terry purcell, this post is for you

This is the kind of smartass essay I wrote in my high school AP US History class. I figured you would enjoy it since you may get something similar at some point in your journey as a high school history teacher:
(The question we were asked to answer was what was the main reason for US involvement in Vietnam. I believe. It is kind of hard to tell, since this essay has absolutely nothing to do with anything. At all.)

INTRODUCTION: Have you ever wanted to know why there is war in the world? Well, I am about to tell you.

BODY: My theory begins with female drivers and an explanation of why they are such road hazards:
When there is a mirror around, most girls cannot resist the urge to check their hair/makeup/clothes, etc. to see how they are looking. After a thorough examination of their face (estimated at 30 seconds) and hair (est. 25 seconds) they realize that their mascara is running, their lipstick is smudged, they have a bump in their ponytail, etc, etc, etc. Fixing one or more of their appearance issues takes even more time (at least 15 seconds each, and likely more). This causes some problems when girls are leaning into their rearview to reapply their lipstick, and simultaneously driving 65mph down the freeway.
In addition, feminism on the rise in America has led many women to believe that they are superior to men in several ways, one of which being that females (and females alone) possess the ability to multi-task. This may be true in some cases, for example talking and eating at the same time (which- SURPRISE!- boys can do too!) or breathing and thinking simultaneously (which only a small percentage of women can actually succeed at). But I don't care how talented and intelligent they are (or aren't, as is most often the case), it is impossible to put on mascara and drive at the same time. I have never known someone who cares enough about their makeup to apply it in the car... and doesn't care how it looks as a result. Therefore, use of a mirror is a necessity, which means that much more time spent with their eyes off the road.
The average time spent "primping" per road trip estimates at about... 1.5 minutes. The semi-intelligent women utilize time at stop lights, but the majority of the world seems to think that freeway on-ramps, railroad crossings, and especially dangerous intersections are the perfect time to fix their flyaway hair.
These unintelligent female drivers cause a significant number of automobile accidents every year, which leads the rest of the American nation to become angry and insecure when leaving the house for their morning commute. Who wants to be on the road with Malibu Barbie, especially when her brain didn't last the ride home from the toy store? As accidents are on the rise, so are incidents of a little thing we like to call "road rage", which is society retaliating against dumb blondes and their inability to drive.
Road rage has become increasingly common in the United States over the past few decades for this reason. In fact, it has become so common that it is readily accepted as a good method for population control and traffic regulation. These ideals, however, are not shared by our overseas friends, and this rage is increased when Americans travel abroad under driving conditions they are not used to, for example... driving on the left-hand side of the road in the UK, or 8-lane roundabouts in France. The sadly unintelligent traveler is pushed to violence by thoughts such as, "Why is that !@#$%^& driving straight towards me?" or "How the @#$%^&* do I get out of this @#$%^& roundabout?" Having never learned to deal with their road rage at home, it comes out with all the more force overseas. Thus you hear of British drivers beaten over the head with baseball bats by well-meaning, patriotic Americans who have simply never learned to conquer their fear of the road, or learned that road rage is not a good foreign policy.
These incidents of violence serve to generate a negative public opinion of Americans in places such as France, where we are viewed as @#$%^&*-loving pigs. As anti-American emotions percolate, the offending countries begin to look for any possible way to go to war with America, hoping to distinguish the @((@#$%^ing @#$%ers who have so perfectly interrupted the flow of peace in their hometowns.
America, quickly picking up on the debilitating hate wafting 'cross the seas, thus decides to strike first, sending over 2 million troops and an atomic bomb with hopes of "securing the peace and democracy overseas." Unfortunately, the opposing nation does not recognize this for what it is (a peace offering) and therefore proceeds to blast away the army and the bomb, expending all of their military in defeating this small force. America returns with an expanded military, more atomic bombs, and more talk of peace, only to blast away the entire nation and proceed to soak it up into its democracy-loving sponge.

CONCLUSION: Thus, all world wars can pretty much be blamed on dumb blondes.

(I don't remember what possessed me to write this, but I am no longer surprised by my near-failure of this class...)