So I had a revelation tonight as we were watching The Wrestler (which is a good movie by the way): it is ok for parents to not be perfect and to not have the answers all of the time because they are just people. After all, I am a parent and popping out a kid sure didn't make me perfect (although it did make me a little more mature). It seems obvious and simple, yet I realize how much I have expected of my parents (and other parents I have known). Now that I am a parent myself, I hope that my kid will be gracious and merciful when, inevitably, I am selfish and weak.

In other news, for any readers out there in the Real Simple club: they are selling one-year subscriptions on amazon for $5. That was not a typo, it's really $5. So go buy it.

I have discovered a new parenting trick. This is how it works: sit your baby in front of the tv, and then proceed with other household tasks.

Yes, I realize I will not be winning any parenting awards anytime soon. ;)

Mr. Fix-it

The other day I did something I never thought I would do, which was to write a honey-do list. Now that I spend so much time at home doing housewife-y things, the little annoyances around my house have turned into huge issues. The loose faucet in our kitchen aggravated me to no end. The doors to our laundry space didn't shut properly, and now that I open and close them several times a day (at least), it was driving me crazy. So I put together a list of my five most important small projects and handed it to Matt.

Now, I didn't mean that I expected him to do every single one of them immediately, but rather that when we find time to improve our house, these were my top priorities.

However, my super handy and helpful husband (yes, I meant to alliterate) did four out of five things within the next two hours. Including replacing our kitchen lightbulb, fixing the laundry room doors, repairing our busted toilet handle, and- yes!- tightening up our kitchen faucet. It probably would have been a lot easier if the toilet hadn't overflowed on him mid-fix, and if I hadn't broken the garbage disposal and flooded our kitchen with dirty cabbage water immediately after he was done (oops). He fixed that too.

So, it pretty much goes without saying that my husband is awesome, but I'll say it anyway.

So, this weekend Matt and I got to visit my friends Jon and Kristin who live up in the Seattle area. It was a long overdue trip, and it was just nice to get away for the weekend and have fun.

While we were up there we had the opportunity to visit their church, Eastlake. It's got a huge congregation (I think they said somewhere around 4-5k) and a big building, complete with parking attendants and even a cop to direct/supervise the traffic in and out of the area on Sundays. I believe they have three Sunday services. The one that we went to was certainly packed, I'm sure the others probably are, too.

It reminded me of the "glory days" of BCC-- where we'd park up at the middle school and ride the shuttle to the sanctuary to allow more room for visitors. I remember weaving in and out of the lobby, packed full of adults, trying to find my parents to get them home for lunch. (One of my biggest frustrations as a kid was how LONG it took to leave church after it was over. We used to joke that my mom and dad could only make it about 5 feet before they'd get sucked into another conversation. I felt like we were always some of the last people to leave.)

Anyway, it got me thinking. Eastlake was started on the same timeline as Ethnos, yet they now have 4,000 members and we have 40. What makes one church succeed and another struggle? I could point to a lot of differences between the two, but the core actually seemed the same. The entire sermon was about valuing each others experiences and connecting, openly and honestly, with those around us. You could tell that what people valued most at Eastlake, and at Ethnos, was the community they were a part of. Both places feel like a place you can be honest and be loved for who you are.

So. What is it? I love Ethnos, the people and the values we have set in front of us. I believe in these things, and that is why Matt and I have stuck by these people throughout the past several years. But, it is sad to see us held back, and I'm not confident that I know the reason why. This Friday Eastlake is having a baptism service/celebration. A whole service just for all the baptisms! It has been more than a year since we have had a baptism at Ethnos. I want us to be growing and having an impact on the community around us.

Anyway, I am thinking about that today.

I had such a productive day today. I cleaned my entire house (meaning I comet-ed the toilet bowls and mopped the floor and the whole shebang. I have found that keeping my house clean is a lot harder now that I have a baby. It is still tidy almost all of the time, although I know that is going to change. But finding the time and energy to actually CLEAN is a whole other story) I got a haircut, I cooked dinner, I worked on Rezdex (sidenote-- GOT MY FIRST PAYCHECK TODAY! YAY!), I did like 4 loads of laundry, I ran errands for myself and for Matt, and Kisa and I hung out and had quality time.

I feel soooooo much better already, it is unbelievable.

:)

2 good things

Yay! This evening a man from the doctor's office called me (a full day earlier than expected) to give me the result of my TSH test. So it's true, I have somehow developed the thyroid issues of a woman more than twice my age. However at this point I really do not care, I am just glad that I will hopefully be feeling better soon!

Originally the doctor had said I would have to wait until next week to get any medication (after meeting with my PCP) but she just went ahead and ordered me up a prescription so I can get started as quickly as possible. I assume this was probably because of just how low my TSH levels actually were. I mean really, it is just ridiculous that an otherwise healthy 22 year old woman would develop such a sudden and severe problem like that. Perhaps its been coming on for a while now and I've just attributed it to pregnancy/new parenthood. Who knows. Who cares. They are going to fix it and I can go back to being myself. Hooray!

Good thing #2: Matt and I are going up to Seattle tomorrow to visit my BFF and her husband for the first time ever since they got married (almost two years ago... yeah, I'm kind of a bad friend :/). Actually right now the thought of packing and driving all the way up there sounds really exhausting, but I'm really looking forward to seeing her and I'm hoping that maybe getting my medication tomorrow will help me feel a little better and more energetic! We'll see.

I might kind of be a fan of my sister's new boyfriend, despite my dislike/general distrust for most of the people she dates. Last night I overhead him asking my dad's permission to take her to an apologetics conference. So at the very least he knows how to drive and woo her family members.

Natalie Mulkey is a genius.

I am thankful for my friend Natalie, for a great many reasons but one of them being that she always has good advice. When I was pregnant she gave me all kinds of tips about how to combat my morning sickness and I was sooooooooo grateful to her for that.

Well, on Sunday she and I were discussing my health (aka how I have been feeling crappy for a couple of weeks now). She mentioned that sometimes women can develop thyroid issues after having babies. This is the first suggestion that has made sense to me because I have had no other symptoms besides a headache and fatigue. So, I finally went to the doctor to get checked out, and the doctor is pretty much positive that that's what's up.

While I'm not super thrilled about having to wait even longer to feel better (it will take a few days to get my test results and get in to see my primary care physician, and then a few weeks to fine-tune my medication) I am relieved that I probably know what's wrong and can now address it. It is very defeating to feel like you are doing everything in your power to take care of yourself and still feel like your body is trying to shut down. So, hooray for seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

A long post concerning my feelings about abortion, etc.

I have been deeply engaging/praying about an idea that was brought to the forefront of my mind a couple of weeks ago. I was driving home from the grocery store and I saw this bumper sticker on the car in front of me: "Be a Voice for Choice: Every Child a Wanted Child".

I have always had my own thoughts and opinions about abortion, and at times in my life I have held these opinions with varying degrees of fervor. However, when I read this bumper sticker, my eyes immediately welled up with tears and I felt nauseous. It was like all of the emotions of the past year of my life came tumbling out right then and there, and I could barely keep it together. I don't know if I could describe it in a way that would be understood, but I will do my best because I have finally been awakened to the profound change God has brought about in me.

First of all, let me say that I am not what would be defined as "Pro-Life" in the political sense, and it's been years since I made that decision. It's not because I don't value the lives of the unborn, in fact, I place few things in life with such high priority. Rather, it is because of my own firm beliefs regarding my role in society as a believer and the role of our government. First off, I don't believe that the government has the right to pass laws regarding personal morality. There are many things that take place in the world out there that I don't agree with, and these things are the result of sin and depravity, and also a result of the freewill granted by our Father. I do believe that this freewill has a purpose, and though I sometimes would like to reach into others lives and make their decisions for them, that was never His design. So, I fundamentally disagree with forcing my moral values on others through government. (This is the conclusion I have come to after much study and prayer. I realize a lot of people out there will disagree and have Biblical support for their stance, and I am happy to hear it. I don't think there is just one way to integrate faith into your life, but for me, this is what I believe.)

The second reason I believe this with such strength is that I simply do not believe politics are the answer. I have seen too many Christians sit back and let their ballot be their only method of combating the evil in our world. If you REALLY believe abortion is wrong, what difference does it make to fill in a circle on a page? I think that too often we think of our political stance as our primary weapon in a moral battle. The reality is, we are simply commissioning others to do the work we are unwilling to do ourselves. And this, to me, is just as evil. Politics have made no progress in turning people to Christ because THAT IS NOT THE GOAL. I think we, as Christians, need to stand up for our own ideas, not behind the shield of senators and representatives and presidents we "agree" with but clad in the armor of the Holy Spirit.

All of that being said, I have been struggling lately with what my response should be to the Pro-Life/Pro-Choice debate. How do I support mothers of "unwanted" (or rather, unplanned) children? Or how do I support the children? I feel like it would be hypocrisy for me to say that I feel strongly and yet personally have no involvement.

I will get to my thoughts in a minute, but first I just want to say something else for the record. I know what it is like to experience an unplanned pregnancy. It is one of the scariest things life can throw at you. I realize I am saying that as a woman in a healthy marriage with a wonderful and loving support system, so I can only imagine how women feel when there are other variables involved: finances, single parenthood, teenage parenthood, no support system, even rape. I know that I don't understand those situations, and I don't claim to. All I know is that the women who choose life for their babies in the midst of these difficult situations are heroes, and they should be celebrated.

I do understand what it feels like, though, to find out you are pregnant when it's the last thing in life that you want. To be honest, the day I found out that I was pregnant with Kisa was the worst day of my life. I have a tendency to minimize pain in retrospect, but I have made a point to try to remember my feelings about that because I believe God allowed me to experience them for a reason. I think the pain that Matt and I went through was for a purpose, and even that, apart from the changes of parenthood, has made a lasting imprint on who I am.

Obviously, I see things differently from the other side of pregnancy. I have changed dramatically, from the things I value in life to my goals for the future, and even my passions and interests. But I do remember the person I used to be, and how that person used to feel about the world. I don't think it's presumptious for me to say that I probably experienced a lot of what other women experience when they find out about unplanned pregnancies. So, really, I understand. I understand what it's like to feel the cascade of your well-planned life coming down around you. I understand what it's like to hope for, or even pray for, a miscarriage so things don't have to change. I know the surge of adrenaline that tells you that you can't do this, that it is a mistake, that there's got to be something you can do to go back in time and pretend it never happened. I know how it takes weeks, even months, for that feeling to fade. I have watched dreams crumble, or seen walls built up around them so high that they seem impossible to scale. I would not wish that pain upon anyone. I would hope that every woman would be able to experience the sweetness of pregnancy without the bitterness of sacrifice. But that is just unrealistic. We live in a world where, for the first time, we can actually MAKE the decision whether or not to have children, and when that decision is yanked from us, it feels like a severe injustice. Perhaps that is our own coloring of the situation, but I will not deny that the pain and the fear is very, very real.

I believe all of this had a purpose in my life, and whether or not I planned her, Kisa is here and she has been one of the most beautiful gifts that a gracious God has ever bestowed on me. I also know that someday her husband will thank God for bringing her into this world in the same way that I thank God for creating Matt, and for entrusting him to Russ and Vicki, who were faithful to love him and raise him in truth.

So the question has been raised: where do I go from here? I understand how abortion can seem like a reasonable choice in a broken and sinful world. I honestly don't judge the women who consider it as an option, because were it not for my husband and my faith, I probably would have, too. In a different circumstance, I hope that I would have made the same choice, but I honestly don't know.

I have been kicking around some thoughts on the topic, and asking God for his guidance as I consider how to turn these passions into ministry. I spoke before about the pain I endured having a purpose, and I believe this is it. I believe God means for me to have direct involvement with mothers and babies of unplanned pregnancies. What that looks like, I don't yet know. Maybe it means I will volunteer with some local NPOs, like the PRC. Or maybe it means something more dramatic, like adoption.

It's odd that in my life I have tried to leave everything open to God's direction, except family planning. For some reason I have always considered that to be my choice (i.e. I will have a baby, or have more babies, when- or IF- I am ready). Well, God pretty much blew that up in my face, and I'm glad He did. It is weird to try to consider God's plan for my family. Does he want us to have more children? Does he want us to adopt? When do we know we are done having children? I am starting to understand how people get to the "quiver full" idea. I do believe that kids are a blessing, and I fully intend to have as many as God wants me to have. Right now it seems scary to think about, or talk about, continuing to grow our family, and, Lord willing, we are hoping to take a break for a while. But the question lingers in my mind. What does He want for us, and how do we obey?

In the meantime, my heart is beginning to be drawn to the idea of adoption. Maybe for Matt and I, or maybe just as a concept that I throw time and energy into supporting. We will have to see what the future brings, and see if God leads Matt's heart in the same direction.

Either way, I feel like a new world has been opened to me, one that I have never before considered. I think that God wants me here, engaging this topic, and I am doing my best to be faithful and continue in humility and prayer so I can follow wherever He leads.

It feels unfair that over a week has gone by and I STILL have a major headache and I'm STILL so tired that this afternoon (after a cup of coffee, mind you) I took a nap ON THE FLOOR (the floor I have not vacuumed in... oh, I don't know how long) in front of Kisa's swing so that I wouldn't have to rouse myself and walk over there to put her binky back in her mouth if it happened to fall out.

That was kind of a run on sentence, but oh well. At least most of the stuff in that paragraph is spelled correctly, although exhausted has taken a toll on my punctuation.

Seriously though, if you know me you know I am a complete pansy when it comes to headaches. I hate them, and the most minor headache makes me feel like I am going to implode imminently. I would rather throw up all day than have a headache all day.

In other news, I am looking forward to relaxing all weekend, because hopefully I will feel better after a little R & R.

Since Matt updated his blog, I guess I should too...

Thank you all for pointing out my hypocrisy.

In other news, I have discovered a slight down side to working from home.

When your home is also your office, it can start to feel a little bit like you are always on the clock. Between the two jobs I work, my baby, and taking care of basic household responsibilities (cooking/cleaning/laundry/errands), I have discovered that I can go an entire day with almost no down time. Surprisingly, I have discovered that I am NOT the type of person who struggles to motivate herself when unmonitored (I would have guessed this about myself). Rather, I struggle with sitting still or resting when it feels like there is always something I have to get done.

I have not been feeling well the past few days, and I'm not entirely sure why. It could be the changing of the seasons (I have historically had a difficult time adjusting to the winter months). It could be lack of sleep, although I feel the amount of sleep I get is generally reasonable, so I'm not sure that's it. It could be that I am feeling overworked or overwhelmed. It could be that I am coming down with something. It could be that I have had a bad reaction to the flu shot I got last week. There are so many possibilities. Regardless, I have been feeling pretty wiped out, and that's made me rethink the patterns I've fallen into over the past month.

So, in a renewed attempt to take care of myself and thus be a better wife/mother/employee, I have decided to enforce some general rules for my "work day". Like, for instance, coffee breaks and lunch breaks. Which means setting aside about 45 minutes of my day to stop working (and not because my baby just woke up and I have to feed/change her). But just to enjoy my meal and have a little bit of unstructured quiet time for myself.

So we'll see how that works out.
(And yes, I typed this during my first ever self-imposed lunch break)