I apologize for not deleting those comments earlier.
I'm not really sure what to say. I wish I knew the wise/proper response to what has been said, but I don't. I am at a loss. I know we have all made poor choices and that a lot of people have been hurt. I have taken ownership of my mistakes and apologized for them. I have done what I can to repair the damage that has been done. I don't think it is right to publicly air private grievances.
It makes me sad, thinking about what we just talked about on Sunday... how slander can be such a destructive force. All I know is, it is not going to take place on my blog.
So, without disclosing anything more than what is absolutely necessary, I would like to make it clear that slander is not going to be tolerated here. And if there are any further inappropriate comments, they will be promptly deleted.

Do you think I'm beautiful?

"When I let myself search for the truth of my heart, underneath all the learned behaviors and coping techniques is a woman-- make that a little girl inside the body of a woman-- who wants to grow up and be beautiful one day too.
Maybe there is a design flaw. Maybe I shouldn't have been made with these longings that cannot be realized. When I think about beauty, I picture Cindy Crawford and immediately tell myself to shut up. When I listen to my heart's ache to be known, it only makes me insecure and afraid. To think about beauty and then think about my flabby everything gives me pain. It just seems better not to go there. Avoid this one. Smile a lot and act happy.
And so I have learned to pretend. (Besides, most of the women I know are pretending too.) Pretend that I have a handle on body image. Pretend that I am strong and sure. Pretend that I don't long to be held and protected in the deepest places of my soul. Pretend that I don't long for more than the world says I can have or more than marriage has to offer. Pretend that it doesn't really matter if I am known or if I am beautiful.
I am not alone in my pretending or my longing. All you have to do is walk into a room of women and look into their eyes, each one desiring to be known as beautiful. Some almost ask, "do you think I'm beautiful?" out loud and some have learned to never ask it again.
When no one notices, we learn to pretend that it doesn't matter. But, Lord knows, it matters. It matters in your soul and it matters in the way you wake up every morning and step into life.
Maybe no one has ever really noticed you either. And you've learned to pretend that it's okay. IT'S NOT OKAY. You were made to be seen and known and loved deeply. And it's okay to want what you were made for.
...I am realizing that the feminine design, my design, is both mysterious and complex. And yet, the design is completely God's idea. ...I am supposed to have a passionnate heart that does not have to be squelched. I am supposed to yearn for beauty and long to be known deeply. I came wired like this. Every woman I know came with very similar questions and desires.
...When life comes undone, when pretending is not an option anymore, when everything has fallen apart and fallen away, amazingly, it all becomes very simple. When no one can do anything to help and there isn't a straw left to grasp or a mask left to hide behind, God gets to move center stage. He has our undivided attention. The questions that we've held out to everyone remain, but there is no one to answer them except Him.
In that place, I finally came to see that the questions are rightfully mine, but the answers that truly fill and give strength will come only from God. It is so okay for my soul and yours to scream Do You think I'm beautiful? and there is a transformation happening as I listen to God tell me, resoundingly, yes.
The beauty that I desire is not really about body image. (Okay, it's a little about body image. Shoot, some days it feels like my quest for beauty is ALL about body image.) But the deeper beauty I long for is about complete acceptance.
God, do You see me flawed and sinful and still call me beautiful? Do You see the loneliness? Do You see me struggle? Do You see the unmet desires of my heart? Do You see me trying to manipulate and control? Do You see me yearn for the things I can't have? Do You see me cry for time that is lost and the life I will not know? God, do You see me in all this mess and still think I'm beautiful?"
-Angela Thomas

(I can't really add to this.)

exciting

Today is my last day of winter term! I've got two projects due (a sound edit/animatic and my script portfolio).
I'm really ready for a break... I mean, really, really ready. So hopefully all goes well, and I manage to not screw this up too badly.
Yay for spring break!

finally!

Today, finally, after 4 weeks of the most horrific and frustrating writer's block I have ever experienced, I found a plot for my script. Something that might actually work instead of just ten pages of useless junk (like what I have been spitting out lately).
So, I have a few hours to get a rough draft of this thing. I have somewhere between 3 and 5 pages left to write, maybe more. Depending on what I rework.
What a relief. The hard part-- finding an idea that works-- is pretty much over. I can write dialogue like nobody's business (even if it is OTN-- I don't care). So anyway, here goes...

I am tired. I don't know if I am tired physically, or emotionally, or both. I just don't feel that great. I don't know.
Pray for me to keep up on my quiet times. I got distracted/fell behind in the month of February and I'm trying to catch up. It is hard because there are a lot of distractions, mostly being in my house (it is pretty much the most distracting thing I can think of). But reading the Word lately has been encouraging, even though I am chugging along at a pace I can't really keep up for long (especially with my school/work load).

So, yeah. I don't know. Thanks Jon and Kristin for saying hi. And Becky, I will definitely e-mail you when I get the chance. Thanks for giving me the address... I tried to find it on your myspace/facebook and they don't exist anymore. So yeah... appreciated.

some things that may or may not be useful to you

I read this article today that said there is a link between cold feet and catching colds during the winter. Chilling the body constricts your blood vessels and cuts off the blood supply to the nasal passages. This is one of the primary ways germs enter your body and without the disease-fighting white blood cells to protect you, you're pretty much screwed. So, try to stay warm in general, and especially wear thermal socks in the winter! Because your feet are one of the first places you get cold.

Second, topically applied coffee grounds reduce the appearance of cellulite and can clear and brighten your skin. This is partially because of the chemical makeup of coffee and partially because of the rough texture of the grounds (pretty much a natural exfoliant). However, coffee is a natural laxative so it should always be used with a good moisturizer, or it can dry out your skin.

And... speaking of coffee... did you know that each coffee cherry produces only 2 beans? A full coffee plant will harvest only 1 to 1 and 1/2 lbs of coffee beans PER YEAR. That is insane. I was looking around our store this morning and trying to picture in my head how many coffee plants that represents, in just the beans we have sitting around right now. I can't imagine.
No wonder coffee is so expensive.