this is for you. you know who you are.

Troubled, Siddhartha looked into his friendly face, in the many wrinkles in which there was incessant cheerfulness.
 "How could I part with him?" he said quietly, ashamed. "Give me some more time, my dear! See, I'm fighting for him, I'm seeking to win his heart, with love and with friendly patience I intend to capture it."
Vasudeva's smile flourished more warmly...
"You don't force him... because you know that 'soft' is stronger than 'hard', water stronger than rocks, love stronger than force. But aren't you mistaken in thinking that you wouldn't force him...? Don't you shackle him with your love? Don't you make it even harder on him with your kindness and patience?... Isn't he forced... by all this?"
… Siddhartha…went troubled into the hut, and could not sleep for a long time. Vasudeva had told him nothing he had not already thought and known for himself. But this was a knowledge he could not act upon, stronger than the knowledge was his love... stronger was his tenderness, his fear to lose him. Had he ever lost his heart so much to something, had he ever loved any person thus-- blindly... sufferingly... unsuccessfully... and yet happily?... Indeed, he had never been able to lose or devote himself completely to another person, to forget himself, to commit foolish acts for the love of another person; never had he been able to do this, and this was, as it had seemed to him at that time, the great distinction which set him apart from the [ordinary] people. But now, …Siddhartha had also become [an ordinary] person, suffering for the sake of another person, loving another person, lost to a love, having become a fool on account of love. Now he too felt... this strongest and strangest of all passions, suffered from it, suffered miserably, and was nevertheless in bliss, was nevertheless renewed.

I seriously think I am losing it.

... I am such a woman. I am more than slightly ashamed of this story, but oh well. It's just been one of those days.
So this morning I was actually in tears because I could not find a pair of pants that fit. And I had misplaced my belt. I spent at least 20 minutes looking for the belt, and could not find it. So I cried. Then, I threw up (not because of the crying, but because I have been nauseous lately and unable to keep food down... whatever). Then, I got dressed and headed off to my meeting with pants that were literally falling off of me every time I stood up. And I felt gross. And a little like crying.
After dealing with my nausea for a couple of hours, I finally just left my meeting, called the doctor and went into the office to get checked out. I had an appointment for Thursday but... I haven't kept a meal down in several days, and I can't wait that long. I am sooooo tired and hungry and crappy feeling.
The doctor said he can't switch my medicine (he switched me off of the other one because of the weight loss thing, and he was hoping my body would do better on this one) because not enough time has passed yet to see if I will get used to it. UGH. So he gave me pills for my nausea and sent me on my way, with a "if you're still throwing up on thursday, come back in to the office." Uhhh... ok?

medical problems?

I know for most people weight is primarily a cosmetic issue. I mean, sure, there are health issues attached to it, but the majority of people judge their body based on feeling; they FEEL too fat or too skinny, and that is what drives them to change-- exercise, diet, whatever.
I'm not going to pretend like I'm any different from anyone else. Of course I am self-concious about how I look. I could probably stand to lose a few pounds and that has been true for as long as I can remember. But I don't think, based on conversations I have had over the past few years, that it is as important to me as it is to most women. I rarely notice physical changes in myself until other people point them out to me. I don't expect to be the most beautiful woman in the world, and I am pretty satisfied with the way I look. It's good enough for me.
Okay, so that was basically just a preface to what I'm about to say now. I have been losing weight. For a while now, and not on purpose. In fact, I have been trying pretty hard to maintain my weight and it is dropping anyway.
This concerns me-- from a medical standpoint. Last December I found out I have a blood problem and I started taking meds for it. That was when I started losing weight. At first my doctor said it was just a normal side effect, and I wasn't losing very much or very fast, so it wasn't a big deal, and my body would get used to it and even out eventually. But lately it has been getting more noticeable, and faster. Which isn't right. If my activity level and food intake has stayed the same, there is no reason for me to have been losing wieght.
The thing is, technically, I'm not in any medical danger. This isn't actually a real problem yet. So far, I am just losing my extra fat. And on a cosmetic level, that doesn't bother me. In fact... let it happen. I would love to lose a few pounds. Why not?
BUT. I am a little worried about what this means. It shouldn't be happening, and we can't get it to stop. So say it goes on for a few more months, or a year, or a couple years? Then it will be a real problem. And I will just keep on getting sicker that whole time.
Anyway. Being sick is frustrating me. I don't know what to do. And this isn't even worth whining about yet, but I'll admit it's been bugging me for at least a month now. And I have really complicated and mixed feelings about it.

yesterday i felt better but today i feel awful

dear mr. roth,
you seem like a very nice person, and i am glad that you are interested in reading my blog. and yes i read yours, and you are very funny. however since i don't know you there is actually no way for me to judge whether or not you will hunt me down and kill me if i become your friend on facebook. i am not saying you will do this, i am just saying i can't know for sure, and the internet is a dangerous place. How do i know that if i tell you my name you won't find me and hack me to pieces? you never know about internet people, right? =)
love,
me

also, another thing for today is that i want one of those graphic tablets so i can draw things into my blog instead of writing them. i think that would be easier. if anyone has a million dollars (of me and ashby money, which is really only around $250 of real money) and would like to buy me one i'm all for it. better yet, build me a time machine so i can go back to the time of cro-magnon man, where they didn't even have words and just communicated in grunts and pictures. i would be better than everyone else, and everybody would love me because i would always know the perfect thing to say(/grunt/draw).
a scanner would also do the trick.




p.s. some things i really do want, maybe for my birthday???:
-the human brain documentary series from opb (it goes from infant brain to adult brain... genius. it is a masterpiece)
-an anatomy textbook, with lots of pictures and diagrams. and maybe a fake human skeleton to go with it. one that i can take apart and re-assemble if i feel like it, and maybe hide in my roommate's bed to freak her out (if she ever comes home).
-an oscillating fan. yes the oscillating part is pretty important, because it moves cool air all around the room, instead of just in one direction...
-pants that fit. or, a better belt.

on the subject of losing close friends

i feel like some of my friends are letting me go.
i'm not going to pretend it doesn't suck or hurt really, really bad.
i'm also not going to pretend i don't wonder what i did wrong or how to fix it, because i would give anything in the world for these people to value me as much as i value them.
on the other hand, there are circumstances in which relationships fail.
i can't always fix it,
and sometimes, it really is my fault.

one of my biggest insecurities has to do with my own emotions. i don't know how to share them with people in a way that doesn't overwhelm them or drive them away. i am painfully aware of how unattractive and trivial my drama is to other people. i really spend the majority of energy in my relationships 1) assessing whether or not i can trust people with my shit, 2) trying to spill it in a controlled and sane manner so i won't scare them away, 3) letting go in super intense and frustrated outbursts of insecurity/pain, 4) subsequently worrying that i really am driving them away by all of my stupid, childish behavior.

When I start to trust people enough that I lay my shit on them, I do it knowing that eventually they will say, "I have had enough," and walk away. The question is usually when, how long, how much will they take before they get bored and tired and overwhelmed and just give up?

the point is, i see people pulling away, and now it is my move, and rather than trying harder to get back what i've lost, maybe it's time to just let go. move on. free them of my high expectations and demands for unconditional love.
it hurts. more than i know how to express- i feel very alone right now. but i think god will provide that kind of relationship in time, when i have gained the maturity required to maintain it.

rough stuff

I don't really know how to express everything that I am thinking right now. I feel like too much is happening for me to explain. Hahaha... this is how I get when I am overwhelmed by emotions.
Anyway... it is a mixture of good and bad. I am heartbroken over some of the things that have happened recently, but I am learning a lot about God through all of this, and learning to rely on people who will build me up.
Don't really know what to say besides that. I feel like I owe an explanation but I don't have one. Too hard to find words. So, that is all I'll say for now.

my heart hurts

no. i lied

i'm not done procrastinating yet.
i am preemptively stressed about this weekend.
there is a memorial service for my friend caities dad tomorrow morning
i hate memorial services (when my mike died, i skipped the memorial service. i remember my excuse too... i told my mom that i had to be in my anatomy class that day or i would fail the final/flunk the class. ... but i don't think i went to anatomy. i think i got stoned instead.)

also. formal party thing tomorrow night
i am supposed to wear a fancy dress (which i don't have)
i am too shy for parties.

bio/scriptwriting

I have a huge biology paper due today. I'm really not looking forward to typing it but it must be done. I'm trying to warm up my brain by writing in here.
My scriptwriting class last night was amazing. Turned in scene 3, got back scene 2. Alex helped me calm down about the pace of my story and got me back on track. I am starting to get a little unsure of myself. I need to write a lot faster and my story is really complex. Sometimes I feel like I don't have a handle on it.
The best part was a conversation I had with Jackie (she is my teacher). I was asking her if there was a way to get more experience writing features. There are only two Script classes at my school and the 2nd is for short films. The thing is I feel like I have a surprisingly good handle on this kind of writing. It comes pretty naturally and my characters take on a life of their own really fast.
Anyway, Jackie told me independent studies are available every term and she could help me out in the fall if I take advanced scriptwriting with her. She also told me I am a good writer and that she would like to work with me more.
That is the best compliment coming from Jackie, because she actually works in the field and has for years. She is an extremely good writer. I'm kind of in love with her. Everyone in DMP is. She's a genius.
Anyway it felt good to hear that from her. And to get feedback from Eli and Alex. I have a lot of work to do the next couple weeks. I get to have a private conference with Jackie next week. So excited.

Okay... on to bio. Ugh, I am totally dreading this. This class is completely kicking my ass right now. I have a huge presentation due in three weeks and I can't even begin to wrap my mind around it... I somehow got stuck as group leader and now everyone seems to be looking to me for direction. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO PULL THIS OFF IN THREE WEEKS. I have too much on my plate. Yeah, I am going to figure out some way to do it, but I can already tell this is going to be a pain in the ass.
Okay... I am done writing for real. Off to do my homework.

words, because that's how everyone else communicates things

I am pretty discouraged this week, in case you can't tell. There are a lot of reasons I can think of for this feeling, none of which are particularly good reasons. But that doesn't really change the fact that I feel crappy. And when I feel crappy I spend a lot more time drawing and painting. And when I do more drawing and painting I also write more. I've been told this will help me communicate better.
People tell me all the time I am fine at communicating but I don't feel like I am. Maybe I can find a way to express little tiny things in ways other people can understand, but I feel like the majority of my thoughts and feelings are way too complex to explain. Usually I talk circles around an issue and end up hitting on about 10% of what I feel like is important. Interestingly enough, this seems to be a good amount for other people, so maybe it is just me who feels inadequate. It could be that all the other things I think are not socially relevant. The question then is why do I want so badly to express them? And why am I so disappointed when I can't?
Right now I am in therapy. Art therapy, actually. For my grief. It is interesting. I have this assignment each week where I draw how I am feeling and then I have to write a page explaining it. I am surprised at some of the stuff that comes out of my head. Some of it is so abstract that I can't even THINK of words.
I know a lot of people think art therapy is dumb. My own best friend laughed at me when I told him about it. That hurt. I guess I can understand why people think that, but it's really hard to hear. It is the way I think and process things. It is hard to do that otherwise.
I guess I am just frustrated because I feel like I can never explain myself directly-- it has to be THROUGH something else, like a drawing or action or words someone else has written where I can just point out-- "hey, this applies to me." When people tell me they don't think art is important (which they do, quite often), it feels like they are saying, "your ideas and your personality are not important." Like many things, I realize that is probably not what they mean, but that is so much how it feels.

The older I get and the more I understand myself the more I realize how distanced I am from other people. It is a very sad feeling and I wish there was something I could do to change it.

That may seem very eloquent to you but I spent about an hour drawing it before I wrote a single word. And I'm leaving so much out. It is starting to make sense to me why artists are generally interpreted as independent, selfish and misanthropic.

the downside to being a dumb teenager: LUST

Through the cracked window
the sighs of night air
brush through the shades.
i am alone,
except for the images of you
that stain my mind
like dark red wine on a tablecloth.
you look in my eyes
and you see this filth,
it has formed the bricks of our great wall,
corroded the stones of our grand canyon,
angered the tides of our red sea.
now, looking back,
i am ashamed to admit:
i knew the darkness when it came.
i knew it in the warmth of your hand
as you touched my cheek,
or pressed your lips to my ear
and whispered--
---well...
something you could never mean.
and i, being so empty,
could not bring myself to care.

weeks later,
i have forgotten what drove me to be so childish,
to auction off a friend i valued
for cheap kisses and empty sentiments.
tonight, my heart burns to share with you
my love for the lips that speak wisdom when i'm lost,
the hands that protect me when i'm afraid,
the cheeks that bear my tears
when i am too proud to bear them alone.
and, if i traded these away so quickly,
i would just as soon take them back
--i would take it ALL back.

real things i think, and why i sometimes kick myself for thinking them

[excerpt from a letter to rick]

"...it's stupid, really, but i can't move forward. i feel stuck, like i've got a set of weights tied to my ankles, dragging me down. It's more than just the loss of someone important, someone who i loved and cared about. To be honest, that happens to me every day. I have such a capacity for love that I can love anyone. I could fall in love right now, probably, and get married and settle down, and for my part be a loyal, faithful, loving spouse. for the rest of my life.
the problem is not that, i don't think. what i feel like i lost is someone who really LOVED ME. I feel like i lost the only person (besides my family, of course) who will ever really care enough to figure me out, to know how i tick. i loved that feeling that i didn't even have to say anything because he knew it already. i loved how we'd go to restaurants and he'd order for me because he knew what i wanted. i loved him finishing my sentences and anticipating my stupid quirks. i loved how he kept a blanket on the back of his couch even in the summer because he knew i'd always want it. i loved how he would hold my hand when we were with his friends, because he knew i felt shy and awkward. i miss feeling like i can just be myself, like i can fucking cry if i want to, like i can say anything and not be worried that people are getting bored or annoyed with me. or tired of my drama.
it's those stupid little things that i miss, the kind of things he would notice when no one else would. i can't explain how much it meant to me just to be understood by someone. and not effortlessly the way your family knows you from years of experience... but intentionally, from observation, from paying attention to all my ugliness and flaws and finding a way to turn it into something good and healthy.
honestly, rick, that is the answer to your question. that is what "haunts me". i am absolutely certain i will, at some point, fall in love again. in fact in the time since i lost mike there have already been people in my life who i've loved intensely. i've dated plenty of people. i am not worried about my heart moving on. i am ready.
what i have learned, though, is that loving someone, no matter how much or how deeply, does not make them love you in return. they may value you, want friendship, want a relationship, want all of these things. they may even say they love you or claim to understand you. but i know the difference in my heart.
so i guess all of that to say what i am really afraid of is that no one will ever love me. i don't blame them and i don't really expect them to, but it makes me wonder what is the point? what is the point of opening up to people if they really don't understand and really don't care to? if they don't have the capacity or put forth the effort this whole thing gets pointless so damn fast.
i really just want to feel that someone, anyone, has made an effort to figure me out. i mean REALLY understand me, and without my having to force it, or explain it, or whatever.
is that too high of an expectation?
it's an honest question... i really don't know. you started the conversation. and you're supposed to be the wise one. so YOU tell ME."

INFJ

Just some quotes--- things I read about my personality type. These are mostly about how my type relates to others. If you know me they will probably make you smile because of how true they are. I feel a little silly putting so much stock in a personality test... but it's so right!

(Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging)

Comprises 1% (or less) of the population, making it the most rare of the 16 types.

-In conflict, INFJs tend to waver between expression and repression. They are very sensitive to correction and conflict and are often discouraged or disillusioned by disagreements.
-Shy and reserved, INFJs may be read as cold or judgemental, but they are geniunely warm and caring people who value interpersonal relationships and have an incredible depth of emotion.
-INFJs will judge the outcome of their decisions before they have made them, and act for the desired result.
-In close, trusting relationships INFJs are capable of being sincere and open-- but usually on their own terms. They will share what they want, how and when they choose to, and nothing more.
-Trust is of the utmost importance to an INFJ. Because of this, they will shut down as soon as they begin to feel uncomfortable or insecure.
-INFJs long for the perfect relationship- both with lovers and friends. They are good friends themselves and expect as much from others. Because of their high expectations they can be often and easily disappointed. Intensely loyal, they seek lifelong relationships, and a true connection is of the utmost value to an INFJ.
-Because they are easily misunderstood by other types (and because this feeling is incredibly painful for an INFJ), they tend to be quiet and withdrawn. They are deep and complex, and typically difficult to understand. They can seem unpredictable to those who do not know them very well.
-Above all else, their desire is to be understood and valued as they are. This hunger of the INFJ is rarely satisfied due to their secretive nature. Successful relationships with INFJs require intentional interest in core values, religious beliefs (if they have them), and thought processes. Expressing interest in these things assures an INFJ that they are loved and valued, the way they love and value others.

oops.

so i forgot about matt's birthday (it was friday) and HE called ME, and when i called him back i just said I was too busy to talk and I would call him when I got a chance. Now it is sunday night and I still haven't called him back, and just now his girlfriend sent me a message reminding me that he misses me and wants me to call him. and that i forgot his birthday. on top of that she said that when i did call him i should not tell him about our conversation. which means probably that he got upset and told her about how crappy of a friend i am. and she knows that the best thing to do is for him to believe that i actually cared/remembered, when in fact i didn't.
so anyway. i feel guilty now. i am a bad friend.

awful

i went and saw a horrible horrible play- oklahoma. it sucked. it sucked so much that even though my cousin was in it i left during intermission. even getting to intermission was torture. torture on a "slowly breaking every bone in your body" kind of level. it's not that the acting or singing or dancing or sets or script or songs were bad. it's that they were awful. AWFUL. I wanted to tear out my eyeballs and use them as earplugs.

my cousin did a good job though.


also, this formal thing: got a date, don't got a dress. thinking of ditching the date. dates are free and easy to find... but dresses? that could take weeks of shopping around, and money that i simply do not have.
he is pretty cute though, so we'll see if i can figure something out.
suggestions? ashby, you up for a sewing project?
hahaha... juuuuuuust kidding. maybe.

mixed feelings

a pretty good day i guess. i talked to my brother earlier and my dad is feeling a little better. he has missed work for over a week already, so i'm hoping he feels well enough to go to the office soon. i'm sure they're hurting without him there.

i aced my computer fundamentals midterm. it was pretty hard so it felt really good. only three more to go.

also i had a pretty encouraging quiet time today. i've been working on a study about communicating with God after Justin and I had a conversation about that a couple weeks ago. there is some good stuff, and i feel a little encouraged, like maybe God hasn't completely forgotten about me the way I thought he had...

the bad things are that there is some drama going on in our church and it has been really discouraging. especially today. yikes. some things have been said that have really, really hurt my feelings. todd came and visited me today and got to hear my frustrations and i felt SOOO much better after i had talked it all out with him. i wish i could do that more because it is so much easier to explain how i feel out loud to someone like todd who knows me really well and can fill in the blanks, vs. trying to say a bunch of stuff to a computer screen where people don't really know me as well as i would like and things are often misread. im way too sensitive for this mode of communication.

the other thing is i'm having so much trouble sleeping, as evidenced by the fact that it is nearly 5am and i am writing a stupid blog instead of sleeping... I think maybe this has something to do with all the stress, first about my dad, then the midterms, and now church... ahhh! i would like to sleep longer than an hour at night without waking up worried about something. it's not a good feeling.

my dad

i guess he has viral pneumonia. my family is not doing a good job of keeping me updated. i talked to him on the phone today and he seemed pretty sick. todd and nate and i went to visit and he was looking better, but after nate left his temp spiked again. he is changing meds again, but there is not really much the doctors can do besides the whole trial-and-error process. it bugs me that with all our technology there is nothing they can do to make him feel better or get better any faster.
i probably worry too much, but i don't like that it's been a whole week and he is just getting worse.

also i have midterms starting tomorrow. i'm a little unprepared, so this week might be semi-crazy. and so far i am stuck on my screenplay, the next scene of which is due on thursday night. stuck as in, i have one word written.

scary

My dad has been super sick all week and last night his fever spiked again; he had to go to the hospital around 10pm to get checked out to make sure everything was ok. I had to leave and didn't hear from my family until late this morning... looks like he is going to be ok although the doc still doesn't know for sure what's wrong. He's on a new type of med though so hopefully he will be feeling better in the next couple of days. If not they say there are a couple more meds they can try before they know for sure that it's something bigger. I have never seen him this sick before, so it's kind of freaky.

brianna came home from college today...

and oh my gosh... i freaking love her.

enough said.

A nice way to end a long week...

It feels like the longest day ever. Color theory today was the longest 4 hours of my life. We studied the physics of color theory, linear perspective, social connotations, etc. And colored pencils. I drew a mango. If it wasn't for Eli I might have had a mental breakdown... Cynthia is never going to give me an A no matter how hard I work. lame.

I forgot about Cinco De Mayo, but it turned out to be an ok night. Noah had a barbecue on the roof of our building (he is my buddy who lives across the hall). It is so beautiful up there in the evening when you can see the whole city. The sunset and everything. It was fun. (some cute older guys, too... haha. and i am sooooo smooth. i have flirting down to a science, i swear.)
After that we went to this lady's house who makes/sells custom art tiles. They were really cool. It was one of those rich "art snob" parties... I guess now that we're "artists" we've earned our way into their social circle. But, really, I had a good time. We hung out and talked about tiles and everybody else drank margaritas while I drank root beer. Yum. (I was DD. Not that I was going to drink anyway, but that is not my favorite job. It is wonderful being 18 when all my friends are like, 25... but anyway, that's a seperate issue.)
Then up to Council Crest to hang out for a bit. Got lost and took a long detour. Then home.

ANYWAY. On a more important note...
As it turns out, I spoke too soon about my dad being ok. He got incredibly sick this week. He is running a temp of 102.7 and above, and has been for a couple days now. I came home to bring him some movies and make sure he is ok. He has to preach on Sunday and as of right now I would say that might not happen.
It's only 12 but I'm exhausted... I have to work in the morning... I have a lot more to say but I will save it I guess.

Hope everyone else had a good night!

scene 1: suicide, three years prior

This is the first scene of my movie. As a warning to anyone who is planning on reading this... it has some language, so, if that bothers you, don't...
The formatting is wrong because I had to paste it straight from Final Draft. But it's all there. I think.

1




IN BLACK:

As the credits roll, we can just barely distinguish the sound of a police siren over banging, shouting and loud sobbing. At first it is barely audible, but becomes loud very quickly, and we can distinguish separate voices. A MALE POLICE OFFICER and his FEMALE PARTNER are attempting to reason with DEVIN, who is in hysterics and refuses to open the door.

MALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
Ma’am! MA’AM! You need to open the door right now!

There is a loud banging and a crash sounds from behind the locked door.

DEVIN (V.O.)
Wake up, you bastard! WAKE UP!

There is another crash.

DEVIN (V.O.)
Get the fuck up!

FEMALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
Calm down, ma’am. We need you to open the door.
There is a pause and then a loud thump. Sobbing erupts from behind the door.

DEVIN (V.O.)
Oh, god… Oh god, oh god, OH GOD!
(beat) …BREATHE, GODDAMNIT!

FEMALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
(to partner)
Prepare to force entry.
(to Devin)
We’re entering the house.

DEVIN (V.O.)
(sobbing violently)
Wait! It’s my boyfriend…

2




FEMALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
(to partner)
On three.

DEVIN (V.O.)
He’s not breathing. Eric… oh god! Wake up!

FEMALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
One.

DEVIN (V.O.)
Why won’t you just wake up?

FEMALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
Two.

There is the sound of breaking glass from inside the apartment.

FEMALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
Three.

There is a loud bang and the creak of busting wood as the door gives way and the two police officers force their way into the apartment.

MALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
Police! Ma’am, are you hurt?

DEVIN
(Sobs quietly throughout the interaction between officers)

FEMALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
Oh god.
(on radio)
Officer Brown requesting two paramedic units to 104 College Street. A male and female, both around age 20, male is unconscious… looks like a suicide attempt...

MALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
(quietly, to partner)
There’s no pulse. He’s probably been dead for hours.

FEMALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
(to partner)
What about her?

3




DEVIN (V.O.)
(coughing, sobbing… quietly)
It’s my boyfriend. I don’t think…

MALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
Calm down, ma’am. You’re going to be alright.

The RADIO sputters and on the other end a female dispatcher confirms that paramedic units are on their way.

FEMALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
(to partner)
The paramedics will be here soon. Can you try and stop that bleeding?

DEVIN (V.O.)
He won’t wake up…

The audio gradually begins to fade out here as the police officers continue their conversation with Devin.

MALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
Calm down. Relax. Can you tell me what happened to your boyfriend?

DEVIN (V.O.)
I think... (she trails off)

FEMALE POLICE OFFICER (V.O.)
You need to tell us what happened.

FADE IN:

INT. APARTMENT- EARLY MORNING, THREE YEARS LATER

DEVIN lies awake in her bed, staring straight up at the ceiling. You can still hear the audio from the previous scene. She mouths the words as it fades out completely and is replaced by the sounds of the morning commute taking place in the city outside her window.

DEVIN
I think my boyfriend’s dead.

There is a long pause as the audio picks up. Devin lies there, motionless and expressionless. Soon, the alarm clock goes off, signaling 5:45 AM. She listens to it for several seconds before finally rolling over to turn it off.

The Plan:

I have recently become quite passionnate about the lack of current events education in public schools. It bothers me that global emergencies like HIV/AIDS, the war in Northern Uganda, hospital conditions in Moldova, orphanages in Romania can go completely undetected by the younger generation because there is no education system in place for that information. If it is up to the children to tackle the problems of our future they need to know what those problems are. They need to be concerned about life on a global scale. That needs to start at an early age.
Ask me more about this. I will gladly tell you how I feel.
In the meantime, this is the plan I have developed to conquer this issue (because I can't take care of it myself):

kagemusha911 (1:09:25 AM): theres been a lot of news converage on the conflict in darfur
kagemusha911 (1:09:28 AM): on the genocide there
kagemusha911 (1:09:36 AM): a little late though
audioangel2 (1:10:04 AM): well,
audioangel2 (1:10:09 AM): that's how the media works
audioangel2 (1:10:29 AM): it doesn't cover problems for which there are no solution or end in sight
audioangel2 (1:11:08 AM): if you decide to become a teacher instead,
audioangel2 (1:11:19 AM): please campaign for a better current events curriculum
audioangel2 (1:11:23 AM): it's so important.
kagemusha911 (1:11:30 AM): thats why im gonna be a cop
audioangel2 (1:11:52 AM): yeah
audioangel2 (1:12:08 AM): i would like to follow through on all of my convictions but that would take more than one lifetime
kagemusha911 (1:12:27 AM): i believe it
audioangel2 (1:12:50 AM): i guess i will have to leave the current events curriculum to somebody else
audioangel2 (1:13:00 AM): i wrote a strongly worded letter to senator smith about it
kagemusha911 (1:13:12 AM): oh really?
kagemusha911 (1:13:22 AM): that would have been fun to read
kagemusha911 (1:13:28 AM): havbe you gotten a response?
audioangel2 (1:13:34 AM): no
audioangel2 (1:13:43 AM): i just mailed it
kagemusha911 (1:13:46 AM): whend you send it?
kagemusha911 (1:13:48 AM): i see
audioangel2 (1:14:01 AM): on sat.
audioangel2 (1:14:06 AM): i bet he doesn't read it
audioangel2 (1:14:15 AM): i'm going to keep writing until i get a response.
kagemusha911 (1:14:19 AM): good
audioangel2 (1:14:39 AM): a letter a week
kagemusha911 (1:14:54 AM): atta girl

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