my sweetie is sick :(

I think Matt has the flu. So he has been sleeping a lot. Which leaves me with random pockets of time and nothing to do. For some reason I've just watched like 5 episodes of scrubs back to back.
Also, on a (seemingly) unrelated note, if you have not eaten at Fresh Thyme Soup Company, you must. The food is delicious. The guy behind the counter is a little weird though.

So, in summary, I hope that Matt feels better and that I don't get sick too.

So the last few days have been a crazy whirlwind of activity and I am pretty much exhausted. I suppose I could type a long blog detailing all the fun but what is the point? (Plus I think the bachelorette party is supposed to be kept a secret.)
But the highlights of this weekend were: meeting and hanging out with all the bridesmaids, a weekend of partying, spending a sleepless night in a hotel suite with my best friend (heh), the delicious rehearsal dinner (and wedding food, actually), hiding a lot of kleenex in my bouquet, crying uncontrollably during the ceremony when Jon shared his vows, kessler's flask full of vodka at the reception, kristin walking down the aisle looking like a freaking model from a bridal magazine, signing their marriage license, giving a (mostly) tear-free wedding toast, and seeing Jon's dad do the macarena. And seeing all my friends from high school.

I can't believe my best friend is married! I am so happy for her. It was a great weekend.

I forgot why I loved the media... and then I remembered

I've had some really interesting social opportunities with my coworkers lately.
I had two separate conversations with two separate coworkers about organized religion, Jesus' death and salvation, the inerrancy of scripture and separation of church and state. Both of these started because of movies I had recently watched (Apocalypto and Jesus Camp). It seems weird that a discussion about apocalypto would lead into a discussion about the crucifixion of Christ, but it did and it was pretty interesting and enlightening. Those of my coworkers who are not Christian are generally pretty hostile toward the Christian faith, but I felt like both times the people were interested in talking and sharing their beliefs with me. So I learned some pretty cool stuff about some people that I work with, and we actually managed to talk about religion (and politics) without killing each other. Crazy!

Porter

I'm pretty sure my dog is going to die soon. He has been sick and he is almost 15, so it is probably his time to go. The annoying thing is that my family hasn't been putting much effort into taking care of him, I was the one who took him to the vet and my parents decided not to pay for the blood test he needed done. It is certainly expensive, but it's supposed to alert us of any major issues that could be causing him pain. The vet did call us but since I have been working no one answered the phone or called him back to discuss the results of his tests.
I would really like for my dog to be put down if there's something seriously wrong with him. I don't want him to be in pain or to wake up one morning and find him dead on our kitchen floor (which is probably what will happen).
Also, I'm not really sure how I feel about my dog. He has been our only real pet (I had a turtle once, very briefly) and I've grown up with him; we've had him since I was in kindergarten. At the same time though, I don't have a relationship with my dog like other people have with their pets. He is there and I am there, I feed him and occasionally walk him or pet him, but that's pretty much it.
I have learned a lot about what pets can mean to people by watching the Hartzells. They love their pets more than anyone I know. Ashley lost her puppy recently, and I feel worse for her than I would for myself if my own dog died (I think) because Jack meant a lot more to Ashley than Porter means to me.
But I haven't really lost a pet before. I've lost people and that was a big deal, so it seems like a pet would be nothing in comparison. But I do worry about Porter, so maybe that says something, because if I didn't love him I wouldn't worry.
Also, my brother really loves Porter, so I will feel sad for Daniel when our dog dies, because I know he will have a hard time with it.

Anyway, that's all I have to say. I don't really know how I feel so I was trying to think out loud, but it didn't really get me anywhere.

The holidays are already stressful and it's not even December yet.
Also, I forgot that in the winter I am lucky if I'm healthy for more than a few days at a time.

I remember a time when I thought blogging (and checking my email, and being on AIM, and myspace, and facebook, and the forum) was cool, and did so regularly, but that time is like a distant dream...

Thanksgiving!

Today is my favorite holiday of the year. What could be better than lots of food, board games, movies, sitting around lazily all day, and of course, my family on their best behavior? I also like that the commercialism, for the most part, skips straight from halloween to Christmas, which means that I am not already sick of Thanksgiving by the time it is upon us.
I have a well-deserved day off from work today (I've pulled a couple late nights this week), and the weather is gorgeous, so I am in a great mood and eagerly awaiting the arrival of my cousins... some of them I have not seen in a year. Ian has been on a missions trip to Argentina since I saw him last. So it will be fun to catch up with everyone.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

annoying

So I burned my foot pretty badly a few weeks ago. And it's been taking a long time to heal. I went to the doctor afterward and he told me it would take about a month. At the rate it is going I think it will take a lot longer, but that is beside the point.
It started to heal a little bit and now when I am sitting still, or trying to fall asleep at night, it itches so badly that I think it's going to drive me insane. The only cure for it is to soak it in saltwater which of course makes it burn. But that is, unfortunately, more bearable.

Sorry, is this TMI? I don't know. This is my blog so I can blog about whatever, right? Tonight I feel like blogging about my itching open wounds... hope you like to hear about that stuff. :)

P.S. The worst part is that we are out of Epsom salts, so I think I'm going to have to use regular salt now... I don't know if it works the same, I don't know anything about chemistry... I almost failed it in high school.

My dad told me this cool story

This story is about when my parents were dating, way back in the day.

So they'd been dating about a year and it got to that point where the girl (in this case, my mom) finally said, "So are you gonna marry me, or what?"
Both my parents were very involved with the Navigators when they were in college, which, if you don't know, is a huge Christian organization. So they were both pretty firm in their faith and involved in leading bible studies and stuff. Anyway, my dad was doing a bible study about waiting on God. And, as he put it, "the whole point of waiting on God is that you're waiting on God, not that you're just suspending decision-making until you get too impatient." So he told my mom he was waiting on God to direct him. (According to my dad she didn't like this answer much, but I'll give my mom some credit, I'll bet she was pretty patient with him.)
So, it came to the point where a decision finally needed to be made, and my dad still didn't feel like he was getting any answers from God, so he went into a theater at OSU and prayed. He told me this was the only time in his life where he felt he had a spiritual vision, although I'm not exactly sure what that looked like. Anyway, he said he was reminded so forcibly of Abraham and Isaac that he felt God calling him to a similar choice: either choose to follow God wherever He led, or get engaged to my mom. So after a lot of wrestling and frustration, my dad told God that he would follow him no matter what the cost. And God's response, according to my dad, was, "Then you can have Anne."

I thought this was a cute story (I like to think about what my parents were like at my age/life stage), but, more importantly, I thought it was very telling as to the future strength of their marriage. So I like it, and thinking of this story brightened my day a little today.

P.S.

I might throw up again.
I just thought you'd all like to know.

My brother sucks. Part 1,789,873

I'm having a crappy day; it's part of a larger, crappier weekend. Or, if you're willing to travel back in time with me a bit further, we could call the previous 8 days pretty frustrating.
You see, last weekend, after months of (we thought) sobriety, my brother went missing and came home with the following: no recollection of the previous night, a hangover, a nasty black eye and a hospital bracelet. After some digging we discovered that he had gotten drunk with some friends and caused such a scene that he was arrested, hog-tied, and pepper-sprayed before he was taken to the hospital.
The following evening, he announced that he would like to quit smoking pot. Having heard this promise several times from him in my short life, I decided to suspend judgment. You see, I've been told many times in a variety of ways that I need to forgive my brother and continue to give him a second, third, fourth (I've lost count of what number we're on now) chance. So I put in a good solid effort. I even hung out with him several times last week and played board games.
So, yesterday was Kristin's bridal shower, and we were out all day getting ready and hosting this shower. When we came home at about 5 o'clock in the evening, my brother was gone and had left a note saying (among other things) that he would find somewhere else to live. Apparently he had gotten stoned and fought with my dad. My dad was going out and told him he could not be alone in the house with my sister (this is a promise they made to her for her comfort/safety). Daniel pitched a fit and left. He has no cell phone so we didn't see him or hear from him all last night. Needless to say, it was a shitty night and although we all tried to remain cheerful I was pretty much livid. Matt and I hung out with Becca to prevent further shenanigans (with my siblings, these things often come in twos).
This morning I woke up nauseous (I get up at 4 am on Sundays). I was at work roughly an hour before I decided I probably couldn't handle it. I called every co-worker and only two people answered their phones (they couldn't help me) and no one else even called me back. Which was frustrating, especially since I was literally throwing up in the bathroom on my breaks, but there was nothing I could do about it. It was too busy for me to leave. So I worked the whole shift (and for those of you who are disgusted by this, just FYI, I didn't make drinks, touch food, or even touch cups. I just touched money). Anyway, when I came home I was starting to feel better, until Daniel showed up on the front porch. The conversation went like this:
Daniel: Am I welcome?
Dad: That depends, are you stoned?
Daniel (haughtily): No.
Dad: Then I guess you're welcome.
(Daniel starts walking up the stairs)
Dad: We're going to have to talk about what happened last night.
Daniel: I have nothing to say to you (slams door).

Not exactly the contrite spirit you'd be hoping for in this situation, but my brother is a self-centered drug addict, so I expect nothing more.
Anyway, I have said this about 5 billion times already, but I am tired of this. Life needs some more stability. We need to be able to go a week without a major crisis. It is so unbelievably childish to run away from your home or your problems, but I have put up with this no less than 4 times in the past year and a half, twice with police intervention.
So (and please keep in mind I am not looking for anyone's opinion on how to "deal with" my brother, I think unless you have been in this situation yourself, it is so easy to simplify it down to forgiving your brother seven times seventy, and that's not what real love or real life is about). So, anyway, I am tired and pissed and feel trapped, and need to vent. Because I don't know what else to do, I have had enough from him.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.

i am trying to think of something to paint

for work, I was talking to my coworker today and I am thinking something related to social justice. Especially because it's Starbucks and that means whatever it is, it will be seen by a lot of people. So it would seem wrong to me to put up something completely self-serving. But then, there are so many things I would like to change about the world, what would I choose to paint?

My coworker Trisha, who is a talented photographer, had a really good idea about juxtaposing images of modern Americans (especially children) with images of children from third-world countries. I like that idea but since it is hers I can't use it.

I think I have an idea but I'm not sure if I'm ready to run with it or not.

Across the Universe

This movie was so, so good. People mostly told me it was just alright but I LOVED it. I want it to come out on DVD so I can watch it again.
I love The Beatles. And I thought these were the best Beatles covers I have heard, including the I Am Sam covers, which is saying a lot.
Also, I am usually not a fan of musicals, but this seemed like it worked together pretty well. And I liked how they referenced songs without singing them, like She Came In Through The Bathroom Window. And I liked how they mixed the really famous with the not-so-famous ones.
I Want You (She's So Heavy) was pretty genius.

I have been praying hard these days.
My heart is just not in the right place. It has not been for a long time, well over a year. This past year has left a lasting imprint on the way I treat and perceive other people.
Before, I would say that I was a genuinely compassionate and patient person, one who rarely held grudges or placed blame. And also a person who enjoyed other people. Now I would more describe myself as someone who is impatient with others, disappointed in most people, and bitter. And I do not enjoy people. Most people, in my experience, are a source of pain and frustration. I have mostly (and in some cases, completely) lost all desire to mend any broken relationships. I have grudges I won't let go, and people who I have distanced myself from, even within my own immediate family.
And I have been praying so hard about this, and I just do not see resolution. I don't feel any hope for myself. I am confused about what is right and wrong, just and unjust. What is justified anger and what is sin? Does being a Christian mean I suppress all my disappointment, that I smooth it over and for the sake of forgiveness pretend it doesn't exist? And, if so, if I don't speak it out loud, then how do I banish it from my mind? Just because I don't say it doesn't mean I don't feel it.
But I don't want to hate people. And if I'm being totally honest (which I am right now) I am dangerously close to that extreme with most of the people in my life. Which is scary.
So what am I supposed to do? I have been praying for compassion, for specific people. And I have been praying against my own pride and bitterness. I don't know what to do besides that. And when I read the Bible I get mixed answers. When I read the prophets I think that God must have a purpose for anger in His name, but He deals in mercy and grace. So where should I fall on that wide spectrum? And did He create this in me for a purpose, or is it a weakness that I want to pass off as a gift?
I feel completely encased in sin. In my own sin and in other peoples' sin, and it feels like a trap that is pressing down on me and making life miserable. And I am not talking just the big things, it is all the small things too. It is all of the inappropriate and immature things that are said. It is the gossip. It is divisiveness. And hypocrisy. And selfishness. It is just everything. Everything about humanity, about how we sin and drag God's name through the mud every day. It disgusts me. My own sin and pride disgust me. This burdens my heart, and I do not know how to shrug it off and enjoy people in spite of sin.

I don't know if this makes sense, and I don't really even care, I'm not looking for feedback or anything. I think that my anger is most sinful when I hold onto it by fooling myself into thinking it is righteous. I can do that if I keep it in, but I can't do it if I admit to it. I want to think I am always in the right, who doesn't, but I know I'm not. I am trying to admit I am wrong in my thinking, even though I'm not all the way ready to accept that fact yet. So how can I hide it if I put it out in the open? Then people can see my sin and judge it for what it is.

in your prayers

Over the weekend, my cousin's wife, Breena, had a miscarriage. We didn't know that they were pregnant (I don't think they had told anyone yet). Breena has had some unusual bleeding as well, so she is in the hospital right now. From what I understand she will probably be okay physically, but if you think of them this next week please pray for them. My cousin's name is Keith. They have only been married about two years and they are both very young (Keith is only a year older than me). Also, I believe they were overseas when this happened so it's not like they have the comfort of their family or regular doctors around them. So anyway, your prayers would be appreciated.
Also, I just found out my grandpa (my dad's dad) is going in for some heart tests this Thursday. He needs heart surgery so these tests are going to determine how they are going to go forward with that. So he and my grandma will be staying with us Thursday night. He is also showing the beginning stages of Alzheimer's so my dad and aunt are going to talk to his doctor about that as well.
So you can pray for him, (his name is Jack) his wife Barbara, my dad, my aunt Melinda, uncle Steve, and aunt Diane (those are all of his kids, and Diane is Keith's mom, so I'm sure she is very overwhelmed right now).

(UPDATE: Actually, it turns out Breena was in England with her mom when this happened, so Keith isn't with her. Also she was released today so she is probably on a flight home by now.)

I think most people have stopped reading this since I am no longer a consistent (or interesting) poster. Oh well. I know Matt and Vicki read this so I am blogging for you guys!

Jeremy asked me to put up some art at work for our next showcase, so I think I will make some new stuff... I am thinking something aids related, maybe involving plaster like that hands thing I did for Ethnos. I like to make big statements with my paintings and I am kinda tight on cash right now, so I have no money for canvases.

Hmmmmm... something to think about.

Also, the other day when I signed on to facebook my profile had changed from "art institute" to "art institute alum", which I think is a sign that I need to go back to school, because if I had done a full course load all the way through I would have had my degre by now. I think. Either that or I messed up when I entered my grad date. Anyway, it is depressing, so tomorrow I am going to look into PSU.

This weekend the six of us went down to Brookings, OR for Jessica's wedding. Jessica is my brother's best friend/a family friend. It was fun but also tiring because there was a LOT of driving. I was glad to have a weekend off from work since I have had a bit of a cold and it gave me a chance to rest.
The wedding was fun and different from most weddings that I have been to. I have seen everything weddings-wise, from the whole shebang at the Old Church with a reception at the Benson, and then this. Jake and Jessica got married in the backyard of her grandparents' house. There were about 30 or 40 guests. The groomsmen wore white polo shirts and the groom himself wore a white collared shirt with the sleeves rolled up (no jacket). We all felt a little overdressed. The ceremony was about 15 minutes long, and included the wedding party walking in to the theme from Braveheart. Jessica walked in to "Something" by the Beatles, which I thought was actually a really cute choice.
Anyway, it was all really mellow and laid-back. I thought it was fun for them, and it was a fun wedding to attend...
On Sunday when we drove back, my family decided to stop at the Dunes so Matt could see them (he had never been to the Oregon Dunes before). We went on what was supposed to be a 2.2 mile walk and ended up being at least a 5 mile hike. It felt like much longer due to the fact that the trail wove in and out of the dunes. So you basically walk forever and feel like you are getting nowhere. No one had really brought the right clothes for the hike (I was wearing a wool coat) or any water, and most of us didn't want to go on a hike in the first place. So it was hot and miserable. We'll call this strike two for my mom's hiking books. The first one sent us on a "12" mile hike (it was actually 17).
Other than that not much is up, Matt is going to Quake this weekend up in Spokane so I picked up some shifts at work. And that's all that's going on with me.

good morning

This morning my dog pooed all over the kitchen floor. It smelled HORRIBLE.
I also don't understand how so much poo can fit in one little dog's body.

Ahh.

Sometimes people just piss me off.

Tania Head

I had never even heard of her before today, which I guess just shows my ignorance since she was apparently an American hero/9-11 survivor. But for some reason her story (or lack thereof) intrigues me greatly. What leads someone to craft such a complex story? A need for attention?

I'm sure you have all read the news and if you haven't then Tania Head is the former VP of World Trade Center Survivors' Network. She made up a bogus story about her escape from the south tower including a fake job, fake education, fake fiance... her story even references known casualties of 9/11.

he didn't get any (monetary) gain from the story, but it just makes me wonder why. Weird. And how did no one catch this for multiple years?

I am tired and I can't sleep
again.