Also though, I have an amazing and adorably sweet boyfriend who I love. And he makes me really happy.
So... life's not all bad. ;)
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Can I just be honest
I have to say, I love Ethnos. I really do.
But lately, I am just burnt out on the church. I look at my schedule every week and it is full of church commitments. Things that I do out of obligation and because of pressure and not because I love my community or I love Jesus or I want to serve. I am surprised at how bad my attitude has gotten. I want to fix it, but I don't know how.
The key word in all of this is pressure. Sometimes church just feels like an unrelenting burden that I carry around. I do things because I have to do them. Because if I don't do them then I am not fulfilling my role in this community.
So I started slowly dropping things and hoping it would make me feel a little better, when I was less busy and less stressed. No sacred space; no coming early on Sundays anymore. For a while I couldn't go to community group because of school. I missed it, and I came back. But still, there is this restlessness and stress that follows me everywhere, poisons my attitude and makes me not want to do the other things I have committed to doing. Girl's night on Monday night. Meeting with my mentor. Community group. Sacred space. Hermeneutics, Sunday Gatherings. Not to mention all the informal gatherings and stuff that I participate in. All of these things to do. And not that I hate any one thing, but the combination was so overwhelming. I feel like I am always "on", that I am always trying to fulfill all the "ministry opportunities" I'm being asked to participate in. And there is the constant push for more. Talk to more people. Welcome coffees. Children's ministry. If you're not doing these things, you should, because by not doing them you are being disobedient and you're directly responsible for the financial failure of the church.
I'm just saying. I know I have a horrible attitude. I am fully aware of how bad it really is. I'm just saying, this is how I feel.
The worst part is, despite doing all of these things, despite being surrounded by a community that loves me and wants to invest me, and who I am constantly spending time with, I still feel alone. I still feel like I'm waiting to be trained and invested in. And I don't mean that to accuse anyone or make anyone feel bad. Really. I just feel isolated. And I don't know why.
Sometimes, my parents tell me about the training they got when they were my age and in college, and I am so jealous. I wish someone would teach me like that. I wish I knew how to study the Bible and draw closer to God. I would go so far as to say that I don't just want these things, I desperately need them and I feel like I'm drowning without them. How do I keep doing ministry when I am this discouraged and when I don't feel like I am growing? I just want to quit everything.
Sometimes, on days when my attitude is particularly bad, I wonder why I don't want to do my part. I try to push myself to get over it and then end up resenting my commitments and myself for not following through or taking up my cross. I wish I didn't have this horrible attitude, but I don't know what to do. I pray that my heart will change but week to week I am more distracted and discouraged.
I wonder sometimes if I have what it takes to be part of a church plant like Ethnos. I don't know if I do. Seriously.
But lately, I am just burnt out on the church. I look at my schedule every week and it is full of church commitments. Things that I do out of obligation and because of pressure and not because I love my community or I love Jesus or I want to serve. I am surprised at how bad my attitude has gotten. I want to fix it, but I don't know how.
The key word in all of this is pressure. Sometimes church just feels like an unrelenting burden that I carry around. I do things because I have to do them. Because if I don't do them then I am not fulfilling my role in this community.
So I started slowly dropping things and hoping it would make me feel a little better, when I was less busy and less stressed. No sacred space; no coming early on Sundays anymore. For a while I couldn't go to community group because of school. I missed it, and I came back. But still, there is this restlessness and stress that follows me everywhere, poisons my attitude and makes me not want to do the other things I have committed to doing. Girl's night on Monday night. Meeting with my mentor. Community group. Sacred space. Hermeneutics, Sunday Gatherings. Not to mention all the informal gatherings and stuff that I participate in. All of these things to do. And not that I hate any one thing, but the combination was so overwhelming. I feel like I am always "on", that I am always trying to fulfill all the "ministry opportunities" I'm being asked to participate in. And there is the constant push for more. Talk to more people. Welcome coffees. Children's ministry. If you're not doing these things, you should, because by not doing them you are being disobedient and you're directly responsible for the financial failure of the church.
I'm just saying. I know I have a horrible attitude. I am fully aware of how bad it really is. I'm just saying, this is how I feel.
The worst part is, despite doing all of these things, despite being surrounded by a community that loves me and wants to invest me, and who I am constantly spending time with, I still feel alone. I still feel like I'm waiting to be trained and invested in. And I don't mean that to accuse anyone or make anyone feel bad. Really. I just feel isolated. And I don't know why.
Sometimes, my parents tell me about the training they got when they were my age and in college, and I am so jealous. I wish someone would teach me like that. I wish I knew how to study the Bible and draw closer to God. I would go so far as to say that I don't just want these things, I desperately need them and I feel like I'm drowning without them. How do I keep doing ministry when I am this discouraged and when I don't feel like I am growing? I just want to quit everything.
Sometimes, on days when my attitude is particularly bad, I wonder why I don't want to do my part. I try to push myself to get over it and then end up resenting my commitments and myself for not following through or taking up my cross. I wish I didn't have this horrible attitude, but I don't know what to do. I pray that my heart will change but week to week I am more distracted and discouraged.
I wonder sometimes if I have what it takes to be part of a church plant like Ethnos. I don't know if I do. Seriously.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
New term, new classes. I did pretty well last term (despite my fears and the nagging suspicion I might barely squeeze by in sound production). Suffice it to say that I am on track to reach my GPA goal (so far). I have some pretty sweet classes this term: Psychology and Editing, which I'm excited about.
Other than that, life is full of a lot of work and a lot of random commitments (sp?). Work is going really well... in fact, I have my 6-month review tomorrow, which I've been looking forward to, because it means I get a formal evaluation and a performance-based raise (YAY). It might sound funny, but I'm actually looking forward to the evaluation part of it, too. I want to know how I'm doing and what I can do better. I like my job, and I think I do it pretty well, but there are always ways to improve... and I like setting goals and feeling like I am reaching them. I don't know how temporary my position is (it's treating me well; I might stay at Starbucks for a while), but I think people are generally happier when they have a good attitude about their job, take pride in what they do, and do it to the best of their ability. So even if I end up leaving in another 6 months, I still want to be knowledgeable and friendly and just good at what I do for as long as I do it. It may not really be that important in the grand scheme of things, but it makes me happy.
The other thing I've been trying to do lately is get more organized, especially with my finances and stuff like that. I decided to start repaying my loans now, since I have a lot of disposable income and it would be really easy for me to just blow through this phase and waste money on random crap. That's usually what I would do. So I am trying to make more responsible long-term choices like paying off my loans, building credit, saving for retirement, planning/sticking to a budget, and trying to put money into savings. We'll see how all of this goes. It is not easy for me to think long-term about things like finances, so this is a big (but necessary) learning experience for me.
Anyway... this blog was probably boring but... oh well, I wasn't sleepy, so I just needed to bore myself a little.
Other than that, life is full of a lot of work and a lot of random commitments (sp?). Work is going really well... in fact, I have my 6-month review tomorrow, which I've been looking forward to, because it means I get a formal evaluation and a performance-based raise (YAY). It might sound funny, but I'm actually looking forward to the evaluation part of it, too. I want to know how I'm doing and what I can do better. I like my job, and I think I do it pretty well, but there are always ways to improve... and I like setting goals and feeling like I am reaching them. I don't know how temporary my position is (it's treating me well; I might stay at Starbucks for a while), but I think people are generally happier when they have a good attitude about their job, take pride in what they do, and do it to the best of their ability. So even if I end up leaving in another 6 months, I still want to be knowledgeable and friendly and just good at what I do for as long as I do it. It may not really be that important in the grand scheme of things, but it makes me happy.
The other thing I've been trying to do lately is get more organized, especially with my finances and stuff like that. I decided to start repaying my loans now, since I have a lot of disposable income and it would be really easy for me to just blow through this phase and waste money on random crap. That's usually what I would do. So I am trying to make more responsible long-term choices like paying off my loans, building credit, saving for retirement, planning/sticking to a budget, and trying to put money into savings. We'll see how all of this goes. It is not easy for me to think long-term about things like finances, so this is a big (but necessary) learning experience for me.
Anyway... this blog was probably boring but... oh well, I wasn't sleepy, so I just needed to bore myself a little.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
I hate life
I feel horrible.
Today has seriously been the worst day that I can remember having in a long time. I can't decide if I want to scream or cry or punch someone or throw up or just sleep away the rest of the week. Probably all of those things.
Unfortunately for me I have over 2 hours left of my shift...
...I wish I could just skip the rest of the day.
...ugh.
:(
Today has seriously been the worst day that I can remember having in a long time. I can't decide if I want to scream or cry or punch someone or throw up or just sleep away the rest of the week. Probably all of those things.
Unfortunately for me I have over 2 hours left of my shift...
...I wish I could just skip the rest of the day.
...ugh.
:(
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