real emotional things

i want to write about them but i'm so freaking aware of how accessible all this information is. all of the people i definitely don't want this information to get to would be the people to read it first.
but, well, here is the thing. I need to get it out anyway. so i will just write the basics and make it so vague no will know what the hell i'm talking about.
first off, i am the queen of impossible crushes. only mine aren't stupid trivial little crushes on people that i meet once or twice. they are intense, long-lasting, painful things that last years and years and only end when i am so hopelessly distressed that I finally just give up completely and hermit for a couple months while i'm recovering. it sounds stupid and emo i know, but i don't care. i am being honest. the more painful the crush is the longer it will last, the more intensely i will feel, and the worse it will be when it finally ends.
anyway, i say all of this because, well i am ridiculously upset right now for one. but also because i honestly do not understand how i can get myself into this same situaton repeatedly. or worse, how people can try and manipulate me (it's me. come on. i may not be the perfect person but i am a really sweet girl. and people seem to enjoy hurting me i swear, probably because it's so freaking easy. i practically beg for it).
maybe i am just too sensitive or something, i don't know.
people are just so bad and hurtful.


i hate this freaking guy.