oh man, oh man

I have this cold that I just cannot shake. Maybe because of getting up at 3 for the past 3 days in a row... maybe because it just needs to run its course. But either way, my head hurts, my throat feels raw and even though I've been napping in all my spare minutes I'm exhausted.
And, on the flip side of that, I have a TON of excess energy... I feel like I just need to move. I'm sure that sounds impossible since it pretty much is impossible. I think it has something to do with mental stress and overexcitement about the wedding day, cause it is coming up! Or maybe it has to do with the fact that I lost 20 pounds and I'm eating better than I have in like 10 years. I hear that will do it too. Who knows. But I bought some new running shorts and I'm aching to go to the gym... once I feel like I will survive a few minutes on the treadmill.

I also feel like our wedding stuff is (maybe? finally) pulling together a bit, which is nice. Not to say I am anything other than incredibly busy all of the time, but at least I have a structured and reasonable plan to conquer the madness in the time allotted.
Over the weekend my mom and I went down to Gresham and looked for beauty salons to make us pretty on the day of the wedding. I have never gotten my makeup done professionally and I've only gotten my hair done once (for my prom). And it will be a completely unreasonable and outrageous expense that I will never duplicate another day of my life, ever. So that is my big thing to pamper myself and I am excited. I also get to go in two weeks before and have a trial run so I can make sure they do things right. I'm not crazy about the idea of having to pay twice for the same hairdo but oh well. Maybe I will convince my sis to hit the town with me that night so it's not a complete waste.

Well, this rambling has been therapeutic but I need to do some work now... I have like 20 billion emails piled up from the week of never checking my email... ugh.

I'm getting married really soon.
I have so much stuff to do in the next 40 days that it seems close to impossible that I will be able to get everything done.
Also, it's time to buy new clothes. Or at least a belt. Yesterday I used a paring knife to drill a hole in my only belt so that it would actually keep my pants up.

In other unrelated news, Matt is in Washington this weekend and I don't have to go to work, AND Kristin is here from Seattle (but not Jon). So last night we hung out and watched a movie (I will not name the movie so as to save what little pride we have left). Anyway... it was fun. And today I am going to do lots of wedding stuff... and pack some things up to take to the condo. And throw out the rest of my fat clothes.

I have a ridiculous headache right now; it feels like someone drove a needle right between my eyes...
A couple of weeks ago my brother found a little puppy on the side of the road. She's adorable (half yellow lab and half german shepard; 4 months old) but she really annoys me. The last week or so I have been woken up every day by her or Porter barking or Daniel yelling at one of them. It makes me really mad. Plus she jumps up on you whenever you enter a room, bites you, chews on your shoes and pees all over the carpet. I keep waiting for her old owners to come and claim her, but I don't think it's going to happen and Daniel is pretty much set on keeping her. We have a full house as is and two dogs is just too much for me. (She just woke me up from my nap so I'm a little grumpy.)
Also, today was my first day at my new store and it went well. I was pretty nervous because I had never met any of the employees there before (not even the manager) and I had an opening shift so I felt pretty clueless. The store is much newer than Bethany Village and has all kinds of equipment I had never even seen before, so I felt like an idiot asking questions all morning long. The whole atmosphere could seriously not be more different than the last store. It was super slow all morning and I was just standing around... weird. But cool. I have a feeling I'm really going to like it there. Everybody told me when I first come to be very humble and not try and act like I know everything. I really don't feel like that is going to be a problem since, like I said, everything is totally different and I have new equipment and people and routines to learn.
In other news, there are two games coming up that I want to play very badly, Grand Theft Auto IV and Gran Turismo 5. I have spent countless hours of my life playing GT3 and GTA3 so I'm excited for the sequels. In fact today I came home from work craving some GT3 action. I hardly ever have time for video games anymore (when I was in school I used to play them for hours and hours on the weekends), so I'm hoping after the wedding I have some time to play them with Matt. Although the inconvenient thing for us is that we both like single player RPGs so it's not very often that we play games together... although GT5 is multiplayer and I hear GTA4 has a good multiplayer function.
So anyway, other news. I have just finished the book Tweak, by Nic Sheff (see previous posts about Nic Sheff/David Sheff/beautiful boy). It's weird because I met him about a month ago, heard him speak and talked to him for a bit. But that was before I really heard his side of the story and I feel like I had no idea at the time what he had been through and how much of a miracle his sobriety was (or the fact that he was alive in general). I suppose this is true with all recovering addicts. But I feel sincerely happy for him, almost like he is a friend of mine somehow. I suppose this is just because of how honest and open his book is. It seems like you know everything there is to know about him. There are secrets in that book that, if they were mine, I would keep them to my grave. And he just kind of puts it all out there. Which makes me really, genuinely glad for him and his family.
Anyway, I guess that is all I have to say for now. I should really be doing something else instead of wasting my time blogging, but I haven't blogged in a long time and I had lots to say...

You know what I find interesting?
I think people who are married or in a serious relationship can attest to this... how much more protective you are of your partner than of yourself.
Some days, after a particularly frustrating day at work, I will complain extensively about the things that bother me. Almost 100% of the time I have no intention of making any changes at my job but I'm merely blowing off steam. But Matt's response is almost always "you should quit" or "that job is beneath you". I'm sure he sincerely believes all that although the prospect of quitting my job is unrealistic, I'm making okay money and I (usually) enjoy what I do. Obviously there will be changes in the future, but for now it is okay.
Still, I find myself feeling the same way whenever someone is treating Matt unfairly, taking advantage of his skills or his willingness to help. I helped out with Quake for a long time before Matt and I started dating, and it was always an unrealistic work load. Still, I was so much more upset (once we started dating) by what he was asked to do than I had been by what I had done. That's just an example to prove my point...
Anyway, my dad says he has seen it a lot as a manager. He said some of his most heated arguments have occurred when a husband goes home and his wife tells him that his boss is treating him unfairly, underpaying him, etc. They sometimes come back and demand a raise or a promotion or they quit.
I just think it is funny. I suppose it is tied in with seeing and valuing your partners skills so much more clearly than they can themselves. I know that Matt seems to paint a much rosier picture of my education, abilities and work experience than I do.
This week for counseling one of our assignments was to list our dreams for ourselves and our spouse. I didn't have very many for myself (which, I guess, is probably because I feel my education is incomplete and therefore I am unprepared to hold the kind of job I really want). But I do have a lot of dreams for Matt, because I see all of his skills and believe he can make something out of every one. I wrote that I would like to support him going to seminary, and maybe we could serve in ministry together the way my parents have. Or some day he could be an elder, because he has a lot of maturity and wisdom to offer, and he is very concerned with the biblical accuracy of his decisions. Or he could be a musician... or start his own web design company... or stay at his job and climb the ladder. There are so many possibilities.
Anyway, it is just interesting to me. I feel so much more upset when Matt is wronged than when I am wronged. I guess that is just part of getting/being married but I think it's neat.

I've spent all day working on our wedding invitations (which I am designing all by myself, and assembling with a little help)... and I am bored...

Anyway, I'm off to draw a map of my grandma's house...

beautiful boy + tweak

So last night my family (everyone except Becca) drove out to clackamas to meet David and Nic Sheff. David Sheff is the author of the book I just finished reading (beautiful boy), which is about his son's addiction to crystal meth. And Nic just finished his own book (tweak), which is the same story but from a different point of view. He's 2 years sober right now.
David Sheff actually turned out to be sick, so I didn't get to hear him speak or talk to him, but his son shared his own story and it was pretty cool. The coolest thing was that my brother came with us and sat through the whole thing.
It's weird, you read a story about someone else's life and when it draws so many parallels to your own you feel connected to that person... but you realize that you still don't really know them. And it was really moving to hear the way people communicated at the book signing, because a lot of people shared their own struggles and were open and honest and you just don't get that very often in life.
Anyway, it was a cool experience.

Also, my mom and I have been doing weight watchers and I am not ashamed to admit it because it is awesome. I have felt much better since I've been eating healthier, exercising more, and getting more sleep. As of today I am down over 7 pounds from when I first signed up 4 weeks ago. So that is really cool. I'm wearing some old jeans today which is always a good feeling. And it makes my wedding-day goal seem more realistic to have successfully lost so much weight already. I can't wait to get my dress and have them tailor it down for me (it was a little on the small side when I ordered it, and I have lost 1 pants size already).
Yay for me!

I'm tired but I have a lot of things on my mind... thus I can't sleep despite the fact that I've been up since 3:00 this morning (thanks Trisha for the drunken texting).
We've been really busy this week between wedding stuff and condo stuff, but it's actually been pretty fun. The last two nights we have been up late painting and wandering around Home Depot looking at carpets/tile/fans/you name it. I actually think having a project to work on is helping relieve stress, because I feel like I am accomplishing something. So even though my wedding stuff has sort of fallen by the wayside a bit these last two weeks, I'm okay with it.
I've had my doubts about taking on the responsibility and time commitment of a fixer-upper, but it's great. I like working hard, especially when Matt and I are doing it together, and it's fun when we agree on how things should look (which, surprisingly, is almost all of the time- even on the wall colors we picked out). So that is a relief that we are working well as a team and having fun with it. It's exciting to see things changing already and look forward to all the things we have left to do.

Well, i'll probably watch some scrubs episodes... they never fail to put me to sleep... heh

beautiful boy

Nic's friend Stephen speaks. He describes his lifelong 'dance' with alcohol-- he was ten when he got drunk for the first time. His wife cries continuously.
'We love you so much,' she says to Stephen when it is her turn, 'but I have heard your remorse before. I have heard your promises. I can't live this way.'
James's wife speaks about how he has plummeted from 'the person I respected most in the entire world, my soul mate,' to someone consumed with pills at the expense of everything else. 'He went from being the kindest, gentlest-'
The counselor, in a quiet, even voice, interrupts. 'Try addressing him directly,' she says. 'Talk to your husband.'
Looking into James's eyes, trembling, she continues: 'You went from being the kindest, gentlest man I had ever know in my life to a stranger, yelling at me, listless, depressed, unkind, and unable to share any kind of openness and intimacy. I keep asking myself...'
She begins to cry.
And then another, and another. They tell their stories, address their loved ones, apologize, rail at them, and weep. Our similarities are profound. To varying degrees, we have spent years accepting and rationalizing behavior in our loved ones that we would never tolerate in anyone else. We have protected them and hidden their addiction. We resented them and felt guilty for it. We have been furious and felt guilty for it. We vowed not to take their cruelty or deceitfulness or selfishness or irresponsibility any longer and then we forgave them. We raged at them, often inwardly. We blamed ourselves. We worried-- worried incessantly-- that they would kill themselves.

PS

I have now learned never to be offended when I am not invited to other peoples' weddings. I find it ridiculous that entire books are written on wedding etiquette, but I have had a week full of hurt feelings, misunderstandings and assumed invitations... ugh.
I am just making a mental note never to put a bride and groom in the awkward position of extending an obligatory invitation.

people are leaving :(

Yesterday Jen, my favorite coworker, had her last day. She is going on maternity leave for the next three months-- exciting for her, but sad for us. I hope that she comes back and becomes a manager (she is assistant manager now) because she is so great to work with. And she is an amazing boss. I can't think of a single person at our store who doesn't love her. And that is pretty impressive given the drama that goes on in our store...

On another sad note, my family (the Lewises) are moving to Arizona in four days, which sucks. It was nice to have them here for a while at least. They are our closest family on my dad's side despite the fact that my cousins have lived in Afghanistan almost my whole life. At least now they will be closer (and safer).

I had a crappy day

I've decided to blog every night before I go to sleep because I think it helps me unwind.

Anyway, today was not the greatest day. We had in-store training (I'm sure you read about it on the front page of the Oregonian. Or heard about it in the news. Or saw it on yahoo). It broke up my work day so that I left work and pretty much had to come right back a couple hours later. I didn't get out of work until 9:20ish tonight and I was in a bad mood during the training because of the day I had leading up to it. The training is a good thing but I was not in the mood for it tonight.
Part of the reason I was in a bad mood today was that I had a bit of a scare with one of my friends... there were some concerns about their health so I was waiting all day to hear if they were going to be ok or not. It turns out they are but the wait was pretty horrible.

...On a totally different note... Sometimes I think I would prefer to have a desk job so I can focus on one task at a time and not be worried about hurting anyone's feelings or stepping on peoples' toes. I work very hard and take pride in my work. Especially considering what I get paid (little) and how much authority I am given (very little). I know people (/Starbucks reps) would say that I get paid more than most people doing the type of work that I do, but I feel like Starbucks as a corporation demands a lot from its low-level employees. They expect us to care about quality and business even though it has a minimal impact on the average barista. I'm sure plenty of people could give me reasons why everyone should think it's important but the fact is, they expect a lot of buy-in from people who are probably just working there for a part-time thing.
I actually do work very hard and pay attention to things like the average ticket, transactions per half hour, labor, sales, quality, speed of service, furthering my knowledge, etc, etc. Yesterday I spent three hours in voluntary training to learn even more about coffee so I can help my store to be passionate about whole bean and brewed coffee as a quality product.
And some days I wonder why I even work so hard when all that stuff seems to kind of get lost. I mean I seriously work my ass off going above and beyond what some of my peers do. Unfortunately this really just seems to bite me on the ass. And maybe there is no point in doing that. I suppose I would make the same paycheck whether I go the extra mile or not. And if I'm not going to get another promotion (which it doesn't feel like I will) then it's not even like I'm investing in my own future.

Anyway, today just pissed me off. Some days I feel that I work hard for absolutely no reason, and today was one of those days. I think working has to do much more with the principle than with the paycheck. Because if I couldn't take pride in/feel good about my work, I would quit my job even if it meant giving up a steady paycheck.

Tomorrow is a day off, which is good, because I am burnt out and I need clean laundry really badly...

life and family

I feel really busy.
So the last few weeks I have been doing a lot. Matt and I looked for condos and hopefully are in the process of buying one. He moved (which, admittedly, I played a minimal part in). I'm trying to work as much as possible to maximize cash on hand. Which means I am picking up about one extra shift a week. I know that most people work 40 hours a week and that's not something to complain about, but now that I'm only getting one day off a week to do wedding planning, it feels like a lot. My room is trashed and I've been washing the same clothes to wear to work over and over again because I can't find any other ones.

Also, wedding planning is turning out to be a bit more than I bargained for. It stresses me out. I'm trying to keep things simple and delegate but it's still a lot of stuff to juggle.

So today we went out to Gresham and met with my grandparents to look at their property for the wedding. My grandma was very excited and surprisingly laid back. She said we could do whatever we wanted. So we talked about flowers and tables and chairs and all the other little stuff that goes into wedding planning.
Anyway, that's exciting because it means we actually have a date for our wedding! And now I can turn that stack of paper and ribbon sitting on my desk into pretty little save-the-dates.
Also, I am going with my mom tomorrow to order my dress. I found the one I want but I have to special order it and it won't come in for another three months. So that is also exciting. I realized in the process of trying on dresses that I am not as opinionated about the dress as most people are. I figure, you can either shop every single store til you find the absolute perfect one, OR, you can find one you like and looks good on you and buy it. Because, frankly, the more dresses you try on the more confused you get. And nothing is 100% perfect. So the dress is often this huge multiple month, multiple shopping trip ordeal.
So I'm not into all that, really. Although I have been getting pretty girly about the arts and crafts, which I guess makes up for it.

I hate it when, in movies, people cheat on their spouses.
I don't like it in real life either, but when it's paraded around for the sake of "entertainment"... well that really gets under my skin.
There are a lot of reasons why I hate it. Mainly because it saddens me. Also because it may actually be an accurate reflection of life, what with more than 50% of marriages ending in divorce.
But most of all I hate it because I don't want to see it. I hate to think that something so hurtful could be so romanticized to the point that we call it entertainment.

I remember the first time I really pondered this was when I saw the movie Lord of War, which was a couple of years ago. And the main character in the movie had no conscience. I mean, the guy sold guns to children. But still, when he cheated on his wife (who was, of course, a very devoted and loving wife who had no idea what her husband was) I was still shocked. It didn't really help that in that particular situation he was sleeping around with African prostitutes in a region where there was an 60% HIV rate, and of course he went home and slept with his wife after that. Which I suppose is reasonable given his character. But still, promising to love and cherish and protect someone your whole life and then exposing them to a deadly STD is disturbing (and also, thankfully, illegal).

But anyway, my point is that I wish this wasn't so prevalent in our culture that it is accepted as good or right, which is how it's often portrayed.

Anyway, I need to get to sleep because I have to work early tomorrow...

change is coming

So it has been a pretty crazy week. Well, it's only been 6 days. But it seems like there is a lot of stuff going on, too much for one week.
Yesterday Matt and I (but mostly Matt) got pre-approved for a mortgage loan. He needs to be out of his apartment by the end of February, so we are going to look for a condo next week. It is both exciting and overwhelming. We will probably get a fixer-upper type place, which I am excited about. Matt has lived in two different apartments in the time we've been dating, and I've lived in one before, and the one thing that really bothered me about it was that you couldn't make it yours. You couldn't fix stuff if it broke or make things better. So I am looking forward to doing those kinds of things. Hopefully we will earn some money on the place.
It is crazy to be getting married and buying a home, I never imagined we would be able to do those two things at the same time. I was prepared to wait a long time to own a place. But Matt and I have tried to be very conscious of our spending and saving. Matt more so than me; I don't have much to contribute. But anyway, the end result is that we are probably going to own our own place very soon and that is pretty freaking cool.
I have also been scrimping and saving and I'm going to be buying a car pretty soon here, probably in the next couple of weeks. Nothing fancy, just something that successfully gets me from point A to point B. This is still a really big deal for me because it will be the first major purchase I will make on my own. I decided several months ago that I didn't want to bring more debt than I had to into our marriage so I waited until I could just buy a cheaper car without making payments. It has taken longer than I thought but I am finally ready! That is exciting too.
And then of course there is wedding planning. And even though I watched other people do it and everybody kept telling me I would underestimate it, I still feel like I have underestimated it. So far we have made up a rough guest list and that's it. Although I feel like that's a pretty good accomplishment for this week.
Also I think I might go look at dresses tomorrow with my mom, Becca, and Brianna, since Matt is out of town. Everyone is telling me horror stories about dress ordering and shipping, so even though I'd rather wait, I'll probably look sooner rather than later. Because what if I end up being that horror story that has to walk down the aisle in a prom dress because her gown didn't ship in time?

man, i feel crappy today.

my sweetie is sick :(

I think Matt has the flu. So he has been sleeping a lot. Which leaves me with random pockets of time and nothing to do. For some reason I've just watched like 5 episodes of scrubs back to back.
Also, on a (seemingly) unrelated note, if you have not eaten at Fresh Thyme Soup Company, you must. The food is delicious. The guy behind the counter is a little weird though.

So, in summary, I hope that Matt feels better and that I don't get sick too.

So the last few days have been a crazy whirlwind of activity and I am pretty much exhausted. I suppose I could type a long blog detailing all the fun but what is the point? (Plus I think the bachelorette party is supposed to be kept a secret.)
But the highlights of this weekend were: meeting and hanging out with all the bridesmaids, a weekend of partying, spending a sleepless night in a hotel suite with my best friend (heh), the delicious rehearsal dinner (and wedding food, actually), hiding a lot of kleenex in my bouquet, crying uncontrollably during the ceremony when Jon shared his vows, kessler's flask full of vodka at the reception, kristin walking down the aisle looking like a freaking model from a bridal magazine, signing their marriage license, giving a (mostly) tear-free wedding toast, and seeing Jon's dad do the macarena. And seeing all my friends from high school.

I can't believe my best friend is married! I am so happy for her. It was a great weekend.

I forgot why I loved the media... and then I remembered

I've had some really interesting social opportunities with my coworkers lately.
I had two separate conversations with two separate coworkers about organized religion, Jesus' death and salvation, the inerrancy of scripture and separation of church and state. Both of these started because of movies I had recently watched (Apocalypto and Jesus Camp). It seems weird that a discussion about apocalypto would lead into a discussion about the crucifixion of Christ, but it did and it was pretty interesting and enlightening. Those of my coworkers who are not Christian are generally pretty hostile toward the Christian faith, but I felt like both times the people were interested in talking and sharing their beliefs with me. So I learned some pretty cool stuff about some people that I work with, and we actually managed to talk about religion (and politics) without killing each other. Crazy!

Porter

I'm pretty sure my dog is going to die soon. He has been sick and he is almost 15, so it is probably his time to go. The annoying thing is that my family hasn't been putting much effort into taking care of him, I was the one who took him to the vet and my parents decided not to pay for the blood test he needed done. It is certainly expensive, but it's supposed to alert us of any major issues that could be causing him pain. The vet did call us but since I have been working no one answered the phone or called him back to discuss the results of his tests.
I would really like for my dog to be put down if there's something seriously wrong with him. I don't want him to be in pain or to wake up one morning and find him dead on our kitchen floor (which is probably what will happen).
Also, I'm not really sure how I feel about my dog. He has been our only real pet (I had a turtle once, very briefly) and I've grown up with him; we've had him since I was in kindergarten. At the same time though, I don't have a relationship with my dog like other people have with their pets. He is there and I am there, I feed him and occasionally walk him or pet him, but that's pretty much it.
I have learned a lot about what pets can mean to people by watching the Hartzells. They love their pets more than anyone I know. Ashley lost her puppy recently, and I feel worse for her than I would for myself if my own dog died (I think) because Jack meant a lot more to Ashley than Porter means to me.
But I haven't really lost a pet before. I've lost people and that was a big deal, so it seems like a pet would be nothing in comparison. But I do worry about Porter, so maybe that says something, because if I didn't love him I wouldn't worry.
Also, my brother really loves Porter, so I will feel sad for Daniel when our dog dies, because I know he will have a hard time with it.

Anyway, that's all I have to say. I don't really know how I feel so I was trying to think out loud, but it didn't really get me anywhere.

The holidays are already stressful and it's not even December yet.
Also, I forgot that in the winter I am lucky if I'm healthy for more than a few days at a time.

I remember a time when I thought blogging (and checking my email, and being on AIM, and myspace, and facebook, and the forum) was cool, and did so regularly, but that time is like a distant dream...