SUCCESS... almost!

Today was a very satisfying day. We have our sacred space meetings on Tuesday mornings which are always encouraging. Sometimes, I feel a little bit dumb because I just sit there quietly the whole time. Usually at the end Paul will all of a sudden be like, "So Ciara, you've been quiet, what do you think?" That is everyone's cue to lean in towards me a little and wait while I stutter "Uhhh... I wasn't really... ummm... I agree with you..." haha. I find that among such intelligent people, it is so beneficial to just be silent.
Also, I had a really good conversation with Paul today. He is a smart, smart dude. One thing he said to me that I REALLY appreciated was that he respected me for coming to Ethnos, since my parents are there. It adds a completely new and confusing dimension to our relationship. Sometimes I don't want to tell my parents stuff because I am worried about how it will affect the church. Anyway, Paul basically told me that I shouldn't be worried aobut that. It is not my job to protect my parents from my relationships with other people. And they are the wise ones with the discernment to decide what is important church stuff and what is just Ciara stuff. So i shouldn't be limiting my relationship with them for the sake of church. That was a very good thing to hear. I felt a lot better after that.
When I came home, I spent the rest of the day working on my autobiographical trompe l'oeil. I am almost finished. I am pleasantly surprised at how well it is turning out. I have been painfully aware of my underdeveloped drawing abilities since I started at the Art Institute. And even though it is hard, it feels really good when I do something well. It takes a lot of time and practice.
I hope I get an A.

i feel at home, i'm making friends, but still...

i miss matt.
have i said that enough yet?
there is no one in the world as cool as my best friend...

heartbroken

last week i found out a bad secret about my boyfriend mike who died two years ago this april. i have made myself very busy so i won't think about it. it is awful.

pride and sensitivity

today someone hurt my feelings. i cried, but i didn't want to tell them they hurt my feelings because i thought they'd probably just think i was stupid. i've learned that the more you love people the easier it is for them to hurt you. sometimes i am scared to tell people just how much i love them because i'm worried they won't love me the same. when i am upset, i try to pretend like it doesn't matter to me so they won't know how much i care about them.
i think, maybe, one of my biggest fears is feeling stupid. i hate humiliation. i hate to be humbled. i like to lie and protect my pride. i think, maybe, this has made me kind of a crappy friend.
so today i told my friend they hurt my feelings and i told them that i loved them a lot, and i apologized for my share of our conversation (because maybe i hurt their feelings, too... i don't know). i think to them it wasn't a very big deal so i felt really, really stupid. but i am proud of myself for saying exactly how i felt.
(this might sound stupid but) on the topic of sensitivity, pastor justin is a really sensitive guy. but i really admire justin for speaking up when he is hurt, instead of bottling it up. whenever he is angry with me, or whatever, he always comes to me and says exactly what he thinks. i always know where i stand with justin, and i like that about him. i don't feel like he secretly harbors bitterness or like i could go away having hurt him without knowing it. he always gives me the chance to correct myself and apologize. i think it takes a lot of courage to lay everything out like that.
i'm a coward, and none of this comes easily to me, but i would like to communicate better with people. i would like to be less proud and not be so worried about protecting myself that i lose my loved ones because of it.
i feel stupid but i am proud of me for my honesty. only this time (i think) it is a good kind of pride.

P.S. On a lighter note, this is my favorite person in the whole world:

quickly, before I sleep...

I want to write about some things I can't write about online, which frustrates me. Just in this past week I have started journaling because of all the things I have going on in my head. I have six pages already for today. How did I manage to get so pensive?

Oh man. It's 2:15, and I need some sleep.

the hof.

Yesterday on her day off, Colie and I found the most amazing coffee shop a couple of blocks from our house. It's a german place-- with a name I cna't pronounce or remember-- something like, Feffenheisenbauershniphen Hof. (Okay, so I made that up, but it's kinda close to that). We are calling it the hof. The barista there, Amil, is probably my new favorite person. Yesterday we had a long conversation about literature. I collect books, Amil passes them on. He said some books belong to the world and should be shared; left somewhere for a stranger to find. I thought that was a cool concept. We both agreed Siddhartha is one of those books.
At the hof, they have bookshelves full of amazing poetry, and Colie and I sat and enjoyed the artwork and the poetry for a good couple of hours while talking to Amil. She was admiring all of the collages. We have been talking for weeks about getting some cool artwork to go over our couch, so we came home that afternoon and made our own collages. I pulled out all of my art supplies and we've been working on them two days so far, in between living life. Mine is almost halfway done. They are cool because each one describes us... and we are so different, you can tell just by looking at them.

Lately, I've been reading Of Human Bondage. I don't have a ton of time, but when I get some here and there, this book has been amazing. It really gets me to think about human relationships. It goes through different situations in relationships that cause people pain. The main character is so honest and raw with his emotions that you can't NOT relate to him. For example, in one part of the book, it follows an awkward teenage friendship from the beginning all the way through to their falling out. He talks about how jealous and upset he is, how he constantly wishes his friend would want him back, but in the heat of their arguments tries to protect himself by acting tough and saying things he ultimately regrets. It's clear to the reader how much the dissolution of their friendship is due to his pride and inability to communicate.
It's the kind of book you take and immediately apply: it makes you think about the way you communicate with others, and how much you allow your pride to get in the way. I relate to the main character's sensitivity a lot, because I tend to try and protect myself by acting tough and letting fly with the insults. I like to hurt other people worse than they've hurt me.
What I am learning by reading this book is that many times, honesty and humility will actually heal a situation or solve a problem, while my harsh words just end friendships. Fast.

All right. That's it for now. I've got school in the morning, and I'm tired. College is busy!

what i did today

at 10:30 this morning, we hit the road...

Colie was excited...

I was looking awkward as usual...

and Kevin, well... I think he was pretty thrilled.

pit stop!

Back on the road for another two hours...

When we finally made it to the city, we went here.

and I did this.

I saw all of the KISS costumes, and I bought a KISS army patch, and I bought a picture of Gene Simmons' boots.

guitars!

I got frazzled when we started getting lost in downtown Seattle. Several detours, but in the end it was all ok.

In between this, we went to Seattle Pacific and I visited Kess and Kristin. I love them, and I miss them terribly. So good to see their beautiful school...


And then, home..


Not far into it they both fell asleep, so I ended up driving the whole way there and back, and most of the driving we did in downtown.

BEAUTIFUL DAY.

road trip

Currently Reading: Of Human Bondage by Somerset Maugham (it is an intensely honest representation of human suffering... I don't think the majority of people would find it interesting, but I have a difficult time tearing myself away)
Currently Eating: A piece of spearmint gum
Currently Watching: The news
Currently Bought: Tillamook Mudslide Ice Cream, bacon, two tangelos, and a bag of frozen potstickers
Currently Need: an "A" in... all of my classes.
Currently Moved: Well I moved like 5 months ago... to my apartment with Colie...
Currently Want: To go to Africa
Currently Lost: my black button-up shirt. it's been missing a long, long time.
Currently Wearing: jeans, socks, and a white t-shirt with a picture of a yurt and the words "Champoeg Campout: Fortune Family 2005" on it
Currently Listening To: John Mayer- Only Heart
Currently Talking To: My roommate, who is looking for her favorite eyeshadow
Currently Wish: I am pretty content right now.

Today we watched elizabethtown, and tomorrow my roommate and I are going on a road trip to Seattle with Kevin.

today was a very good day.

1) To start off, this morning we debated in our Argumentation and Research class. I was defending the view that cell phones should not be used while driving. I was very nervous, because I couldn't really prepare for it, except for by studying the issue in advance and speculating about the kinds of questions I'd be asked... the rest was impromptu.
We also had a paper due this morning, on the same topic.
In one class, that is three grades: group debate, individual debate, and research paper.
Our group got an A on the debate, and NOT ONLY THAT, but my teacher complimented me on my "command of the room", "confidence" and "charm and charisma". She said I was the only person who had rasied a point on the issue so far that could not be argued. Irrefutable evidence.
Those compliments felt so good.
Two out of my three grades were A's; the paper I feel very confident about. I am hoping for a B.

2) After that, I went home to pick up my stuff for drawing that afternoon, and Jak met me (!) on my way back to school, and bought me lunch, and we hung out for a bit. I have missed Jak. He has been sooo busy with work... it was just good to see him.

3) Drawing today was actually fun for once. I made some pretty neat stuff (I would post it on here but I'm too tired right now). Our teacher extended the due date on our next assignment, and cut out our final project. We have two more weeks for this project. Then only one more and we are finished with the class.

4) The weather was absolutely gorgeous.

5) After school, Luke called me to see if I wanted to go with him to the airport to pick up Todd (!)... so we did. Todd's flight was delayed a couple hours, so we had to wait, but it was really fun hanging out with Luke and Emma. I didn't know Luke very well and he is a really cool guy. He pretty much wasted me at every card game we played, though.

I just got home from the airport. Today has been BUSY but satisfying. I am glad Todd is finally home and that I got to hear some of his stories.

EDIT: After this, Colie and I drove out to the boys' house to see Matt, KV and Nick. 5 guys live together in this house and they mostly work at Nordstrom with Nicole, and they are in a band together. What is nice about them is that they are much closer to our age.

where my heart is this valentine's day

Matty-matt,
I hope everything is going well in your world. The weather here is freaking fantastic and it makes me miss everybody. Exploring the city is fun on my own but I do wish you all (you, Kess, Brianna, Kristin, etc) were here to share it with me sometimes. The other day I spent almost the entire day sketching the park blocks and it was amazing... I finally feel at
home here. Not just in the apartment, but the city as a whole. It feels like my neighborhood now. Such a good feeling, and I've been waiting for it for so long
Hope your ski trip was fun. Don't know if you've caught much of the Olympics so far but I've been glued to the ski racing... ahhh so good! I love it! Bode has so far not risen to expectations but I call him on the combined... maybe slalom if he's lucky...
Anyway, things are going really well. I am doing great in my classes and getting along perfectly with my roommate. She is starting to make some more friends at work and I am making friends through school and stuff, so we've both been pretty social, but when she is gone during the day it is good to be alone for so long. It is the perfect balance. I am getting pretty freaking attached to her... she is an awesome roommate. School is starting to get kind of exciting, I have a better balance of academic classes this term which makes it easier to study and still focus on my art stuff. I am really learning that art takes a lot of practice and observation, and the more I get into it the more attentive I am to general things that are happening around me. I think I see a lot more things than I used to. I don't really know how to explain it, except that slowing down and listening and being silent has taught me a lot about people and art. I see the coolest things everywhere, like architecture and advertisements and clothes and all those kind of things. It gives you an amazing appreciation for the beauty of the world. sometimes I get overwhelmed by how amazing this city is, so much so that I can hardly put it into words... it is a really good feeling, I wish I could describe it better. (I have a hard time explaining myself... I do it so rarely)
On the other side of things, quitting my job (at the KPC) has been such a blessing... not just with having more free time, but being less stressed in general. I miss the girls terribly, but I don't miss having to take time out of my week to travel and prepare. [I edited a big section out here cause it's personal]
...
I mentioned a few times (I think) that a few of my close friends here have been overseas on missions teams the past month. Ashby (don't know if you met her, she is my boss, and basically an amazing human being), Justin (pastor) and a couple from our church (Beth+ Michael) just came back from Kenya on this past Thursday. Luke and Brian also came back from India this week. Brad and Toddy are still overseas (in India) but are coming home on Wednesday (I miss Todd like crazy).
It was soooooo good welcoming them home. First of all, it feels like our family is finally back together. I am so close with my friends here that having them gone felt seriously wrong. With Ashby especially, I wanted to be with her soooooo badly. She
was picking out land for the school, and doing some other GRACEworks related stuff. All of this is where my heart is and it was hard having them doing cool things across the globe, and me feeling stuck here in Portland.
Anyway, we welcomed them back this Sunday, and they showed us pictures from their trip and told us the most amazing stories. Beth and Michael are feeling called to work in Kenya. When they shared their stories, the biggest thing was just the feeling of confirmation they got when they went to visit there. Like, "This is where we should be". They talked about AIDS orphans and showed pictures of the most beautiful children I have ever seen...
I was completely in tears the whole time. It was a little embarrassing actually. It's hard to explain, but it was a really exciting and scary feeling, hearing them talk. Even just hearing the stories and seeing the land and the pictures and the kids, I felt that same feeling. Like, Kenya is where I am going. That is MY future. It was a really strong feeling. I think maybe you will
understand but it is just scary/exciting/I don't know what. It's like being homesick for a place you've never been... that is a good way to describe it. I feel such a strong sense of motivation and purpose for Africa. I want to be able to explain it completely, but at the same time, it is such an intense and private feeling... that I don't know if I even could.
I'm definitely planning on returning with Ashby next time she goes, which will mean I am going to have to save a
LOT, and probably take a term off school.
I know you know me, and have known me for a while, I tend not to get overly passionnate about things, and the way I feel about Africa and about AIDS orphans... the amount of emotional energy I have for it... never EVER ceases to amaze me. It's so weird and intense.
Anyway, I am rambling. I just wanted to check in with you and see how things are going. I hope your classes are going well. I keep meeting history majors and thinking of you.
tell me everything (or as much as you can)
and come and visit me, amigo. I miss you!
-ciara

C-

my PVC class is really taking a beating lately.
my grades show it.


two texture studies: (the first is an A project from last term)

toddy

Yesterday morning, I finally got an e-mail from my friend who is in India. I miss him. Ashby is home now. She just got online. I am so excited. I love Ashby.
ooookay i was gonna write some more stuff but i am exhausted now.
i'm going to bed.

4 reasons to laugh when my roommate claims she's a "clean freak"

(this one is for YOU, terry)

1. the bedroom:



2. the bathroom:


3. the living room:



4. the kitchen:




BUT...
Never fear, for Ciara is here...








... to clean up all her messes!


just a friendly reminder
that cleanliness is next to godliness.

i hate being cold

I have a blood circulation problem that makes me cold very easily. Because of it my average body temp is two degrees lower than normal (you know how the human body is supposed to be 98.6... well my temp is usually more like 96). I get chills, especially if I'm not eating or sleeping right or if I'm sick or something.
at my parents house, my bedroom has a broken heating vent and since i don't live here more than a night a week or so, no one has ever bothered to fix it. in addition, my room borders another room with no insulation that is against the outer wall of our house. there is always cold air blowing through this doorway whether or not the door to it is closed.
the rest of our house has adequate heating and my family is quite active, so our heat is usually low (like 65 degrees... room temperature is supposed to be around 70+). This is like torture for me. I wear thermal socks and hats and sometimes even gloves and still shiver. the only place comfortable for me is my bed (and only then because I have like twelve blankets to wrap up in).
anyway, i've had a cold this past week and been feeling pretty shitty in general. today when i got home our house was freezing, and i put on pretty much all the clothing i could find and still wasn't warm, so i went upstairs and sat on my bed and wrapped myself up in all of my blankets. i left the door to my room open so that any warm air would come in. but even then i was still freezing (my fingers were literally turning purple). i was so frustrated and completely miserable that i started crying, and that was about when my family found me, and made fun of me.

i may be a germophobe, but this is TRULY NASTY...

my roommate has impetigo all over her thigh and the back of her knee. It is probably the worst case of impetigo I have ever seen. eeeeeww.
not only this, but she seems to be proud of her contagious disease. she shows it to everyone. i'm pretty sure she has a picture of it on her myspace. i don't think she understands that impetigo is a dirty dirty illness that only little children get because they are gross and pick their noses and smear it all over each other. It's NOT cool.
ughhhhh. i am scared of contracting her nasty disease so i've temporarily relocated to my parents' while she burns everything in our apartment (ha... just kidding... about the burning, not about the moving).
but seriously, i keep telling her to wash her sheets, and she keeps saying, "yeah. i should." and then not doing it.

some time in the night, the germs will crawl into my bed and i will wake up with impetigo all over my body and my skin rotting away in patches...

AHHH! showers five times a day in boiling hot water, and our entire apartment will be sterilized, ASAP, upon my return....

what happened to this girl? i miss her

i'm getting sicker. i started running a fever this afternoon, and can't stop coughing (even though my throat is really sore). I don't have any classes until Saturday, though, so hopefully I can sleep this sickness off between now and then. i'm worried about colie, because we've been together nonstop for the past week or so (they cut her hours at work, and she is only working one day now). I don't want her to get what I've got. I would feel bad.
For drawing, we are working on a new project now (one I mentioned before-- an autobiographical trompe l'oeil). I spent a good hour or so trying to figure out what to put in my drawing-- what describes me? It's a tough question to answer at any age, but especially this one. I finally rested on what drives me-- my passions, these are what form my personality more than anything else. Where I am right now, and why I continue to work hard to get somewhere new, is because of a passionate belief that I can actually accomplish something with my education and my talents. It can be easy to forget that in the midst of all these distractions.
I went back in my journal to the date where I attended the AIDS conference that basically changed my life. I remember feeling so emotionally driven back then, and frustrated by the fact that I was only a senior in high school and couldn't actually make a dent in this huge problem. It was encouraging to me to read what I wrote because even though I don't feel as actively involved, I'm still working towards this goal. Slowly but surely. 3 years to go.

Here is what I wrote:

Thursday, October 21, 2004
I went and heard Bono speak at the World Affairs Convention last night. His topic was the AIDS crisis in Africa, and it was one of the most important things I've ever heard.
After hearing all of the statistics (6 thousand people die A DAY from AIDS, that Europeans spend 11 million dollars a year on ice cream and that same amount could end the AIDS problem in Africa, almost an entire generation has been wiped out by this disease) I walked out of the arena IRATE that we don't talk about this in our history classes. That we don't discuss this as a major point of our election. More people die because of AIDS than terrorism, yet we discuss, daily, our war on terrorism and not the continent going down in flames. Why do we do this? Why do high school students not know what is happening? I mean, we've been told, but has it really sunk into our brains the extent of the damage we are witnessing? If it had, we would be doing a lot more to help.
Bono mentioned the fact that what we are allowing to happen in Africa makes a mockery of our government, and I believe that's true. If we really believe in equality, why are we valuing our ice cream, our stereo, our expensive new car, over the lives of our brothers and sisters in Africa? Are their lives not as important as ours?
Moreover, do we not realize our actions toward Africa and other oppressed nations are what started terrorism in the first place? On a list of the 22 most wealthy nations in the world, America is the #1 nation for wealth, and the #22 nation for charity. Why? WHY? Don't we realize that other nations that need our help can look at our wealth and begin to despise us for our selfishness? This hate leads to terrorism... this desperate state of affairs leads to hate for our nation and then to destruction. And how do we respond to this problem? Instead of going back to the root of the issue and helping to relieve the suffering nations, we send in our troops to seek out and destroy these terrorists, and people hate us more. INSTEAD OF SAVING LIVES, WE END THEM AT A FASTER RATE BECAUSE OF OUR STUPIDITY. INSTEAD OF RELIEVING THE HATRED THAT LEADS TO TERRORISM, WE ATTACK AND MAKE MORE PEOPLE HATE US.
Why? WHY?
And the thing that bothers me the most, is that people don't know. Which I believe is the real reason that we're not helping Africa out more. Bono brought up the point that if this type of crisis were happening on any other continent than Africa, we'd be on it right away. But because we are used to suffering in Africa, the problem is simply ignored. When is the last time you really discussed it in a class? Do you even remember? Do you even know the extent of the damage?
And this is not a major deciding point in our election, either. Who even knows what Bush has done to aid Africa? Who know's Kerry's plans?
Not that I am blaming any of our generation. I feel shafted because I think high school students should know this and our parents and teachers have neglected in educating us on world events. We spend all this time focusing on our own damn election and our stupid war against terrorism that is really our own fault. This is all pointless when you compare it to the loss of life that we ignore.

the infamous pinecone assignment.

I talked to Matt yesterday for the first time in about a week. Out of curiosity, I made the mistake of asking him about his homework load at OSU. I guess I assumed it would be similar to mine. But from his response I gather he has a lot more free time.
Something about the Art Institute that frustrates me from time to time is its reputation. Usually when people find out I go there they ask me if it is a two-year program, like a trade school. I think it gets a weird reputation because of the TV advertising. People seem to think that it is a lower-level college experience or that the people who end up there do it for lack of options or because they’ve had an unsuccessful school career.
Here is the thing about school, though. We are a business-oriented private art school. We are not just earning fine arts degrees, we are being prepared for our specific careers. Because of that, our programs are that much harder. For example, a regular four-year program is condensed into three years, leaving no summer breaks. The programs are driven toward teaching not only creative artistry but WORK ETHIC.
Since I have been at the Art Institute I’ve had to work harder than I have ever worked before. This is just my second term, and I’m already almost to the point of overload. This is hard stuff. It stretches me creatively which is not fun.
One of the worst things about it is the drawing classes. This pertains to my major in no way, shape or form except that it has taught me to power through the most ridiculous and un-fun assignments.
My favorite (detect the sarcasm here) so far: the pinecone. It is a 10X13” drawing (in ink), divided into 520 ½X½” squares. Each square should be shaded using a different line technique to describe the overall shape and value of a pinecone. It is, at the very least, a ten-hour assignment, but it took more like fifteen.
In short, I would rather have toothpicks hammered under my fingernails than repeat an assignment like this EVER again. I’m so glad it’s over.
Take a look.













In fact, take a closer look. Because I'm very proud of my work.



p.s. I have a bad cold. Please pray that I get better soon.