some things I want to get done today:

-brainstorm some ideas for my final script and email them to Jackie
-write a 5-page and 7-page first draft for scriptwriting
-finish studying the JVC300 manual for my certification test
-finish the rest of the text for sound production
-run 5 miles
-email Kristin

and maybe, possibly hang out with my dad and brother if I get everything else done (I don't think that's going to happen, though).

So, February is almost over.
Almost.


And on an unrelated note, does anyone want to help me shoot a short film?
...anyone? I'm guessing no, but it would be wonderful if someone did.

We're starting a bowling team. We being my buddies at Starbucks.


I am stoked.

Oh man. I seriously just want to cry. I am too tired to deal with my life right now.

My brother moved back home today, and I am scared. I think bad things are probably going to happen now that he is around. I am just exhausted by the drama he brings into our house. I wish I could escape everything. I wish I were pretty much anywhere but here right now.
I hate feeling helpless, I hate feeling compromised, I hate a lot of things that I wish I didn't hate, and no matter how hard I try, there are really no words to describe the depth of my disappointment, confusion, whatever. I don't know. There are no words. None.
I had this weird thought today, when I was driving my dad's car back from the apartment. This was only the second time I have driven his car. The only other time he allowed me to was once when Daniel was in the hospital. So, it reminded me of that week. We went to the olive garden for dinner because it was right by the hospital. I hadn't slept. None of us had. And I ordered a meal that I never took a bite of. And we all kind of sat there staring at each other and being devastated.
The thing is, when everything falls apart so visibly, you are free to grieve, to fall apart, to be comforted, to be confused and anxious and disoriented and sit there doing absolutely nothing. But what happens when things fall apart quietly, piece by piece, until you can't even point to a moment when it all went wrong because the moments just surround you and box you in? What are you supposed to do then?
It feels just like grief. Like I want to lie in bed and stare at my ceiling and not think because it hurts.

I have no idea how to get through this.

WHAT?!

It is awesome that Izzie took a power drill to a guy's skull and somehow saved his life.
But... Meredith can't really die... can she?

I'm just saying. It's not Grey's Anatomy without Dr. Grey.

(I have a life outside of TV. I swear.)

The Happiest Place on Earth

Some things are just too awesome not to share. That picture being one of them.


Anyway, on Tuesday I got back from my trip to Cali. I spent a day at Disneyland, which, as well all know, is the greatest place in the entire world. Other than that, the trip did not have a whole lot of highlights. There were some tears on my part when I had to say goodbye to my best friend (she is going to Australia for a million years). There were also some other low points that I can only really describe as typical freshman in college scenarios. Not that we are freshmen... but, um... yeah. I'll just leave it at that.
Soooo, since everyone loves to be forced to look at other peoples' vacation photos, I figured I would privelege you with some of mine. They are dandy. (Yeah, I just said dandy.)


The Star Tours ride is about 82% of the reason I went to California in the first place. There is nothing quite as satisfying as riding in a space ship and blowing up the death star. Unfortunately, Andy was the only one cool enough to do this ride with me... Jon and Kristin were too busy making out on some roller coaster... or something.


Pirates! They added Captain Jack to the ride, and he is eerily life-like. Unfortunately you can't take pictures during the ride, or I would have, and just told everyone that I had met Johnny Depp. That's how real he looked.


This was when we were waiting in line for Mr. Toad's wild ride... which I wasn't too thrilled about, for obvious reasons. And if you are wondering... we are twirling our mustaches.



I was pretty excited about the artifacts on the Indiana Jones ride. Brianna was pretty excited about groping me.



Also, I suck at the Buzz Lightyear ride. We found this out and I cried from sheer disappointment and embarassment. This picture was taken before the tears, though.


This is my favorite picture from our whole trip... but it makes me miss Kristin, and Jon. AUSTRALIA IS FAR AWAY. AND FOUR MONTHS IS A LONG TIME.

COME HOME!!!

AHHHHHH.

Why is Pam with Roy?
Stupid Pam.

newport beach makes my heart ache

It feels so distant that it could almost be another lifetime; I stood on this pier with a different future and different dreams spread out before me. Different relationships with their own sets of strengths and their own weaknesses.
But there is beauty in the changing of the tide; in the push and pull of life. There is strength both in stepping forward and in taking a moment to look back. In the end, there is good, no matter how much pain it takes to reach it.
So far, that is all I know for sure.

I'm leaving

Well, despite what can only be described as a 4-day long asthma attack, I'm off to LA tomorrow. I'm a little nervous because my parents are gone on the elders' retreat, so if something goes wrong with my flight, or I mess anything up in any way, there will be no one around to bail me out. Hopefully I don't screw up and miss my flight, or lose my baggage, or lose my boarding pass, or accidentally pack a pocket knife in a carry-on, or get kidnapped, or somehow get on the wrong plane and accidentally fly myself to timbuktu.... then again, you never know...
Oh! I hope I don't get airsick. I didn't even think about that... but it is the most likely. :(
Anyway. I'm looking forward to getting away for a while and hanging out with Brianna and Andy (I haven't seen them in months) and my cousin Connor. Looking forward to a little Disneyland, a little sunny weather, the beach, In & Out burger, getting a crazy piercing or two... you know. All the fun stuff. ;)
However-- I'm really NOT looking forward to saying goodbye to Kristin. That part will suck.

I think I'm pretty excited, though. It's hard to know if I'm antsy because of excitement or because I'm still all drugged up and not getting enough oxygen. Only time will tell...

i feel horrible

So I am sick and I feel AWFUL. Every part of my body hurts. I tried sleeping it off but every time I sleep I wake up feeling even worse. Plus my asthma is trying to strangle me in my sleep. Literally. I kept waking up realizing I'd stopped breathing.
If I have ever felt this sick before in my life, I don't remember it. No matter what I just keep feeling worse and worse.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh I hate life!!!
I seriously feel like I might die.

yuck

perspective

Lately, my parents and I have been having some really honest and encouraging conversations... I am glad that I have two very strong role models right at my fingertips so that I can constantly soak up their wisdom. They are pretty impressive people.
Anyway, I really like talking to my mom about the Bible because she knows so much scripture. You can seriously ask her questions almost like you'd look things up in a concordance or topical bible. She's that knowledgeable. I am glad, because I'm not there yet.

We had this amazing conversation yesterday about the stories in the Old Testament. I have been trying to immerse myself in scripture. (Okay, I'm not going to say that I've been trying it so much as that it's become absolutely crucial. If I didn't have the word to encourage me, I would be completely falling apart. So it's not a concious choice so much as a gut reaction.... sometimes I don't get the whole concept until it's thrown at me quite painfully. This being one of those times.)
Anyway. My mom and I were talking about the story of Hagar, which is one I read at the beginning of January, but was so touched by that I have prayed for her attitude almost every day since then. I was sharing all this with my mom and she said it was something I should blog about. So... here I am.
If you don't know the story of Hagar, you can look it up in Genesis 16 and Genesis 21. But here is the gist: Abraham is promised a son, but his wife (Sarah) is old and doesn't trust God that it will happen. So she tells Abraham to sleep with her maid, Hagar. Hagar gets pregnant, and Sarah is insanely jealous, and punishes Hagar so cruelly that she flees out into the desert.
Which is where this happens:
The angel of the LORD found her by a spring of water in the wilderness, the spring on the way to Shur. And he said, "Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from and where are you going?" She said, "I am fleeing from my mistress Sarai." The angel of the LORD said to her, "Return to your mistress and submit to her." The angel of the LORD also said to her, "I will surely multiply your offspring so that they cannot be numbered for multitude." And the angel of the LORD said to her,

"Behold, you are pregnant
and shall bear a son.
You shall call his name Ishmael,
because the LORD has listened to your affliction.
He shall be a wild donkey of a man,
his hand against everyone
and everyone's hand against him,
and he shall dwell over against all his kinsmen."

So she called the name of the LORD who spoke to her, "You are a God of seeing," for she said, "Truly here I have seen him who looks after me."

There is something about this that just blows me away. First of all, the position that Hagar is in is one that is too horrible for me to imagine. She is a servant. She has a son by a man she doesn't even seem to like. Her mistress treats her so badly that she would rather run away into the desert than endure another day with her. She is at the end of her rope, completely alone, when she comes before God.
Now, the way that God treats Hagar throughout her life confuses me. It is something I don't pretend to understand, the way that he allows her to suffer. He listens to her complaints. He feels her pain. Then he says, "Return to your mistress and submit to her."
Even the blessings he promises to her are bittersweet. She will have a son, and her son will be blessed (there is more of this in chapter 21, which I will get to). But he will also be an obnoxious jerk. And Hagar herself does not get a blessing. She gets to go back and endure the unendurable for the sake of the glory of God.
But, what touched me when I read it was the way that she reacted. It's praise. She is satisfied and complete just knowing that God had heard her, even though he did nothing to alleviate her pain. He didn't even give her an explanation for the pain she felt. He just said, "I hear you, now obey me." And she said, "Praise God, I will obey."
That interaction caught my attention because it's hard to accept that from God. I feel like if he knows I am in pain and praying for comfort he should do something about it. If he doesn't, he must not have heard me. Because how can a good God hear your cries of pain, understand them, and then tell you to go back, grit your teeth, and bear it? Without any explanation or hope of change?
The thing about this story is, it gets better. Or worse, if you're Hagar. Eventually (chapter 21) Sarah DOES get pregnant, and then she becomes even MORE jealous. She insists that Hagar and Ishmael have got to go. And God tells Abraham to honor his wife. So Abraham sends them out into the desert, and Hagar is wandering around desperate AGAIN.
When the water in the skin was gone, she put the child under one of the bushes. Then she went and sat down opposite him a good way off, about the distance of a bowshot, for she said, "Let me not look on the death of the child." And as she sat opposite him, she lifted up her voice and wept. And God heard the voice of the boy, and the angel of God called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, "What troubles you, Hagar? Fear not, for God has heard the voice of the boy where he is. Up! Lift up the boy, and hold him fast with your hand, for I will make him into a great nation." Then God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water. And she went and filled the skin with water and gave the boy a drink. And God was with the boy, and he grew up.
Yet again her attitude amazes me. Because even when she is on the brink of utter defeat, God calls her back and says, "I have big plans for this boy, so you've got to trust me on this." Again, it couldn't be clearer that this story is not about her. It's not about her being happy or blessed. It's about her being obedient for the greater glory of God. And she IS obedient, without questioning God about her pain. He heard her, and that is all she needs to endure.

...How crazy is that? I have been turning this over in my mind every day, praying for that same attitude, and praying for enough faith and wisdom not to question God about the role my pain has in his greater glory. I don't need to understand it. I need to trust and be obedient. I know that God hears me. He is a God who hears. And even if he doesn't change anything, I know he understands the pain that I am going through. I want that to satisfy me enough that I can leave my doubts behind and just OBEY.

Anyway, I thought I would share that. I have had a very humbling week, and it draws to mind my need for faith and, most of all, obedience. Which is what this whole thing is about.