I'm tired but I have a lot of things on my mind... thus I can't sleep despite the fact that I've been up since 3:00 this morning (thanks Trisha for the drunken texting).
We've been really busy this week between wedding stuff and condo stuff, but it's actually been pretty fun. The last two nights we have been up late painting and wandering around Home Depot looking at carpets/tile/fans/you name it. I actually think having a project to work on is helping relieve stress, because I feel like I am accomplishing something. So even though my wedding stuff has sort of fallen by the wayside a bit these last two weeks, I'm okay with it.
I've had my doubts about taking on the responsibility and time commitment of a fixer-upper, but it's great. I like working hard, especially when Matt and I are doing it together, and it's fun when we agree on how things should look (which, surprisingly, is almost all of the time- even on the wall colors we picked out). So that is a relief that we are working well as a team and having fun with it. It's exciting to see things changing already and look forward to all the things we have left to do.

Well, i'll probably watch some scrubs episodes... they never fail to put me to sleep... heh

beautiful boy

Nic's friend Stephen speaks. He describes his lifelong 'dance' with alcohol-- he was ten when he got drunk for the first time. His wife cries continuously.
'We love you so much,' she says to Stephen when it is her turn, 'but I have heard your remorse before. I have heard your promises. I can't live this way.'
James's wife speaks about how he has plummeted from 'the person I respected most in the entire world, my soul mate,' to someone consumed with pills at the expense of everything else. 'He went from being the kindest, gentlest-'
The counselor, in a quiet, even voice, interrupts. 'Try addressing him directly,' she says. 'Talk to your husband.'
Looking into James's eyes, trembling, she continues: 'You went from being the kindest, gentlest man I had ever know in my life to a stranger, yelling at me, listless, depressed, unkind, and unable to share any kind of openness and intimacy. I keep asking myself...'
She begins to cry.
And then another, and another. They tell their stories, address their loved ones, apologize, rail at them, and weep. Our similarities are profound. To varying degrees, we have spent years accepting and rationalizing behavior in our loved ones that we would never tolerate in anyone else. We have protected them and hidden their addiction. We resented them and felt guilty for it. We have been furious and felt guilty for it. We vowed not to take their cruelty or deceitfulness or selfishness or irresponsibility any longer and then we forgave them. We raged at them, often inwardly. We blamed ourselves. We worried-- worried incessantly-- that they would kill themselves.

PS

I have now learned never to be offended when I am not invited to other peoples' weddings. I find it ridiculous that entire books are written on wedding etiquette, but I have had a week full of hurt feelings, misunderstandings and assumed invitations... ugh.
I am just making a mental note never to put a bride and groom in the awkward position of extending an obligatory invitation.

people are leaving :(

Yesterday Jen, my favorite coworker, had her last day. She is going on maternity leave for the next three months-- exciting for her, but sad for us. I hope that she comes back and becomes a manager (she is assistant manager now) because she is so great to work with. And she is an amazing boss. I can't think of a single person at our store who doesn't love her. And that is pretty impressive given the drama that goes on in our store...

On another sad note, my family (the Lewises) are moving to Arizona in four days, which sucks. It was nice to have them here for a while at least. They are our closest family on my dad's side despite the fact that my cousins have lived in Afghanistan almost my whole life. At least now they will be closer (and safer).

I had a crappy day

I've decided to blog every night before I go to sleep because I think it helps me unwind.

Anyway, today was not the greatest day. We had in-store training (I'm sure you read about it on the front page of the Oregonian. Or heard about it in the news. Or saw it on yahoo). It broke up my work day so that I left work and pretty much had to come right back a couple hours later. I didn't get out of work until 9:20ish tonight and I was in a bad mood during the training because of the day I had leading up to it. The training is a good thing but I was not in the mood for it tonight.
Part of the reason I was in a bad mood today was that I had a bit of a scare with one of my friends... there were some concerns about their health so I was waiting all day to hear if they were going to be ok or not. It turns out they are but the wait was pretty horrible.

...On a totally different note... Sometimes I think I would prefer to have a desk job so I can focus on one task at a time and not be worried about hurting anyone's feelings or stepping on peoples' toes. I work very hard and take pride in my work. Especially considering what I get paid (little) and how much authority I am given (very little). I know people (/Starbucks reps) would say that I get paid more than most people doing the type of work that I do, but I feel like Starbucks as a corporation demands a lot from its low-level employees. They expect us to care about quality and business even though it has a minimal impact on the average barista. I'm sure plenty of people could give me reasons why everyone should think it's important but the fact is, they expect a lot of buy-in from people who are probably just working there for a part-time thing.
I actually do work very hard and pay attention to things like the average ticket, transactions per half hour, labor, sales, quality, speed of service, furthering my knowledge, etc, etc. Yesterday I spent three hours in voluntary training to learn even more about coffee so I can help my store to be passionate about whole bean and brewed coffee as a quality product.
And some days I wonder why I even work so hard when all that stuff seems to kind of get lost. I mean I seriously work my ass off going above and beyond what some of my peers do. Unfortunately this really just seems to bite me on the ass. And maybe there is no point in doing that. I suppose I would make the same paycheck whether I go the extra mile or not. And if I'm not going to get another promotion (which it doesn't feel like I will) then it's not even like I'm investing in my own future.

Anyway, today just pissed me off. Some days I feel that I work hard for absolutely no reason, and today was one of those days. I think working has to do much more with the principle than with the paycheck. Because if I couldn't take pride in/feel good about my work, I would quit my job even if it meant giving up a steady paycheck.

Tomorrow is a day off, which is good, because I am burnt out and I need clean laundry really badly...

life and family

I feel really busy.
So the last few weeks I have been doing a lot. Matt and I looked for condos and hopefully are in the process of buying one. He moved (which, admittedly, I played a minimal part in). I'm trying to work as much as possible to maximize cash on hand. Which means I am picking up about one extra shift a week. I know that most people work 40 hours a week and that's not something to complain about, but now that I'm only getting one day off a week to do wedding planning, it feels like a lot. My room is trashed and I've been washing the same clothes to wear to work over and over again because I can't find any other ones.

Also, wedding planning is turning out to be a bit more than I bargained for. It stresses me out. I'm trying to keep things simple and delegate but it's still a lot of stuff to juggle.

So today we went out to Gresham and met with my grandparents to look at their property for the wedding. My grandma was very excited and surprisingly laid back. She said we could do whatever we wanted. So we talked about flowers and tables and chairs and all the other little stuff that goes into wedding planning.
Anyway, that's exciting because it means we actually have a date for our wedding! And now I can turn that stack of paper and ribbon sitting on my desk into pretty little save-the-dates.
Also, I am going with my mom tomorrow to order my dress. I found the one I want but I have to special order it and it won't come in for another three months. So that is also exciting. I realized in the process of trying on dresses that I am not as opinionated about the dress as most people are. I figure, you can either shop every single store til you find the absolute perfect one, OR, you can find one you like and looks good on you and buy it. Because, frankly, the more dresses you try on the more confused you get. And nothing is 100% perfect. So the dress is often this huge multiple month, multiple shopping trip ordeal.
So I'm not into all that, really. Although I have been getting pretty girly about the arts and crafts, which I guess makes up for it.

I hate it when, in movies, people cheat on their spouses.
I don't like it in real life either, but when it's paraded around for the sake of "entertainment"... well that really gets under my skin.
There are a lot of reasons why I hate it. Mainly because it saddens me. Also because it may actually be an accurate reflection of life, what with more than 50% of marriages ending in divorce.
But most of all I hate it because I don't want to see it. I hate to think that something so hurtful could be so romanticized to the point that we call it entertainment.

I remember the first time I really pondered this was when I saw the movie Lord of War, which was a couple of years ago. And the main character in the movie had no conscience. I mean, the guy sold guns to children. But still, when he cheated on his wife (who was, of course, a very devoted and loving wife who had no idea what her husband was) I was still shocked. It didn't really help that in that particular situation he was sleeping around with African prostitutes in a region where there was an 60% HIV rate, and of course he went home and slept with his wife after that. Which I suppose is reasonable given his character. But still, promising to love and cherish and protect someone your whole life and then exposing them to a deadly STD is disturbing (and also, thankfully, illegal).

But anyway, my point is that I wish this wasn't so prevalent in our culture that it is accepted as good or right, which is how it's often portrayed.

Anyway, I need to get to sleep because I have to work early tomorrow...

change is coming

So it has been a pretty crazy week. Well, it's only been 6 days. But it seems like there is a lot of stuff going on, too much for one week.
Yesterday Matt and I (but mostly Matt) got pre-approved for a mortgage loan. He needs to be out of his apartment by the end of February, so we are going to look for a condo next week. It is both exciting and overwhelming. We will probably get a fixer-upper type place, which I am excited about. Matt has lived in two different apartments in the time we've been dating, and I've lived in one before, and the one thing that really bothered me about it was that you couldn't make it yours. You couldn't fix stuff if it broke or make things better. So I am looking forward to doing those kinds of things. Hopefully we will earn some money on the place.
It is crazy to be getting married and buying a home, I never imagined we would be able to do those two things at the same time. I was prepared to wait a long time to own a place. But Matt and I have tried to be very conscious of our spending and saving. Matt more so than me; I don't have much to contribute. But anyway, the end result is that we are probably going to own our own place very soon and that is pretty freaking cool.
I have also been scrimping and saving and I'm going to be buying a car pretty soon here, probably in the next couple of weeks. Nothing fancy, just something that successfully gets me from point A to point B. This is still a really big deal for me because it will be the first major purchase I will make on my own. I decided several months ago that I didn't want to bring more debt than I had to into our marriage so I waited until I could just buy a cheaper car without making payments. It has taken longer than I thought but I am finally ready! That is exciting too.
And then of course there is wedding planning. And even though I watched other people do it and everybody kept telling me I would underestimate it, I still feel like I have underestimated it. So far we have made up a rough guest list and that's it. Although I feel like that's a pretty good accomplishment for this week.
Also I think I might go look at dresses tomorrow with my mom, Becca, and Brianna, since Matt is out of town. Everyone is telling me horror stories about dress ordering and shipping, so even though I'd rather wait, I'll probably look sooner rather than later. Because what if I end up being that horror story that has to walk down the aisle in a prom dress because her gown didn't ship in time?

man, i feel crappy today.

my sweetie is sick :(

I think Matt has the flu. So he has been sleeping a lot. Which leaves me with random pockets of time and nothing to do. For some reason I've just watched like 5 episodes of scrubs back to back.
Also, on a (seemingly) unrelated note, if you have not eaten at Fresh Thyme Soup Company, you must. The food is delicious. The guy behind the counter is a little weird though.

So, in summary, I hope that Matt feels better and that I don't get sick too.

So the last few days have been a crazy whirlwind of activity and I am pretty much exhausted. I suppose I could type a long blog detailing all the fun but what is the point? (Plus I think the bachelorette party is supposed to be kept a secret.)
But the highlights of this weekend were: meeting and hanging out with all the bridesmaids, a weekend of partying, spending a sleepless night in a hotel suite with my best friend (heh), the delicious rehearsal dinner (and wedding food, actually), hiding a lot of kleenex in my bouquet, crying uncontrollably during the ceremony when Jon shared his vows, kessler's flask full of vodka at the reception, kristin walking down the aisle looking like a freaking model from a bridal magazine, signing their marriage license, giving a (mostly) tear-free wedding toast, and seeing Jon's dad do the macarena. And seeing all my friends from high school.

I can't believe my best friend is married! I am so happy for her. It was a great weekend.

I forgot why I loved the media... and then I remembered

I've had some really interesting social opportunities with my coworkers lately.
I had two separate conversations with two separate coworkers about organized religion, Jesus' death and salvation, the inerrancy of scripture and separation of church and state. Both of these started because of movies I had recently watched (Apocalypto and Jesus Camp). It seems weird that a discussion about apocalypto would lead into a discussion about the crucifixion of Christ, but it did and it was pretty interesting and enlightening. Those of my coworkers who are not Christian are generally pretty hostile toward the Christian faith, but I felt like both times the people were interested in talking and sharing their beliefs with me. So I learned some pretty cool stuff about some people that I work with, and we actually managed to talk about religion (and politics) without killing each other. Crazy!

Porter

I'm pretty sure my dog is going to die soon. He has been sick and he is almost 15, so it is probably his time to go. The annoying thing is that my family hasn't been putting much effort into taking care of him, I was the one who took him to the vet and my parents decided not to pay for the blood test he needed done. It is certainly expensive, but it's supposed to alert us of any major issues that could be causing him pain. The vet did call us but since I have been working no one answered the phone or called him back to discuss the results of his tests.
I would really like for my dog to be put down if there's something seriously wrong with him. I don't want him to be in pain or to wake up one morning and find him dead on our kitchen floor (which is probably what will happen).
Also, I'm not really sure how I feel about my dog. He has been our only real pet (I had a turtle once, very briefly) and I've grown up with him; we've had him since I was in kindergarten. At the same time though, I don't have a relationship with my dog like other people have with their pets. He is there and I am there, I feed him and occasionally walk him or pet him, but that's pretty much it.
I have learned a lot about what pets can mean to people by watching the Hartzells. They love their pets more than anyone I know. Ashley lost her puppy recently, and I feel worse for her than I would for myself if my own dog died (I think) because Jack meant a lot more to Ashley than Porter means to me.
But I haven't really lost a pet before. I've lost people and that was a big deal, so it seems like a pet would be nothing in comparison. But I do worry about Porter, so maybe that says something, because if I didn't love him I wouldn't worry.
Also, my brother really loves Porter, so I will feel sad for Daniel when our dog dies, because I know he will have a hard time with it.

Anyway, that's all I have to say. I don't really know how I feel so I was trying to think out loud, but it didn't really get me anywhere.

The holidays are already stressful and it's not even December yet.
Also, I forgot that in the winter I am lucky if I'm healthy for more than a few days at a time.

I remember a time when I thought blogging (and checking my email, and being on AIM, and myspace, and facebook, and the forum) was cool, and did so regularly, but that time is like a distant dream...

Thanksgiving!

Today is my favorite holiday of the year. What could be better than lots of food, board games, movies, sitting around lazily all day, and of course, my family on their best behavior? I also like that the commercialism, for the most part, skips straight from halloween to Christmas, which means that I am not already sick of Thanksgiving by the time it is upon us.
I have a well-deserved day off from work today (I've pulled a couple late nights this week), and the weather is gorgeous, so I am in a great mood and eagerly awaiting the arrival of my cousins... some of them I have not seen in a year. Ian has been on a missions trip to Argentina since I saw him last. So it will be fun to catch up with everyone.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

annoying

So I burned my foot pretty badly a few weeks ago. And it's been taking a long time to heal. I went to the doctor afterward and he told me it would take about a month. At the rate it is going I think it will take a lot longer, but that is beside the point.
It started to heal a little bit and now when I am sitting still, or trying to fall asleep at night, it itches so badly that I think it's going to drive me insane. The only cure for it is to soak it in saltwater which of course makes it burn. But that is, unfortunately, more bearable.

Sorry, is this TMI? I don't know. This is my blog so I can blog about whatever, right? Tonight I feel like blogging about my itching open wounds... hope you like to hear about that stuff. :)

P.S. The worst part is that we are out of Epsom salts, so I think I'm going to have to use regular salt now... I don't know if it works the same, I don't know anything about chemistry... I almost failed it in high school.

My dad told me this cool story

This story is about when my parents were dating, way back in the day.

So they'd been dating about a year and it got to that point where the girl (in this case, my mom) finally said, "So are you gonna marry me, or what?"
Both my parents were very involved with the Navigators when they were in college, which, if you don't know, is a huge Christian organization. So they were both pretty firm in their faith and involved in leading bible studies and stuff. Anyway, my dad was doing a bible study about waiting on God. And, as he put it, "the whole point of waiting on God is that you're waiting on God, not that you're just suspending decision-making until you get too impatient." So he told my mom he was waiting on God to direct him. (According to my dad she didn't like this answer much, but I'll give my mom some credit, I'll bet she was pretty patient with him.)
So, it came to the point where a decision finally needed to be made, and my dad still didn't feel like he was getting any answers from God, so he went into a theater at OSU and prayed. He told me this was the only time in his life where he felt he had a spiritual vision, although I'm not exactly sure what that looked like. Anyway, he said he was reminded so forcibly of Abraham and Isaac that he felt God calling him to a similar choice: either choose to follow God wherever He led, or get engaged to my mom. So after a lot of wrestling and frustration, my dad told God that he would follow him no matter what the cost. And God's response, according to my dad, was, "Then you can have Anne."

I thought this was a cute story (I like to think about what my parents were like at my age/life stage), but, more importantly, I thought it was very telling as to the future strength of their marriage. So I like it, and thinking of this story brightened my day a little today.

P.S.

I might throw up again.
I just thought you'd all like to know.

My brother sucks. Part 1,789,873

I'm having a crappy day; it's part of a larger, crappier weekend. Or, if you're willing to travel back in time with me a bit further, we could call the previous 8 days pretty frustrating.
You see, last weekend, after months of (we thought) sobriety, my brother went missing and came home with the following: no recollection of the previous night, a hangover, a nasty black eye and a hospital bracelet. After some digging we discovered that he had gotten drunk with some friends and caused such a scene that he was arrested, hog-tied, and pepper-sprayed before he was taken to the hospital.
The following evening, he announced that he would like to quit smoking pot. Having heard this promise several times from him in my short life, I decided to suspend judgment. You see, I've been told many times in a variety of ways that I need to forgive my brother and continue to give him a second, third, fourth (I've lost count of what number we're on now) chance. So I put in a good solid effort. I even hung out with him several times last week and played board games.
So, yesterday was Kristin's bridal shower, and we were out all day getting ready and hosting this shower. When we came home at about 5 o'clock in the evening, my brother was gone and had left a note saying (among other things) that he would find somewhere else to live. Apparently he had gotten stoned and fought with my dad. My dad was going out and told him he could not be alone in the house with my sister (this is a promise they made to her for her comfort/safety). Daniel pitched a fit and left. He has no cell phone so we didn't see him or hear from him all last night. Needless to say, it was a shitty night and although we all tried to remain cheerful I was pretty much livid. Matt and I hung out with Becca to prevent further shenanigans (with my siblings, these things often come in twos).
This morning I woke up nauseous (I get up at 4 am on Sundays). I was at work roughly an hour before I decided I probably couldn't handle it. I called every co-worker and only two people answered their phones (they couldn't help me) and no one else even called me back. Which was frustrating, especially since I was literally throwing up in the bathroom on my breaks, but there was nothing I could do about it. It was too busy for me to leave. So I worked the whole shift (and for those of you who are disgusted by this, just FYI, I didn't make drinks, touch food, or even touch cups. I just touched money). Anyway, when I came home I was starting to feel better, until Daniel showed up on the front porch. The conversation went like this:
Daniel: Am I welcome?
Dad: That depends, are you stoned?
Daniel (haughtily): No.
Dad: Then I guess you're welcome.
(Daniel starts walking up the stairs)
Dad: We're going to have to talk about what happened last night.
Daniel: I have nothing to say to you (slams door).

Not exactly the contrite spirit you'd be hoping for in this situation, but my brother is a self-centered drug addict, so I expect nothing more.
Anyway, I have said this about 5 billion times already, but I am tired of this. Life needs some more stability. We need to be able to go a week without a major crisis. It is so unbelievably childish to run away from your home or your problems, but I have put up with this no less than 4 times in the past year and a half, twice with police intervention.
So (and please keep in mind I am not looking for anyone's opinion on how to "deal with" my brother, I think unless you have been in this situation yourself, it is so easy to simplify it down to forgiving your brother seven times seventy, and that's not what real love or real life is about). So, anyway, I am tired and pissed and feel trapped, and need to vent. Because I don't know what else to do, I have had enough from him.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.