real things i think, and why i sometimes kick myself for thinking them

[excerpt from a letter to rick]

"...it's stupid, really, but i can't move forward. i feel stuck, like i've got a set of weights tied to my ankles, dragging me down. It's more than just the loss of someone important, someone who i loved and cared about. To be honest, that happens to me every day. I have such a capacity for love that I can love anyone. I could fall in love right now, probably, and get married and settle down, and for my part be a loyal, faithful, loving spouse. for the rest of my life.
the problem is not that, i don't think. what i feel like i lost is someone who really LOVED ME. I feel like i lost the only person (besides my family, of course) who will ever really care enough to figure me out, to know how i tick. i loved that feeling that i didn't even have to say anything because he knew it already. i loved how we'd go to restaurants and he'd order for me because he knew what i wanted. i loved him finishing my sentences and anticipating my stupid quirks. i loved how he kept a blanket on the back of his couch even in the summer because he knew i'd always want it. i loved how he would hold my hand when we were with his friends, because he knew i felt shy and awkward. i miss feeling like i can just be myself, like i can fucking cry if i want to, like i can say anything and not be worried that people are getting bored or annoyed with me. or tired of my drama.
it's those stupid little things that i miss, the kind of things he would notice when no one else would. i can't explain how much it meant to me just to be understood by someone. and not effortlessly the way your family knows you from years of experience... but intentionally, from observation, from paying attention to all my ugliness and flaws and finding a way to turn it into something good and healthy.
honestly, rick, that is the answer to your question. that is what "haunts me". i am absolutely certain i will, at some point, fall in love again. in fact in the time since i lost mike there have already been people in my life who i've loved intensely. i've dated plenty of people. i am not worried about my heart moving on. i am ready.
what i have learned, though, is that loving someone, no matter how much or how deeply, does not make them love you in return. they may value you, want friendship, want a relationship, want all of these things. they may even say they love you or claim to understand you. but i know the difference in my heart.
so i guess all of that to say what i am really afraid of is that no one will ever love me. i don't blame them and i don't really expect them to, but it makes me wonder what is the point? what is the point of opening up to people if they really don't understand and really don't care to? if they don't have the capacity or put forth the effort this whole thing gets pointless so damn fast.
i really just want to feel that someone, anyone, has made an effort to figure me out. i mean REALLY understand me, and without my having to force it, or explain it, or whatever.
is that too high of an expectation?
it's an honest question... i really don't know. you started the conversation. and you're supposed to be the wise one. so YOU tell ME."