excited

Welllll... tomorrow is my big day. At 3 pm I have an interview with a (different) store manager who will decide whether or not I am ready for a promotion. I have been working toward this interview since June so I'm really excited but also really nervous. I want this promotion pretty badly. I think I would be good at the position I'm interviewing for. Maybe even higher up, later on.
Starbucks has been surprising but a good work experience for me. I never thought I would enjoy it as much as I do or that there would be so many opportunities for me there. Initially I thought of it as just part-time, temporary employment. But I think I will pursue it for a while. One of my assistant managers commented to me the other day that she thinks I am "management material". It was a really nice compliment and it made me think.
I have never really had a job with a corporate structure like Starbucks... but I really like it. The way forward is always very clear. I work well in a system where I am given expectations to fulfill. If I know what needs to be done, I will do it, and generally to the best of my ability. So in that sense I think the corporate environment is a good fit for me, because I always know what's expected of me and what I can expect.
Anyway. Blah blah blah. I'm a little rambly because I'm nervous. It's been a weird and stressful week... starting with last Saturday night. But a couple months' worth of work is culminating in tomorrow afternoon/evening, so I'm really excited.
I am (also) a little nervous about the coffee tasting seminar Nate and I are teaching tomorrow night. I have put a lot into planning it, but I have no idea how many people will come. At first I was worried no one would show up, but I really don't think that is the case. I have spent all week giving people (family, friends, regulars, random customers, co-workers, etc) personal invites to this thing. I just hope I didn't bite off more than I can chew... I'm afraid too many people will show up and I will be overwhelmed.
I've been practicing the last couple days doing coffee tastings with my coworkers. It's been a while since I've done one for work so this week I tried all the new ones (Ubora, Joya Del Dio, and Anniversary Blend... Ubora is the best in my opinion, but I really like East African coffees). Anyway, I was going through the steps with my coworker today and she got really impressed (she's new) and asked me how long I'd been working for Starbucks. Then she said I'd make a good teacher. Which I'm really glad she said, because it put me at ease about tomorrow...

Anyway. I'm kind of a dork, especially about work. I just wanted to talk a little before I go to sleep... hopefully my jabbering will make me sleepy.
Who knows.

My aunt and cousin just got here from afghanistan... they moved back home a year early because of family stuff. They've been living in afghanistan for 12 years now, so nearly all of my life that I can remember. I'm glad to have them here (despite the circumstances) because they are my favorite family members.
We are going to have dinner with them tonight in newberg. I haven't seen them in over a year, so I'm excited.

From the archives

Saturday, July 01, 2006

i want to slap my little sister. hard.
i don't think she realizes the entire world does not revolve around her. i hate how smart she is and how smoothly and carelessly she manipulates everyone around her. i wonder if she cares about anything besides herself. i would like to think she does but so far every single time i've given her the benefit of the doubt she lets me down.
like everyone.
it makes me sick to think how much i've tried to do for her the past week. she is such a liar.
it scares me how mad i am at her right now.

there is no part of me, no secret hidden place in the innermost depths of my soul, where i can even begin to fathom acting the way my siblings have been acting over the past couple of weeks. I CANNOT EVEN COMPREHEND IT. I cannot even comprehend actually responding to them in the way that I really want to. I am not so selfish that I am incapable of putting aside my own anger and letting them work through their shit.
because hey. IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.

but, seriously.
get the picture, guys.
we play as a team.
it doesn't work if you lie. or try and quit the game early.

A little over a year ago, I sat in my living room watching my parents sob into the wolvertons' arms. I was on the phone calling everyone who knew my brother, asking if they'd heard from him or knew where he'd be. In the back of my mind, I was trying to convince myself that my life would go on even if my brother's life had ended.
By some miracle, God in his unimaginable mercy did not allow my brother to take his life that night.
I have occasionally reflected back on that night with thankfulness, but I hate to remember it. It was the longest and worst night of my life. I have never been so afraid or hopeless. Even thinking about it right now brings me to tears because I can remember specific thoughts and moments where I felt like everything had been lost. My life was ruined; damaged; nothing would ever be the same.
On Saturday night I had a similar situation with my sister. And for the second time in a little over a year I found myself begging God for protection. Sobbing. Bargaining.
I don't know the extent of what the human heart can handle. I think I'm very close to my threshold. Because what you don't really think about is how losing someone to sin can be just as painful as if they were dead. In the past year I have lost my brother (and one of my best friends), my friend and pastor from childhood, and now I feel like I have lost my sister as well. I suppose there is still a chance for change, but it can be so hard to hope when life gives you no reason to.
I know I am going to be judged for saying what I am about to say, but I don't care. Whenever a Christian is suffering, they are told to read Job. For "perspective." Because no one's life can really be that bad compared to Job's, right? But when I read Job, I don't get perspective. My life doesn't seem any better in comparison. Sure, life could be worse. It absolutely could get worse than it is right now. But when I read Job I feel like I am reading my own prayers. There are many things that seem worse than what has happened to my family, and maybe they are, I don't know. But for me, life has hit me where it hurts the most and will do the most damage.

I am just looking for hope. I am beyond questioning God. I believe he has a plan and that all this, for some reason, is a part of his glory. I don't understand how and I've grown tired of asking that question, so I just won't. All I want is a little bit of hope. There's got to be more to life than this. I want to be able to see the good parts, too.

I might still love you but it's hard to tell

I am so unbelievably beyond the amount of other people's shit that I can take.

I want to freaking scream.

over too soon

This evening we (me + Matt) returned from a wonderful vacation with the Hartzell family. We were camping at Crane Prarie resort, which is out about a half an hour from Sunriver.
We had a few adventures... we kayaked down the Deschutes with Tim and Ashley, visited Sisters, and I even met the grandparents who road-tripped all the way from Mesquite, Nevada to hang out with us.
So all in all I would have to say it was a fun trip. I took 6 days off from work. I am experiencing the joys of paid vacation (I, in my youth, have never experienced such a marvelous thing).
The highlights were kayaking, hanging out with the family, and Russ' new(/old) toys. When his parents came to visit they brought with them the old video camera, circa 1940s (i believe). It was in great condition and there were several cans of film. We watched some of the old home movies on this neat little contraption you use to crank, cut and splice film. I have heard of these things but never seen one. As you can imagine it was good fun for me as a digital video student. I also got a kick out of the operation manual (complete with a foreword by Alfred Hitchcock on how to make a better home movie).
There were only a couple downsides. My phone crapped out Sunday afternoon and I couldn't get it to work again. I finally gave up and today when we got home I went to get a new one. It turns out my plan doesn't end until November so I'm not eligible for a new phone until then. So I ended up just buying a cheap one to last me a couple months. Hopefully it wokrs until then, because if it does I can return it within 90 days (when I get a new one) for store credit. So I guess that isn't too bad. Usually cell phone issues are brutal. I did, however, lose all the numbers on my old phone. So if you read this, text me your number, cause so far I have Ashby, my cousin, Beth Peterson, and Matt, and that's it.
Also I got sick on the drive home, which was pretty miserable. Traffic was bad so it took us like 5+ hours to get back. I did start to feel better after I got home and took a nap.

I don't know if I have ever needed a vacation as badly as I needed this one. It was good to just escape all the stress and chill for a few days. I will be thankful when (if?) life calms down enough that driving back into Portland doesn't feel so much like a cloud of dread sweeping over me. Ugh.
Well, I am going to try to stay positive and focus on the things that alleviate my stress. I'm excited to get back to work and see my friends there. I've got a free coffee tasting class coming up that I'm going to be teaching. I'm really excited about that. Tomorrow I'm going to spend some more time pinning down the details, so that should be fun.

Anyway, it is late, and I need to sleep... :)

If I were to sum up any one thing that I have learned in the past year and a half, this would be it:

I feel like I've gotten some idea of how God feels when we let him down over and over again.

It's really just a glimpse of a feeling. I have no idea how to deal with my disappointment in other people. At times I am so overwhelmed by all the hurt and bitterness that it's like I'm choking.
It's like someone else dug a hole and threw me in it. And here I am trying to find a way to climb back out.

I've been alive TWO WHOLE DECADES.... that's nothing.

Today is my birthday. As I was sitting in bed pondering that thought (the clock just hit 12:00) I remembered how different my life has become in the past 12 months. So much has changed for me. As an inventory of my progress, I figured I should record it.
So last year at this time, here is what was happening.
My family + Jessica Brackett were at the beach for a missions conference, along with the Lewis family, the Petersons, and Ashby. My brother was recovering from a suicide attempt on the 27th of June, and I think it's pretty safe to say my family was still in shock from it.
I was at home because I was doing night school. I was taking my first term of art history and completely loving it. My friends were back from their first year of college. My five best friends and I dressed up and went to a fancy dessert at Papa Haydn. This included Kristin, Brianna, Becky, Sarah and Jade.
It was a lovely birthday celebration, but a little bittersweet because I was finishing the downward spiral of what can only be considered the most painful and worthless relationship of my life. The friend I valued most at the time (who, ironically, couldn't care less about me) was headed off to Nebraska soon and I was pretty much devastated by that.
Life was, to be brutally honest, pretty horrible, and horribly overwhelming.
Flash forward to now... my brother, after some pretty crazy shenanigans, is (probably) solidly on his way to recovery. Jessica, our family friend, is about to get married. The Lewises have had a rough year but four of the six are about to be reunited, and that is something to be thankful about. I have been taking a break from school, but have been working for the past 8 months and getting close (I hope) to a promotion. My best friend is back from 6 months abroad and engaged, and I am going to be her maid of honor. I had coffee today with four of my favorite people-- my mom, sister, Kristin, and Caitlin (my cousin) to celebrate my birthday.
But, of course, the best part is that I am in love. And compared to all the other relationships I have ever been in, this one is the best. To the point where I didn't even know someone so good was waiting for me.

So, even though there are a lot of things that weren't so great about this year, it is still the pinnacle of my short life. Because nothing that I know of can top finding your soulmate and falling in love.

Anyway, I'm off to bed.

I guess not

Turns out Evergreen is having a baptismal service tomorrow and NOT meeting in their usual place... which is good for them, but bad for us, because we can't visit (well, we CAN, but none of us really wants to). Bummer since I took tomorrow off especially for this (for the three of us to go together).
Anyway, Matt and I are going to go check out Imago Dei, just the two of us, which is still exciting. I have seen some pretty sweet stuff on their website about art and especially film in their community. I hope I get to see some of that tomorrow, I have been missing my art community at school... and last night for some reason I looked through the slideshow on the Ethnos website, and I almost wanted to cry. Our church used to be REALLY different... first off, over half the people in the pictures are gone. And second, do you remember when we used to do really cool stuff with sacred spaced? I don't know if anyone else misses it, but I sure do...

can't sleep..

I have the next few days off (4 of them in a row). But they are busy days... tomorrow is the celebration of my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary. I'm not really excited about it because, well, my family is huge and I'm supposed to be taping everything, plus providing coffee, so it will probably be pretty boring. But I am excited for my grandparents! 50 years is a long time, and the fact that we all get to celebrate with them is a beautiful thing.
I have been thinking a lot about marriage lately, it's just on the brain... because of my grandparents, Jon and Kristin, etc. In fact, I had an enlightening conversation with Mer about it the other day. It reminded me of Ephesians 5:31-33 which describes the union of a husband and wife (as my translation puts it): "This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church." I love those words-- a profound mystery! Plus, as the passage says, it is our closest earthly representation of the relationship between Christ and the church...
Anyway, that passage, and 1 Corinthians 13, bring me so much joy when I think about people like my parents, grandparents, and friends-- all of whom are in different stages of the process-- what a gift! Love is an incredible gift... and marriage, the union of two people...
I don't know... I don't really know what that is like, but from standing on the outside, I would have to say that when people are obedient to God, that marriage looks both incredibly beautiful and profoundly mysterious.
Anyway... so that is tomorrow. Sunday morning (usually I work at 4:45am on Sundays) I have off and Matt, Nate and I are going to visit Evergreen. Should be interesting... I have heard a lot about Evergreen but never visited myself.
I am getting pretty tired now writing this, so I'm off to bed.