Wellllll I am trying to kill some time... Matt is over at the Ketah's helping Dave with the house, and I am about to go grocery shopping sans baby.

Anyway... I don't really have much to blog about, but life is finally settling down for me and after a week of stay-at-home mothering I am beginning to understand what life will be like with a baby. So far this has been a pretty smooth adjustment for the most part. I have been lucky enough to (mostly) escape the baby blues. Sure, there have been a few trying moments and tears shed, but given all the crazy hormones, recovery from childbirth, and dealing with a newborn, I'm pretty sure our transition has been smoother than most. Also, it gets easier with every day and as I gain more confidence (and lose more of those crazy prego hormones).

Part of my speculation about parenthood was a fear that I would never have time for myself anymore (or Matt for that matter). The last few weeks have been pretty Kisa-centric, but already I am starting to think about my personal goals and interests, and how I can make time for things that are important to me. Matt and I have been talking about my returning to work: a decision that, initially (as in pre-baby), seemed like a no-brainer to me, but as time goes by is becoming more of a question mark than a certainty. I'm feeling extremely conflicted about working... there are very clear pros and cons. I feel like my job is an opportunity for me to have some independence from my family. It's not a job that I love, but I do like the people I work with (well... some of them, anyway), and I like getting out and socializing and having a place where I am not serving the role of wife/mother. (That sounds really negative and I don't mean it to sound like I don't absolutely LOVE being a wife/mom, but hopefully people understand the point that I am getting at.) I also really struggle with the idea of not contributing financially. I know that being a stay-at-home mom is a full-time (and exhausting) job, not to mention that parenting is valuable in and of itself. Still, having the opportunity to stay home with my child seems like an incredible luxury to me, almost to the point of laziness. I know that I am capable of working and being a wife and mother. So choosing to do less work than I know I am physically able to do... that bothers me.

On the other hand, the hardest part of returning to work would be that I would be leaving Matt and Kisa for a significant portion of the time that we should be spending as a family. Especially with Matt, I feel like my time with him is limited already and I hate the thought of limiting it even more... giving up an evening or weekend together to go to a job that is, really, just a job... and not a career. It's not even something that I really care about.

One thing I have discovered in the last few weeks is that parenthood has not destroyed my quality time with Matt like I feared it would. In fact, in a way it has almost made things better. I think when you have less time, you tend to make more of the time you do have. Plus, after a week of taking care of Kisa alone, I am so excited to have him home with us all weekend. Parenting involves so much teamwork (i.e. you hold the crying baby while I brush my teeth, and then we'll switch) that I find myself really thankful for him and I feel like we are a stronger team than we were before.

Anyway... that last paragraph probably seems like a direct contradiction of the one before it, but the point is, family time is really precious to me, and time alone with Matt is precious to me, and I don't want to cut into either of those things.

Okay, it's time to do some shopping.