Saturday, December 30, 2006

ahhhhh i am so sick
it sucks

today mostly just sucked.
i was sad.
very sad, and tired.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

young jimmy stewart looks like (and reminds me of) my ex-boyfriend.

Monday, December 25, 2006

My hands are tied
My body bruised
You got me with nothing to win
And nothing left to lose.

eddie vedder knows how i feel almost all of the time.

The waiting drove me mad,
You're finally here, and I'm a mess.

Everything has changed.
Absolutely nothing's changed.

It's your move now...
I thought you were a friend...
But I guess I hate you.

-Pearl Jam

he is a beautiful man.

i am painting my room grey.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

the good thing is, though, that I aced my art history course this last term. I just remembered that I needed to check up on it.

Not that there was really any question (I aced every quiz and exam leading up to it), but I was not as prepared as I could've been going into the final, and going on only 3 hours of sleep and a full 8 hour work day, starting at 6 the morning of.
So, it still feels good to have pulled off the perfect grade in that class.
It wasn't even an A-.

new low

So, in case you haven't noticed, this year sucks for my family. It has been (has been as in, prior to today, it still was) the worst year of my life so far. And seriously, that is saying a lot, because a lot of crap has happened to me over the course of my short life.
But it gets worse.
Way worse.

And after today, I am convinced that the only thing that could be worse is if someone died. That is the only struggle we really have left. Besides my parents divorcing or my sister getting pregnant. And even that last would have the payoff of a cute baby at the end.

So yeah. Life sucks. I feel like, over the last six months, I have earned the right to bitch a little. I am sure that on the outside things seem so happy and we seem so blessed, and it is not that we aren't or that we haven't been. I feel like nothing that has happpened has been self-inflicted or provoked in any way. It just feels like punishment or attack. And it makes everything seem like an illusion.
The vision that you have of the perfect life, with the perfect family and all the perfect things you own, and good health, and everything... that is all fake. That can all crumble at any moment and there is nothing you can do to stop it. I almost feel like it is worse to start with these things. Because then you have the pain of them being snatched away from you. Which, I must say, is a pretty awful kind of pain.

Anyway. I don't mean to be cryptic but I'm not sure if I am allowed to share the news yet. You will all hear soon enough I'm sure. And then we will be back in the fishbowl dealing with all our crap right out in the public for everyone to see.
Lovely.

I am weary.

Kristin, I miss you.

I am off to cry myself to sleep (yes, literally, and I'm not just being emo).

Come visit me at work tomorrow. 8-5. Seriously, if you're in the area, I love it when my friends stop by. :)

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

i love kessler

So all my friends are home for Christmas break. It feels great (once I got past the initial shock of welcoming them back, of course). I have yet to see Becky or Matt. But I am looking forward to it. I miss them both a lot.
But the best part has been seeing Kessler. He randomly grew up a ton over the past year and is now this awesome, amazing man of God. I am so impressed. We have talked about all kinds of things from relationships to the Bible to movies to family. I have been friends with him nearly ten years and we have never had that kind of relationship before. In fact, besides Kristin, I have not had that kind of relationship with many of my christian friends from high school. It is cool; it is a blessing.
Tonight we went and played pool, and afterward we went and saw The Holiday, which I think is a good movie, if a little long (my butt started going numb like halfway through). I have to admit I got a little into it. But Kess did too. He was "oohing" and "awwing" and cheering for Jack Black right along with me. And then on the way home, we talked about the guys I have "dated" over the past year (technically I have been single this whole time, but in reality I have had a series of crappy relationships, one of which has basically crushed my spirit and left me completely useless and depressed for the past six months. To be honest, I still feel like it could take forever to recover from it. So there's that). Anyway, we had this deep talk and he was telling me how I should know that I deserve much better and that I shouldn't settle, etc etc. I know this, but still, it feels good that he knows too and that he cares enough to make a point of telling me.

I have been very thankful lately that God has provided so many good brotherly figures in my life, because, as we all know, my real brother has not been acting in that role for quite some time. It wasn't something I prayed for but it was definitely something I needed and he was wise enough to provide. I feel blessed. I have never really been a girl's girl (I have never had a ton of girl friends), and I have missed all the boys in my life more than I realized. I honestly wish I had gone to them earlier for support. But oh well. You live and learn.
I feel so blessed.

:)

Monday, December 18, 2006

i'm still shivering

it is so freaking cold out that today I had to scrape my windshield twice, once when I left for work (at 4 am) and once when I left work to go home (at 8). My car was so covered in ice that when I set my cup on the roof it just slid right off.
Why is it this cold and not snowing? It's not fair!

I need to hit the slopes, and SOON. I miss the mountain. :)

Sunday, December 17, 2006

wise words from a wise man

people are just people
they shouldn't make you nervous.

and if you kiss somebody
then both of you'll get practice.
people make me anxious

Saturday, December 16, 2006

P.S.

Right now, I really wish I were dancing.

Friday, December 15, 2006

it ain't no lie, baby, bye bye bye...

I think that if I ever found out my boyfriend was cheating on me, my punishment for him (besides, of course, ripping him a new one) would be that I would break up with him via boy band mix cd. I would compile a mix of songs like NSync's Bye Bye Bye or the backstreet boys' Don't Want You Back and I would burn multiple copies. Then I would sneak them into every cd player he owned, so that no matter where he was (in his car, at home, going for a jog with his ipod, whatever) he would be bombarded with the screeching music and ridiculously shallow lyrics, and the reminder that his prescence on the earth is just as painful to me as theirs is.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I think this is a fun game.






I don't really think it's true but I'll go with it since these are very beautiful people. Except for Kirsten Dunst, which is (unfortunately for me) the one who looks like me the most. So it goes.

Monday, December 11, 2006

6 weird things about me

Terry posted this on his blog a while ago and I just decided to post it back, mostly because I am really bored and too anxious to go to sleep.

1) When I was in sixth grade I got a very bad case of the flu and I was sick for two or three weeks. When I came back to school everyone was very anxious because missing three weeks of school is a lot when you are in sixth grade. One girl in particular wouldn't leave me alone and kept bugging me and asking me what was wrong with me. I finally got annoyed and told her I had epilepsy. I didn't know what it meant at the time and she wasn't my friend and I was in sixth grade and crazy. Not that that's really an excuse, but whatever. Eventually the rumor got around to my real best friend. She confronted me about it, in tears because she thought I was going to die. I still feel guilty about that sometimes.
2) The above is (surprise!) NOT the biggest lie I have ever told.
3) I organize my DVDs alphabetically and by genre (classics on the top shelf, action in the middle, sci-fi, comedy and drama on the bottom). The ones that don't have a clear genre really annoy me and they are filed somewhere else entirely.
4) I have a full-sized bed that takes up a large portion of my room (which has a broken heater which makes it really cold). Because of this I do a lot of things in bed and random items will get tangled up in my bedcovers from time to time. I can go for a long time before I even notice this stuff since the bed is so large. Earlier today I cleared out the following: two boxes of tissues (one full and one empty), five waterbottles, a textbook, one plastic knitting needle, a pencil, a shoe, three socks (none of which match), and a portable hard drive.
5) In elementary school I got trained to be a conflict manager. We wore special t-shirts and we would hang out at recess and help kids who were having problems with each other. One day when I was on duty a kid made me really mad and I punched him. After that I wasn't allowed to be a conflict manager anymore.
6) The first pet I ever owned was a fish that I won at a carnival. I named him Freddy and I built a train track around his fishbowl so he would feel at home (since his booth at the carnival was right by the train). He died two days after I got him and we buried him in a little box in the side yard. I cried. Two years later my mom grew strawberries over Freddy's grave and I refused to eat them.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

i tried to do it the legal way...

...but the system failed me.
On Friday I went in to see my doctor as scheduled. My appointment was at 11 and I didn't have work until 12:45 so I figured I would be ok. I got there 5 minutes early and was all set up and waiting by the time the clock hit 11. Well, they left me waiting nearly 30 minutes and I was starting to get kind of nervous. It isn't unusual to have to wait that long, especially with my doctor, but I figured once I got into the room it would take at least 45 minutes to check me out and diagnose and everything. Which left me leaving the office at 12:15, with just enough time to get to work before I had to clock in.
So needless to say I was getting pretty antsy around 11:30 or so, and was just about to say something when the nurse came out and called my name.
...But she wasn't calling me to tell me it was my turn. She was calling me to tell me the doctor was running over an hour behind and there was no chance of seeing anyone until well after 12:00.
Well that didn't work for me so I had to go through the whole process of cancelling and rescheduling my appointment for Monday, refunding my co-pay, etc. which took another 15 minutes because the receptionist didn't seem to want to do any work that day. As it turned out, I ended up scheduling my return appointment during the time I was supposed to be at work (grr). The whole thing was just really frustrating, plus I felt like crap and had wasted over an hour and accomplished absolutely nothing. No one even apologized to me for the inconvenience. The worst part is that I had given up an extra 2 hours I could have worked that day so that I could go to this appointment.
When I got home I told my mom the whole story and she said, "don't worry, I can just give you some of my emergency antibiotics." I followed her out to the garage where she has a box full of random medical supplies and, among these items, a bottle of prescription amoxicillin. What the...? I started taking them, though, and today I felt much better.
Don't ask me how or why my mom stashes prescription drugs in our garage because I'm not exactly sure there is a good explanation. All I know is that it paid off.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Okay, okay. I have been sick for two weeks now. TWO WEEKS. And I am running out of things to do. I hit bottom after watching three seasons of Grey's Anatomy (I really hate to admit it, but I really like that show). So now I am blogging because... well, because I have nothing else to do. And also because for some people, like Kristin, Lee, Terry, my cousins, etc. it is my main method of keeping them up-to-speed on the happenings of my life.
So... yep. I have been sick. Nothing major, except that I keep thinking I am getting better when I am actually getting worse. I tried everything imaginable. I slept as much as any human could possibly sleep. I took vitamins, even Airborne and Emergen-C. I drank plenty of water. I even tried running it out on the treadmill. But nothing worked, and I feel worse. So I am going to the doctor tomorrow and hopefully he will make me all better.
My main annoyance about the whole being sick thing is that I haven't been able to work out as much as I would like to. Becky and I are running a 5k on New Year's which, although it isn't a huge deal, isn't something I really want to go into without any prior effort (especially since Becky is a super athlete). Apart from that, I had been making an effort to work out every day and had been doing a really good job of it up until I got sick. Three miles a day. And as of today I haven't been to the gym in... three days. Not so awesome.
Ummm... what else. Next week is finals week, and then I have three weeks off before I go back to full-time. I am pretty excited. I recently found a really great postgraduate program at Trinity College in Dublin, Ireland. Trinity is pretty prestigious so eligibility for admission might be a bit of a struggle. I have made a goal of working harder to step up my grades and find out what supplemental courses I may need to take to qualify.
The program is amazing. Seriously-- it is perfect for me. It's a Masters of Science in the field of Global Health. Which is a program that basically takes students from all kinds of science fields and integrates medical, political and cultural studies. The goal is to train medical/business professionals who will be working in international health careers how to address health issues that span the globe.
I have never really pegged myself for the post grad type, but as it turns out, I am good at the whole school thing when I apply myself. So I am going to work hard toward this, and see where I end up.
I need to get perfect grades from now on, which is going to be really difficult. But I think I can maybe probably do it. The school asked me to become a peer tutor next term. I think it's funny since they tried to kick me out the first term, and now they want to pay me to teach other kids. Ha. I will probably say yes, not because of the money (it isn't even minimum wage, and it's only about 4-8 hours/month), but because it will be a good thing to put on my application and because I think I might actually be good at it.
Which brings me to my last point of update: work. Work is great. I love it. Especially my coworkers. They are very nice people. And I'm not just saying that because my boss might someday read this. :)
The other day a girl came in from another store when I was working on the bar. She started talking to me and I got all nervous. She had a very complicated drink and once I knew she was a Starbucks employee I was trying very hard to get it right (since I knew she would know if I didn't). Well, I was so concentrated on making sure I steamed her milk to the right consistency (not too foamy), that I forgot to put any shots in her drink. That was pretty embarassing. When I told Shineadth she laughed at me and said, "well, you can only go up from here." (I like her the most out of everyone.)

Okay. I should probably sleep now. I get to go to the doctor in the morning! I am excited.

FIN!