i am trying to think of something to paint

for work, I was talking to my coworker today and I am thinking something related to social justice. Especially because it's Starbucks and that means whatever it is, it will be seen by a lot of people. So it would seem wrong to me to put up something completely self-serving. But then, there are so many things I would like to change about the world, what would I choose to paint?

My coworker Trisha, who is a talented photographer, had a really good idea about juxtaposing images of modern Americans (especially children) with images of children from third-world countries. I like that idea but since it is hers I can't use it.

I think I have an idea but I'm not sure if I'm ready to run with it or not.

Across the Universe

This movie was so, so good. People mostly told me it was just alright but I LOVED it. I want it to come out on DVD so I can watch it again.
I love The Beatles. And I thought these were the best Beatles covers I have heard, including the I Am Sam covers, which is saying a lot.
Also, I am usually not a fan of musicals, but this seemed like it worked together pretty well. And I liked how they referenced songs without singing them, like She Came In Through The Bathroom Window. And I liked how they mixed the really famous with the not-so-famous ones.
I Want You (She's So Heavy) was pretty genius.

I have been praying hard these days.
My heart is just not in the right place. It has not been for a long time, well over a year. This past year has left a lasting imprint on the way I treat and perceive other people.
Before, I would say that I was a genuinely compassionate and patient person, one who rarely held grudges or placed blame. And also a person who enjoyed other people. Now I would more describe myself as someone who is impatient with others, disappointed in most people, and bitter. And I do not enjoy people. Most people, in my experience, are a source of pain and frustration. I have mostly (and in some cases, completely) lost all desire to mend any broken relationships. I have grudges I won't let go, and people who I have distanced myself from, even within my own immediate family.
And I have been praying so hard about this, and I just do not see resolution. I don't feel any hope for myself. I am confused about what is right and wrong, just and unjust. What is justified anger and what is sin? Does being a Christian mean I suppress all my disappointment, that I smooth it over and for the sake of forgiveness pretend it doesn't exist? And, if so, if I don't speak it out loud, then how do I banish it from my mind? Just because I don't say it doesn't mean I don't feel it.
But I don't want to hate people. And if I'm being totally honest (which I am right now) I am dangerously close to that extreme with most of the people in my life. Which is scary.
So what am I supposed to do? I have been praying for compassion, for specific people. And I have been praying against my own pride and bitterness. I don't know what to do besides that. And when I read the Bible I get mixed answers. When I read the prophets I think that God must have a purpose for anger in His name, but He deals in mercy and grace. So where should I fall on that wide spectrum? And did He create this in me for a purpose, or is it a weakness that I want to pass off as a gift?
I feel completely encased in sin. In my own sin and in other peoples' sin, and it feels like a trap that is pressing down on me and making life miserable. And I am not talking just the big things, it is all the small things too. It is all of the inappropriate and immature things that are said. It is the gossip. It is divisiveness. And hypocrisy. And selfishness. It is just everything. Everything about humanity, about how we sin and drag God's name through the mud every day. It disgusts me. My own sin and pride disgust me. This burdens my heart, and I do not know how to shrug it off and enjoy people in spite of sin.

I don't know if this makes sense, and I don't really even care, I'm not looking for feedback or anything. I think that my anger is most sinful when I hold onto it by fooling myself into thinking it is righteous. I can do that if I keep it in, but I can't do it if I admit to it. I want to think I am always in the right, who doesn't, but I know I'm not. I am trying to admit I am wrong in my thinking, even though I'm not all the way ready to accept that fact yet. So how can I hide it if I put it out in the open? Then people can see my sin and judge it for what it is.

in your prayers

Over the weekend, my cousin's wife, Breena, had a miscarriage. We didn't know that they were pregnant (I don't think they had told anyone yet). Breena has had some unusual bleeding as well, so she is in the hospital right now. From what I understand she will probably be okay physically, but if you think of them this next week please pray for them. My cousin's name is Keith. They have only been married about two years and they are both very young (Keith is only a year older than me). Also, I believe they were overseas when this happened so it's not like they have the comfort of their family or regular doctors around them. So anyway, your prayers would be appreciated.
Also, I just found out my grandpa (my dad's dad) is going in for some heart tests this Thursday. He needs heart surgery so these tests are going to determine how they are going to go forward with that. So he and my grandma will be staying with us Thursday night. He is also showing the beginning stages of Alzheimer's so my dad and aunt are going to talk to his doctor about that as well.
So you can pray for him, (his name is Jack) his wife Barbara, my dad, my aunt Melinda, uncle Steve, and aunt Diane (those are all of his kids, and Diane is Keith's mom, so I'm sure she is very overwhelmed right now).

(UPDATE: Actually, it turns out Breena was in England with her mom when this happened, so Keith isn't with her. Also she was released today so she is probably on a flight home by now.)

I think most people have stopped reading this since I am no longer a consistent (or interesting) poster. Oh well. I know Matt and Vicki read this so I am blogging for you guys!

Jeremy asked me to put up some art at work for our next showcase, so I think I will make some new stuff... I am thinking something aids related, maybe involving plaster like that hands thing I did for Ethnos. I like to make big statements with my paintings and I am kinda tight on cash right now, so I have no money for canvases.

Hmmmmm... something to think about.

Also, the other day when I signed on to facebook my profile had changed from "art institute" to "art institute alum", which I think is a sign that I need to go back to school, because if I had done a full course load all the way through I would have had my degre by now. I think. Either that or I messed up when I entered my grad date. Anyway, it is depressing, so tomorrow I am going to look into PSU.

This weekend the six of us went down to Brookings, OR for Jessica's wedding. Jessica is my brother's best friend/a family friend. It was fun but also tiring because there was a LOT of driving. I was glad to have a weekend off from work since I have had a bit of a cold and it gave me a chance to rest.
The wedding was fun and different from most weddings that I have been to. I have seen everything weddings-wise, from the whole shebang at the Old Church with a reception at the Benson, and then this. Jake and Jessica got married in the backyard of her grandparents' house. There were about 30 or 40 guests. The groomsmen wore white polo shirts and the groom himself wore a white collared shirt with the sleeves rolled up (no jacket). We all felt a little overdressed. The ceremony was about 15 minutes long, and included the wedding party walking in to the theme from Braveheart. Jessica walked in to "Something" by the Beatles, which I thought was actually a really cute choice.
Anyway, it was all really mellow and laid-back. I thought it was fun for them, and it was a fun wedding to attend...
On Sunday when we drove back, my family decided to stop at the Dunes so Matt could see them (he had never been to the Oregon Dunes before). We went on what was supposed to be a 2.2 mile walk and ended up being at least a 5 mile hike. It felt like much longer due to the fact that the trail wove in and out of the dunes. So you basically walk forever and feel like you are getting nowhere. No one had really brought the right clothes for the hike (I was wearing a wool coat) or any water, and most of us didn't want to go on a hike in the first place. So it was hot and miserable. We'll call this strike two for my mom's hiking books. The first one sent us on a "12" mile hike (it was actually 17).
Other than that not much is up, Matt is going to Quake this weekend up in Spokane so I picked up some shifts at work. And that's all that's going on with me.

good morning

This morning my dog pooed all over the kitchen floor. It smelled HORRIBLE.
I also don't understand how so much poo can fit in one little dog's body.