lee is here

I am tired, but so happy!!!

This morning I went and visited Solid Rock Fellowship out in Beaverton. It was actually kind of nice. I met some cool people and got to say hi to a few people I haven't seen since my BCC days. The teaching was not too bad, although the worship was a little stuffy (they told us when to sit down and stand up, and since literally no one in the church would do either unless instructed, it made you feel a little awkward doing something different). Phil Comer told this cool story about how his wife's parents' house burned down the week before (that's not the cool part). They just barely survived. Had the firemen shown up even 30 seconds later than they did they would probably have died in the fire. That in itself was a small miracle.
But here is the cool part: out of everything in the house, only two items were salvaged. The first was an iPod (he said it even tried once to turn on despite the fact that the casing was melted. That's a Mac product for ya...) and the second was their family Bible. The Bible had been a gift from his wife to her mother when she was 15, and she had written an inscription in it and everything. It looked literally untouched, and every single thing around it was burned beyond recognition.
The really cool part is that Phil preached out of that bible this morning. It made me smile all service long.


Today in my quiet time I read Philippians 1. And it is a pretty cool prayer that Paul prays for these people:
"And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ-- to the glory and praise of God." -Phil 1:9-11

I decided to pray this for everyone I know, and watch and see how God blesses them with these things.

Okay... and now I'm off to the aeroport to meet my Mr. Amazing (I can't believe it's time already!!!)

mentors and peers

Okay.
I started to get into the fact that I've been frustrated with Ethnos, and I didn't really elaborate on that too much, but I have been thinking about what can and cannot be shared, and I think this is ok for now.

I have not felt challenged spiritually in the year that I have been at Ethnos. I doubt there has been much growth, a fact for which I mostly blame myself, but there hasn't been a great degree of accountability for me either. It is frustrating, as I see many of my friends getting that kind of feedback and I feel like, for whatever reason, I am missing out on that.
I'm so on board with the idea of training people up. I SO want to be trained, and there are specific things I really want to work on. My spiritual gift is teaching; I want to work on that. I really, REALLY, want to learn how to study the Bible so I can teach it well. But there have not been very many opportunities to ask for that kind of training. When I have there has always been a problem and it hasn't panned out.
It's just so frustrating. I want so badly to grow and be mature in Christ. I have desperately been seeking that challenge. But I need some accountability. And I don't have the resources I need to grow the way I need to.
Another frustration: I have NO peers at Ethnos. Jade is the other teenager: hooray for the two of us! I am happy to be a part of such a diverse (age-wise) community, but I need some friends who are my age, too. It's unhealthy not to have that. And since the age range is pretty much the same at school, I am really missing that pretty much across the board. I am sad that Ethnos can't provide that for Jade and I.

Sometimes I get so frustrated that I feel like giving up on this chapter in my spiritual life. I feel like it would be much easier to go to a larger church where there would be more opportunities to interact with other college kids and women who can train me up. I don't want to leave Ethnos, but I also don't want to spend another year frustrated about this.

I've been struggling with Ethnos a lot lately. And I feel frustrated by the fact that I can't blog about it (if I blog about something about Ethnos, I might as well be making a huge press release to the whole church. If I said, "school is annoying me because -----" no one would care. So I have no problem doing that. But a lot of people who read this blog are from Ethnos and that makes writing about these kind of thoughts pretty inappropriate).
I don't want to get in the habit of people only knowing what's going on in my head because they read my blog. I think that's pretty unhealthy and cowardly (on my part). I want to make sure if I voice a concern or frustration that this is not the first place you hear it, and that I have the courage to bring concerns to the people who need to hear them. In person.
I don't feel that I lack courage, what I lack is patience. While I take the time to work through all of this in my head, I can't express it in writing. It is hard to be frustrated and not be able to vent.
Certainly there are things I keep to myself (the majority of my thoughts are kept private. Which may seem untrue, considering how personal my writing probably seems on this blog. But I'm pretty freaking complex, and most of what I write is just barely scratching the surface in terms of the things I think and feel. Trust me, I do not enjoy this. I have a hard time figuring myself out most of the time, I really don't expect other people to get it when they have even less clues). There are times, though, when I just really want to vent about something and this is the only place I really do that (besides talking to my mom or Sarah). So when I can't it frustrates me.

I am excited for tomorrow because:
I am meeting with Ramey in the morning (yay! I like Ramey a lot) and my mom and brother and I are going hiking with my cousins at Punchbowl Falls. I'm stoked, since they've been up in Washington visiting their grandparents, and I haven't gotten to see much of them this last week. (I wish Connor lived here all of the time. We'd totally be BFFs.)

COMING SOON: my favorite boy in the whole world

Lee is coming to visit me.
I would write more about it but I'm too excited, and getting too excited gives me a headache.
Ahhhhh!

USAMRIID

So for those of you who don't know I also have another blog about science-y stuff. I don't post there as often because it depends on how much time I have to do research. It is a lot harder to write about intellectual things than it is to ramble on and on about how I'm feeling and what I've been up to. So this blog gets more attention from me. But what I wrote about today really has to do with my life just as much as it has to do with science, soooo... you can check it out, if you're interested.
Here is the link.

Also, if anyone out there is interested in infectious diseases, you should check out Richard Preston's books: The Hot Zone (about Ebola) and Demon In The Freezer (about the 2001 Anthrax scare, and the threat of a future smallpox outbreak). I finished the first one about a week ago, and I just bought the second book today... and they are freaking good.

some thoughts on life

I have always considered myself to be a pretty compassionate person, but lately I've been so frustrated with my siblings that I have a hard time being gracious with them. It is getting exhausting dealing with my brother. For about a month now we have been planning every action of every day around him and his moods. I wouldn't mind that so much, except that he makes it very difficult for us to help him. First of all, he has told my parents not to force him to do anything, because if he does something only because he has been forced to do it, it doesn't make him feel any better. But then when we politely try to convince him to do small tasks (like exercise, or go outside), he refuses. If we took everything at his pace, he would never get better.
Also he acts like a complete jerk most of the time. I understand that he's sick and there's some room to excuse his behavior for a time. But at some point we really do need to stop worrying about stepping on his toes (it seems like it's impossible not to) and start worrying about what is best for the rest of the family. We need to see his progress just as much as he does. And it seems to me if he isn't trying to get better on his own; if he isn't making any effort... then maybe he needs a little more structure.
I also have very little patience for my sister right now. I have been snapping at her a lot lately. I hate the way she acts around guys, the little comments she makes, the flirting, the way she dresses... all of that. I used to feel very overprotective of her, like she was some sort of victim. Now I just think she is manipulative, and most of the time she is asking for trouble.
It does not make me feel good to think this way about my siblings. I know there have been times in our lives where I have been the one screwing up and treating everyone like crap. For the most part, my siblings (especially my brother) were incredibly understanding and gracious with me, and I really want to try to be that way for them right now. But it does not come easy. I still feel very little patience. Part of it is watching them struggle through things that seem like a cakewalk to me.
Sometimes I just have a horrible attitude. Like their pain cannot be valid because there doesn't seem to be a good reason for it and they refuse to pull themselves out of it. The way I honestly think is: if I could get through losing Mike, and pull myself out of all of that pain, then they should be able to push through whatever is going on with them.
I hate that I feel that way... it's so unfair and so un-Christlike. I know this, but it does not make these thoughts and ideas disappear. I really just want them both to get better, and it doesn't feel like anything is working.

One thing that has been hard for me is feeling like I have no place of refuge... it is not calming to be in my house. But it is also not calming to go out, because it means I have to be around people (which is always exhausting for me, even when I'm not dealing with something). I also have not been working out lately, which adds to my feeling stressed.

So the following three things are on my list of things to do this week:
1) pray for and show compassion when I am dealing with my brother and sister
2) find some relaxing place to spend a day and get re-centered
3) work out 6 days this coming week (what I was doing before... this may be too much but... i'm aiming high)

oh my gosh.

So here I am sitting at my desk, up to my elbows in charcoal, sketching out frames for my storyboarding class, while my friends are outside swimming, barbecuing and camping... and I am thinking the following:
1) I hate summer classes.
2) I really hate summer classes that happen to be on Saturday morning.
3) I really really hate Saturday morning summer classes that have DRAWING HOMEWORK.
4) I super extremely hate Saturday morning, summer drawing classes where the homework is to draw people and places that explain a narrative in two- and three-point perspective from creative angles, without forgetting my line of action, or breaking the 180-degree barrier, or confusing my audience.

I don't even really know what I am doing right now. How do you draw a storyboard? Why didn't my teacher give me any directions? Am I supposed to mount this? Can I use graph paper? Tracing paper? Bristol board? Matboard? What size? Should there be a border? Should my frames be sketchy, or finalized? Should my figures be exact? Should the frames have shot descriptions? Dialogue? How many frames per page? Should I title them? Number them? Render them? Do I use pen or pencil? If I use pen, what size should the tip be? 0.3mm? 0.5? If I use pencil, should I use soft or hard lead? 4H or 4B? HB? F? Do I draw my vanishing points, or just guess where they are? Do my figures need clothing? What if I don't draw any clothing, is that wrong? Can the frames be simple, or do they need detailed backgrounds?

You'd think creatively-minded people would crave artistic freedom, but I just want some direction because I have no idea what I'm doing. If you say to me, "write a 7-page paper on the role of women in athenian society" I could do it, no problem. I could write a colorful introduction to grab your attention with a quote from Plato or Socrates, I could guide you through six pages of opinions supported by ancient historical texts, and I could tie it all together nicely with some well-researched closing lines.
But tell me to draw 8 frames of a storyboard, and I panic. Oh boy.

Okay... I am just going to do whatever I feel like doing. If it's wrong it's wrong, I can't really help it at this point... I find with art stuff you usually have to mess it up pretty bad a few times before you can really get it right... there aren't exactly hard-and-fast rules or formats for success.

aphex twin + experimental film = RUBBER JOHNNY

WARNING: This might disturb you.

p.s.

My psychiatrist does not think I am bipolar either. Although I did get to talk extensively about my insomnia and how that affects my moods. She said I seemed like a "well-adjusted young adult" and that she thought I was "coping adequately with traumatic occurences" in my life. However I do have terrible insomnia and have had it for years.
I doubt many people know how frustrating chronic insomnia really is. I read some statistic that over 50% of Americans suffer from insomnia at some point in their life. But in that statistic insomnia was defined as "one night of sleeplessness". Multiply that by about 365, and you have one year of my life.
So anyway. I have tried to deal with the sleep problems in a lot of different ways... eating right, exercise, meditation, aromatherapy, lightbox therapy, hypnosis, vitamins/supplements, etc. I also have sleeping pills but I try not to use them too regularly. I am so young, I don't want to get addicted. Or ruin my liver or something. But even with everything else I am doing, my sleep cycle is really crazy sometimes.
The main thing the doctor said to me was to do whatever I needed to do to get the right amount of sleep. She said if that means sleeping pills, so be it. It is worth it in the long run, according to her.
I still don't know if I agree, but I will look into it more.
I also had to tell her about Mike, about how I've dealt with things in the past (cutting--oh, sooooo not a fun topic of conversation. Although I did feel proud when she asked me how long it's been. A long time!). But she seemed to think I have a good head on my shoulders and can handle what life throws my way. Which was very, very encouraging.
I had her call my mom in when we were done, just so she could hear the diagnosis (or non-diagnosis, whatever you want to call it) for herself. That part made me a little mad, cause my mom was trying to convince the psychiatrist still about my "manic-depressive" disorder. She didn't really seem satisfied with what The Shrink had told her. Which was annoying. The first question she asked was, "Did you tell her about your manic episodes?" My response was, "No... because I DON'T HAVE MANIC EPISODES."
I love my mom a lot, and I don't really blame her for acting the way she has been lately, but it gets on my nerves. I thought going to The Shrink would prove to her that I am actually doing alright, but it doesn't seem like it has. If anything it just wiped away all the doubts my mom has placed in my own mind over the past couple of weeks. But she is still watching me just as closely and with just as much doubt.
It makes me wonder what to share with her, and what I should keep to myself for fear of overreaction on her side... I don't like the concept of keeping something from my mom but I do believe there is such thing as too much information. Especially when my mom seems pretty fragile right now... I don't know if she could handle my thoughts and stresses as well as her own??

MOVIES

I freaking love them. I could talk about them and watch them all day every day. In fact I could wade through hours and hours of drawing and thousands of pages of boring art history text just to earn a degree so that I can make them myself.
So here are some of my opinions, as a film lover:

+ My ten favorite (I said favorite, not best) movies are the following:
-Rear Window
-Bridge On The River Kwai
-Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
-American History X
-The Sandlot
-Gattaca
-12 Monkeys
-Gone in 60 Seconds
-The Count of Monte Cristo
-Fight Club

+ Ten classic movies I highly recommend you own (or at least watch):
-Rear Window
-Casablanca
-Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
-The Bridge on the River Kwai
-The Godfather
-Mr. Smith Goes To Washington
-Vertigo
-The Manchurian Candidate (the original of course)
-On The Waterfront
-The Treasure of the Sierra Madre

+ Five movies I am ashamed of owning (but secretly love):
-Death to Smoochy
-She's All That
-Anastasia
-Here On Earth
-Fern Gully

+ The two movies I hate most in the world:
-What About Bob?
-Sleepover: The Movie

Discouraged.

There's the word I'm looking for.

This past week has been hell for me. I don't even know where to begin explaining everything that I'm feeling. When I try and think of words so many hit me at once it's impossible to seperate one feeling from another. Paranoiaconfusionlonelinessfrustrationanxietyfeardenial. It all feels like one huge wave of emotion that I don't know how to control.
The worst part is the paranoia. I have seen so many doctors lately, and I have to talk to my parents all of the time about how I feel. It gets so exhausting that there are times when I am at a complete loss for words. Last week they forced me to go to the Bipolar/Depression support group. It was horrible. When we walked in there was a girl with her head in her hands, sobbing, screaming that she just wanted to die "because the pain inside is unbearable." There were lots of bipolar people there. One woman said she would sleep for 23 hours a day sometimes, then get up and work obsessively for the next four days without sleeping. One of the men said that he would feel suicidal every couple of weeks, and then a week later find himself unable to sleep at night because he had so many ideas rushing through his head.
My parents really think that I am bipolar. They have mentioned it several times to me and treat me as if I really am and I'm just in denial. To be honest it freaks me out. The more they pressure me the more I wonder if they're right, if maybe they see something I don't. Then I'm so upset because I feel like they are tricking me. I feel like they want to find a problem with me. Something they can medicate and then forget about. Like, "we have dealt with her problems, we don't need to worry".
My mom pressured me into going to a psychiatrist. I say she pressured me but I never really had a choice in the matter. I have an appointment for it on Tuesday and I'm completely dreading it. This woman doesn't know me, what am I going to say to her? "Sometimes I am happy and sometimes I am sad." Does that make me manic depressive, or does that make me a normal human being? I am still a teenager. I haven't had the easiest life. Am I crazy for allowing myself to be upset about things?
It's gotten to the point now where I am afraid to act the way I want half of the time. I feel like I'm being watched for "signs" whenever I'm around my parents. But the more I try to avoid looking suspicious the more suspicious I act.
Take this weekend for example: on Friday we were at the beach. It was a typical lazy beach day and I slept in and took a long nap in the afternoon. Consequently I had trouble sleeping that night, and I had to get up early on Saturday for school. I got a total of maybe four hours of sleep that night, and I was at school for almost four hours in the morning. I tried to run a lot of errands in the afternoon, and by 9:00 that evening I was wiped out. I wanted a good night's sleep because I hadn't had one the night before, so I took a sleeping pill. I slept for almost twelve hours. I was also groggy from the medication for most of the day today, so I took a nap in the afternoon. Then I mentioned to my parents at dinner that I didn't want to go to church. My mom said she was concerned about my "escapism", etc.
After dinner, I had promised to hang out with a friend, so I had a cup of coffee before I went to meet up with her. Because I still felt pretty groggy. We hung out for a while and by the time I came home I was pretty awake. So I started working on my homework and doing some stuff my mom had asked me to do before she left. I have a ton of homework to do this week, and I promised Angie I would help out with VBS, so I wanted to get a head start on it while I had time and energy. I might not have either of those later in the week.
To me, this all seems like logical, rational behavior. There is an explanation for everything. To my mom it looks like: she slept too much on Saturday, she slept today, she doesn't want to hang out with her friends, now she is going overboard on her homework and not sleeping at a logical time: SHE MUST BE MANIC DEPRESSIVE.

I don't know what I am supposed to do. I can't tell what's bothering me for real and what is just my family freaking me out. I feel like I'm in one of those movies where the main character is insane and everybody knows it but him. I'm afraid everyone thinks this but me.
I think because of all this it's been really hard to deal with people lately. The only people I've really spent any time with are the people who I've been friends with for years. I guess since they know me better I'm less worried about them jumping to conclusions.
At the same time, in all of this, I'm brutally aware of the fact that they can't really be my support system. In September they will all go back to their various schools and I'll be in the same position I was last fall.
So basically I feel like shit. I'm scared. Mostly I'm scared of talking to people. I guess that doesn't particularly matter because, really, I don't have anyone to talk to.

i don't know the word...

i feel _______________________.

Can you tell me why you have been so sad?

THIS is my reason.

not sure i like this idea

my family has found some sort of "support group" for families that deal with depression and bi-polar disorder. we are supposed to go together but i don't like that idea for the following two reasons:
1) i do not want to share my story with a bunch of people i don't know, and i want even less to hear their stories and problems...
2) ever since "The Incident" every doctor/counselor/therapist/social worker i have met has been fairly eager to diagnose me with an illness of my own. i guess the thinking there being that if my brother and sister suffer from depression, i do too.

life is hard, and i am often sad, quite a bit sadder than i know how to deal with at times, but i am not depressed (that i know of). i also do not suffer from an eating disorder (another accusation that has been raised recently). i don't like the negative attention i am getting and i don't appreciate being slapped with a label and a bottle of pills by doctors who don't know what's going on. you can be sad without suffering from clinical depression, and last time i checked you don't medicate people for grief. it's not a chemical imbalance... it's a fact of life that everyone will have to deal with sooner or later.
i wonder if depression is still depression, no matter how good the reason?

irresponsible

one time i rented a videogame from a hollywood video, and i never returned it, then i moved and closed my account, and i still haven't returned it, and i accidently moved it with me, and i just remembered it this morning, and i'm betting any day now i get a bill from a collection service for it. which is dumb because it's not necessarily a video game that i want.
i wonder what would happen if i returned it now? how long do they allow you to waive late fees if you never rent from the same place twice? i'm sure those things catch up with you eventually, but i just wonder how long it takes...
or how much my bill is (i'm guessing it's a big one).
ugh. i'm so irresponsible. i have video game debt. if i'm going to have debt it might as well be for something good, like a house or a car or medical coverage, not for video games that i am just too stupid and lazy to return.
(this is proof that despite what you may think, i really am only eighteen years old. or maybe twelve. who knows)

me
-house color on the lower right side above the AC unit
-trim: gutters, door frames, porch rails, window on the upper left, ceilings on both porches and above the AC unit
-three coats on back door, one more on side and front doors
-shutters?
-touch ups
-reinstallment of shutters, windowboxes, etc.
-clean up

matt
-house color on three dormers, right side of house above second porch
-peak over dining area
-chimney!!
-trim on dormers and peak
-shutters

i don't know if there is enough work for me to do: as in, matt may end up working on his own tomorrow on the roof, which i think is fair, considering i worked by myself on monday, and he stuck me with all the prep??
ughhh i do not even want to get out of bed right now.
here goes.

therapyTHERAPYtherapyTHERAPYtherapy

donna mcintyre= mikes mom

ashbyduck (5:42:20 PM): have you been meeting with rick lately?
audioangel2 (5:42:33 PM): no, becuase
audioangel2 (5:42:35 PM): ahh
audioangel2 (5:42:38 PM): donna
audioangel2 (5:42:47 PM): JUST THIS LAST WEEK
audioangel2 (5:42:59 PM): won her settlement for mikes deaht
audioangel2 (5:43:01 PM): death
audioangel2 (5:43:03 PM): ugh
audioangel2 (5:43:08 PM): it took that long
ashbyduck (5:43:09 PM): what settlement?
audioangel2 (5:43:18 PM): from the hospital. she sued them
ashbyduck (5:43:21 PM): oh wow
audioangel2 (5:43:35 PM): yeah
audioangel2 (5:43:41 PM): and she called me to tell me
audioangel2 (5:43:50 PM): she is finally able to retire now
ashbyduck (5:44:06 PM): wow
ashbyduck (5:44:07 PM): okay
ashbyduck (5:44:09 PM): i'm confused
ashbyduck (5:44:11 PM): donna is retiring
ashbyduck (5:44:15 PM): so you're not seeing a councelor
ashbyduck (5:44:20 PM): fill in the middle part
audioangel2 (5:44:30 PM): oh, no
audioangel2 (5:44:39 PM): because i missed my appointment last week because of daniel.
audioangel2 (5:44:46 PM): and i don't shcedule one every week
audioangel2 (5:44:59 PM): and i knew i was painting this week, so i didn't make one
audioangel2 (5:45:07 PM): then rick usually wants to talk about mike stuff
audioangel2 (5:45:13 PM): he is a grief counselor after all
audioangel2 (5:45:19 PM): and he knows their family
ashbyduck (5:45:22 PM): yeah
audioangel2 (5:45:29 PM): and there is stuff going on with that right now too,
audioangel2 (5:45:34 PM): and it is too overwhelming
audioangel2 (5:45:42 PM): so i don't want to deal with any of it or talk to anyone
ashbyduck (5:45:59 PM): i think you need to talk to someone
ashbyduck (5:46:04 PM): who is not todd or justin or in your family
audioangel2 (5:46:16 PM): whats wrong with justin?
ashbyduck (5:46:37 PM): i mean, you can talk to him
ashbyduck (5:46:42 PM): i wouldn't expect justin to fix you
audioangel2 (5:47:02 PM): yeah i dont really expect anyone to fix me
audioangel2 (5:47:04 PM): at this point
audioangel2 (5:47:08 PM): even rick.
ashbyduck (5:47:17 PM): i just think it would help to talk to someone

It's been exactly one week.

And this past week has been a rough one. I never could have predicted all of the emotional trauma that goes along with the situation my family is in right now. But in the midst of that, I have been learning some very real truths, things I don't think I would have learned any other way. For example:
1. GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS. He answers them in real and powerful ways that I cannot predict or imagine. HE IS GOOD, and he is in control. That fact alone is enough to guide me through any really difficult situation.
2. OPENNESS AND HONESTY IS INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT. Hiding your feelings from people only makes things worse. To be happy and satisfied in relationships I believe we have to be real, be vulnerable, and choose sometimes a path that leads to hurt. This is a really hard lesson for me. I don't like to be honest about how I'm feeling. If I can avoid it I usually choose to. But I see parallels in myself and my brother. Specifically in the unwillingness to ask for help when we need it. I have been increasingly aware of the pain I cause myself in hiding my needs/insecurities from other people. No, it does not feel better to get them out. But I don't think the point is for me to feel better. I think the point is that I need to interact with others in a healthy way. Initially that hurts. Over time, it becomes something good and fruitful.
3. I LOVE MY FAMILY MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE ON THE PLANET. No matter how much drama, fear, and no matter how many mistakes, my love for these people is absolutely overwhelming. In the past week it has gotten even stronger. They have always been such a blessing to me, and I can't imagine life without any one of them.

rollercoaster

i swear im going crazy

STAR WARS: Epic Duels

do you know this game?

it is pure genius. i have perfected my epic duelling abilities and i now posess the skill to defeat any and all opponents. i honestly don't know why this game hasn't caught on. it kicks serious ass.

hung out with jak tonight. actually i owned him at SWED. that was all. he came over to bring me chocolate ice cream to cheer me up. it made me really really happy, especially since i didn't even ask him to do it. he was just thinking of me. the chocolate was good, but knowing he cared was what really cheered me up.
plus i freaking pwn3d him.

i used to play videogames and/or poker every friday night with these boys (jak and his roommates/bandmates). for money. i think they invited me just cause i always lose. but man those were the good old days.

and yet again i can't sleep. i am still so angry. i wish i could say more but i can't. my journal is filling up fast.

in case you wonder how i am doing the answer is i am not doing so well today. for example, this morning i woke up at 6. panicking of course because i had a dream someone was dead. i stayed in bed for 2 hours doing nothing. finally i started feeling sick, and decided i should eat. i thought to myself, but what would i eat? nothing sounds good. i decided i would probably feel better about eating if i had something to distract me, like if i was watching a movie. but i didn't have any movies i wanted to watch, so i thought, well, i'll go to blockbuster and get one.
the problem is in order to go to blockbuster i have to do the following things:
get out of bed
shower
get dressed
find my wallet and keys
talk to my mom
probably eat something because at this point i have been up for a while and can't function much longer without food. thus overriding my need to go to blockbuster in the first place.
so i did nothing.
i sat in bed for a while longer. i couldn't shower because i didn't want to get dressed. it is ridiculous but the thought of getting dressed in the morning makes me panic a little. i have to find clothes that match that weren't the clothes i wore yesterday. there are never enough clean clothes and they don't look or feel right. once i put them on there will be some problem with them and i will have to take them off and start over from the beginning.
i swear i'm not crazy, these are just the things i do when i'm stressed.
this morning for the first time in about 10 years my mom chose my outfit for me.
so then i could shower. shower, get dressed, eat.

something my mom said today is that people who haven't been in this position may not understand exactly what we're going through. like, "well he didn't actually commit suicide, so it's ok." but no, it's not ok. i have been through all of that too and it is a different feeling. grief feels like anger and sadness. this feels like anxiety and fear. there is less you can do about anxiety and fear than you can do about anger and sadness. if i knew how to deal with fear i would not be paranoid about frogs, saliva germs, and getting my eyes poked out.
let's just say it's not exactly my area of expertise and i don't really know what i'm supposed to do about it. like grief it feels very lonely. very very lonely yet there is pressure to maintain control. for my own sake as well as everyone elses.

my mom said we all need to find our own way of dealing with things. today she went and got a pedicure and a new dress. i cannot think of a single thing that will make me feel better except for people, and the ones i want i am afraid to ask for help.

i am too proud and too insecure to open myself up to disappointment from other people. if i do not ask you to help me i cannot be hurt when you don't do it. that is the theory anyway.
i feel like crap. and ive been up since 6 and it is past 2am right now and i don't want tomorrow yet.

i want to slap my little sister. hard.
i don't think she realizes the entire world does not revolve around her. i hate how smart she is and how smoothly and carelessly she manipulates everyone around her. i wonder if she cares about anything besides herself. i would like to think she does but so far every single time i've given her the benefit of the doubt she lets me down.
like everyone.
it makes me sick to think how much i've tried to do for her the past week. she is such a liar.
it scares me how mad i am at her right now.

there is no part of me, no secret hidden place in the innermost depths of my soul, where i can even begin to fathom acting the way my siblings have been acting over the past couple of weeks. I CANNOT EVEN COMPREHEND IT. I cannot even comprehend actually responding to them in the way that I really want to. I am not so selfish that I am incapable of putting aside my own anger and letting them work through their shit.
because hey. IT'S NOT ABOUT ME.

but, seriously.
get the picture, guys.
we play as a team.
it doesn't work if you lie. or try and quit the game early.

over the past few days i always wake up in a state of panic. my first instinct waking up is to call everyone i love to make sure they're okay. i have to resist the desire to do so. i don't want to bother people and i know im just being paranoid. thank god for text messaging so i can just send random texts pretending i actually have something to talk about. most people react better to a text that's all, "hey what are you up to?" or "what are you doing tonight?" than a phone call at 8am where i'm just stammering, "uhhh... ummm... so you're still alive, right?"
it is a little silly, but i want to KNOW that the people I love are safe. If I can't be physically with them all the time I want to be talking to them as much as is possible.
so feel free to check in with me as much as you'd like. it would be a relief if in the midst of my morning panic attack i could grab my phone and see good morning texts from all of you. it would save me from having to think up a bunch of ridiculous unimportant questions to ask you. and it would save you from having to answer them.

=)