I had to post this too, just because it made me laugh:

Well, here we go!

So now that the cat's out of the bag I suppose I am free to blog about my current condition to my heart's content... which is nice, since I have wanted to several times in the past month.
Morning sickness and fatigue have so far left me simultaneously excited and miserable. I am thankful for these symptoms because so far they're the only physical proof I have that my baby is really in there. From what I understand it's common to feel doubtful about your pregnancy or fearful of miscarriage. I have felt both, and even over the past few days I've wondered if this was all somehow a huge mistake (although I don't see how that could be possible). So it is, in a way, comforting to at least feel pregnant.
The miserable part, I'm sure, explains itself. Let's just say I would not wish this on anyone... I am nauseous from the second I wake up to the second I go to sleep and can barely stumble through my work day and make it home without falling asleep at the wheel. At first I thought the fatigue was mostly due in part to quitting caffeine cold turkey (also the headaches-- alas, those are here to stay as well). But it has persisted too, slightly lessened, for the past four weeks and will probably continue for the next four.
Luckily I got some good tips from other mommies on how to handle my "morning" sickness, and reassurance that forcing chicken down my throat when I really don't want it isn't going to be good for anyone.
It's pretty crazy, this is not at all what we planned and certainly has been difficult to adjust to (at times I still feel really overwhelmed, not so much by the prospect of having a baby, but more at the lifetime of parenthood suddenly stretched out before me--if that makes sense) but the fact is it's hard not to be excited when you realize there's a little baby in there waiting to come out. I think I have adapted a little easier to the situation than Matt has, simply because I already feel like a mom and already wish I could meet my baby.
We have about 12 weeks to go until we can find out the sex-- which we are going to do-- and until our baby will develop ears and be able to hear us talking and recognize our voices. I can't wait for those milestones, or the first kick, or the first time I see the heartbeat! I mostly just want reassurance that he or she is really in there and doing just fine.
Anyway, that is all for now, I am sure I will have plenty more blogs to come.

Today I came home from work all tired and grumpy and feeling sick and guess what? my house was all clean (I left it messy) and all my dirty laundry was washed, dried, and folded neatly in the laundry basket AND NOT ONLY THAT, but my socks were folded the way I like them folded (we have a dispute about the best method for sock folding in our house). So that was a pretty awesome surprise. And now I have two hours to relax by myself in my perfectly clean and quiet house.... yay.

good call ashby.
:)

I have an incredible husband.
I am so thankful and proud.

I have decided I need to blog more. I don't mean to sound conceited, but I enjoy writing and consider myself to be a decent writer, and looking back over my 500+ posts, there are some things that are interesting to go back and read. And I want to have those going forward.

Update on producing

Today I'm reading a book about producing, and tomorrow I am meeting with the Sheridan Street team to look at their stuff and see how I mesh with the other creative partners. I'm kind of hoping this works out because I'm getting excited about it now!

Well, here I sit breathing in paint fumes and listening to the sounds of Matt cooking in the kitchen. We just demo'ed the office closet to make way for the new trim we'll be putting in (including brand new closet doors! yay!). We're also building a custom closet thingy for our office to store all of the many, many things we have crammed into the nooks and crannies of this place. Right now there is junk spread all over our office and living room waiting for a place to go. It's going to be a while until we can put them all back in their place... this might annoy me.
But... it is exciting to be remodeling again. The office is our first step since it's one of the smallest, simplest and least visible rooms in the house. It's also supposed to double as a guest room and in its current state it's under prepared. So I'm glad we've finally found some time to work on it.

In other news, I had fun last night with the girls but I learned two valuable lessons. One, wearing a wedding ring is not as obvious a deterrent as you'd think (so many people don't even think to check). And two, I cannot stomach Guinness. I've had it on two separate occasions now and both times was sick afterward. I know I wasn't overdoing it so I've concluded it must be something about that particular beer that my body just doesn't go for. Which is sad because I like the taste.

Anyway, I'm being called to dinner...

Ladies night

Tonight I'm going to Kell's with a few of the ladies I work with. I'm really excited! It'll be my first time at a bar and also my first time going out with a group of girls since before my wedding... most of my close friends live far away and getting together is either really difficult or impossible. When friends do come to visit we usually do things as couples so apart from the occasional outing with my sister(s) or mother(s) I don't get out much on my own.
Also, I am really thankful for some of the friends I've made at my new store. Two of them in particular, Amanda and Kenny (who I mentioned in my last post). Amanda is recently married (3 months ago I think), similar in age, and a believer, and we've really hit it off working together. So it's going to be lots of fun hanging out with her and the other girls tonight.
I've decided it is invaluable for newlyweds to have other newlyweds to share their lives with. It's been a comfort to me to have Amanda to talk to. Sometimes it is funny how as young marrieds we all go through the same things... I mean literally, I think almost every couple fights about the dirty dishes and the laundry. So it's always relieving when you voice something and realize you're not alone. Even though I think on some level we already know that's we're not the only ones, it's still nice to be reminded every once in a while.

On another unrelated note... I simultaneously love and hate birth control. There are the obvious reasons why I love it but the fact is that it has killed my skin. I have never had a problem with acne but for the past few months it has been a constant battle. I know that a lot of people are probably thinking I have nothing to complain about... I know that even my worst breakout can't compare to what a lot of people have to deal with. Even so, it is new for me and not something I enjoy. I've sunk a chunk of change into trying to find products that will clear my skin up but I'm starting to think it's just something I'll have to deal with as long as I'm on The Pill.
If anyone is reading this and has any suggestions, I'm all ears. I'm using clinique right now but I'm thinking of switching to their acne line because the regular stuff just isn't doing it for me. Of course this revelation comes after the $40+ purchase... ugh.

An interesting opportunity...

So I had an interesting proposal from a coworker the other day. He went to Fox with Matt, majored in Film, and owns his own production company (check out the website here). It's not a money maker at this point, which you can probably guess from the fact that Kenny works a second job and also from a glance around their website.
Anyway, I've enjoyed having someone to talk film with, something I've missed since leaving school. It definitely makes me wish I was back taking classes... but all in good time.
In the meantime, Kenny has mentioned he'd like me to help produce a couple of their upcoming shorts. Producing is really a pretty good gig... you're basically the organizer of everything... schedules, festivals, talent, locations, promotion, budgets. It's definitely well within my skill set so I'm thinking about whether I want to get on board or not. Could be fun... and I don't really have much to lose. Except time.

Oh man

I hit my head pretty good on the trunk of my car Sunday afternoon. So good in fact that I wasn't able to work on Monday or today. I slept all night Sunday night, almost all day yesterday and until 11 this morning and I am finally feeling a BIT better.
I still have a pretty nasty headache but I'm thinking a bit more clearly today and I'll probably be back at work tomorrow.
Still feeling a bit groggy, but hopefully that will wear off.

Real Simple is the best magazine ever

My coworker Amanda turned me on to this magazine recently and I freaking love it. It's like someone just handed me a life manual.
It has tips on everything from how to organize your kitchen to how to throw a party to how to get over illnesses. I even learned how to extend the life of a bouquet of flowers (a cube of sugar and a penny, store it in the fridge overnight). It's like every good tip that your mom would ever tell you all pulled together in one amazing package.
It's just nice, because being a new wife and homeowner can have its stresses. I have some high ideals. I'd love to be the wife who can pull together a gourmet dinner like it's nothing or set a table like a Crate and Barrel catalog. If I'm being totally honest... I have to admit that Martha Stewart is one of my heroes, and if I could emulate her (except for the jail part) I would be thrilled.
Anyway... I'm not really sure how to word it, but there it is. I just really enjoy my domestic pursuits. And yet there are the occasional phone calls to my mom to ask her what I can substitute for rice wine or how to make roman shades or whatever. And now I have a publication to answer ALL OF MY QUESTIONS ABOUT EVERYTHING.
So, in short, Real Simple is amazing. Seriously. And I know I've lost what remaining audience I have by this point in my post (probably my mother-in-law and possibly my husband) but there you have it. I just love how practical it is.
I love it so much I am posting about it well past midnight when I should be sleeping...

Kristin, I hope you read this at some point, because I know YOU share the love.

Goodbye Porter

On Monday my parents finally put down our dog, Porter. He was 16 years old, blind and deaf and couldn't really move very well, but I went and saw him on Sunday and he still seemed pretty happy.
I knew that this was going to happen, and I haven't really grown up with the same feelings for my pets as some other families have (like the Hartzells-- they really cherish their pets; this is something kind of new to me). However I did shed a few tears before and after saying goodbye to Porter.
The thing that makes me the most sad is not that he had to go, because everyone and everything will die some day. But my parents dropped him off at the vet and left. I think it would have been kind of nice to be with him since he was probably scared and alone.
Anyway, that's all I have to say about that.

I'm gonna tarantino it...

Today I:
1) cut open my left hand thumb with a box cutter (ouch)
2) got a performance review at work (doing good)
3) got a raise because of my performance review (I don't know how much)
4) welcomed my friend (alaina) back from idaho
5) didn't go grocery shopping

Yesterday I:
1) had to call my boss to let me into the store at 4 am
2) was reviewed (surprise!) and then complimented by our district manager for running the "perfect shift" (she didn't know about the 4 am part I guess)
3) started an intense bible study that I plan to finish in april or may
4) was inspired and brought to tears by the facts of this study
5) didn't go grocery shopping

On Monday I:
1) totally scorched the thumb of my right hand (if you are reading this far you will realize by now that I am totally thumb-crippled)
2) baked 4 completely different mini pizzas for dinner (pepperoni, taco, chicken bacon parmesan, four cheese)
3) left my keys inside the store to screw myself over the following morning
4) had my first ever taste of some kind of alcoholic tea beverage (gross)
5) went grocery shopping, but only one day's worth


I am desperately in need of groceries but I've learned over the past three(ish) months that I HATE GROCERY SHOPPING... and so does Matt.

Starbucks is just like high school.

If there is ever anything you don't want me to know about you, then don't tell anyone who works for Starbucks because
A) They are some of the most gossipy people on the planet and
B) They are everywhere, so your secrets will spread like wildfire.

I don't want to be a flake

Some recent events have really had me pondering some points of my character and thinking about how to change the things I'm not too fond of.
I am a very creative person, which is something I'm very proud of and, honestly, one of the things that brings joy to my life. I love to design and create things. I love learning new skills and I love being able to hold something in my hands and say to myself, "I made this."
My brain follows a million different projects at a time; I have barely written down an idea for one thing when I am already thinking about the next. It can get overwhelming at times.
The thing that bothers me about this, and I'm sure it is a common complaint among creative people, is that with so many ideas and plans, it is really difficult to be a man or woman of your word.
I really value stability and trustworthiness in others, but neither are traits I excel in myself. When I say I am going to do any given thing, I genuinely mean it and get excited about it, but mere months later I find myself struggling to follow through, if I follow through at all. Usually by then I have come up with a "better" or "more important" plan and justify my "moving on" from previous projects.
Anyway, in recent history I've begun to see the negative effect this can have on others, and I've started to think about how I can work on being more of a "do-er" than a "say-er". Life and plans change, and at my age and in this stage of life, I know I am naturally going to be less stable than others around me. But I would love to be the person who can be trusted to do what they say they will do. I would love to be described as punctual, reliable, and stable.
So I'm not really sure how to get there. I think sometimes it will require gritting my teeth and following through on something even though I'm ready to quit. I'm sure I'll learn to choose my words carefully when I commit to things or explain my visions. I know that I will need to pray a lot about where God wants me to spend my time, and surrender my plans to Him.
Anyway, my point is that I could use some prayer. I feel like this is a weak point in my character that has the potential to really harm my ministry, and I really want to work on it so that I am able to effectively serve the way God has intended.

Handywoman

Yesterday I took on my first home improvement project by myself... it was mostly successful, so I'm going to call it a win.
Since we have two bathrooms in our home we kind of have a "his" and "hers" thing going on. Both are pretty dated and we haven't done anything (except paint) to update them. The bathroom I use is also the most visible bathroom in the house, so it's kinda been on my mind that I'd like to do a little renovation in there, when we have the time and money.
Anyway, both bathrooms have these ugly glass shower doors. It's not that I hate the idea of shower doors, because if they had nice frosted glass or something a little more modern they might be okay. But they are hard to get clean and the kinds we had featured the 90's pebbled glass look, which I figure will not earn us any money when we try to sell our home. So I ripped them out in favor of a shower curtain. All by myself. And it looks pretty decent.
The only mistake was that in prying off part of the assembly I nicked the tub. This would have been a lot more disappointing if it was the first nick in our bathroom. But now it's just something I'll fix when I go to fix the sink that somehow got chipped also.
I'm hoping that when (if?) life settles down I'll be able to tackle more of these one-day projects. I already have several things on a list of improvements to do like: rip out the other shower doors (if Matt will let me in HIS bathroom), frame out the kitchen cabinets, and resurface the countertops.
But, alas, married life (or maybe summer, or maybe simply the aftermath of really withdrawing from society for several months to plan the wedding) has been busy. We have been out of town every weekend this summer, and this week (now that we are finally home) we have something going on almost every night of the week (wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday, sunday) and stuff we couldn't squeeze into this week already queued up for next week.
I'm sure all the moms (if any moms have time to read this) are rolling their eyes at me right now, but to me that is a lot of stuff going on and it's difficult to balance it all.

Wedding Photos

Mainly I'm posting this for the fam, but if anyone else is interested feel free to check em out:

http://kkstudioconnect.com/apps/customer/events.php?custID=81

Under user name put "zeus" and click login!

Final Cut Pro Editor

That was today's. The chances are really slim that I would ever land that job, although it would be awesome if I did, because it's pretty much my dream job.
Should I allow myself to hope?

One a day, every day

Today I applied for a position as a showroom assistant at a NW Portland firm. It's basically data entry/receptionist type stuff, but at least they are looking for someone with a creative streak.
This sounds a little more up my alley, so I'm hoping I get a call.

Today I sent out my first resume. It's for a receptionist at a financial advisory firm. I really want the job.

PR

Today I ran the farthest and fastest I have ever run in my entire life. Not that it was anything amazing- 3.66 miles. Still only about half of my goal. But I have now surpassed any past level of physical fitness. So that's a good feeling.

It's time for a new job

So here I am typing up my resume and wondering when I should tell my current boss (who doesn't handle employee turnover too well) that I want to quit.
It could be the hours. I've been working 4:00-12:30 4 or more days a week, which was fine when I was getting a good break here and there, but lately I'm lucky to get two days off in a row, and that is not cool with me. I have an assistant manager who constantly shows up 10-15 minutes late for every shift. He's stopped apologizing for this and I've stopped hoping this behavior would change if I brought it up to my manager. I learned very early on in my employ at this store that the manager and assistant manager have each others backs. I would find this admirable if not for the rumored reasoning behind it, which you can probably figure out for yourself.
One thing I have learned is that the best way to get along with people is to just accept criticism, and follow their correction. Even when I don't agree or am not responsible for something that has happened, I just take it. It's frustrating, because I sometimes get blamed for other peoples mistakes, but I find that trying to point that out never reflects back the way it should. So I am kind of stuck. Although I think the majority of the time I have earned the criticism that comes my way, so maybe that's not too important of an issue.
Anyway, the point of this post is: I am getting my stuff together and going to look for a new job. Not a retail job. One where I can sit at a desk and stare at a computer screen all day, and maybe have a boss like Michael Scott who I can make fun of on my luxurious weekend off.

Weight Watchers is the best thing ever

So today I went back to Weight Watchers for the first time in 3 weeks... and I have to say I actually missed it. For those of you who have talked to me about my whole weight loss journey you will know I am a huge WW fan now. There's really no substitute for a good diet and exercise, and I like how the resources help me to make healthy choices. I like the camaraderie too; hearing other peoples' stories is helpful and interesting and having a "weigh-in" every week keeps you motivated.

I lost about 30 pounds and I've kept it off about 6 weeks, which isn't a ton, but it's encouraging because it isn't as difficult as I thought it would be. Plus I feel great. I wasn't able to exercise much before because of the general busyness of remodeling and planning a wedding. But I noticed when I went back to the gym that things I thought would be difficult were actually fairly easy. On our honeymoon I woke up early one day and ran three miles without having run in several months. So that was a really good feeling. Over the weekend, Matt and I went on a 7-mile hike with my parents and it was fun, not painful.
So my next goal is just to get more physically fit. Matt and I are trying to go to the gym every week day but it's difficult to stay motivated. So I think I am going to enter an event, since it always helps me to have a goal in mind. There's a 10k coming up (the Human Race- it's the Nike one), and I want to run it. It's the 31st of August and it's about 2x the length of what I can run now, so it should be a doable challenge.
So ask me how I am doing with this when you see me. And more importantly, if you want to run it with me, tell me. I'm trying to get Matt on board, but I don't know how that will pan out. I'll run it alone if I have to, but it sure would be nice to have some company...

Anyway, that's all I have for now. I spilled a cup of coffee on my skirt this morning (which is what I get for not wearing an apron) and I think it's been soaking in chemicals for about 30 minutes now, which is probably worse for the fabric than the original spill.

I have the best husband ever

Yesterday I had to work late and when I came home not only was dinner waiting for me but Matt had bought me a video game he knew I wanted.

But even normal day-to-day married life is awesome. I know I am probably more optimistic than most since I've been married less than two weeks, but I like the simplicity after all the months of busy-ness and stress. We have so much less to coordinate. Not just big things, but little things too, like who's driving to who's house or where we're eating or whether or not we have time to run errands or pursue our individual hobbies. These things may sound stupid, but they have really simplified my life.
Not to mention the fact that I now live with one other person (and one small cat) instead of four other people (and two large dogs). Which means the house is always quiet (unless Matt is playing videogames) and if I clean something, it's still clean when I get home from work (no offense Owens, if you're reading this).

So, not to say that married life is perfect, because that would be unrealistic, but it is pretty cool. I've heard some brides get post-wedding blues, and I kind of understand how that could happen, but not me. I think married life is the best possible reward for enduring wedding planning.

when you have a bad day

Today was just not great. It started off that way, but now I am tired, frustrated, and my back hurts.

I came home from an (emotionally) exhausting day of work to roughly 50 unchecked emails, many of which were disappointing (the video guy who was going to tape our wedding just fell through and i have no back up plan and no time to fix it... stuff like that).

I really want to elaborate on all this, but alas, my own better judgment restricts me. It also, regrettably, restricts me from drowning my sorrows in a huge bowl of ice cream.

On the up side, tonight I get to pick up my wedding dress, and tomorrow I get to take the day off work and go to a spa in gresham to get my hair and makeup done (it's a trial run for the big day). So that stuff will be nice, and hopefully relaxing.

oh man, oh man

I have this cold that I just cannot shake. Maybe because of getting up at 3 for the past 3 days in a row... maybe because it just needs to run its course. But either way, my head hurts, my throat feels raw and even though I've been napping in all my spare minutes I'm exhausted.
And, on the flip side of that, I have a TON of excess energy... I feel like I just need to move. I'm sure that sounds impossible since it pretty much is impossible. I think it has something to do with mental stress and overexcitement about the wedding day, cause it is coming up! Or maybe it has to do with the fact that I lost 20 pounds and I'm eating better than I have in like 10 years. I hear that will do it too. Who knows. But I bought some new running shorts and I'm aching to go to the gym... once I feel like I will survive a few minutes on the treadmill.

I also feel like our wedding stuff is (maybe? finally) pulling together a bit, which is nice. Not to say I am anything other than incredibly busy all of the time, but at least I have a structured and reasonable plan to conquer the madness in the time allotted.
Over the weekend my mom and I went down to Gresham and looked for beauty salons to make us pretty on the day of the wedding. I have never gotten my makeup done professionally and I've only gotten my hair done once (for my prom). And it will be a completely unreasonable and outrageous expense that I will never duplicate another day of my life, ever. So that is my big thing to pamper myself and I am excited. I also get to go in two weeks before and have a trial run so I can make sure they do things right. I'm not crazy about the idea of having to pay twice for the same hairdo but oh well. Maybe I will convince my sis to hit the town with me that night so it's not a complete waste.

Well, this rambling has been therapeutic but I need to do some work now... I have like 20 billion emails piled up from the week of never checking my email... ugh.

I'm getting married really soon.
I have so much stuff to do in the next 40 days that it seems close to impossible that I will be able to get everything done.
Also, it's time to buy new clothes. Or at least a belt. Yesterday I used a paring knife to drill a hole in my only belt so that it would actually keep my pants up.

In other unrelated news, Matt is in Washington this weekend and I don't have to go to work, AND Kristin is here from Seattle (but not Jon). So last night we hung out and watched a movie (I will not name the movie so as to save what little pride we have left). Anyway... it was fun. And today I am going to do lots of wedding stuff... and pack some things up to take to the condo. And throw out the rest of my fat clothes.

I have a ridiculous headache right now; it feels like someone drove a needle right between my eyes...
A couple of weeks ago my brother found a little puppy on the side of the road. She's adorable (half yellow lab and half german shepard; 4 months old) but she really annoys me. The last week or so I have been woken up every day by her or Porter barking or Daniel yelling at one of them. It makes me really mad. Plus she jumps up on you whenever you enter a room, bites you, chews on your shoes and pees all over the carpet. I keep waiting for her old owners to come and claim her, but I don't think it's going to happen and Daniel is pretty much set on keeping her. We have a full house as is and two dogs is just too much for me. (She just woke me up from my nap so I'm a little grumpy.)
Also, today was my first day at my new store and it went well. I was pretty nervous because I had never met any of the employees there before (not even the manager) and I had an opening shift so I felt pretty clueless. The store is much newer than Bethany Village and has all kinds of equipment I had never even seen before, so I felt like an idiot asking questions all morning long. The whole atmosphere could seriously not be more different than the last store. It was super slow all morning and I was just standing around... weird. But cool. I have a feeling I'm really going to like it there. Everybody told me when I first come to be very humble and not try and act like I know everything. I really don't feel like that is going to be a problem since, like I said, everything is totally different and I have new equipment and people and routines to learn.
In other news, there are two games coming up that I want to play very badly, Grand Theft Auto IV and Gran Turismo 5. I have spent countless hours of my life playing GT3 and GTA3 so I'm excited for the sequels. In fact today I came home from work craving some GT3 action. I hardly ever have time for video games anymore (when I was in school I used to play them for hours and hours on the weekends), so I'm hoping after the wedding I have some time to play them with Matt. Although the inconvenient thing for us is that we both like single player RPGs so it's not very often that we play games together... although GT5 is multiplayer and I hear GTA4 has a good multiplayer function.
So anyway, other news. I have just finished the book Tweak, by Nic Sheff (see previous posts about Nic Sheff/David Sheff/beautiful boy). It's weird because I met him about a month ago, heard him speak and talked to him for a bit. But that was before I really heard his side of the story and I feel like I had no idea at the time what he had been through and how much of a miracle his sobriety was (or the fact that he was alive in general). I suppose this is true with all recovering addicts. But I feel sincerely happy for him, almost like he is a friend of mine somehow. I suppose this is just because of how honest and open his book is. It seems like you know everything there is to know about him. There are secrets in that book that, if they were mine, I would keep them to my grave. And he just kind of puts it all out there. Which makes me really, genuinely glad for him and his family.
Anyway, I guess that is all I have to say for now. I should really be doing something else instead of wasting my time blogging, but I haven't blogged in a long time and I had lots to say...

You know what I find interesting?
I think people who are married or in a serious relationship can attest to this... how much more protective you are of your partner than of yourself.
Some days, after a particularly frustrating day at work, I will complain extensively about the things that bother me. Almost 100% of the time I have no intention of making any changes at my job but I'm merely blowing off steam. But Matt's response is almost always "you should quit" or "that job is beneath you". I'm sure he sincerely believes all that although the prospect of quitting my job is unrealistic, I'm making okay money and I (usually) enjoy what I do. Obviously there will be changes in the future, but for now it is okay.
Still, I find myself feeling the same way whenever someone is treating Matt unfairly, taking advantage of his skills or his willingness to help. I helped out with Quake for a long time before Matt and I started dating, and it was always an unrealistic work load. Still, I was so much more upset (once we started dating) by what he was asked to do than I had been by what I had done. That's just an example to prove my point...
Anyway, my dad says he has seen it a lot as a manager. He said some of his most heated arguments have occurred when a husband goes home and his wife tells him that his boss is treating him unfairly, underpaying him, etc. They sometimes come back and demand a raise or a promotion or they quit.
I just think it is funny. I suppose it is tied in with seeing and valuing your partners skills so much more clearly than they can themselves. I know that Matt seems to paint a much rosier picture of my education, abilities and work experience than I do.
This week for counseling one of our assignments was to list our dreams for ourselves and our spouse. I didn't have very many for myself (which, I guess, is probably because I feel my education is incomplete and therefore I am unprepared to hold the kind of job I really want). But I do have a lot of dreams for Matt, because I see all of his skills and believe he can make something out of every one. I wrote that I would like to support him going to seminary, and maybe we could serve in ministry together the way my parents have. Or some day he could be an elder, because he has a lot of maturity and wisdom to offer, and he is very concerned with the biblical accuracy of his decisions. Or he could be a musician... or start his own web design company... or stay at his job and climb the ladder. There are so many possibilities.
Anyway, it is just interesting to me. I feel so much more upset when Matt is wronged than when I am wronged. I guess that is just part of getting/being married but I think it's neat.

I've spent all day working on our wedding invitations (which I am designing all by myself, and assembling with a little help)... and I am bored...

Anyway, I'm off to draw a map of my grandma's house...

beautiful boy + tweak

So last night my family (everyone except Becca) drove out to clackamas to meet David and Nic Sheff. David Sheff is the author of the book I just finished reading (beautiful boy), which is about his son's addiction to crystal meth. And Nic just finished his own book (tweak), which is the same story but from a different point of view. He's 2 years sober right now.
David Sheff actually turned out to be sick, so I didn't get to hear him speak or talk to him, but his son shared his own story and it was pretty cool. The coolest thing was that my brother came with us and sat through the whole thing.
It's weird, you read a story about someone else's life and when it draws so many parallels to your own you feel connected to that person... but you realize that you still don't really know them. And it was really moving to hear the way people communicated at the book signing, because a lot of people shared their own struggles and were open and honest and you just don't get that very often in life.
Anyway, it was a cool experience.

Also, my mom and I have been doing weight watchers and I am not ashamed to admit it because it is awesome. I have felt much better since I've been eating healthier, exercising more, and getting more sleep. As of today I am down over 7 pounds from when I first signed up 4 weeks ago. So that is really cool. I'm wearing some old jeans today which is always a good feeling. And it makes my wedding-day goal seem more realistic to have successfully lost so much weight already. I can't wait to get my dress and have them tailor it down for me (it was a little on the small side when I ordered it, and I have lost 1 pants size already).
Yay for me!

I'm tired but I have a lot of things on my mind... thus I can't sleep despite the fact that I've been up since 3:00 this morning (thanks Trisha for the drunken texting).
We've been really busy this week between wedding stuff and condo stuff, but it's actually been pretty fun. The last two nights we have been up late painting and wandering around Home Depot looking at carpets/tile/fans/you name it. I actually think having a project to work on is helping relieve stress, because I feel like I am accomplishing something. So even though my wedding stuff has sort of fallen by the wayside a bit these last two weeks, I'm okay with it.
I've had my doubts about taking on the responsibility and time commitment of a fixer-upper, but it's great. I like working hard, especially when Matt and I are doing it together, and it's fun when we agree on how things should look (which, surprisingly, is almost all of the time- even on the wall colors we picked out). So that is a relief that we are working well as a team and having fun with it. It's exciting to see things changing already and look forward to all the things we have left to do.

Well, i'll probably watch some scrubs episodes... they never fail to put me to sleep... heh

beautiful boy

Nic's friend Stephen speaks. He describes his lifelong 'dance' with alcohol-- he was ten when he got drunk for the first time. His wife cries continuously.
'We love you so much,' she says to Stephen when it is her turn, 'but I have heard your remorse before. I have heard your promises. I can't live this way.'
James's wife speaks about how he has plummeted from 'the person I respected most in the entire world, my soul mate,' to someone consumed with pills at the expense of everything else. 'He went from being the kindest, gentlest-'
The counselor, in a quiet, even voice, interrupts. 'Try addressing him directly,' she says. 'Talk to your husband.'
Looking into James's eyes, trembling, she continues: 'You went from being the kindest, gentlest man I had ever know in my life to a stranger, yelling at me, listless, depressed, unkind, and unable to share any kind of openness and intimacy. I keep asking myself...'
She begins to cry.
And then another, and another. They tell their stories, address their loved ones, apologize, rail at them, and weep. Our similarities are profound. To varying degrees, we have spent years accepting and rationalizing behavior in our loved ones that we would never tolerate in anyone else. We have protected them and hidden their addiction. We resented them and felt guilty for it. We have been furious and felt guilty for it. We vowed not to take their cruelty or deceitfulness or selfishness or irresponsibility any longer and then we forgave them. We raged at them, often inwardly. We blamed ourselves. We worried-- worried incessantly-- that they would kill themselves.

PS

I have now learned never to be offended when I am not invited to other peoples' weddings. I find it ridiculous that entire books are written on wedding etiquette, but I have had a week full of hurt feelings, misunderstandings and assumed invitations... ugh.
I am just making a mental note never to put a bride and groom in the awkward position of extending an obligatory invitation.

people are leaving :(

Yesterday Jen, my favorite coworker, had her last day. She is going on maternity leave for the next three months-- exciting for her, but sad for us. I hope that she comes back and becomes a manager (she is assistant manager now) because she is so great to work with. And she is an amazing boss. I can't think of a single person at our store who doesn't love her. And that is pretty impressive given the drama that goes on in our store...

On another sad note, my family (the Lewises) are moving to Arizona in four days, which sucks. It was nice to have them here for a while at least. They are our closest family on my dad's side despite the fact that my cousins have lived in Afghanistan almost my whole life. At least now they will be closer (and safer).

I had a crappy day

I've decided to blog every night before I go to sleep because I think it helps me unwind.

Anyway, today was not the greatest day. We had in-store training (I'm sure you read about it on the front page of the Oregonian. Or heard about it in the news. Or saw it on yahoo). It broke up my work day so that I left work and pretty much had to come right back a couple hours later. I didn't get out of work until 9:20ish tonight and I was in a bad mood during the training because of the day I had leading up to it. The training is a good thing but I was not in the mood for it tonight.
Part of the reason I was in a bad mood today was that I had a bit of a scare with one of my friends... there were some concerns about their health so I was waiting all day to hear if they were going to be ok or not. It turns out they are but the wait was pretty horrible.

...On a totally different note... Sometimes I think I would prefer to have a desk job so I can focus on one task at a time and not be worried about hurting anyone's feelings or stepping on peoples' toes. I work very hard and take pride in my work. Especially considering what I get paid (little) and how much authority I am given (very little). I know people (/Starbucks reps) would say that I get paid more than most people doing the type of work that I do, but I feel like Starbucks as a corporation demands a lot from its low-level employees. They expect us to care about quality and business even though it has a minimal impact on the average barista. I'm sure plenty of people could give me reasons why everyone should think it's important but the fact is, they expect a lot of buy-in from people who are probably just working there for a part-time thing.
I actually do work very hard and pay attention to things like the average ticket, transactions per half hour, labor, sales, quality, speed of service, furthering my knowledge, etc, etc. Yesterday I spent three hours in voluntary training to learn even more about coffee so I can help my store to be passionate about whole bean and brewed coffee as a quality product.
And some days I wonder why I even work so hard when all that stuff seems to kind of get lost. I mean I seriously work my ass off going above and beyond what some of my peers do. Unfortunately this really just seems to bite me on the ass. And maybe there is no point in doing that. I suppose I would make the same paycheck whether I go the extra mile or not. And if I'm not going to get another promotion (which it doesn't feel like I will) then it's not even like I'm investing in my own future.

Anyway, today just pissed me off. Some days I feel that I work hard for absolutely no reason, and today was one of those days. I think working has to do much more with the principle than with the paycheck. Because if I couldn't take pride in/feel good about my work, I would quit my job even if it meant giving up a steady paycheck.

Tomorrow is a day off, which is good, because I am burnt out and I need clean laundry really badly...

life and family

I feel really busy.
So the last few weeks I have been doing a lot. Matt and I looked for condos and hopefully are in the process of buying one. He moved (which, admittedly, I played a minimal part in). I'm trying to work as much as possible to maximize cash on hand. Which means I am picking up about one extra shift a week. I know that most people work 40 hours a week and that's not something to complain about, but now that I'm only getting one day off a week to do wedding planning, it feels like a lot. My room is trashed and I've been washing the same clothes to wear to work over and over again because I can't find any other ones.

Also, wedding planning is turning out to be a bit more than I bargained for. It stresses me out. I'm trying to keep things simple and delegate but it's still a lot of stuff to juggle.

So today we went out to Gresham and met with my grandparents to look at their property for the wedding. My grandma was very excited and surprisingly laid back. She said we could do whatever we wanted. So we talked about flowers and tables and chairs and all the other little stuff that goes into wedding planning.
Anyway, that's exciting because it means we actually have a date for our wedding! And now I can turn that stack of paper and ribbon sitting on my desk into pretty little save-the-dates.
Also, I am going with my mom tomorrow to order my dress. I found the one I want but I have to special order it and it won't come in for another three months. So that is also exciting. I realized in the process of trying on dresses that I am not as opinionated about the dress as most people are. I figure, you can either shop every single store til you find the absolute perfect one, OR, you can find one you like and looks good on you and buy it. Because, frankly, the more dresses you try on the more confused you get. And nothing is 100% perfect. So the dress is often this huge multiple month, multiple shopping trip ordeal.
So I'm not into all that, really. Although I have been getting pretty girly about the arts and crafts, which I guess makes up for it.

I hate it when, in movies, people cheat on their spouses.
I don't like it in real life either, but when it's paraded around for the sake of "entertainment"... well that really gets under my skin.
There are a lot of reasons why I hate it. Mainly because it saddens me. Also because it may actually be an accurate reflection of life, what with more than 50% of marriages ending in divorce.
But most of all I hate it because I don't want to see it. I hate to think that something so hurtful could be so romanticized to the point that we call it entertainment.

I remember the first time I really pondered this was when I saw the movie Lord of War, which was a couple of years ago. And the main character in the movie had no conscience. I mean, the guy sold guns to children. But still, when he cheated on his wife (who was, of course, a very devoted and loving wife who had no idea what her husband was) I was still shocked. It didn't really help that in that particular situation he was sleeping around with African prostitutes in a region where there was an 60% HIV rate, and of course he went home and slept with his wife after that. Which I suppose is reasonable given his character. But still, promising to love and cherish and protect someone your whole life and then exposing them to a deadly STD is disturbing (and also, thankfully, illegal).

But anyway, my point is that I wish this wasn't so prevalent in our culture that it is accepted as good or right, which is how it's often portrayed.

Anyway, I need to get to sleep because I have to work early tomorrow...

change is coming

So it has been a pretty crazy week. Well, it's only been 6 days. But it seems like there is a lot of stuff going on, too much for one week.
Yesterday Matt and I (but mostly Matt) got pre-approved for a mortgage loan. He needs to be out of his apartment by the end of February, so we are going to look for a condo next week. It is both exciting and overwhelming. We will probably get a fixer-upper type place, which I am excited about. Matt has lived in two different apartments in the time we've been dating, and I've lived in one before, and the one thing that really bothered me about it was that you couldn't make it yours. You couldn't fix stuff if it broke or make things better. So I am looking forward to doing those kinds of things. Hopefully we will earn some money on the place.
It is crazy to be getting married and buying a home, I never imagined we would be able to do those two things at the same time. I was prepared to wait a long time to own a place. But Matt and I have tried to be very conscious of our spending and saving. Matt more so than me; I don't have much to contribute. But anyway, the end result is that we are probably going to own our own place very soon and that is pretty freaking cool.
I have also been scrimping and saving and I'm going to be buying a car pretty soon here, probably in the next couple of weeks. Nothing fancy, just something that successfully gets me from point A to point B. This is still a really big deal for me because it will be the first major purchase I will make on my own. I decided several months ago that I didn't want to bring more debt than I had to into our marriage so I waited until I could just buy a cheaper car without making payments. It has taken longer than I thought but I am finally ready! That is exciting too.
And then of course there is wedding planning. And even though I watched other people do it and everybody kept telling me I would underestimate it, I still feel like I have underestimated it. So far we have made up a rough guest list and that's it. Although I feel like that's a pretty good accomplishment for this week.
Also I think I might go look at dresses tomorrow with my mom, Becca, and Brianna, since Matt is out of town. Everyone is telling me horror stories about dress ordering and shipping, so even though I'd rather wait, I'll probably look sooner rather than later. Because what if I end up being that horror story that has to walk down the aisle in a prom dress because her gown didn't ship in time?

man, i feel crappy today.