I think I am going to spend the time I used to spend blogging, journaling instead. The reasons for this are twofold:
1) I don't see the point of blogging if not for community, and it doesn't seem like it is really providing the same community-building opportunities it used to
2) I am restricted in my ability to speak freely on the web, and the time I spend writing these blogs replaces the time I would be able to spend journaling in a private diary... which I think would be more beneficial to me as an individual at this point in my life.

This doesn't mean I am never going to blog again, it just means I probably will do it Todd-style from now on... you know, every six months or so.

Did other people see that police tazering video at the UCLA campus? Awful; apparently that officer has a history of using excessive force...

Oh, Brother...

I know that people used to read my blog because I was very open and honest about the crap going on in my life (I call it crap because that is what it is) and what I was learning from it. Recently I have not been writing much about my personal life/feelings, and that's because I am extremely aware of how public a place this blog really is. Yes, I want to be open. With my community. But I'm not entirely sure how open I want to be with the whole world.
In some situations, such as things I have created within my own mind, I tend to be more open. Things have happened to me and the way I deal with them. Things like depression, Mike, cutting. Things like that I am okay with sharing.
Where it gets shaky is when it involves other people because I don't want to compromise anyone else's privacy. Relationships are, of course, always the greatest source of drama. But who am I to decide what is and is not broadcast over the web? (Okay, it just occured to me to put a disclaimer on this... I am not in any way AT ALL referring to Matt and Terry. I am just talking about myself here. Maybe no one else is drawing this parallel but I want to be clear. I don't mean to in any way judge or involve myself in something going on between two of my friends, no matter how public the issue, and this is not at all aimed in their direction. This is jsut about me.)
It's a hard thing. I feel like I have not been very honest the past couple of months. Not sure if this is an improvement or a de-provement over spilling my guts online the way I did just a few months ago. I don't want to create or increase drama, but I do want people to know that I value being open and I WANT you to know what is going on with me. More importantly, I WANT to know what is going on with you. The key to opening trusting relationships is risk; I do that in sharing some pretty personal things on this blog from time to time. But I haven't recently.
All of that to say that maybe it is time. Some of these feelings have cooled more than others. You can probably tell when I present them. But here is what I am dealing with inside my head...
My brother is screwed up. Really. He does a lot of things that I hate and I can't trust him at all. But worse than that is the fact that he is not even my brother anymore. Anyone who has known me for more than a few months can attest to the fact that Daniel used to be my best friend and I was closer to him than to any other member of my family. This is not true anymore.
Tonight he had a huge (and scary) fight with my dad that turned into kind of a yelling match. I left the house and went to the gym and ran for miles; when I came home, it was over, but it left a bad taste in my mouth.
I really can't decide what hurts the most-- either watching the steady dissolution of a person that you love, or feeling like you don't really love them anymore, or trying to take all the harassment and criticism they throw your way. I honestly don't know what is the worst part. Tonight he, among other things, attacked my faith and made some statements about how I was "pushing church" on him. I seriously hate it when people give me this crap. I am the least offensive person I know when it comes to issues of faith. If anything I err on the side of saying too little, which is something I'm working on. But I HATE it when non-Christians point at me and, because I'm a Christian, say, "YOU ARE FORCING YOUR BELIEFS ON ME." I have never done that to anyone. I have no right or reason to force my own moral standards on the world. The way I live and the things I beleive are what I choose to believe. If someone doesn't like that or believes differently, that is their choice. I can't force them, and I don't try. ESPECIALLY about stupid legalistic things like how to act. Of all things, that is the least important thing to me.
What I feel is him projecting his own guilt onto me, and that isn't fair. I understand it and have felt the same way at times, but it still isn't fair.
There is a lot behind all of this, obviously. But the scary thing about everything that happens with him is that each time I get further and further away from love. Right now I don't feel like my brother and I will ever be able to reconcile our relationship. It sucks, and what sucks more is that I'm not sure how much I care. Part of me says, fine, be gone, stop wasting my time and energy. Stop draining my family and hurting the people that I love. Stop hurting ME.
I am ashamed to admit that, but it is the truth. It is hard to forgive people. I am learning that. I have never really been in a position requiring this much forgiveness. I'm not prepared to give it yet. I am trying really hard, but I keep coming up empty.
The only thing I can compare it to is the way I just shut down when I lost Mike. I didn't really feel anything. That is how this is. I am just progressively shutting down towards him until he goes away.

Anyway. This is honest, maybe you wanted to hear it and maybe you didn't. If you weren't at least curious you wouldn't have gotten this far. But please understand this is merely an attempt to be intentionally open with my life... if I am not sharing anything "real" with you guys (and trust me there is a lot more I could be saying) then there is no point in blogging or even being in community.

That is all for now. Tomorrow my shift starts at 5:30 am, so I need some sleep.

coming to you live from seattle

So I just woke up, and Kristin is away at class, and I am a little bored... she is coming back at 12:30, so I have to occupy myself for a couple hours. So I figured I'd write in here for a bit.
Ummmmm. So think has been a really fun trip. I have been here since Friday night. But it seems a lot longer because we packed in so much stuff on Saturday. I had breakfast at their dorm cafeteria,we went to Archie McPhee (which is this party store that has just a bunch of random things) we went shopping at the mall and went to IKEA, came home and had dinner and a Brdiget Jones marathon with her 4 roommates. Oh and ate chocolate. Later that night we visited Jon (Kristin's boyfriend) and his friend who were camping out to wait for the Nintendo Wii, which was released yesterday. (We got to play it earlier that day when we were at the mall and let me just say it is fantastic and I am in love.) They had to wait all night, of course, but we only joined them for a couple hours. We came home/went to sleep around 3:30. It was a fun day, but I was sooooooo tired.
Yesterday (Sunday) we got up early and I visited Kristin's church. It was rad. They have a really cool story about how they got their building. The pastor was basically called to move to Seattle from some midwestern state (I forget which one) and he spent a few years trying to build his church in the Seattle area. They were meeting in peoples homes because they didn't have a building. Then out of nowhere a church just gave them a building right in the perfect location. And it is beautiful.
I have to admit I was a little bit jealous when I heard that story. Plus, it sounds like they have never really had any financial difficulties, even though their church is comprised mostly of college kids and they had around 30 regular givers. I was a little jealous of that, too. But they have a really cool church. Their worship band was comprised of these super talented musicians, but they sang church songs that I knew, which was nice (I hate visiting churches and not knowing the songs). The pastor gave one of the most convicting sermons I've heard in a long time. Apparently the church is working their way through proverbs. Yesterday they were dealing with repairing broken relationships and he talked specifically about gossip, forgiveness, etc. It was crazy and hit home in every possible way. I also think it was what I needed to hear in terms of dealing with my brother...
Anyway. After church on Sunday we basically pooped out for the rest of the day... hung out with Jon for a bit, went to a coffee shop... I took two naps and still managed to fall asleep around 9:30. It was rainy and cold so it was the kind of day you want to spend inside anyway. It was quite enjoyable. We watched Sense and Sensibility and I read my book (Glass Castle, which is awesome by the way... EVERYONE should read it).
And now, having woken up, and blogged thoroughly, I should shower so that I can be ready to eat my last dorm meal when Kristin returns...
yup, I'm off.

BUSINESS TIME:

GANGSTA RAP BATTLE:

ALBI THE RACIST DRAGON:

I am off to seattle tomorrow after work. I am going to visit Kristin (and maybe spend a little time with Kess, although his parents will be in town, so I might not see him much). I am also going to be getting away from my family for a little while, which, as much as I love them, is a necessity due to the fact that there is neverending drama in this house. I need to recharge my batteries a little before I can take on a task as insane as Thanksgiving with the extended family...

I have also heard a rumor around the store that Friday is the day we get our paycheck. I really hope this is true, and if it is, then the first thing I am going to do with my paycheck is buy myself seven pairs of brand new socks.

marathon

Today I worked for eight hours (5:30am-1:0pm) and went to school for three (6:00pm-8:45pm). And studied in the in-between time. It was not a bad day; not like you'd think. I like the morning shift. It is quiet and dark outside so it is all calm and cozy inside the store. And I'm pretty sure I aced my test tonight.
However... I have been up for a good 18 hours now, and those were an active 18 hours... so I am pretty tired!
Off to sleep for me!

Iconography in the Church

Some churches oppose the use of artistic representations of Jesus or the saints because they believe it violates the second commandment. Here is what Albrecht Durer had to say about that:

"A Christian would no more be led to superstition by a picture or effigy than an honest man to commit murder because he carries a weapon by his side. He must indeed be an unthinking man who would worship picture, wood or stone. A picture therefore brings more good than harm, when it is honourably, artistically, and well made."

It seems Mr. Durer and I are in agreement on this point. Although he was an egomaniac, I have to admit he was a fantastic artist, and I loooooove his work. (This self-portrait is one of my favorite pieces... check out the detail.)

terry purcell, this post is for you

This is the kind of smartass essay I wrote in my high school AP US History class. I figured you would enjoy it since you may get something similar at some point in your journey as a high school history teacher:
(The question we were asked to answer was what was the main reason for US involvement in Vietnam. I believe. It is kind of hard to tell, since this essay has absolutely nothing to do with anything. At all.)

INTRODUCTION: Have you ever wanted to know why there is war in the world? Well, I am about to tell you.

BODY: My theory begins with female drivers and an explanation of why they are such road hazards:
When there is a mirror around, most girls cannot resist the urge to check their hair/makeup/clothes, etc. to see how they are looking. After a thorough examination of their face (estimated at 30 seconds) and hair (est. 25 seconds) they realize that their mascara is running, their lipstick is smudged, they have a bump in their ponytail, etc, etc, etc. Fixing one or more of their appearance issues takes even more time (at least 15 seconds each, and likely more). This causes some problems when girls are leaning into their rearview to reapply their lipstick, and simultaneously driving 65mph down the freeway.
In addition, feminism on the rise in America has led many women to believe that they are superior to men in several ways, one of which being that females (and females alone) possess the ability to multi-task. This may be true in some cases, for example talking and eating at the same time (which- SURPRISE!- boys can do too!) or breathing and thinking simultaneously (which only a small percentage of women can actually succeed at). But I don't care how talented and intelligent they are (or aren't, as is most often the case), it is impossible to put on mascara and drive at the same time. I have never known someone who cares enough about their makeup to apply it in the car... and doesn't care how it looks as a result. Therefore, use of a mirror is a necessity, which means that much more time spent with their eyes off the road.
The average time spent "primping" per road trip estimates at about... 1.5 minutes. The semi-intelligent women utilize time at stop lights, but the majority of the world seems to think that freeway on-ramps, railroad crossings, and especially dangerous intersections are the perfect time to fix their flyaway hair.
These unintelligent female drivers cause a significant number of automobile accidents every year, which leads the rest of the American nation to become angry and insecure when leaving the house for their morning commute. Who wants to be on the road with Malibu Barbie, especially when her brain didn't last the ride home from the toy store? As accidents are on the rise, so are incidents of a little thing we like to call "road rage", which is society retaliating against dumb blondes and their inability to drive.
Road rage has become increasingly common in the United States over the past few decades for this reason. In fact, it has become so common that it is readily accepted as a good method for population control and traffic regulation. These ideals, however, are not shared by our overseas friends, and this rage is increased when Americans travel abroad under driving conditions they are not used to, for example... driving on the left-hand side of the road in the UK, or 8-lane roundabouts in France. The sadly unintelligent traveler is pushed to violence by thoughts such as, "Why is that !@#$%^& driving straight towards me?" or "How the @#$%^&* do I get out of this @#$%^& roundabout?" Having never learned to deal with their road rage at home, it comes out with all the more force overseas. Thus you hear of British drivers beaten over the head with baseball bats by well-meaning, patriotic Americans who have simply never learned to conquer their fear of the road, or learned that road rage is not a good foreign policy.
These incidents of violence serve to generate a negative public opinion of Americans in places such as France, where we are viewed as @#$%^&*-loving pigs. As anti-American emotions percolate, the offending countries begin to look for any possible way to go to war with America, hoping to distinguish the @((@#$%^ing @#$%ers who have so perfectly interrupted the flow of peace in their hometowns.
America, quickly picking up on the debilitating hate wafting 'cross the seas, thus decides to strike first, sending over 2 million troops and an atomic bomb with hopes of "securing the peace and democracy overseas." Unfortunately, the opposing nation does not recognize this for what it is (a peace offering) and therefore proceeds to blast away the army and the bomb, expending all of their military in defeating this small force. America returns with an expanded military, more atomic bombs, and more talk of peace, only to blast away the entire nation and proceed to soak it up into its democracy-loving sponge.

CONCLUSION: Thus, all world wars can pretty much be blamed on dumb blondes.

(I don't remember what possessed me to write this, but I am no longer surprised by my near-failure of this class...)

Okay, I probably should not have posted that last post. It was deleted for privacy reasons. Sorry, and please don't spread that info around.

What to write?

I worked for 9 hours today, which was a lot. It was fun (I learned how to make drinks!!) but my neck and back are kinda sore. Also, I spilled eggnog in my shoe.
It does not smell pleasant.

A Revelation.

I have just come to a realization about why staying in Portland and going to the Art Institute has completely rocked my world. And this the realization:
The first term (actually the first couple terms, and even the first year or so) were REALLY difficult to adjust to because everybody moved and became totally involved in their respective campus lives. It sucked for me because there is literally NO campus life at the Ai. So for a long time I felt like I was really missing out on the standard college experience. In a way I still do believe that, but I didn't realize what I had traded that experience for. And now that I do, I think it's totally worth it.
In the last year, while attending school, I have made a ton of contacts (mostly through Ethnos and Ethnos-related networks) that have commissioned work from me of all types (fine arts, graphic design, digital media, etc). I have built up a substantial collection of commissioned artwork and I have learned a TON about my field. I am getting to the point now where I feel a lot of my friends respect me as a designer and are willing to promote me to others. This is such a blessing and over the past month, paying jobs (in my field, no less) have literally begun to fall into my lap. I have realized the potential to make money doing what I am trained to do.
And all of this is happening my sophomore year of college.
What I have been doing for the past year (without even realizing it) is steadily building a network and client base that could potentially support me when I graduate. I do not know how many kids my age find steady work in their fields of interest, even as unpaid interns. But I'm guessing the numbers are not that high. Not only am I working doing what I want to do, but I am successfully freelancing my design skills. That is a HUGE deal for any artist, but it is an even bigger deal for me, a college kid. I am being treated, in some of these cases, as though I am a professional in my field-- I am getting that much respect. That is freaking crazy; there is no way I have earned that.
I have literally been blessed with this beyond my comprehension and I am sooooooo thankful and excited. I would not trade these opportunities for dorm life any day.

P.S. I made a contact today that works with a chain of NPOs in the Portland area and will hopefully be interested in hiring me, Matt, or both of us to do some work for these organizations. This could be a really huge opportunity for both of us so pray that it works out!

sales tax

I am not usually vocal about political opinions but I happen to feel very strongly about sales taxes (I am against them) and about private property rights (although that is a whole different story).
So this morning in our sacred space meeting I mentioned that I was against sales taxes and no one agreed with me, which I was expecting. However when they asked me why and I responded "because implementing a sales tax hurts me," nobody seemed to think that was a valid reason for voting against them. Paul said I needed to think more holistically than that and Ashby said something along the lines of, "Whatever, she's 19." As if that somehow invalidates my opinion, I guess because 19 year olds are selfish? Or ignorant?
Anyway, since we live in a land of democracy it is my right to vote in my own best interests and I am always going to vote for what I honestly believe is the best option. Which I feel is the case with a sales tax. I don't have a very high income and right now I don't own property, so I am paying relatively low taxes. As it should be. People with large incomes who own property (like my parents) should pay higher taxes than I do. That is the way it works now, and that makes sense.
Low-income wage earners spend a larger percentage of their income than do high-income wage earners, and by implementing a sales tax, they are the ones would be most affected. (Many of these people are low-income families trying to raise children, and this would affect their ability to pay for groceries and other necessities. There are promises that only non-necessities will be taxed, but who determines what those are? The government?) So essentially it would work the opposite way our taxation system is working right now, and the rich would get richer while the poor get poorer. How does that make sense?
I think property taxes are fair. Land is not free, and people who are wealthy enough to own their own land should pay for it. It is an issue of social responsibility in my opinion. We are each held accountable in spending the wealth we are blessed with. Some are blessed with more than others. Those who are more blessed have a greater social responsibility.
I do not deny that there would be some benefits from implementing sales tax, such as tourist revenue. Also all the other states have sales taxes. I know this; but I still don't think it is the best method of taxation. Just because everyone else does it doesn't mean it is good. I still think the people it hurts most are the people who need the most help and have the lowest incomes to begin with.
So while I realize that people may disagree with my opinion, I see nothing wrong with voting in my best interests. I represent low-income wage-earners who would be negatively affected by sales tax, and there are plenty of us and some more at risk than others. If I am not going to vote for what is best for that group of people, then who will? And why shouldn't I vote my opinion? Isn't that the purpose of democracy?

artistic license

It's something artists are allowed to take only when specified or in the absence of adequate information while completing a commission (and then only after repeated requests for clarification). However, what most employers don't realize is that artistic license is often more effective than the original commission. Think about it: designers are TRAINED to create effective designs, how much sense does it really make to tell them *exactly* how to create an advertisement/art piece/whatever?
Just some food for thought. And, speaking of commissions, here is the video I just (just, early this morning) made for Brad's Passion 4 People event tonight:

there was a triple homicide this morning across the street from where we live... and i have to admit, even though the police are claiming it was not a random act of violence (and therefore the rest of the neighborhood is safe), it is still pretty freaky. we didn't know these neighbors even though one of the kids, stephen, went to my high school. the whole event is just surreal. so far no suspects but the police keep saying not to worry. i don't know, maybe you have all seen this on the news... crazy. we live in a crazy world when our neighbors are found shot to death for absolutely no reason...

yeah, i don't really have anything to say.

The Prestige

Here's an idea for all the feature filmmakers out there: stop trying to make epics. You are not the next Peter Jackson or David Lean. 130 minutes is a lot to demand even for a great movie, let alone one as predictable and ridiculous as The Prestige.


P.S. Sometimes Hugh Jackman is really hot:



And sometimes he is really not:



Funny how one bad hairstyle changes everything.

I think I am slowly outgrowing my shyness. It's nice. Today I went out for coffee with Alissa (who is totally rad by the way), and I didn't feel shy or anxious at all. It was a notably pleasant experience.
Also, I am exhausted today. Seriously. Soooooo tired.

The Cult of Artistic Genius

In the last few weeks I have become increasingly aware of the shift in thinking about art over the last 500 years. Did you know that during the High Renaissance artists were considered to be the most valued members of society? It was thought that the skill set that enabled people to be talented painters also enabled them to be excellent scientists and mathematicians. Artists were among the most highly educated and well-traveled individuals in society. Talented artists were considered to be geniuses. Literally. And in some cases, this was true (take Leonardo da Vinci for example, or Raphael, who painted murals so complex that it took the assistance of theological and philosophical scholars to decipher their meanings).
I don't know if I believe that being an artist automatically makes you a genius, although creative thinking is a higher level brain function, so a TRULY talented artist would have to be incredibly intelligent. However, it is interesting to me that we no longer treat artists as though they have so much to offer to the world. Think about it-- kids who exhibit artistic tendencies early on are often encouraged to pursue other, more practical fields. Art programs are among the first things cut from education budgets in times of crisis. Art students are not offered a higher-level education equivalent to that of their peers (in terms of academics) the way they once were.
I don't know why I am posting about this, I just find it a fascinating shift in thinking. It's not that I feel personally devalued in any way. I should clarify that lest people think I am either complaining or bragging. I am not. I am discussing society in general terms.