silly rabbit, tricks are for kids.

I have had my cell phone, my computer off for three and a half days.

The reason why (or one of them), is I broke up with my boyfriend last Thursday. Nobody knew we were dating, and nobody cares. But I am pretty upset about it. I want to put it into words to describe it to someone and get it out, but I’m pretty sure I can’t. Eventually someone I know will read this and ask me about it, probably more out of curiosity than concern… and at that point I will be so ready to talk that I will spill my guts to them, genuine friend or not.

After we broke up (and, I should mention for the record I had also just had a very emotional conversation with my parents), I took the car out to downtown Portland and walked around alone. I ignored everyone. I drove out past student housing, past the industrial district, out to Highway 30. When I got there, I tried to find my way home on Cornelius Pass. Somewhere that road hooks up with Skyline, and when I found a long stretch of deserted road, I rolled down all the windows in my car and shouted every obscenity I could think of at the top of my lungs.
It was extremely therapeutic.
An hour after leaving Highway 30, I found myself on it again, this time in Scappoose instead of Portland. By the time I finally got home, I had been gone two and half hours, instead of the 30-45 minutes I was initially expecting. And that entire time I had been COMPLETELY alone. It was… freeing.

But so many things about this relationship, and that day, have made me think. Friday night I watched The Firm with my family. There is a character in that movie who reminds me so much of so many people that I love. His name is Avery, and he is an older lawyer the main character works for. At one point, he is trying to seduce his colleague’s wife, and he says, “I have a very bad reputation, you know. I tend to run around. The truth is… I love my wife. But for some reason, she seems to have lost interest in me. I can’t blame her, I have too. But ever since her, I have not been able to feel that way about anyone else. …But I’d like to. I miss that feeling a lot.” The way he said it totally broke my heart. I know I am young, but I believe people can find love like that when they are young. And I’ve seen the effects of losing someone you love.
In fact, I’ve felt it firsthand, in a way no one else I know can even begin to imagine. The feelings, I’m sure, are so different for everyone. But it makes me so sad.
I know some amazing, amazing people, who are alone, and dysfunctional, because of having their heart broken, or losing someone they loved. Just like everyone else, I keep trying to get somewhere near happiness with someone new. It’s just not happening. We are all so broken. Sometimes, I just feel hopeless.
Even if we have the capacity to love someone else with that same intensity (I believe I do), there seem to be insurmountable obstacles on every path. I think about entering into a relationship with someone, and it just doesn’t seem fair. At some point my heart will be in it, but for now, a part of me still remains in the relationship I’ve lost.

(it should be clarified: I am not talking about the boyfriend I just broke up with. I am talking about Mike.)
I feel like giving up, and that’s basically what this last breakup was about. I give up. Why try, why be someone’s sloppy seconds? Why let someone else be mine?

One thing that hurt me a lot recently, and this is only mildly related, is that a few nights ago my best friend spent part of the night at our house, and we were up all night talking with some friends and my little sister. At one point, Becca made a comment about who she should date. And my best friend said, “Every girl has this one guy that’s been their best friend for years, and stuck with them through everything, and always been there. And let me tell you, that is the one. He is the one you go for.”
I nearly burst into tears.
Yeah, I spent two years freaking in love with my amazing best friend, who, by the way, has the world’s most amazing girlfriend.
I spent five years in love with another best friend, and where is he now?
And. I know he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings.
But, it hurt like a bitch.

My point is, people hurt people. Relationships don’t work. I get stressed out, and I enter casual relationships that are guaranteed to hurt me. It happens every time, and yet I’m still making this effort because I’m hoping someone else is hoping for a second chance at all this shit too. And someday maybe we’ll actually TRY.