perspective

Lately, my parents and I have been having some really honest and encouraging conversations... I am glad that I have two very strong role models right at my fingertips so that I can constantly soak up their wisdom. They are pretty impressive people.
Anyway, I really like talking to my mom about the Bible because she knows so much scripture. You can seriously ask her questions almost like you'd look things up in a concordance or topical bible. She's that knowledgeable. I am glad, because I'm not there yet.

We had this amazing conversation yesterday about the stories in the Old Testament. I have been trying to immerse myself in scripture. (Okay, I'm not going to say that I've been trying it so much as that it's become absolutely crucial. If I didn't have the word to encourage me, I would be completely falling apart. So it's not a concious choice so much as a gut reaction.... sometimes I don't get the whole concept until it's thrown at me quite painfully. This being one of those times.)
Anyway. My mom and I were talking about the story of Hagar, which is one I read at the beginning of January, but was so touched by that I have prayed for her attitude almost every day since then. I was sharing all this with my mom and she said it was something I should blog about. So... here I am.
If you don't know the story of Hagar, you can look it up in Genesis 16 and Genesis 21. But here is the gist: Abraham is promised a son, but his wife (Sarah) is old and doesn't trust God that it will happen. So she tells Abraham to sleep with her maid, Hagar. Hagar gets pregnant, and Sarah is insanely jealous, and punishes Hagar so cruelly that she flees out into the desert.
Which is where this happens:
The angel of the LORD found her by a spring of water in the wilderness, the spring on the way to Shur. And he said, "Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?" She said, "I am fleeing from my mistress Sarai." The angel of the LORD said to her, "Return to your mistress and submit to her." The angel of the LORD also said to her, "I will surely multiply your offspring so that they cannot be numbered for multitude." And the angel of the LORD said to her,

"Behold, you are pregnant
and shall bear a son.
You shall call his name Ishmael,
because the LORD has listened to your affliction.
He shall be a wild donkey of a man,
his hand against everyone
and everyone's hand against him,
and he shall dwell over against all his kinsmen."

So she called the name of the LORD who spoke to her, "You are a God of seeing," for she said, "Truly here I have seen him who looks after me."

There is something about this that just blows me away. First of all, the position that Hagar is in is one that is too horrible for me to imagine. She is a servant. She has a son by a man she doesn't even seem to like. Her mistress treats her so badly that she would rather run away into the desert than endure another day with her. She is at the end of her rope, completely alone, when she comes before God.
Now, the way that God treats Hagar throughout her life confuses me. It is something I don't pretend to understand, the way that he allows her to suffer. He listens to her complaints. He feels her pain. Then he says, "Return to your mistress and submit to her."
Even the blessings he promises to her are bittersweet. She will have a son, and her son will be blessed (there is more of this in chapter 21, which I will get to). But he will also be an obnoxious jerk. And Hagar herself does not get a blessing. She gets to go back and endure the unendurable for the sake of the glory of God.
But, what touched me when I read it was the way that she reacted. It's praise. She is satisfied and complete just knowing that God had heard her, even though he did nothing to alleviate her pain. He didn't even give her an explanation for the pain she felt. He just said, "I hear you, now obey me." And she said, "Praise God, I will obey."
That interaction caught my attention because it's hard to accept that from God. I feel like if he knows I am in pain and praying for comfort he should do something about it. If he doesn't, he must not have heard me. Because how can a good God hear your cries of pain, understand them, and then tell you to go back, grit your teeth, and bear it? Without any explanation or hope of change?
The thing about this story is, it gets better. Or worse, if you're Hagar. Eventually (chapter 21) Sarah DOES get pregnant, and then she becomes even MORE jealous. She insists that Hagar and Ishmael have got to go. And God tells Abraham to honor his wife. So Abraham sends them out into the desert, and Hagar is wandering around desperate AGAIN.
When the water in the skin was gone, she put the child under one of the bushes. Then she went and sat down opposite him a good way off, about the distance of a bowshot, for she said, "Let me not look on the death of the child." And as she sat opposite him, she lifted up her voice and wept. And God heard the voice of the boy, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, "What troubles you, Hagar? Fear not, for God has heard the voice of the boy where he is. Up! Lift up the boy, and hold him fast with your hand, for I will make him into a great nation." Then God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water. And she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink. And God was with the boy, and he grew up.
Yet again her attitude amazes me. Because even when she is on the brink of utter defeat, God calls her back and says, "I have big plans for this boy, so you've got to trust me on this." Again, it couldn't be clearer that this story is not about her. It's not about her being happy or blessed. It's about her being obedient for the greater glory of God. And she IS obedient, without questioning God about her pain. He heard her, and that is all she needs to endure.

...How crazy is that? I have been turning this over in my mind every day, praying for that same attitude, and praying for enough faith and wisdom not to question God about the role my pain has in his greater glory. I don't need to understand it. I need to trust and be obedient. I know that God hears me. He is a God who hears. And even if he doesn't change anything, I know he understands the pain that I am going through. I want that to satisfy me enough that I can leave my doubts behind and just OBEY.

Anyway, I thought I would share that. I have had a very humbling week, and it draws to mind my need for faith and, most of all, obedience. Which is what this whole thing is about.