Friday, March 31, 2006
today i...
read the book wild at heart, because my dad told me it was based on ridiculous stereotypes of masculinity, and my brother told me it was the most genius book ever written. the debate over it among the boys in my family sparked my curiosity. so i decided i needed to throw in my own (well-researched) two cents. i won't pretend to know whether or not these generalizations hold true for most men, but they made sense to me. the parts about women seemed right on. for me anyway. i don't mind being a stereotype if its true.
3.31.06
it's dark outside as
moments; miles pass
the drumming of my fingers
on the dashboard; the armrest,
the soft taptaptap
that fills in the silence where i don't speak.
songs that whisper and slither
through the speakers and out into the air, i hear
a word here and there
that comes out clear
as it passes over your clumsy tongue,
and i say,
slow down.
what are you running away from?
outside,
worlds rush by in solid yellow lines,
in blocks of concrete that block our way
from turning back.
and you know that i am so tired
of everything here, and i would like
to close my eyes awhile,
and feel your smile swallow up the darkness.
moments; miles pass
the drumming of my fingers
on the dashboard; the armrest,
the soft taptaptap
that fills in the silence where i don't speak.
songs that whisper and slither
through the speakers and out into the air, i hear
a word here and there
that comes out clear
as it passes over your clumsy tongue,
and i say,
slow down.
what are you running away from?
outside,
worlds rush by in solid yellow lines,
in blocks of concrete that block our way
from turning back.
and you know that i am so tired
of everything here, and i would like
to close my eyes awhile,
and feel your smile swallow up the darkness.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
update on jak's surgery
[Dear Becky: I wish you would allow comments on your blog, because I always want to comment to you...]
So this morning Jak went in for his surgery. His roommate and I got to the hospital around 2 and hung out until he woke up from the operation. He seems to be doing just fine except for he is on a bunch of painkillers and when I talked to him he was still pretty loopy. I am really glad everything went so well. The doctor said it will take him a few months to recover but he should be able to go back to work after some physical therapy. He will have to pass all of the physical examinations again which is a bummer, not just because of his knee but because those tests are very hard to pass even without an injury. Some of the guys from the station came to visit him while I was there, which was cool.
Such a long day though. and by the end I was so mentally and emotionally exhausted I felt like crying. I spent most of the day just reliving past experiences and silently freaking out. I was in such a bad mood by the time I finally left the hospital. I took my mom to hang out with Jenn and then I went and had dinner with Todd, which made me feel a lot better. Todd always knows how to cheer me up and get my mind off things. He is such a good friend.
Speaking of good friends, Matt is home for break! It was fun to hang out with him, but also kind of weird. Our relationship has changed a lot since he left for school. He is no longer the first person I go to with my questions/problems/successes/failures. Of course I knew this was going to happen but it doesn't change the sucky feeling. We had a long conversation about our religious beliefs (Matt is Buddhist), and I have changed quite a bit in my thinking in the past six months, and it definitely came out in the conversation. And he just kind of looked at me like, "Wow, you're a lot less open-minded than I thought you were." Umm. I guess so. I really respect Matt, but I think since I have been in the process of reconnecting with God I feel like he has lost some respect for me. I hate that. It reminds me that relationships can only go so deep when you have such fundamental differences. He doesn't really understand the things that are most important to me right now. I can try and share them with him, but it is not the same.
Anyway, I would say more about the events of today, but I'm still processing some things. Thank you all for your support/wisdom on my last post. I appreciate that. I am definitely wrestling with a lot right now but I feel like it might finally be in a healthy way. I feel like God is calling attention to what in my heart needs fixing. I am still pretty bitter but hanging on to that has kept me from a lot of good things, like finding joy in my relationship with Christ and with others. I feel like after two years I should finally have my shit together, but I'm finding I do not and rather than berating myself for it, I'm just reopening the issue.
So far it sucks, but maybe good will come of it.
So this morning Jak went in for his surgery. His roommate and I got to the hospital around 2 and hung out until he woke up from the operation. He seems to be doing just fine except for he is on a bunch of painkillers and when I talked to him he was still pretty loopy. I am really glad everything went so well. The doctor said it will take him a few months to recover but he should be able to go back to work after some physical therapy. He will have to pass all of the physical examinations again which is a bummer, not just because of his knee but because those tests are very hard to pass even without an injury. Some of the guys from the station came to visit him while I was there, which was cool.
Such a long day though. and by the end I was so mentally and emotionally exhausted I felt like crying. I spent most of the day just reliving past experiences and silently freaking out. I was in such a bad mood by the time I finally left the hospital. I took my mom to hang out with Jenn and then I went and had dinner with Todd, which made me feel a lot better. Todd always knows how to cheer me up and get my mind off things. He is such a good friend.
Speaking of good friends, Matt is home for break! It was fun to hang out with him, but also kind of weird. Our relationship has changed a lot since he left for school. He is no longer the first person I go to with my questions/problems/successes/failures. Of course I knew this was going to happen but it doesn't change the sucky feeling. We had a long conversation about our religious beliefs (Matt is Buddhist), and I have changed quite a bit in my thinking in the past six months, and it definitely came out in the conversation. And he just kind of looked at me like, "Wow, you're a lot less open-minded than I thought you were." Umm. I guess so. I really respect Matt, but I think since I have been in the process of reconnecting with God I feel like he has lost some respect for me. I hate that. It reminds me that relationships can only go so deep when you have such fundamental differences. He doesn't really understand the things that are most important to me right now. I can try and share them with him, but it is not the same.
Anyway, I would say more about the events of today, but I'm still processing some things. Thank you all for your support/wisdom on my last post. I appreciate that. I am definitely wrestling with a lot right now but I feel like it might finally be in a healthy way. I feel like God is calling attention to what in my heart needs fixing. I am still pretty bitter but hanging on to that has kept me from a lot of good things, like finding joy in my relationship with Christ and with others. I feel like after two years I should finally have my shit together, but I'm finding I do not and rather than berating myself for it, I'm just reopening the issue.
So far it sucks, but maybe good will come of it.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
agitated
Lately everything in my life points to this one unresolved issue that I have with God. I don't talk about it very much, if ever, but it has become such a part of who I am and how I relate to people that I have a hard time remembering who I was before any of this happened. I am going to give you just a few examples of how haunting and overwhelming this has become. The deeper I delve into this story the more I can uncover about how twisted and confused I am as a result. But I bear intense pain because of it which is something I am constantly struggling to overcome or forget. My life and personality and interactions with others have been shaped around this struggle. I am sure you will see what I mean.
My junior year of high school I lost one of my best friends, Michael. How it happened was this: he was living in California at the time, going to school and working to support himself and his brother. (He was in film school and he took care of his brother because he had a drug problem. His father left their family when Mike was really young and their mother worked two jobs so he couldn't get hte kind of attention/supervision he needed here, which is why he moved in with Mike.) Both of them were really into extreme sports and got injured all the time. Mike was an amazing surfer/snowboarder/skateboarder. He was the most talented athlete I've ever known, and he was literally fearless. He used to describe himself as an adrenaline junkie. Needless to say it was a dangerous combination. The summer before his senior year of high school he was involved in an off-roading accident that landed him in the hospital with a broken arm, two broken ribs and a broken leg (femur). He had to have surgery and the doctor told him then he would have to take it easy on his leg from then on. Of course he really did not pay any attention to that at all and went back and started doing all the things he had done before the accident. Midway through his sophmore year, he had a bad skateboarding accident and shattered (SHATTERED) his femur/pelvis. He was still in California at the time, and had to have surgery again. Because of all of the hospital bills and being basically bedridden he dropped out of school at this point and came home to be taken care of by his mom (she is a nurse). I remember this vividly because the doctor told him he would be lucky if he was able to walk normally, and would definitely not be able to participate in any kind of sports for the rest of his life. He was completely devastated. One conversation I remember with him in the last two weeks of his life, he told me there was no point in living if he couldn't do the things he loved. Two weeks after that he started having complications from his first surgery and had to go back in for a second. There was some sort of problem with the anesthetic and he never woke up.
I can't really explain the shock. I remember the day that he died because we had a field trip i coudln't miss, which is why I wasn't at the hospital with the rest of his family. I had told his little brother to call me when he woke up and I was expecting it to be in the early afternoon. When he didn't call me I immediately knew something was wrong. It wasn't until I got home from school that day and called Lee that I found out what had happened. Basically, I shut down.
I didn't cry. In fact I pretty much pretended like nothing had happened. The next day I went back to school and acted normal. His memorial service was on the following Wednesday, and I skipped it. I NEVER brought him up in conversation and I shut down when other people asked me about him. I focused on school and work and started painting and writing a lot of poetry. I just can't find the words to explain how much this messed with my head. I really think I stopped operating on every level except for what was absolutely necessary for survival. Later I started cutting, but it never crossed my mind to be sad or angry at that point. It was mostly just numb. Like, okay, this happened, I need to move on.
Two things happened as a result of this event that nearly destroyed my belief in God. The first was that, the night before Mike's surgery, I had asked my family to pray for his safety. My mom was working that year and so when I came home from school I was usually alone. My conversation with Lee took place before she had gotten home from work. When she came home I was lying on my bed with all the lights off, just lying there staring at the ceiling, I think with the door open, and when she asked me what I was doing I just said, "Mike died." and she started crying and ran over and gave me a big hug and said, "Didn't we pray for him?"
I know she didn't mean it in the way she said it, but it shook me. It hadn't occured to me yet that this was God's fault, but it clearly was.
Mike died on Wednesday and that weekend was Acquire the Fire, which is basically this huge evangelistic Christian conference for middle school and high school students. My parents made me go to it because they thought what I really needed was to be around my friends. So I went. And I spent the whole weekend learning about how amazing and satisfying God is. And I don't mean to be disrespectful in any way, but it sounded like such bullshit to me.
Point being, that soon after that I stopped going to church and I really didn't start up again until about six + months later when I started going to The Bridge. That was more a process of identifying my pain and how it impacted my relationship with God. That was when I started feeling stuff again, and it was mostly anger and intense (almost torturous) emotional pain. I couldn't identify anything in my relationship except for that mistrust and hatred. At The Bridge it felt good to connect with that pain and find some way to express it to God. To let him know I was pissed. (When I started going to The Bridge is when I finally stopped cutting. It seems obvious looking back on it that cutting was a temptation I gave in to because I didn't have a relationship with God to keep me grounded or offer any kind of consolation for my hurt.) I have found it almost impossible to connect with God on an emotional or intellectual level since this happened. Most of my interaction with God is physical. I know this probably sounds like a bunch of crap but whatever. I talk to God with my art and through musical worship. I don't think this is at all complete or satisfactory or a good picture of communication with God but that is still how I operate.
Why this all comes up right now is several reasons. First of all it is approaching April 14th which is when Michael died. Second, we have been talking about Heaven at church and that has got me thinking. For the most part this has been crappy for me. I kind of alluded to that earlier and didn't post all of my thoughts on it, and Matt, you said you were interested. If you want to talk about it I would definitely talk to you, but I don't think I want to post about it here. This is all really really personal.
Tonight, during his sermon, Justin spent a good amount of time talking about our new bodies in Heaven. This made me really happy for Mike. I think about him being faced with living life in a crippled body, and how devastated he was by the thought of not being able to do the things he loved. Now he is heaven with an amazing new body. I am so happy that he has that.
The last reason this comes up is that one of my friends, Jak, has knee problems and is going under for surgery this week. Umm... yeah. The whole situation really hits a little too close to home. I am freaked out, for the obvious reasons. I know it is irrational to fear anesthetics but I'm terrified. I really don't want to lose him. And even if I don't, going through this process is making me relive everything that happened with Mike. It makes me nauseous and distracted and agitated. I am almost afraid to pray about it. But I am. I really hope something bad doesn't happen.
If you ahve read this far, thanks for staying with me through my ramblings. Please pray for Jak. He is a firefighter and this surgery will affect his employment options for the future. Please pray that he would have a sucessful operation and that I will be able to be supportive in spite of all my fears.
This is all just the tip of the iceberg, but knowing even just this fraction of my story probably helps you make sense of me in some way. I am still dealing with all of the ugly things that come from grief/loss.
My junior year of high school I lost one of my best friends, Michael. How it happened was this: he was living in California at the time, going to school and working to support himself and his brother. (He was in film school and he took care of his brother because he had a drug problem. His father left their family when Mike was really young and their mother worked two jobs so he couldn't get hte kind of attention/supervision he needed here, which is why he moved in with Mike.) Both of them were really into extreme sports and got injured all the time. Mike was an amazing surfer/snowboarder/skateboarder. He was the most talented athlete I've ever known, and he was literally fearless. He used to describe himself as an adrenaline junkie. Needless to say it was a dangerous combination. The summer before his senior year of high school he was involved in an off-roading accident that landed him in the hospital with a broken arm, two broken ribs and a broken leg (femur). He had to have surgery and the doctor told him then he would have to take it easy on his leg from then on. Of course he really did not pay any attention to that at all and went back and started doing all the things he had done before the accident. Midway through his sophmore year, he had a bad skateboarding accident and shattered (SHATTERED) his femur/pelvis. He was still in California at the time, and had to have surgery again. Because of all of the hospital bills and being basically bedridden he dropped out of school at this point and came home to be taken care of by his mom (she is a nurse). I remember this vividly because the doctor told him he would be lucky if he was able to walk normally, and would definitely not be able to participate in any kind of sports for the rest of his life. He was completely devastated. One conversation I remember with him in the last two weeks of his life, he told me there was no point in living if he couldn't do the things he loved. Two weeks after that he started having complications from his first surgery and had to go back in for a second. There was some sort of problem with the anesthetic and he never woke up.
I can't really explain the shock. I remember the day that he died because we had a field trip i coudln't miss, which is why I wasn't at the hospital with the rest of his family. I had told his little brother to call me when he woke up and I was expecting it to be in the early afternoon. When he didn't call me I immediately knew something was wrong. It wasn't until I got home from school that day and called Lee that I found out what had happened. Basically, I shut down.
I didn't cry. In fact I pretty much pretended like nothing had happened. The next day I went back to school and acted normal. His memorial service was on the following Wednesday, and I skipped it. I NEVER brought him up in conversation and I shut down when other people asked me about him. I focused on school and work and started painting and writing a lot of poetry. I just can't find the words to explain how much this messed with my head. I really think I stopped operating on every level except for what was absolutely necessary for survival. Later I started cutting, but it never crossed my mind to be sad or angry at that point. It was mostly just numb. Like, okay, this happened, I need to move on.
Two things happened as a result of this event that nearly destroyed my belief in God. The first was that, the night before Mike's surgery, I had asked my family to pray for his safety. My mom was working that year and so when I came home from school I was usually alone. My conversation with Lee took place before she had gotten home from work. When she came home I was lying on my bed with all the lights off, just lying there staring at the ceiling, I think with the door open, and when she asked me what I was doing I just said, "Mike died." and she started crying and ran over and gave me a big hug and said, "Didn't we pray for him?"
I know she didn't mean it in the way she said it, but it shook me. It hadn't occured to me yet that this was God's fault, but it clearly was.
Mike died on Wednesday and that weekend was Acquire the Fire, which is basically this huge evangelistic Christian conference for middle school and high school students. My parents made me go to it because they thought what I really needed was to be around my friends. So I went. And I spent the whole weekend learning about how amazing and satisfying God is. And I don't mean to be disrespectful in any way, but it sounded like such bullshit to me.
Point being, that soon after that I stopped going to church and I really didn't start up again until about six + months later when I started going to The Bridge. That was more a process of identifying my pain and how it impacted my relationship with God. That was when I started feeling stuff again, and it was mostly anger and intense (almost torturous) emotional pain. I couldn't identify anything in my relationship except for that mistrust and hatred. At The Bridge it felt good to connect with that pain and find some way to express it to God. To let him know I was pissed. (When I started going to The Bridge is when I finally stopped cutting. It seems obvious looking back on it that cutting was a temptation I gave in to because I didn't have a relationship with God to keep me grounded or offer any kind of consolation for my hurt.) I have found it almost impossible to connect with God on an emotional or intellectual level since this happened. Most of my interaction with God is physical. I know this probably sounds like a bunch of crap but whatever. I talk to God with my art and through musical worship. I don't think this is at all complete or satisfactory or a good picture of communication with God but that is still how I operate.
Why this all comes up right now is several reasons. First of all it is approaching April 14th which is when Michael died. Second, we have been talking about Heaven at church and that has got me thinking. For the most part this has been crappy for me. I kind of alluded to that earlier and didn't post all of my thoughts on it, and Matt, you said you were interested. If you want to talk about it I would definitely talk to you, but I don't think I want to post about it here. This is all really really personal.
Tonight, during his sermon, Justin spent a good amount of time talking about our new bodies in Heaven. This made me really happy for Mike. I think about him being faced with living life in a crippled body, and how devastated he was by the thought of not being able to do the things he loved. Now he is heaven with an amazing new body. I am so happy that he has that.
The last reason this comes up is that one of my friends, Jak, has knee problems and is going under for surgery this week. Umm... yeah. The whole situation really hits a little too close to home. I am freaked out, for the obvious reasons. I know it is irrational to fear anesthetics but I'm terrified. I really don't want to lose him. And even if I don't, going through this process is making me relive everything that happened with Mike. It makes me nauseous and distracted and agitated. I am almost afraid to pray about it. But I am. I really hope something bad doesn't happen.
If you ahve read this far, thanks for staying with me through my ramblings. Please pray for Jak. He is a firefighter and this surgery will affect his employment options for the future. Please pray that he would have a sucessful operation and that I will be able to be supportive in spite of all my fears.
This is all just the tip of the iceberg, but knowing even just this fraction of my story probably helps you make sense of me in some way. I am still dealing with all of the ugly things that come from grief/loss.
Friday, March 24, 2006
the shield is eating my brain
Today was day three (four? I've lost count) of our Shield obsession. Daniel finally went back to work, though.
I really don't like the series we are going through at church. It upsets me. We talked about it at Sacred Space on Tuesday and something Paul said about it really stuck with me (in a bad way) and I haven't been able to get it out of my head. I don't know, maybe I will write more later. Or talk to Justin about it or something.
Time for bed. I'm wiped out. Must've been all that hard work I did today...
I really don't like the series we are going through at church. It upsets me. We talked about it at Sacred Space on Tuesday and something Paul said about it really stuck with me (in a bad way) and I haven't been able to get it out of my head. I don't know, maybe I will write more later. Or talk to Justin about it or something.
Time for bed. I'm wiped out. Must've been all that hard work I did today...
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
this is how we roll.
So my dad is in Malaysia and my mom and sister are up in Seattle, and Daniel and I are spending the week alone at the casa. The last thing my mom said to me as she walked out the door was, "No wild parties."
Hah.
We have spent the last two days alone, indoors, bonding over pizza and TV shows. So occasionally I have left the house to take my finals (it is finals week) or to go up to the video store to rent another movie to waste our time... but pretty much this is all we have done. Yes, we are worthless human beings. But it has been a lot of fun.
Last night we made a bad decision that involved borrowing season one of The Shield from Todd. Everybody is talking about this show and how badass it is, so of course I have to check it out. Give it the film student stamp of approval. AND yeah... it's badass. Now my brother is addicted. He actually called in sick to work and stayed home all day and watched it. He already finished the entire first season and is a quarter of the way through the second (he did this in ONE DAY, mind you). That means there was pretty much no break in between episodes or anything. I think he got off the couch like, three times this whole day.
Of course I say this like I was not involved in this, but I definitely was...
Point being, it is only Tuesday, and there is probably a week or so of similar behavior to come. Also, my brother is my favorite person in the whole world, even though when we are together we become incredibly lazy and basically worthless human beings.
In other news, there is this guy who works at the Blockbuster by my parents' house. His name is Justin Cook. I think I have written about him before. He goes to my school and he is a game art major and a pretty cool dude. We get along really well and whenever I go to rent movies up there I usually end up talking to him for about a half hour. Sometimes he gives me free rentals or waives my late fees. Occasionally I feel bad about this, but it isn't like I'm trying to manipulate him or anything. I'm not the kind of girl who flirts her way into and out of situations. But I also am not going to turn down free movie rentals.
Anywayyyyy... so when Daniel and I went up there to get the shield, Justin was working, and I asked him how his finals were going, etc etc... and he offered me a job. He said he was waiting for me to come in so he could ask me about it because I seemed like I would be a good worker. And he pretty much guaranteed I would get it if I wanted it. And that he would work around my schedule.
I don't really want to work at blockbuster and for some reason I feel guilty that I got this job offer. But I really do need the money. Lately I am learning what "starving artist" really means, and it's not fun. I guess I am really not in the position to turn down a job that will give me grocery money. So why do I feel uneasy about this?
We'll see how this plays out. Of course I will probably see Justin tomorrow, as soon as Blockbuster opens, when Daniel goes to pick up his next hit of the Shield. I wonder if he can even make it through the night without a new episode. He might start convulsing and puking up blood. Only time will tell....
Hah.
We have spent the last two days alone, indoors, bonding over pizza and TV shows. So occasionally I have left the house to take my finals (it is finals week) or to go up to the video store to rent another movie to waste our time... but pretty much this is all we have done. Yes, we are worthless human beings. But it has been a lot of fun.
Last night we made a bad decision that involved borrowing season one of The Shield from Todd. Everybody is talking about this show and how badass it is, so of course I have to check it out. Give it the film student stamp of approval. AND yeah... it's badass. Now my brother is addicted. He actually called in sick to work and stayed home all day and watched it. He already finished the entire first season and is a quarter of the way through the second (he did this in ONE DAY, mind you). That means there was pretty much no break in between episodes or anything. I think he got off the couch like, three times this whole day.
Of course I say this like I was not involved in this, but I definitely was...
Point being, it is only Tuesday, and there is probably a week or so of similar behavior to come. Also, my brother is my favorite person in the whole world, even though when we are together we become incredibly lazy and basically worthless human beings.
In other news, there is this guy who works at the Blockbuster by my parents' house. His name is Justin Cook. I think I have written about him before. He goes to my school and he is a game art major and a pretty cool dude. We get along really well and whenever I go to rent movies up there I usually end up talking to him for about a half hour. Sometimes he gives me free rentals or waives my late fees. Occasionally I feel bad about this, but it isn't like I'm trying to manipulate him or anything. I'm not the kind of girl who flirts her way into and out of situations. But I also am not going to turn down free movie rentals.
Anywayyyyy... so when Daniel and I went up there to get the shield, Justin was working, and I asked him how his finals were going, etc etc... and he offered me a job. He said he was waiting for me to come in so he could ask me about it because I seemed like I would be a good worker. And he pretty much guaranteed I would get it if I wanted it. And that he would work around my schedule.
I don't really want to work at blockbuster and for some reason I feel guilty that I got this job offer. But I really do need the money. Lately I am learning what "starving artist" really means, and it's not fun. I guess I am really not in the position to turn down a job that will give me grocery money. So why do I feel uneasy about this?
We'll see how this plays out. Of course I will probably see Justin tomorrow, as soon as Blockbuster opens, when Daniel goes to pick up his next hit of the Shield. I wonder if he can even make it through the night without a new episode. He might start convulsing and puking up blood. Only time will tell....
Monday, March 20, 2006
because they're disgusting.
That's why I hate frogs.
Just think: there is a reason that in the Old Testament, FROGS were one of the plagues on Egypt. The reason is BECAUSE THEY'RE DISGUSTING.
Just think: there is a reason that in the Old Testament, FROGS were one of the plagues on Egypt. The reason is BECAUSE THEY'RE DISGUSTING.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Saturday, March 18th
A frustrating story with a good ending...
It all starts with the fact that Saturday marked the culmination of an entire term of research in my design class. A huge project that I have literally spent all term preparing for- an analysis of Robert Delaunay's "The Red Tower," complete with step-by-step breakdown of every visual element and reconstruction and reinterpretation of the painting with my own unique composition. On Friday night I put the final touches on my project (which also included an organized oral presentation Saturday morning). So I didn't really get any sleep. It was a long week and I was feeling pretty run-down but I was excited for my presentation and proud of my final project. I took my parents' car with me so that on the way home I could get my dad and take him to the airport for his flight to Malaysia.
I left my parents' around 7:30 and made it to my apartment building around 7:45. We have 24-hour security and I was worried about parking so I left the car in one-hour parking (which is RIGHT in front of the building) while I ran inside and showered, leaving my backpack and my presentation in the backseat. By 8:30 I was walking out the front door of our building ready to leave. I got to the car and noticed something alarming-- the back window on the driver's side had been completely smashed. There was glass everywhere, even on the dashboard. I asked my landlord (who was standing outside for his morning cigarette) if he had seen anything, but he hadn't. He asked me if I had had anything of value in my car. That was when I noticed my backpack was missing. And along with it my cell phone, graphing calculator, iPod, editing headphones (which are noise-canceling... ugh) textbooks, around $60 worth of art supplies, and my notebook with all my homework and notes (the week before final exams, I might add). My first thought was to call my parents, but I didn't have my phone and the office was closed, so I drove to school with the busted window and parked it on the street. When I got to class some great kid let me borrow his cell phone and I called my parents to tell them what had happened. My dad said he would come down and meet me, I told him the room number I was in. I still had to give my final presentation, and, thankfully, my project was not damaged. But I was kind of a mess.
Step one, make it through your presentation without crying.
I somehow managed to hold it together for that long. My professor was great, and excused me as soon as I was done. I thought about waiting in the classroom for my dad, but decided I would take the elevator down to the lobby to wait for him. When the elevator doors opened, he was standing there. THAT was when I burst into tears with my "I'm so sorry, I feel like it was my fault, that was so scary," etc. Good old papa. He was totally calm. He had already seen the car. We drove back to my apartment complex, which is where we were going to wait for the police.
Step two, file a police report.
I was on hold for twenty minutes before I ever got through. Then an operator told me I needed to call back. By the time the officer finally got to my apartment I had been waiting almost an hour. He took all of our information, saw the vehicle, recorded the damages (it came to around $1000 for the stuff that had been stolen) and said I could access the report in a couple of days. We got back in the car and drove to my parents' house.
Step three, pick up the pieces.
While I vacuumed out the car my mom made calls to the phone company to cancel my service. I have personal information on my phone like billing info that could be dangerous. Now it is around 11:00 am, and my extended family is coming over soon to celebrate my cousins birthday.
Step four, call the insurance. (see also: Step five, be ridiculously frustrated.)
The nice woman on the end of the line tells me that insurance covers both the damage to the car and the stolen items, but on different policies. The car is covered by auto insurance, but the property goes under our house insurance. Both have a $500 deductible. Meaning, we are not going to get enough to cover the damages, not by a long shot. I can't begin to replace things until the claim goes through because the insurance company may help with specific items (cell phone) and I don't want to pay full price when I might get a deduction. So, we wait.
This is where the story shifts from bad to good. I had invited my roommate to come out to Beaverton and spend some time with my extended family, and I was worried that, since I ahd to take my dad to the airport, she would come when I was gone, get freaked out and leave. I left for the airport with this thought in my head and when I got back home (I had to stop by my apartment to pick up all of my crap. Basically, without my cell phone I won't be able to contact anyone about my insurance information, so I need to stay at my parents' until I hear back from the police/insurance and can get my phone replaced) Colie wasn't there. I asked around if she had come and my mom said she had, but she'd left. She wouldn't really answer any more questions about it and I was disappointed so I didn't really press her.
Around a half an hour later she and my sister came in holding a Victoria's Secret bag. She said she had gotten me something (I was a little worried she was gonna hand me an elaborate bra in front of my grandparents, but I figured it was probably lotion or something). It was actually an iPod nano. Colie and Becca had gone and split the cost of this nano when Colie heard about the break-in. I was so touched by this that I cried, for the second time that day. I felt SO loved, by both of them.
Really, even thinking back on how I felt that moment, I still can't think of words. It wasn't even the gift itself, although I really like it. It was more that they cared enough about me that they would spend their time and money (my sister used all of her babysitting money, my roommate isn't getting another paycheck until tomorrow, so I don't know where her money came from, but probably savings...) just to cheer me up. Just because I had a crappy day.
This process has not been a fun one, but I was so encouraged by that gesture that it made up for how upset and stressed I have been about everything else. My family, and my roommate, were all great through everything. I'm beginning to realize how blessed I have been with amazing family and friends, and how, in the end, that is way more important than all of my other stuff.
After all, it is only stuff.
It all starts with the fact that Saturday marked the culmination of an entire term of research in my design class. A huge project that I have literally spent all term preparing for- an analysis of Robert Delaunay's "The Red Tower," complete with step-by-step breakdown of every visual element and reconstruction and reinterpretation of the painting with my own unique composition. On Friday night I put the final touches on my project (which also included an organized oral presentation Saturday morning). So I didn't really get any sleep. It was a long week and I was feeling pretty run-down but I was excited for my presentation and proud of my final project. I took my parents' car with me so that on the way home I could get my dad and take him to the airport for his flight to Malaysia.
I left my parents' around 7:30 and made it to my apartment building around 7:45. We have 24-hour security and I was worried about parking so I left the car in one-hour parking (which is RIGHT in front of the building) while I ran inside and showered, leaving my backpack and my presentation in the backseat. By 8:30 I was walking out the front door of our building ready to leave. I got to the car and noticed something alarming-- the back window on the driver's side had been completely smashed. There was glass everywhere, even on the dashboard. I asked my landlord (who was standing outside for his morning cigarette) if he had seen anything, but he hadn't. He asked me if I had had anything of value in my car. That was when I noticed my backpack was missing. And along with it my cell phone, graphing calculator, iPod, editing headphones (which are noise-canceling... ugh) textbooks, around $60 worth of art supplies, and my notebook with all my homework and notes (the week before final exams, I might add). My first thought was to call my parents, but I didn't have my phone and the office was closed, so I drove to school with the busted window and parked it on the street. When I got to class some great kid let me borrow his cell phone and I called my parents to tell them what had happened. My dad said he would come down and meet me, I told him the room number I was in. I still had to give my final presentation, and, thankfully, my project was not damaged. But I was kind of a mess.
Step one, make it through your presentation without crying.
I somehow managed to hold it together for that long. My professor was great, and excused me as soon as I was done. I thought about waiting in the classroom for my dad, but decided I would take the elevator down to the lobby to wait for him. When the elevator doors opened, he was standing there. THAT was when I burst into tears with my "I'm so sorry, I feel like it was my fault, that was so scary," etc. Good old papa. He was totally calm. He had already seen the car. We drove back to my apartment complex, which is where we were going to wait for the police.
Step two, file a police report.
I was on hold for twenty minutes before I ever got through. Then an operator told me I needed to call back. By the time the officer finally got to my apartment I had been waiting almost an hour. He took all of our information, saw the vehicle, recorded the damages (it came to around $1000 for the stuff that had been stolen) and said I could access the report in a couple of days. We got back in the car and drove to my parents' house.
Step three, pick up the pieces.
While I vacuumed out the car my mom made calls to the phone company to cancel my service. I have personal information on my phone like billing info that could be dangerous. Now it is around 11:00 am, and my extended family is coming over soon to celebrate my cousins birthday.
Step four, call the insurance. (see also: Step five, be ridiculously frustrated.)
The nice woman on the end of the line tells me that insurance covers both the damage to the car and the stolen items, but on different policies. The car is covered by auto insurance, but the property goes under our house insurance. Both have a $500 deductible. Meaning, we are not going to get enough to cover the damages, not by a long shot. I can't begin to replace things until the claim goes through because the insurance company may help with specific items (cell phone) and I don't want to pay full price when I might get a deduction. So, we wait.
This is where the story shifts from bad to good. I had invited my roommate to come out to Beaverton and spend some time with my extended family, and I was worried that, since I ahd to take my dad to the airport, she would come when I was gone, get freaked out and leave. I left for the airport with this thought in my head and when I got back home (I had to stop by my apartment to pick up all of my crap. Basically, without my cell phone I won't be able to contact anyone about my insurance information, so I need to stay at my parents' until I hear back from the police/insurance and can get my phone replaced) Colie wasn't there. I asked around if she had come and my mom said she had, but she'd left. She wouldn't really answer any more questions about it and I was disappointed so I didn't really press her.
Around a half an hour later she and my sister came in holding a Victoria's Secret bag. She said she had gotten me something (I was a little worried she was gonna hand me an elaborate bra in front of my grandparents, but I figured it was probably lotion or something). It was actually an iPod nano. Colie and Becca had gone and split the cost of this nano when Colie heard about the break-in. I was so touched by this that I cried, for the second time that day. I felt SO loved, by both of them.
Really, even thinking back on how I felt that moment, I still can't think of words. It wasn't even the gift itself, although I really like it. It was more that they cared enough about me that they would spend their time and money (my sister used all of her babysitting money, my roommate isn't getting another paycheck until tomorrow, so I don't know where her money came from, but probably savings...) just to cheer me up. Just because I had a crappy day.
This process has not been a fun one, but I was so encouraged by that gesture that it made up for how upset and stressed I have been about everything else. My family, and my roommate, were all great through everything. I'm beginning to realize how blessed I have been with amazing family and friends, and how, in the end, that is way more important than all of my other stuff.
After all, it is only stuff.
Friday, March 17, 2006
About Todd and I
I am getting frustrated again by the fact that I am apparently the subject of church gossip. At first I was kind of laughing it off because it wasn't mean-spirited or anything, and most people were coming back to me with their questions so I could set them straight. But it has started to really bother me. Apparently someone made some comment about Todd and I dating and it SPUN OUT OF CONTROL. Let me set it straight: we are not dating.
What really frustrates me about this is that lately I have heard the most ridiculous assumptions about our friendship and had to honestly answer questions from people who I never chose to share anything with. But how is this getting so out of control and why should I have to answer any questions at all? I really do not understand why anyone should feel entitled to information about our relationship when I know for a fact that Todd or I did not choose to share it with them. If they have heard something I do appreciate them coming to me and asking if it is the truth rather than continuing to spread the rumor, that I will give people credit for. I DO NOT, however, appreciate them offering their opinion/advice/whatever. If I wanted it, I would have asked them for it. We have obviously chosen not to involve these people in this friendship.
So basically, I feel like I have no privacy and I really do not appreciate it. Please stop talking about this if you have been. Our friendship is really none of your business.
What really frustrates me about this is that lately I have heard the most ridiculous assumptions about our friendship and had to honestly answer questions from people who I never chose to share anything with. But how is this getting so out of control and why should I have to answer any questions at all? I really do not understand why anyone should feel entitled to information about our relationship when I know for a fact that Todd or I did not choose to share it with them. If they have heard something I do appreciate them coming to me and asking if it is the truth rather than continuing to spread the rumor, that I will give people credit for. I DO NOT, however, appreciate them offering their opinion/advice/whatever. If I wanted it, I would have asked them for it. We have obviously chosen not to involve these people in this friendship.
So basically, I feel like I have no privacy and I really do not appreciate it. Please stop talking about this if you have been. Our friendship is really none of your business.
Galatians 5- Hope is a soldier
Today for my quiet time I read through Galatians 5. As I mentioned, I am trying to read some kind of historical or theological commentary too, just to get me to evaluate and interact with the passage. Today I read a guide to Galatians by Martin Luther. Wow, he has more thoughts on a single book of the Bible than I have on the whole thing. It took me a full hour and a half to read what I read, and I skipped through the boring parts of it.
This chapter was encouraging. Paul starts by finishing up his arguments against the law and how obedience to it is simply a form of slavery. He explains that relying on circumcision (and other worldly measures of "faith") for salvation essentially denies the sacrifice of Christ. In verse 2 he says, "if you let yourself be circumcised, Christ will be of no value to you at all." It means you are not putting any trust in the hope God has promised you. Martin Luther pretty much summed this up by saying, "Tongue cannot express, nor heart conceive what a terrible thing it is to make Christ worthless."
Paul goes even further by saying that those who have been obeying the law in hopes of "improving their chances of salvation" (or something) have fallen away from grace. To me this means that we are being distracted from the ultimate gift, and Luther points out that there are two ways to fall from grace-1) to deny Christ by choosing to indulge in "pleasures of the flesh" in SPITE of his gift of grace and 2) to take matters into your own hands by working for salvation and thus making the cross worthless.
My favorite part of this passage is when Paul talks about having hope in verse 5- "By faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope." Martin Luther discusses the difference between hope and faith. According to him, faith is a judge, hope is a soldier. I love that picture of hope. It fights against our worries, our insecurities, our weaknesses. In this verse Paul acknowledges we are not yet righteous- but it is something that we can hope for through the Spirit. And not just hope for, but anticipate. I love that. SOOOO often I get discouraged by my own weakness and inability to serve God the way I want to. It is not fun to try and rely on yourself. But if you are putting your hope in Christ then it actually becomes a possibility. It reminds me of 1 Peter 3:15, "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have." If we are truly hopeful that honors God rather than ourselves; that is the essence of evangelism.
Paul finishes the passage by explaining the fruit of the Spirit. He does this to show the difference between obeying the law out of obligation and insecurity and culturing fruit of the Spirit out of maturity and trust in Christ. The fruit is: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. That last one makes me cringe.
This chapter was encouraging. Paul starts by finishing up his arguments against the law and how obedience to it is simply a form of slavery. He explains that relying on circumcision (and other worldly measures of "faith") for salvation essentially denies the sacrifice of Christ. In verse 2 he says, "if you let yourself be circumcised, Christ will be of no value to you at all." It means you are not putting any trust in the hope God has promised you. Martin Luther pretty much summed this up by saying, "Tongue cannot express, nor heart conceive what a terrible thing it is to make Christ worthless."
Paul goes even further by saying that those who have been obeying the law in hopes of "improving their chances of salvation" (or something) have fallen away from grace. To me this means that we are being distracted from the ultimate gift, and Luther points out that there are two ways to fall from grace-1) to deny Christ by choosing to indulge in "pleasures of the flesh" in SPITE of his gift of grace and 2) to take matters into your own hands by working for salvation and thus making the cross worthless.
My favorite part of this passage is when Paul talks about having hope in verse 5- "By faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope." Martin Luther discusses the difference between hope and faith. According to him, faith is a judge, hope is a soldier. I love that picture of hope. It fights against our worries, our insecurities, our weaknesses. In this verse Paul acknowledges we are not yet righteous- but it is something that we can hope for through the Spirit. And not just hope for, but anticipate. I love that. SOOOO often I get discouraged by my own weakness and inability to serve God the way I want to. It is not fun to try and rely on yourself. But if you are putting your hope in Christ then it actually becomes a possibility. It reminds me of 1 Peter 3:15, "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have." If we are truly hopeful that honors God rather than ourselves; that is the essence of evangelism.
Paul finishes the passage by explaining the fruit of the Spirit. He does this to show the difference between obeying the law out of obligation and insecurity and culturing fruit of the Spirit out of maturity and trust in Christ. The fruit is: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. That last one makes me cringe.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
some things I have been learning (gal. 3 + 4)
Last night I went out to dinner (thai food, yum!) with (Mentor) Sarah. I told her all about reading through Galatians and she said she wanted to do it with me. So now I have some more accountability. Also, she is VERY smart and good at expressing her thoughts. So probably she will see a lot of things that I will miss.
Today I read Galatians 3 + 4. Honestly, it wasn't anything I haven't heard before, but it was a good reminder that Christianity is based on a relationship and not a set of rules. I wonder what purpose the law serves if it is unnecessary for our current salvation (Paul's explanation is that in the OT the law made us aware of our sinful nature and our need for Christ. Christ when he came paid the price for our sins, making the law no longer necessary).... okay, as I'm writing this, it is starting to make more sense. It seems like we are continuing to keep the law around because we don't have an accurate understanding of grace. In the OT God shares our history and explains why the crucifixion was necessary, but the concept of the "law" is carried through to the NT by what Paul refers to as "false teachers"... Hmm. This topic is hard for me. The Bible is so complex. It seems like for most things there is not a straightforward answer... it involves juggling two equal concepts (for example: we have freewill BUT we have been chosen by God).
I don't know what I think about a lot of this, I am still working through it. Yesterday someone posted an article on the forum about discipleship and one of the things that really struck me about it was that this guy was talking about judging our heart issues rather than their symptoms. I was reading through it thinking that some of it sounded a lot like me. A LOT. Pride is a huge deal for me and everything I do or say feeds off of my need for attention, to be loved and valued, powerful and in control. If I address just one facet of that (for example, the fact that I sometimes lie to maintain control of my situations) then again I am dealing with the surface and not the root issue of pride, which will find another way to exert itself.
I recognize all of my obedience should come from truly loving and understanding God, and I'm beginning to grasp how much my sin has ruined my life. Even without considering eternity, I can see the earthly effects of pride in my relationships (selfishness, miscommunication, etc) and at school (not asking for help when I really need it) and in ministry (hypocrisy and lack of humility, which pulls people away from Christ, the very thing I should not do). It can be such a frustration though, to be working on something that feels intangible. Not only does my pride seem almost IMPOSSIBLE to fix, but I don't see the results quickly and clearly the way I want to. I suppose this inspires patience and reliance on God rather than on my own strength.
Here is a really good quote from the article I read yesterday:
"Our heart-idols set the trajectory for everything else. I could have spent countless hours talking about Ryan’s external behaviors. But now that I was beginning to see what he loved and worshipped, I could move the conversation in a direction that would address the disease and not the symptoms.
So how do you solve the problem of idolatry? Well, the gold-star Sunday School answer, of course, is to turn away from idols and turn to Christ. That is the ultimate goal: repentance and faith. But here’s the problem: we don’t worship idols because we’re ignorant or uninformed or bored. We worship idols because we LOVE them. We crave them. They are more important to us than life itself."
On that note, I have made another decision to help me focus, and that is not to date for the next three months. Maybe six. (Someone is speaking in french in the hallway outside my door. He just said "sandwich of the day". I think) There are many reasons why I have made this decision and it has been on my heart for a while, so I am proud of finally making that commitment. Hopefully it will help me approach things in a healthier way in the future.
... the end for today.
Today I read Galatians 3 + 4. Honestly, it wasn't anything I haven't heard before, but it was a good reminder that Christianity is based on a relationship and not a set of rules. I wonder what purpose the law serves if it is unnecessary for our current salvation (Paul's explanation is that in the OT the law made us aware of our sinful nature and our need for Christ. Christ when he came paid the price for our sins, making the law no longer necessary).... okay, as I'm writing this, it is starting to make more sense. It seems like we are continuing to keep the law around because we don't have an accurate understanding of grace. In the OT God shares our history and explains why the crucifixion was necessary, but the concept of the "law" is carried through to the NT by what Paul refers to as "false teachers"... Hmm. This topic is hard for me. The Bible is so complex. It seems like for most things there is not a straightforward answer... it involves juggling two equal concepts (for example: we have freewill BUT we have been chosen by God).
I don't know what I think about a lot of this, I am still working through it. Yesterday someone posted an article on the forum about discipleship and one of the things that really struck me about it was that this guy was talking about judging our heart issues rather than their symptoms. I was reading through it thinking that some of it sounded a lot like me. A LOT. Pride is a huge deal for me and everything I do or say feeds off of my need for attention, to be loved and valued, powerful and in control. If I address just one facet of that (for example, the fact that I sometimes lie to maintain control of my situations) then again I am dealing with the surface and not the root issue of pride, which will find another way to exert itself.
I recognize all of my obedience should come from truly loving and understanding God, and I'm beginning to grasp how much my sin has ruined my life. Even without considering eternity, I can see the earthly effects of pride in my relationships (selfishness, miscommunication, etc) and at school (not asking for help when I really need it) and in ministry (hypocrisy and lack of humility, which pulls people away from Christ, the very thing I should not do). It can be such a frustration though, to be working on something that feels intangible. Not only does my pride seem almost IMPOSSIBLE to fix, but I don't see the results quickly and clearly the way I want to. I suppose this inspires patience and reliance on God rather than on my own strength.
Here is a really good quote from the article I read yesterday:
"Our heart-idols set the trajectory for everything else. I could have spent countless hours talking about Ryan’s external behaviors. But now that I was beginning to see what he loved and worshipped, I could move the conversation in a direction that would address the disease and not the symptoms.
So how do you solve the problem of idolatry? Well, the gold-star Sunday School answer, of course, is to turn away from idols and turn to Christ. That is the ultimate goal: repentance and faith. But here’s the problem: we don’t worship idols because we’re ignorant or uninformed or bored. We worship idols because we LOVE them. We crave them. They are more important to us than life itself."
On that note, I have made another decision to help me focus, and that is not to date for the next three months. Maybe six. (Someone is speaking in french in the hallway outside my door. He just said "sandwich of the day". I think) There are many reasons why I have made this decision and it has been on my heart for a while, so I am proud of finally making that commitment. Hopefully it will help me approach things in a healthier way in the future.
... the end for today.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Galatians 1 + 2
So I was up last night thinking, and I decided maybe a good way to be sticking to my Bible study would be to write about it every day. I am very inconsistent with regular journaling because I hate having to write. So typing it is. For now.
I am starting in Galatians; today I read chapters 1 + 2. It's interesting because I don't think I have actually read through this book on my own before. I've learned most of the Bible by osmosis and not because I am a dedicated student myself. Mostly it is because of my parents and Justin and Tom that I have any Biblical knowledge whatsoever.
So I read some background on this book before I started it, and it turns out that the Galatians were living around modern-day Turkey around the time this letter was written. They were Gauls. I know about the Gauls from Western Civ and from French (they spread out to that area, in fact they were pretty widely dispersed around Europe). It can be interesting connecting my historical knowledge with a Biblical context... I am certainly no student of history either, but for the parts I remember it helps having some connection with the culture and understanding of thier history.
Anyway, Paul wrote to the Galatians to address some doctrinal issues in the church, specifically the Jewish laws that were still being taught as a necessity for salvation and the fact that some people were questioning his authority as a teacher because he was not originally called by God as a disciple. He shares his testimony for the first couple chapters, which is pretty rad... he was totally immersed in Jewish law/custom and in opposition to the Christian church until God intervened (insert road to Damascus story) and called him to ministry. And from the way he writes, it sounds like he went immediately. It is a little convicting to read about how quick he was with his obedience (he says, "I did not consult any man, nor did I go up to Jerusalem to see those who were apostles before I was, but I went *immediately* into Arabia and later returned to Damascus"). Um, wow. I am thinking about how many obstacles I put in my own way before I am willing to obey God. Even in small things. I cannot imagine picking up my entire life right now simply out of obedience. In my own way I am trying to follow his calling, but it comes out more like a crawl- a two steps forward, one step back kind of thing- and I am totally blown away by Paul's immediate obedience.
Later, Paul finally goes to visit the other apostles in Jerusalem, and tells them about his calling, and here is another part that really interests me. He tells them about his passion for people and they agree that they are being called to different people groups. James, Peter and John are being called to the Jews, while Paul and Barnabas are called to the Gentiles. I like that they go through this process and remain supportive of each other, and I also like how God shows they have different callings and that both are important to the kingdom. It made me think of Ethnos- how some are called to Portland, some to India or Africa or wherever. Sometimes I struggle with frustration that other people don't share the same specific passions I do, or for the same specific people group. I forget we are all called to serve in different areas and all are important and pleasing to God. Some are simply better-equipped for one ministry than for another.
My favorite part of the conversation, though, is that although they agree to go different ways in ministry, the one thing they agree on is that they should "continue to remember the poor." This seems to transcend all other cultural boundaries, and I love that. It seems like no matter who else they are called to serve, they are also called to the poor. I also like Paul's response to this... he basically says it was "the very thing I was eager to do." Like, yeah. The poor. Of course.
There are other things that stand out to me in this passage, but they are less of new observations and more a revival of old convictions. It is very clear we cannot earn or acheive salvation somehow. I see the same struggle in this passage as I feel in my own heart, with living in light of crucifixion rather than in light of the Law. Obedience is supposed to come out of love and respect, and not obligation. I have been learning this all over again with mom and dad. I spent the last few days at their house and I have just realized how much I actually want to obey or help out, rather than having to get nagged to do so. Mom will ask me to do something and two seconds later, it is done. I never have done that before and I realize how much it is a product of my respect and love for them; being truly thankful for all they have given me.
I don't know if I am quite there yet with God, to be honest. I know I have an infinite number of reasons to be thankful but I am still struggling through the same stuff that has been rooted there for almost two years. I think with God it is going to take more effort.
Anyway, that is all I have for now. I could probably write some more but I have class in a half hour.
I am starting in Galatians; today I read chapters 1 + 2. It's interesting because I don't think I have actually read through this book on my own before. I've learned most of the Bible by osmosis and not because I am a dedicated student myself. Mostly it is because of my parents and Justin and Tom that I have any Biblical knowledge whatsoever.
So I read some background on this book before I started it, and it turns out that the Galatians were living around modern-day Turkey around the time this letter was written. They were Gauls. I know about the Gauls from Western Civ and from French (they spread out to that area, in fact they were pretty widely dispersed around Europe). It can be interesting connecting my historical knowledge with a Biblical context... I am certainly no student of history either, but for the parts I remember it helps having some connection with the culture and understanding of thier history.
Anyway, Paul wrote to the Galatians to address some doctrinal issues in the church, specifically the Jewish laws that were still being taught as a necessity for salvation and the fact that some people were questioning his authority as a teacher because he was not originally called by God as a disciple. He shares his testimony for the first couple chapters, which is pretty rad... he was totally immersed in Jewish law/custom and in opposition to the Christian church until God intervened (insert road to Damascus story) and called him to ministry. And from the way he writes, it sounds like he went immediately. It is a little convicting to read about how quick he was with his obedience (he says, "I did not consult any man, nor did I go up to Jerusalem to see those who were apostles before I was, but I went *immediately* into Arabia and later returned to Damascus"). Um, wow. I am thinking about how many obstacles I put in my own way before I am willing to obey God. Even in small things. I cannot imagine picking up my entire life right now simply out of obedience. In my own way I am trying to follow his calling, but it comes out more like a crawl- a two steps forward, one step back kind of thing- and I am totally blown away by Paul's immediate obedience.
Later, Paul finally goes to visit the other apostles in Jerusalem, and tells them about his calling, and here is another part that really interests me. He tells them about his passion for people and they agree that they are being called to different people groups. James, Peter and John are being called to the Jews, while Paul and Barnabas are called to the Gentiles. I like that they go through this process and remain supportive of each other, and I also like how God shows they have different callings and that both are important to the kingdom. It made me think of Ethnos- how some are called to Portland, some to India or Africa or wherever. Sometimes I struggle with frustration that other people don't share the same specific passions I do, or for the same specific people group. I forget we are all called to serve in different areas and all are important and pleasing to God. Some are simply better-equipped for one ministry than for another.
My favorite part of the conversation, though, is that although they agree to go different ways in ministry, the one thing they agree on is that they should "continue to remember the poor." This seems to transcend all other cultural boundaries, and I love that. It seems like no matter who else they are called to serve, they are also called to the poor. I also like Paul's response to this... he basically says it was "the very thing I was eager to do." Like, yeah. The poor. Of course.
There are other things that stand out to me in this passage, but they are less of new observations and more a revival of old convictions. It is very clear we cannot earn or acheive salvation somehow. I see the same struggle in this passage as I feel in my own heart, with living in light of crucifixion rather than in light of the Law. Obedience is supposed to come out of love and respect, and not obligation. I have been learning this all over again with mom and dad. I spent the last few days at their house and I have just realized how much I actually want to obey or help out, rather than having to get nagged to do so. Mom will ask me to do something and two seconds later, it is done. I never have done that before and I realize how much it is a product of my respect and love for them; being truly thankful for all they have given me.
I don't know if I am quite there yet with God, to be honest. I know I have an infinite number of reasons to be thankful but I am still struggling through the same stuff that has been rooted there for almost two years. I think with God it is going to take more effort.
Anyway, that is all I have for now. I could probably write some more but I have class in a half hour.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
uhhhhh life...
Not that we're supposed to believe in horoscopes or anything, but today mine said that I am going to be going through a phase of extremely good fortune sometime soon. I think that mostly means I'm supposed to randomly get money (which I highly doubt), but it would be sweet if it just meant that life got better in general. Cause I have not been very cheerful lately.
Things have not really been going great in any aspect of my life. I have been super busy and today I got sick and couldn't work, which, in the middle of a project week was a major pain in the ass. Now everything feels crammed together and I'm just hoping nothing slips through the cracks.
Plus, I have a lot of things on my mind. To be honest I am worried about my relationships. There are one or two that particularly concern me, but also a general feeling of "I'm messing this up; they're getting mad at me; maybe I should just be honest; are they being honest; am I supposed to apologize or is it their turn?" I feel like I'm picking petty fights with people and getting frustrated over stupid things. Other people (the ones I am more worried about) I'm just avoiding when I KNOW something needs to be said. The majority of this I believe is my own selfishness, not wanting to be the first to apologize or humble myself enough to say what I'm really feeling and let whatever happens happen. I guess it just goes to show that you can be doing very well and learning a lot and then, in a moment of weakness, your insecurities and issues can still bite you in the ass. Point being, this was not my best week. And having this stuff to worry about is not helping my bazillion projects or papers or finals OR the fact that I'm freaking broke, and spending my grocery money on art supplies to FINISH these projects. Or the fact that I am getting sick again and somehow losing weight despite my eating habits, which I know means I should get a checkup or something, but I don't have time.
All of this = I am stressed and worried.
Ok. End tangent.
Another thing I did today was go on a long walk by myself (exercise helps me if I'm sick) and think some stuff over. For example, why is it so hard for me to read my Bible? Or pray? Or be honest about the fact that both of these are ridiculously difficult? I have been getting so caught up in college lately, and everything that comes along with it (homework, roommate, late nights, parties, friends, dating, whatever) that I haven't even been thinking about my spiritual walk and I think it's pretty apparent. Perhaps this is one reason why all of this general stuff, which normally wouldn't bother me, is hitting me so hard. Because I'm pretty sure that if everything was right with God I would be more focused on that and less focused on my own stupidity.
P.S. My brother is amazing. He just came and gave me life advice. I love how smart he is and how good he is at talking about his feelings. And also because he did this today:
ashbyduck (11:05:13 PM): i am really glad i started my birthday by hanging out with you
ashbyduck (11:05:14 PM): AND
ashbyduck (11:05:17 PM): your family singing
audioangel2 (11:05:20 PM): hahaha
ashbyduck (11:05:26 PM): AND daniel rolling his eyes and pitching in at the last moment
ashbyduck (11:05:28 PM): it was great.
audioangel2 (11:05:55 PM): lol my brother is amazing
ashbyduck (11:06:05 PM): yeah i would say so
Things have not really been going great in any aspect of my life. I have been super busy and today I got sick and couldn't work, which, in the middle of a project week was a major pain in the ass. Now everything feels crammed together and I'm just hoping nothing slips through the cracks.
Plus, I have a lot of things on my mind. To be honest I am worried about my relationships. There are one or two that particularly concern me, but also a general feeling of "I'm messing this up; they're getting mad at me; maybe I should just be honest; are they being honest; am I supposed to apologize or is it their turn?" I feel like I'm picking petty fights with people and getting frustrated over stupid things. Other people (the ones I am more worried about) I'm just avoiding when I KNOW something needs to be said. The majority of this I believe is my own selfishness, not wanting to be the first to apologize or humble myself enough to say what I'm really feeling and let whatever happens happen. I guess it just goes to show that you can be doing very well and learning a lot and then, in a moment of weakness, your insecurities and issues can still bite you in the ass. Point being, this was not my best week. And having this stuff to worry about is not helping my bazillion projects or papers or finals OR the fact that I'm freaking broke, and spending my grocery money on art supplies to FINISH these projects. Or the fact that I am getting sick again and somehow losing weight despite my eating habits, which I know means I should get a checkup or something, but I don't have time.
All of this = I am stressed and worried.
Ok. End tangent.
Another thing I did today was go on a long walk by myself (exercise helps me if I'm sick) and think some stuff over. For example, why is it so hard for me to read my Bible? Or pray? Or be honest about the fact that both of these are ridiculously difficult? I have been getting so caught up in college lately, and everything that comes along with it (homework, roommate, late nights, parties, friends, dating, whatever) that I haven't even been thinking about my spiritual walk and I think it's pretty apparent. Perhaps this is one reason why all of this general stuff, which normally wouldn't bother me, is hitting me so hard. Because I'm pretty sure that if everything was right with God I would be more focused on that and less focused on my own stupidity.
P.S. My brother is amazing. He just came and gave me life advice. I love how smart he is and how good he is at talking about his feelings. And also because he did this today:
ashbyduck (11:05:13 PM): i am really glad i started my birthday by hanging out with you
ashbyduck (11:05:14 PM): AND
ashbyduck (11:05:17 PM): your family singing
audioangel2 (11:05:20 PM): hahaha
ashbyduck (11:05:26 PM): AND daniel rolling his eyes and pitching in at the last moment
ashbyduck (11:05:28 PM): it was great.
audioangel2 (11:05:55 PM): lol my brother is amazing
ashbyduck (11:06:05 PM): yeah i would say so
Sunday, March 12, 2006
someone who should be severely beaten
My sister's new boyfriend is a 17-year-old JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL. Not only that but she has never even met him in real life. He lives nearby here and is friends with all her friends but they haven't hung out because he is too lazy to meet up with her. He's stood her up at least twice. My sister's response to this is "Oh, he just couldn't make it." YEAH RIGHT. MAYBE BECAUSE HE CAN'T DRIVE BECAUSE HE IS TOO LAZY TO GET A LICENSE. WAY TO PICK A WINNER. She doesn't even know what he looks like.
Now, I love my sister and she is extremely chill, and easily the most beautiful member of our family, so I don't mean for her to take offense. But what junior in high school in their right mind would want to date an 8th grader? When I was a junior I dated other juniors. Or seniors. Not 8th graders. And I understand guys can date younger girls, whatever, but not like that. ESPECIALLY not when the girl in question is my little sister.
But the part I hate about him the most is that today I talked to him online and told him, basically, that I am old enough to know he is a total loser and is too old for my sister, and if he doesn't stay away from her I am going to have to kick his ass. His response to this was "Oh, you're Ciara? I've seen pictures of you before. You're even hotter than Becca."
Well let's see if he still thinks I'm hot after I drop kick his sorry ass to China.
The end. (For now).
Now, I love my sister and she is extremely chill, and easily the most beautiful member of our family, so I don't mean for her to take offense. But what junior in high school in their right mind would want to date an 8th grader? When I was a junior I dated other juniors. Or seniors. Not 8th graders. And I understand guys can date younger girls, whatever, but not like that. ESPECIALLY not when the girl in question is my little sister.
But the part I hate about him the most is that today I talked to him online and told him, basically, that I am old enough to know he is a total loser and is too old for my sister, and if he doesn't stay away from her I am going to have to kick his ass. His response to this was "Oh, you're Ciara? I've seen pictures of you before. You're even hotter than Becca."
Well let's see if he still thinks I'm hot after I drop kick his sorry ass to China.
The end. (For now).
Friday, March 10, 2006
meet my 5 best friends-- the Crew.
Spring break is coming soon, which means my favorite people in the world will be coming home from college. In honor of their return here are a few interesting facts about each of them.
5. KESS
This is my friend Daniel. We have been friends since 6th grade, which is around 8 years. Of all of my friends he is the one I have stayed closest to for the longest. We have a very affectionate relationship based on hugs and sarcastic remarks.
When I met Daniel in 6th grade he was a major dweeb with big nerdy glasses and a tie-dyed shirt he wore LITERALLY every day. He was in every single one of my classes and he annoyed the crap out of me. In 7th grade he moved to a different school and so we were apart for a year, but we managed to stay in contact until I eventually transferred to his new school in 8th grade. In fact he tried to date me every year from 6th grade through our sophmore year of high school, when he met his girlfriend Mel (who he very recently broke up with).
In high school Daniel became super cool when he joined the football team and people started calling him by his last name (Kessler). But on the inside he was still a major nerd. He and my brother and I formed an unstoppable trio of secret nerdiness. On the weekends he would come over and we would play video games, Magic and Axis and Allies. Our last couple years of high school Kessler formed an extremely close friendship with a math teacher at our high school and would spend his lunch periods hanging out with him discussing the Lord of the Rings and Star Wars.
Senior year Kessler got really into drama and was in a bunch of plays so I saw a lot less of him, being the type of person who avoids thespians at all costs. However he was still around pretty much all of the time as the kind of big-brotherly protective best guy friend that every girl wants. He threatened to kick a few of my boyfriends asses when they were being mean to me.
Now he lives up in Seattle and he is going to Seattle Pacific University. He wants to be a Special education instructor when he graduates. Laziness has led us to affectionately shorten his nickname to "Kess". That same laziness has also prevented most major communication for the past few months, although I have gone up to visit him once and he has come down to visit me. I am excited to see Kess over the break. I love this kid!
4. DANIEL MY BROTHER
Speaking of the unstoppable trio of nerdiness, my brother was also a key player in high school. Mostly we hung with the same crowd because he dated my best friend up until my junior year. He is around all of the time now because he lives at my parents house, so I don't have to miss him a lot, which is good.
I would love to lie and say my brother and I have always been good friends, but that is simply too large a lie. Like most siblings we had our rough times. One particular example of this was when he was in 7th grade (I was in 5th) my mom chose to pull us both out of public school and homeschool us for a year. Daniel and I thus suffered through the unique privilege of spending every waking moment of our lives together. At 10 and 13 years old there is really nothing worse than this. We fought about everything. One time he hit me in the mouth with a bowl because I took the last piece of cheese out of the refrigerator. I bled profusely and was worried my tooth was going to fall out, but my mom really took no notice of the situation because that was a typical day around our house.
It took me several years to get back at my brother for this act but I finally got my sweet revenge when we were both in high school. I had just broken up with my boyfriend and was having a bad day and had decided to come home and take a nap on the couch. Well my brother came in and started harassing me about letting the dog in. I took it for about two minutes before I full-on punched him in the face, breaking his nose. (let me just note here though, that I cannot be blamed for the overall appearance of his nose. it has always looked weird, even before i broke it)
We didn't talk for a few days after that incident but now it is a funny story we tell about how crazy I am. It seems we all have our moments.
For the most part since then, the two of us have gotten along extremely well. He is very good at talking about his feelings, so it is really fun to hang out with him and hear about his philosophy on life, etc. When he graduated from high school he went to Fox for two years and I really didn't like not being able to hang out with him regularly. Our entire group of friends, who were all two years younger, missed him like crazy.
Recently he has become a car salesman though and like I said he is still around, so that is very very good!
3. CAPTAIN KIRK
This is my friend Kristin Kirk. She is insane.
My story of Daniel naturally leads into the story of Kristin because she is the girl I mentioned who dated my brother. It was pretty sketch actually. One night I invited her over to spend the night at my house. When I realized she wasn't around and went looking for her, I found her playing a game of Sorry with my brother. Two weeks later they started dating.
The Daniel and Kristin relationship was an interesting subplot of high school for the entire Crew, but most of all for me. I learned many things I did not want to know about both of them because neither have yet learned basic rules of social appropriateness.
Our friendship was formed around ridiculous stunts and childish activities. In fact you can pretty much sum up our entire relationship in just the above picture. For a year we both worked at Phoseon (my dad's company) and bonded over the hell that is working in an office. She is the kind of person who if you were sitting at home bored like, "Hey what should we do?" would somehow convince you to go ride kids bikes around the inside of Target, perform an impropmtu water ballet at a public fountain or go streaking across the golf course. I am pretty shy so it was really funny we formed such a close bond, but she is the funnest person I have ever met.
Kristin is also highly motivated and because of that she graduated high school a year early and is now powering her way through her sophmore year of college. She is majoring in business and minoring in theater, and her new boyfriend Jon is a BAMF. I like him. Over the three years she dated Daniel she became so close with all of us that she is literally a member of our family. She was the fourth part of our Kess-Daniel-Ciara trio, and although she didn't share our nerdiness, we were all four inseperable. We formed dirty acronyms to commemorate our friendship and had them printed on shirts. These shirts have been retired due to the offensive nature of the slogan "COKK for Life!"
2. CARISSIMA, MY SWEET KITTEN
Also known as Brianna, or Brise. Brianna and I have also known each other since 6th grade. In fact the three of us ran in the same crowd in 6th grade, but weren't exactly friends. It wasn't until our freshman year of highschool that we became buds and even after that, we were not as close with each other as with other members of the Crew (in the early days there were many more- KRogan, KT, NickSparr and Bebo were the most devoted members- but I have chosen these 5 for longevity, since I have lost interest in the others since they went away to college). Anyway, our junior year of high school we became best friends.
Brianna and I are incredibly similar in the way that we relate to people, and that has made our friendship really deep but also really difficult. She knows and understands me better than anyone, except for Matt. I like that with Brise I don't have to explain anything but can just be me and she knows why that is. However. We can both get really sensitive and miscommunication hurts. The good thing about that, though, is that we always manage to fix things and because of that we have the strongest friendship I have ever experienced. She is a truly amazing person.
One major problem in our friendship has been her hygiene. Brianna rarely showers. I shower 2 times a day. One time she started growing dreads just because she had not bathed properly in a couple of months. Brianna also likes to do things that aggravate me like pick food of off my plate when she knows sharing saliva germs makes me cry.
Like Kristin and crazy activities, Brianna and I have built a relationship around crappy music. We bond over songs like Korn's "Y'All Want A Single", The Backstreet Boys' "Hey Mr. DJ," and the work of many Christian rappers. She once made me an entire mix tape (yes, it was a tape) of Christian rap that spent an entire summer in my car's tape player. It was a nice gift that prevented unnecessary passengers from staying in my vehicle for extended amounts of time.
Now Brianna goes to school in SoCal at Vanguard, and she is majoring in theater. She is a very good actress, and if I ever make fiction movies I will probably hire her to act as the crazy chick, because she plays that part really well.
1. MAS
This boy really needs no explanation, because I have spent half of my blog going off about how amazing he is. But this is my best friend Matt, who I ahve been best friends with for two years. (We call him Mas sometimes for the same reason we call Daniel "Kess", his last name is Masunari and the baseball team shortened it out of the laziness we chose to refer to as "affection"). Matt is the smartest person I have ever met. He is also a very talented writer. He is at OSU majoring in history and philosophy. He wants to be a police officer when he grows up, just like his daddy. His daddy died when Matt was pretty young so I never got to meet him, but the rest of his family is amazing. He has a little brother who is the funniest person on the entire planet (his name is Nathan and I love him almost equally).
Our senior year Matt and I spent every moment together. Literally. We had two classes together (out of four) and we worked out together every day after school and skiied together every weekend. On days when we got out of class early we would hang out after school and play video games in between school and practice (which was at, like, 5). I can't think of a single thing we did seperately, except for sleep. We even carpooled to school together sometimes, which really didn't make sense because it was not a convenient carpool at all. I was pretty good friends with his girlfriend Laura (who is the chillest girl on the planet and a really talented rock climber) and the four of us (Me and Garrett, Matt and Laura) went to Sadie Hawkins and Prom together senior year. In the summers we go on hikes because Matt and Laura are search and rescue volunteers and are really into outdoorsy stuff. One time when we were hiking up Eagle Creek a girl in front of us on the trail collapsed and cut her knee, and Matt ripped off his shirt to bandage her wound. He is pretty badass.
This is but a fraction of why I love Matt.
ALL OF THESE PEOPLE (except for Brianna, who is going to visit her sister on the East Coast) will be home in TWO WEEKS and I COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED!!
5. KESS
This is my friend Daniel. We have been friends since 6th grade, which is around 8 years. Of all of my friends he is the one I have stayed closest to for the longest. We have a very affectionate relationship based on hugs and sarcastic remarks.
When I met Daniel in 6th grade he was a major dweeb with big nerdy glasses and a tie-dyed shirt he wore LITERALLY every day. He was in every single one of my classes and he annoyed the crap out of me. In 7th grade he moved to a different school and so we were apart for a year, but we managed to stay in contact until I eventually transferred to his new school in 8th grade. In fact he tried to date me every year from 6th grade through our sophmore year of high school, when he met his girlfriend Mel (who he very recently broke up with).
In high school Daniel became super cool when he joined the football team and people started calling him by his last name (Kessler). But on the inside he was still a major nerd. He and my brother and I formed an unstoppable trio of secret nerdiness. On the weekends he would come over and we would play video games, Magic and Axis and Allies. Our last couple years of high school Kessler formed an extremely close friendship with a math teacher at our high school and would spend his lunch periods hanging out with him discussing the Lord of the Rings and Star Wars.
Senior year Kessler got really into drama and was in a bunch of plays so I saw a lot less of him, being the type of person who avoids thespians at all costs. However he was still around pretty much all of the time as the kind of big-brotherly protective best guy friend that every girl wants. He threatened to kick a few of my boyfriends asses when they were being mean to me.
Now he lives up in Seattle and he is going to Seattle Pacific University. He wants to be a Special education instructor when he graduates. Laziness has led us to affectionately shorten his nickname to "Kess". That same laziness has also prevented most major communication for the past few months, although I have gone up to visit him once and he has come down to visit me. I am excited to see Kess over the break. I love this kid!
4. DANIEL MY BROTHER
Speaking of the unstoppable trio of nerdiness, my brother was also a key player in high school. Mostly we hung with the same crowd because he dated my best friend up until my junior year. He is around all of the time now because he lives at my parents house, so I don't have to miss him a lot, which is good.
I would love to lie and say my brother and I have always been good friends, but that is simply too large a lie. Like most siblings we had our rough times. One particular example of this was when he was in 7th grade (I was in 5th) my mom chose to pull us both out of public school and homeschool us for a year. Daniel and I thus suffered through the unique privilege of spending every waking moment of our lives together. At 10 and 13 years old there is really nothing worse than this. We fought about everything. One time he hit me in the mouth with a bowl because I took the last piece of cheese out of the refrigerator. I bled profusely and was worried my tooth was going to fall out, but my mom really took no notice of the situation because that was a typical day around our house.
It took me several years to get back at my brother for this act but I finally got my sweet revenge when we were both in high school. I had just broken up with my boyfriend and was having a bad day and had decided to come home and take a nap on the couch. Well my brother came in and started harassing me about letting the dog in. I took it for about two minutes before I full-on punched him in the face, breaking his nose. (let me just note here though, that I cannot be blamed for the overall appearance of his nose. it has always looked weird, even before i broke it)
We didn't talk for a few days after that incident but now it is a funny story we tell about how crazy I am. It seems we all have our moments.
For the most part since then, the two of us have gotten along extremely well. He is very good at talking about his feelings, so it is really fun to hang out with him and hear about his philosophy on life, etc. When he graduated from high school he went to Fox for two years and I really didn't like not being able to hang out with him regularly. Our entire group of friends, who were all two years younger, missed him like crazy.
Recently he has become a car salesman though and like I said he is still around, so that is very very good!
3. CAPTAIN KIRK
This is my friend Kristin Kirk. She is insane.
My story of Daniel naturally leads into the story of Kristin because she is the girl I mentioned who dated my brother. It was pretty sketch actually. One night I invited her over to spend the night at my house. When I realized she wasn't around and went looking for her, I found her playing a game of Sorry with my brother. Two weeks later they started dating.
The Daniel and Kristin relationship was an interesting subplot of high school for the entire Crew, but most of all for me. I learned many things I did not want to know about both of them because neither have yet learned basic rules of social appropriateness.
Our friendship was formed around ridiculous stunts and childish activities. In fact you can pretty much sum up our entire relationship in just the above picture. For a year we both worked at Phoseon (my dad's company) and bonded over the hell that is working in an office. She is the kind of person who if you were sitting at home bored like, "Hey what should we do?" would somehow convince you to go ride kids bikes around the inside of Target, perform an impropmtu water ballet at a public fountain or go streaking across the golf course. I am pretty shy so it was really funny we formed such a close bond, but she is the funnest person I have ever met.
Kristin is also highly motivated and because of that she graduated high school a year early and is now powering her way through her sophmore year of college. She is majoring in business and minoring in theater, and her new boyfriend Jon is a BAMF. I like him. Over the three years she dated Daniel she became so close with all of us that she is literally a member of our family. She was the fourth part of our Kess-Daniel-Ciara trio, and although she didn't share our nerdiness, we were all four inseperable. We formed dirty acronyms to commemorate our friendship and had them printed on shirts. These shirts have been retired due to the offensive nature of the slogan "COKK for Life!"
2. CARISSIMA, MY SWEET KITTEN
Also known as Brianna, or Brise. Brianna and I have also known each other since 6th grade. In fact the three of us ran in the same crowd in 6th grade, but weren't exactly friends. It wasn't until our freshman year of highschool that we became buds and even after that, we were not as close with each other as with other members of the Crew (in the early days there were many more- KRogan, KT, NickSparr and Bebo were the most devoted members- but I have chosen these 5 for longevity, since I have lost interest in the others since they went away to college). Anyway, our junior year of high school we became best friends.
Brianna and I are incredibly similar in the way that we relate to people, and that has made our friendship really deep but also really difficult. She knows and understands me better than anyone, except for Matt. I like that with Brise I don't have to explain anything but can just be me and she knows why that is. However. We can both get really sensitive and miscommunication hurts. The good thing about that, though, is that we always manage to fix things and because of that we have the strongest friendship I have ever experienced. She is a truly amazing person.
One major problem in our friendship has been her hygiene. Brianna rarely showers. I shower 2 times a day. One time she started growing dreads just because she had not bathed properly in a couple of months. Brianna also likes to do things that aggravate me like pick food of off my plate when she knows sharing saliva germs makes me cry.
Like Kristin and crazy activities, Brianna and I have built a relationship around crappy music. We bond over songs like Korn's "Y'All Want A Single", The Backstreet Boys' "Hey Mr. DJ," and the work of many Christian rappers. She once made me an entire mix tape (yes, it was a tape) of Christian rap that spent an entire summer in my car's tape player. It was a nice gift that prevented unnecessary passengers from staying in my vehicle for extended amounts of time.
Now Brianna goes to school in SoCal at Vanguard, and she is majoring in theater. She is a very good actress, and if I ever make fiction movies I will probably hire her to act as the crazy chick, because she plays that part really well.
1. MAS
This boy really needs no explanation, because I have spent half of my blog going off about how amazing he is. But this is my best friend Matt, who I ahve been best friends with for two years. (We call him Mas sometimes for the same reason we call Daniel "Kess", his last name is Masunari and the baseball team shortened it out of the laziness we chose to refer to as "affection"). Matt is the smartest person I have ever met. He is also a very talented writer. He is at OSU majoring in history and philosophy. He wants to be a police officer when he grows up, just like his daddy. His daddy died when Matt was pretty young so I never got to meet him, but the rest of his family is amazing. He has a little brother who is the funniest person on the entire planet (his name is Nathan and I love him almost equally).
Our senior year Matt and I spent every moment together. Literally. We had two classes together (out of four) and we worked out together every day after school and skiied together every weekend. On days when we got out of class early we would hang out after school and play video games in between school and practice (which was at, like, 5). I can't think of a single thing we did seperately, except for sleep. We even carpooled to school together sometimes, which really didn't make sense because it was not a convenient carpool at all. I was pretty good friends with his girlfriend Laura (who is the chillest girl on the planet and a really talented rock climber) and the four of us (Me and Garrett, Matt and Laura) went to Sadie Hawkins and Prom together senior year. In the summers we go on hikes because Matt and Laura are search and rescue volunteers and are really into outdoorsy stuff. One time when we were hiking up Eagle Creek a girl in front of us on the trail collapsed and cut her knee, and Matt ripped off his shirt to bandage her wound. He is pretty badass.
This is but a fraction of why I love Matt.
ALL OF THESE PEOPLE (except for Brianna, who is going to visit her sister on the East Coast) will be home in TWO WEEKS and I COULD NOT BE MORE EXCITED!!
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
oh yeah, i should title this.
I just took a sleeping pill so I figure I have about 15-20 minutes of coherent thought before I crash. Tommorrow morning I have to be able to get up around 6:45ish to drive Ash to the airport. She is going to a wedding in Pennsylvania. She will be gone all weekend which is sad, but she is leaving her car to console me (which is happy).
The past couple days have been mentally exhausting. I am finishing up a non-threatening argument on freewill vs. determinism. It's been a lot of research- everything from Plato/Socrates (Crito) to Martin Luther King Jr. to William Stace to Stanley Milgram. It is a philosophical thesis and therefore the scientific support for it is minimal, which has been pretty frustrating. We are debating it in a couple of weeks. I have chosen to take a lot of theological arguments into consideration (we were allowed to choose our audience, so I chose a religious one). Let me tell you- working out a theory on this issue has been challenging. Biblica(oh crap my computer just made the loudest cash register noise and it scared the crap outta me)lly, there is quite a grey area that seems open to a lot of speculation, and I don't want to mistreat the Scriptures for the sake of arguing a point in my English class.
On the other hand, I have come to respect Martin Luther King Jr as a MASTER OF RHETORIC. He is one of the most talented speakers/writers I have ever heard studied. His "Letter from Birmingham Jail" was a completely airtight argument against segregation. MLK has such great charisma. I will probably write about this more when I am finished with my argument, because I will have more time!
We are coming up on the final two weeks of the term, which means spring break! And my friends are coming home. I have missed them so much the past couple of weeks. I feel like I am finally settling in here for real, but talking to Brianna and Matt and Kess and Kristin still makes me a bit sad, because I regularly wish they were here with me (especially Brianna and Matt, who I am not used to being apart from).
However, spring break also means: finals week, something which I am not thrilled about. I have a billion projects due. My creativity is pretty low right now. It's going to be a pain getting through these next couple weeks.
Okay, I am feeling myself getting pretty tired now so it's time to crash... mmm I love ambien. it is sweet like candy.
Last but not least. The following are the messages my friend Terry sent to me today while I was away from my computer. I am posting them for your enjoyment :
wasmachstdugern1 (6:51:43 PM): [this comment is censored to maintain the family-friendliness of my blog] hello
Auto-reponse from audioangel2 (6:51:44 PM): "There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love." -Martin Luther King Jr.
wasmachstdugern1 (6:52:00 PM): your quote is so true and so veryepicurean
wasmachstdugern1 (6:52:08 PM): very epicurean*
wasmachstdugern1 (6:52:20 PM): and buddhist now that i think about it
wasmachstdugern1 (6:52:28 PM): so im gonna leave some words for you
wasmachstdugern1 (6:52:38 PM): you will find thwem upon your return to the abode
wasmachstdugern1 (6:52:49 PM): they will be both pleasing and informative words
wasmachstdugern1 (6:52:52 PM): words of joy and peace
wasmachstdugern1 (6:53:02 PM): words that make one happy and moist in the eyeballs
wasmachstdugern1 (6:53:13 PM): moistness is the essence of godliness you know
wasmachstdugern1 (6:53:23 PM): so they say
wasmachstdugern1 (6:53:29 PM): how long will it continue?
wasmachstdugern1 (6:53:34 PM): who knows but the author?
wasmachstdugern1 (6:53:54 PM): perhaps even the author is unawares of the magnitude of his meanderings and wordinesseseseseseses
wasmachstdugern1 (6:54:06 PM): verbosity is godliness?
wasmachstdugern1 (6:54:11 PM): surely i hope that is true
wasmachstdugern1 (6:54:14 PM): for as you can see..
wasmachstdugern1 (6:54:23 PM): i am the first and am attaining the second
wasmachstdugern1 (6:54:37 PM): indeed things look up for old t dawg
wasmachstdugern1 (6:54:45 PM): t dizzle for my friends
wasmachstdugern1 (6:55:04 PM): you are a friend
wasmachstdugern1 (6:55:16 PM): that is why i have taken part of my busy day to say
wasmachstdugern1 (6:55:27 PM): welcome home steven
thanks terry.
The past couple days have been mentally exhausting. I am finishing up a non-threatening argument on freewill vs. determinism. It's been a lot of research- everything from Plato/Socrates (Crito) to Martin Luther King Jr. to William Stace to Stanley Milgram. It is a philosophical thesis and therefore the scientific support for it is minimal, which has been pretty frustrating. We are debating it in a couple of weeks. I have chosen to take a lot of theological arguments into consideration (we were allowed to choose our audience, so I chose a religious one). Let me tell you- working out a theory on this issue has been challenging. Biblica(oh crap my computer just made the loudest cash register noise and it scared the crap outta me)lly, there is quite a grey area that seems open to a lot of speculation, and I don't want to mistreat the Scriptures for the sake of arguing a point in my English class.
On the other hand, I have come to respect Martin Luther King Jr as a MASTER OF RHETORIC. He is one of the most talented speakers/writers I have ever heard studied. His "Letter from Birmingham Jail" was a completely airtight argument against segregation. MLK has such great charisma. I will probably write about this more when I am finished with my argument, because I will have more time!
We are coming up on the final two weeks of the term, which means spring break! And my friends are coming home. I have missed them so much the past couple of weeks. I feel like I am finally settling in here for real, but talking to Brianna and Matt and Kess and Kristin still makes me a bit sad, because I regularly wish they were here with me (especially Brianna and Matt, who I am not used to being apart from).
However, spring break also means: finals week, something which I am not thrilled about. I have a billion projects due. My creativity is pretty low right now. It's going to be a pain getting through these next couple weeks.
Okay, I am feeling myself getting pretty tired now so it's time to crash... mmm I love ambien. it is sweet like candy.
Last but not least. The following are the messages my friend Terry sent to me today while I was away from my computer. I am posting them for your enjoyment :
wasmachstdugern1 (6:51:43 PM): [this comment is censored to maintain the family-friendliness of my blog] hello
Auto-reponse from audioangel2 (6:51:44 PM): "There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love." -Martin Luther King Jr.
wasmachstdugern1 (6:52:00 PM): your quote is so true and so veryepicurean
wasmachstdugern1 (6:52:08 PM): very epicurean*
wasmachstdugern1 (6:52:20 PM): and buddhist now that i think about it
wasmachstdugern1 (6:52:28 PM): so im gonna leave some words for you
wasmachstdugern1 (6:52:38 PM): you will find thwem upon your return to the abode
wasmachstdugern1 (6:52:49 PM): they will be both pleasing and informative words
wasmachstdugern1 (6:52:52 PM): words of joy and peace
wasmachstdugern1 (6:53:02 PM): words that make one happy and moist in the eyeballs
wasmachstdugern1 (6:53:13 PM): moistness is the essence of godliness you know
wasmachstdugern1 (6:53:23 PM): so they say
wasmachstdugern1 (6:53:29 PM): how long will it continue?
wasmachstdugern1 (6:53:34 PM): who knows but the author?
wasmachstdugern1 (6:53:54 PM): perhaps even the author is unawares of the magnitude of his meanderings and wordinesseseseseseses
wasmachstdugern1 (6:54:06 PM): verbosity is godliness?
wasmachstdugern1 (6:54:11 PM): surely i hope that is true
wasmachstdugern1 (6:54:14 PM): for as you can see..
wasmachstdugern1 (6:54:23 PM): i am the first and am attaining the second
wasmachstdugern1 (6:54:37 PM): indeed things look up for old t dawg
wasmachstdugern1 (6:54:45 PM): t dizzle for my friends
wasmachstdugern1 (6:55:04 PM): you are a friend
wasmachstdugern1 (6:55:16 PM): that is why i have taken part of my busy day to say
wasmachstdugern1 (6:55:27 PM): welcome home steven
thanks terry.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
my thoughts on love
umm... so I realize this post is long, but the topic is love. And I, like everyone else, have a ton to say about it.
Last week in my English class we “learned” about appeals to logos, ethos and pathos (logic, ethics and emotions/feelings). Part of the lecture was spent explaining the actual meaning of each root, and putting it in its proper context. We talked about the words SYMPATHY (which literally means to “feel together”—soooo cool) and EMPATHY (which translates into something kind of like “causes to feel”). Basically, the difference is that sympathy pities or identifies with an emotion, but maintains an emotional distance. Empathy jumps right in and takes on the feeling… essentially, empathy puts YOU in the other person’s place.
Many people believe love and empathy are synonyms or at least mutually inclusive. If this is true then love is defined by the ability to understand someone else so deeply that you feel the way that they feel, and are acting with their best interests in mind. No ulterior motives. (Let me stop here to address the idea that humans are incapable of acting independently of ulterior motives. Maybe that is true. In most cases you act upon love hoping—and expecting—that love is going to be reciprocated. However I don’t think that qualifies as selfishness. I think God designed us to interact with each other, and LOVE each other. That means you don’t save this kind of selfless behavior for your family, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, etc., but you use it as a general rule for interaction with the people you come in contact with. If you choose to love someone, they can choose not to love you back. Rejection does not in any way justify selfish behavior. Matt and I had this conversation once about how if everyone chose to put others before themselves, we would never need to be selfish. If we were constantly looking out for what is best for everyone else, chances are someone else is looking out for us. This is, of course, an ideal that is made impossible by the human factor, but one that is Biblical nonetheless.)
If love and empathy are truly related, then some people are at a natural advantage (or disadvantage, depending on how you view things) because some people are naturally more empathetic. For example, I am the kind of person who can look at a picture of an AIDS orphan and feel genuinely moved to action, regardless of whether I know the kid, the story, or anything else about the picture. For the great majority of people it would take being in the situation to feel emotionally connected to it. I think my empathy has been a great, necessary, but extremely painful blessing to me over the years. It sucks to care about other people—especially when they let you down.
The same theory (it was recorded by some poet whose name I forget at the moment) that calls love and empathy synonyms also says that love can be practiced. We can actually increase our capacity for love by increasing our capacity for empathy. By regularly and intentionally putting ourselves in someone elses’ shoes, we are choosing to love them even when love does not come naturally (as it does with family/friends/etc). In addition, the poet believes that certain people who are naturally inclined to observation of others or indulging their imaginations (such as writers, avid readers, artists, etc) have developed a greater capacity for love. They are actually more capable of loving more deeply, according to the theory.
My experience with artists has been that, although deeply emotional, many of them are intensely selfish. I think this is a sad reaction to the pain that often comes along with being empathetic or loving someone who doesn’t love you back. You get hurt and have to focus on healing yourself, and you’re scared and dishonest and overprotective the next time you love someone. Sensitive people often swing between two extremes (I find this true for myself)—being selfless until it HURTS, and then reacting to that hurt with genuinely assholeish selfish behavior.
I don’t know if I agree with this whole theory. Each point makes perfect sense but the general conclusion seems a bit far-fetched—not something I would have reached on my own. That being said, all the statements hold true for me.
The last thing I have to say on this topic (for now, anyway) is this: I think love is important and powerful and should not be treated lightly. Many people feel it is necessary to guard the word love and only use it when they are SURE they feel it (or are sure they are going to hear it back). I guess you could say I am one of those people; the difference being I use the word love frequently. But it’s not just a word I’m tossing around—I MEAN it when I say it, and I will say it when I feel it… and when I feel it, I feel it deeply.
Last week in my English class we “learned” about appeals to logos, ethos and pathos (logic, ethics and emotions/feelings). Part of the lecture was spent explaining the actual meaning of each root, and putting it in its proper context. We talked about the words SYMPATHY (which literally means to “feel together”—soooo cool) and EMPATHY (which translates into something kind of like “causes to feel”). Basically, the difference is that sympathy pities or identifies with an emotion, but maintains an emotional distance. Empathy jumps right in and takes on the feeling… essentially, empathy puts YOU in the other person’s place.
Many people believe love and empathy are synonyms or at least mutually inclusive. If this is true then love is defined by the ability to understand someone else so deeply that you feel the way that they feel, and are acting with their best interests in mind. No ulterior motives. (Let me stop here to address the idea that humans are incapable of acting independently of ulterior motives. Maybe that is true. In most cases you act upon love hoping—and expecting—that love is going to be reciprocated. However I don’t think that qualifies as selfishness. I think God designed us to interact with each other, and LOVE each other. That means you don’t save this kind of selfless behavior for your family, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, etc., but you use it as a general rule for interaction with the people you come in contact with. If you choose to love someone, they can choose not to love you back. Rejection does not in any way justify selfish behavior. Matt and I had this conversation once about how if everyone chose to put others before themselves, we would never need to be selfish. If we were constantly looking out for what is best for everyone else, chances are someone else is looking out for us. This is, of course, an ideal that is made impossible by the human factor, but one that is Biblical nonetheless.)
If love and empathy are truly related, then some people are at a natural advantage (or disadvantage, depending on how you view things) because some people are naturally more empathetic. For example, I am the kind of person who can look at a picture of an AIDS orphan and feel genuinely moved to action, regardless of whether I know the kid, the story, or anything else about the picture. For the great majority of people it would take being in the situation to feel emotionally connected to it. I think my empathy has been a great, necessary, but extremely painful blessing to me over the years. It sucks to care about other people—especially when they let you down.
The same theory (it was recorded by some poet whose name I forget at the moment) that calls love and empathy synonyms also says that love can be practiced. We can actually increase our capacity for love by increasing our capacity for empathy. By regularly and intentionally putting ourselves in someone elses’ shoes, we are choosing to love them even when love does not come naturally (as it does with family/friends/etc). In addition, the poet believes that certain people who are naturally inclined to observation of others or indulging their imaginations (such as writers, avid readers, artists, etc) have developed a greater capacity for love. They are actually more capable of loving more deeply, according to the theory.
My experience with artists has been that, although deeply emotional, many of them are intensely selfish. I think this is a sad reaction to the pain that often comes along with being empathetic or loving someone who doesn’t love you back. You get hurt and have to focus on healing yourself, and you’re scared and dishonest and overprotective the next time you love someone. Sensitive people often swing between two extremes (I find this true for myself)—being selfless until it HURTS, and then reacting to that hurt with genuinely assholeish selfish behavior.
I don’t know if I agree with this whole theory. Each point makes perfect sense but the general conclusion seems a bit far-fetched—not something I would have reached on my own. That being said, all the statements hold true for me.
The last thing I have to say on this topic (for now, anyway) is this: I think love is important and powerful and should not be treated lightly. Many people feel it is necessary to guard the word love and only use it when they are SURE they feel it (or are sure they are going to hear it back). I guess you could say I am one of those people; the difference being I use the word love frequently. But it’s not just a word I’m tossing around—I MEAN it when I say it, and I will say it when I feel it… and when I feel it, I feel it deeply.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
mom
My mother is an amazing human being.
Not only is she the wisest woman I have ever known, but what a good friend!!!
I wish there were more people in the world like her.
Friday, March 03, 2006
physical touch
I have a theory I have been turning over in my mind for a couple of weeks. I want feedback on this theory, so I hope that you, the reader, will read this post and form an opinion on it, and then tell me what your opinion is.
I am a very affectionate person. Some people don't buy into the whole "love languages" thing, but I TOTALLY do, because for me it has made a lot of sense. I am incredibly touchy-feely. This is hard for me sometimes, because I think physical touch is really misunderstood. Most Americans don't like to be touched or to touch other people, so sometimes they shy away (and I can't help feeling a little bit hurt). With boys, most of the time, it just looks like I'm flirting. With girls it can be awkward, and with adults it seems inappropriate. Whatever. Point being, physical touch is a hard love language to have.
So lately I have been thinking about it a lot. I have started to wonder if there is some scientific reason I like to be touched more than other people. Here comes the theory: I wonder if, chemically, certain things FEEL better to some people than to others. Like the same hug or touch on the shoulder (or whatever...) triggers a DIFFERENT chemical response in different people.
Because, I am a hands-on person in every way. I like to build things. I like to feel different textures. I like to create artwork more than I like to view it.
The reverse is also true about touch- that negative touch, or lack of touch, really, REALLY bothers me. If I am uncomfortable with someone and they touch me, I get freaked out. Strangers touching me = error. I also think this might be why some kids can be spanked and be totally fine, while others are, like, scarred for life. I remember my parents spanking me as a kid and remember it as one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. Not that it was really all that bad or that my parents beat me or anything, just that being spanked did its job. It freaked me out. Also, in high school, when I was dealing with something intense, I used to cut myself. I remember concerned friends/parents/counselors asking me to try to explain why I did it because they didn't understand. To me, it felt good. It was a physical expression of my emotions, which is how I deal with them the best.
So doesn't it make sense that I get a different response from touch than most people? That I am just overall a physical being? You can completely read me by my body language, if you try. I don't like phone conversations very much because I have trouble expressing myself. Any conversation I have on AIM is an ongoing miscommunication.
Everything, EVERYTHING is physical. Not that I can't communicate any other way- I am an intensely empathetic person (more on that later-- because I learned some AMAZING stuff about empathy the other day in my english class) and I pay attention to how others communicate. I also really enjoy spending quality time with people, and having focused conversations. That makes me feel pretty loved too.
Since I have started paying close attention to how people relate to each other, I have started communicating so much better with everyone. For example, a sarcastic remark (which has little to no effect on me, and even if it did, if you followed it up with a pat on the shoulder I'd forget it instantly) can really cut someone who needs words of affirmation. Not accepting or returning a gift from someone who loves using gifts is a major error. Choosing not to return a phone call to a person who needs quality time is the emotional equivalent of saying "I hate you."
Anyway.
Thoughts anyone?
P.S. This same reason is why I sometimes have trouble with God.
I am a very affectionate person. Some people don't buy into the whole "love languages" thing, but I TOTALLY do, because for me it has made a lot of sense. I am incredibly touchy-feely. This is hard for me sometimes, because I think physical touch is really misunderstood. Most Americans don't like to be touched or to touch other people, so sometimes they shy away (and I can't help feeling a little bit hurt). With boys, most of the time, it just looks like I'm flirting. With girls it can be awkward, and with adults it seems inappropriate. Whatever. Point being, physical touch is a hard love language to have.
So lately I have been thinking about it a lot. I have started to wonder if there is some scientific reason I like to be touched more than other people. Here comes the theory: I wonder if, chemically, certain things FEEL better to some people than to others. Like the same hug or touch on the shoulder (or whatever...) triggers a DIFFERENT chemical response in different people.
Because, I am a hands-on person in every way. I like to build things. I like to feel different textures. I like to create artwork more than I like to view it.
The reverse is also true about touch- that negative touch, or lack of touch, really, REALLY bothers me. If I am uncomfortable with someone and they touch me, I get freaked out. Strangers touching me = error. I also think this might be why some kids can be spanked and be totally fine, while others are, like, scarred for life. I remember my parents spanking me as a kid and remember it as one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. Not that it was really all that bad or that my parents beat me or anything, just that being spanked did its job. It freaked me out. Also, in high school, when I was dealing with something intense, I used to cut myself. I remember concerned friends/parents/counselors asking me to try to explain why I did it because they didn't understand. To me, it felt good. It was a physical expression of my emotions, which is how I deal with them the best.
So doesn't it make sense that I get a different response from touch than most people? That I am just overall a physical being? You can completely read me by my body language, if you try. I don't like phone conversations very much because I have trouble expressing myself. Any conversation I have on AIM is an ongoing miscommunication.
Everything, EVERYTHING is physical. Not that I can't communicate any other way- I am an intensely empathetic person (more on that later-- because I learned some AMAZING stuff about empathy the other day in my english class) and I pay attention to how others communicate. I also really enjoy spending quality time with people, and having focused conversations. That makes me feel pretty loved too.
Since I have started paying close attention to how people relate to each other, I have started communicating so much better with everyone. For example, a sarcastic remark (which has little to no effect on me, and even if it did, if you followed it up with a pat on the shoulder I'd forget it instantly) can really cut someone who needs words of affirmation. Not accepting or returning a gift from someone who loves using gifts is a major error. Choosing not to return a phone call to a person who needs quality time is the emotional equivalent of saying "I hate you."
Anyway.
Thoughts anyone?
P.S. This same reason is why I sometimes have trouble with God.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
victory, torn from my exhausted, blistered, graphite-covered fingers...
uhhh. the Art Institute stole my homework assignment. The one I was really proud of. I got an A on it and then instead of getting it returned to me, with a "nice work, Owen," it was confiscated for the school's use.
When we enroll we sign an agreement that says the Art Insitute is allowed to use any and all artwork produced by us during our educational journey for the benefit of the school. Basically, we sign away the rights to reprinting/distributing our own artwork.
What a dumb thing to do. I just want my drawing back, cause it took me a long time and I want to show my mommy. To be completely honest.
I got back my cell phones/driving paper too. I got an A-, which was about what I was expecting. Not bad. We are about to get into a debate about the extent to which we have freewill, and how social factors can hinder/encourage pursuing your own free will. I am excited. If I can hold it together in my PVC class, I should finish this term with some decent grades.
Okay I need some sleep. I'm short on that lately.
When we enroll we sign an agreement that says the Art Insitute is allowed to use any and all artwork produced by us during our educational journey for the benefit of the school. Basically, we sign away the rights to reprinting/distributing our own artwork.
What a dumb thing to do. I just want my drawing back, cause it took me a long time and I want to show my mommy. To be completely honest.
I got back my cell phones/driving paper too. I got an A-, which was about what I was expecting. Not bad. We are about to get into a debate about the extent to which we have freewill, and how social factors can hinder/encourage pursuing your own free will. I am excited. If I can hold it together in my PVC class, I should finish this term with some decent grades.
Okay I need some sleep. I'm short on that lately.
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