april 14

Every once in a while I go through a phase (especially when I’m depressed or scared or something) where I get really quiet and really really boring. More quiet and boring than my usual shy and introverted self. They can last for a long time, even months. Of course, I can’t really help it, but I can definitely recognize it, which usually makes me feel even more crappy than I did to begin with.
It’s like I lose all power to communicate with other people and even though I want to be around them I feel totally lame when I am. It makes me think maybe I just shouldn’t fight my shyness and should just let myself be alone and be happy (?—if I would even be happy if I were alone). I can’t tell if people make me feel better or worse.
I had such a bad day today. I feel like everything possible went wrong. I hate my Friday class. I realized that next Friday (good Friday) is also the anniversary of Mike’s death. I am not sure what to do. I am not really sure what mourning is supposed to be like. Obviously I have it wrong or I would be feeling some kind of relief at some point. I think that is the general idea.
I am so, so, so, so, so sick of being sad.

I know this probably sounds overdramatic but I don’t care because this is my blog so I can write whatever I want in here. And if you know me you will know that I am not an overdramatic person. But I am honest and I honestly feel like shit.