HAHAHA

My friend Kristin shared this story with me today... which is worth reading if you ever plan on having kids because it is hilarious (but beware the f-bombs). Anyway, this is my favorite quote:

Marlo's due date was June 14th, and nine days before then my mucous plug came out. In fact, I twittered about it, meaning I told the over one million people who follow me on twitter that a giant wad of snot came out of my vagina:

The fact that I knew that a million people would read about my mucous plug DID NOT STOP ME FROM WRITING ABOUT IT. This is what Jon has to live with. Please send him flowers.

Many people wrote to tell me that this meant I was going to give birth RIGHT THEN. Or at least within the hour, right? Maybe later that day? And then I didn't go into labor right then. Or even that day. Or even that week. And in the middle of all my positive visualization my Hamilton brain took over and started going, YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO GO INTO LABOR. Also, you're going to die. And your hair is ugly.

I had to physically push all these negative thoughts out of my brain because people were sending me stories about women who had gone, like, 18 days past their due date. 18! OH MY GOD! Can you even believe that? Men, you don't understand this, but that number is just incomprehensible. Because once you go A SINGLE DAY past your due date you are suddenly unable to count past one. What comes after that number? Nothing, right? Because I can't go another day. I cannot walk, and my face is retaining so much water that I cannot lift it off this pillow, it is so heavy. Wait, two? There's a number two? TWO?! THEY NEVER TAUGHT ME THAT IN KINDERGARTEN, THOSE BITCHES!

And suddenly you think, that's it, I'm going to be pregnant forever. Ask any woman who has ever been pregnant and they will tell you that they have had that thought. And then followed that thought with a giant bowl of chocolate ice cream. And then some uncontrollable flatulence.