my thoughts on love

umm... so I realize this post is long, but the topic is love. And I, like everyone else, have a ton to say about it.

Last week in my English class we “learned” about appeals to logos, ethos and pathos (logic, ethics and emotions/feelings). Part of the lecture was spent explaining the actual meaning of each root, and putting it in its proper context. We talked about the words SYMPATHY (which literally means to “feel together”—soooo cool) and EMPATHY (which translates into something kind of like “causes to feel”). Basically, the difference is that sympathy pities or identifies with an emotion, but maintains an emotional distance. Empathy jumps right in and takes on the feeling… essentially, empathy puts YOU in the other person’s place.
Many people believe love and empathy are synonyms or at least mutually inclusive. If this is true then love is defined by the ability to understand someone else so deeply that you feel the way that they feel, and are acting with their best interests in mind. No ulterior motives. (Let me stop here to address the idea that humans are incapable of acting independently of ulterior motives. Maybe that is true. In most cases you act upon love hoping—and expecting—that love is going to be reciprocated. However I don’t think that qualifies as selfishness. I think God designed us to interact with each other, and LOVE each other. That means you don’t save this kind of selfless behavior for your family, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife, etc., but you use it as a general rule for interaction with the people you come in contact with. If you choose to love someone, they can choose not to love you back. Rejection does not in any way justify selfish behavior. Matt and I had this conversation once about how if everyone chose to put others before themselves, we would never need to be selfish. If we were constantly looking out for what is best for everyone else, chances are someone else is looking out for us. This is, of course, an ideal that is made impossible by the human factor, but one that is Biblical nonetheless.)
If love and empathy are truly related, then some people are at a natural advantage (or disadvantage, depending on how you view things) because some people are naturally more empathetic. For example, I am the kind of person who can look at a picture of an AIDS orphan and feel genuinely moved to action, regardless of whether I know the kid, the story, or anything else about the picture. For the great majority of people it would take being in the situation to feel emotionally connected to it. I think my empathy has been a great, necessary, but extremely painful blessing to me over the years. It sucks to care about other people—especially when they let you down.
The same theory (it was recorded by some poet whose name I forget at the moment) that calls love and empathy synonyms also says that love can be practiced. We can actually increase our capacity for love by increasing our capacity for empathy. By regularly and intentionally putting ourselves in someone elses’ shoes, we are choosing to love them even when love does not come naturally (as it does with family/friends/etc). In addition, the poet believes that certain people who are naturally inclined to observation of others or indulging their imaginations (such as writers, avid readers, artists, etc) have developed a greater capacity for love. They are actually more capable of loving more deeply, according to the theory.
My experience with artists has been that, although deeply emotional, many of them are intensely selfish. I think this is a sad reaction to the pain that often comes along with being empathetic or loving someone who doesn’t love you back. You get hurt and have to focus on healing yourself, and you’re scared and dishonest and overprotective the next time you love someone. Sensitive people often swing between two extremes (I find this true for myself)—being selfless until it HURTS, and then reacting to that hurt with genuinely assholeish selfish behavior.
I don’t know if I agree with this whole theory. Each point makes perfect sense but the general conclusion seems a bit far-fetched—not something I would have reached on my own. That being said, all the statements hold true for me.
The last thing I have to say on this topic (for now, anyway) is this: I think love is important and powerful and should not be treated lightly. Many people feel it is necessary to guard the word love and only use it when they are SURE they feel it (or are sure they are going to hear it back). I guess you could say I am one of those people; the difference being I use the word love frequently. But it’s not just a word I’m tossing around—I MEAN it when I say it, and I will say it when I feel it… and when I feel it, I feel it deeply.