(my baby is probably doing the backstroke or something because I can totally feel it wriggling)

So lately I have been thinking about myself, my family, and the values I want to live by and pass on to my children. The last couple of years of my life have been consumed by dating, engagement, early marriage, and the anticipation of upcoming parenting. But now that Matt and I have settled into our daily routine, I have been reexamining my choices and trying to decide what kind of wife and mother I want to be, and what values I would like to instill in my family.
I have already decided some things that are important to me as relates to parenting. I know it will be years before these things make an impression on our child, but I have recently discovered how important they are to me and therefore how deeply I desire to live them out for my family.
First of all, there is the obvious one, I want our household to be one that is Biblical. I want to set a good example for my children of how to love Jesus and love each other. I want to know the Bible so that when they come to me with questions I know how to help them find the answers. My parents were always incredibly knowledgeable about Scripture and this was an incredible asset to me, probably more than I understood until very recently.
Also, this might sound weird, but growing up, my parents often asked me to choose my own punishment when I was in trouble. So if I did something wrong they told me to go find that sin in the Bible and read what God said about it and come up with an adequate punishment. I thought this was incredible, because when I was old enough to really get what I was doing it made me see that acting out against my parents was also hurting God. They also occasionally chose not to punish me, and when they did so, they told me it was to illustrate how God is merciful even when we sin and don't deserve it. Which is pretty powerful stuff, even to a teenager.
I also want to set a good example of marriage and family life. I want our house to be a place that is open to visitors and where our kids can feel our love for each other, for them and for our friends and neighbors.
Over the course of middle school and high school, I racked up about 6 or 7 years of French classes. It got to the point that my senior year I was near fluent and could read and write in French. (I actually used to study the Bible sometimes in French because I found the differences in translation really beautiful. French is a great language for describing God's love for us.)
Anyway, the years have gone by and I've lost most of what I knew. But back when I still had it, I decided that I would like to teach my child to be bilingual. This is easiest to do by just speaking to them in another language when they are very young. I don't know if I will still be able to do this, but I am going to try because I think it would be incredible and I'd love for them to have that opportunity.
Next, I want to teach my child to be a good steward. By this I chiefly am referring to two things: money/material possessions and the environment.
I feel like my parents did a very good job of teaching me about money. When I was young they sat me down and showed me with monopoly money how much their paycheck was and where it went every month. When I was older they gave me an allowance from which I was supposed to provide my own things: school supplies and clothes, etc. All of this was great. There is only one thing I would change from my parents education and that is credit. When I was sixteen I got a credit card and ended up with $500 in credit card debt. Now, this was a very inexpensive way for me to learn about credit and I am thankful for this lesson. But given the choice with my own child, I would not allow them to get a credit card. I'd instill in them from the time they were young that any item worth buying is worth saving for. Another thing my parents did that I would do differently is that I never plan to loan my child money for anything. I didn't realize until recently how this had contributed to my idea of "buy now, pay later". My parents were good at educating us about credit card debt, but they loaned me money countless times so I could buy stupid stuff. I don't want to do that for my kid. I would rather occasionally gift them something that they really want (I stress occasionally, if it was regular it would be the same as loaning them things) than set them up to "borrow" things. I also think this is a good example of what Christ does for us: when we are good stewards of what He has given us, He often blesses us with more.
As a side note on this topic, I also want to teach my family the value of taking care of their possessions. I grew up mending my clothes when they tore. Or, if they were not salvageable, I tore them up and made something new until the fabric literally dissolved. I try to use things until they are used up, and I hope to teach my kids to do the same. I want them to be creative with the things they own rather than fall in line with the throwaway culture we live in.
Now, the environment. I believe very strongly that this is another stewardship issue. I don't care about the environment for political reasons, I care because it was God's gift to me and taking good care of it makes it more enjoyable to live in. (Not unlike money and other possessions: good stewardship makes money/possessions a blessing, poor stewardship makes them a curse). I am making a very intentional effort to change my daily habits to be more Earth friendly and more community friendly. I hope that my kids will grow up seeing these things as the norm instead of as optional efforts. That is my goal.
Lastly, I hope from a very early age to teach my children to be independent. I want them to grow up feeling like they are capable of doing things on their own, but that I am here to help them if they need it. For example: my mom taught me to cook, clean and do laundry by making me do it myself starting from grade school. I was responsible for doing my own laundry, cooked dinner for the family once a week, and knew how to do almost every household chore, including fixing things that broke around the house. The only reason I know how to do this stuff now is because I've been learning to do it for ten years. I didn't realize at the time how great this was (I thought it sucked) but I think my husband would agree I am a good cook and decent housekeeper, and I know how to help "fix things" around the house.
Anyway... I could go on and on about all my parenting goals and plans. It is cool to be awakened to all these things and how important they are to me. Some of them I haven't even realized until recently.
The only downside is that it makes me a little anxious. The more excited I am or the more plans I make for my child, the more afraid I am that something will somehow go wrong. I am eagerly anticipating our ultrasound next month for reasons other than I thought I would. I am excited to find out the sex of our baby, but really I just want some assurance that s/he is healthy! (Plus I really think it's a girl)



*DISCLAIMER: all references to multiple children in this post are generalities and in no way reflect my desire to have more kids. I don't know what they are like yet and I'm not totally convinced that one won't be enough for me.

the weekend

Well, I have a few things to say about this weekend, and about my husband, being that it was his birthday last Thursday.
This was a big birthday because it is both our first and last as a couple. Not that we are getting a divorce, but having a kid around is going to make stuff like this harder to do, so it had to be memorable.
So, there was a party. We had dinner with the Hartzells, and the REAL present is that next weekend we are going away (to the beach)! This is our first trip since our honeymoon and I am really excited to get away and hang out with my husband.
On Saturday, we did something else fun (well, sort of fun). We finally switched our cell phone plans which means that my parents are no longer paying my cell phone bill. And we switched to... T-Mobile. It wasn't my first choice for a cell phone carrier but T-Mobile has one thing that no else does: The G Phone. Which was another of Matt's birthday presents.
My husband is an incredible provider. And by that I mean not just that he brings home a paycheck, but that he ALSO does all of the hard work figuring out how to make our paychecks stretch over everything we need or want them to. He is the one that determines when we need to say no to something because it won't fit in our budget. A lot of the time it means he is saying no to something that he personally wants so that I can have something that is important to me or so that he can provide something else our family needs more. Even when he does get something for himself, it is always in the most frugal way possible. He always shops around for the best price or for a used version of something he wants. Because of how well he leads our family in this, we don't usually have to worry about how we are going to make ends meet or pay for unforeseen expenses. This is something I really respect because I do not come by this trait naturally, and in my hands I'm sure our finances would be a huge mess.
Soooo... all of that to say that I encourage him to make the occasional splurge on himself when our finances will allow it. So he got a (well-deserved) fancy new phone for his birthday. And seeing him play with it is like watching a little kid on Christmas. Pretty cute.
On Saturday night we had all of the young married (and engaged) couples over for our first ever study night and that went really well. I really like the people in this group, and all of the things you worry about when you are about to have a bible study (or theology night, or whatever) didn't happen. Everyone did their homework, everyone seemed comfortable with sharing, and Matt did a great job leading our discussion. This is, in general, another thing he is really good at, I think because he is such a good listener and also does a great job of gently redirecting conversations when they roam from the important points. Not to mention he came up with good discussion questions for the group and knew exactly when to ask them so there weren't awkward pauses but everyone still got to share.
I just felt very encouraged by having this group and having it immediately be so successful. This has not always been the case with things I have been a part of at Ethnos or other churches. I think, and I have said this before, having other couples to talk to is invaluable when you are newly married.
Lastly, yesterday I had a long work day but I got to spend an hour or so with my best friend and her husband who live in Seattle. They came down to visit for the weekend but we could only squeeze them in for a little bit on Sunday. Still, it was really great to see them and catch up a bit. I wish they lived closer to us so we could hang out more.
Anyway... I spent longer than I thought I would typing this and now I need to start getting ready for work.
:)

Top 100 Movies!

Since I renewed my movie-watching goal two weeks ago I have managed to cross several films off the list: Tootsie, Fargo, An American In Paris, Yankee Doodle Dandy, and Chinatown. I would have liked to write full reviews for all of them, but it's been a busy week for me so instead here are a couple thoughts on each:

Tootsie: I think I already mentioned this one. I like funny movies and this was a funny movie. I also love Dustin Hoffman, who is an incredible actor. So this one got a high score in my book.

Fargo: I enjoyed watching this movie, but I don't know if it deserved to be on the Top 100. I haven't seen many Coen films, but I preferred No Country For Old Men to this one. I think No Country has a greater right to be among the Top 100. Maybe someday it will be. Still, Frances McDormand is a great actress and her character was pretty endearing.

An American In Paris: I hated this movie. I didn't like the plot or the characters, I don't think Gene Kelly is as great an actor as people claim, and the 18-minute ballet wasn't enough to get me to buy the 30 second resolution to the film. I understand why it is ranked among the Top 100 but I still think it is a crappy movie and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

Yankee Doodle Dandy: I put this one off for years knowing nothing about it because I assumed it was going to be an army musical. Turns out it is about Broadway. It was actually pretty good. Cagney is not a great singer, though. In fact, his voice is pretty annoying. But the movie was fun to watch, for a musical. I've had the songs stuck in my head for the past five days though, and I could've done without that.

Chinatown: Absolutely brilliant. I love Nicholson. I also think Huston did an incredible job in this movie, particularly in the end scene where he's coming, zombie-like, for the little girl even after getting shot in the arm. It is saying a lot for me to say I like a film noir, because in general I dislike the genre and all of its cliches. But this one was entertaining and kept me guessing. Also it was one of the few that Matt tolerated (the only other one he watched with me was Fargo, which he spent a good 30 minutes googling afterward trying to figure out "why it was good").

I have a pile of DVDs sitting next to my TV waiting to be watched in the coming weeks. The Apartment, Raging Bull (which I might have already seen but gotten confused between Rocky and On The Waterfront... I'll watch it again nonetheless), Lawrence of Arabia, Bonnie and Clyde, and Midnight Cowboy are hopefully my next five. I'm still waiting for Midnight Cowboy to come in the mail, so hopefully I get to that in the next couple weeks. Otherwise I'll have to replace it with a western... yuck.

Two things:

You may have read in the news that Starbucks eliminated some 1300 positions yesterday. (Quick side note-- it annoys me the comments people make about this. It's almost like they are rejoicing in Starbucks' failure. I understand why people hate the company, but still. It employs thousands upon thousands of people; 7,000 of which will be losing their jobs in the new few weeks. It could be I am touch sensitive since it hits kind of close to home, but still. Rant over)
Anyway... where was I? Oh yes, our assistant store manager was one of those demoted (not for personal reasons or anything, they're just getting rid of that position in general). I'm not going to lie, it is actually better for me in terms of my paycheck. Since she was a salaried employee, she had to be scheduled 40 hours a week which means the other supervisor and I were barely getting 30. Now we will all be splitting the hours, so I will be able to scrounge a few extra every week. Still, it sucks. I feel bad for her and for our store manager, and a few of the baristas who didn't see it coming and are now freaking out about their positions.


Mooooving on... part deux, Matt and I had our second doctor appointment today. We met our real doctor for the first time, and to my relief he is nice and not creepy (sorry, but sometimes I wonder about male OB-GYNs). Mostly this appointment was boring. We got to hear the baby's heartbeat again, which was still pretty fun and reassuring. I got the results of all my tests and they told me stuff I already knew, like that I don't have HIV. So far everything looks good, none of the scary stuff happening like I read about in mommy books. The only really cool part of our visit today was that we got to schedule our NEXT visit, which is in about 6 weeks. And that is where we get our anatomy ultrasound and get to find out the sex of the baby. It seems like that came upon us really fast, though I'm sure the next few weeks will drag on with me just waiting for it. Also, I am eagerly anticipating the first kicks and punches which are supposed to be coming in about a month or so. I'm told it can take longer for first-time moms to recognize these things, but I'm determined to be so tuned in to my body that I won't mistake it when it happens. We'll see if this works... I bet not.

(In case you are wondering why my blog suddenly became mom central, it's because I have made it a goal of mine to record my pregnancy IN CASE I have a little girl who someday will want to read about it. My parents saved their love letters and let me read them when I fell in love with Matt, and I always thought that was a cool gesture, so this is kind of like that. And also, I'm too lazy for paper journals.)

Matthew 6:25-34

Which reads:

“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?
And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need."

This passage came into my head today as I was driving to work and worrying about the fact that my work clothes are ready to pop buttons and zippers. What would at any other time in my life be something fun (buying new clothes) is, at the moment, a stressful additional expense in an already tight budget. Right now Matt and I are trying to successfully navigate the loss of about a quarter of my pay while still banking enough to pay for baby expenses.
And, the thing that makes this really stressful is that maternity clothes aren't a one-time expense... so while I'm doing my best to get stuff that will last for a while, I have no idea how big I will get or how fast I will get there.
Anyway, while I was pondering all these things, God brought this verse into my head. It said two things to me. First, that sometimes what we think we need is not really what we need. As much as I would love to have cute/fashionable maternity clothes (and I admit it, I really do), I can live with pretty much anything that successfully covers my body. And, secondly, I think God will provide these things. By that I mean not just the clothes, but the things that are necessary to provide for our family-- now and in the future.

Anyway, this is a simple revelation I know, but it was a good reminder for me...

Aaron

So I found out today that our neighbor died. I was sure something had happened because there have been people in and out of his house for the past couple weeks cleaning and moving things. I was hoping it was something else, though, like his friends were helping him move or he had gone to a nursing home or something.
He was around 60, and kind of reclusive. I used to worry about him because he would leave notices or mail on his doormat for days at a time. Recently I actually knocked on his door to check on him but he didn't answer.
Anyway. I feel bad that I didn't really know him... he had no family. And he seemed like a nice guy from the couple of times I interacted with him. Makes me wish I would have reached out to him more.

movies!!

I've had this headache for like 4 days... ugh.

So, I have made a new resolution for myself (and thus for Matt as well). I am going to attempt to polish off the Top 100 movies by the time my baby is born. I have been chipping away at this (ever so slowly) for the past five years and now it's time to step it up a notch. I have 38 movies to go (36 of which are attainable, and 2 of which will require a ton of effort and/or money to find).
I currently have 13 of these movies in my possession and my plans for today include two musicals (An American In Paris and Yankee Doodle Dandy) and, if possible, Fargo.

On a related note, yesterday I watched Tootsie and it was fantastic! Funny, well written and well acted. Plus, I enjoy watching these movies and getting to hear (in context) famous quotes that have slipped into our vocabularies. I mean, how many times have you said or heard someone say "I coulda been a contender", but most of us haven't seen On the Waterfront (in fact, many people think that quote is from one of the Godfather movies). Or, "Here's lookin' at you, kid", or the army whistle from Bridge On The River Kwai. I could go on and on. But it's fun to hear where all these quotes came from, especially when you can go your whole life hearing it without ever having heard it in context. Tootsie has a famous line, "I was a better man with you as a woman than I ever was with a woman as a man." I've heard the quote before, but I never knew where it came from.

Anyway, I am a nerd and I'm well aware of this. Most of the movies that I've left til now are ones that I was avoiding for some reason (they're westerns, musicals, film noir or really really old [Birth of A Nation SUCKS and is racist]) but I am determined to push through them and complete my film self-education before I am forced to completely surrender to mommyhood, and therefore have no more fun again, ever.*

Well, that is all for now. Off to take some tylenol and watch some Gene Kelley.



*please note sarcasm

I miss wine!

I really, really miss wine. A lot. I am fine giving up every other type of alcohol and even cutting back the caffeine, but I swear to you I am popping a bottle of champagne in the delivery room the second this thing is over.

I am eating a chocolate cupcake as I write this.

Let me just say that our cat is not the friendliest of cats. I have grown to love him over the past couple of years, but I am by no means blind to his faults. He is feisty, whiny, and I've seen him hiss at more than one person in the past few months. But, he has one really adorable habit that I love. One of his favorite things is to crawl up in front of you when you are typing on the computer and lay down between your arms and snuggle. It's pretty cute. He also meets you at the door when you come home from work, sort of like a dog, and he'll meow and let you pick him up and cuddle him for a bit.
Apart from that he will never cuddle with you, unless you are sleeping, which is not quite as cute, because it wakes you up, and waking up a sleeping pregnant woman is never a good plan.
We just had a fun/relaxing weekend with our friends Brent and Amy and their 6-month-old daughter Sofia. It was our first time having guests stay with us, so that was a little interesting. It was kind of a mad scramble to get the house ready. Luckily their daughter isn't crawling yet because our house is nowhere near baby-proofed.
Anyway, we had good times, saw all the Portland sites, and Matt and I got to get a little taste of what it's like to be around a baby. I feel like we may be slightly misled because Sofia is not only the cutest, but also the easiest baby I have ever met in my life. She hardly cried all weekend, she slept all night, and when she was awake she was always smiling and giggling.
It was weird for me though. I felt very excited being around a baby, and it almost made me wish our baby would come sooner since I am so eager to meet him/her and play with them. It also made me anxious, though. Amy was very open with me about what a challenge it was juggling parenting and school, what effect it had on their relationship, and the financial burden (which will be considerably greater in our case). And it was a lot of work keeping her fed, rested, clean and entertained. It's one thing to play with a baby for a few minutes, it's a totally different thing to be stuck with one all day long.
So, I am, and probably always will be, still conflicted about becoming a parent.
On the plus side of things, I saw like 15 hot moms this weekend with babies around 6 or 7 months, which made me feel hopeful, since I read an article last thursday about post-pregnancy body issues. Needless to say, I don't want to get fat, but more importantly, I don't want to feel bad about myself. I think the way you feel has a greater impact on your appearance than the way you're shaped. And I hate to read about moms who think they need plastic surgery to repair their distorted post-prego bodies.

In other news, last week was a looooooooong week at work, complete with all kinds of drama, but it's beginning to look like things are looking up around the ol' workplace, and that has elevated my mood a bit. In addition, I am no longer feeling nauseous for the most part (thus the cupcake) and I don't need a nap today. In fact, I'm about to go exercise right now. AND it's sunny outside. So there's no reason to not be totally happy.

P.S. my cupcake was delicious, if you're wondering.