Oh, Brother...

I know that people used to read my blog because I was very open and honest about the crap going on in my life (I call it crap because that is what it is) and what I was learning from it. Recently I have not been writing much about my personal life/feelings, and that's because I am extremely aware of how public a place this blog really is. Yes, I want to be open. With my community. But I'm not entirely sure how open I want to be with the whole world.
In some situations, such as things I have created within my own mind, I tend to be more open. Things have happened to me and the way I deal with them. Things like depression, Mike, cutting. Things like that I am okay with sharing.
Where it gets shaky is when it involves other people because I don't want to compromise anyone else's privacy. Relationships are, of course, always the greatest source of drama. But who am I to decide what is and is not broadcast over the web? (Okay, it just occured to me to put a disclaimer on this... I am not in any way AT ALL referring to Matt and Terry. I am just talking about myself here. Maybe no one else is drawing this parallel but I want to be clear. I don't mean to in any way judge or involve myself in something going on between two of my friends, no matter how public the issue, and this is not at all aimed in their direction. This is jsut about me.)
It's a hard thing. I feel like I have not been very honest the past couple of months. Not sure if this is an improvement or a de-provement over spilling my guts online the way I did just a few months ago. I don't want to create or increase drama, but I do want people to know that I value being open and I WANT you to know what is going on with me. More importantly, I WANT to know what is going on with you. The key to opening trusting relationships is risk; I do that in sharing some pretty personal things on this blog from time to time. But I haven't recently.
All of that to say that maybe it is time. Some of these feelings have cooled more than others. You can probably tell when I present them. But here is what I am dealing with inside my head...
My brother is screwed up. Really. He does a lot of things that I hate and I can't trust him at all. But worse than that is the fact that he is not even my brother anymore. Anyone who has known me for more than a few months can attest to the fact that Daniel used to be my best friend and I was closer to him than to any other member of my family. This is not true anymore.
Tonight he had a huge (and scary) fight with my dad that turned into kind of a yelling match. I left the house and went to the gym and ran for miles; when I came home, it was over, but it left a bad taste in my mouth.
I really can't decide what hurts the most-- either watching the steady dissolution of a person that you love, or feeling like you don't really love them anymore, or trying to take all the harassment and criticism they throw your way. I honestly don't know what is the worst part. Tonight he, among other things, attacked my faith and made some statements about how I was "pushing church" on him. I seriously hate it when people give me this crap. I am the least offensive person I know when it comes to issues of faith. If anything I err on the side of saying too little, which is something I'm working on. But I HATE it when non-Christians point at me and, because I'm a Christian, say, "YOU ARE FORCING YOUR BELIEFS ON ME." I have never done that to anyone. I have no right or reason to force my own moral standards on the world. The way I live and the things I beleive are what I choose to believe. If someone doesn't like that or believes differently, that is their choice. I can't force them, and I don't try. ESPECIALLY about stupid legalistic things like how to act. Of all things, that is the least important thing to me.
What I feel is him projecting his own guilt onto me, and that isn't fair. I understand it and have felt the same way at times, but it still isn't fair.
There is a lot behind all of this, obviously. But the scary thing about everything that happens with him is that each time I get further and further away from love. Right now I don't feel like my brother and I will ever be able to reconcile our relationship. It sucks, and what sucks more is that I'm not sure how much I care. Part of me says, fine, be gone, stop wasting my time and energy. Stop draining my family and hurting the people that I love. Stop hurting ME.
I am ashamed to admit that, but it is the truth. It is hard to forgive people. I am learning that. I have never really been in a position requiring this much forgiveness. I'm not prepared to give it yet. I am trying really hard, but I keep coming up empty.
The only thing I can compare it to is the way I just shut down when I lost Mike. I didn't really feel anything. That is how this is. I am just progressively shutting down towards him until he goes away.

Anyway. This is honest, maybe you wanted to hear it and maybe you didn't. If you weren't at least curious you wouldn't have gotten this far. But please understand this is merely an attempt to be intentionally open with my life... if I am not sharing anything "real" with you guys (and trust me there is a lot more I could be saying) then there is no point in blogging or even being in community.

That is all for now. Tomorrow my shift starts at 5:30 am, so I need some sleep.