all of the things i'm most afraid of have a way of coming out

There has been a lot on my mind for a while now. Last night I finally had my story approved for my scriptwriting class, and it was a crazy/emotional process. We had to pitch our ideas to the entire class (about 25 people) and then they would chew them over, and spit them back. Sometimes ideas were totally ripped to shreds. Most of the time, though, the class would listen and say, "That doesn't work..." or "I don't see why your character would..." and then we'd spend ten minutes or so putting the idea back together, only with a more solid foundation.
What I am learning about writing a movie (or creating a story) is that it is almost obsessive. You get these characters in your head and you start to feel certain things for them. They're like real people except that YOU are in control and YOU can change them. You spend a lot of energy and a lot of time going over them, making them real, making up stories and character quirks- limps, lazy eyes, nervous ticks, bald spots-- whatever.
The point is, you start to really love your story. Which is the point I was at when I started my pitch. I knew it wasn't solid or anything, but I was in love with the basic idea and the characters.
When I threw it on the table, Jackie bit immediately. It was such a relief. She seemed impressed, and she helped me fix the ending. Since it is a character piece, the story is defined by the characters who live it... and my ending did not fit with my main character. In the end, she was supposed to commit suicide, but the main character is too strong for that. We came up with a good ending and suddenly the whole story seemed to fit together. It was a beautiful thing.
The more I think about this character, the more I love her and hate her. I understand her but I hate the way she ruins other peoples' lives; I want her to get better but I don't think she deserves all the love and understanding people show her. She throws it right back in their faces; turns their love into pain. It is a terrible thing to write, but it is a damn good character.
As I was walking home from school running over everything in my mind, I was overwhelmed by how emotionally difficult this thing will be to actually write. I relate to the character so much. I hope I am not her, but I know that one some level, I really am. I can see my family and friends in some of my characters. I see situations I've been in and pain I've felt. This scares me. Some of it I didn't realize until I started putting this story together. And I'm wondering if the people on whom I've based my characters will know who they are, and that this is how I think of them. That scares me the most.
All of this is on my mind in light of the things I have been going through lately. I can feel myself becoming really selfish in the way I interact with everyone around me. My judgement has been clouded. I can't tell the difference between doing something because I think it is the right thing to do, and doing it to protect myself from getting hurt or to serve some other selfish need. That is what I see of myself in the main character. She does things to serve herself and prevent herself from more emotional pain. On the one hand, I think guarding your heart is important, but how do you know when to stop? How do you know the difference between protecting yourself and pushing people away and causing THEM unnecessary pain?
Right now I am seeking for the answer to this question. I do not feel like I can reach a conclusion on my own. I have been praying endlessly about it. Maybe if you're reading this you can pray for me too. I don't have the wisdom to discern God's will from mine, or to obey when I am afraid of getting hurt. So pray for that.
And also pray for this scriptwriting process, because I am afraid of that, too. And Becky... I will post the storyline when I write more of it. I really appreciate your comments on my blogs. I love you and miss you a ton.