sick.

My whole family is sick (except for my dad, so far he is okay). There have been some whispers about mono. I really hope that's not it, but who knows. Mono would not be good... for any of us, but me especially...

Anyway, the point is, we don't feel good.

SCREEN TEAM

last few days have been crazy. school every moment. friend tony got alcohol poisoning, got his stomach pumped last night. he is ok. prayer would be nice (not that it seems to do a lot, lately).
homework load getting intense. screen team (alex + eli + i) working nonstop on ideas. they are talented. i admire them a lot. alex is hilarious, eli is one of those sensitive writer types, but good sense of humor. we make a solid team. ideas getting better from bouncing them off the boys nonstop. molecular bio, scriptwriting, color theory back to back. too much reading. this was my last day of classes until next wed. it is good to have a break. writing first scene of my screenplay, script for my bio movie. scientific research on the correlation between SCA and malaria. unicode makes me want to scream.
school is having spring formal event for the apparel majors. of course we are all invited. community stuff is rare so people are talking. it is a promotional thing like everything the Ai does. but fun still.
dmp majors are pretty elitist. find a lot of people who think like me. i have missed the guys. within our major we know each other really well. like a family almost. me, erin, and about 40 guys. have been hanging out a lot more lately. do this nerdy friday thing at cin 21. screenings. with all of us. good times.
i am so exhausted and tied up in school. thank god for the break. i'm getting stressed.
ash invited me to sunriver with the petersons and sanders this weekend. i said no but i wish i would have said yes. i wanted to do the night commute and i had class and i wanted to hear my dad preach. but im really craving some downtime...
worst post ever, i know. so busy i don't even think in complete sentences anymore.
augh
i need sleep.

dane cook

He is my hero. Honestly, the man is a friggin genius. I just want you to understand his talent. So I am going to give you a chance to experience the wonder through the following clip:
(As a warning I will say that Dane Cook is a very offensive man. I don't find this video offensive, but you might, so don't blame me if you don't like what you see.)



... Your move, Holy Man.

eat your bananas!

They are a good source of potassium which aids in muscle contraction and in maintaining the proper fluid and electrolyte levels in your body. Potassium deficiencies can lead to muscle cramps, so make sure you get enough!

all of the things i'm most afraid of have a way of coming out

There has been a lot on my mind for a while now. Last night I finally had my story approved for my scriptwriting class, and it was a crazy/emotional process. We had to pitch our ideas to the entire class (about 25 people) and then they would chew them over, and spit them back. Sometimes ideas were totally ripped to shreds. Most of the time, though, the class would listen and say, "That doesn't work..." or "I don't see why your character would..." and then we'd spend ten minutes or so putting the idea back together, only with a more solid foundation.
What I am learning about writing a movie (or creating a story) is that it is almost obsessive. You get these characters in your head and you start to feel certain things for them. They're like real people except that YOU are in control and YOU can change them. You spend a lot of energy and a lot of time going over them, making them real, making up stories and character quirks- limps, lazy eyes, nervous ticks, bald spots-- whatever.
The point is, you start to really love your story. Which is the point I was at when I started my pitch. I knew it wasn't solid or anything, but I was in love with the basic idea and the characters.
When I threw it on the table, Jackie bit immediately. It was such a relief. She seemed impressed, and she helped me fix the ending. Since it is a character piece, the story is defined by the characters who live it... and my ending did not fit with my main character. In the end, she was supposed to commit suicide, but the main character is too strong for that. We came up with a good ending and suddenly the whole story seemed to fit together. It was a beautiful thing.
The more I think about this character, the more I love her and hate her. I understand her but I hate the way she ruins other peoples' lives; I want her to get better but I don't think she deserves all the love and understanding people show her. She throws it right back in their faces; turns their love into pain. It is a terrible thing to write, but it is a damn good character.
As I was walking home from school running over everything in my mind, I was overwhelmed by how emotionally difficult this thing will be to actually write. I relate to the character so much. I hope I am not her, but I know that one some level, I really am. I can see my family and friends in some of my characters. I see situations I've been in and pain I've felt. This scares me. Some of it I didn't realize until I started putting this story together. And I'm wondering if the people on whom I've based my characters will know who they are, and that this is how I think of them. That scares me the most.
All of this is on my mind in light of the things I have been going through lately. I can feel myself becoming really selfish in the way I interact with everyone around me. My judgement has been clouded. I can't tell the difference between doing something because I think it is the right thing to do, and doing it to protect myself from getting hurt or to serve some other selfish need. That is what I see of myself in the main character. She does things to serve herself and prevent herself from more emotional pain. On the one hand, I think guarding your heart is important, but how do you know when to stop? How do you know the difference between protecting yourself and pushing people away and causing THEM unnecessary pain?
Right now I am seeking for the answer to this question. I do not feel like I can reach a conclusion on my own. I have been praying endlessly about it. Maybe if you're reading this you can pray for me too. I don't have the wisdom to discern God's will from mine, or to obey when I am afraid of getting hurt. So pray for that.
And also pray for this scriptwriting process, because I am afraid of that, too. And Becky... I will post the storyline when I write more of it. I really appreciate your comments on my blogs. I love you and miss you a ton.

(don't worry, i took the mug)

there are people getting stoned in my living room and i have a million pages to read for class tomorrow.

sometimes i really hate my roommate.

one man's junk is another man's treasure...

At our apartment building, right inside the door there is a huge shelf on which people can put all kinds of things they don't want anymore. I pass by this shelf multiple times every day and see all the neat stuff people want to get rid of. There are board games, armchairs, clothes, dishes... all kinds of stuff. If people don't take it after a couple of days, they take it out to the trash. But it usually gets taken by someone else in the building.
When I am walking with my roommate, she never lets me pick things off The Shelf. She hates The Shelf for the same reason she hates Goodwill and garage sales. But I love The Shelf, and when I am alone, I take things. Later, when my roommate asks me about them, I rapidly change the subject of the conversation so she will not find out they are used (by someone other than me).
I am telling this story because today on The Shelf there is the best thing EVER. It is a clear mug with a Twilight Zone inscription on it. I am debating whether or not to take The Mug off The Shelf. Probably by the time I decide I want it, it will be gone. But seriously. A free Twilight Zone mug. The world is a cool place...

Also, today in my molecular biology class I learned about something really neat. It is called the "Tree of Life" and it is a website on which you can find categorized information about any living organism in the world. Biologists from all around the world contribute to it. It's amazing. check it: http://www.tolweb.org/tree/

tuesday 04.18.06

I am pretty damn miserable right now.
I know that in the real world, people often act like they're not upset when they really are. I don't understand this game. I really value emotional honesty in other people and I make a concious effort to be honest myself about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. Relationships are hard enough without lying or masking how you feel, so I choose to be honest and open. It really, really bites me in the ass a lot of the time. But at least at the end of the day if there is a miscommunication I can say that it wasn't because I was afraid to be vulnerable.

once upon a time...

a friend and I had a bad fight. He was extremely frustrated with me because he kept asking me questions that I could not answer (I have trouble communicating... in general, and especially if I'm upset). We ended our conversation on a bad note, and I felt incredibly guilty the next day. I tried multiple times to tell him how I felt but it always ended up confused and I felt like I was being too harsh. Finally I decided the best way would be to show him my favorite songs and explain why they made sense to me. So i made him a cd with all of the following songs on it and wrote out the verses that I liked and how they corresponded to how I felt right then:

1. Alien Ant Farm- Movies

2. Cake- No Phone

3. Pearl Jam- Betterman

4. Foo Fighters- Disenchanted Lullaby

5. Something Corporate- Break Myself

6. Over The Rhine- If Nothing Else

7. Elton John- Tiny Dancer

8. Death Cab For Cutie- Tiny Vessels

9. Goo Goo Dolls- Iris

10. Jimmy Eat World- Hear You Me

11. Maroon 5- Secret

12. Goo Goo Dolls- Acoustic #3

13. Red Hot Chili Peppers- My Friends

14. Pearl Jam- Nothingman

15. Johnny Cash- Hurt (Cover)

16. Radiohead- Creep

17. Bush- Glycerine



... this boy and I are no longer friends, but I still have this playlist on my computer and when I listen to it I think of him, and feel guilty. I feel bad that I couldn't explain myself better or apologise and fix our friendship or make him understand why I act the way I do. That was nearly six months ago. Today I had a similar opportunity to explain my feelings to someone and I couldn't do it properly this time either. It makes me frustrated that I have such a difficult time talking to my friends about important things.

early character descriptions

I c+p this straight from Word, it is the very beginning sketches of my character, mostly relational things. It really has less to do with her and more to do with her family and backstory... I have the character planned out much more than this in my head, it is mostly a matter of typing it out and making sure it makes sense and is a solid and interesting person...
Anyway, read on if you're interested...


(First of all, she is capable of falling in love. More than capable of it, she is obsessed with it, that is the fundamental element on which this entire story is balanced...)

FAMILY

[[She is young, probably mid-twenties. She is a talented artist but has not painted for over three years (result of a tragic event- discuss later). She is currently working at a coffee shop for a boss that she hates (he is pompous and feels the need to micromanage every aspect of her job). She is frustrated by their dealings but continues to work there despite that (not because she enjoys the coffee shop, but because she lacks the drive and determination to find a new job). ]][<—move to professional life]
CHARACTER is incredibly intelligent. She spent several years at an art college but dropped out (result of tragic event- discuss later) her junior year. When she dropped out she was working toward an art therapy major- a combination of psychology and art, and interned part-time at a counseling center to gain some experience in her field of choice.
Her family is very worried about her and it shows from the beginning of the story. She loves her family very much (especially her twin brother-- the only one she communicates with regularly and honestly) but has distanced herself from them because of their concern, especially on the part of her mother. Relationships with her parents are incredibly complex. Her father worked throughout her childhood as an investment banker. He took an interest in his daughter and tried very hard to be a good father but CHARACTER put up walls as a result of his absence. (She sees their relationship how she wants to see it rather than how it is, which is a pretty safe generalization for most of her relationships. For example, she will claim her father does not care, does not know her, and never took interest in her. The truth is none of these are true, this is just how she chose to interpret his actions.) CHARACTER has closed herself off from her father so much that he can rarely understand her needs, although he has a pretty good idea of what her personality is like. He is concerned but does not necessarily know how to express his concern, so he leaves that aspect of parenting to the mother.
The mother was a stay-at-home mom during CHARACTER’s childhood and cares deeply about her. Through observation she has grown to understand her daughter very well. During adolescence and college, she was a great source of motivation to CHARACTER because of her constant involvement in her life. She is a fantastic mother but has the tendency to smother her children. As an adult, CHARACTER has made an attempt to physically distance herself from her family, primarily as a result of her mother’s nagging (which she does with the best intentions). The more distance put between the two, the more the mother compensates by repeated phone calls, lots of worrying etc.
The twin brother is married and lives on the East coast, so he communicates with his sister mostly by phone. He is also extremely intelligent and fairly well-educated. Two years ago he graduated with a degree in Elementary education, and he is now a second-grade teacher. He met his wife in college and they were married his senior year. They have two children (twin girls, age three). After he finished school they decided to settle on the East Coast. Because of the fact that they are so far away CHARACTER has never really taken the time to get to know her sister-in-law. To her she seems bland and uninteresting, a housewife, maybe a little too ditzy to be with her brother (whom CHARACTER values very highly). She resents her sister-in-law for taking her brother away, and although she keeps in contact with him, does not interact much with the wife or kids.
As children, they were incredibly close, especially in high school. Because of their shared interests they have learned to communicate incredibly well. Brother has seemingly unlimited patience and understanding for his sister, who is often dramatic and usually completely apathetic. His optimistic yet wise advice usually falls on deaf ears, but he is satisfied with cheering her up, and doesn’t feel the need to “fix” all of her problems. Brother is also very protective when it comes to dating. CHARACTER’s last boyfriend was a close friend of his and he is still distraught over his suicide (tragic event referred to earlier). He dealt with his grief after the fact with counseling, but is still visibly distressed by discussion of the event, and even more so by his sister’s varying depression and apathy (which he believes is a direct result of the suicide).
They also have a younger sister who is extremely self-centered. She is off in her first year of college and basically lives in her own world. She also does not keep in contact with her family members unless she wants something. ???She is pregnant (and single) although she does not know this (at least at the beginning of the story)???. She is less intelligent than her older siblings, and the sister-sister relationship is strained… younger sister resents the intelligence and talent of older sister, older sister is disgusted by younger sister’s arrogance and self-centered behavior. ironically, CHARACTER views herself as superior to her younger sister which is the primary reason they do not get along.


So... tell me... what do you think? Do you want to hear her story? Should I get rid of her and start over? I guess the family is a hard place to start because it requires explaining a lot of outside events. The family themselves are pretty stock but the important thing is how they illuminate the main character and her problem... I doubt any of them will play a large role except for the brother, and maybe the mother...
Okay... feedback, readers?

what if you can't fall in love?

audioangel2 (12:53:31 AM): did you ever read brave new world?
ashbyduck (12:53:42 AM): no
audioangel2 (12:53:45 AM): okay
audioangel2 (12:54:11 AM): well, in that book, there is a character named helmoltz, and he is a genius but he is trapped in a utopian society that uses various forms of mind control
audioangel2 (12:54:24 AM): and you look at him and think, wow, he has all the potential to start a revolution
audioangel2 (12:54:42 AM): and at various points throughout the book he seems like he is really getting it. and things are going to change
audioangel2 (12:55:03 AM): and then at the end, he disappoints you and accomplishes nothing and his life does not change.
audioangel2 (12:55:15 AM): he is basically one of my favorite literary characters ever.
ashbyduck (12:55:29 AM): wow
audioangel2 (12:55:36 AM): he is basically too lazy to live up to his potential
ashbyduck (12:55:43 AM): wow
audioangel2 (12:55:44 AM): and would rather exist in misery than fight for freedom
audioangel2 (12:55:55 AM): he reminds me so much of the world.
audioangel2 (12:55:56 AM): anyway
audioangel2 (12:56:13 AM): i really want a character like that, because i think it is such a good description of what people are like
audioangel2 (12:56:20 AM): it's more true to life than movie heroes
ashbyduck (12:56:20 AM): yeah, huh
ashbyduck (12:56:24 AM): hey i have myspace comments
ashbyduck (12:56:25 AM): or something
ashbyduck (12:56:32 AM): yes. i want to read this book now.
audioangel2 (12:56:41 AM): it is really really really good.
audioangel2 (12:57:40 AM): so, i was brainstorming ways to change that character idea or adapt it
audioangel2 (12:57:50 AM): so that i'm not ripping off huxley
audioangel2 (12:57:59 AM): at least not as blatantly
audioangel2 (12:58:14 AM): what i want to do is create a character that is trying to find love
audioangel2 (12:58:34 AM): and seems close to finding it, but in the end,
ashbyduck (12:58:50 AM): bails cause it's too hard?
audioangel2 (12:58:56 AM): no
audioangel2 (12:59:16 AM): in the end, she can't fall in love
audioangel2 (12:59:51 AM): and rather than finding hope, she loses it
audioangel2 (1:00:14 AM): i think love changes people
audioangel2 (1:00:20 AM): but only if they are ready to be changed
audioangel2 (1:00:26 AM): i think love gives life meaning
audioangel2 (1:00:29 AM): so if you can't love
audioangel2 (1:00:34 AM): then does your life have no meaning?

do you give up? do you stop? are there people who really are incapable of falling in love, despite all the right circumstances? what about people who put up their OWN roadblocks for love because they are afraid of getting hurt? If you can't break them down, does that mean you stop trying? if you are too afraid to actually feel anything for someone does that mean you're lost? does it end there? do you miss out on lifes greatest adventure because you're screwed up or because you have screwed up in the past? because you have met and lost the right person? because you're numb?
but worst of all, becuase you KNOW what you're missing? doesn't that make it worse?
i don't know the answers to these questions. i'm just playing with the idea. what happens to someone who needs love so badly they can't live without it... but are incapable of feeling it?
just turning it over in my mind.

no, i don't have time for this... but i need to regroup.

Today was a rough start to a busy, emotionally charged and potentially disastrous week. (Yes, I realize Tuesday is not REALLY the beginning of the week... but whatever).
As it turns out, the Stations of the Cross have been an amazingly huge project and despite midweek conversation (on the forum) the Sacred Space Team came together this morning pretty disorganized and with a LOAD of work to do. There are about nine people who do Sacred Space (Ash, Natalie + Joel, Doug Wilken, Nate, Justin, Paul, Todd, and me). Today we came together with only five and ended up with just me, Ash, Justin and Todd. It was crazy. It was literally a 6-hour long meeting, and by the end I was totally exhausted. I am really excited that the church is going to do the Stations of the Cross, but it has been so crazy (already) trying to make it happen. Yikes. Of course we each have our own workload, but I am scrambling to get mine finished today so I won't have to worry about it the remainder of the week.
Today was really busy with other things, even AFTER our Sacred Space meeting (we got done around 1:30, and Ash and I went straight to another meeting with Chris Lindgren). We got to talk through some cool ideas for GRACEworks stuff. I want to write aobut it but I am too tired to process it well right now. So that can wait.
After that, I went and played soccer with my exboyfriend (yeah, kind of awkward). He asked me a while ago to help him coach a team this summer and I said I would. He is a very talented player so I felt pretty dumb, even though we were just doing some drills and talking about organizational stuff. I never claimed to be good at soccer, but I do like to play. We will see how this turns out.
After that, I spent the rest of the evening working on Sacred Space stuff, driving around to get the materials I needed, writing/cutting/glueing/looking up verses. I am not done yet but I am exhausted. I want to have this all to Justin in the morning so I don't have to think about it the rest of the week.
Tomorrow Mike's little brother is flying in to be with his family (for the holidays and because of April 14). I love him so much but I am really discouraged and dreading seeing him. I know this is going to suck away my time and energy when I really need it. I have meetings and class Wednesday night (my homework is not done yet- ahhh!). I have classes all afternoon and evening on Thursday (from 12:30 to 10:00pm). On Friday, thankfully, school has been canceled, but I am supposed to go to the beach with Mike's mom and brother (another thing I am really dreading. I could go on about this for quite a while). In fact, I'm not totally sure I'm even going to make it to the Good Friday gathering. I do not want this week to happen. it is so busy and I already feel like I am just barely hanging on. I do not want the added emotional burden of everything that this Friday represents (not Jesus OR mikey).
Point being, atfer tomorrow morning, I am not going to have any time to myself. Which is why I need this Sacred Space stuff done NOW. But after hours of working I don't think I can focus anymore. I'm exhuasted. It's nearly 1:30am. Maybe I can finish it in the morning...
=( I can't put into words how discouraged I am thinking about the next three days. I am praying really hard that I make it through...

go ahead and kill them... but please don't break their kneecaps.

My brother and I, we are connoisseurs of violence. I enjoy gratuitous violence in action movies.
I have had my fair share of conversations about how violent movies are destroying my soul and desensitizing me and hardening my heart. It is true that I am quite desensitized to violence. However, there are a few things that will make me completely ill if even suggested. Most of the instances I am referring to occur when I have some kind of emotional connection with a character and they are suddenly, like, beaten to a pulp, or shot, or tortured. However, there are a handful of things that bother most people that do not fall into this category. I cannot think of any reason why people have such an emotional response to these specific actions but they do. You will rarely see this on film except for by the power of suggestion. They are as follows:

1) EYE WOUNDS. People being stabbed or poked in the eye. Also, eyes being ripped out (ala Kill Bill vol. 2 or Minority Report). I can understand this because I personally have a phobia of eye damage. The thought of it gives me goosebumps. But, it is one of those generally recognized disturbing images. That's why there is that whole "Stick a thousand needles in my eye" rhyme. Because the majority of people would do ANYTHING to prevent turning their eye into a pincushion.

2) ACHILLES TENDON. Speaking of Kill Bill, did you notice how everyone watching that movie cringes when the nurse's Achilles tendon is cut? When I took anatomy in high school, my teacher used to love to tell the story about the time he ruptured his Achilles playing basketball. Because of how tense that tendon is I guess it just shot straight up into his calf and sat there in a ball. He had to get surgery to find and reattach it. He said it was the worst pain of his life.

3) PROTRUDING BONES and/or LIMBS AT ODD ANGLES. There are few things more disturbing than seeing someone with a protruding broken bone. In middle school my friend Michael broke his arm one day on the football field and our teacher threw up when she saw his wrist which was literally broken into three pieces. He had bones sticking out the top and bottom. Yuck. Another good example that comes to mind is in The Shield when Tavon gets in that savage car accident and his arm is all twisted around at odd angles... yikes! disturbing!

4) KNEECAPS. Here is another place we don't go. It is rare for you to actually see someone get their kneecaps busted, although it is suggested in tons of movies and makes me feel sick every time. The one exception I can think of to this rule is the movie Daredevil when the guy is hit from the front and his knees collapse backward... ugh. Other than that, it is up to the power of suggestion. I mentioned this to my brother and he said he would rather see someone take a baseball bat to a skull than a kneecap. I found that pretty ironic. In a really sick way.


I could be missing a few things, and maybe I'm wrong about the ones I have, but I think these disgust and disturb the majority of us, right?

oscar wilde

True friends will stab you in the front.

cynthia nelms

Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.

albert camus

Man is the only creature that refuses to be what he is.

joseph roux

We call that person who has lost his father and orphan, and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence.

james baldwin

"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."

3 years of April 9th

Just for fun... I went through my old blogs today and looked up what I had written on this date for the past three years. Kind of interesting. I am posting them in chronological order...

(Sophmore year of HS)
April 9, 2003
The Princess Classics

Let me just say this: I know sometimes I may sound like I have mental issues or something, but really I have had a lot to struggle through in my life and the majority of it I have struggled through alone. When I say what I'm thinking it is a rare expression of the true state of my life and generally something I'm not happy with. So yes, everyone, be frustrated with me because I act stupid sometimes, selfish and hyper, and I can't calm down or be serious with you. I'm not being sarcastic: i do deserve it. i just want people to understand that I am just as frustrated with myself. But, yes... I would never tell them that, especially those who need to hear it, and I don't view it as an excuse for my behavior.
In fact, i don't belive in subjecting other people to my issues. So, in that thinking, maybe it's sick of me to write in here even, but the motivation is stronger and it's been making me feel, if not good, at least not quite as shitty.



(Junior year of HS)
April 9, 2004


Flattery is like gum. Enjoy it, but don't swallow it.








(Senior year of HS)
April 9, 2005

wow, I feel like shit. 
i think i need to go to the doctor.
i'm just posting because last night i got an e-mail from one of my dad's work associates who I've been working on for months about the AIDS crisis. The first conversation we had, I remember, he told me AIDS was "population control"; survival of the fittest in action. I went home and cried and didn't talk to him for like 2 weeks. 
Anyway, last night he e-mailed me to say he wants to make out a check to support our sister school in Kenya, because he was pretty touched by the presentation we gave last week. 
He also asked me how he could help with raising awareness and if there was any more information I could give him to pass on to others. 
I just thought I'd share because I was so excited about it. Other people getting involved is really exciting for me. Honestly, I think my experiences from the past few months have been the most rewarding of my entire life. 
I just keep thinking about some kid getting a roof over their head, or clothes or shoes, or breakfast this morning... and that just makes me smile. 
Okay... I'm going to the doc now. Everybody have an amazing weekend!








....yeah... ok, so i was bored...

april 14

Every once in a while I go through a phase (especially when I’m depressed or scared or something) where I get really quiet and really really boring. More quiet and boring than my usual shy and introverted self. They can last for a long time, even months. Of course, I can’t really help it, but I can definitely recognize it, which usually makes me feel even more crappy than I did to begin with.
It’s like I lose all power to communicate with other people and even though I want to be around them I feel totally lame when I am. It makes me think maybe I just shouldn’t fight my shyness and should just let myself be alone and be happy (?—if I would even be happy if I were alone). I can’t tell if people make me feel better or worse.
I had such a bad day today. I feel like everything possible went wrong. I hate my Friday class. I realized that next Friday (good Friday) is also the anniversary of Mike’s death. I am not sure what to do. I am not really sure what mourning is supposed to be like. Obviously I have it wrong or I would be feeling some kind of relief at some point. I think that is the general idea.
I am so, so, so, so, so sick of being sad.

I know this probably sounds overdramatic but I don’t care because this is my blog so I can write whatever I want in here. And if you know me you will know that I am not an overdramatic person. But I am honest and I honestly feel like shit.

SHAUN!!!

(In case you can't tell from the capital letters and the three exclamation marks I LOVE SHAUN. He is my favorite Art Institute boy.)

As it turns out, my "Chemistry" class REALLY IS Molecular Biology. Hallelujah, all my prayers for this week have been answered. In addition, Shaun and Branden are in my class (Branden is another cool DMP boy). It went from the worst class ever to one of my favorites really really fast. Soooo interesting! So fun!
Anyway, I have scriptwriting in about an hour, so I have to go cook dinner now.

P.S. -- (I am adding this part in at like 11:00pm...) My scriptwriting class is really cool. I love, love, love my teacher. The following majors take scriptwriting: DMP, ANIMATION, GAME DESIGN. I like the diversity, but I also like being with the DMP boys. They are rad and I missed them last term when I got swallowed up in gen ed. I forgot there are other people here who think like me. Our major is pretty small and interdependent and as a result we're pretty close-knit. So it's cool nerding it up together. Man, I freaking love DMP.

you may think i'm an artist, but i'm really a nerd

Had my computer class tonight from 6:00-9:45. Wiped me out, but it was really interesting. It's kind of a solo thing which is I think why I like it. It's not about listening to our teacher lecture forever or about working in groups, it's just messing around with different computer stuff on your own.
Today we went through computer basics. We are each going to design and budget for a personal computer that fits our specific needs. Mine of course has to be super speedy with TONS of memory and fantastic graphics and a DVD-R drive. So I spent like 2 hours of my class tonight looking through motherboards online. Reading specs and reviews from all the other video editing nerds. hahaha. yesssss.
The thing about moviemaking is that it sounds glamorous and completely badass, but the people behind it-- the good ones anyway-- are total dorks. Quentin Tarantino is a perfect example of my point. His movies are the epitome of badassness, but the guy himself? Not so much.

I like the night class thing. I'm more alert than I would be in the morning or right after lunch. Although I won't be getting home until 10:00 Wednesday or Thursday. And I will miss community group.

P.S. Where is my roommate? I am beginning to think she doesn't live here anymore.

school is back in session...

Well, starting on Wednesday. I went down this morning to check up on my grades from Winter Term and get my new schedule. This past week and a half I've been contemplating dropping out of Ai and doing a one-year intensive film program. School has been really difficult for me the past couple of years. The only reason I'm at Ai in the first place is because I really believe in the message I'm planning on sending with my films. I also kind of look at it as an act of obedience to God because he is the one who directed me there in the first place, and I know he has his hand all over this. But it's getting harder and harder to focus when I just want to get out in the field as soon as I possibly can, and start helping people...
I have really been struggling through this issue for a while now, and seriously considered it over these past two weeks, which is why I waited until today to register and pay my bills for this term. But ultimately I decided that I need a full degree. Without my bachelor's there is very little I can do here without connections, which will be hard to maintain if I'm overseas for long periods of time. I don't plan on working here, and if I do, it will probably be a temporary position. But then again, I don't really know what's in store for me in the future. Ultimately i want to be safe and have my bases covered, and know I have the potential to provide for myself and/or raise a family (?) if I need to.
So I went down to school this morning with my fingers crossed, hoping I passed all my classes last term and praying things only get better for me from here on out. I have been working pretty hard and just managing to scrape by in more than one area. But I got a fair enough grade report. I even got my first A, in-- are you ready for a surprise?-- math. Of all the classes for me to ace... haha. Guess I got some Owen genes after all. Just when I was beginning to wonder.
There was one problem in the execution of an otherwise flawless registration. I accidentally registered for Chemistry. Chemistry is my least favorite subject IN THE WORLD. I nearly flunked it in high school (my first term I managed a 65.6%, the lowest possible grade you can get and still pass. I'm pretty sure I dropped it the second term). The reason why I registered for it is because, here in art school, we have retarded course titles. Instead of calling a class "Design 101" we call it "Principles of Visual Communication." And, apparently, instead of calling a class "Chemistry" we call it "Molecules and Motives". I misread the title and thought it was Molecular Biology. Yikes. Big difference.
Other than that, it looks ok. Computer classes, one (only ONE- hallelujah!) art class called Color Theory (which means from here on out I can work in color, yesssss!), and scriptwriting with the most amazing teacher at our entire school. Her name is Jackie and she used to be the head of our department. The thing is, department heads are full-time, while most of our other staff is part-time because they are working in the field. Well, Jackie sold a script last summer, and is in the middle of working on a $10 million movie. So she pulled out as dept head but is still teaching this class because she is basically a freaking genius. I am so excited to work with her. That class will be extremely difficult but I didn't realize I would be taking it so early on. Usually most students take it their sophmore/junior year (the years run together, since we only have three, and it depends on your registration schedules). But I knocked out 12 english credits before and during my first term here, so I get to take it more than a year early.

In other news, everyone went back to school. My high school buddies are gone. This time it wasn't as sad watching them go. I will still miss them, of course, but I don't feel lonely here anymore. Still, it will be good to have them home for the summer. Maybe I can convince Brianna to stay here. Out of everyone, I miss her the most. California is just too far.