my sweetie is sick :(

I think Matt has the flu. So he has been sleeping a lot. Which leaves me with random pockets of time and nothing to do. For some reason I've just watched like 5 episodes of scrubs back to back.
Also, on a (seemingly) unrelated note, if you have not eaten at Fresh Thyme Soup Company, you must. The food is delicious. The guy behind the counter is a little weird though.

So, in summary, I hope that Matt feels better and that I don't get sick too.

So the last few days have been a crazy whirlwind of activity and I am pretty much exhausted. I suppose I could type a long blog detailing all the fun but what is the point? (Plus I think the bachelorette party is supposed to be kept a secret.)
But the highlights of this weekend were: meeting and hanging out with all the bridesmaids, a weekend of partying, spending a sleepless night in a hotel suite with my best friend (heh), the delicious rehearsal dinner (and wedding food, actually), hiding a lot of kleenex in my bouquet, crying uncontrollably during the ceremony when Jon shared his vows, kessler's flask full of vodka at the reception, kristin walking down the aisle looking like a freaking model from a bridal magazine, signing their marriage license, giving a (mostly) tear-free wedding toast, and seeing Jon's dad do the macarena. And seeing all my friends from high school.

I can't believe my best friend is married! I am so happy for her. It was a great weekend.

I forgot why I loved the media... and then I remembered

I've had some really interesting social opportunities with my coworkers lately.
I had two separate conversations with two separate coworkers about organized religion, Jesus' death and salvation, the inerrancy of scripture and separation of church and state. Both of these started because of movies I had recently watched (Apocalypto and Jesus Camp). It seems weird that a discussion about apocalypto would lead into a discussion about the crucifixion of Christ, but it did and it was pretty interesting and enlightening. Those of my coworkers who are not Christian are generally pretty hostile toward the Christian faith, but I felt like both times the people were interested in talking and sharing their beliefs with me. So I learned some pretty cool stuff about some people that I work with, and we actually managed to talk about religion (and politics) without killing each other. Crazy!

Porter

I'm pretty sure my dog is going to die soon. He has been sick and he is almost 15, so it is probably his time to go. The annoying thing is that my family hasn't been putting much effort into taking care of him, I was the one who took him to the vet and my parents decided not to pay for the blood test he needed done. It is certainly expensive, but it's supposed to alert us of any major issues that could be causing him pain. The vet did call us but since I have been working no one answered the phone or called him back to discuss the results of his tests.
I would really like for my dog to be put down if there's something seriously wrong with him. I don't want him to be in pain or to wake up one morning and find him dead on our kitchen floor (which is probably what will happen).
Also, I'm not really sure how I feel about my dog. He has been our only real pet (I had a turtle once, very briefly) and I've grown up with him; we've had him since I was in kindergarten. At the same time though, I don't have a relationship with my dog like other people have with their pets. He is there and I am there, I feed him and occasionally walk him or pet him, but that's pretty much it.
I have learned a lot about what pets can mean to people by watching the Hartzells. They love their pets more than anyone I know. Ashley lost her puppy recently, and I feel worse for her than I would for myself if my own dog died (I think) because Jack meant a lot more to Ashley than Porter means to me.
But I haven't really lost a pet before. I've lost people and that was a big deal, so it seems like a pet would be nothing in comparison. But I do worry about Porter, so maybe that says something, because if I didn't love him I wouldn't worry.
Also, my brother really loves Porter, so I will feel sad for Daniel when our dog dies, because I know he will have a hard time with it.

Anyway, that's all I have to say. I don't really know how I feel so I was trying to think out loud, but it didn't really get me anywhere.

The holidays are already stressful and it's not even December yet.
Also, I forgot that in the winter I am lucky if I'm healthy for more than a few days at a time.

I remember a time when I thought blogging (and checking my email, and being on AIM, and myspace, and facebook, and the forum) was cool, and did so regularly, but that time is like a distant dream...

Thanksgiving!

Today is my favorite holiday of the year. What could be better than lots of food, board games, movies, sitting around lazily all day, and of course, my family on their best behavior? I also like that the commercialism, for the most part, skips straight from halloween to Christmas, which means that I am not already sick of Thanksgiving by the time it is upon us.
I have a well-deserved day off from work today (I've pulled a couple late nights this week), and the weather is gorgeous, so I am in a great mood and eagerly awaiting the arrival of my cousins... some of them I have not seen in a year. Ian has been on a missions trip to Argentina since I saw him last. So it will be fun to catch up with everyone.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

annoying

So I burned my foot pretty badly a few weeks ago. And it's been taking a long time to heal. I went to the doctor afterward and he told me it would take about a month. At the rate it is going I think it will take a lot longer, but that is beside the point.
It started to heal a little bit and now when I am sitting still, or trying to fall asleep at night, it itches so badly that I think it's going to drive me insane. The only cure for it is to soak it in saltwater which of course makes it burn. But that is, unfortunately, more bearable.

Sorry, is this TMI? I don't know. This is my blog so I can blog about whatever, right? Tonight I feel like blogging about my itching open wounds... hope you like to hear about that stuff. :)

P.S. The worst part is that we are out of Epsom salts, so I think I'm going to have to use regular salt now... I don't know if it works the same, I don't know anything about chemistry... I almost failed it in high school.

My dad told me this cool story

This story is about when my parents were dating, way back in the day.

So they'd been dating about a year and it got to that point where the girl (in this case, my mom) finally said, "So are you gonna marry me, or what?"
Both my parents were very involved with the Navigators when they were in college, which, if you don't know, is a huge Christian organization. So they were both pretty firm in their faith and involved in leading bible studies and stuff. Anyway, my dad was doing a bible study about waiting on God. And, as he put it, "the whole point of waiting on God is that you're waiting on God, not that you're just suspending decision-making until you get too impatient." So he told my mom he was waiting on God to direct him. (According to my dad she didn't like this answer much, but I'll give my mom some credit, I'll bet she was pretty patient with him.)
So, it came to the point where a decision finally needed to be made, and my dad still didn't feel like he was getting any answers from God, so he went into a theater at OSU and prayed. He told me this was the only time in his life where he felt he had a spiritual vision, although I'm not exactly sure what that looked like. Anyway, he said he was reminded so forcibly of Abraham and Isaac that he felt God calling him to a similar choice: either choose to follow God wherever He led, or get engaged to my mom. So after a lot of wrestling and frustration, my dad told God that he would follow him no matter what the cost. And God's response, according to my dad, was, "Then you can have Anne."

I thought this was a cute story (I like to think about what my parents were like at my age/life stage), but, more importantly, I thought it was very telling as to the future strength of their marriage. So I like it, and thinking of this story brightened my day a little today.

P.S.

I might throw up again.
I just thought you'd all like to know.

My brother sucks. Part 1,789,873

I'm having a crappy day; it's part of a larger, crappier weekend. Or, if you're willing to travel back in time with me a bit further, we could call the previous 8 days pretty frustrating.
You see, last weekend, after months of (we thought) sobriety, my brother went missing and came home with the following: no recollection of the previous night, a hangover, a nasty black eye and a hospital bracelet. After some digging we discovered that he had gotten drunk with some friends and caused such a scene that he was arrested, hog-tied, and pepper-sprayed before he was taken to the hospital.
The following evening, he announced that he would like to quit smoking pot. Having heard this promise several times from him in my short life, I decided to suspend judgment. You see, I've been told many times in a variety of ways that I need to forgive my brother and continue to give him a second, third, fourth (I've lost count of what number we're on now) chance. So I put in a good solid effort. I even hung out with him several times last week and played board games.
So, yesterday was Kristin's bridal shower, and we were out all day getting ready and hosting this shower. When we came home at about 5 o'clock in the evening, my brother was gone and had left a note saying (among other things) that he would find somewhere else to live. Apparently he had gotten stoned and fought with my dad. My dad was going out and told him he could not be alone in the house with my sister (this is a promise they made to her for her comfort/safety). Daniel pitched a fit and left. He has no cell phone so we didn't see him or hear from him all last night. Needless to say, it was a shitty night and although we all tried to remain cheerful I was pretty much livid. Matt and I hung out with Becca to prevent further shenanigans (with my siblings, these things often come in twos).
This morning I woke up nauseous (I get up at 4 am on Sundays). I was at work roughly an hour before I decided I probably couldn't handle it. I called every co-worker and only two people answered their phones (they couldn't help me) and no one else even called me back. Which was frustrating, especially since I was literally throwing up in the bathroom on my breaks, but there was nothing I could do about it. It was too busy for me to leave. So I worked the whole shift (and for those of you who are disgusted by this, just FYI, I didn't make drinks, touch food, or even touch cups. I just touched money). Anyway, when I came home I was starting to feel better, until Daniel showed up on the front porch. The conversation went like this:
Daniel: Am I welcome?
Dad: That depends, are you stoned?
Daniel (haughtily): No.
Dad: Then I guess you're welcome.
(Daniel starts walking up the stairs)
Dad: We're going to have to talk about what happened last night.
Daniel: I have nothing to say to you (slams door).

Not exactly the contrite spirit you'd be hoping for in this situation, but my brother is a self-centered drug addict, so I expect nothing more.
Anyway, I have said this about 5 billion times already, but I am tired of this. Life needs some more stability. We need to be able to go a week without a major crisis. It is so unbelievably childish to run away from your home or your problems, but I have put up with this no less than 4 times in the past year and a half, twice with police intervention.
So (and please keep in mind I am not looking for anyone's opinion on how to "deal with" my brother, I think unless you have been in this situation yourself, it is so easy to simplify it down to forgiving your brother seven times seventy, and that's not what real love or real life is about). So, anyway, I am tired and pissed and feel trapped, and need to vent. Because I don't know what else to do, I have had enough from him.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.

i am trying to think of something to paint

for work, I was talking to my coworker today and I am thinking something related to social justice. Especially because it's Starbucks and that means whatever it is, it will be seen by a lot of people. So it would seem wrong to me to put up something completely self-serving. But then, there are so many things I would like to change about the world, what would I choose to paint?

My coworker Trisha, who is a talented photographer, had a really good idea about juxtaposing images of modern Americans (especially children) with images of children from third-world countries. I like that idea but since it is hers I can't use it.

I think I have an idea but I'm not sure if I'm ready to run with it or not.

Across the Universe

This movie was so, so good. People mostly told me it was just alright but I LOVED it. I want it to come out on DVD so I can watch it again.
I love The Beatles. And I thought these were the best Beatles covers I have heard, including the I Am Sam covers, which is saying a lot.
Also, I am usually not a fan of musicals, but this seemed like it worked together pretty well. And I liked how they referenced songs without singing them, like She Came In Through The Bathroom Window. And I liked how they mixed the really famous with the not-so-famous ones.
I Want You (She's So Heavy) was pretty genius.

I have been praying hard these days.
My heart is just not in the right place. It has not been for a long time, well over a year. This past year has left a lasting imprint on the way I treat and perceive other people.
Before, I would say that I was a genuinely compassionate and patient person, one who rarely held grudges or placed blame. And also a person who enjoyed other people. Now I would more describe myself as someone who is impatient with others, disappointed in most people, and bitter. And I do not enjoy people. Most people, in my experience, are a source of pain and frustration. I have mostly (and in some cases, completely) lost all desire to mend any broken relationships. I have grudges I won't let go, and people who I have distanced myself from, even within my own immediate family.
And I have been praying so hard about this, and I just do not see resolution. I don't feel any hope for myself. I am confused about what is right and wrong, just and unjust. What is justified anger and what is sin? Does being a Christian mean I suppress all my disappointment, that I smooth it over and for the sake of forgiveness pretend it doesn't exist? And, if so, if I don't speak it out loud, then how do I banish it from my mind? Just because I don't say it doesn't mean I don't feel it.
But I don't want to hate people. And if I'm being totally honest (which I am right now) I am dangerously close to that extreme with most of the people in my life. Which is scary.
So what am I supposed to do? I have been praying for compassion, for specific people. And I have been praying against my own pride and bitterness. I don't know what to do besides that. And when I read the Bible I get mixed answers. When I read the prophets I think that God must have a purpose for anger in His name, but He deals in mercy and grace. So where should I fall on that wide spectrum? And did He create this in me for a purpose, or is it a weakness that I want to pass off as a gift?
I feel completely encased in sin. In my own sin and in other peoples' sin, and it feels like a trap that is pressing down on me and making life miserable. And I am not talking just the big things, it is all the small things too. It is all of the inappropriate and immature things that are said. It is the gossip. It is divisiveness. And hypocrisy. And selfishness. It is just everything. Everything about humanity, about how we sin and drag God's name through the mud every day. It disgusts me. My own sin and pride disgust me. This burdens my heart, and I do not know how to shrug it off and enjoy people in spite of sin.

I don't know if this makes sense, and I don't really even care, I'm not looking for feedback or anything. I think that my anger is most sinful when I hold onto it by fooling myself into thinking it is righteous. I can do that if I keep it in, but I can't do it if I admit to it. I want to think I am always in the right, who doesn't, but I know I'm not. I am trying to admit I am wrong in my thinking, even though I'm not all the way ready to accept that fact yet. So how can I hide it if I put it out in the open? Then people can see my sin and judge it for what it is.

in your prayers

Over the weekend, my cousin's wife, Breena, had a miscarriage. We didn't know that they were pregnant (I don't think they had told anyone yet). Breena has had some unusual bleeding as well, so she is in the hospital right now. From what I understand she will probably be okay physically, but if you think of them this next week please pray for them. My cousin's name is Keith. They have only been married about two years and they are both very young (Keith is only a year older than me). Also, I believe they were overseas when this happened so it's not like they have the comfort of their family or regular doctors around them. So anyway, your prayers would be appreciated.
Also, I just found out my grandpa (my dad's dad) is going in for some heart tests this Thursday. He needs heart surgery so these tests are going to determine how they are going to go forward with that. So he and my grandma will be staying with us Thursday night. He is also showing the beginning stages of Alzheimer's so my dad and aunt are going to talk to his doctor about that as well.
So you can pray for him, (his name is Jack) his wife Barbara, my dad, my aunt Melinda, uncle Steve, and aunt Diane (those are all of his kids, and Diane is Keith's mom, so I'm sure she is very overwhelmed right now).

(UPDATE: Actually, it turns out Breena was in England with her mom when this happened, so Keith isn't with her. Also she was released today so she is probably on a flight home by now.)

I think most people have stopped reading this since I am no longer a consistent (or interesting) poster. Oh well. I know Matt and Vicki read this so I am blogging for you guys!

Jeremy asked me to put up some art at work for our next showcase, so I think I will make some new stuff... I am thinking something aids related, maybe involving plaster like that hands thing I did for Ethnos. I like to make big statements with my paintings and I am kinda tight on cash right now, so I have no money for canvases.

Hmmmmm... something to think about.

Also, the other day when I signed on to facebook my profile had changed from "art institute" to "art institute alum", which I think is a sign that I need to go back to school, because if I had done a full course load all the way through I would have had my degre by now. I think. Either that or I messed up when I entered my grad date. Anyway, it is depressing, so tomorrow I am going to look into PSU.

This weekend the six of us went down to Brookings, OR for Jessica's wedding. Jessica is my brother's best friend/a family friend. It was fun but also tiring because there was a LOT of driving. I was glad to have a weekend off from work since I have had a bit of a cold and it gave me a chance to rest.
The wedding was fun and different from most weddings that I have been to. I have seen everything weddings-wise, from the whole shebang at the Old Church with a reception at the Benson, and then this. Jake and Jessica got married in the backyard of her grandparents' house. There were about 30 or 40 guests. The groomsmen wore white polo shirts and the groom himself wore a white collared shirt with the sleeves rolled up (no jacket). We all felt a little overdressed. The ceremony was about 15 minutes long, and included the wedding party walking in to the theme from Braveheart. Jessica walked in to "Something" by the Beatles, which I thought was actually a really cute choice.
Anyway, it was all really mellow and laid-back. I thought it was fun for them, and it was a fun wedding to attend...
On Sunday when we drove back, my family decided to stop at the Dunes so Matt could see them (he had never been to the Oregon Dunes before). We went on what was supposed to be a 2.2 mile walk and ended up being at least a 5 mile hike. It felt like much longer due to the fact that the trail wove in and out of the dunes. So you basically walk forever and feel like you are getting nowhere. No one had really brought the right clothes for the hike (I was wearing a wool coat) or any water, and most of us didn't want to go on a hike in the first place. So it was hot and miserable. We'll call this strike two for my mom's hiking books. The first one sent us on a "12" mile hike (it was actually 17).
Other than that not much is up, Matt is going to Quake this weekend up in Spokane so I picked up some shifts at work. And that's all that's going on with me.

good morning

This morning my dog pooed all over the kitchen floor. It smelled HORRIBLE.
I also don't understand how so much poo can fit in one little dog's body.

Ahh.

Sometimes people just piss me off.

Tania Head

I had never even heard of her before today, which I guess just shows my ignorance since she was apparently an American hero/9-11 survivor. But for some reason her story (or lack thereof) intrigues me greatly. What leads someone to craft such a complex story? A need for attention?

I'm sure you have all read the news and if you haven't then Tania Head is the former VP of World Trade Center Survivors' Network. She made up a bogus story about her escape from the south tower including a fake job, fake education, fake fiance... her story even references known casualties of 9/11.

he didn't get any (monetary) gain from the story, but it just makes me wonder why. Weird. And how did no one catch this for multiple years?

I am tired and I can't sleep
again.

talkin' 'bout my generation...

I have been trying to work on being more thankful and optimistic lately, and even though that is sometimes hard to do looking at Ethnos (sorry guys, hopefully no one takes offense at that, I'm just being honest) I have found some things I am excited about.
I love that I am young, and that where I stand right now I am on the brink of some incredible and exciting things. I love that my education, my career and my family are spread out before me as opportunities and endless possibilities.
I was having breakfast with Kristin a few days ago, and we were talking about marriage and premarital counseling and such. And I realize how excited I am for her. And not just her, but Kevin and Tiffany, and my brother's friend Jessica, and Matt's friends, and all the young couples who I know that are getting married. These things make my heart literally overflow with joy. There is so much potential and beauty.
And not that this only relates to marriage, because it doesn't. It relates to youth. And new choices and a clean slate. Because at this point, your relationships or your education or your career can still be whatever you decide to make them.

I don't know how to express it... it's just exciting. And you know that saying, "youth is wasted on the young"? That's dumb. I don't believe it's true.

Anyway, I relate this to marriage because that is the current place we are at; my friends (and Matt's friends) are tying the knot. And despite all the horrible places I have seen that decision end, it is beautiful and new, and we are not bound by the mistakes of our parents. And that is definitely worth joy and celebration.

I'm not going to blog about what I did this evening because I want to give my boyfriend an opportunity to share. I'm sure his summary will be both far more eloquent and comprehensive, and will probably include words like "awesome" and "amen". So, if you'd like to read about the activities of this evening, then please click here and await his post (which I'm sure will be up soon).

In other news, I ran into a couple that comes into our store quite frequently. I saw them at the Event That Shall Not Be Named. It was interesting seeing them and talking to them outside of work. I get the vibe from them that they are cool people I'd like to get to know better.
Afterward, it made me realize how much more social my job has helped me become. I think I have had to practice initiating conversation more at Starbucks than any other job. Which is cool, because although I am still sometimes shy and socially awkward, I find myself enjoying more my interactions with others. Cool for mission and for community.

the weekend/work ethic

I don't know why this is, but I can't sleep right now. You'd think I'd be exhausted after work/church/Sundays. But yeah, I can't seem to fall asleep.
I just remembered I'm supposed to have breakfast with Kristin in the morning...

So this weekend was pretty good. On Friday night Matt bought me an espresso machine (the one I've always wanted. I think that is really sweet because he hates coffee and will probably never use it).
On Saturday we worked on our ongoing construction project, a bookcase. We have finished cutting, sanding, drilling etc. Now all we have to do is assemble the frame and stain everything. It actually looks really nice. We built it out of plywood and iron-on veneer, but you could never tell by looking at it. With the veneer the whole thing looks like solid wood. It's pretty and way less expensive (but all that ironing was a pain).
That afternoon we went shopping and spent all of the gift cards Matt had in his wallet. He bought me a foot spa when we went to Macy's (hooray! You have no idea how great those feel after working on your feet all day. I just tried it out and it was pretty sweet). I don't even remember all the stuff that we got, but there was music, clothes, kitchen stuff, power tools, books and cleaning supplies before we were done.
I got this cool cookbook. It's from cooking light and it has a bunch of 20-minute meals. My mom gets the cooking light magazine and really likes it so I figured I'd try it out. Matt and I picked out some stuff we wanted to try and on Saturday night went grocery shopping for the whole week. We have literally done that twice in the entire 6+ months we've been dating (not grocery shopping, just planning ahead and shopping for more than one meal at a time). Anyway I figure we'll save money and eat better if we plan ahead.
I'm sure that stuff is really boring to read... but I don't really have anything else to blog about at the moment.

Oh, here is something. This occurrence happened at work today. Jeremy was there for it. I was on the floor with two other people and Jeremy was on a break, so he was in the back room. One of my coworkers was on the bar. They are still a little slow at times, so we try to give them practice when there's not a long line or anything. Early Sunday mornings are usually not bad, so they were hanging out over there and I was ringing people up. I started to notice the lines getting longer and longer, and my coworker seemed to be getting more and more overwhelmed. So finally, at a point when it made sense, I asked them to switch places with me, hoping we could through the line a little faster.
I got over on bar and started throwing out drinks, and right about then Jeremy came back from his break. One of our regulars was standing there next to the bar (he is usually a really nice guy). Anyway, he saw me there and made some comment to the effect of, "Oh, so you switched to get someone fast over here!" He was smiling, and so I think he thought it was a joke, but I thought it was a little rude, especially since it was said loud enough for my coworker to hear. Then he caught sight of Jeremy and said, "Oh, it's cause Jeremy's on the floor now. Hey Jeremy, they were all sleeping back there until you came out!"
Now, this guy is usually pretty friendly, so I think it might have been one of those foot-in-mouth comments, for which I have sympathy (I have those moments quite often myself). But for some reason it bothered me a little more than the usual difficult customer. I think it is because that comment kind of implies that my coworkers and I don't take pride in our jobs and want to perform to the best of our ability. Also, I hoped at the moment that it happened that my coworker didn't overhear this man's comments. If they did, they didn't show any sign of it, but I made a mental note to try and encourage them later... of course by the time I had a chance to, I forgot (until right now).
Anyway. It was just one of those little things that I found myself thinking about later. My personal opinion is that your work ethic is an issue of integrity. You are getting paid to do a job to the best of your ability. No one else but you is going to know whether or not you are doing your best. I personally like to think of Colossians 3:23 (Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men). My parents used to quote that verse to me a lot, and it is one of the few I have memorized.
This might sound lame and cheesy, but I like to think that whatever I do (from painting houses to cleaning toilets to making coffee), God is pleased when I do it with the right heart.
And in addition to that, your level of integrity makes an impact on the people around you: those you serve, your coworkers, your boss, etc. A person with high moral standards, a positive attitude, and a great work ethic is the kind of person anyone would want to work with. And it spurs everyone around you to higher quality work.
At least, that is my experience, and I am not just talking at Starbucks... although I have not had many other jobs. The mistake I made at the first one was to not hold myself to a high standard, and I after I learned that lesson I have tried not to repeat it...
Anyway. Those are just my thoughts for today. Hopefully it wasn't too boring.

Today I got my ears pierced so that I can wear earrings for Kristin's wedding.
But, it hurt, and it looks dumb.
I will probalby take them out after the wedding is done. I'm not really into jewelry anyway.

whew

So... I'm really tired today. Woke up at 4 yesterday, 5:30 this morning and will wake up at 3:30 tomorrow. Plus it was labor day, and work was a little crazy. But I get time and a half. So it's worth it.

Let me just say, Ashley, if you are reading this, (and anyone else who is interested) Body Worlds is freaking sweet! I don't really know what else to say about it. It is just cool. It is also good for convincing you to eat healthy, exercise, and stay away from things that are bad for you. I think most people confuse health with body image, as in, they are concerned with their health only to the extent that it affects their appearance. But obviously it is much more than that, and you can really see that at the exhibit.

Also, I found out last night that I did get my promotion (yay!). I'm tired right now so I can't adequately express my excitement. Maybe I will write more about it on Wednesday. That's my day off so I will get to sleep in.

Happy Labor Day everyone! Hope you are all having fun at your barbecues and beach parties.


Man.... I'm shooting for a 7:30 bedtime tonight.

So today went pretty well.
My interview was great. I did way better than I thought I would. Usually I get nervous and stumble over my words in stressful situations. But today I managed to get out everything I wanted to say. So I feel satisfied about that. I don't know the results yet, but I feel like I represented myself well, so that is good. Either way I will know that I am in the position I am meant to be in and deserve to be in... so that's cool.
Also, our coffee tasting seminar went pretty well. 30 people showed up, so it was a little hectic at times, but fun. Our store is not really conducive to large crowds, so it was a challenge to squeeze everyone in and be heard. I got to know some of our regulars a bit better and the entire Hartzell family (including Tim and Ashley) came out to support me. So that felt good especially since my own brother and sister couldn't make it.
Anyway, all in all, I think we did alright... and I definitely learned something about how to improve on stuff like this in the future. Nate even took a couple pics so we're going to put them up on the board at work to further inspire our team.

So, it's time for a good night's sleep because tomorrow Matt and I are going to the Body Worlds exhibit! Yay! (I've been wanting to go to that for over a year) And then to a comics sale. So it's a full day.

excited

Welllll... tomorrow is my big day. At 3 pm I have an interview with a (different) store manager who will decide whether or not I am ready for a promotion. I have been working toward this interview since June so I'm really excited but also really nervous. I want this promotion pretty badly. I think I would be good at the position I'm interviewing for. Maybe even higher up, later on.
Starbucks has been surprising but a good work experience for me. I never thought I would enjoy it as much as I do or that there would be so many opportunities for me there. Initially I thought of it as just part-time, temporary employment. But I think I will pursue it for a while. One of my assistant managers commented to me the other day that she thinks I am "management material". It was a really nice compliment and it made me think.
I have never really had a job with a corporate structure like Starbucks... but I really like it. The way forward is always very clear. I work well in a system where I am given expectations to fulfill. If I know what needs to be done, I will do it, and generally to the best of my ability. So in that sense I think the corporate environment is a good fit for me, because I always know what's expected of me and what I can expect.
Anyway. Blah blah blah. I'm a little rambly because I'm nervous. It's been a weird and stressful week... starting with last Saturday night. But a couple months' worth of work is culminating in tomorrow afternoon/evening, so I'm really excited.
I am (also) a little nervous about the coffee tasting seminar Nate and I are teaching tomorrow night. I have put a lot into planning it, but I have no idea how many people will come. At first I was worried no one would show up, but I really don't think that is the case. I have spent all week giving people (family, friends, regulars, random customers, co-workers, etc) personal invites to this thing. I just hope I didn't bite off more than I can chew... I'm afraid too many people will show up and I will be overwhelmed.
I've been practicing the last couple days doing coffee tastings with my coworkers. It's been a while since I've done one for work so this week I tried all the new ones (Ubora, Joya Del Dio, and Anniversary Blend... Ubora is the best in my opinion, but I really like East African coffees). Anyway, I was going through the steps with my coworker today and she got really impressed (she's new) and asked me how long I'd been working for Starbucks. Then she said I'd make a good teacher. Which I'm really glad she said, because it put me at ease about tomorrow...

Anyway. I'm kind of a dork, especially about work. I just wanted to talk a little before I go to sleep... hopefully my jabbering will make me sleepy.
Who knows.

My aunt and cousin just got here from afghanistan... they moved back home a year early because of family stuff. They've been living in afghanistan for 12 years now, so nearly all of my life that I can remember. I'm glad to have them here (despite the circumstances) because they are my favorite family members.
We are going to have dinner with them tonight in newberg. I haven't seen them in over a year, so I'm excited.

From the archives

Saturday, July 01, 2006

i want to slap my little sister. hard.
i don't think she realizes the entire world does not revolve around her. i hate how smart she is and how smoothly and carelessly she manipulates everyone around her. i wonder if she cares about anything besides herself. i would like to think she does but so far every single time i've given her the benefit of the doubt she lets me down.
like everyone.
it makes me sick to think how much i've tried to do for her the past week. she is such a liar.
it scares me how mad i am at her right now.

there is no part of me, no secret hidden place in the innermost depths of my soul, where i can even begin to fathom acting the way my siblings have been acting over the past couple of weeks. I CANNOT EVEN COMPREHEND IT. I cannot even comprehend actually responding to them in the way that I really want to. I am not so selfish that I am incapable of putting aside my own anger and letting them work through their shit.
because hey. IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.

but, seriously.
get the picture, guys.
we play as a team.
it doesn't work if you lie. or try and quit the game early.

A little over a year ago, I sat in my living room watching my parents sob into the wolvertons' arms. I was on the phone calling everyone who knew my brother, asking if they'd heard from him or knew where he'd be. In the back of my mind, I was trying to convince myself that my life would go on even if my brother's life had ended.
By some miracle, God in his unimaginable mercy did not allow my brother to take his life that night.
I have occasionally reflected back on that night with thankfulness, but I hate to remember it. It was the longest and worst night of my life. I have never been so afraid or hopeless. Even thinking about it right now brings me to tears because I can remember specific thoughts and moments where I felt like everything had been lost. My life was ruined; damaged; nothing would ever be the same.
On Saturday night I had a similar situation with my sister. And for the second time in a little over a year I found myself begging God for protection. Sobbing. Bargaining.
I don't know the extent of what the human heart can handle. I think I'm very close to my threshold. Because what you don't really think about is how losing someone to sin can be just as painful as if they were dead. In the past year I have lost my brother (and one of my best friends), my friend and pastor from childhood, and now I feel like I have lost my sister as well. I suppose there is still a chance for change, but it can be so hard to hope when life gives you no reason to.
I know I am going to be judged for saying what I am about to say, but I don't care. Whenever a Christian is suffering, they are told to read Job. For "perspective." Because no one's life can really be that bad compared to Job's, right? But when I read Job, I don't get perspective. My life doesn't seem any better in comparison. Sure, life could be worse. It absolutely could get worse than it is right now. But when I read Job I feel like I am reading my own prayers. There are many things that seem worse than what has happened to my family, and maybe they are, I don't know. But for me, life has hit me where it hurts the most and will do the most damage.

I am just looking for hope. I am beyond questioning God. I believe he has a plan and that all this, for some reason, is a part of his glory. I don't understand how and I've grown tired of asking that question, so I just won't. All I want is a little bit of hope. There's got to be more to life than this. I want to be able to see the good parts, too.

I might still love you but it's hard to tell

I am so unbelievably beyond the amount of other people's shit that I can take.

I want to freaking scream.

over too soon

This evening we (me + Matt) returned from a wonderful vacation with the Hartzell family. We were camping at Crane Prarie resort, which is out about a half an hour from Sunriver.
We had a few adventures... we kayaked down the Deschutes with Tim and Ashley, visited Sisters, and I even met the grandparents who road-tripped all the way from Mesquite, Nevada to hang out with us.
So all in all I would have to say it was a fun trip. I took 6 days off from work. I am experiencing the joys of paid vacation (I, in my youth, have never experienced such a marvelous thing).
The highlights were kayaking, hanging out with the family, and Russ' new(/old) toys. When his parents came to visit they brought with them the old video camera, circa 1940s (i believe). It was in great condition and there were several cans of film. We watched some of the old home movies on this neat little contraption you use to crank, cut and splice film. I have heard of these things but never seen one. As you can imagine it was good fun for me as a digital video student. I also got a kick out of the operation manual (complete with a foreword by Alfred Hitchcock on how to make a better home movie).
There were only a couple downsides. My phone crapped out Sunday afternoon and I couldn't get it to work again. I finally gave up and today when we got home I went to get a new one. It turns out my plan doesn't end until November so I'm not eligible for a new phone until then. So I ended up just buying a cheap one to last me a couple months. Hopefully it wokrs until then, because if it does I can return it within 90 days (when I get a new one) for store credit. So I guess that isn't too bad. Usually cell phone issues are brutal. I did, however, lose all the numbers on my old phone. So if you read this, text me your number, cause so far I have Ashby, my cousin, Beth Peterson, and Matt, and that's it.
Also I got sick on the drive home, which was pretty miserable. Traffic was bad so it took us like 5+ hours to get back. I did start to feel better after I got home and took a nap.

I don't know if I have ever needed a vacation as badly as I needed this one. It was good to just escape all the stress and chill for a few days. I will be thankful when (if?) life calms down enough that driving back into Portland doesn't feel so much like a cloud of dread sweeping over me. Ugh.
Well, I am going to try to stay positive and focus on the things that alleviate my stress. I'm excited to get back to work and see my friends there. I've got a free coffee tasting class coming up that I'm going to be teaching. I'm really excited about that. Tomorrow I'm going to spend some more time pinning down the details, so that should be fun.

Anyway, it is late, and I need to sleep... :)

If I were to sum up any one thing that I have learned in the past year and a half, this would be it:

I feel like I've gotten some idea of how God feels when we let him down over and over again.

It's really just a glimpse of a feeling. I have no idea how to deal with my disappointment in other people. At times I am so overwhelmed by all the hurt and bitterness that it's like I'm choking.
It's like someone else dug a hole and threw me in it. And here I am trying to find a way to climb back out.

I've been alive TWO WHOLE DECADES.... that's nothing.

Today is my birthday. As I was sitting in bed pondering that thought (the clock just hit 12:00) I remembered how different my life has become in the past 12 months. So much has changed for me. As an inventory of my progress, I figured I should record it.
So last year at this time, here is what was happening.
My family + Jessica Brackett were at the beach for a missions conference, along with the Lewis family, the Petersons, and Ashby. My brother was recovering from a suicide attempt on the 27th of June, and I think it's pretty safe to say my family was still in shock from it.
I was at home because I was doing night school. I was taking my first term of art history and completely loving it. My friends were back from their first year of college. My five best friends and I dressed up and went to a fancy dessert at Papa Haydn. This included Kristin, Brianna, Becky, Sarah and Jade.
It was a lovely birthday celebration, but a little bittersweet because I was finishing the downward spiral of what can only be considered the most painful and worthless relationship of my life. The friend I valued most at the time (who, ironically, couldn't care less about me) was headed off to Nebraska soon and I was pretty much devastated by that.
Life was, to be brutally honest, pretty horrible, and horribly overwhelming.
Flash forward to now... my brother, after some pretty crazy shenanigans, is (probably) solidly on his way to recovery. Jessica, our family friend, is about to get married. The Lewises have had a rough year but four of the six are about to be reunited, and that is something to be thankful about. I have been taking a break from school, but have been working for the past 8 months and getting close (I hope) to a promotion. My best friend is back from 6 months abroad and engaged, and I am going to be her maid of honor. I had coffee today with four of my favorite people-- my mom, sister, Kristin, and Caitlin (my cousin) to celebrate my birthday.
But, of course, the best part is that I am in love. And compared to all the other relationships I have ever been in, this one is the best. To the point where I didn't even know someone so good was waiting for me.

So, even though there are a lot of things that weren't so great about this year, it is still the pinnacle of my short life. Because nothing that I know of can top finding your soulmate and falling in love.

Anyway, I'm off to bed.

I guess not

Turns out Evergreen is having a baptismal service tomorrow and NOT meeting in their usual place... which is good for them, but bad for us, because we can't visit (well, we CAN, but none of us really wants to). Bummer since I took tomorrow off especially for this (for the three of us to go together).
Anyway, Matt and I are going to go check out Imago Dei, just the two of us, which is still exciting. I have seen some pretty sweet stuff on their website about art and especially film in their community. I hope I get to see some of that tomorrow, I have been missing my art community at school... and last night for some reason I looked through the slideshow on the Ethnos website, and I almost wanted to cry. Our church used to be REALLY different... first off, over half the people in the pictures are gone. And second, do you remember when we used to do really cool stuff with sacred spaced? I don't know if anyone else misses it, but I sure do...

can't sleep..

I have the next few days off (4 of them in a row). But they are busy days... tomorrow is the celebration of my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary. I'm not really excited about it because, well, my family is huge and I'm supposed to be taping everything, plus providing coffee, so it will probably be pretty boring. But I am excited for my grandparents! 50 years is a long time, and the fact that we all get to celebrate with them is a beautiful thing.
I have been thinking a lot about marriage lately, it's just on the brain... because of my grandparents, Jon and Kristin, etc. In fact, I had an enlightening conversation with Mer about it the other day. It reminded me of Ephesians 5:31-33 which describes the union of a husband and wife (as my translation puts it): "This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church." I love those words-- a profound mystery! Plus, as the passage says, it is our closest earthly representation of the relationship between Christ and the church...
Anyway, that passage, and 1 Corinthians 13, bring me so much joy when I think about people like my parents, grandparents, and friends-- all of whom are in different stages of the process-- what a gift! Love is an incredible gift... and marriage, the union of two people...
I don't know... I don't really know what that is like, but from standing on the outside, I would have to say that when people are obedient to God, that marriage looks both incredibly beautiful and profoundly mysterious.
Anyway... so that is tomorrow. Sunday morning (usually I work at 4:45am on Sundays) I have off and Matt, Nate and I are going to visit Evergreen. Should be interesting... I have heard a lot about Evergreen but never visited myself.
I am getting pretty tired now writing this, so I'm off to bed.

Ugh. Life is exhausting.

today =

going camping with my mommy, daddy, sister, brother, cousin, uncle and boyfriend.

And, meeting up with my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins (of which there are probably 30 or so), friends, non- and distant-relations, because they are having the 4th (5th?) annual Fortune Family Summer Campout, to which all are invited... oh, and, celebrating the July and August birthdays, of which there are several, including mine. :)

P.S. Harry Potter #7 is amazing......!!

I can't access my e-mail right now which is really obnoxious.
So, a few things that are going on in my life right now:
1) Yesterday I started what is going to be a multiple month-long bible study (I'm guessing it will take me til January or February) on the spiritual gifts of craftmanship and music. Assuming they are spiritual gifts, which I have not yet conclusively proven. I have a lot of questions about this topic and I feel like the church needs a decent and deeply theological explanation of creative worship, so those are my aims. Maybe when I am done we will teach this at school of theology, but I am skeptical about whether or not school of theology will happen, so I'm not sure about that. Regardless, I am going to study the topic for myself until I feel I have come to a conclusion that is in line with Scripture. And if there's no class I guess maybe I will blog about my findings when I am done, or something.
Anyway, here are some of the questions I'm hoping to answer:
A) What does the Bible say about the spiritual gifts of arts/music?
B) How can artists/musicians use their gifts in the church?
C) History of art and worship in the church
D) Corporate worship vs. Personal worship (which is the gift to be used for and is there a right or wrong way to use it)
E) Self-expression, why is art in the church different from art in the world and how should we view it differently
F) Icons, Idolatry, and Iconoclasm (specifically in the OT and early church)
G) Symbols and their relevance today
H) Explaining the complexity of artistic worship in the OT and how (or whether) that is relevant today... it is clear in the OT that art was highly valued as the way to worship and honor God, and that has been true in the European church throughout history (and is still true in many branches of the modern church) but is NOT true in the Western church. So my question is whether that makes sense because "times have changed" or whether there is still a place for the complexity of worship through artistic means.
So far I keep finding more and more questions. I have a thick stack of reference books piled up on my floor and I'm jsut starting... so I'm really excited about what this will mean for answering my personal questions about how to serve. I'm planning on devoting 1-2 hrs a day to this study, which is a big time commitment, so hopefully it will be a good learning experience.

2) Yesterday my super-cool boyfriend spent his lunch hour buying me the last Harry Potter book (which he knew I really wanted). Then when I got really sick at work last night and had to come home early, he came over and kept me company while I was all gross and sickly. (My coworker lent me Firefly so we've started watching that. It is way cool!)

Well that is all I have to say for now. I still can't get to the yahoo homepage to check my mail and that is annoying.
I'm off to make some soup.

alienated

I haven't made a post (at least not a real post) here in a couple months, and that is not because I haven't had thoughts, but because I've stopped myself from sharing them. I type and then I think... what is the point of being real? I don't think people want reality from me.

this video is really dumb and annoying

i suppose things are getting better

but I am still frustrated most of the time...

authority

I have always considered myself to be a person who is respectful of authority, from parents to teachers to government officials. Even church hierarchy. I have tried to have a good attidue and sense of respect for anyone who is appointed to any position in life that is above mine. I value structure very highly, so maybe that is why I think it is so important and force myself to be respectful, obedient, even submissive. I don't know.

I think that is a pretty rare thing for people in my generation. I would guess most people don't think authority is important. Probably because it burns people. And how do you balance what the Bible says about honoring your father and mother and government officials with the sad truth that power corrupts?

So how do you continue to honor Christ with your thoughts and actions when you feel like someone else is holding the reigns?

shakira shakira

I can't sleep. Oh, I wish I could... but I can't.
So here I am blogging instead.
I worked very early this morning and even though I didn't drink any caffeine I am not tired. Which will probably last right up until I get to church and plop down in the pew. Then I'll be exhausted and fall asleep during the sermon. I predict.
So, work has been okay lately except for one little thing. Today my favorite friend from work is leaving our store to work at Sylvan. It's a good thing for her because she got a well-deserved promotion. But it's a bad thing for me 'cause she has kinda been my mentor/buddy for the whole time I've been there. I'm sure I will get to see her plenty, but our store really won't be the same without her there, and that is sad. :(
Hmm. What else...?
There is really nothing going on in my life right now. Matt and I went to look for apartments the other day. For us and our coming baby, Pansy Tarragon Owen/Hartzell to "live in sin" in together until we can make it legit. Haha, just kidding. Man I'm hilarious. It's for him and Nate. They might possibly/probably be living together soon (hopefully I'm not spilling the beans on that one, we told the SW Hills Community Group so I think the cat's pretty much out of the bag already). Anyway, that was a kind of fun and interesting experience...
Oh yeah, we watched The Constant Gardener yesterday. It was pretty okay. Kind of predictable, and the camerawork sometimes made me nauseous, but the acting was alright and it captured my attention for the most part. So it was alright. I think I recommend it.
Ashby, did you go to the theater and see Evening yet?

something to cheer you up

you can't NOT smile when you look at this picture.

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.
James A. Baldwin

The Complete Financial Guide For Young Couples

I picked up this book yesterday and it is really, really good. I know that probably sounds weird, but finances have been on my mind lately. I've never really had a reason to save or spend responsibly, and I tend to be a little impulsive. Sometimes I get into pretty minor debt, but I always pay it off as fast as I can and get back on track.
The reason why this hasn't landed me in (too much) trouble yet is that I don't have a lot of money to spend, and I (purposefully) do not own a credit card, so there's not really an opportunity for debt, as least not much of it. But I'm pretty bad at saving money.
Anyway, this is something I know I really need to work on because at some point I am going to have more money and the way I use it will matter to more than just me. From what I have seen poor finances can be a huge stressor and source of fighting in a marriage. And I don't want that for my family. So I figure I should start learning now so that when I get married I can do it right.
This book is really wise, and I think every couple who is planning on getting married should read it (together). It's a good pre-emptive measure. Plus it has already made me re-evaluate some of the things I've been thinking. The author is a Christian and he teaches a sound Biblical approach to managing money. It's not really anything I've heard before, but at the same time, it seems like common sense.
The author spends a lot of time talking about how (and why) opposites attract, and he paints a very beautiful picture of the "oneness" of marriage... how two people are designed so their strengths and weaknesses, when brought together, balance each other out. It makes me very thankful for Matt because he is very organized and responsible when it comes to most things, especially finances, and it is a good check for me.

Anyway, all of that to say, I really like this book. It is helpful, and it is interesting to read. So I recommend it.

I mentioned that lately I'm trying to pay closer attention to the good marriages I see. But in the last couple weeks I have been reminded that I can learn from others' struggles as well- if I am attentive to them. So I am actively disciplining myself in areas where I know my weakness will damage my relationship. As a pre-emptive measure of my own.

school

Finished my last class on Thursday and now I'm taking a break. That means I'll be picking up more hours at work and hanging out with my friends who are home for the summer (or for small parts of it). I was almost certain that I was in trouble this term, but I managed to pull through finals week and maintain my GPA. So that's good.

I'm taking tomorrow off and I think I'll get up in the morning and go for a run. We'll see.

"Processing things in community" isn't all it's cracked up to be. It depends on people either all being on the same page or being understanding of someone who isn't. And of course these is pressure to "be real" with people but for what purpose? So others can judge the validity of your feelings or so that you can hear them repeated to people you would not have chosen to tell them to?
Where there is even the slightest opportunity for judgement or gossip, people will take it.
All of this to say, I really don't feel like sharing anything with anyone right now. I'm pretty much done.

There's this theory called the James-Lange Theory of Emotion. What it says, basically, is that your brain learns how to interpret feelings based on how your body is responding. That sudden drop in your stomach that tells you you're feeling anxious... or the tears running down your face that tell you you're sad... those are examples.
The other part of the theory is that you can control your emotions by controlling your body. Smile and stand up straight, and eventually you'll feel happier. Or lie in bed and mope around all day and you'll feel depressed.
My body tells me I don't want to feel better. I want to remain anxious and angry and afraid. But my mind tells me I need to move on. I need to get things done. I have a life that I need to tackle today, a project I need to finish, and a final to study for. I can't afford to be anxious or distracted.
So I am making a concious effort for the following things: to be focused. To work hard, even though I don't feel like I can. To forgive what I can (or move in that direction).
It's like putting a smile on my face and waiting for the happiness to follow. I guess I'm putting a lot of faith in the hope that it will.

Yesterday I hung out with Matt the entire day. We mostly just stayed at his apartment, cleaning and organizing stuff. It looks really nice. Also we vaccumed up enough hair to comprise an entire Zeus. That cat sheds like crazy. I wore a black shirt and by the end of the day I looked like a giant grey hairball.
It was nice to just relax after such a stressful week. I basically bawled my eyes out every day last week and by Friday I was really getting tired of it. And also dehydrated.
It was a blessing to be able to just hang out, have fun and enjoy each others' company. I'm really glad he's around, because he's pretty much the only thing that's keeping me sane right now.

Job 7:11-20 (NLT)

I am tired and there is no end in sight
God, I just want to run

Tonight Matt and I spent some time with the Rameys. It was weird-- a response to all of the things that have happened. Or that's what it was going in. It turned into something else, and that was weird. Sometimes you find yourself saying something and you think, where did that come from? And why didn't I recognize/articulate that earlier? Today was one of those days.
Anyway, on the way home I listened to this song on the radio, and it really means nothing about this current situation, but it just felt good to listen to this at this moment. I don't really expect anyone to understand what I'm talking about, I am just talking, after all.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

I didn't sleep that well. Mostly because of the thunderstorm, but also because I feel nauseous.
And hopeless. I have built up some role models over the past few years. My parents, the Rameys, the Wolvertons, the Fergusons, the Lewises (my aunt and uncle)... to name a few. I have watched them all closely for many years.
Since Matt and I have started dating, I have paid even closer attention. How do they speak to each other? Or about each other? What do they do together? Do I see them argue? How do they support each other, what does that look like?
The thing is, I really want to get married someday, and when I do, I want it to be strong and healthy and beautiful. I want a relationship like the one my parents have. Or rather, I need that kind of relationship because failure is not an option. And I desperately, desperately want to be happy, and to be the best wife I possibly can be. I want to honor God and honor my husband. I want to be the one who helps him realize his dreams. I want to know how to build him up and support him and love him and I want us to grow closer together and closer to Christ.
I am absolutely terrified of messing this up. So I watch people. I watch people who I think have good, strong, healthy marriages and I try to figure out what makes them that way. And despite all the bad marriages that are out there, that I have seen, I have never felt truly scared of getting married until now.

let the torture end!

I desperately miss my friends. They have been gone since February and I haven't even spoken with them since then (except for an occasional e-mail or text). It seems like a ton has happened. Kristin got engaged, I started dating Matt (which I guess is small in comparison but it feels very big to me), and Becky has been living in an immersion program in Argentina where she is only allowed to speak in Spanish! Brianna ended school a few weeks ago but she has been touring with a theater troupe since then, so I have not gotten to see her yet.
Anyway, it is finally June, and that means they are coming home, one right after the other (literally). So now I am just counting down the days:
June 23- Kristin
June 24- Becky
June 25- Brianna

Yay! I hope this month passes quickly.

more drama at the Owen house

So last night my parents came home from their anniversary trip to the beach (it's their 25th this year), and I guess they were sitting around with my brother playing a game when they heard my sister screaming upstairs...
"Help me! Help me! I just pooped in the toilet and it overflowed!"

Thank God I was at work or I probably would have been roped into the family adventure of mopping up the mess...

some people are so rude

Today at work a customer brought back a drink complaining that there were coffee grounds in his cup. Of course he had already had most of the drink, but here's the thing. It was an espresso drink. There's pretty much no way coffee grounds could get in that cup.
Which really bothers me. There's really no reason to lie, because we remake drinks all the time for absolutely no reason. And yet people do lie. And sometimes I am soooooo tempted to just hit them with some smart retort. Especially when they're rude liars. But of course I don't.
This guy was particularly rude to me and even after we remade his drink he grabbed up all of his trash, stomped away, and on his way out of the store, threw all the trash on a nearby table.
Seriously, some people are so effing rude that I just want to slap them.
It's worst when they're regular customers, because I see these people almost every day.
Anyway... that's pretty much all I have to say.
I'm already over it.

matrix of meanings

A couple years ago, while previewing colleges, I picked up this book at Biola (which is supposed to have a pretty impressive film center). While I wasn't really thrilled with their facilities or equipment, they do seem to have a pretty well-developed understanding of the use and need for Godly people in the mainstream media. It was one of the only Christian schools I went to that didn't treat a career in TV or Film like something that was inherently wrong. Like God is absent from the mainstream media. I visited quite a few schools who believed that working in TV or film would only be "right" if you were doing it with a Christian agenda. Which I think is a pretty ignorant view to hold.
Biola is one of the few schools that understands the importane of pop culture. That sounds kind of dumb, but I really do mean it. Pop culture isn't bad in and of itself. God isn't absent from it. Rather, God uses these things to reach people in ways we never would have dreamed of... and that is pretty impressive. So being a Christian in this field doesn't mean running in the opposite direction. Or limiting yourself to directing movies that star Kirk Cameron (sorry, I'm not a fan).
Anyway, I digress. The point is, this book is cool. It makes me feel like there are others out there who find value in the things I value. Who really get the concept of being in the world but not of the world. And don't try to define God's power or reach over culture.
There is one thing that kind of made me smirk. The guy talks about postmodernism and the emerging church-- the "cool" new trend for the church. Then he talks about how, like with everything else in our culture, it has already begun to lose its edge. How POST-postmodernism is already beginning to form. (this was a few years ago that this book was written)
It makes me smirk because, on the one hand... what the..? Post-postmodernism? Are you kidding?
But, on the other hand, I see it. I feel it. Sometimes I feel just as alienated by the emerging church as any other church. Sometimes it feels like we've swung the pendulum too far in the other direction, and I kind of want to push back. I'm sure there are many people out there who would disagree with me. That's cool. I'm just saying... sometimes I feel like we're completely missing the point.

(Anyway, Kristin, there is an update for you. You can't withdraw your approval based on my blog. If so then I withdraw my approval from the entire continent of Australia. You haven't been updating too frequently either.)

jerry falwell is dead

Weird huh?

There are many reasons...

...why I hate gardening, but this is the biggest one:



The chances of encountering them greatly increase when you seek them out in their natural environment.


You may look at this picture and say to yourself "aww, that is cute! Why would anyone hate frogs?" but if that is what you are thinking, think again. Try image searching "mutant frog" or "three-headed frog" and see what comes up. Then you will understand the true horror of these repulsive creatures.

happy, and also jealous

My best friend is engaged!!!

I am really excited and happy for her. Unfortunately, both she and Jon (her fiance) are in Australia right now so we can't do the whole screaming/crying/obsessing over her pretty ring thing. Which I miss. And her.

I can't believe it. I am just really excited! Almost overflowing...

:)

Also though, I have an amazing and adorably sweet boyfriend who I love. And he makes me really happy.

So... life's not all bad. ;)

Can I just be honest

I have to say, I love Ethnos. I really do.
But lately, I am just burnt out on the church. I look at my schedule every week and it is full of church commitments. Things that I do out of obligation and because of pressure and not because I love my community or I love Jesus or I want to serve. I am surprised at how bad my attitude has gotten. I want to fix it, but I don't know how.
The key word in all of this is pressure. Sometimes church just feels like an unrelenting burden that I carry around. I do things because I have to do them. Because if I don't do them then I am not fulfilling my role in this community.
So I started slowly dropping things and hoping it would make me feel a little better, when I was less busy and less stressed. No sacred space; no coming early on Sundays anymore. For a while I couldn't go to community group because of school. I missed it, and I came back. But still, there is this restlessness and stress that follows me everywhere, poisons my attitude and makes me not want to do the other things I have committed to doing. Girl's night on Monday night. Meeting with my mentor. Community group. Sacred space. Hermeneutics, Sunday Gatherings. Not to mention all the informal gatherings and stuff that I participate in. All of these things to do. And not that I hate any one thing, but the combination was so overwhelming. I feel like I am always "on", that I am always trying to fulfill all the "ministry opportunities" I'm being asked to participate in. And there is the constant push for more. Talk to more people. Welcome coffees. Children's ministry. If you're not doing these things, you should, because by not doing them you are being disobedient and you're directly responsible for the financial failure of the church.
I'm just saying. I know I have a horrible attitude. I am fully aware of how bad it really is. I'm just saying, this is how I feel.
The worst part is, despite doing all of these things, despite being surrounded by a community that loves me and wants to invest me, and who I am constantly spending time with, I still feel alone. I still feel like I'm waiting to be trained and invested in. And I don't mean that to accuse anyone or make anyone feel bad. Really. I just feel isolated. And I don't know why.
Sometimes, my parents tell me about the training they got when they were my age and in college, and I am so jealous. I wish someone would teach me like that. I wish I knew how to study the Bible and draw closer to God. I would go so far as to say that I don't just want these things, I desperately need them and I feel like I'm drowning without them. How do I keep doing ministry when I am this discouraged and when I don't feel like I am growing? I just want to quit everything.
Sometimes, on days when my attitude is particularly bad, I wonder why I don't want to do my part. I try to push myself to get over it and then end up resenting my commitments and myself for not following through or taking up my cross. I wish I didn't have this horrible attitude, but I don't know what to do. I pray that my heart will change but week to week I am more distracted and discouraged.
I wonder sometimes if I have what it takes to be part of a church plant like Ethnos. I don't know if I do. Seriously.

New term, new classes. I did pretty well last term (despite my fears and the nagging suspicion I might barely squeeze by in sound production). Suffice it to say that I am on track to reach my GPA goal (so far). I have some pretty sweet classes this term: Psychology and Editing, which I'm excited about.
Other than that, life is full of a lot of work and a lot of random commitments (sp?). Work is going really well... in fact, I have my 6-month review tomorrow, which I've been looking forward to, because it means I get a formal evaluation and a performance-based raise (YAY). It might sound funny, but I'm actually looking forward to the evaluation part of it, too. I want to know how I'm doing and what I can do better. I like my job, and I think I do it pretty well, but there are always ways to improve... and I like setting goals and feeling like I am reaching them. I don't know how temporary my position is (it's treating me well; I might stay at Starbucks for a while), but I think people are generally happier when they have a good attitude about their job, take pride in what they do, and do it to the best of their ability. So even if I end up leaving in another 6 months, I still want to be knowledgeable and friendly and just good at what I do for as long as I do it. It may not really be that important in the grand scheme of things, but it makes me happy.
The other thing I've been trying to do lately is get more organized, especially with my finances and stuff like that. I decided to start repaying my loans now, since I have a lot of disposable income and it would be really easy for me to just blow through this phase and waste money on random crap. That's usually what I would do. So I am trying to make more responsible long-term choices like paying off my loans, building credit, saving for retirement, planning/sticking to a budget, and trying to put money into savings. We'll see how all of this goes. It is not easy for me to think long-term about things like finances, so this is a big (but necessary) learning experience for me.


Anyway... this blog was probably boring but... oh well, I wasn't sleepy, so I just needed to bore myself a little.

I hate life

I feel horrible.
Today has seriously been the worst day that I can remember having in a long time. I can't decide if I want to scream or cry or punch someone or throw up or just sleep away the rest of the week. Probably all of those things.
Unfortunately for me I have over 2 hours left of my shift...

...I wish I could just skip the rest of the day.

...ugh.

:(

I apologize for not deleting those comments earlier.
I'm not really sure what to say. I wish I knew the wise/proper response to what has been said, but I don't. I am at a loss. I know we have all made poor choices and that a lot of people have been hurt. I have taken ownership of my mistakes and apologized for them. I have done what I can to repair the damage that has been done. I don't think it is right to publicly air private grievances.
It makes me sad, thinking about what we just talked about on Sunday... how slander can be such a destructive force. All I know is, it is not going to take place on my blog.
So, without disclosing anything more than what is absolutely necessary, I would like to make it clear that slander is not going to be tolerated here. And if there are any further inappropriate comments, they will be promptly deleted.

Do you think I'm beautiful?

"When I let myself search for the truth of my heart, underneath all the learned behaviors and coping techniques is a woman-- make that a little girl inside the body of a woman-- who wants to grow up and be beautiful one day too.
Maybe there is a design flaw. Maybe I shouldn't have been made with these longings that cannot be realized. When I think about beauty, I picture Cindy Crawford and immediately tell myself to shut up. When I listen to my heart's ache to be known, it only makes me insecure and afraid. To think about beauty and then think about my flabby everything gives me pain. It just seems better not to go there. Avoid this one. Smile a lot and act happy.
And so I have learned to pretend. (Besides, most of the women I know are pretending too.) Pretend that I have a handle on body image. Pretend that I am strong and sure. Pretend that I don't long to be held and protected in the deepest places of my soul. Pretend that I don't long for more than the world says I can have or more than marriage has to offer. Pretend that it doesn't really matter if I am known or if I am beautiful.
I am not alone in my pretending or my longing. All you have to do is walk into a room of women and look into their eyes, each one desiring to be known as beautiful. Some almost ask, "do you think I'm beautiful?" out loud and some have learned to never ask it again.
When no one notices, we learn to pretend that it doesn't matter. But, Lord knows, it matters. It matters in your soul and it matters in the way you wake up every morning and step into life.
Maybe no one has ever really noticed you either. And you've learned to pretend that it's okay. IT'S NOT OKAY. You were made to be seen and known and loved deeply. And it's okay to want what you were made for.
...I am realizing that the feminine design, my design, is both mysterious and complex. And yet, the design is completely God's idea. ...I am supposed to have a passionnate heart that does not have to be squelched. I am supposed to yearn for beauty and long to be known deeply. I came wired like this. Every woman I know came with very similar questions and desires.
...When life comes undone, when pretending is not an option anymore, when everything has fallen apart and fallen away, amazingly, it all becomes very simple. When no one can do anything to help and there isn't a straw left to grasp or a mask left to hide behind, God gets to move center stage. He has our undivided attention. The questions that we've held out to everyone remain, but there is no one to answer them except Him.
In that place, I finally came to see that the questions are rightfully mine, but the answers that truly fill and give strength will come only from God. It is so okay for my soul and yours to scream Do You think I'm beautiful? and there is a transformation happening as I listen to God tell me, resoundingly, yes.
The beauty that I desire is not really about body image. (Okay, it's a little about body image. Shoot, some days it feels like my quest for beauty is ALL about body image.) But the deeper beauty I long for is about complete acceptance.
God, do You see me flawed and sinful and still call me beautiful? Do You see the loneliness? Do You see me struggle? Do You see the unmet desires of my heart? Do You see me trying to manipulate and control? Do You see me yearn for the things I can't have? Do You see me cry for time that is lost and the life I will not know? God, do You see me in all this mess and still think I'm beautiful?"
-Angela Thomas

(I can't really add to this.)

exciting

Today is my last day of winter term! I've got two projects due (a sound edit/animatic and my script portfolio).
I'm really ready for a break... I mean, really, really ready. So hopefully all goes well, and I manage to not screw this up too badly.
Yay for spring break!

finally!

Today, finally, after 4 weeks of the most horrific and frustrating writer's block I have ever experienced, I found a plot for my script. Something that might actually work instead of just ten pages of useless junk (like what I have been spitting out lately).
So, I have a few hours to get a rough draft of this thing. I have somewhere between 3 and 5 pages left to write, maybe more. Depending on what I rework.
What a relief. The hard part-- finding an idea that works-- is pretty much over. I can write dialogue like nobody's business (even if it is OTN-- I don't care). So anyway, here goes...

I am tired. I don't know if I am tired physically, or emotionally, or both. I just don't feel that great. I don't know.
Pray for me to keep up on my quiet times. I got distracted/fell behind in the month of February and I'm trying to catch up. It is hard because there are a lot of distractions, mostly being in my house (it is pretty much the most distracting thing I can think of). But reading the Word lately has been encouraging, even though I am chugging along at a pace I can't really keep up for long (especially with my school/work load).

So, yeah. I don't know. Thanks Jon and Kristin for saying hi. And Becky, I will definitely e-mail you when I get the chance. Thanks for giving me the address... I tried to find it on your myspace/facebook and they don't exist anymore. So yeah... appreciated.

some things that may or may not be useful to you

I read this article today that said there is a link between cold feet and catching colds during the winter. Chilling the body constricts your blood vessels and cuts off the blood supply to the nasal passages. This is one of the primary ways germs enter your body and without the disease-fighting white blood cells to protect you, you're pretty much screwed. So, try to stay warm in general, and especially wear thermal socks in the winter! Because your feet are one of the first places you get cold.

Second, topically applied coffee grounds reduce the appearance of cellulite and can clear and brighten your skin. This is partially because of the chemical makeup of coffee and partially because of the rough texture of the grounds (pretty much a natural exfoliant). However, coffee is a natural laxative so it should always be used with a good moisturizer, or it can dry out your skin.

And... speaking of coffee... did you know that each coffee cherry produces only 2 beans? A full coffee plant will harvest only 1 to 1 and 1/2 lbs of coffee beans PER YEAR. That is insane. I was looking around our store this morning and trying to picture in my head how many coffee plants that represents, in just the beans we have sitting around right now. I can't imagine.
No wonder coffee is so expensive.

some things I want to get done today:

-brainstorm some ideas for my final script and email them to Jackie
-write a 5-page and 7-page first draft for scriptwriting
-finish studying the JVC300 manual for my certification test
-finish the rest of the text for sound production
-run 5 miles
-email Kristin

and maybe, possibly hang out with my dad and brother if I get everything else done (I don't think that's going to happen, though).

So, February is almost over.
Almost.


And on an unrelated note, does anyone want to help me shoot a short film?
...anyone? I'm guessing no, but it would be wonderful if someone did.

We're starting a bowling team. We being my buddies at Starbucks.


I am stoked.

Oh man. I seriously just want to cry. I am too tired to deal with my life right now.

My brother moved back home today, and I am scared. I think bad things are probably going to happen now that he is around. I am just exhausted by the drama he brings into our house. I wish I could escape everything. I wish I were pretty much anywhere but here right now.
I hate feeling helpless, I hate feeling compromised, I hate a lot of things that I wish I didn't hate, and no matter how hard I try, there are really no words to describe the depth of my disappointment, confusion, whatever. I don't know. There are no words. None.
I had this weird thought today, when I was driving my dad's car back from the apartment. This was only the second time I have driven his car. The only other time he allowed me to was once when Daniel was in the hospital. So, it reminded me of that week. We went to the olive garden for dinner because it was right by the hospital. I hadn't slept. None of us had. And I ordered a meal that I never took a bite of. And we all kind of sat there staring at each other and being devastated.
The thing is, when everything falls apart so visibly, you are free to grieve, to fall apart, to be comforted, to be confused and anxious and disoriented and sit there doing absolutely nothing. But what happens when things fall apart quietly, piece by piece, until you can't even point to a moment when it all went wrong because the moments just surround you and box you in? What are you supposed to do then?
It feels just like grief. Like I want to lie in bed and stare at my ceiling and not think because it hurts.

I have no idea how to get through this.

WHAT?!

It is awesome that Izzie took a power drill to a guy's skull and somehow saved his life.
But... Meredith can't really die... can she?

I'm just saying. It's not Grey's Anatomy without Dr. Grey.

(I have a life outside of TV. I swear.)

The Happiest Place on Earth

Some things are just too awesome not to share. That picture being one of them.


Anyway, on Tuesday I got back from my trip to Cali. I spent a day at Disneyland, which, as well all know, is the greatest place in the entire world. Other than that, the trip did not have a whole lot of highlights. There were some tears on my part when I had to say goodbye to my best friend (she is going to Australia for a million years). There were also some other low points that I can only really describe as typical freshman in college scenarios. Not that we are freshmen... but, um... yeah. I'll just leave it at that.
Soooo, since everyone loves to be forced to look at other peoples' vacation photos, I figured I would privelege you with some of mine. They are dandy. (Yeah, I just said dandy.)


The Star Tours ride is about 82% of the reason I went to California in the first place. There is nothing quite as satisfying as riding in a space ship and blowing up the death star. Unfortunately, Andy was the only one cool enough to do this ride with me... Jon and Kristin were too busy making out on some roller coaster... or something.


Pirates! They added Captain Jack to the ride, and he is eerily life-like. Unfortunately you can't take pictures during the ride, or I would have, and just told everyone that I had met Johnny Depp. That's how real he looked.


This was when we were waiting in line for Mr. Toad's wild ride... which I wasn't too thrilled about, for obvious reasons. And if you are wondering... we are twirling our mustaches.



I was pretty excited about the artifacts on the Indiana Jones ride. Brianna was pretty excited about groping me.



Also, I suck at the Buzz Lightyear ride. We found this out and I cried from sheer disappointment and embarassment. This picture was taken before the tears, though.


This is my favorite picture from our whole trip... but it makes me miss Kristin, and Jon. AUSTRALIA IS FAR AWAY. AND FOUR MONTHS IS A LONG TIME.

COME HOME!!!

AHHHHHH.

Why is Pam with Roy?
Stupid Pam.

newport beach makes my heart ache

It feels so distant that it could almost be another lifetime; I stood on this pier with a different future and different dreams spread out before me. Different relationships with their own sets of strengths and their own weaknesses.
But there is beauty in the changing of the tide; in the push and pull of life. There is strength both in stepping forward and in taking a moment to look back. In the end, there is good, no matter how much pain it takes to reach it.
So far, that is all I know for sure.

I'm leaving

Well, despite what can only be described as a 4-day long asthma attack, I'm off to LA tomorrow. I'm a little nervous because my parents are gone on the elders' retreat, so if something goes wrong with my flight, or I mess anything up in any way, there will be no one around to bail me out. Hopefully I don't screw up and miss my flight, or lose my baggage, or lose my boarding pass, or accidentally pack a pocket knife in a carry-on, or get kidnapped, or somehow get on the wrong plane and accidentally fly myself to timbuktu.... then again, you never know...
Oh! I hope I don't get airsick. I didn't even think about that... but it is the most likely. :(
Anyway. I'm looking forward to getting away for a while and hanging out with Brianna and Andy (I haven't seen them in months) and my cousin Connor. Looking forward to a little Disneyland, a little sunny weather, the beach, In & Out burger, getting a crazy piercing or two... you know. All the fun stuff. ;)
However-- I'm really NOT looking forward to saying goodbye to Kristin. That part will suck.

I think I'm pretty excited, though. It's hard to know if I'm antsy because of excitement or because I'm still all drugged up and not getting enough oxygen. Only time will tell...

i feel horrible

So I am sick and I feel AWFUL. Every part of my body hurts. I tried sleeping it off but every time I sleep I wake up feeling even worse. Plus my asthma is trying to strangle me in my sleep. Literally. I kept waking up realizing I'd stopped breathing.
If I have ever felt this sick before in my life, I don't remember it. No matter what I just keep feeling worse and worse.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh I hate life!!!
I seriously feel like I might die.

yuck

perspective

Lately, my parents and I have been having some really honest and encouraging conversations... I am glad that I have two very strong role models right at my fingertips so that I can constantly soak up their wisdom. They are pretty impressive people.
Anyway, I really like talking to my mom about the Bible because she knows so much scripture. You can seriously ask her questions almost like you'd look things up in a concordance or topical bible. She's that knowledgeable. I am glad, because I'm not there yet.

We had this amazing conversation yesterday about the stories in the Old Testament. I have been trying to immerse myself in scripture. (Okay, I'm not going to say that I've been trying it so much as that it's become absolutely crucial. If I didn't have the word to encourage me, I would be completely falling apart. So it's not a concious choice so much as a gut reaction.... sometimes I don't get the whole concept until it's thrown at me quite painfully. This being one of those times.)
Anyway. My mom and I were talking about the story of Hagar, which is one I read at the beginning of January, but was so touched by that I have prayed for her attitude almost every day since then. I was sharing all this with my mom and she said it was something I should blog about. So... here I am.
If you don't know the story of Hagar, you can look it up in Genesis 16 and Genesis 21. But here is the gist: Abraham is promised a son, but his wife (Sarah) is old and doesn't trust God that it will happen. So she tells Abraham to sleep with her maid, Hagar. Hagar gets pregnant, and Sarah is insanely jealous, and punishes Hagar so cruelly that she flees out into the desert.
Which is where this happens:
The angel of the LORD found her by a spring of water in the wilderness, the spring on the way to Shur. And he said, "Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?" She said, "I am fleeing from my mistress Sarai." The angel of the LORD said to her, "Return to your mistress and submit to her." The angel of the LORD also said to her, "I will surely multiply your offspring so that they cannot be numbered for multitude." And the angel of the LORD said to her,

"Behold, you are pregnant
and shall bear a son.
You shall call his name Ishmael,
because the LORD has listened to your affliction.
He shall be a wild donkey of a man,
his hand against everyone
and everyone's hand against him,
and he shall dwell over against all his kinsmen."

So she called the name of the LORD who spoke to her, "You are a God of seeing," for she said, "Truly here I have seen him who looks after me."

There is something about this that just blows me away. First of all, the position that Hagar is in is one that is too horrible for me to imagine. She is a servant. She has a son by a man she doesn't even seem to like. Her mistress treats her so badly that she would rather run away into the desert than endure another day with her. She is at the end of her rope, completely alone, when she comes before God.
Now, the way that God treats Hagar throughout her life confuses me. It is something I don't pretend to understand, the way that he allows her to suffer. He listens to her complaints. He feels her pain. Then he says, "Return to your mistress and submit to her."
Even the blessings he promises to her are bittersweet. She will have a son, and her son will be blessed (there is more of this in chapter 21, which I will get to). But he will also be an obnoxious jerk. And Hagar herself does not get a blessing. She gets to go back and endure the unendurable for the sake of the glory of God.
But, what touched me when I read it was the way that she reacted. It's praise. She is satisfied and complete just knowing that God had heard her, even though he did nothing to alleviate her pain. He didn't even give her an explanation for the pain she felt. He just said, "I hear you, now obey me." And she said, "Praise God, I will obey."
That interaction caught my attention because it's hard to accept that from God. I feel like if he knows I am in pain and praying for comfort he should do something about it. If he doesn't, he must not have heard me. Because how can a good God hear your cries of pain, understand them, and then tell you to go back, grit your teeth, and bear it? Without any explanation or hope of change?
The thing about this story is, it gets better. Or worse, if you're Hagar. Eventually (chapter 21) Sarah DOES get pregnant, and then she becomes even MORE jealous. She insists that Hagar and Ishmael have got to go. And God tells Abraham to honor his wife. So Abraham sends them out into the desert, and Hagar is wandering around desperate AGAIN.
When the water in the skin was gone, she put the child under one of the bushes. Then she went and sat down opposite him a good way off, about the distance of a bowshot, for she said, "Let me not look on the death of the child." And as she sat opposite him, she lifted up her voice and wept. And God heard the voice of the boy, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, "What troubles you, Hagar? Fear not, for God has heard the voice of the boy where he is. Up! Lift up the boy, and hold him fast with your hand, for I will make him into a great nation." Then God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water. And she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink. And God was with the boy, and he grew up.
Yet again her attitude amazes me. Because even when she is on the brink of utter defeat, God calls her back and says, "I have big plans for this boy, so you've got to trust me on this." Again, it couldn't be clearer that this story is not about her. It's not about her being happy or blessed. It's about her being obedient for the greater glory of God. And she IS obedient, without questioning God about her pain. He heard her, and that is all she needs to endure.

...How crazy is that? I have been turning this over in my mind every day, praying for that same attitude, and praying for enough faith and wisdom not to question God about the role my pain has in his greater glory. I don't need to understand it. I need to trust and be obedient. I know that God hears me. He is a God who hears. And even if he doesn't change anything, I know he understands the pain that I am going through. I want that to satisfy me enough that I can leave my doubts behind and just OBEY.

Anyway, I thought I would share that. I have had a very humbling week, and it draws to mind my need for faith and, most of all, obedience. Which is what this whole thing is about.