From the archives

Saturday, July 01, 2006

i want to slap my little sister. hard.
i don't think she realizes the entire world does not revolve around her. i hate how smart she is and how smoothly and carelessly she manipulates everyone around her. i wonder if she cares about anything besides herself. i would like to think she does but so far every single time i've given her the benefit of the doubt she lets me down.
like everyone.
it makes me sick to think how much i've tried to do for her the past week. she is such a liar.
it scares me how mad i am at her right now.

there is no part of me, no secret hidden place in the innermost depths of my soul, where i can even begin to fathom acting the way my siblings have been acting over the past couple of weeks. I CANNOT EVEN COMPREHEND IT. I cannot even comprehend actually responding to them in the way that I really want to. I am not so selfish that I am incapable of putting aside my own anger and letting them work through their shit.
because hey. IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.

but, seriously.
get the picture, guys.
we play as a team.
it doesn't work if you lie. or try and quit the game early.

A little over a year ago, I sat in my living room watching my parents sob into the wolvertons' arms. I was on the phone calling everyone who knew my brother, asking if they'd heard from him or knew where he'd be. In the back of my mind, I was trying to convince myself that my life would go on even if my brother's life had ended.
By some miracle, God in his unimaginable mercy did not allow my brother to take his life that night.
I have occasionally reflected back on that night with thankfulness, but I hate to remember it. It was the longest and worst night of my life. I have never been so afraid or hopeless. Even thinking about it right now brings me to tears because I can remember specific thoughts and moments where I felt like everything had been lost. My life was ruined; damaged; nothing would ever be the same.
On Saturday night I had a similar situation with my sister. And for the second time in a little over a year I found myself begging God for protection. Sobbing. Bargaining.
I don't know the extent of what the human heart can handle. I think I'm very close to my threshold. Because what you don't really think about is how losing someone to sin can be just as painful as if they were dead. In the past year I have lost my brother (and one of my best friends), my friend and pastor from childhood, and now I feel like I have lost my sister as well. I suppose there is still a chance for change, but it can be so hard to hope when life gives you no reason to.
I know I am going to be judged for saying what I am about to say, but I don't care. Whenever a Christian is suffering, they are told to read Job. For "perspective." Because no one's life can really be that bad compared to Job's, right? But when I read Job, I don't get perspective. My life doesn't seem any better in comparison. Sure, life could be worse. It absolutely could get worse than it is right now. But when I read Job I feel like I am reading my own prayers. There are many things that seem worse than what has happened to my family, and maybe they are, I don't know. But for me, life has hit me where it hurts the most and will do the most damage.

I am just looking for hope. I am beyond questioning God. I believe he has a plan and that all this, for some reason, is a part of his glory. I don't understand how and I've grown tired of asking that question, so I just won't. All I want is a little bit of hope. There's got to be more to life than this. I want to be able to see the good parts, too.