Not that we're supposed to believe in horoscopes or anything, but today mine said that I am going to be going through a phase of extremely good fortune sometime soon. I think that mostly means I'm supposed to randomly get money (which I highly doubt), but it would be sweet if it just meant that life got better in general. Cause I have not been very cheerful lately.
Things have not really been going great in any aspect of my life. I have been super busy and today I got sick and couldn't work, which, in the middle of a project week was a major pain in the ass. Now everything feels crammed together and I'm just hoping nothing slips through the cracks.
Plus, I have a lot of things on my mind. To be honest I am worried about my relationships. There are one or two that particularly concern me, but also a general feeling of "I'm messing this up; they're getting mad at me; maybe I should just be honest; are they being honest; am I supposed to apologize or is it their turn?" I feel like I'm picking petty fights with people and getting frustrated over stupid things. Other people (the ones I am more worried about) I'm just avoiding when I KNOW something needs to be said. The majority of this I believe is my own selfishness, not wanting to be the first to apologize or humble myself enough to say what I'm really feeling and let whatever happens happen. I guess it just goes to show that you can be doing very well and learning a lot and then, in a moment of weakness, your insecurities and issues can still bite you in the ass. Point being, this was not my best week. And having this stuff to worry about is not helping my bazillion projects or papers or finals OR the fact that I'm freaking broke, and spending my grocery money on art supplies to FINISH these projects. Or the fact that I am getting sick again and somehow losing weight despite my eating habits, which I know means I should get a checkup or something, but I don't have time.
All of this = I am stressed and worried.
Ok. End tangent.
Another thing I did today was go on a long walk by myself (exercise helps me if I'm sick) and think some stuff over. For example, why is it so hard for me to read my Bible? Or pray? Or be honest about the fact that both of these are ridiculously difficult? I have been getting so caught up in college lately, and everything that comes along with it (homework, roommate, late nights, parties, friends, dating, whatever) that I haven't even been thinking about my spiritual walk and I think it's pretty apparent. Perhaps this is one reason why all of this general stuff, which normally wouldn't bother me, is hitting me so hard. Because I'm pretty sure that if everything was right with God I would be more focused on that and less focused on my own stupidity.
P.S. My brother is amazing. He just came and gave me life advice. I love how smart he is and how good he is at talking about his feelings. And also because he did this today:
ashbyduck (11:05:13 PM): i am really glad i started my birthday by hanging out with you
ashbyduck (11:05:14 PM): AND
ashbyduck (11:05:17 PM): your family singing
audioangel2 (11:05:20 PM): hahaha
ashbyduck (11:05:26 PM): AND daniel rolling his eyes and pitching in at the last moment
ashbyduck (11:05:28 PM): it was great.
audioangel2 (11:05:55 PM): lol my brother is amazing
ashbyduck (11:06:05 PM): yeah i would say so
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