and yet again i can't sleep. i am still so angry. i wish i could say more but i can't. my journal is filling up fast.

in case you wonder how i am doing the answer is i am not doing so well today. for example, this morning i woke up at 6. panicking of course because i had a dream someone was dead. i stayed in bed for 2 hours doing nothing. finally i started feeling sick, and decided i should eat. i thought to myself, but what would i eat? nothing sounds good. i decided i would probably feel better about eating if i had something to distract me, like if i was watching a movie. but i didn't have any movies i wanted to watch, so i thought, well, i'll go to blockbuster and get one.
the problem is in order to go to blockbuster i have to do the following things:
get out of bed
shower
get dressed
find my wallet and keys
talk to my mom
probably eat something because at this point i have been up for a while and can't function much longer without food. thus overriding my need to go to blockbuster in the first place.
so i did nothing.
i sat in bed for a while longer. i couldn't shower because i didn't want to get dressed. it is ridiculous but the thought of getting dressed in the morning makes me panic a little. i have to find clothes that match that weren't the clothes i wore yesterday. there are never enough clean clothes and they don't look or feel right. once i put them on there will be some problem with them and i will have to take them off and start over from the beginning.
i swear i'm not crazy, these are just the things i do when i'm stressed.
this morning for the first time in about 10 years my mom chose my outfit for me.
so then i could shower. shower, get dressed, eat.

something my mom said today is that people who haven't been in this position may not understand exactly what we're going through. like, "well he didn't actually commit suicide, so it's ok." but no, it's not ok. i have been through all of that too and it is a different feeling. grief feels like anger and sadness. this feels like anxiety and fear. there is less you can do about anxiety and fear than you can do about anger and sadness. if i knew how to deal with fear i would not be paranoid about frogs, saliva germs, and getting my eyes poked out.
let's just say it's not exactly my area of expertise and i don't really know what i'm supposed to do about it. like grief it feels very lonely. very very lonely yet there is pressure to maintain control. for my own sake as well as everyone elses.

my mom said we all need to find our own way of dealing with things. today she went and got a pedicure and a new dress. i cannot think of a single thing that will make me feel better except for people, and the ones i want i am afraid to ask for help.

i am too proud and too insecure to open myself up to disappointment from other people. if i do not ask you to help me i cannot be hurt when you don't do it. that is the theory anyway.
i feel like crap. and ive been up since 6 and it is past 2am right now and i don't want tomorrow yet.