How to win friends and influence people

First of all, let me say thank you to whatever readers have clung through the last several months of this blog. I know it has been drier than the Mojave around here, and unfortunately, like a great many things, that is due to how sick I have been. It is hard to keep up with el blog when my brain feels like it is in a constant fog (yes, the rhyme was intentional). Luckily for all of us, I have finally perked up a bit and regained the ability to form a whole sentence. Which means I hope to be blogging a bit more frequently and coherently in the future.

The past few months have been full of a lot of change for our family, but we are getting rooted in this new stage of life. Recently I have been reminded to seize the opportunity to invest in my husband, daughter, and other new relationships that are beginning to bloom.

Since having Kisa and quitting work, I have watched my social circle shrink dramatically. I no longer connect very often with old friends from school or work and the time I spend with my family takes up such a large portion of my days that it has been easy to call that enough. However, since leaving Ethnos, I have realized that the social network I have had may also begin to deteriorate as friends move on to new ministries with their families.

In short, it's time to get out there and make some friends!

Making new friends has always been a bit of a struggle for me. I, like most people I know, have my share of insecurities. Add to that a sprinkle of shyness and my overwhelming tendency to shove my foot in my mouth (thanks Dad- I'm convinced it's genetic), and you have a great recipe for social anxiety. When I was younger I really let this control my interactions with those around me. As I have grown, I am beginning to realize that I am not the only one who feels this way. I'm not the only person who wonders if the people they like really like them back. I'm not the only person who is too shy to ask a new friend out for coffee or a playdate. I'm not even the only person who walks away from conversations kicking themselves over saying something totally and completely idiotic.

At one of the churches Matt and I have visited recently, we had the privilege of experiencing an appointment of new deacons for the church. They had men and women who were being acknowledged in leadership positions come forward and share why they were being called to that position. One of these people in particular shared something that really touched my heart, and I have been pondering it ever since. This man was being appointed as the deacon of "hospitality", but he described himself as a very guarded, shy introvert. I thought that was strange, but he went on to explain that throughout his life he had always felt like he was on the "fringe" and didn't quite know how to fit in or make friends. As he and his wife began attending church, he got plugged into their community and realized that his shyness had been a gift. He understands more that anyone else what it feels like to be sitting alone in a pew wondering how to reach out to others. He wasn't intimidated by people who were quiet or withdrawn. In fact, he knew how to speak to them and include them without belittling who they were in Christ or forcing them to be the extroverts they were not.

I walked away from that service thinking that this was a cool story, a unique story, and it could easily be my story if I could muster the courage to obey God's call to community in a way I hadn't before.

So, I have started to put myself out there. I have tried not to worry about what people are thinking of me. I have invited, welcomed, complimented and encouraged people where I otherwise wouldn't for fear they would see me as desperate, clingy, or fake. It sounds idiotic when I write it, but it has been a fear of mine that by pursuing friendships with others, I would seem needy.

The biggest hurdle has been to try to relieve myself of guilt for the stupid things I sometimes say. I am an intelligent woman, but my tongue usually has a head start on my brain, and, like I said earlier, I spend a lot of time with my foot in my mouth. That used to deter me from forming close relationships with people. But what I have learned lately is that people are far more gracious than I have given them credit for. If I have the humility to apologize and laugh at myself from time to time, my friends have been kind and forgiving when what I've said has been hurtful or offensive. Thank God for that, because taming my tongue will be a lifelong struggle. I heard a preacher once say that a witty tongue is not a gift but a curse, and I could not agree more.

Anyway, my goal as always is to be real and open with everyone I meet. Hopefully I can be as free with my encouragement as I am with my cynicism, and pick myself up when I stumble.

Thanks for reading!

(Oh, and for those of you who are wondering, no, I'm not reading the book.)