I am feeling really blessed right now that my husband isn't going into surgery tonight. I was so anxious about that likelihood that I haven't been able to think straight for the last several days, and literally after our appointment yesterday I felt like a physical burden had been lifted off my body. Then every time I get too excited I have to remember that Matt is still facing a long and difficult road to recovery.

Matt's mom has terrible arthritis in her knees, which started in her early forties. I always knew there was a potential for Matt to get arthritis too, since it has a strong genetic link. Our doctor basically assured us of that yesterday, making a comment to the effect of "a total knee replacement will be in the cards for you, but don't worry about that because that's years from now".

I don't know, I can't hear something like that and not worry. Especially since it just doesn't seem like as far away as the doctor seems to think. Even when Matt is 50 I will still only be 46, which is just way too young to have limited mobility or be looking at a knee replacement. That's less than 25 years from now.

I suppose that is just my nature, to worry about things 20+ years down the road, but this injury has definitely been a wake up call in terms of thinking long-term about taking care of ourselves. I know my family has a high risk for diabetes, so I try to eat well and control my weight (except for the occasional giant marshmallow). I think maybe we will have to be diligent about caring for Matt's joints (especially knees) in the same way going forward.

Anyway, I put Kisa in her crib hoping she would go back to sleep and no such luck. I can hear her playing in there. Time to actually be a parent...

I feel like this latest season of life has been a lot of trading one trial for another. I suppose that is a really pessimistic way of looking at things, but as I logged in to type this blog I was looking at the one below it. Less than a week ago I was so relieved to have finally cleared the hurdle of our latest sleep troubles, and here we are again smack dab in the middle of another Predicament. This is the detailed account of Matt's knee injury and what's going on with him. Not going to recount it because most of you know and if not, and you are reading this, then you are fully capable of clicking the link and seeing for yourself.

Anyway, I am someone who does well (generally speaking) under pressure. I can buckle down and get my nose to the grindstone and get things done. I'm not going to make any promises about being wonderful to be around while I'm workhorsing it up, but I do have a high capacity.

The thing about pressure is, it is usually short-lived, which is what makes that high capacity possible. I feel like most people could do pretty much anything for a finite time period. With this recent injury we are still unsure how long Matt will be bed/couch -ridden, but the general diagnosis has been 6+ weeks. That number just sounds so exhausting and the uncertainty of the + in there (we heard today it could be more like 8-10) is difficult to stomach. What IF it is more like 10 weeks? What if it's longer? We still don't know the full extent of what's wrong with him, so there is that question looming.

I have been vacillating the last couple of days between feeling super overwhelmed and then feeling borderline ridiculous for being such a mess. Because if you look at the facts, it just seems really weak for me to lose it over a couple of months of an alternate schedule. After all, there are single moms who do this PLUS work a job all the time, and I'm sure they don't have people offering to watch their kids or bring them meals constantly. Our family and friends have already been extremely helpful, and I'm sure they will continue to be so.

I think a lot of it is just emotional fallout from an intense weekend (Matt's injury, ethnos announcment, etc) and me trying to cope with that in the midst of everyday life sans husband/assistant. I am really feeling pretty anxious about the possibility (more like probability) that he will be having surgery, for a whole host of reasons I don't want to go into. Suffice it to say that although I want him to heal as quickly as possible, I would really love it if general anesthesia wasn't necessary.

On a happier note, Kisa has been a trooper yesterday and today. I wasn't able to be with her for most of the days both these days, and she was great for the grandparents and took naps well, as well as settling down much easier at bedtime the last two nights after readjusting to her home sleeptime schedule. Our new routine involves elmo before naps and bedtime, and that seems to do the trick for her. She watches until she is tired (usually 15-30 min), and then she can indicate when she wants to go to sleep. I am sure this won't work forever, but I am pretty happy to have discovered it for the time being- it gives me a chance to pick up the house and for her to wind down a little so that there is more of a transition from playtime to sleep time. I'm guessing when she gets a little older we can replace this with storytime (hasn't worked thus far), which is something I'm looking forward to as a parent.

It just struck me as I read over this post that Kisa is due for a check-up in the next couple of weeks. Sigh... adding that to my task list.

Sleep Troubles: an update

Well, I am crossing my fingers as I type this (not literally, cause that would make it too hard to type) but it appears Kisa has gotten the hang of our new sleeptime routine and forgotten the trauma of a couple weeks ago. (See picture.)

I have been working on transitioning Kisa away from her morning nap. I was sad to see it go, because that was my morning exercise time, but the rest of her naps and her bedtime were suffering, so something had to be done.

After a couple of weeks of working on this new schedule, I am happy to announce that Kisa has returned to the days of not hating her crib with a passion. The past few days she has played happily in her crib until tiring herself out enough to fall asleep. She does this for afternoon nap time and even last night at bed time. She is still having a rough time with night waking, so we'll have to continue to work on that.

A bonus of eliminating the morning nap is that she is now sleeping in later most days, which I don't mind ONE BIT.

I am feeling thankful to have weathered this stretch of parenting (which I did NOT enjoy), and a little more confident and hopeful that I am moving in a direction that works for my child. I'm not exactly sure where to go from here to help her continue to improve her sleeping habits, but I have some ideas and things I'd like to try.

I have more updates to post (things that aren't baby-related), but those will have to wait for another day!

You know what I really hate? Unsolicited advice. And boy, you sure do get a lot of it as a parent. It seems like from the second that baby bump starts to show there are people crawling out of the woodwork telling you how to do this or that. I can only hope that this gets better with the second child (if we have one). I would think that at some point people must assume you at least somewhat know what you are doing.

Recently, Matt and I were at Target when we heard a kid a few aisles away having a total meltdown. The mother, clearly at the end of her rope, was hissing (as discreetly as possible but through gritted teeth) something along the lines of, "Stop it. RIGHT NOW. Or you will get a spanking."

Then, from across the aisle, another woman, without children, has the GALL to shout (loud enough for everyone to hear and with a full measure of sarcasm): "Yeah! Intimidation. That'll make the kid stop crying."

I cocked my head and turned to look at her, slack-jawed, then looked back at Matt and said (not quietly, since we're obviously past basic politeness at this point) "Umm, did that really just happen? Who the hell does she think she is?"

Apparently, Target is the place for parenting confrontations too, since a friend of mine told me that on a recent trip there a woman got up in her face with "It's called a child leash-- get one" in reference to her adorable (albeit spirited) 18-month-old daughter.

Now, I understand that when it comes to parenting, we all have our opinions, and they are strong ones. And I do my fair share of actually soliciting advice, because I KNOW there are moms and dads out there who have been where I am and have some good answers to my questions. However, the lady in the grocery store who disapproves a little too loudly of my daughter's pacifier or the acquaintance who raises their eyebrow when you mention co-sleeping... these I could do without.

As I get older and accumulate more life experience, I am finding myself biting my tongue (or kicking myself afterward... if the tongue-biting didn't work) often, catching myself dumping some unsolicited advice on others. Usually, the others are my siblings, or really anyone who roams into my sphere of influence and seems not to have encountered the same obstacles in life that I have. I'm trying to remember, every time I catch myself doing this, how much it makes my blood boil when someone does it to me.

(If you're wondering why I'm blogging at midnight, it's because I can't sleep... which I blame on an overabundance of sleep the past few days, a problem I haven't had in God knows how long, but am unceasingly grateful for right now.)

EDIT: Something I meant to add when I published this post, but forgot, is this: I am also working on explaining myself and my actions to others. And by that I mean not doing it. When someone questions my parenting choices, I feel the need to defend or explain. Why? I am confident in the choices I have made for my family, and no one really needs to understand them but me, Matt, and (hopefully, but not necessarily) Kisa. So when someone criticizes something that I do differently, I am trying to fight back the urge to explain myself, because 1) it perpetuates the cycle of forcing opinions on others and 2) it communicates that I am unsure or that I appreciate the intrusion, which I do not!

Almost every day of my life I feel like I add something to my list of "what not to do to others". As time goes by I am learning how to be a better wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend, and (someday) aunt, grandma, and mother-in-law. Hopes I remember this stuff when I get there!

We have had (are having) an incredible weekend.

Yesterday, after sleeping in until 9:15 (thanks Kisa!) we walked Kisa up to the Beaverton Library fountain for one of her first kid-centric excursions. She hated the fountain, but Matt and I had a pretty good time cooling ourselves off and watching the other kids going nuts. We had forgotten about the farmer's market, so we walked through all the booths, picked up some lunch and some fresh raspberries and plenty of free samples. It was a nice surprise and a relaxing summer morning, and when we got home Kisa passed out. The only downside was that in my flurry to pack up all the baby gear, dress and sunscreen the kid, etc. I forgot to wear sunscreen myself. Ouch :(

Yesterday afternoon we took Kisa to my parents' for an overnight and Matt and I picked up some Thai food and finished off the day with take-out, Lost, and some mixed drinks. We stayed up late and turned the volume way, way up on our TV. I'm sure it doesn't sound exciting to most of you non-parents, but it was awesome.

This morning we slept in again until 9:15. It is crazy how after a couple of nights of really great sleep, my morning coffee seemed not only optional, but almost unnecessary. I can't stress how dependent I am on caffeine on a day-to-day basis. A couple of days these past weeks I have had THREE cups of coffee in one day... so it was weird to actually feel well-rested and cheerful this morning. I cleaned my whole house (showers, toilets, the whole nine) and spent 30 minutes doing my hair. (side note: last time I got my hair cut, I told my hairdresser that I am a mom to an infant and that I needed something that would be simple. She gave me an amazing haircut that requires 30 MINUTES worth of primping to look good. Who has 30 minutes to spend on their hair every day? [Don't answer that- I will hate you])

I am alittlebitkindof missing Kisa right now, but more excited to zip in and out of the grocery store with Matt, which is about ten BILLION times easier than carrying in a baby and all her paraphernalia (had to look up how to spell that), and trying to intercept all the items she somehow gets a hold of and tosses into the cart, or on the floor, or what have you.

Anyway, I'm out... not gonna waste another second of my free time blogging. :)

I have good news to report!

Kisa is currently napping- IN HER CRIB- where she has been for about an hour now without waking up and throwing a tantrum. Hope?

Of course this is 99.99% due to the fact that I have to be somewhere right this minute, which for kids is the PRIME TIME to take a nice, solid, 12-hour nap.

Joys of Parenting

Whew. Today was my worst day of parenting in... well, forever. Or at least in the last 6 months. I can't rightly say because I don't really remember my first couple of months as a parent.

It all started a couple of days ago when we decided to try a "cry it out" method to hopefully help Kisa sleep better. She has never been a great sleeper, but she has been worse lately and by about 3 am every night (without fail) she ends up in our bed. It is around that time of night/early morning that I lose my resolve (and the concentration required to make good parenting choices). Thus the co-sleeping, which is not something that works.

It's not like she cries all night until 3 or anything like that. Actually, she sleeps well but usually wakes up once or twice. It just so happens that the one time she wakes up is in the middle of my deepest sleep cycle, and I cannot rouse myself to rock her back to sleep (or whatever it is she requires). I now think that this sudden bout of fussiness has to do with another possible tooth coming in, but we did not know this when we embarked on the following Ill-Fated Plan.

We have tried cry-it-out (henceforth referred to as CIO for all you non-parents) before but it has not been successful. I have blamed the majority of this on us for not being able to be consistent with it, but I think as a parent you can get a gut sense for when something isn't working for your kid, and maybe that is why we've had such a hard time sticking with it. That, and it is excruciating to listen to a baby scream for an hour. Or more.

So, we decided we would try this in the hopes that it would yield the promised results (your baby can sleep all night, they go to bed in their crib alone, they will be much happier and everyone will sleep better). NO SUCH LUCK. On Monday night, Kisa screamed for 90+ minutes before we gave in. And I mean SCREAMED. She screamed herself hoarse, she screamed until she threw up. She threw herself around in her crib. It was terrible.

On Tuesday night we went out for our anniversary and my parents watched her. They did not do CIO with her- smart move on their part.

Last night, Kisa cried for FOUR HOURS at bed time. I did not even know this was possible for a person to do-- and yes, this was with us going in to comfort her every 10 minutes. She would occasionally fall asleep for a minute or two only to wake up screaming her head off and starting the whole thing over again. We finally gave in around midnight when we simply couldn't take it anymore and didn't see an end in sight.

I decided that perhaps I would have more luck during the day. Kisa has been a notoriously great napper, and I rarely (if ever) have trouble putting her down for naps. She sleeps 3 hours a day, no problem.

Well. This morning I put her into her crib at 9 for her morning crib time/nap. She usually sleeps for 90 minutes in the morning. She screamed the whole time. I kept hoping she would settle down and sleep, but no. Let me tell you, I was sure thankful she had missed her morning nap when I later had to take her to the grocery store. I have never had such a terrible time running a simple errand. She fussed the whole time, tried to bang her head into the side of the shopping cart (her new tactic for getting out of situations that she does not like- she is too smart for her own good. Although I suppose she won't be for long if she continues with that behavior).

Oh well, afternoon nap should be much easier, right? WRONG. She screamed for another hour until I just gave up on naps altogether. I was so exhausted that I just let her sit in her swing watching Elmo until Matt came home.

I have never seen or experienced anything like what happened with Kisa today. She is usually so mellow, but this whole thing just proved to me that one-size-fits-all parenting straight up does NOT work. I truly believe that many, or most, other parents have had success with CIO, but I can now say with 100% certainty that it will not work for Kisa no matter how long we try. That kid is stubborn as a mule.

Matt is at band practice tonight, and I communicated to him that I was giving up on the Plan and sticking with what has been (mostly) working instead. I think Kisa will sleep through the night on her own eventually, but I think we will have a longer road to that milestone with this particular girl. I am okay with that. First and foremost I want to do what is best for my daughter, and sticking with a crazy sleeping plan that involves 8+ hours of crying in a day is NOT it. I will rock her 4 hours a day if I have to instead.

Anyway, guess what? Just put my daughter to bed and after rocking her for ONE MINUTE she is out cold. I will admit a small portion of that has to do with her being completely exhausted from her earlier shenanigans, but still. ONE MINUTE vs FOURS HOURS of crying (and still no sleep). Guess what wins?

You gotta love parenting. I'm glad today is over... hopefully tomorrow will be fantastic.