some thoughts on life

I have always considered myself to be a pretty compassionate person, but lately I've been so frustrated with my siblings that I have a hard time being gracious with them. It is getting exhausting dealing with my brother. For about a month now we have been planning every action of every day around him and his moods. I wouldn't mind that so much, except that he makes it very difficult for us to help him. First of all, he has told my parents not to force him to do anything, because if he does something only because he has been forced to do it, it doesn't make him feel any better. But then when we politely try to convince him to do small tasks (like exercise, or go outside), he refuses. If we took everything at his pace, he would never get better.
Also he acts like a complete jerk most of the time. I understand that he's sick and there's some room to excuse his behavior for a time. But at some point we really do need to stop worrying about stepping on his toes (it seems like it's impossible not to) and start worrying about what is best for the rest of the family. We need to see his progress just as much as he does. And it seems to me if he isn't trying to get better on his own; if he isn't making any effort... then maybe he needs a little more structure.
I also have very little patience for my sister right now. I have been snapping at her a lot lately. I hate the way she acts around guys, the little comments she makes, the flirting, the way she dresses... all of that. I used to feel very overprotective of her, like she was some sort of victim. Now I just think she is manipulative, and most of the time she is asking for trouble.
It does not make me feel good to think this way about my siblings. I know there have been times in our lives where I have been the one screwing up and treating everyone like crap. For the most part, my siblings (especially my brother) were incredibly understanding and gracious with me, and I really want to try to be that way for them right now. But it does not come easy. I still feel very little patience. Part of it is watching them struggle through things that seem like a cakewalk to me.
Sometimes I just have a horrible attitude. Like their pain cannot be valid because there doesn't seem to be a good reason for it and they refuse to pull themselves out of it. The way I honestly think is: if I could get through losing Mike, and pull myself out of all of that pain, then they should be able to push through whatever is going on with them.
I hate that I feel that way... it's so unfair and so un-Christlike. I know this, but it does not make these thoughts and ideas disappear. I really just want them both to get better, and it doesn't feel like anything is working.

One thing that has been hard for me is feeling like I have no place of refuge... it is not calming to be in my house. But it is also not calming to go out, because it means I have to be around people (which is always exhausting for me, even when I'm not dealing with something). I also have not been working out lately, which adds to my feeling stressed.

So the following three things are on my list of things to do this week:
1) pray for and show compassion when I am dealing with my brother and sister
2) find some relaxing place to spend a day and get re-centered
3) work out 6 days this coming week (what I was doing before... this may be too much but... i'm aiming high)