something pretty cool

My aunt, who is both incredibly cool and an art curriculum coordinator in Washington (those two, in my mind, are related) sent me a link to this website today: http://www.chrisjordan.com/

I think this artist is fascinating. I especially liked E. Pluribus Unum and Running the Numbers. I probably spent a good half hour looking at all of the pieces and thinking about what they mean.

Baby!

Even though Matt already gave his whole rundown of our first doctor's visit, I am still going to do the same. I don't think I could possibly forget it, but I want to be sure I have a record of it.
I had been equal parts excited about and dreading our first OB visit. They had to reschedule me once and because of that our appointment wasn't with our regular doctor-- who I haven't even met yet. As it is they just BARELY squeezed me in before the end of the first trimester. (According to yesterday's ultrasound we are pretty much at twelve weeks today or tomorrow.)
Anyway, the lady who we DID meet with was really nice and totally put me at ease. She was a nurse midwife, not an OB, but I liked her and I hope that our doctor is as good. I was REALLY anxious about all of the tests I would have to take, and I cried a little bit in the morning thinking about it. But it turned out not to be bad at all. I HATE getting my blood drawn more than anything, and yesterday I had to get blood drawn out of BOTH of my arms (I wish they would have technology powerful enough that they would only need a drop of blood for each test, or, better yet, a drop of blood on which they could perform all four tests). And maybe it was just me, but the vials seemed huge and never ending. Luckily Matt was there for moral support, so I put on a brave face to impress him. :)
Seriously though, all of the awkward and painful stuff was nothing even hearing the baby's heartbeat, which was incredible. It only took her a second to find and I was so excited I couldn't stop giggling... it took a long time for me to sit still enough to get a clear reading of it. Baby hearts beat so fast! And thank God there was only one heartbeat and not THREE like Dave had me worrying about.
We were all set to leave after that, but somebody had canceled their ultrasound appointment so they squeezed us in at the last minute. Women have complained to me about ultrasounds before and I seriously don't get it. This was the coolest thing I have ever done in my life. If I could be getting an ultrasound right now I would be. If I could buy an ultrasound MACHINE and set it up in my living room and look at my baby all day I would do it. It was just that cool.
We only brought home a couple of pictures, but we got to see a lot more in the doctor's office. We saw both hands and feet, the legs, the tummy, the tiny bladder, the skull, the umbilical cord (they even do this thing where they can show you the blood pumping through the umbilical cord to the baby-- that is way cool) and then they zoom out and show you how big it is in comparison to the rest of you, and it is TINY.

I don't think I can really accurately describe how amazing it is to see or hear your child for the first time. I was prepared for it, and had been told by everyone how great it would be, but it still brought up new feelings for me. I'm not sure if I could put them into words, but I'll try. I newly reconsidered, and for the first time really understood, the concept that I am sharing my body and that the things I do affect my baby-- what I eat, drink, and how I exercise. It is easy, especially as early as I am and with all the crazy symptoms I have been experiencing, to get caught up in how I feel and how all this is affecting me. This was the first time I truly got beyond myself a bit. Another thing that was weird is that seeing your baby up on an ultrasound screen, or hearing their little heartbeat, is really your first reassurance that they're in there. And it connects you with them. And then I went home and was looking at the ultrasound pictures, and thinking how ironic that my baby has been here all along, and is closer than the picture I am holding in my hand, and yet this is the first time I really feel close to him or her. And even though he or she is right here with me all of the time I still feel like they are so far away because I can't see or hear or feel them.
I don't know how to describe it, I know all the other moms will read this and get what I am saying, and maybe the dads too, but it is an incredible feeling.

Anyway, I really have to start getting ready for work now or I'm going to be late.

additionally,

I have been engrossed in Anna Karenina for about a month now (the upside of reading a 750+ page book is that it lasts a long time) and I am not only loving it, but wishing everyone else in the world was reading it too, so we could all discuss the excellence. Tolstoy is an incredible writer. He writes about the experiences common to man-- love, marriage, death, birth, work, family, art-- in a way that is so descriptive that you feel almost as though he is looking into your brain and writing the things you have felt and dreamed. Then there is the beautiful realization that we all hold these things in common, and your eyes are opened to the fact that what you thought was uniquely your own has been shared throughout time, cultural boundaries, and even gender.
The characters, too, are woven together quite seamlessly, and even though I don't approve of some of their choices, I can't help but like them and be interested in their stories. There is no villian, just a lot of broken and complex people, and he takes the time to develop them well. It's fascinating.
This is the second Russian novel I have read (the other being Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment) and it's not difficult to see why these authors were so highly praised... they seem to take more interest in the smallest details than any other author I have had the pleasure of reading. I have already put The Brothers Karamazov and War and Peace on my to-read list.
It can be hard to find a good book, and I really love fine literature, it makes my brain come alive and makes me want to write essays and dissertations.
I know, I'm a nerd.
Has anyone else out there read this book?

some more thoughts about babies... which is all I blog about now

I'm sure nobody in the world finds this information as fascinating as I do, not even Matt, but every Monday I have been reading about the growth of my little baby. This week happens to be the final week of my first trimester, which I am thrilled about for a whole host of reasons. I've been feeling a little bit better, (or perhaps I've just had a better attitude about feeling nauseous, I'm not sure) a lot of the dangers have passed, I should be getting my energy back, and we're going to the doctor this week! So there is a lot to be excited about.
Anyway, by now my baby has hair follicles and ears, he/she is legitimately a boy or girl (even though we can't tell which one yet), and is the size of a plum (which seems pretty huge after measuring in olives and raspberries for the past two months).

One thing I have been really thankful for lately is that I have noticed my attitude has changed a bit toward the world, toward pregnancy and toward parenting. I tend to be anxious, or I have been in recent years. I'm not sure if this worrying is a personality trait of mine or if it was a response to the extreme stress I went through in the past four or five years. But, it was significant enough to color some of the decisions I made. In fact, one of my main reasons for being so opposed to having children was the fears I had about how my children would grow up. Would they be born healthy, would I raise them right, would they have emotional troubles like I have experienced with my family? I have watched my parents go through a great deal of suffering on my and my siblings' behalf and I have never been envious to repeat that myself. I have worried about every possible thing a parent could worry about- kidnapping, drugs, SIDS, birth defects, mental illness, you name it. This was all happening before we were even pregnant, and put weight on my decision to never have kids, or at least prevent having them as long as I possibly could. Which turned out to be about four months.
Anyway, what I have noticed over the past couple of months is that I have been more at ease about this than about many of the things that have happened in the past several years of my life. There are so many things to be worried about, and yet, for the most part, I have not been worried. I am very thankful for that, because if I were to follow my usual pattern in this, I would probably be constantly beside myself. I have a very strong sense of God's control of this situation (something I have rarely been aware of in the past) and I believe that all will go well for us. I think we will have a healthy baby, and I know that we will be both be good parents.
That's not to say I am not occasionally overwhelmed, I'm just saying that in general, I feel confident about the future.

some names I have crossed off my list

I have always liked having an "original" name... not a lot of people in the states have the name Ciara, or, if they do, they don't spell it and/or pronounce it the same way. I like feeling unique and even though I know there are more people with the same name out there, I don't run into them often and that makes me feel good. Which is why I want to give my kid a name just unique enough that they won't be sitting in class with 4 other kids of the same name.
That being said, I am working by process of elimination, and have decided not to name him/her any of the following, because they are the most popular baby names of 2007:

For boys:
Jacob
Michael
Ethan
Joshua
Daniel
Christopher
Anthony
William
Matthew
Andrew

For girls:
Emily
Isabella
Emma
Ava
Madison
Sophia
Olivia
Abigail
Hannah
Elizabeth

I have to admit I am a little surprised at some of the names that are in the top ten... Ava and Madison? I had thought those were a little more rare.

and then i woke up

I just had a dream that Matt and I went to Disney World, and I rode on all the roller coasters because I wasn't pregnant (or maybe I just didn't care-- I don't know). And I had a martini and ate like twelve cupcakes, all of which were free.

babies are spendy!

So I have been doing a bit of research on my insurance coverage and I have to say I am finding it less than satisfactory. Of course when I enrolled I chose the cheapest health care because I am young and healthy... well, that backfired.
A coworker told me that her brother and sister-in-law just finished paying off their medical bills from their baby (he is now two). That freaked me out a little. I'm pretty sure Matt and I will be able to pay cash for our little one... (that makes it sound like we are buying the thing on ebay) but that all just depends. I mean, that's assuming a totally healthy pregnancy and no C-section and all that. (Which I am assuming, if not for financial reasons, then for the sake of my sanity.)
I am just trying to keep my chin up and not get too depressed about any one thing. I know babies are a blessing, and I really do feel that way, but there are a lot of bumps in the road ahead and if I choose to think about them all at once it can get quite overwhelming.
On a happier note, Matt and I get to go to the doctor next week for the first time and I am really hoping that we get to hear (or see) our baby's heartbeat! As of this week the little guy (or girl-- it already knows even though we don't) has elbows and the beginnings of knees, ankles, and teeny baby teeth.

And now for something completely different... Matt and I got to go to the Blazers game last night and even though I am not a fan of basketball I totally loved it! It's been a while since I have been to a sporting event and I'd forgotten how fun it is to cheer for your team. Plus, it was just a cool game to watch; it was close until the very end and we ended up winning by only one point in the last 30 seconds. Yay Portland!

So it starts...

Well, so much for my big accomplishment of last year (losing 25-30lbs). I can already feel myself getting bigger. Unfortunately for me, I carry weight in my tummy anyway, so I didn't need to add very much to get a visible bump. It sucks.
I already hit the jeans-won't-button mark and you can't even imagine how many tears have been shed over that fiasco. I did what every good weight watchers member would do and got rid of all my "fat" clothes when I lost weight, so I have very few things that fit/look good (I bought a lot of figure hugging clothes which are no longer fun to look at).
I am finding it very difficult to emotionally surrender to the changes taking place in my body. I remember talking to pregnant friends and thinking it was silly for them to complain about being "fat"... I mean, they were pregnant, and looked pregnant; it doesn't look the same as if you spent the last couple months overeating. But now that it's me, I feel pretty depressed about the whole deal. One friend I have likes to point out my "baby bump" and keeps asking me if I'm showing because, according to her, it looks like I'm showing. I love this friend dearly, but part of me wants to still be friends with her when she gets prego so I can be the first to tell her how fat she looks. I mean, really, how oblivious can you be? There is no other time in life when it's okay to point out someone else's fat tummy but now that you're prego it's okay to comment on the size and the shape? Plus, what do I say because at this point it probably really isn't baby... it's more all the cheese and salty things baby makes me eat. Anyway, it's frustrating and I know it's inevitable and I know everyone means well but I really don't want to gain back the 30+ pounds I just lost. Especially not this soon.
My mom and sister and I went shopping last night for some clothes to wear in the meantime (since I am not big enough for maternity clothes yet). I figured I will need some bigger clothes when I am in the process of losing weight next year. Plus, one of Matt's friends who recently had a baby showed me these cool things called belly bands that keep your pants up if they are too big/small and unbuttoned. So I got a couple of those to help me transition.

And now onto another topic entirely... I didn't know how to make resolutions this year. I'm sure if I were to look at my resolutions from last year they would all be totally irrelevant. At this time last year I was not even engaged. Well, this year I have even less of an idea of where life is headed and the common ones (lose weight, get a new job or go back to school, etc) don't really apply. So I made two resolutions, and these are them: 1) to pray for my husband and baby every day and 2)to read to my baby in utero. For now that is all I can think of.

Grammar nerds Unite!

My friend Matt (not to be confused with my husband) bought me a book called Eats, Shoots & Leaves for Christmas... and since I know there are a few grammar nerds out there who would appreciate this book, I'm posting part of introduction to intrigue you:
Either this will ring bells for you, or it won't. A printed banner has appeared on the concourse of a petrol station near where I live. 'Come inside,' it says, 'for CD's, VIDEO's, DVD's, and BOOK's.'
If this satanic sprinkling of redundant apostrophes causes no little gasp of horror or quickening of the pulse, you should probably put down this book at once....For any true stickler, you see, the sight of the plural word "Book's" with an apostrophe in it will trigger a ghastly private emotional process similar to the stages of bereavement, though greatly accelerated. First there is shock. Within seconds, shock gives way to disbelief, disbelief to pain, and pain to anger. Finally (and this is where the analogy breaks down), anger gives way to a righteous urge to perpetrate an act of criminal damage with the aid of a permanent marker.

I will loan this book out when I have finished, Ashby, if you are interested. ;)