something to cheer you up

you can't NOT smile when you look at this picture.

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.
James A. Baldwin

The Complete Financial Guide For Young Couples

I picked up this book yesterday and it is really, really good. I know that probably sounds weird, but finances have been on my mind lately. I've never really had a reason to save or spend responsibly, and I tend to be a little impulsive. Sometimes I get into pretty minor debt, but I always pay it off as fast as I can and get back on track.
The reason why this hasn't landed me in (too much) trouble yet is that I don't have a lot of money to spend, and I (purposefully) do not own a credit card, so there's not really an opportunity for debt, as least not much of it. But I'm pretty bad at saving money.
Anyway, this is something I know I really need to work on because at some point I am going to have more money and the way I use it will matter to more than just me. From what I have seen poor finances can be a huge stressor and source of fighting in a marriage. And I don't want that for my family. So I figure I should start learning now so that when I get married I can do it right.
This book is really wise, and I think every couple who is planning on getting married should read it (together). It's a good pre-emptive measure. Plus it has already made me re-evaluate some of the things I've been thinking. The author is a Christian and he teaches a sound Biblical approach to managing money. It's not really anything I've heard before, but at the same time, it seems like common sense.
The author spends a lot of time talking about how (and why) opposites attract, and he paints a very beautiful picture of the "oneness" of marriage... how two people are designed so their strengths and weaknesses, when brought together, balance each other out. It makes me very thankful for Matt because he is very organized and responsible when it comes to most things, especially finances, and it is a good check for me.

Anyway, all of that to say, I really like this book. It is helpful, and it is interesting to read. So I recommend it.

I mentioned that lately I'm trying to pay closer attention to the good marriages I see. But in the last couple weeks I have been reminded that I can learn from others' struggles as well- if I am attentive to them. So I am actively disciplining myself in areas where I know my weakness will damage my relationship. As a pre-emptive measure of my own.

school

Finished my last class on Thursday and now I'm taking a break. That means I'll be picking up more hours at work and hanging out with my friends who are home for the summer (or for small parts of it). I was almost certain that I was in trouble this term, but I managed to pull through finals week and maintain my GPA. So that's good.

I'm taking tomorrow off and I think I'll get up in the morning and go for a run. We'll see.

"Processing things in community" isn't all it's cracked up to be. It depends on people either all being on the same page or being understanding of someone who isn't. And of course these is pressure to "be real" with people but for what purpose? So others can judge the validity of your feelings or so that you can hear them repeated to people you would not have chosen to tell them to?
Where there is even the slightest opportunity for judgement or gossip, people will take it.
All of this to say, I really don't feel like sharing anything with anyone right now. I'm pretty much done.

There's this theory called the James-Lange Theory of Emotion. What it says, basically, is that your brain learns how to interpret feelings based on how your body is responding. That sudden drop in your stomach that tells you you're feeling anxious... or the tears running down your face that tell you you're sad... those are examples.
The other part of the theory is that you can control your emotions by controlling your body. Smile and stand up straight, and eventually you'll feel happier. Or lie in bed and mope around all day and you'll feel depressed.
My body tells me I don't want to feel better. I want to remain anxious and angry and afraid. But my mind tells me I need to move on. I need to get things done. I have a life that I need to tackle today, a project I need to finish, and a final to study for. I can't afford to be anxious or distracted.
So I am making a concious effort for the following things: to be focused. To work hard, even though I don't feel like I can. To forgive what I can (or move in that direction).
It's like putting a smile on my face and waiting for the happiness to follow. I guess I'm putting a lot of faith in the hope that it will.

Yesterday I hung out with Matt the entire day. We mostly just stayed at his apartment, cleaning and organizing stuff. It looks really nice. Also we vaccumed up enough hair to comprise an entire Zeus. That cat sheds like crazy. I wore a black shirt and by the end of the day I looked like a giant grey hairball.
It was nice to just relax after such a stressful week. I basically bawled my eyes out every day last week and by Friday I was really getting tired of it. And also dehydrated.
It was a blessing to be able to just hang out, have fun and enjoy each others' company. I'm really glad he's around, because he's pretty much the only thing that's keeping me sane right now.

Job 7:11-20 (NLT)

I am tired and there is no end in sight
God, I just want to run

Tonight Matt and I spent some time with the Rameys. It was weird-- a response to all of the things that have happened. Or that's what it was going in. It turned into something else, and that was weird. Sometimes you find yourself saying something and you think, where did that come from? And why didn't I recognize/articulate that earlier? Today was one of those days.
Anyway, on the way home I listened to this song on the radio, and it really means nothing about this current situation, but it just felt good to listen to this at this moment. I don't really expect anyone to understand what I'm talking about, I am just talking, after all.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

I didn't sleep that well. Mostly because of the thunderstorm, but also because I feel nauseous.
And hopeless. I have built up some role models over the past few years. My parents, the Rameys, the Wolvertons, the Fergusons, the Lewises (my aunt and uncle)... to name a few. I have watched them all closely for many years.
Since Matt and I have started dating, I have paid even closer attention. How do they speak to each other? Or about each other? What do they do together? Do I see them argue? How do they support each other, what does that look like?
The thing is, I really want to get married someday, and when I do, I want it to be strong and healthy and beautiful. I want a relationship like the one my parents have. Or rather, I need that kind of relationship because failure is not an option. And I desperately, desperately want to be happy, and to be the best wife I possibly can be. I want to honor God and honor my husband. I want to be the one who helps him realize his dreams. I want to know how to build him up and support him and love him and I want us to grow closer together and closer to Christ.
I am absolutely terrified of messing this up. So I watch people. I watch people who I think have good, strong, healthy marriages and I try to figure out what makes them that way. And despite all the bad marriages that are out there, that I have seen, I have never felt truly scared of getting married until now.

let the torture end!

I desperately miss my friends. They have been gone since February and I haven't even spoken with them since then (except for an occasional e-mail or text). It seems like a ton has happened. Kristin got engaged, I started dating Matt (which I guess is small in comparison but it feels very big to me), and Becky has been living in an immersion program in Argentina where she is only allowed to speak in Spanish! Brianna ended school a few weeks ago but she has been touring with a theater troupe since then, so I have not gotten to see her yet.
Anyway, it is finally June, and that means they are coming home, one right after the other (literally). So now I am just counting down the days:
June 23- Kristin
June 24- Becky
June 25- Brianna

Yay! I hope this month passes quickly.