postmodernism is already beginning to form. (this was a few years ago that this book was written)
It makes me smirk because, on the one hand... what the..? Post-postmodernism? Are you kidding?
But, on the other hand, I see it. I feel it. Sometimes I feel just as alienated by the emerging church as any other church. Sometimes it feels like we've swung the pendulum too far in the other direction, and I kind of want to push back. I'm sure there are many people out there who would disagree with me. That's cool. I'm just saying... sometimes I feel like we're completely missing the point.

(Anyway, Kristin, there is an update for you. You can't withdraw your approval based on my blog. If so then I withdraw my approval from the entire continent of Australia. You haven't been updating too frequently either.)

jerry falwell is dead

Weird huh?

There are many reasons...

...why I hate gardening, but this is the biggest one:



The chances of encountering them greatly increase when you seek them out in their natural environment.


You may look at this picture and say to yourself "aww, that is cute! Why would anyone hate frogs?" but if that is what you are thinking, think again. Try image searching "mutant frog" or "three-headed frog" and see what comes up. Then you will understand the true horror of these repulsive creatures.

happy, and also jealous

My best friend is engaged!!!

I am really excited and happy for her. Unfortunately, both she and Jon (her fiance) are in Australia right now so we can't do the whole screaming/crying/obsessing over her pretty ring thing. Which I miss. And her.

I can't believe it. I am just really excited! Almost overflowing...

:)

Also though, I have an amazing and adorably sweet boyfriend who I love. And he makes me really happy.

So... life's not all bad. ;)

Can I just be honest

I have to say, I love Ethnos. I really do.
But lately, I am just burnt out on the church. I look at my schedule every week and it is full of church commitments. Things that I do out of obligation and because of pressure and not because I love my community or I love Jesus or I want to serve. I am surprised at how bad my attitude has gotten. I want to fix it, but I don't know how.
The key word in all of this is pressure. Sometimes church just feels like an unrelenting burden that I carry around. I do things because I have to do them. Because if I don't do them then I am not fulfilling my role in this community.
So I started slowly dropping things and hoping it would make me feel a little better, when I was less busy and less stressed. No sacred space; no coming early on Sundays anymore. For a while I couldn't go to community group because of school. I missed it, and I came back. But still, there is this restlessness and stress that follows me everywhere, poisons my attitude and makes me not want to do the other things I have committed to doing. Girl's night on Monday night. Meeting with my mentor. Community group. Sacred space. Hermeneutics, Sunday Gatherings. Not to mention all the informal gatherings and stuff that I participate in. All of these things to do. And not that I hate any one thing, but the combination was so overwhelming. I feel like I am always "on", that I am always trying to fulfill all the "ministry opportunities" I'm being asked to participate in. And there is the constant push for more. Talk to more people. Welcome coffees. Children's ministry. If you're not doing these things, you should, because by not doing them you are being disobedient and you're directly responsible for the financial failure of the church.
I'm just saying. I know I have a horrible attitude. I am fully aware of how bad it really is. I'm just saying, this is how I feel.
The worst part is, despite doing all of these things, despite being surrounded by a community that loves me and wants to invest me, and who I am constantly spending time with, I still feel alone. I still feel like I'm waiting to be trained and invested in. And I don't mean that to accuse anyone or make anyone feel bad. Really. I just feel isolated. And I don't know why.
Sometimes, my parents tell me about the training they got when they were my age and in college, and I am so jealous. I wish someone would teach me like that. I wish I knew how to study the Bible and draw closer to God. I would go so far as to say that I don't just want these things, I desperately need them and I feel like I'm drowning without them. How do I keep doing ministry when I am this discouraged and when I don't feel like I am growing? I just want to quit everything.
Sometimes, on days when my attitude is particularly bad, I wonder why I don't want to do my part. I try to push myself to get over it and then end up resenting my commitments and myself for not following through or taking up my cross. I wish I didn't have this horrible attitude, but I don't know what to do. I pray that my heart will change but week to week I am more distracted and discouraged.
I wonder sometimes if I have what it takes to be part of a church plant like Ethnos. I don't know if I do. Seriously.

New term, new classes. I did pretty well last term (despite my fears and the nagging suspicion I might barely squeeze by in sound production). Suffice it to say that I am on track to reach my GPA goal (so far). I have some pretty sweet classes this term: Psychology and Editing, which I'm excited about.
Other than that, life is full of a lot of work and a lot of random commitments (sp?). Work is going really well... in fact, I have my 6-month review tomorrow, which I've been looking forward to, because it means I get a formal evaluation and a performance-based raise (YAY). It might sound funny, but I'm actually looking forward to the evaluation part of it, too. I want to know how I'm doing and what I can do better. I like my job, and I think I do it pretty well, but there are always ways to improve... and I like setting goals and feeling like I am reaching them. I don't know how temporary my position is (it's treating me well; I might stay at Starbucks for a while), but I think people are generally happier when they have a good attitude about their job, take pride in what they do, and do it to the best of their ability. So even if I end up leaving in another 6 months, I still want to be knowledgeable and friendly and just good at what I do for as long as I do it. It may not really be that important in the grand scheme of things, but it makes me happy.
The other thing I've been trying to do lately is get more organized, especially with my finances and stuff like that. I decided to start repaying my loans now, since I have a lot of disposable income and it would be really easy for me to just blow through this phase and waste money on random crap. That's usually what I would do. So I am trying to make more responsible long-term choices like paying off my loans, building credit, saving for retirement, planning/sticking to a budget, and trying to put money into savings. We'll see how all of this goes. It is not easy for me to think long-term about things like finances, so this is a big (but necessary) learning experience for me.


Anyway... this blog was probably boring but... oh well, I wasn't sleepy, so I just needed to bore myself a little.