Father's Day Thoughts... a little belated

The other night at work I saw something really cute. There was a dad there hanging out with his wife and little daughter (she couldn't have been much older than 18 months). The little girl was very upset and started to cry... but not just a little bit... she broke out into these huge, earth-shattering, heart wrenching sobs. Of course, her daddy scooped her up, pulled her close to him, and she buried her head in his shoulder and just started wailing.

I was watching this scene unfold and I was reminiscing about being a little girl myself and crying like that in my dad's arms. There is something really calming and reassuring about being held and encouraged to just cry it out. I doubt many adults feel comfortable enough with anyone to cry the way little girls do with their daddies.

Anyway, it made me think of my own dad, and the most random memory popped into my head. I know it is kind of weird that this is one of my favorite memories of my dad, but maybe it just goes to show that good dads are still your daddy no matter how old you get or what else is going on in your life.

So... here it is. My freshman year of college, I was living downtown with a roommate, and since she and I didn't always see eye-to-eye on things, I ended up coming home often and staying at my parents' house. They were (very generously) allowing me to drive their car on the weekends if I needed it, and feeding me when I came home (even though they gave me grocery money and paid my rent when I was in the apartment).

Anyway, this particular day was a Saturday, and I had a final in one of my classes... one that I wasn't doing very well in, so everything depended on the project I was about to present. I was staying at my parents' house, so I got up early and drove their car to my apartment, where I parked it on the street with my school project and backpack in the backseat. I ran upstairs to get something, and when I came back down to get in the car, I realized there was glass everywhere... all over the street, the curb, and the inside of the car. Also, my backpack was missing: although, thankfully, my project was still intact.

I had no cell phone and no way to contact anyone, so I had to drive to school and park the busted car on the street (and borrow someone's cell phone) while I tried to contact my parents and the police. I don't remember much of my final, except that my professor took pity on me and passed me regardless of the fact that I was probably on the verge of tears throughout my entire presentation...

But here is what I remember really vividly from that day. As soon as I finished my presentation, my professor released me and I was standing waiting for the elevator to go down to the lobby and wait for my dad. I forgot to mention that my dad was preparing for a trip to Malaysia (I was planning on taking him to the airport that afternoon). But he had said he would come down and help me work out all the details with the car- his car, which I had just, in my stupidity, caused damage to.

Well, I was standing in front of the elevator and the doors slid open, and there he was, standing there, looking worried. And the first thing out of his mouth was probably something like, "Are you okay?". And I just burst into tears like a two year old, and buried my face in his shoulder and cried and apologized for being so stupid and irresponsible. I was probably about 17 or 18, but I don't know if I remember another time where I was so thankful to see my dad. And what amazes me now when I think about that story is that really, he had every reason to be pissed at me, but instead he comforted me and seemed more concerned about my tears than the car window (which cost a LOT of money to replace). I don't know if I had cried like that for years and years, but there was a sense of "your dad is here, everything is going to be okay."

Anyway, that is probably my favorite memory of my dad. (The original blog post from that day is here: http://beatlesxforxsale.blogspot.com/2006/03/saturday-march-18th.html)

Also, watching this whole interaction, I got a little excited. I find it really telling that this child was there with both her parents, but she ran to her daddy for comfort. I was thinking of Matt and how he will get to be that source of strength and protection for our little girl. It was really beautiful to watch. I thanked God that that little girl had a daddy like that, and that I did, and that my daughter will.

I love being married. What an incredible gift.

Some things

Tomorrow we are leaving for our anniversary camping trip. I am really excited! I kind of wish we could be getting away for longer, but such is life. I am getting really burnt out at my job, and my schedule is basically the opposite of Matt's right now, which sucks.

I didn't realize how hard it would be to work while being so pregnant. Standing up for eight hours is hard enough when you are not prego, but by the end of a day of work my feet are killing me. Things are out of reach, and it's getting to the point where I can't even move things so that they are comfortably within my reach. That's hard. Especially if I am working with someone who is not understanding or helpful... that makes the whole thing worse.

I am allowed to take breaks more often now, but physically there is no possible way to do it, because we never have enough people working. I feel like it is reasonable that I should at least be able to take my breaks when they are required for normal (aka non-pregnant) employees, which is once every two hours, but even that can't happen. Most days I go three or four hours without being able to even sit down, and that makes me pretty feisty. Which, as you can imagine, is not ideal in a customer service type setting. I feel myself getting more short-tempered. I have a little less than two months to go, which is a long time to be so unhappy and uncomfortable...

The other thing is that my maternity leave is proving to be a difficult situation. I can't really go into detail, but I am starting to get a little worried about my job and whether or not I am going to be treated fairly for the next few weeks (and when I return). It is frustrating. I know that there are laws to protect me but I don't want to have to struggle for something that I have been promised. I suppose I don't yet know what the outcome will be, but I'm starting to prepare myself for the possibility that this may not be easy or go down quite the way it should.

The last vacation I took that was more than two days long was last summer for our wedding and honeymoon, and two days away from your job is not really long enough to feel refreshed and renewed... I want a solid vacation, and unfortunately this year it isn't going to happen. I'm looking forward to getting away from work and spending time with our baby, but that's not the same as taking a week off to relax. Which is what I really want.

Anyway, all of that aside, I am really excited to be going away for the weekend and spending time with my husband. I'm sure this is our last pre-baby getaway, so hopefully I will have plenty of energy and we can make the most of it and do some fun stuff together. I am looking forward to pwning him at mini golf. :) And showing him the sights around Fort Stevens 'cause he's never been.

Well, today I have a lot to write about, because I have been ruminating on some things for a while.

First of all, I have been reflecting on all the things I have learned about myself while being pregnant. I am the first of most of my friends to have kids, so I am trying to take notes so I can be a better support to each of them if/when they become parents. I am trying to think about which advice was most helpful, what comfort I needed (and when), what products I used, etc. I am trying to think of the interactions I have had with others that made me feel happy and supported, and the ones that made me feel insecure and worried. I am trying to store away all this knowledge so that I can be a good support system to my friends if they need it, but know when to keep my mouth shut if they don't.

For the last month or so I have been buckling down and reading a lot more about birth, parenting, relationships etc. I feel like I am finally ready (mentally) to face the prospect of giving birth. I was trying to describe the process of preparation to Matt... most of the time, in life, pain comes unexpectedly. It is weird to be staring the most physically painful and emotionally demanding event of your life in the face... and trying to prepare for it and accept it-- even look forward to it.

Angie gave me a good book early on, Birthing From Within, which I have been enjoying reading. It's about the mental and spiritual process you go through to prepare for birth and motherhood. There was a great quote in there, (I am going to paraphrase it because I'm too lazy to get up and get it) basically, that if women were really as weak as our current society would have us believe, the entire human race would have gone extinct long ago. I find that comforting and empowering, and I have tried to identify and deal with the fears I have regarding labor and parenting an infant. It has helped me ease my mind and approach the changes in life more confidently.

Finally, I have been reading up on family/marriage relationships once a baby is introduced and trying to think proactively about how Matt and I will tackle parenthood without losing our relationship. I picked up another fantastic book, And Baby Makes Three, last week and I have been totally engrossed in it. I love how it is so full of information and practical tips. I feel like every page is just crammed full of useful knowledge and I'm trying to take it all in.

It's comforting, in a way, to be reading about relationships, because I'm learning that Matt and I have a really good foundation in terms of our marriage and how we relate to each other. I know we are going to be facing a lot of stress and changes, but it seems like our habits and methods are basically on track and that is a big part of keeping your relationship healthy and vibrant (from what I am reading). We were talking about this last night, and Matt was commenting that maybe we haven't been married long enough to really fight about issues. But I can tell a difference even since the beginning of our relationship with how we approach conflicts. I would say we "fought" far more when we were dating, especially in the beginning, than we have since being married.

I am not saying that we are a perfect couple, but rather that I feel we are on a healthy trajectory... I know things will be different, and probably difficult, but I feel confident that we have the skills and resources to manage (and thrive). In a way it is a blessing to be forced to be more proactive with your marriage. It is easy to just let things happen, but having a newborn will mean we are forced to be more intentional with our relationship (something we probably should be doing anyway).

Lastly, I have learned to see some other blessings in our lives as I consider our new baby and the world she's going to be born into. Matt and I had originally hoped I would be a stay-at-home mom when our children were born. Because of where we are right now that isn't really a possibility. But I am learning to see the blessing in all of that. We are planning to arrange our schedules so that I can work part time while Matt stays home with the baby. I will be able to work a little bit less, so that in and of itself is a blessing. Also, I am excited about Matt being able to provide the majority of the childcare when I am away. I think it will give him time to gain confidence on his own as a dad and bond with his daughter. So many dads aren't really able to spend one-on-one time very often with their kids. So that is a hidden blessing in all of this. Also, I think it will be good for me to be able to get out of the house, even if it is to go to work.

I have also been thinking about the very special privilege our daughter will have because of Ethnos. My whole family attends church there so it is literally a family experience for us. It is cool to think that as our daughter grows, she will witness my parents' example of ministry as well as mine and Matt's. We will have three generations of one family in the same church... that is pretty crazy to think about. I don't know how long we will all be serving together like that, but unless God calls us away we plan to be at Ethnos as long as the doors are open. So the prospect of raising our daughter in an intimate, family church where she is known and loved is exciting to me.

Anyway... I have been blogging a long time and there are other things I need to get done today, so I will stop there.