A long post concerning my feelings about abortion, etc.

I have been deeply engaging/praying about an idea that was brought to the forefront of my mind a couple of weeks ago. I was driving home from the grocery store and I saw this bumper sticker on the car in front of me: "Be a Voice for Choice: Every Child a Wanted Child".

I have always had my own thoughts and opinions about abortion, and at times in my life I have held these opinions with varying degrees of fervor. However, when I read this bumper sticker, my eyes immediately welled up with tears and I felt nauseous. It was like all of the emotions of the past year of my life came tumbling out right then and there, and I could barely keep it together. I don't know if I could describe it in a way that would be understood, but I will do my best because I have finally been awakened to the profound change God has brought about in me.

First of all, let me say that I am not what would be defined as "Pro-Life" in the political sense, and it's been years since I made that decision. It's not because I don't value the lives of the unborn, in fact, I place few things in life with such high priority. Rather, it is because of my own firm beliefs regarding my role in society as a believer and the role of our government. First off, I don't believe that the government has the right to pass laws regarding personal morality. There are many things that take place in the world out there that I don't agree with, and these things are the result of sin and depravity, and also a result of the freewill granted by our Father. I do believe that this freewill has a purpose, and though I sometimes would like to reach into others lives and make their decisions for them, that was never His design. So, I fundamentally disagree with forcing my moral values on others through government. (This is the conclusion I have come to after much study and prayer. I realize a lot of people out there will disagree and have Biblical support for their stance, and I am happy to hear it. I don't think there is just one way to integrate faith into your life, but for me, this is what I believe.)

The second reason I believe this with such strength is that I simply do not believe politics are the answer. I have seen too many Christians sit back and let their ballot be their only method of combating the evil in our world. If you REALLY believe abortion is wrong, what difference does it make to fill in a circle on a page? I think that too often we think of our political stance as our primary weapon in a moral battle. The reality is, we are simply commissioning others to do the work we are unwilling to do ourselves. And this, to me, is just as evil. Politics have made no progress in turning people to Christ because THAT IS NOT THE GOAL. I think we, as Christians, need to stand up for our own ideas, not behind the shield of senators and representatives and presidents we "agree" with but clad in the armor of the Holy Spirit.

All of that being said, I have been struggling lately with what my response should be to the Pro-Life/Pro-Choice debate. How do I support mothers of "unwanted" (or rather, unplanned) children? Or how do I support the children? I feel like it would be hypocrisy for me to say that I feel strongly and yet personally have no involvement.

I will get to my thoughts in a minute, but first I just want to say something else for the record. I know what it is like to experience an unplanned pregnancy. It is one of the scariest things life can throw at you. I realize I am saying that as a woman in a healthy marriage with a wonderful and loving support system, so I can only imagine how women feel when there are other variables involved: finances, single parenthood, teenage parenthood, no support system, even rape. I know that I don't understand those situations, and I don't claim to. All I know is that the women who choose life for their babies in the midst of these difficult situations are heroes, and they should be celebrated.

I do understand what it feels like, though, to find out you are pregnant when it's the last thing in life that you want. To be honest, the day I found out that I was pregnant with Kisa was the worst day of my life. I have a tendency to minimize pain in retrospect, but I have made a point to try to remember my feelings about that because I believe God allowed me to experience them for a reason. I think the pain that Matt and I went through was for a purpose, and even that, apart from the changes of parenthood, has made a lasting imprint on who I am.

Obviously, I see things differently from the other side of pregnancy. I have changed dramatically, from the things I value in life to my goals for the future, and even my passions and interests. But I do remember the person I used to be, and how that person used to feel about the world. I don't think it's presumptious for me to say that I probably experienced a lot of what other women experience when they find out about unplanned pregnancies. So, really, I understand. I understand what it's like to feel the cascade of your well-planned life coming down around you. I understand what it's like to hope for, or even pray for, a miscarriage so things don't have to change. I know the surge of adrenaline that tells you that you can't do this, that it is a mistake, that there's got to be something you can do to go back in time and pretend it never happened. I know how it takes weeks, even months, for that feeling to fade. I have watched dreams crumble, or seen walls built up around them so high that they seem impossible to scale. I would not wish that pain upon anyone. I would hope that every woman would be able to experience the sweetness of pregnancy without the bitterness of sacrifice. But that is just unrealistic. We live in a world where, for the first time, we can actually MAKE the decision whether or not to have children, and when that decision is yanked from us, it feels like a severe injustice. Perhaps that is our own coloring of the situation, but I will not deny that the pain and the fear is very, very real.

I believe all of this had a purpose in my life, and whether or not I planned her, Kisa is here and she has been one of the most beautiful gifts that a gracious God has ever bestowed on me. I also know that someday her husband will thank God for bringing her into this world in the same way that I thank God for creating Matt, and for entrusting him to Russ and Vicki, who were faithful to love him and raise him in truth.

So the question has been raised: where do I go from here? I understand how abortion can seem like a reasonable choice in a broken and sinful world. I honestly don't judge the women who consider it as an option, because were it not for my husband and my faith, I probably would have, too. In a different circumstance, I hope that I would have made the same choice, but I honestly don't know.

I have been kicking around some thoughts on the topic, and asking God for his guidance as I consider how to turn these passions into ministry. I spoke before about the pain I endured having a purpose, and I believe this is it. I believe God means for me to have direct involvement with mothers and babies of unplanned pregnancies. What that looks like, I don't yet know. Maybe it means I will volunteer with some local NPOs, like the PRC. Or maybe it means something more dramatic, like adoption.

It's odd that in my life I have tried to leave everything open to God's direction, except family planning. For some reason I have always considered that to be my choice (i.e. I will have a baby, or have more babies, when- or IF- I am ready). Well, God pretty much blew that up in my face, and I'm glad He did. It is weird to try to consider God's plan for my family. Does he want us to have more children? Does he want us to adopt? When do we know we are done having children? I am starting to understand how people get to the "quiver full" idea. I do believe that kids are a blessing, and I fully intend to have as many as God wants me to have. Right now it seems scary to think about, or talk about, continuing to grow our family, and, Lord willing, we are hoping to take a break for a while. But the question lingers in my mind. What does He want for us, and how do we obey?

In the meantime, my heart is beginning to be drawn to the idea of adoption. Maybe for Matt and I, or maybe just as a concept that I throw time and energy into supporting. We will have to see what the future brings, and see if God leads Matt's heart in the same direction.

Either way, I feel like a new world has been opened to me, one that I have never before considered. I think that God wants me here, engaging this topic, and I am doing my best to be faithful and continue in humility and prayer so I can follow wherever He leads.