I have to say, I love Ethnos. I really do.
But lately, I am just burnt out on the church. I look at my schedule every week and it is full of church commitments. Things that I do out of obligation and because of pressure and not because I love my community or I love Jesus or I want to serve. I am surprised at how bad my attitude has gotten. I want to fix it, but I don't know how.
The key word in all of this is pressure. Sometimes church just feels like an unrelenting burden that I carry around. I do things because I have to do them. Because if I don't do them then I am not fulfilling my role in this community.
So I started slowly dropping things and hoping it would make me feel a little better, when I was less busy and less stressed. No sacred space; no coming early on Sundays anymore. For a while I couldn't go to community group because of school. I missed it, and I came back. But still, there is this restlessness and stress that follows me everywhere, poisons my attitude and makes me not want to do the other things I have committed to doing. Girl's night on Monday night. Meeting with my mentor. Community group. Sacred space. Hermeneutics, Sunday Gatherings. Not to mention all the informal gatherings and stuff that I participate in. All of these things to do. And not that I hate any one thing, but the combination was so overwhelming. I feel like I am always "on", that I am always trying to fulfill all the "ministry opportunities" I'm being asked to participate in. And there is the constant push for more. Talk to more people. Welcome coffees. Children's ministry. If you're not doing these things, you should, because by not doing them you are being disobedient and you're directly responsible for the financial failure of the church.
I'm just saying. I know I have a horrible attitude. I am fully aware of how bad it really is. I'm just saying, this is how I feel.
The worst part is, despite doing all of these things, despite being surrounded by a community that loves me and wants to invest me, and who I am constantly spending time with, I still feel alone. I still feel like I'm waiting to be trained and invested in. And I don't mean that to accuse anyone or make anyone feel bad. Really. I just feel isolated. And I don't know why.
Sometimes, my parents tell me about the training they got when they were my age and in college, and I am so jealous. I wish someone would teach me like that. I wish I knew how to study the Bible and draw closer to God. I would go so far as to say that I don't just want these things, I desperately need them and I feel like I'm drowning without them. How do I keep doing ministry when I am this discouraged and when I don't feel like I am growing? I just want to quit everything.
Sometimes, on days when my attitude is particularly bad, I wonder why I don't want to do my part. I try to push myself to get over it and then end up resenting my commitments and myself for not following through or taking up my cross. I wish I didn't have this horrible attitude, but I don't know what to do. I pray that my heart will change but week to week I am more distracted and discouraged.
I wonder sometimes if I have what it takes to be part of a church plant like Ethnos. I don't know if I do. Seriously.
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9 comments:
You may not have what it takes but I know that you and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens us.
I wouldn't sweat all the in-the-church things. If you get all burnt out and keep doing it out of a sense of obligation and not because you enjoy it it'll probably end with you leaving the church.
As far as welcome coffee and other outreaches go, just try to engage non believers or those in your life that arn't part of ethnos. From experience if you are being friendly and are genuine and try God will see that you are willing / ready to be used and use you in His timing.
Ciara, Burn out happens everywhere in life. People expect to much of you, obligations are endless, and life becomes hectic instead of enjoyable. I remember a time when I was a young mother trying to do it all. I joined every play date, I joined every class, I had 5 Bible Studie's and Russ and I were leading one, I kept a perfect house, made perfect dinner's , etc., etc., etc. And then I hit the wall. Who was I doing it for? Was God asking me to do all this? During reflection time God told me it was OK to just say no. And once I started to do that life became more interesting. Bible Study became a focus I am still involved in 20 years later. My family became my number one priority with God at the center of it all. God isn't asking you to do it all Ciara, man is. Sit down, relax, pray. listen to His voice and let Him show you His will for you. And I bet you, no will become a word that flows rather easily at times! I hope this helped some, Vicki
I'm glad that you can read my mind and write these posts for me. It's very efficient, as I don't have to spend time writing them. So thanks for that.
I hear you. I'm not at the bad attitude stage, but I have recently come to the conclusion that something needs to give. I was filling in my calendar last weekend and realized that in the next three months I have two Sundays where I don't have some responsibility.
i am not sure people are supposed to live life thinking EVERY ASPECT of their lives has über-super-cosmic significance. it tired me out very quickly.
you have my empathy!
etc, etc.
Humans only have so much capacity to "do". I think it might actually be a sign of wisdom rather than of a bad attitude to step back when it gets to be too much.
There's nothing wrong with taking a sabath. In fact, I read somewhere that it's strongly encouraged. :)
I know the feeling. I was feeling it at West Hills well before we left. I love working with the kids, but when we came to Ethnos I had to to a break and regroup. And now, I don't do nearly as much at Ethnos as I did at West Hills. It's okay to take a step back and take a break. We all need it.
I'm sorry Ciara if I may you feel like any of that, surely not my intent! When we are using our gifts to glorify God and not men it is fulfilling and not draining. The Christian life isn't about being happy & resting & does involve hard work, but it is about joy, joy that only comes when we are in His will doing His plan with the gifts He gave us, for His glory. Mom and I are eager and able to help in the equipping process too!
Marko
Jesus said: "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for my load is easy and my burden is light." Stop worrying about ministry. Re-focus on Jesus. Spend time in the gospels--read large portions of them at one time and meditate on and "walk" with Jesus! I've seen you when you are connected to the Vine in this way, and I think that is really where you want to be.
I think you might like to read that book I am working on right now: "Trying Too Hard to Measure Up.". It addresses a lot of what you are struggling with right now.
And get that spiritual survey from Justin and we can start working on a training plan!
Love,
Mom
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