Discouraged.

There's the word I'm looking for.

This past week has been hell for me. I don't even know where to begin explaining everything that I'm feeling. When I try and think of words so many hit me at once it's impossible to seperate one feeling from another. Paranoiaconfusionlonelinessfrustrationanxietyfeardenial. It all feels like one huge wave of emotion that I don't know how to control.
The worst part is the paranoia. I have seen so many doctors lately, and I have to talk to my parents all of the time about how I feel. It gets so exhausting that there are times when I am at a complete loss for words. Last week they forced me to go to the Bipolar/Depression support group. It was horrible. When we walked in there was a girl with her head in her hands, sobbing, screaming that she just wanted to die "because the pain inside is unbearable." There were lots of bipolar people there. One woman said she would sleep for 23 hours a day sometimes, then get up and work obsessively for the next four days without sleeping. One of the men said that he would feel suicidal every couple of weeks, and then a week later find himself unable to sleep at night because he had so many ideas rushing through his head.
My parents really think that I am bipolar. They have mentioned it several times to me and treat me as if I really am and I'm just in denial. To be honest it freaks me out. The more they pressure me the more I wonder if they're right, if maybe they see something I don't. Then I'm so upset because I feel like they are tricking me. I feel like they want to find a problem with me. Something they can medicate and then forget about. Like, "we have dealt with her problems, we don't need to worry".
My mom pressured me into going to a psychiatrist. I say she pressured me but I never really had a choice in the matter. I have an appointment for it on Tuesday and I'm completely dreading it. This woman doesn't know me, what am I going to say to her? "Sometimes I am happy and sometimes I am sad." Does that make me manic depressive, or does that make me a normal human being? I am still a teenager. I haven't had the easiest life. Am I crazy for allowing myself to be upset about things?
It's gotten to the point now where I am afraid to act the way I want half of the time. I feel like I'm being watched for "signs" whenever I'm around my parents. But the more I try to avoid looking suspicious the more suspicious I act.
Take this weekend for example: on Friday we were at the beach. It was a typical lazy beach day and I slept in and took a long nap in the afternoon. Consequently I had trouble sleeping that night, and I had to get up early on Saturday for school. I got a total of maybe four hours of sleep that night, and I was at school for almost four hours in the morning. I tried to run a lot of errands in the afternoon, and by 9:00 that evening I was wiped out. I wanted a good night's sleep because I hadn't had one the night before, so I took a sleeping pill. I slept for almost twelve hours. I was also groggy from the medication for most of the day today, so I took a nap in the afternoon. Then I mentioned to my parents at dinner that I didn't want to go to church. My mom said she was concerned about my "escapism", etc.
After dinner, I had promised to hang out with a friend, so I had a cup of coffee before I went to meet up with her. Because I still felt pretty groggy. We hung out for a while and by the time I came home I was pretty awake. So I started working on my homework and doing some stuff my mom had asked me to do before she left. I have a ton of homework to do this week, and I promised Angie I would help out with VBS, so I wanted to get a head start on it while I had time and energy. I might not have either of those later in the week.
To me, this all seems like logical, rational behavior. There is an explanation for everything. To my mom it looks like: she slept too much on Saturday, she slept today, she doesn't want to hang out with her friends, now she is going overboard on her homework and not sleeping at a logical time: SHE MUST BE MANIC DEPRESSIVE.

I don't know what I am supposed to do. I can't tell what's bothering me for real and what is just my family freaking me out. I feel like I'm in one of those movies where the main character is insane and everybody knows it but him. I'm afraid everyone thinks this but me.
I think because of all this it's been really hard to deal with people lately. The only people I've really spent any time with are the people who I've been friends with for years. I guess since they know me better I'm less worried about them jumping to conclusions.
At the same time, in all of this, I'm brutally aware of the fact that they can't really be my support system. In September they will all go back to their various schools and I'll be in the same position I was last fall.
So basically I feel like shit. I'm scared. Mostly I'm scared of talking to people. I guess that doesn't particularly matter because, really, I don't have anyone to talk to.