suffering/joy

(I know this post is long, but I figured I owed a good solid one since I haven't written anything worth reading since last Saturday.)

Back when I took anatomy, one thing I found interesting was the way your body adapts to certain situations. Most of your senses-- sight, taste, smell, hearing-- immediately begin adapting to the stimuli being presented. When you step from a dark room outside into the sunshine, your iris contracts around your pupil to let less light in. When someone sitting next to you on the bus is wearing a ton of perfume or cologne, olfactory adaptation kicks in, and your brain adjusts until you can't smell it anymore. Adaptation keeps your brain from getting overloaded/confused and your body from being physically hurt.
The one sense that doesn't adapt is your sense of touch. No matter how many times a kid falls down and skins his knee, it is still going to hurt just as bad every time. Maybe that kid will get older and get used to it, so he won't cry as hard, and it won't seem as awful, but the exact same pain receptors respond every time in the exact same way. Unless your nerves die, they are as dependable as freaking clockwork.
When you think about it, it makes sense-- if you adapted to pain, then the older you got, the stupider things you would be doing without realizing the impact it could have on your body. If I run my finger through a flame once, and it hurts, but the next time I do it, it doesn't hurt, then what's going to stop me from doing it a third time? And meanwhile, even though it doesn't physically hurt me, my finger is being burned. My skin cells are dying.
What does change, though, is your control over your body; your tolerance of the pain that is inflicted. As you get older, you can recognize pain and differentiate what is dangerous and what is just annoying. If I fell down today and skinned my knee, I probably wouldn't cry as much as I did when I was eight. But not because it doesn't hurt just as much. Physiologically, the exact same thing is happening. But my brain can respond better. Instead of going, "Mommy, I'm bleeding!!!" I can go, "Look, it's just a little blood, it could be a lot worse, so go get a band-aid and you'll be fine." Pain doesn't ever hurt less, you just get smarter about it.
This is just theory from my own personal experience... but I think the same thing is true of your emotions. I have been through a lot of stuff in my short life. And even though, on some level, it gets easier, it also doesn't. Every time something bad happens, it hurts me just as much. The only difference I have noticed is that my response has changed. I am more logical; I have gotten smarter. I actually have the ability to, in the middle of a crappy situation, say to myself, "It's really okay, God is going to take care of it." Not, "Holy shit, this is so awful that I want to die." And I really think that is just a product of growing up and experiencing a lot of pain. It's the same as that split second you have when you look down at your bleeding knee and decide, okay, that hurts, but I'm not going to freak out about it.
Sometimes, it sucks, because it takes experiencing the pain to learn about it. And every time it happens, it hurts just as much. Just because you know you can handle a small burn or a skinned knee, doesn't mean you want it or go out looking for it. It just means that when it happens, you're ready, and you're not going to fall apart.

The reason why I say all this is because, on Tuesday in our studio meeting, we talked about suffering, and I have been thinking about it all week. And what I said to everyone on Tuesday was, there comes a point in the middle of all your pain where you just... balance out. A lot of times, nothing changes. Nothing "gets better". You just push through it and there is joy on the other end. The coexistance of joy and suffering is something so beautiful that is literally indescribable. It is the kind of thing that, until you experience it, you will always be skeptical of.
Anyway, I said this on Tuesday at the meeting, at which point I had a lot of issues on my plate already. But there were ones that I had handled. Then, yesterday, my brother made another poor life choice, and that messed up the balance again. So as I laid in bed awake early this morning, I thought to myself, do I still believe what I said before, that there is joy in all of this? Do I stand by that when there is pain too real and fresh to ignore or put away? And, even though I am hurt and mad and scared, the answer is yes. God doesn't change, and if he is my focus, nothing can really shake me. Which is an incredible feeling.

One other thing I thought about today: back in the day, when I first learned to type/use computers, they required you to put two spaces between a period and the start of a new sentence. I always got in trouble for ignoring that rule because it didn't make sense, and now, no one ever does it. People don't even capitalize or use proper punctuation anymore. I wonder what my elementary school teacher would say about that...

as calm as a dead fish.

Today was just one of those days where nothing so bad happened, but still at the end I felt like crap.
Maybe I am just tired, or stressed, or all peopled-out. I don't know. Maybe I am starting to get sick. I really hope not... but it's possible.

Anyway, I am having trouble focusing, so I am not going to write anything else right now; I am going to go to bed. That way I will not die when I try to wake up for the studio meeting at, like, dawn.

war photographer

I know that I have blogged about this before, but it was over a year ago, which means I don't feel redundant doing it again.
My first term at AI, Michelle had us watch this documentary, War Photographer. It is about the life of James Natchwey. He is one of my heroes-- the kind of person that I want to pattern my life after. After we watched it, I told Michelle that he was doing EXACTLY what I wanted to do with my life, and she told me that was part of the reason she showed it.
This morning I woke up with James Nachtwey on my mind. And not just him, but all the things he works for in the world. One thing I was amazed by is his dedication to his work. I do want to do what he does, but I get so easily distracted by all the other things I want to do. I wish I had the concentration and determination to just give everything up and go for it.
Or maybe I just wish I had the same one-track mind, I don't know.
Sometimes I pray that God will take away some of my other desires and passions so that I could focus and be completely fulfilled in doing his work. I get so tangled up in my own perceptions and my changing mind. At times I feel like I am holding on to a dream just for the sake of obedience. That is always so discouraging to me. I feel like I have always known what I am supposed to do with my life, and I have always been satisfied and complete with that knowledge. But as the reality of it draws nearer, I am less sure of what I am doing. I look for all of the things I can't do instead of the things that I can.
I remember that, a few years ago, I would pray all the time and praise God for the way he had worked out all my skills and talents to honor him. I saw how everything fit together so nicely. I knew foreign languages, so it would be easier to travel. I was very indepedent, so I could work without a team. I loved science and medicine, so I was passionnate about everything he was calling me to.
Lately, my prayers are so much more uncertain. It's like I am finally becoming aware of all the things in my heart that are barriers to obedience. I am shy, how will I travel alone? How will I stick up for myself? I hate change, and I need time alone in a place that is just my own, how will I jump around from place to place? How will I not have a "home" that is my own? Mostly, I want to get married. Not right now, but eventually. I know marriage and obedience in this case aren't mututally exclusive, but, trust me, it really does feel that way sometimes. I joke about it, but I don't know if I am ready to let go of my dreams of having my own family. I just keep asking, "Why me, God? I'm so wrong for all this!"
I take some small comfort in the fact that the Bible is filled with prayers that are so similar. Other people who are ill-equipped and reluctant, and who wonder why they are called to something so outside themselves. That, I get. I can persevere through that if it is for the glory of God. I can handle a lot if I know there is some purpose for the sacrifice, no matter how abstract and distant that purpose is. I'm not saying I would love to sacrifice all my hopes and dreams, I'm just saying I can. I can do it and keep going.
But, on the other side, there are people in the world, like James Nachtwey, for example, that do the hardest things and seem to be totally without doubt that they are doing exactly what they should be doing. Our culture puts so much pressure on being happy in the field you have chosen. I guess I feel like I shouldn't have doubts about this. Like being obedient should be enough to make me happy all the time.

Anyway. I guess I am a little jealous. But mostly in awe of the strength of spirit it takes to do something like this guy does. I hope that when it comes down to it, I have that same strength of spirit.

P.S. I just bought this documentary today, so if anyone wants to watch it, let me know...

a discovery.

So, my aunt bought me these sweet speakers for Christmas. They are really nice but they have a seperate sub and this plug-in control thingy (I think that is the technical term for it). Anyway, using the control you can adjust the volume and the bass. Somehow, it happened that they got stuck with the bass on the maximum level, and wouldn't turn down. I tried everything to get them to work again, but they wouldn't, so I was getting ready to pack everything up and try to return it (would have been a bummer since they are mounted on the wall and the cables are all mixed in with the cables to my computer/external hard drive/every other electronic device I own...). Then today, out of nowhere, I tripped over the cord, and everything started working again.
All I can say is Jesus must have been answering my prayers about fixing them, because I was very vocal yesterday about NOT wanting to take everything apart. ;)

slammed!

Today was another crazy day at work. I spent over 8 hours there and pretty much the only thing I did all day was attend to immediate needs. Forget planning ahead for anything. Usually we have a pretty good system down, but with the bad weather and people off school and work, it has been literally nonstop for two full days. Everybody was working really hard, and a ton of people couldn't make it in for their shifts, so people came in early and stayed long after they were supposed to. Shineadth even came in early and went to QFC to get us more milk (we ran out because our dairy shipment didn't come in last night). So, basically, things were... hectic.
I've heard the weather report for tonight is not good, and the art institute was closed all day today, which means I might miss my classes tomorrow. I am not too happy about that-- I really want to go. I guess it might be nice to have a break, but honestly, if roads/schools are closed tomorrow, and I don't get to go in for classes, I will probably just pick up an extra shift at work... they will probably need me.

Anyway. I am going to go do my homework, because if I do have school tomorrow, I want to be prepared. :)

snow days = no fun for baristas

Today was crazy. I am extremely tired. I am thinking of doing my homework for Thursday but I might just put it off until after work tomorrow. Not that it will be any easier tomorrow night... but I am just so tired...
I am supposed to pick a scene with good sound editing and bring it in to CO on Thursday morning. But I am running out of good stuff to bring him. Last class I picked Spider-Man and Band of Brothers. You really can't top those, so I'm basically screwed. I think I might do 12 Monkeys... I will have to go watch it.

I can already tell this whole week is going to be crazy. But I get the whole weekend off, and I am already really excited for it.

i pretty much love channing tatum

what I think you think

Do you ever wonder what people say about you behind your back?
I don't mean this at all in an angry way. It's just one of the things I think about.
Even if your friends don't talk about you behind your back, the close ones still know your flaws, maybe even better than you do. Don't you wonder what the things are that annoy them the most about you?
I consider myself to be a pretty good friend, but I know I have my flaws. I am the kind of friend who will drop everything to help someone if they need it. I am loyal, too. All the friends I have now are friends that have stuck for years and years. I am a pretty good listener. I usually know when to offer advice and when to keep my mouth shut.
But, if I were to guess the things my friends don't like about me, here is what I would guess: sometimes, I get a little snobby. About random things, too. I get caught up in the things I am doing and act like they are the most important things ever. Like school, work, and church. I also act like doing these things makes me the most grown-up person in the world, which is ridiculous... but it's still how I act.
My second guess would be that I don't spend enough time with them. This has only recently been an issue (in the last couple of years). But when they come home they are not always first priority and I think they notice that and are bothered by it. I want to be alone sometimes (ok, a lot of the time)... and it hurts my relationships and annoys my buddies. Someone once said to me that they felt like they had to always be in a state of emergency in order to get my attention. That made me feel bad, so I've been working on being a more attentive friend. It's been two years since that comment and I think by now I am finally doing a little bit better. I think.
The guys have different complaints, I'm sure. Probably that I get frustrated with them too easily and don't communicate why. Matt is a different story altogether (his is my most complex friendship), but he is pretty honest with me about stuff. And I know him wayyyyy too well (he is mad right now because I haven't visited him at school yet, for example. I can tell he is mad because he jokes about it frequently).

Annnnyway. My point being, I wonder sometimes what these things are, because if I knew, I could just fix them and then all my relationships would be great all the time. I know my friends won't tell me what they think I need to improve on, so I'm just guessing. I do know my own flaws pretty well, after all, because I get to deal with all of them every day.

n'est pas rien

Every time I run, I am getting closer and closer to my target distance. The last ten minutes or so, and especially the last five, I have to push myself to keep going. What I tell myself is that if I finish, I will feel good about myself. If I don't, I will just beat myself up over it later. So far I have never quit early or failed to reach my target for the day.

I wanted to write more but I am exhausted and I have a 6am shift tomorrow!

genesis 5

My mentor, Sarah Howson, and I have committed to reading through the Bible together this year. It really isn't all that big of a deal if you keep up with the reading, but for a while there I wasn't, so I read a huge chunk of it today to catch up. So far we are through Genesis 30 and Matthew 6.
It's a cool experience for me to be doing this right now because I just finished a book about Biblical theology. Having come from where I was six months ago, (which was basically that I had no idea where to find things or how to begin studying the Bible) I feel like I at least know how to get started. I have an extremely basic understanding of where things are and what they mean (or how to find out what they mean). So basically I feel slightly less clueless.
All of these questions have been coming up, though. A few days ago I was reading Genesis 5, which is where it talks about the descendants of Adam and follows all the way to Noah. But it also lists how old they were when they had sons and how old they were when they died. Back in the day, people lived a long freaking time.
However, as I was reading through the passage, something about the numbers struck me kinda funny. Methuselah in particular seemed like he lived longer than was possible, since he definitely wasn't on board the ark and the flood probably occurred during his lifetime. Lamech also seemed pretty close.
So, after letting it bug me for a few days, I sat down today between classes and worked out all the math. According to the ages and times listed in that passage, the flood occurred 1,656 years after the birth of Seth (Adam's son). Methuselah was born 687 years after Seth was born and lived for 969 years. Lamech (Methuselah's son, Noah's father) was born 874 years after Seth and lived 777 years (what a lucky number). The flood occurred when Noah was 600 years old.
So, according to my calculations, Lamech died 5 years before the flood occurred, but his father Methuselah died the same year as the flood. Which I was relieved to find, because I would have been extremely frustrated if the numbers didn't work out.
But it raised another question for me. Was Methuselah one of the unrighteous who died in the flood, or was it merely a coincidence? It seems like it would have been mentioned if he had, but then again the Bible is very sparse on the details sometimes, if you know what I mean.
I don't know, I just found the whole thing pretty interesting. I have been learning a lot from asking those kinds of questions and from reading in a new translation. Before I have read in NIV, but the bible I have now is NAS, which makes a difference. Things are worded a little differently and it definitely makes me think more deeply about what I am reading.

In other news... my class this morning was amazing. The professor is one I've had before and I really like him. Plus, it is an intermediate sound design class, so we'll get to do more tech stuff than we did before. I like the science classes (the ones in my field) more than the art classes. They are less abstract and touchy-feely, which can get tiring really fast. Hooray for getting a BS and not a BFA. What in the world would I do with an art degree...

Anyway, I'm out. I get to meet with Sarah soon and then I am off to scriptwriting later tonight!

hooray for learning!

school starts tommorrow. I'm excited. Even though it means getting up early another two days every week. I'm ready for it.

I've been thinking quite a bit lately about my education, and my plans, and my personal ministry philosophy, and it seems like I just keep getting myself more confused. I have never been more unsure of what I want or how to pursue it.
College is a funny life stage.

this thing that happened

First of all, I really hate putting on makeup, especially in the morning. I also tend to overestimate my own beauty right after I wake up. The result is that usually I decide I don't need any makeup at all and then I get to work and realize that I don't look nearly as good as I thought I did. However, I also hate getting hit on at work, so I guess it works out well in the end that I look kind of pale and sickly.
Speaking of getting hit on at work, I had this experience while I was sweeping the lobby today. It wasn't so much getting hit on as it was getting hit with a cup of 195-degree milk and coffee. (I know that it was 195 degrees because we had just finished steaming it for what can only be described as one of the most ridiculous drink orders I have ever heard. There were seriously at least two things in each box, AND the customer was rude, which made it worse.) Anyway. I am out sweeping and minding my own business when this customer comes charging through the hallway. She did not touch me. In fact she never even came close, but about two feet from me she just tipped her coffee straight over onto the spot where I was standing. I jumped back and managed to avoid most of it.
She looked at the empty coffee cup in her hand, looked at the floor, and then looked at me and said, "I just paid for that."
Uhhhhh. UHH. What? Really? Did someone really do that to me, you ask?
But I assure you it is in fact true.
Don't worry, I am fine. I wasn't too badly burned. I did clean up her mess for her, of course. And I obviously remade her drink. And apologized to her for the inconvenience. I even let it go when she told one of our other customers that I had run into her (impossible since I was standing still). He saw the whole thing anyway, so I'm sure he knew she was lying.

Anyway. I share that with you so that you can laugh at my misfortune. :) I had a good laugh about it later with my coworker.

P.S. Ashby, if you are reading this, it is people like THAT who deserve our mumblegrumble. A double tall, light carmel, carmel macchiato is nothing. A 3/4 decaf, triple grande, 2%, 2 pump sugar free vanilla, 1 pump regular vanilla, 195 degree, extra foamy, light carmel, carmel macchiato that ends up ALL OVER MY LEGS is something completely different.

justification of my previous post

Now you know.

channing tatum is the most attractive man who has ever been born. this is a fact; it is not open to debate.

Today I registered for:
-Sound Production (on Thursday morning) with CO
-Scriptwriting (on Thursday night) with Jackie
-Image Manipulation (on Friday morning)

I am pretty excited. I have missed school. This is nowhere near a full load, but I figure if I will be working and tutoring and all that I will need to start lighter and find out how much I can take. I don't want to get in over my head and falter.
I also met with Paul today. It was a good meeting, but it was supposed to be to solidify some decisions I had made. However... I walked away even less sure of what I want. It was weird. At one point Paul said something to me along the lines of, "it seems like you are feeling...[blank].." and it was the first time I can ever remember someone telling me something I didn't already know about myself. Clearly I haven't been spending enough time in my own head lately. I am totally confused about the next step in my life. I have only planned things so far, and I am getting to the point where I need to start putting some of my plans into action.

Anyway... now that I have been sufficiently vague... I also had the best run ever tonight. I have increased not only my time but also my pace this week and I haven't even been pushing too hard. Which is a very big deal considering I was sick yesterday and exhausted all day today. But once I started running I felt so much better and I ran farther, longer, and faster than I ever have before.

Anyway, I need sleep because I am going skiing with my dad/jeremy in the morning. Thank goodness I don't have to drive because I am going to sleep the whole ride up. :) yay!

Michael: I love her, Stephen. I realize now I love her more than I will ever love anybody else.

Stephen: STOP TALKING ABOUT LOVE. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing.

Michael: But it's true.

Stephen: Still doesn't mean anything. What you FEEL only matters to YOU. It's what you do to the people you say you love- that's what matters. That's the only thing that counts.

The Last Kiss

Decent movie, good acting, makes me want to stay single for the rest of my life.

Resolutions for 2007

I have been thinking about the past year. Technically, for my family, it sucked. But for me as an individual it wasn't too bad. Everything that I was personally in control of, I thrived in. I got excellent grades, got a great job that I love, grew spiritually and in my relationships, and even lost some weight and worked out more. Which is pretty good. So, although it was not a year I would ever repeat, I am proud of me.
I am also excited for this year. I got off to a good start with the first run of the New Year. Becky and I ran a 5k on Sunday night/Monday morning. It was soooo much fun. Easily one of the best new years I've ever had. It was nice not to have the social pressure and nice to start off in such a healthy way. I finished at 30 minutes exactly, which is even faster than I trained at. In fact it was my goal pace for mid February. So I was pretty stoked to have reached it.
This year I only set 4 goals for myself, and I am serious enough about them that I think they will actually stick. The first is to run 3-5 10-minute miles a day. I am working myself up to 5 by the middle of March. After that I will keep running 5 miles/day and add in a good weightlifting routine. I also want to swim one day a week and take one day a week off from working out. So I will run 5 days a week and swim 1 day a week. Today I ran 3 miles but not at the right pace. So I am still working towards the bottom end of that goal.
The second goal was to maintain a GPA of 3.7 or above. I don't know if that is possible but I am going to try. If not, I will shoot for above a 3.5 as my second choice.
The third and fourth goal I am going to be doing with my mentor, Sarah. That wasn't how I planned it but we randomly made two of the same goals and when we met today we decided to accomplish them together. So we are going to be reading through the Bible this year (starting tomorrow) and we are going to be running the Shamrock Run, which is a 10k (6 miles). That is double what I ran on Sunday so I figure it is a good second step. My goal for that is 50 minutes. We'll see if I can do. I have a long time to prepare so I think I can.

Anyone else have any cool goals? If you tell me what they are I will hold you accountable to them. :)