war photographer

I know that I have blogged about this before, but it was over a year ago, which means I don't feel redundant doing it again.
My first term at AI, Michelle had us watch this documentary, War Photographer. It is about the life of James Natchwey. He is one of my heroes-- the kind of person that I want to pattern my life after. After we watched it, I told Michelle that he was doing EXACTLY what I wanted to do with my life, and she told me that was part of the reason she showed it.
This morning I woke up with James Nachtwey on my mind. And not just him, but all the things he works for in the world. One thing I was amazed by is his dedication to his work. I do want to do what he does, but I get so easily distracted by all the other things I want to do. I wish I had the concentration and determination to just give everything up and go for it.
Or maybe I just wish I had the same one-track mind, I don't know.
Sometimes I pray that God will take away some of my other desires and passions so that I could focus and be completely fulfilled in doing his work. I get so tangled up in my own perceptions and my changing mind. At times I feel like I am holding on to a dream just for the sake of obedience. That is always so discouraging to me. I feel like I have always known what I am supposed to do with my life, and I have always been satisfied and complete with that knowledge. But as the reality of it draws nearer, I am less sure of what I am doing. I look for all of the things I can't do instead of the things that I can.
I remember that, a few years ago, I would pray all the time and praise God for the way he had worked out all my skills and talents to honor him. I saw how everything fit together so nicely. I knew foreign languages, so it would be easier to travel. I was very indepedent, so I could work without a team. I loved science and medicine, so I was passionnate about everything he was calling me to.
Lately, my prayers are so much more uncertain. It's like I am finally becoming aware of all the things in my heart that are barriers to obedience. I am shy, how will I travel alone? How will I stick up for myself? I hate change, and I need time alone in a place that is just my own, how will I jump around from place to place? How will I not have a "home" that is my own? Mostly, I want to get married. Not right now, but eventually. I know marriage and obedience in this case aren't mututally exclusive, but, trust me, it really does feel that way sometimes. I joke about it, but I don't know if I am ready to let go of my dreams of having my own family. I just keep asking, "Why me, God? I'm so wrong for all this!"
I take some small comfort in the fact that the Bible is filled with prayers that are so similar. Other people who are ill-equipped and reluctant, and who wonder why they are called to something so outside themselves. That, I get. I can persevere through that if it is for the glory of God. I can handle a lot if I know there is some purpose for the sacrifice, no matter how abstract and distant that purpose is. I'm not saying I would love to sacrifice all my hopes and dreams, I'm just saying I can. I can do it and keep going.
But, on the other side, there are people in the world, like James Nachtwey, for example, that do the hardest things and seem to be totally without doubt that they are doing exactly what they should be doing. Our culture puts so much pressure on being happy in the field you have chosen. I guess I feel like I shouldn't have doubts about this. Like being obedient should be enough to make me happy all the time.

Anyway. I guess I am a little jealous. But mostly in awe of the strength of spirit it takes to do something like this guy does. I hope that when it comes down to it, I have that same strength of spirit.

P.S. I just bought this documentary today, so if anyone wants to watch it, let me know...